


Negotiating Her Life

by LittleMissNicap



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Declarations Of Love, F/F, Falling In Love, Femslash, Gay, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Torture, Lesbian, Lesbian Sex, Love, M/M, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Recovery, Romance, lady loving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-08
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-03-11 03:08:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 65
Words: 312,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3311684
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleMissNicap/pseuds/LittleMissNicap
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Negotiating has always been a part of Olivia Benson's life. Now with her life in the hands of 'The Beast', how will things play out? Can Alex Cabot help her? Initially takes part during season 14 finale "Her Negotiation". Alex/Olivia. Romance/Angst/Hurt/Comfort</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> **Archiving from FF. This story initially began back on May 29, 2013 and is now complete (65 chapters in total. Around 300,000 words). Before anyone says: "I thought his name was William Lewis?" seeing I call him Lewis Williams in the story... Double checking the allthingslawandorder blog, it was William Lewis at the beginning of the episode (Her Negotiation), but after re-running the info through ViCAP again with surrounding states he lived in, it was discovered that his name was actually Lewis Williams. Lewis Williams (born Kentucky; abducted/raped mother's girlfriend 15 years earlier), Louis Williams (2003 Alabama), William Lucas (2010 Maryland), William Lewis (2013 NYC). So I've stuck with his 'real' name of Lewis Willams for consistancy.**  
> 
> Thankyou to those that take the time to read. Feedback, kudos etc greatly appreciated :-)

DISCLAIMER: I only wish I owned them. Dick Wolf, NBC own them, as so Mariska Hargitay and Stephanie March. If I owned them, Cabenson would have happened!

* * *

**NEGOTIATING HER LIFE**

Olivia mentally berated herself. Of course Brian wouldn't want to see something as cultural as the Plein Air Painters. Why would he want to go see something like that? He wanted to go to the damn park. Something anyone could do anytime. And not even anything romantic, they'd go sit and watch the rollerbladers. What were they, young teenagers on a first date being chaperoned by Mommy or Daddy?

"We'll go next week" …

"Another time, maybe?" …

"Perhaps later" …

"You're seriously suggesting that?!"…

Eye rolls.

Shoulder shrugs.

Silence.

These brush offs of Liv's suggestions by Brian were coming more and more often these days after being demoted back to uniform, even more since the Ganzel trial where he was accused of rape. Even so, looking back over other the months they had been together, they always seemed to do everything Brian wanted to do. Christmas: Olivia suggested where she'd always dreamed of going one day Paris, so the Bahamas it was. Valentine's Day: no way in the world was Brian celebrating that. Go to that new Indian restaurant, nope. See the masterpieces at the Guggenheim, you're kidding right? Do something, anything remotely interesting, nuh-uh.

Alex Cabot had mentioned that Serena Southerlyn had seen the Plein Air Painters exhibition in passing during her and Olivia's regular dinner get-togethers. It started out as a dinner here and there after Alex came back from her tenure with the International Criminal Court, not wanting to lose contact again after all the years lost during and after Wit Sec. These became more regular after Elliott Stabler retired. Even more so, since Bureau Chief Mike Cutter's reshuffling of all ADA's under his authority after the Delia Wilson scandal and fallout, as Alex had been transferred to Homicide and Casey Novak back to White Collar. Casey would join Olivia and Alex on the dinners every so often to talk, laugh, bitch and moan about everything, anything and nothing at all.

As Brian wandered away in his towelling robe, Olivia grabbed her phone and sent a message to Alex.

_"Plein Air Painters then dinner on one of our nights in the future?"_

The message came back moments later

_"Absolutely! It's a date!"_

A small smile ghosted across Olivia's lips as she read the message. She knew over the years that she and Alex had a 'thing', tiptoeing around their feelings, the intense looks, fiery arguments and sometimes outright flirting with each other, but only ever acting on it once – the night in the motel during the Liam Connors trial. Both women hoped in their hearts that they would revisit that part of their 'thing' one day, but after all the time that had passed, both seemed content on staying with the flirting stage. She was shaken from her thoughts as the phone rang in her hand. She was disappointed that the screen read it was work related – it was her day off after all.

* * *

After dropping Brian off at a sports bar so she could continue on to the precinct, Olivia's thoughts wandered back to what she and Brian were… well she didn't even really know what she and Brian were now. To Olivia, it seemed like they weren't even going through the motions to even class it as a relationship. No real talking about hopes, dreams, ideas or wishes. Just catching up with each other when they could, and having sex. Their sex life, well it certainly wasn't earth shattering, but wasn't as bad as their first time all those years ago…

"So… ahh… I've kinda started seeing someone" Olivia said casually, as she uncorked the bottle of red wine for their dinner, this time at Olivia's apartment.

"Oh, anyone I know?" Alex raised her eyebrow as she placed the wine glasses on the bench.

Olivia thought a moment before answering, "I think I've mentioned him to you before, some years ago"

"I hope it's not Kurt Moss. Oh please, not him. He's just creepy looking, Liv" Alex admonished.

"Urgh, I don't know what I was thinking with him. I don't think I was actually. No, I've started seeing Brian Cassidy" replied Olivia, as she filled both wine glasses.

Alex pondered a moment, trying to remember who this Brian Cassidy was before Olivia continued, "He was with SVU before you were assigned our ADA, Alex… and I slept with him once,"

Alex cut her off before Olivia could continue, "Ah, you mean the co-worker you told me about who didn't know the word difference between fondling and soft cheese?!" Alex tried to stifle a giggle before adding "Liv, you said that he fell asleep on top of you during sex and that he woke up when the phone rang, not realising he fell asleep!"

Olivia tried not to laugh at the memory, and failing, before replying, "We were both a bit drunk! And he's improved since then"

"Well that wouldn't be too difficult, now would it? From memory, you also said you were 'frustrated' for the rest of the night because you couldn't even 'finish off yourself' due to the phone call being call out" said Alex, using air quotes.

"Don't remind me, Alex" laughed Olivia, before pinching the bridge of her nose and shaking her head slightly. "That was some very bad sex."

"Not to worry, you're not the only one here to have had bad sex. On a desk with Jim Steele… don't try it if you haven't already. It's nothing like the fantasy of desk sex. And Robert Shelton… we won't even go there," Alex shuddered. Robert Shelton, Alex's ex-fiancé had been a very low point in Alex's life and rarely spoke of him. "Now see, that's why I think I prefer sex with women. I've never been left dissatisfied… ever!" Alex sipped her wine.

A look passed between them, both women knowing exactly what Alex was referring to. The motel. That night.

"Yeah, me too" whispered Olivia, breaking eye contact. Both women considered themselves, and knew each other were equal opportunity lovers. To be honest, both preferred the company of the female form.

Alex put down her wine glass and wrapped Olivia in a warm embrace. "As long as you're happy, Liv. If Brian makes you happy, then I'm happy for you." Pressing a kiss to her cheek that may have lasted a little longer than necessary, Alex added "You  _are_  happy, aren't you?"

"It's early days, but I think I might be" Olivia said, nodding her head ever so slightly.

Pulling back from the embrace to look at Olivia, Alex winked "If he doesn't, you know where to find me."

* * *

Such a flirt, thought Olivia. Recalling that conversation with Alex, Liv wasn't so sure she was happy now. She was more happy being hugged by her former ADA. The kiss on the cheek from Alex was a lot nicer than the kiss on the forehead she got from Brian when she was on the couch. That felt like a parent kissing a child well done, good job. Not a kiss from someone who was supposed to be in love. It was that moment Olivia realised that she and Brian were really just being fuck buddies. Friends with benefits.

Olivia gently fingered her newer Fearlessness tag necklace as she exited the car. She loved it and wanted to wear it with her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants, but Brian insisted she only wear the new one now. Everything wasn't even a negotiation with Brian now, and Olivia was realising that wasn't what she wanted anymore. She needed to talk to Alex, the sooner the better, but that would have to wait.

For now Amanda Rollins had called the entire squad in for a seemingly open and shut case, but the detectives knew it was very rare their cases were anything like that.


	2. Chapter 2

Olivia walked back to desk, rubbing her eyes, desperately fighting but slowly losing the battle of the migraine headache that was building behind her right eye. One of those migraines that you just want to rip your own eyeball out to stop the pain. This case with Lewis William - if that  _was_  his name - was going to hell in a handbasket very quickly. She and Nick Amaro had spent the best part of an hour interrogating Lewis William for the torture and rape of Alice Parker before his lawyer arrived. They got everything but nowhere, as all of the answers Lewis provided were stated as hypotheticals. It made her skin crawl as he described in detail the ' _alleged'_ torture he subjected Alice to, over those 18 hours in her  _own_  apartment. A place that most people would describe as a sanctuary, or a safe haven from the world.

Amanda and Olivia had just finished discussing the possibilities of alternate spellings of the name Lewis William, in the neighbouring states from where he said he'd lived previously. As she sat down to rummage through her desk drawer for some ibuprofen, her iPhone rang. Seeing the caller ID on her screen, her headache seemed to lessen significantly.

"Benson" Olivia answered the phone, professional as always.

"Olivia, I know you know it's me," laughed Alex.

"Hey Alex. I've been meaning to call you about the exhibition at the Whitney, and I really need to talk to you."

"That's what I'm ringing you about. We'll have to make it Friday becau-"

Olivia cut her off mid-sentence, "FRIDAY?! Why Friday?! That's days away!" Her heart sank. She glanced at the desk calendar, it was only Tuesday afternoon. "And what I need to talk to you can't be discussed over the phone."

"I'm sorry Liv, but Friday is the earliest I can manage after what the Homicide detectives just got. Unless you can use that Benson charm of yours to finagle a couple of days off, somehow get assigned to help extradite our suspect Thomas Scanlan linked to a number of murders, and get all this done before the next available flight to Canada that leaves in just under 3 hours. If you can do that, then I'm all yours!"

Olivia heard the playful tone in Alex's voice. "Well, I'll see what I can do. That Benson charm you mentioned only works on certain people, though." Liv played along, knowing there was no way in the world it was possible, even without everything currently happening in the Lewis William case. "So, where in Canada are we going?"

"Long haul. Specifically, Vancouver. So that's all Wednesday written off. Thursday will be arraignments and prep work because Friday will finally start proceedings of the Janson trial. So, seeing the Whitney stays open late on Fridays and there is a restaurant there, we can see the Plein Air Painters and have dinner. And we can talk until our hearts are content, because I might have some news to share with you by then" said Alex, as she packed her attaché bag.

That last comment piqued Olivia's interest. "Good news or bad news?"

"Rumour news that I'm still waiting to have confirmed" Alex replied vaguely. "Anyway, I better get going. I still have to go home, pack a bag and get over to LaGuardia".

"I'll let you go then. Stay safe Alex"

"Well sadly, I won't have New York's Finest detective with me, but I will some of New York's finest with me. You stay safe too, Liv. Bye" Alex smirked.

Smiling, Olivia noticed a text message on her iPhone as she ended the call. It must have arrived during the interrogation.

_"Catch up soon? Brian"_

Before Olivia could even speak a word after Brain answered the call, he said "Can't talk Liv. Working. Catch up later, yeah" then ended the call instantly. What the hell? She tried calling again, but it went straight to voice mail.

Olivia felt her migraine headache come back with a vengeance. The current headache that was playing out in her life was just as bad.

* * *

With the two consecutive Motions Court hearings regarding the Lewis Williams case on Wednesday and Thursday, Friday seemed to arrive sooner than expected for Olivia Benson. Alex and Olivia had mutually agreed that Alex would pick up Olivia from the precinct after court and then go to the Whitney.

The sudden death of Alice Parker made this case go from a headache to a down right nightmare.

As the body of Alice Parker was loaded onto the guerney, Captain Don Cragen turned to study Olivia for a moment. He could tell something was weighing heavily on the Detective's thoughts.

"This case is really getting to you, Liv." It wasn't a question.

"It's not just the case, Cap. I have some personal things I need to sort out, and I haven't been able to with everything happening with this case" she sighed. Olivia didn't want to elaborate any further than necessary.

"There's nothing more we can really do until Melinda does the autopsy later, so why don't you take the rest of the afternoon off once we get back to the precinct?" Don suggested.

"Thanks Captain. Really appreciate it."

The thought of sneaking into the gallery to watch Alex command the court room was strong. It was a guilty pleasure for Olivia and was something she hadn't been able to do since Alex's transfer. Casey Novak was very good, as was Rafael Barba. But watching Alex Cabot in the court room was just mesmerising.

* * *

Olivia sat down, making sure she had an unobstructed view of the court room proceedings. Both Alex and the Defence Attorney were at the Judges Bench, whispering animatedly to Judge Barry Moredock.

Turning around to return to the lawyer table, Alex's eyes widened briefly as she was surprised to see Olivia in the gallery. The professional mask had slipped, but was back in place a moment later. But Olivia had definitely noticed. She never took her eyes off Alex while the ADA resumed gently guiding the young Homicide Detective through his testimony over the next hour or so. Proceedings finished for the day after the detective stepped down from the witness stand.

"This is a nice surprise. I wasn't expecting you" Alex said, slinging the attaché bag over her shoulder.

"You can thank Dad. Released early on good behaviour," grinned Olivia. Alex just rolled her eyes at the bad joke.

They took Alex's car, making idle chit chat along the way for the drive to the Upper East Side. Alex could tell Olivia wasn't ready to talk about what was on her mind just yet, so broached the subject of her own news.

"Rumour news has been confirmed. There is there's a new job opening about to come up very soon. I'm going to put my name in to transfer –"

"You're leaving again?! You… you promised Alex. You promised  _me_  you wouldn't leave again. And now you're going to up and leave for the Congo again –" Olivia's heart dropped to the pit of her stomach.

"No! I'm not leaving, Liv! Barba's –"

"Barba's leaving?!"

"Olivia Benson! Stop jumping to conclusions and focus like you were focused on me back in the court room earlier!"

Busted.

Alex paused a moment before continuing, "Rafael Barba is putting in a request for an  _additional_  ADA for SVU. I'm putting my name in to transfer back. The fallout from the Delia Wilson scandal is all but forgotten now from the DA's point of view."

A wave of relief washed over Olivia. "That's fantastic news Alex! Wait, what about Casey? Is she going to apply?"

"No, Casey said she is going to apply for my position in Homicide. She felt being moved back to White Collar was a demotion, and quite frankly, I agree with her" Alex explained, pulling into an empty car space.

"But don't you see moving from Homicide back to SVU as a demotion?"

"No. Some co-workers might see it like that, but not me. To be honest, I see it as coming home to where I belong, with my SVU detectives" Alex snuck a glance at Olivia. 'To a certain detective in particular' she added mentally.

Olivia smiled. Maybe things were starting to look up for her.

* * *

Wandering around the nearly empty gallery room, both women were admiring a seascape when Alex commented "I really like art like this. It's a moment in time of the artist's life captured for all to see."

"Sadly, my current moment in time wouldn't look anything as nice like that," Olivia sighed. Alex gave her a quizzical look before Liv continued, "With this current case we're working on, and Brian… I'd pick a pot of black paint, go all Jackson Pollock and just throw the paint pot at the canvas."

Alex guided Olivia over to some seating at the back wall of the gallery and sat down. "Come on, Liv. What's wrong? You said you needed to talk to me."

The SVU detective brought the ADA up to speed with the Lewis William case, and the frustration is was causing the squad, but stopped short of mentioning anything about demoted male police officer currently in her life.

"And Brian?" Alex prompted.

Olivia gathered her thoughts. "You remember when I first told you I was seeing him, and you asked if I was happy. I'm not happy, and I'm not sure I ever really was to begin with. When I slept with him that one time all those years ago, he wanted everything. Dating, a relationship, the works. But I wanted none of that and shut it down very fast. This time I was willing to try and give him what I could, but he gives nothing in return emotionally. It's very draining, and I can't do it anymore."

Alex gently took Olivia's hand in hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. "You have to be happy in a relationship, Olivia. Mentally and emotionally happy. You know that's one of the main reasons I ended it with Robert. I'm in a much better place now then I was back then. And you know how bad things were for me at that point in time. Robert gave me nothing either. And Jim just gave me a release to forget Robert for a short while."

"Don't get me wrong, Brian is a nice guy. A bit of a high school guy that's never grown up really, but a genuinely nice guy. And the sex is… well it's… sex. But I understand what you're saying, Alex."

They sat there for a few minutes in silence in the now empty gallery, lost in their own thoughts. Olivia glanced down at her hand, still being held by Alex. Was now the time? Or would it ever be the right time? Maybe saying what she wanted to say would make her that kind of happy they had just been talking about. After everything both women had been though over the years, she had a feeling that Alex could possibly provide that happiness. Olivia was nervous, but took a chance.

"You… ah… you said something else to me that night when I told you about Brain."

Alex stayed silent, letting Olivia continue when she was ready. "You said… you said that if he didn't make me happy to –"

"To come see me. I remember," murmured Alex as she looked at Olivia.

"I know you were flirting like we always do. Like we always have. I want… I want to see you. I want a… a relationship with you."

Alex continued to look at Olivia, not saying a word.

"I'm sorry Alex. I knew I shouldn't have said any-" Olivia was silenced by Alex gently kissing her.

Ending the kiss, Alex smiled. "I would like that very much."

She leant in to kiss Olivia again, but Olivia pulled back slightly. "Don't get me wrong Alex. I want to kiss you again. Really,  _really_  want to kiss you again, but I also want to do this right. Let me end things with Brian, and we take things slowly."

"I think that's a very good idea. And right now, I know what my moment in time canvas would look like. I'd paint the entire canvas grey, except for a small circle in the middle. Like a light at the end of a tunnel" Alex replied, and softly kissed Olivia again.

Yes things were definitely starting to look up for Olivia Benson.

* * *

END NOTE: And before anyone thinks it, NO Olivia doesn't have a brain tumour/cancer/stroke/cerebral hemorrhage. The headache is just a symbolic metaphor/allegory/hyperbole. As is the mention of nightmares.


	3. Chapter 3

Cause of death Alice Parker: Heart attack. Contributing factors of stress due to rape and torture: Undetermined; Medical Examiner Melinda Warner concluded. It was the best she could give the detectives given the medical evidence before her.

Olivia was starting to wonder what deity the SVU team had pissed off? In all the years, there had never been a case like this one. They just couldn't catch a break with a baseball mitt. Frustrations started seeping out with every possible counter argument, Rafael Barba surmised the defence could use for every point of evidence the two female detectives made.

Even more frustrating for Olivia, Brian couldn't talk until tomorrow night - Sunday.

* * *

Lewis William was playing them all. He had an answer for everything, as did his defence attorney Vanessa Meyer. He loved the control he had in the situation. The power he possessed. And he was getting off more and more on Olivia's frustration. Vanessa Meyer, was she in on it too? Did she know more than she was letting on? Was she sleeping with Lewis? Was he more than just a client for her? Olivia tested a theory and made the comment about Meyers sleeping with her new lover... or was that her client?

Leaving the prison conference room with Rafael Barba, Olivia needed to take her mind away from the current case to happier thoughts.

"So ... I hear you're asking for an additional ADA" Olivia fished.

"How did you hear about that?" Rafael Barba whipped his head around to look at Olivia.

"A little bird told me," she smirked, while thinking 'A drop dead gorgeous bird with legs all the way up to her-'

"No one's supposed to know about it at this point in time," his brows furrowed.

"This will go no further than us, I promise you. Are you having difficulties, Rafael? Are the cases becoming too much for you? There is no shame if it is. SVU is not for everyone."

"It's not that I cannot do the work, don't get me wrong Detective Benson. I just think having two ADA's at SVU would be advantageous. In particular, both a male and female ADA. You yourself would know that sometimes some victims respond better to that of a male or female detective. I think the same can go for prosecuting cases as well, should the need arise."

Olivia's mind worked quickly. If Alex was indeed assigned back to SVU, that would mean that they could work together and eventually be together with a smaller chance of someone arguing 'conflict of interest'. Any problems, Barba could step in. Yes, two ADA's if Alex was the one assigned certainly were better than one come to think of it now.

"I whole heartedly agree. It's a very good idea and I think the rest of the team will too," she beamed.

"Glad to hear it. Although if you don't mind me saying, sometimes I feel as though I'm not an accepted member of the team, even after all this time."

"I apologise on behalf of the other detectives if you've ever felt unwelcome in any way, Rafael. It's certainly no reflection on you or your work. You have to understand how we work. When I first joined SVU, we had no stability. It was whatever ADA could be spared by the DA's office. We finally got stability when Alex was assigned our permanent ADA."

"Alexandra Cabot," Barba seeked clarification. Mike Cutter had mentioned her interest in returning, and of course Barba knew of the 'back from the dead' story. Everyone in the DA's office knew _that_  story.

"Yes. Then we had to start from square one again when we were assigned Casey Novak. After her censure –"

"Wasn't she the ADA famously disbarred?" Everyone knew that 'story' too.

Damn Kim Greylek. "She was censured. After that, it was basically back to the old days of any ADA available. No chance to establish rapport or familiarity. We thought we had the stability SVU needs when it was both Alex and Casey assigned. No need to learn how the person operates, the familiarity was already established. We need that constant here. I know we are still learning you, and you're learning us, but I know we're getting there."

Rafael Barba appreciated Olivia's honesty. "I will take those points you have made into consideration, if l am asked for any input. But Mike Cutter will have the final say in the decision," he explained. Before getting into his car, Barba added "Supreme Court on Monday, Detective Benson. I will let you know what time I will need to call you for your testimony."

As Olivia got into the squad car a short text message arrived.

 _"I hope you enjoyed Friday as much as I did."_ Olivia smiled as she read the message. 'Yes Alex, I certainly did,' she thought.

* * *

"Hey Liv!" Brian kissed Olivia on her cheek as she opened her apartment door. He was already two hours later than he said he would be.

"Hey Brian. Come in."

Liv turned her cell phone off so there wound be no disruptions during the conversation she was about to have. As Brian took his coat off and tossed it over the lounge chair, he was excitedly relaying to Olivia in detail about some two-on-two basketball game he had been watching all afternoon in the park making him lose track of time. She wasn't really paying attention, she just nodded her head each time he stopped talking or adding a small comment every once in a while. Yes he really was a man still living like a high school teen. Olivia was quite startled when she felt arms wrap around her waist from behind and lips nibbling the column of her neck.

"Thought that would bring you back to reality," Brian murmured against her neck, nearing the particularly sensitive spot that would make Olivia melt.

"Oh hey _Bri_ , can we talk?" Liv disentangling herself from the embrace before he could get there, turning around to face him.

"I'd rather we go to the bedroom and catch up" he winked.

"Yeah," she started unenthusiastically before adding "that what I want to talk to you about."

"What do you mean? Are you bored? We can try different things - "

"Bri."

"- or be a bit more adventurous -"

"Brian."

"- if that's what you -"

"BRIAN!"

"-want. WHAT?!"

Olivia sighed heavily and took a moment to gather her thoughts. "What are we doing Brian? What do you see our relationship as?"

He narrowed his eyes."Huh? I'm not sure I understand what you're asking Liv"

"Define our relationship. Look back over these last few months in particular and honestly tell me what this relationship has become, Brian."

"You're my girlfriend, Liv. We do heaps together and we have great sex. Why? What do you see?"

"We do everything  _you_  want to do. And we have sex. Honestly, Brian we're fuck buddies and I that's not what I want. That's never what I wanted." Brian's eyes widened as Olivia continued "Don't look surprised, Cassidy. You know it's true. Everything l suggest we do together, you shoot it down -."

"Well it's not as if your suggestions are exactly what l'm in to Liv,"

"Neither are your suggestions, but at least I've tried. That's what people do in a relationship, compromise. Be equals. You remember you wanted us to be together all those years ago and I couldn't give you that. You pined and moped after me for over six months after I ended it Brian. And now since we've been together, it's like you're not really serious about us at all."

Brian closed his eyes and let a slow breathe out. He knew deep down what Olivia was saying was true. What their relationship had become, but hoped the conversation wasn't going in the direction it looked like it was heading to.

"You are a _great guy_ , Brian don't get me wrong. But we can't keep going on the way we have. It's not fair on either of us. And I don't want to hurt you."

"I  _do_   _love_  you, Olivia. You know that, right?"

Olivia nodded her understanding, "I _care_  a lot for you."

Brian noted the lack of the word love in Olivia's reply "But you don't love me." He swiped away a tear threatening to fall.

She shook her head sadly, "Not the way you hope I would, or should do. Not the way you told me Clarissa loved you, Brian."

Examining their relationship, Cassidy knew deep down this to be the case. Both he and Clarissa had spoken of marriage long before her murder. "Is it another guy? Is there someone else?"

Tears started to prick at Olivia's eyes, "No."

It certainly wasn't another guy, and Alex Cabot certainly wasn't a 'someone else'. Olivia didn't want the think she was lying, but in a way she justified her answer to herself as she was telling the truth too. She just wanted this break up to be less painful for both of them. "I'm sorry, Brian." Tears gently slid down her cheek.

Not wiping away his own tears, he gently pressed his lips to Olivia's, "I'm sorry too, Liv."

* * *

Slowly cracking an eye open, the sun was already streaming into Olivia's bedroom as she awoke from her slumber. She looked at the clock out of habit, but the time illuminating the screen didn't register with her. Half past eight. As Olivia looked over at the side of the bed that Brian had occupied on and off over the last several months, a wave of guilt and relief washed over the brunette. He had left without saying another word. No goodbye, see you later, all the best. Then again, maybe it was all for the best? Crawling out of bed, she stripped the bed linen into the washing machine, started the machine, then put on new bed sheets. One of those break up rituals that people do. A fresh start, so to speak. A fresh start with a certain blonde. But that would come later. 'Take things slow, remember' she thought to herself.

Stripping out of her night attire, she was just about to hop into the shower when her apartment phone rang. She raced to the phone before the answering machine would kick in. "Benson."

"GLAD YOU COULD ANSWER YOUR PHONE, DETECTIVE! -"

Shit! Barba.

"- I HAVE LEFT SEVERAL MESSAGES ON YOUR CELL PHONE -"

Shit! Cell phone.

"- FOR YOU TO BE AT THE SUPREME COURT -"

Shit! Court.

"IN HALF AN HOUR TO BEGIN PROCEEDINGS!"

Shit! Late.

"AT WHAT TIME DO YOU THINK YOU WILL GRACE THE COURT ROOM WITH YOUR PRESENCE?"

Shit! Very late. "As soon as possible, ADA Barba. I'm on my way out the door right now"

"RIGHT ANSWER DETECTIVE! AND DETECTIVE BENSON, TRAFFIC IS A BITCH TODAY."

With no time for breakfast, coffee, washing of hair or other daily morning routines, Olivia jumped in for an all too brief shower and got ready for court. It was times like this she wished she had shorter hair again. Her hair was long when she was with David Hayden and Brian had liked it even longer, but both were out of the picture now. Alex had mentioned that she liked Olivia's hair shorter, defining her strong jawline and cheek bones. Maybe start off a bit shorter like when Alex returned after Kim Greylek suddenly departed, then see what Alex thought. Yes, it was time - a fresh start after all. As she gathered her cell phone, gun and holster and headed for the door, she saw Brian had left his coat on the lounge chair.

Shit.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies if l have the subway info wrong. I'm working from Google maps.

This case would be difficult enough to win as it was, disregarding the current absence of a senior detective. With opening statements beginning, Rafael Barba was having to rearrange the order in which the SVU detectives would give their testmony to cover for the missing Olivia Benson. It was really the first time that Barba had let rip, and even he was surprised Olivia was on the receiving end. He was sure Nick or Amanda would have been the first.

Opting for the subway, Olivia made her way as quickly as she could to the 86th St Station on Broadway. She was glad there was a subway station only a couple of blocks from her apartment building. Catching the next available train on the Number 2 line, Olivia knew it would be over half an hour before she would reach Franklin Station, especially on a Monday morning. Even then, it was still several blocks walking before she would reach the New York City Supreme Court. But it was the easiest way to Lower Manhattan without having to change trains.

"Next stop, 79th St Station," a voice announced over the speaker.

Olivia smiled to herself. Alex's stop.

Even after Alex 'died', Mrs Cabot kept the 78th Street apartment her only child had purchased after moving to New York following her graduation from Harvard. A place where she could feel closer to her daughter when the overwhelming sadness of her 'death' got too much for the elder Cabot female. Alex found out all of this after her brief return for the Liam Connors trial from Jack Hammond, the night after THAT night with Olivia. Her Uncle Bill Harriman promised to keep it until she returned permanently after her mother passed away.

When Alex finally returned from WPP, it took her a long time to return to that apartment. It took Liv even longer to find out  _why_  Alex didn't return to the apartment or get in contact with her, and it wasn't only to do with her short lived engagement to Robert Shelton. Olivia remembered Alex telling her all of this at a dinner at the blonde's apartment not long after Alex replaced Sonya Paxton. It saddened Olivia when she found out why it took Alex so long.

Liv wanted to let Alex know she had broken up with Brain sometime today. They hadn't spoken since Friday night with Alex having to leave a short time after their kiss to help the Homicide detectives. Looking down at her cell phone, Olivia considered telling Brian about his coat, but decided against it. If he wanted it back he would let her know.

* * *

Sprinting up the Supreme Court steps, the detective went to veer around one of the granite columns but collided heavily with another person.

'Wonderful. Just wait for the lawsuit,' Liv thought to herself. Looking down at the person beneath her, it took a moment for her to realize she was lying on top of Alex Cabot.

"This isn't quite the way I imagined you being on top of me Detective Benson, and I thought you wanted to take things slow," the ADA whispered before grinning.

"I'm  _so_  sorry, Alex. Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" Olivia got up, then helped Alex to her feet.

"I'm fine, Olivia. If it'd been anyone else, I would have them arrested. But because it's you, I'll make an exception. Are _you_  ok?" Alex asked.

"Apart from bruising my ego? I'm fine, but running late."

"Go then." Alex waved her away.

"Let me make it up to you. Buy you lunch?" Olivia started walking backwards, while still keeping eye contact with Alex.

"Done. l'll be over at One Hogan. Now go!"

"And I have news to tell you!"

"Tell me at lunch. GO!" Alex pointed towards the main doors.

With a final lop sided smile, Olivia turned and made her way to the assigned court room. She was surprised to see Barba and the other SVU detectives waiting outside.

"You're lucky, Detective Benson. Vanessa Meyer asked for a brief recess after opening statements. Surprisingly, Judge Blake granted it. Meyer's playing at something and I don't like it," Rafael Barba explained before continuing "So the testimony line up now is Detective Rollins, Tutuola, Amaro, Benson, then ME Warner."

* * *

Disgust and fury. These were the two emotions coursing through Olivia as she stepped down from the witness stand, having been accused by Vanessa Meyer of being obsessed with Lewis Williams. She was thankful that Judge Blake had just called for a lunch recess.

Grabbing lunch for Alex and herself, Olivia made the short walk over to the District Attorney's office.

The door to Alex's office was open as Olivia approached. She watched Alex quietly talking to herself as she paced in front of her desk. The detective had seen this numerous times before, and knew the ADA was preparing a closing argument. The two emotions that had appeared after her testimony were replaced by others: adoration and lust, even love. Alex was completely oblivious to her single audience member as Olivia stood watching, zeroing in on her mouth. Alex's tongue quickly darted out to lick her lips, before resuming her murmuring. It was at that moment Olivia knew she wanted to kiss those lips again and very soon.

Olivia gently knocked on the door hoping not to startle the blonde, "Hey."

A large smile appeared on Alex's face as she looked up at the brunette, "Hey yourself." She took the lunch bags of Olivia's grasp before adding "Close the door."

Alex was standing in front of Olivia when she turned back around, "So, what's the news you wanted to tell me the this morning?"

"I ended it with Brian last night." A small wave of guilt washed over Olivia as her eyes scanned the room, but it was gone when her eyes settled on the woman before her.

Pulling Olivia in to a warm embrace, both women knew it wasn't a 'l'm sorry you broke up with your boyfriend' hug. A short while later, Alex turned her head to kiss Olivia, but Liv pulled back. Seeing the confused look on Alex's face, Olivia smirked.

"What?" asked Alex.

"Did l hurt you this morning when I knocked you over?"

"No. l told you already I'm fine"

"Oh, that's a shame. I would've kissed any injuries better," Olivia shrugged and walked towards the lunch bags.

"Come to think of it, you did injure me," Alex grabbed Olivia's hand, and spinning her back around, reversing their positions. "I think you hurt my lips. Oh and maybe my neck?"

Slowly backing Alex up against the door, the detective stared hungrily at the now pouting ADA lips, then into blue eyes. Holding Alex's gaze, she replied "l think your right. Maybe l should kiss it better then," before leaning in to claim the lips of the woman pinned to the door.

Long moments passed. Hesitantly moving her hand to the front of Alex's waist, Olivia slipped her thumb between the gap of two buttons of Alex's blouse and gently stroked her abdomen, the other hand cupping Alex's cheek. Both of Alex's hands slowly inched down Olivia's waist to her cup her ass, drawing her closer.

A knock to the door halted any further progress. Breaking apart, both women rested their foreheads together, taking a few calming breaths before quickly untangling themselves to move away from the door, not wanting the person on the other side to know they were nearby.

"Just a minute," Alex called out to the unwanted intruder.

Taking a few moments to make sure it looked as though nothing was out of the ordinary by Olivia sitting down on the visitors chair, Alex opened the door.

"Mike, hello. Come in."

Mike Cutter walked into the office. Seeing Olivia in the room, he chose his next words carefully, "Good afternoon Alexandra. I wanted to talk to you about your... request. But I can come back later."

Olivia stood up, and grabbed her lunch bag. "No need. I have to be back at court soon anyway for Melinda's testimony. Good to see you again, Bureau Chief. I'll catch up with you later, Alex."

* * *

Sitting on a bench near the court room as she ate her lunch, she kept replaying the kiss with Alex in her mind. Soft breath, lips, skin, tongue.

Shaken from her reverie by her cell phone, a frown appeared when she read the name on the screen.

Brian.

Olivia sighed, "Benson."

"Hey Liv, it's me. I ahh... I left my coat at your place. And... I also have your spare key. Maybe I could come see you later?" Brain asked hopefully.

"I don't think that's good idea, Brian. How about you go get your coat when you can, then leave the key with the super?"

"Oh. Ok." Disappointment clearly heard by Olivia in Brian's voice.

"I have to go. Afternoon court session." It wasn't a complete lie, court wasn't due back for another half an hour. She just didn't want to deal with Brian anymore.

"Ok. Bye Liv."

Olivia ended the call without saying goodbye. She had done that last night.

Her thoughts immediately returned to Alex while she finished her lunch. Olivia knew it was back to work when she saw Rafael Barba and Melinda Warner appear from around the corner.

* * *

After Judge Blake declared a mistrial due to possible cross contaminated DNA evidence, Lewis William was released on bail with his lawyer Vanessa Meyer paying the money. Taking her frustrations out on the telephone handset, Olivia had the unpleasant task of telling the rest of the squad. None of the SVU detectives were happy with the outcome, even Amanda Rollins suggested shooting Williams themselves.

"Go home. Stay there two days. If you show up to work, I'll have you arrested." Don Cragen told Olivia. He could see this case, and possibly even what had been happening in personal life, was taking its toll on the woman he considered his unofficial daughter.

Liv appreciated Nick's concern when he asked about her wellbeing, and if she wanted to talk about it. He reminded her of Elliot in that respect. The partner friendship and brotherly protectiveness. But all she wanted was to be in the same room as a certain blonde. She gathered up her usual items, holstered her service weapon and headed for the elevators.

Exiting the precinct, Olivia's cell phone rang. She didn't even bother to look at the screen, as she answered with a sigh, "Benson."

"Are you ok, Liv?" Alex could hear the defeat in the detective's voice.

"I  _am_  now," Olivia smiled.

"Why? What's happened?"

She relaying to Alex what had happened with the Lewis Williams case and the frustration it was having on the entire team.

"Well, I might have some news to cheer you up."

"Cutter said yes?"

"As of July 1 I'm back with SVU!" Alex said excitedly.

"That's fantastic Alex! I'm really happy for you." Olivia waited a moment to have a little fun with Alex. "Oh, by the way I got suspended!"

"WHAT?!" Alex almost dropped her phone.

"For 2 days."

"WHY?!"

Olivia laughed, "Well... maybe not suspended. I've been sent home for two days, effective immediately. So maybe you could come over for dinner and I can cook you a little celebration meal?"

"I like the sound of that. I've still got a bit to do here, but I'll let you know when I'm on my way, ok?"

"No problem. See you later, Alex."

"Detective, will I get a celebratory kiss like I did at lunch time?" Alex interrupted before she ended the call.

"You'll just have to wait and see, Counselor."

* * *

"FOUR tomatoes?!" the bodega owner stared as Olivia emptied her basket onto the counter.

Rolling her eyes, Olivia responded, "You'll never let me live that down, will you? Buying one tomato?"

He shook his head and laughed heartily. "Never. Even after all these years. Honestly, who buys a single tomato?"

Paying for the groceries, Olivia then made the short journey to her apartment building. Entering the elevator and pressing the button for the forth floor, Olivia surreptitiously glanced up to the newly upgraded security camera. It made her feel safer, especially knowing Lewis Williams was out on bail. How could everything in that case have gone so wrong?

Closing the door to her apartment, Liv placed the bag of groceries on the counter. She heard a small noise further in the apartment.

Weird.

Another noise. Was Brian in the apartment? He only had to get his coat.

"Hello?" Olivia walked further into the apartment. Her safe haven. 'I swear if that's you Brian, I won't be pleasant,' she thought.

She called out again, "Hello?"

Lewis Williams levelled a gun to Olivia's head, "Welcome home, Detective Benson."

'How in the world did he get in here?! Oh god, is Brian helping him?! Is Brian working with Lewis Williams because I broke up with him?!' Olivia's mind worked overtime.

Panic and fear coursed through the brunette's veins, as Lewis stepped forward and gently stroked the barrel of the gun down her cheek. Suddenly he grabbed Olivia, starting to pull her towards the bedroom. With the gun still pointed at her head, there was no opportunity to get her own service weapon.

A knock at the door stopped Lewis in his tracks. "Expecting someone?"

Lewis frog marched Liv to the door, gun pressed against the back of her head. "Check the peep hole," As Olivia went to look, she slowly reached for the gun on her hip but Lewis grabbed it before she could. "Nice try, Detective." Williams pressed Liv's own service weapon to her head as he tucked the first one into the back of his trousers.

"Olivia?" the voice on the other side of the door called out.

It was Alex. She arrived earlier than expected, wanting to surprise Olivia.

Olivia's fear for her own life disappeared. She had to protect Alex at all costs.

"You're in charge, Lewis. But she has a key. l'll get rid of her, otherwise she could ruin your plans like Captain Cragen almost did with Alice Parker." Olivia negotiated.

"Seems you give out keys to your apartment to anyone, Detective." Olivia thought that was an odd comment to make. Was he referring to Brian? "Put the chain on the door, then GET. RID. OF. HER." he hissed.

Sliding the chain into place, Olivia slowly opened the door as far as it would go.

"Are you ok, Olivia?"

"Sorry but I'm not good company tonight. With everything at  _work_  and all. How about we catch up in a few days,  _Lexi_?"

Alex glared at Olivia when the older woman called her by the shorter version of her name. Alex despised being called that, and Olivia knew it. It was then that the ADA saw Olivia's eyes. Something wasn't right.

"Oh, ok then." Alex said, still not sure what was going on.

Olivia felt the gun being pressed a little harder, but took a chance. "Lexi, before you go, my Mom rang last night. She's got tickets to the ballet. She wants to know if you and your Mom want to go?"

Now Alex knew something was definitely wrong, with both their mothers deceased, and neither women liking the ballet that much.

"I'll ahh... I'll ring her tonight and ask her, ok." Alex replied, before mouthing a one word question, 'Help?'.

Olivia nodded, adding "Say hi to  _Dad_  for me, won't you?"

"I will," she knew exactly who Olivia was referring to. Donald Cragen. "Bye, Olivia."

As Olivia shut the door, she whispered "Bye Lex."

Her life was now in the hands of Lewis Williams, 'the Beast'.

And also in the hands of Alex Cabot.

Another noise broke the silence. The sound of someone else in the apartment.

* * *

DUN DUN!


	5. Chapter 5

The shock of the noise from another person in the apartment to Olivia was suddenly overridden by the shock of ratcheting metal clamping around a wrist.

"Other arm, Detective" Lewis growled as he pressed her service weapon a little more forcefully behind her ear. The tiny click of the safety told Olivia he was deadly serious. He could pull the trigger at any moment, ending her life in an instant. Never seeing friends and co-workers again. Never seeing Alex again.

Going against all her police training and instinct, Olivia reluctantly moved her other arm, the cold metal hand cuffs cinched tightly behind her back. Lewis then removed her own hand cuffs from the back of Olivia's police belt. He clicked the safety back on the gun, then pocketed both the detectives own handcuffs and gun in each of his front trouser pockets.

"Where did you get the other hand cuffs?" asked Olivia, trying to keep her voice steady as Lewis took a quick glance out the peephole.

"Same person who let me in...'' Lewis spun her around to face him, "... the same person who gave me the other gun..." an evil grin plastered to his face.

"Liv?" the voice called out.

Olivia's eyes widened.

"Yeah, your boyfriend Brian. He's waiting for us in the bedroom. Fun times ahead!"

Another wave of panic and fear washed over the brunette. "Can't we talk about this?"

"I already let you talk too much to your visitor. I don't negotiate any further. Let's go."

Olivia knew all too well what Lewis Williams was capable of, but truly didn't want to believe Brian Cassidy would or even could be like the Beast. But she _had_  just broken up with him the night before. Liv knew people could do some very crazy things when they had just broken up with someone. She'd lost count of how many call outs she'd attended involving disgruntled lovers, husbands and wives over the years.

Never verbalising her current distress, Olivia struggled relentlessly as she was shoved, dragged and man-handled towards a fate unknown.

* * *

As Olivia shut the apartment door, she whispered "Bye Lex."

Alex, trying to comprehend what had just occurred between herself and Olivia, quickly moved away from the door so she couldn't be seen from the peephole. The ADA kept listening for any sound of distress within the detective's apartment, as she fished for her cell phone.

* * *

John Munch walked into the bullpen, seeing only Don Cragen sitting in his office, head buried in paperwork. "What? No welcoming committee?" he asked at the Captain's office door.

"You picked a hell of a week to take time off, John." Don stood and welcomed back the sergeant with a hand shake.

"Well, it's not every week Conspiracy Con 2013 occurs on the East Coast. It's always on the West Coast. So, what's been happening here?"

"How much time do you have?" sighed the Captain.

"That bad, huh?" Munch frowned.

"Pull up a chair," Cragen handed over the reports for Munch to examine, while bringing him up to speed on the Lewis William case.

Munch shook his head when he saw the torture pictures of Alice Parker "This guy's a real piece of work. Confessing to Liv and Nick under the guise of hypotheticals, unbelievable."

Don shook his head in disbelief as well.

"And there's been nothing with this guy that would stick? Geez, the guy's like teflon." Munch threw the reports back on the desk in disgust.

"You're not wrong, John," The Captain rubbed his temples before continuing, "Actually, speaking of teflon, I got a call from Cutter today. Looks like we're getting  _our_  Teflon back to work along side Barba."

"Cabot's coming back? That's fantastic. I bet Liv'll like the sounds of that news."

"Well it's not official news just yet. Official announcement tomorrow or Wednesday, and back permanently on July 1st. But yeah, I do think Olivia'll be pleased," Don nodded.

"You ever get the feeling there's... something... between those two ladies?" John broke the silence.

"John, you sound like an old gossip. You know Olivia's seeing Brian," Cragen chastised. He wondered for a moment if that's who Olivia meant when she said she had some personal things to sort out a few days ago.

"Not gossip, merely years of observation and interaction. The matching necklaces all those years ago was a bit of a sign. And I know Liv's  _seeing_  Brian, but that's _not_  what I asked."

Don pondered a moment before choosing his words carefully, "I'll say this: even after all these years, when they're in each other's presence, it's like the weight of the world has been lifted from their shoulders for both of them." Mentally adding, 'It reminds me of when I was anywhere near Marge.'

The SVU Captain wasn't letting on as much as he actually knew - at least what Olivia had admitted to him in confidence, breaking down immediately after Alex's 'death'. Don and Liv had talked a couple of times over the years regarding Alex, but this was the icebreaker. It wasn't Elliott that took her home after waiting hours at the hospital, it was Don. Silently crying from the heartbreaking news that Alex hadn't survived, Olivia held her emotions in as best she could until she was in the car with Don, where she openly sobbed. Cragen knew this wasn't just crying for a colleague or friend, but weeping for a loved one. Only two sentences were spoken the entire journey:

_'You loved her, didn't you Liv?'  
'More than she ever knew, Dad.'_

The same way he wept for Marge. The same way he loved Marge.

A small smile tweaked at Don's mouth at the loving memories of his deceased wife as he continued, "So to use your statement, I get the feeling there's... something... between them. Who knows if they'll ever act upon it? Who knows if they haven't already? I think they'd make a lovely couple if they did. But as we both know, Liv's with Brian. Now Nick and Amanda, that  _could_  be... something... brewing."

"Nick and Amanda?! Now who's the gossip!" Munch laughed heartily. "Seriously, Nick and Amanda? Not Fin and Amanda?"

"Fin and Amanda are like what Olivia and Elliott were. Partners, nothing else."

"Speaking of brewing, you want cup of coffee?"

" _I'll_  make the coffee!" Don quickly stood up.

"What's wrong with my coffee making skills?" Munch questioned.

"What's right with them," muttered Don under his breath, exiting the office.

"I heard that!" retorted the Sergeant.

Cragen was in the middle of pouring fresh coffee when his cell phone rang, "Do you mind answering that, John?"

"No problem, Cap" Munch called over his shoulder before answering, "Captain Don Cragen's cell phone. Sergeant John Munch speaking," even though he saw the caller ID.

"John, it's Alex -"

"Teflon!"

"John, listen! I need to speak to Don... the both of you even. Put me on speaker if you have to." Alex quickly hissed.

Munch heard the urgency in Alex's voice and immediately called out, "It's Cabot, and I doubt its a social call."

Upon Cragen quickly reentering his office, Munch hit the speaker button, "Go ahead Alex."

"l think Olivia's in trouble."

"What makes you think that, Alex?" asked Don.

"Olivia told me to leave because of what's been happening with  _work_ , even though she asked me to dinner only about an hour earlier. She didn't even unchain the door!"

"Maybe she wasn't in the mood? I did give her two days after all," Cragen tried to justify.

"Look, Liv said  _her_  mother rang, and asked if would ask  _my_  mother to the ballet. They're both deceased! And she asked me to say hello to  _Dad_  into same breath. You  _know_  that's your nickname, Don. I  _know_  about the Williams case that SVU's been investigating this past week. I know he's out on bail. Olivia told me all about that creep getting off on telling her what he did to Alice Parker, _supposedly_. And his attorney accusing Liv in court of being obsessed with him! You didn't see the look in her eyes, Don."

A bad feeling started to creep over the Captain at that last statement. He'd seen that look, but in Alice Parker's eyes. It just didn't register at the time.

"John, get on the phone to ESU. Possible hostage situation with one of our own at 203 West 89th Street, Apartment 4E. Unknown suspect at this stage, but is to be considered armed and dangerous. Then meet me at the squad car!" Cragen called out as Munch strode from the office. Gathering up his service weapon and keys from the desk drawer he continued, "Alex, where are you in the building?"

"I'm in the hall outside Olivia's apartment." Alex paced back and forth, stealing a glance at the door every now and then.

Cragen grabbed three bulletproof vases from the locker, before snatching up his cell phone to run down to the garage. "You're not going to like what I'm about to suggest, but I need you wait for us in the lobby Alex," he ordered.

"No! I'm not leaving Don! What if something happens? I have to help her!"

As soon as they were at the car, Don tossed the keys to John, flicked on the lights and sped off.

"Alex, you  _are_  helping her. You've done your job, now let us do ours. You've done what Olivia's asked and told me. The only thing you have to do now is stay safe. Get to the lobby now! We'll be there in 5 minutes."

"No, I won't -"

"Counsellor, if you're not in the lobby by the time we get there, I'll have no hesitation arresting you for obstruction," Don stated. The Captain, Sergeant and ADA all knew that was empty threat, but desperate times call for desperate measures. "Alex, listen. We'll be there soon. Olivia has a gun and negotiation training, she'll be ok. Wait in the lobby... do it for Olivia."

Alex sighed, she'd do anything for Olivia. She pressed the elevator button and waited, still pacing.

"Alex, is there video cameras in the apartment building?" Munch suddenly asked. Don gave him a quizzical look.

"Yes, in the elevators. And I think there might be in the garage," Alex said.

"What if this guy tries to leave or something while Cabot's going to the lobby? We want to cover all bases." Munch whispered to Cragen, trying not to think of  _the_  worst case scenario, but possible alternatives.

"So none in the stairs?" Munch asked aloud, swerving around a taxi.

"No, not that I'm aware of," she replied.

"Then  _you_  take the stairs. Go, now! We're not too far away." Cragen ordered.

Alex looked down at her feet and sighed. Of all the things to do while wearing Christian Louboutin pumps. "Ok, ok. I'm going." The blonde toed off her shoes, took one last look back at Olivia's door and entered the stairwell.

Almost four flights of stairs down, sudden noises made Alex scream in terror. She knew that sounds all too well.

"AHHHHHHHHHH! NONONONONO!" Alex continued faster down the last few steps and threw open the stairwell door to the lobby.

"What is it?! Talk to us Alex!" John tried to keep the ADA focused.

"GUNFIRE! THERE'S BEEN GUNFIRE!"

"ALEX! WE'RE NOT TOO FAR AWAY! HOW MANY SHOTS?!" Cragen barked.

"TWO! Two shots!" Alex choked out as she heard the wail of a police siren getting closer, though it felt to her as though they were taking forever.

Exiting the apartment building, Alex saw the flashing lights as she waited on the kerb. Munch skidded to a stop, with the ESU van arriving a few seconds later. Jumping out the car, Cragen quickly put his bulletproof vest and went over to the ESU hostage negotiator.

Munch put his vest then handed the other to Alex. "You put this on and keep it on, Alex. But  _don't_ leave this spot until Cragen or I give the all clear, alright?"

The ADA was about to protest before Munch added, "Do it for Olivia, ok?"

Alex nodded her understanding, and slipped the vest on. Munch joined Cragen for a short while for the briefing, before entering the lobby. A few ESU personnel proceeded up the stairs while Munch, Cragen and the ESU negotiator took the elevator. A couple of ESU officers stayed outside a short distance from Alex.

As Alex leant against the squad car waiting with bated breath for any information from inside the apartment building, a silver car exiting the garage caught her eye. The man behind the wheel gave her a smirk, making Alex's skin crawl. A radio suddenly crackled to life with the voice of Don Cragen, taking Alex's attention away.

"OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! CALL A BUS!"

Alex only heard snippits from the radio after that.

"NOT BREATHING..."

"WEAK PULSE..."

"TWO GSWs..."

The blonde didn't wait around to hear anymore after that, and took off back inside the apartment with only one thought in her head: Olivia.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully the threads of the story are easy to follow as I weave them (particularly the previous chapter and this one - though the story won't always be written in this style. I'm just trying to explain how some things happened and how we arrived where we are right now, and it's the way my muse told me I had to write it).

Cragen, Munch and the ESU negotiator waited for the rest of ESU to join them before knocking on the door of apartment 4E.

No response.

Knocking again, Munch called out "Olivia? It's John."

Still no response.

Before the ESU leader could signal for the battering ram to break the door open, Munch jiggled the door handle.

It opened.

Guns at the ready, Cragen and Munch followed the ESU members into the apartment. Cragen headed straight for the bedroom, Munch following close by. They were shocked to see the lifeless body covered in blood on the bed, a fine gold chain with a rectangular pendant resting by the body.

"Oh geez, no!" Munch groaned. He got his handcuff key and unlocked the metal shackles holding wrists tightly behind their back.

"OFFICER DOWN! OFFICER DOWN! CALL A BUS!" Cragen barked into the radio.

Munch relayed the injuries to Cragen as John began CPR.

Don quickly passed on the information to the other ESU members, "VICTIM'S NOT BREATHING! HAS A WEAK PULSE! HAD SUFFERED TWO GSWs AT CLOSE RANGE! TWO CHEST WOUNDS! LOST A LOT OF BLOOD! COMMENCING CPR!"

* * *

Olivia struggled relentlessly as she was shoved and man-handled by Lewis William towards a fate unknown. To her bedroom. Her personal retreat, her own private sanctuary from the evils of the world, and the horrors associated with SVU.

Fear.

Terror.

Sealview.

Lowell Harris.

Run.

Hide.

Fight.

Survive.

History repeating.

"Liv!" Brian called out again.

Too many emotions to deal with. Too many thoughts racing though her head. Being dragged into the bedroom, what Olivia was confronted with wasn't at all what she expected.

Brian was struggling as he stood next to the bed, restrained just like Olivia. Except gaffer tape bound his wrists, not handcuffs. A large contusion near his forehead, and a crude gag once taped around his mouth and head now slipped down around his chin.

"Get away from her, you sick bastard! Don't fucking touch her!" Brian lunged as best he could at Lewis, but stopped when he saw the Beast whip the gun from his front pocket and click off the safety.

"Both of you, on the bed. NOW!" Lewis levelled the gun between both the female detective and the male police officer, a twisted grin on his face.

The NYPD officers slowly lowered themselves down to sit on the edge of the bed next to each other.

"Either of you turn around, and I'll shoot," Lewis snarled as he went around to the other side and climbed on to the bed. He suddenly snapped Olivia's stolen handcuffs on Brian's wrists, before removing the tape and gag, then climbing off the bed.

"Now. Who. Do. I. Kill. First?" Lewis stood in front of them and wondered aloud, pointing the gun between the former lovers each time he spoke those words. "Do I kill you, Brian? Leaving Olivia heartbroken? Or do I kill you, Olivia? Leaving Brian distraught?"

"I want to know how you got in here?" Olivia suddenly asked, trying to distract Lewis and buy some time.

"I told you, Brian let me in. And he gave me his gun and cuffs."

"Bullshit! I was getting my coat, Liv. He king hit me from behind, and when I woke up I was taped up and gagged. He made sure I knew he  _stole_  my gun, cuffs and cuffkey!"

"Gave. Stole. Same thing." Lewis brushed away the comment.

"I believe you Brian," Olivia reassured. She mentally chastised herself. How could she have thought Brian would be working with Lewis and want to hurt her? Under immense pressure, many different dark thoughts and scenarios go through peoples minds. Some scream and rage, others withdraw and stay silent.

"How did you get here, Lewis?" she asked her captor.

"Borrowed my lawyer's car while she was a little tied up," Lewis replied, trying to stifle a laugh.

"You probably stole that too," mumbled Brian.

Pointing the gun towards Brian, Lewis mocked "Yeah. Now, who'll beg first? Are you going to  _beg_  me not to kill him, Olivia?  _Beg me_  to spare his life? Or are you going to  _beg me_  not to kill Olivia, Brian?" He pointed the gun at Olivia.

"NO! Don't hurt her! I'll do anything you want, just DON'T hurt Olivia!" pleaded Brian.

"Brian, no!" Olivia cut in.

"Shut up, Olivia! You'd do  _anything_ like all the others?!" Lewis raised his eyebrow.

"Anything you want. You're in charge, man. Please don't hurt her."

"Yeah, I  _am_  in charge. Are you  _begging_ like all the others, Brian?"

"Yes, I'm begging you! Please," Brian implored.

Those words.

Magical words.

Music to his ears.

Begging.

Pleading.

Handing over control willingly.

A wonderful gift.

"Maybe you'd die for her?" Lewis snarled, before pulling the trigger twice in quick succession, emptying two bullets into Brian's body. The police officer slumped back onto the bed, desperately fighting for each breath he took.

Shallower and shallower.

Lewis smiled as he looked at Olivia. Pulling Liv to her feet, he yanked the Fearlessness pendant from her neck, breaking the chain. He tossed it next to the lifeless body along with Olivia's gun, then grabbed out small roll of gaffer tape, taping a gag around Olivia's mouth and head.

Panting.

Wheezing.

Brian had already stared death in the face and survived, barely. Just like Alex. Too much blood pouring from his body. Just like Alex.

Gasping.

Olivia tried to stop the tears sliding down her cheeks. Even though they had broken up last night, there was no reason for Brian to be senselessly killed like this. The detective knew history wouldn't be repeating itself for Brian to survive this time as she looked at his unfocused glassy eyes.

Silence.

She was able to help stop the bleeding those times. Able to help those she loved and cared for. Friends and colleagues. Alex. Fin. Melinda. Brian. Not this time. Now she herself, needed all the help she could get. Alone with the Beast.

Lewis clamped his hand around Liv's throat, just putting enough pressure to let her know he could squeeze the life out of he at any time. Pulling Brain's gun from the back of his trousers, he pressed it to Liv's stomach, safety off. "Elevator, now!"

Entering the elevator, Lewis pressed the button for the parking garage with the muzzle of the gun. Terror still coursing through her veins, Olivia stopped struggling as she glanced up at the video camera.

Currently her only other lifeline besides Alex. Olivia just hoped Alex could help her in time.

"Bet you're wondering: 'He won't get away with this, will he?' I _always_  get away with it. I _always_  have and  _always_  will. I'll get away with killing him because I didn't kill him...  _you did_. It's all on you, Detective Benson." Lewis breath tickled Olivia's ear, his body pressing up against her back. He followed the brunette's gaze to what she was focusing on, chuckling quietly and quickly waved hello to the camera with the gun.

As the doors of the elevator opened to the parking garage, the sound of an emergency siren could be heard, then tires screeching to a stop. He whispered closely, "I turned the cameras off after I killed your super. Wouldn't want any evidence lying around, y'know. Get moving."

Popping the trunk of a silver car a short distance away, Olivia took a chance and broke free while Lewis was distracted. Sirens and flashing light in the distance meant safety for the detective, her family in blue and Alex. With her wrists cuffed behind her back she only managed a short distance before Lewis William caught her around her waist. She tried to scream through the tape, but he covered her mouth with his hand to stifle the noise. Being dragged her back to the car, Olivia writhed and squirmed endlessly, but her eyes widened when she saw defense attorney Vanessa Meyer bound, gagged and unconscious inside the trunk. It was that split second of surprise for the brunette that the Beast got the upper hand, bundling her into the trunk as well, and slamming it closed.

Darkness.

Helpless.

Lewis pulled the car out of the parking space and drove out of the garage. Pausing for a moment to enter the flow of traffic, he looked over and saw a stunning tall blonde woman with a bulletproof vest and black framed glasses leaning against a car, and SWAT-like personnel a short distance further along. Taking in the scene before him, he spoke aloud to no-one, "Shame you'll never find them."

He gave the blonde a smirk when they made eye contact, but her attention was suddenly drawn away before she raced towards the building. Lewis William drove away without a care in the world, to head north along Broadway towards Upper Manhattan.

His initial plans to keep Olivia Benson held hostage in her own apartment like Alice Parker had changed with the kidnapping of his own defense attorney. The opportunity was too great when Vanessa Meyers offered to drive him wherever he wanted to go after paying his bail. Sweet, innocent, and oh so naïve. Overpowering her was too easy. His plans had morphed further when he found the door to the detective's apartment wide open and a man was standing near the lounge chair muttering, "I love you, Liv. I really do love you, and I'll do anything to prove it."

"Anything?!" Lewis startled the man and king hit him, as the man spun around to the see who the voice was. The man fell to the floor, hitting his head heavily on the coffee table corner.

Out cold.

Gun. Cuffs. Cuff key. Wallet. Photo identification. NYPD officers shield.

Jackpot!

Hmm... Brian Cassidy.

A photograph of Brian with Olivia looking happy together, dated Christmas 2012.

Obviously the boyfriend.

Lewis licked his lips, that tidbit would come in handy shortly, but he needed to deal with the video cameras before dealing with this Brian guy, now handcuffed. He'd taken the stairs when he saw the cameras when he arrived at the apartment building initially. A knock on the super's door, a flash of an NYPD officers shield and a mention that co-worker Olivia Benson was concerned the cameras in the elevator weren't working - you better take a look... just in case. Idle chit-chat while walking with the super to the CCTV room then suddenly squeezing the breath from him... all too simple.

* * *

SLAP!

Brian Cassidy's eyes slowly focused on the figure in front of him. He tried to speak, but his mouth wouldn't move. He tried to move, but he couldn't. His arms were behind his back, and his head was thumping.

Who the hell was this guy standing in front of him?!

And what the hell was he doing inside Olivia's apartment?!

"Sooo...  _Brian_? Thanks for the gun... and the cuffs... and the cuff key. I see Detective Benson's your girlfriend. I wonder... how good is she in bed? I mean, does she scream your name when she comes?... Or is she one of those women that silently enjoys their orgasm?... Is she a multiple orgasm girl?... " the man in front of him asked, while lazily spinning the now removed handcuffs around his finger. "Maybe I'll find out myself?... I'd sure like to!... Maybe you'd like to watch?" he sneered.

Brian wanted to rip this guy's throat out, but he couldn't even manage to move a muscle right now, lying on Olivia's bed.

The noise of the apartment door unlocking broke the tension.

"Sounds like your girlfriend's home now. Fun times ahead!" the man said, pocketing Brian's gun and handcuffs before leaving the bedroom.

"Hello?... Hello?"

"Welcome home, Detective Benson."

* * *

"OLIVIA?! OLIVIA!" Alex cried out as she approached 4E.

"You can't go in there, ma'am," An ESU member stopped her before she could enter the apartment.

The ADA tried to brush past him, she _had_  to know Olivia was alright. The detective was her... everything.

"I have to know Olivia's alright. I heard the radio... officer down. It's her apartment, she's in there! I have to see her!"

"Ma'am -" the ESU member moved Alex away so the ESU paramedics could enter.

"If you're telling me this because she died..." Alex sobbed, she couldn't even finish that sentence.

"Ma'am, there's no woman in there. Only a man," he explained.

"I saw her not 5-10 minutes ago! How can she not be there?! -"

Cragen exited the apartment and moved Alex further from the door, "Alex, it's not Olivia. It's Brian. And ahh... it doesn't look good... for either of them."

Alex initially breathed a sigh of relief to hear it wasn't Olivia, but then gave him a puzzled look before the Captain continued, "I don't know if Brian will make it. He's lost too much blood and he's stopped breathing. It's touch and go... at best."

He let the information sink in for the ADA.

"Alex, we can't be positive yet, but it looks like a police issue gun and cuffs, probably Brian's. And Olivia's not here. Like I said, it doesn't look good for either of them."

The ESU paramedics wheeled Brian away, Munch following after them covered in Brian's blood.

"Are you seriously suggesting Olivia did this?! That Olivia shot Brian?! They'd... " Alex had intended to say 'They'd broken up', stopped herself before she did. She knew that statement would appear very suspicious given what Don Cragen was suggesting, and given it was only the night before that they had actually broken up. Nor did she know if Olivia had told anyone else except herself. "They'd... been together for about 9 months," she covered.

"Look, I don't believe for a moment Olivia would do this. CSU and TARU are on their way right now and -"

"WHERE. IS. OLIVIA?!"

Cragen shook his head, "We don't know. She's gone."

* * *

END NOTE: Hopefully the different threads of the story weren't too difficult for you to follow - but that's the way the muse said I had to write it.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know nothing about guns, NYPD/TARU/CSU procedure. Apologies if anything is wrong/inaccurate

Alex was torn. She knew the police needed to do their jobs, there was a crime scene after all. But for them to even contemplate that Olivia would shoot Brian - completely insane! They hadn't seen the fear in her eyes earlier. A tiny thought crept into her head: what if it was Brian that Olivia had been scared of? No. NO! She immediately pushed that thought away. Even though it pained Alex the few times when she  _had_  seen Brian and Olivia together, he just wasn't like that. And neither was Olivia.

It felt as though the police were working more diligently than normal, yet much more slowly. CSU were already working over Olivia's apartment with a fine tooth comb.

"Why aren't you checking the video cameras? People don't just disappear into thin air!" Alex appealed.

"We're waiting for TARU, that's their department," came the reply from a young CSU officer bagging Olivia's necklace.

The clipboard CSU Captain Judith Siper was making a notation on was snatched from her hand by IAB Lieutenant Ed Tucker.

"Well, well, well. Let's see." Tucker made a big show of it. "Specialized serial number:  _USA NYPD_... well, definitely NYPD issue...  _One, zero, zero, one, six_... look at that, that's the 16th Precinct... and  _four, zero, one, five_... I don't have the details on me, but I bet my retirement payout that's Detective Olivia Benson's badge number. And what's this? The serial number on the handcuffs match the serial number on the gun. Case closed."

Don Cragen was doing everything to not take the bait. But the thought of punching Tucker was very appealing right about now. "Circumstantial. Doesn't prove Olivia shot Brian."

"Detective Benson's a renegade just like that ex-partner of hers, Stabler. I've been waiting for her to slip up all these years and will take great pleasure in having her thrown out. She was investigated for murder before and got off. Maybe Cassidy being accused of rape was enough to set her off?"

"I think your grasping, Tucker" Cragen snapped.

"The proof is undeniable. Her apartment, her gun, her cuffs, her necklace, her boyfriend and she's nowhere to be found," Tucker sneered.

" _I'll_  be the judge of the forensic proof. Now, get out of my crime scene and go back to the sewer you crawled out of." Judith snarled, snatching back her clipboard. While she understood the need for IAB to be here, she loathed Ed Tucker with a passion. Smarmy prick.

Alex couldn't be there any longer. She left to go see Mr Dawson, the kindly old super. Maybe he could help speed things up by unlocking the CCTV room, at the very least. That footage would hopefully shed some light on Olivia Benson's disappearance.

* * *

"Who did this to you, Brian?" Munch asked a barely conscious Cassidy, as they travelled to Mount Sinai Hospital.

Brian struggled more and more to breathe.

"Did Olivia do this?" the Sergeant prompted gently. He didn't want to ask, but anything Brian could tell John would help.

Cassidy minutely shook his head, no. With all the effort he could muster, he removed the oxygen mask from face his to whisper two words before flatlining: " ... a... man..."

The paramedics began feverishly working to revive the police officer again.

* * *

Ruben Morales was entering the lobby of Olivia's building as Alex exited the stairwell. She tried to bring him up to speed of what was needed without letting her emotions get in the way, as they made their way over to the super's door. Knocking repeatedly, Alex got no reply. The ADA thought it was odd, Olivia had always said Mr Dawson was very attentive, prompt and friendly. And the times she had met him over the years, she certainly agreed with the brunette detective.

"Maybe over there?" Ruben called out as he noticed the door a little further along slightly ajar.

Gently pushing the door open after knocking, Ruben grinned at the room full of darkened monitors. "I'll get to work," Morales said.

It didn't take the TARU technician long to notice a big problem as he checked over the equipment.

"Umm... ADA Cabot? There's no recording equipment here. Only live feed from the cameras, and a false recording box."

The blonde looked at the monitor Morales was indicating, watching both Tucker and Cragen in a very heated stouche. She was very glad she was down on the ground floor now.

"Olivia said that the building's security cameras had just been upgraded," responded Alex, not telling the TARU member that Olivia mentioned that to her in the car Friday evening as she drove to the Whitney. That wonderful evening full of hope and promise seemed such a long time ago now. "l think she also said cameras were installed in the garage."

"Techs usually install all the equipment together to save space, and for easy access. But if good techs installed these cameras, they'd have put the recording equipment away from the monitors. I know I would have. It's like storing your computer backup away from the computer itself."

A low groan was suddenly heard from the back corner of the room, "Come back... to... finish... me off?"

"Fred, are you alright? What happened?" Alex knelt down to check the super over. Large finger bruises were visible on his throat.

Morales quickly left to fetch an ESU member to assist the older man.

"Sorry... Alex... didn't... realise..."

"What do you mean try and finish you off?" Cabot asked.

"Olivia's... co-worker... cameras not... working... followed me... choked me," Fred indicated his neck. "Never seen... him... before. Maybe... new or ... co-worker of... Olivia's... gentleman... friend... Bryce?... Brad?"

"Do you think you'd recognise this man if you saw him?" Alex questioned, as she grabbed her cell phone and sent a quick message to Cragen asking for a picture of Lewis Williams. She realised she didn't know what this Beast looked like either.

The older man nodded, yes, as an ESU paramedic administered oxygen to him through nasal tubing.

"I'm with Technical Assistance Response Unit with the NYPD. With the security camera upgrade, where did recording equipment get installed?" Ruben queried.

Fred glanced over at the ADA for conformation before answering. He'd lost a bit of faith in people claiming they were with the NYPD, even with badges. Mr Dawson pointed in the direction, "Room... key...G4," then tried to unclip the keys from his belt loop.

Ruben took the keys and his equipment to the room indicated, as Alex's phone buzzed with an incoming text. Glancing at the screen, the male in the image looked vaguely familiar and creepy. Where had Alex seen him before? She searched her memory, as she showed the image to Fred.

"That's... him... Alex," Mr Dawson croaked, looking at the cell phone screen.

Alex studied the image again, still not able to place where she'd him. She excused herself, exited and made her way over to Morales.

"This is good equipment. Motion/heat activated. Effectively only records when necessary."

Morales looked over the elevator footage over the last short while, spotting Brian Cassidy entering the elevator. They watched him breathe on his hand then sniff it while on the short journey to the 4th floor. Alex tried not to roll her eyes or snort. The next brief footage was a male, his face not clearly visible, but the man didn't enter. Another resident of the apartment took the elevator to the 2nd floor, and a young couple getting hot and heavy went up to the 7th floor, then Olivia entered with a bag of groceries and snuck a glance at the camera. Alex tried not to smile when Olivia smiled widely as she exited. Entering the elevator next was Alex herself. She watched as she smoothed her jacket then her hair. Looking at this footage now, the ADA was suddenly very greatful she hadn't adjusted her bust. Some footage of Alex pacing at the elevator door talking on her phone, then looking at her feet before removing her shoes and leaving played out on the screen next.

Suddenly, Alex gasped. Olivia was entering into the elevator, mouth taped, and a man with his hand around her throat and a gun to her stomach.

"Come on, look up" hissed Alex, as Olivia looked up to camera, followed by the man who waved his gun at the camera.

Then it hit her like a sledgehammer. Lewis Williams was the man in the car exiting the garage.

"The garage! Show the footage from the garage!" Alex prompted as she grabbed her cell phone and dialled Don Cragen.

Ruben Morales tapped a few keys on the laptop so another window appeared on screen. The ADA heard the Captain answer, but she wouldn't break her focus from the screen. The blood drained from Alex's body as she watched Olivia break away then be grabbed around the waist by Lewis, realising this all occurred while she waited by the squad car. A small choked sob escaped the blonde as she watched Olivia struggle, then be bundled into the trunk and Lewis drive out the garage.

Still staring at the screen, Alex slowly brought the cell phone to her ear and murmured, "Lewis Williams abducted Olivia."

* * *

"Go down to the lobby,  _you_  said! Take the stairs,  _you_  said! If  _l_  had stayed in the hall,  _none_  of this would've happened!  _I_  could've stopped Lewis taking Liv."

"Or you or Olivia could've ended up like Brian when he left the apartment, Alex."

"Oh, so  _now_  you believe? Earlier,  _you_  thought Olivia was an  _attemped murderer!_ This is  _all_  your fault,  _Captain_!" Alex knew what she had just said was completely irrational, but she needed to vent and rage at someone before she completely broke down emotionally in front of everyone. Anger was much easier to deal with presently, no way in the world was Alexandra Cabot going to cry here. Later definitely yes, but not now. Unfortunately, Don Cragen was on the receiving end of the verbal tirade. She took a shaky breath, before apologising for the outburst.

"I already blame myself, Alex. l gave her 2 days, remember! lf you hadn't been having dinner with Liv, we'd more than likely be 2 days behind the 8-ball on this one. TARU's dumping all localised CCTV footage as we speak. We'll find her, I promise."

Ed Tucker called over his shoulder almost gleefully as he left, "Still doesn't disprove the theory Detective Benson shot Police Officer Cassidy."

That comment weighed heavily among everyone.

"He's right. The rat bastard's right. Only Olivia's prints will be on the gun. Lewis Williams burnt his all his off," Cragen grimaced.

Judith Siper walked over, "Just because he burned off his  _fingerprints_ , doesn't mean he didn't leave other evidence behind."

"But there's no DNA of his left to compare to," Don sighed. "That's how he got released last time."

"We mightn't have _his_  DNA now, but we do have Olivia's to rule  _her_  out. We have Brian's too. And just because Lewis burnt his fingerprints off, doesn't mean anything because he didn't burn his  _palm_  prints off. They're just as distinct and individual as fingerprints," the CSU Captain replied.

"We're trying to contact his medical proxys, but it's after hours at the retirement home where his mother is, and his other proxy isn't currently contactable. We're still trying though," Munch explained to the doctor standing in front of him, covered in Brian's now dried blood. "Look, I don't need to know all the details because l'm not making a medical decision, but please as his co-worker, give me something."

"In all honesty Sergeant Munch, l suggest you pray for a miracle."

"I'm Jewish," John retorted.

The doctor looked up from his paper work, "So am I."

Munch exhaled heavily and dug out his cell phone again.

The doctor looked up, taking pity of the blood soaked man in front of him. "Mr Cassidy's lost a substancial volume of blood, and been without oxygen for significant amounts of time. He's critical, barely stable and we still have more tests to run. But honestly, l wouldn't be surprised if he's suffered some type of brain injury  _if_  he survives. His loved ones should be prepared for the worst."

That's exactly what John Munch was afraid of.

* * *

Judith Siper managed to obtain a set of palm prints off the grip of the service weapon that distinctly weren't either Olivia Benson or Brian Cassidy. Luminol glowed brightly on the base plate of the magazine clip, and between the magazine clip and the butt of the grip. She doubted it was Brian's, as the gun wasn't near any of his blood on the sheets. The CSU Captain smiled, that meant someone with a larger grip than Olivia's fired the gun and got their finger pinched, breaking the skin severely enough to bleed. Siper knew as she swabbed the blood it wouldn't be Olivia Benson's, the NYPD made sure all guns fit each officer properly before issue. Now all they had to do was find the owner of the blood to find the missing detective.

* * *

Lewis studied the wound on his little finger as he drove along.

He'd been careless.

Sloppy.

He needed to show he was still in control. He craved that control.

He loved it even more when they begged, pleaded and handed over their control.

Someone needed to pay for his mistake.

One of the women in the trunk needed to pay for  _his_  mistake.

He just hadn't decided who.

Yet.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please excuse me if l'm wrong on driving distance & time. I'm only working off Google Maps.

Vanessa Mayer had regained consciousness some time ago, but the concept of time was lost for Olivia while in the trunk of the car. She figured 2 or 3 hours had passed perhaps, if she had to hazard a guess. For all she knew, Lewis could have been driving the perimeter of Central Park over and over again. But she did know the car stopped for a while some time after she was taken. Perhaps he'd stopped for gas? But it was difficult to tell with the engine still running.

The car suddenly pulled over, and the trunk opened. Olivia looked around, trying to see anything that might give her a clue as to where she was, but it was still dark. A bright flash of light blinded the detective, followed by a familiar sound of a polaroid type instant camera.

"Just a little snapshot as a momento," Lewis chuckled before taking another photograph, then slamming the trunk closed again. It was some time before he drove off again.

What seemed like more hours passed. Lewis Williams laughed to himself when he entered the outskirts of a town baring his name. The irony. But still he kept driving, though his destination wasn't much further for the mind games he was going to play with everyone.

The brunette noticed the road surface changed from highway smooth to unsealed rougher terrain, but that still could mean they were anywhere.

Eventually the car came to a complete stop and the trunk opened.

"Ladies, you can scream  _all_  you want where we are, but  _no-one_  will hear you. Because  _no-one_  knows you're here," Lewis looked down at them, taunting maliciously.

He didn't need to cover the women's face when he frogmarched each them, one at a time, inside the dwelling's cellar with the gun at the back of their heads as it was still dark outside. A single solitary low wattage lightbulb barely lit the stone walls and floor of the square room that contained two toilets - one in each diagonally opposite corner - and not much else.

Sitting on a mattress on the floor with her back against the wall, a still gagged and visibly terrified Vanessa was already handcuffed one handed to a length of chain stretching the perimeter of her wall with antique handcuffs when Olivia entered. But Lewis didn't remove the detectives cuffs straight away and pocketed the gun. lf she ever wanted to see Alex again she had to keep her wits about her and stay alive, but she wouldn't give up without a fight. As he went to remove the gag, a surge of anger and adrenalin swept through Olivia. She headbutted him, making Lewis stumble backwards.

"And here I was being nice to you," he rubbed his forehead. Olivia snorted at the comment. "But it looks like you're gonna be a feisty one, Detective. Gotta settle you down before I uncuff you."

Lewis left the cellar for a while, locking the door behind him, then returning with a bottle of opened water. Grabbing Olivia around the throat he backed her up against the wall, "Now you either drink this, or l choke you to death like I did your super. Or I could shoot you like your boyfriend if you'd prefer. Your choice. Got it?" He put a little extra pressure on her neck as he waited a few moments before he moved the tape from Olivia's mouth.

"You probably drugged it. Rohypnol?" she stated.

He took a tiny sip himself and grinned, "Probably!"

She slowly drank some, spitting the mouthful in his face. She wouldn't give up control, if ever.

"Do that again, I hold your nose and pour it down your throat and I won't care if you drown," Lewis hissed in her ear, not bothering to wipe away the water trickling down his face.

Liv eyes darted around the darkened room.

Nowhere to run.

Nowhere to hide.

Nowhere to escape.

Trapped.

With much reluctance, Olivia opted for the lesser of the two evils and drank. As her eyes got progressively heavier waiting for the effect of the drugged water to take over, only one thought stayed with her.

Gotta stay alive for Alex.

Stay alive for Alex.

Alive for Alex.

For Alex.

Alex.

* * *

Eyelids still heavy and struggling to open, her vision slowly swam in and out of focus. Olivia hurt all over, and she couldn't understand why. Foggy snippets of recent memories came back slowly. Alex kissing her... breaking up with Brian... kissing Alex in the office... Alex coming back to SVU... Lewis killing Brian... being in the trunk... drinking something... something drugged... she'd been drugged...

Did he...?

Had he...?

She tried to move but her left wrist was shackled to the wall, and her body so very sore as she lay on a mattress.

Olivia  _needed_  to know, as she went to sit up against the wall.

Slowly running her hand over her chest, she noted that her jacket was gone but her shirt was still on. She moved her fingertips beneath the shirt collar, her bra still in place. Sighing in relief, Liv rested her hand on her knee. Instantly, panic set in as she discovered her suit pants were missing. Olivia's hands inched slowly higher, her thighs tender and bruised. Olivia bit her bottom lip hard to stop the tears starting to sting her eyes, but emotion won over the physical pain as they slid down her cheeks. She let out a shallow shaky breath when she found her panties hadn't been taken. But still, she needed to know. Hesitantly, she gently slipped her hand inside her panties and cupped herself. A small choked sob escaped from her.

No pain.

No soreness.

No tenderness.

A small wave of relief washed over her.

"I don't think he did anything, if that's what you're wondering... I'm fairly certain he didn't rape you," Vanessa said quietly from the opposite side of the room, her head down to avoid looking at the detective.

"Then why am I so sore all over?" asked Olivia as she removed her hand.

"You fell quite heavily to the floor when you passed out. He didn't even try to catch you. Also he kicked you in the front and back of your thighs just to make sure you were unconscious, that's why you're sore and bruised," the defense attorney still kept her head down.

"So why did he take my pants?" Liv wondered aloud, still trying to shake the effects of the drugs off.

"I asked him that when he when he removed my gag. He punched me in the face..." Vanessa looked up at Olivia, dried blood from her nose still clearly visible on her face even in the dim light, "... and said to me, and I quote:  _'Welcome to Mind Fuck, Maine. Hope you enjoy your stay, but I know you'll both be begging and pleading me to put you out of your misery by the time I'm finished with the both of you'_ then he took my skirt, and both our watches too. He went away and came back with a bottle of water for each of us. Mine hasn't been opened... I mean the seal is still intact, so I can only assume yours hasn't been tampered with either. He took a photo of each of us again, then left immediately after that, but some time later I think I passed out or fell asleep for a short while from exhaustion. I checked myself the same way when I woke up and had no pain down there. I've been awake for a while now though, and he hasn't been back since."

* * *

It was after Morales reviewed the garage CCTV some more that the NYPD realised that Vanessa Meyer was abducted as well. TARU was able follow Vanessa Meyer's car on CCTV, but lost sight in Mamaroneck, heading towards the New York-Conneticut border.

APB's were issued for Olivia Benson, Vanessa Meyer and Lewis Williams in the Tri-State area, as everything was now in the hands of the Major Case squad. Several leads were followed with apartments, brownstones, storage lockers and businesses raided, but all turned up nothing. It was like they had all disappeared into thin air. All major news services ran stories of the shooting and kidnapping. Elliott Stabler made contact as soon as he was aware of the situation, offering to help in anyway he could. But in all honesty, even he knew: what could an now retired ex-SVU detective do that the Major Case squad weren't already doing?

* * *

Alex had stood in the bullpen only partially listening, as Mike Cutter made the official announcement on the Wednesday morning that she was rejoining SVU on July 1st. What was supposed to be a wonderful homecoming celebration for the ADA was instead very muted and sombre announcement, at best. As she made her way back to 1 Hogan Place, Alex wondered if that was what it was like for the squad... for Olivia, when she returned briefly for the Liam Connors trial but was returned to WitSec immediately. Uphoria to depression in a matter of days. At least Olivia knew Alex was alive back then.

But right now, the older woman that Alex Cabot loved more than she could ever imagine was gone.

Right now, Olivia had been taken before things could truly start between them.

Right now, she knew  _nothing_  of the fate of Olivia Benson.

And right now, that's what pained the younger woman most of all.

* * *

Amanda Rollins surreptitiously peered around the squadroom to see if anyone was paying any attention to her as she inched the drawer of her desk open. Popping the cap off the little orange cylinder she palmed two pain pills - one more than prescribed - and washed them both down with a few gulps of water. Amanda blamed herself for Olivia's disappearance, as she waited for the medication to take the pain away. Whether it was for the pain in her shoulder from the shooting a few weeks earlier, or the emotional pain the entire squad was suffering, she wouldn't say nor admit to. To Amanda, if she hadn't relentlessly pursued this case, none of this would have happened.

Nick Amaro blamed himself for being a bad partner and allowing Olivia to leave without talking to her, or at the very least seeing her home safely. If only he hadn't wanted to see his children so much.

Odafin Tutuola blamed himself for taking no for an answer from Olivia when he suggested going to the bar to forget about the last week. If only he'd been more persuasive.

John Munch blamed himself for not being part of the Lewis Williams case to being with. If only he hadn't gone to Conspiracy Con 2013.

Don Cragen closed the bottom drawer of his desk to hide the tempting bottle of vodka when the mail arrived lunchtime Wednesday. He'd been staring at that clear bottle and its liquid contents more and more since Olivia was taken more than 40 hours ago. Even though the alcohol was now out of sight, it was not out of mind. Its siren song was getting sweeter, louder, stronger and more tempting with every passing moment. He felt what Alex had said to him in her outburst was right, it was his fault. He was blaming himself for Liv being taken and not the real culprit in all of this, Lewis Williams.

Sorting though the small pile, one blue square sized envelope stood out amongst the usual business type windowed ones, addressed to Captain Donald Cragen of the Special Victims Unit at the 16th Precinct in distinct cursive handwriting. Reaching for the paper knife from the desk set Marge gave him when he was promoted to Homicide Captain of the 27th Precinct, Don took in the post mark - Worcester, Massachusetts, and noted no name or return address. It wasn't unusual for the SVU team to receive letters, cards, photographs or progess updates from the then victims, now survivors of the heinous crimes they investigated. Perhaps it was from one of them with details inside? The Captain always took time to read these envelopes straight away. Slicing open the envelope, he reached in and removed two polaroid instant photographs that were facing each other being held together with a paperclip. That was a little unusual, as most photos were now printed out on paper, but it certainly wasn't out of the ordinary as instant cameras were still around. There was no note included, but a lot of the times a short note was written with the printed out photo.

Sliding the paperclip off, he flipped the top photograph over.

The blood drain from the Captain's face as he took in the images before him.

Lying prone, mouths gagged, and a car wheel arch clearly visible, the faces of Olivia Benson in one photograph and Vanessa Meyers in the other conveyed dread and fear.

A message written in the same distinct cursive beneath each instant photograph.

_She's alive, for now._

Donald Cragen reached for the telephone on his desk and pressed a number on speed dial, never once taking his eyes off the photos.

* * *

Alex stifled yet another yawn as entered her office at 1 Hogan. She was desperately fighting a loosing battle as she hadn't truly slept properly since Sunday night. Leaning against the closed the office door to pause a moment, the memory of Olivia backing her against that door and claiming her lips on Monday lunchtime came flooding back. The blonde couldn't believe the detective had remembered what gently stroking her abdomen did to her, even after all these years of that one night together. Then again, the ADA could easily pinpoint that special spot on the brunette's neck near her ear and how it made Olivia melt.

She hoped against all odds that Olivia was safe as she gathered some notes from her desk, then made her way to the couch to read over them. As her eyes got progressively heavier, the notes fluttered to the floor.

Finally, sheer exhaustion won the battle and allowed Alex Cabot to sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, I know nothing about guns, nor am I a medical expert. So apologies if I'm wrong regarding anything about them. I make NO apologies WHATSOEVER for the length nor M rating of this chapter. Honestly there was no good place to break at, I'm sure you'll understand. ;-) Also: Credit to Amanda Green, the SVU writer of the episode 'Ghost', for the beginning segment of this chapter. Ep References: Ghost; Escape; Lowdown; Victims; Loss. Yep, that is all :-)

Alex vaguely heard Elliott Stabler say something about beauty sleep, 8 o'clock and court, but the ex-ADA only had eyes for the woman that had just entered the motel room. Even though she'd seen Liv earlier in the day when she walked into ADA Casey Novak's office, having now just seen Olivia Benson swagger into the room in her leather jacket, jeans and a radiant smile brought a goofy grin to the blonde's own mouth. Even after all this time Alex clearly remembered what Olivia looked like - the image was seared into her memory - it was also like seeing the brunette for the first time. Hair a little longer and lighter, but other than that, she was exactly the same.

Utterly breathtaking.

"He beat you again?" Olivia asked, clearly aware how good Elliott was at backgammon. She had learnt very early on after being partnered with the ex-Marine,  _never_  to play backgammon for money with him. But then again, Elliott had learnt _neve_ r to play Texas hold'em with Olivia Benson.

"Urgh, like a rug!" Alex groaned.

Olivia walked over and dropped her bag down on the chair near the double bed, "You wanna keep playing?" she asked as she removed her jacket. Her undershirt and T-shirt clinging to her body like a second skin.

Good Lord, had she always worn them  _that_  tight?! And was she always _that_  big?!

Oh geez.

"Nah," Alex responded, then sighed heavily. "I wish these windows opened. I... I wanna smell the city."

"You mean the.. ahh... rotting garbage and diesel exhaust?"

"Wisconsin is  _so_  quiet at night. Sometimes when I get homesick, I hum the 'Mr. Softee' song."

Olivia grinned at how adorable that would be, to see and hear Alexandra Cabot hum about the creamiest, dreamiest soft ice cream.

"You making any friends?" Liv asked quietly as she sat down, noting the wistfully sad smile ghost across Alex's lips.

The tone of Alex's voice changed from mere moments ago, sadness rising to the surface, "There's a claims adjuster at the insurance agency where I work... and we've been seeing each other. He's a good man... he thinks I'm from Tulsa... and when we're in bed together at night, he whispers my name... Emily." Alex's eyes darted around the room, out the window, anywhere but at Olivia so she wouldn't burst into tears. She promised herself she wouldn't do that, not tonight.

The detective saw Alex was at the precipice of breaking down, tears already welling in the blonde's eyes, and sympathised with her, "It's hard to be someone that you're not."

Perhaps Alex had finally found someone, even if she was living a lie. After everything the blonde had been through, she certainly deserved happiness. Or maybe it wasn't happiness? Maybe it was that dark place people don't like to admit to visiting, a place where people fear ridicule for being perceived as weak. Olivia certainly hoped it wasn't the latter. She already aware that Alex suffered from anxiety and insomnia.

Alex had to change the subject immediately, "I can't stop thinking like a prosecutor! Connors is gonna sit in that courtroom tomorrow, looking like a... choirboy! He is going to charm the jury with his Irish brogue, and... and _I_  have to make them see who he really is! But..." she sighed with frustration, as Olivia walked across the room and grabbed a folder out of her bag, "... I don't even know what makes him tick!"

"Alex... " Liv paused a moment, weighing up everything as she knew what she was doing was going against everything she knew as a member of the NYPD, but it was the only way to help. "You didn't see this file."

Opening the manila folder, Alex briefly looked at the contents, then back up at Olivia. A police file on Liam Connors.

Olivia Benson was breaking the law... for her.

* * *

"Detective Benson, what you've just shown me is utterly and completely illegal!" Alex chastised from the small dining table she was sitting at as she closed the folder, then added with sincerity, "Thankyou."

"Think of it as a kind of 'returning the favour' for all the times you helped our cases by calling in favours, the least I could do was help with yours," replied Olivia as she stashed the folder back into her overnight bag, then placed her gun and badge on the lamp table. Returning to the table she continued, "Hey, I'm sorry about Novak's abruptness in her office earlier today. She's completely pissed that El and I didn't tell her that you're alive, but I don't know what she expected though? We didn't even tell Dad until he found out."

"I was probably a little short with her myself when I suggested we keep preparing my testimony and she said she thought we were ready, I hit back immediately with  _'Are you?'_. Then again, I understand why she'd be pissed at you and Elliott. I would've reacted the same way if..." she couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence.

A heavy silence hung in the motel room.

"What's been happening with you, Liv? You seeing anyone?" Alex asked making small talk.

Olivia couldn't talk to Casey like she could with Alex. She had no secrets to hide from the former ADA, they had always been very open with each other in their friendship from the beginning. Except for their true feelings for each other. They knew they had a 'thing', but before either could make a move, Alex 'died'. Would either of them ever have the courage?

"I had to work with an old and  _very brief_  boyfriend Andy Eckerson. He asked me out afterwards, but I shot him down very fast. Didn't want to relive  _that_  mistake because he's still the idiot he always was." Olivia took a deep breath before continuing, "And we had to investigate the murder of another old boyfriend of mine, Jeff York."

Alex didn't know what to say so she reached over and gave Olivia's hand a squeeze.

"It was a shock. I knew he was bi like us, but he preferred men. The real shock was when I found out he was HIV positive. I'd slept with him only once, and we'd used protection... I got tested and I'm clean, but that was a _real_  scare for me. I now have an idea what Elliott went through when he thought he might have got HIV. Now the squad makes sure to get tested every 3 months religiously as a precaution, particularly with all the crime scenes we go to."

"I'm glad you're ok. I made sure to get tested for everything after my blood transfusions after the shooting. Clean bill of health too," Alex replied. "But you cleverly avoided my  _other_  question!"

"Ah, well... you know, with work and all... I'm kinda only seeing... Mr Jack Rabbit."

"A.K.A. Mr Dil Doe. And his best friend, Ms Vi Brator. I know the joke and understand. I still see them regularly too," Alex winked and squeezed Liv's again. "You'll find someone someday, Olivia. I know you will. Perhaps one day I will too."

"So, tell me more about this claims adjuster friend of yours?" Olivia steered the subject back to a hopefully more pleasant direction.

Alex suddenly stood up and walked back over to the window to look out over the city. Hugging herself, she pressed her forehead against the cool window pane and shrugged, "What's to tell really? He travels quite a lot with work in the rural areas of Wisconsin, so I only got to see him every so often. But as I said, he's a good man. I know he'll make a great husband and father for that someone special, but I know without a shadow of a doubt that someone special  _isn't_  me. Perhaps if I'd met him under completely different circumstances and maybe in another lifetime, things might have worked out. But it doesn't matter now anyway... it's not as if Emily will ever see him again."

Olivia stood next to Alex and scanned the skyline, whilst sneaking looks at the blonde out the corner of her eye.

"They're packing up everything Wisconsin as we speak. Emily Richards ceased to exist the moment I agreed to return..." Alex desperately fought back the tears for what she had to say next, "And Alex Cabot will once again cease to exist again as soon as this trial is over."

Liv whipped her head around to look at Alex as the façade crumbled, tears sliding down the blonde's cheeks. "Don't act so surprised Liv... actually,  _do_  act surprised because before you got here tonight Elliott hinted that he might have a little something planned after the trial. I'm not supposed to let anyone know..." she took a shaky breath, "As soon as the trial is over, I'll start learning my new identity. I could be Stephanie from Texas... or Theresa from Phoenix... or Jenny from Orlando fucking Florida for all I know!"

Pulling Alex onto her arms, Olivia slowly stroked her hand up and down the blonde's back to calm the sobbing woman who'd buried her face in the curve of the detective's neck.

Olivia soothed her over and over, letting the distraught woman take her time. After a few minutes the sobs died down, the brunette eventually resting her hand on the small of Alex's back. Liv shrugged her shoulder a few times to get Alex's attention, and added with her lopsided grin "Hey, it could be worse... You could be  _Lexi_  from Lexington."

Alex pulled back slightly and choked out a sob, not knowing whether to laugh or cry at the suggestion. "Knowing my luck, they would name me _that_. Make me remember the relentless bullying I had through high school when I admitted to someone I  _thought_  I could trust that I was bisexual. By the end of the day the entire class was adamant I was a lesbian, so 'Sexy Lexi Lesbian' was born. After a while, it became just _Lexi_  so none of the teachers would suspect anything," she retorted as Olivia cupped her cheek, gently wiping away the tears with her thumb.

Whether the blonde had consciously or unconsciously leant into the hand on her cheek, neither women couldn't tell, but the detective had definitely noticed.

"I remember you telling me. And do  _you_  remember I had pretty much the same experience in my final year of high school, but mine was 'Livvy the Lezzy', that's why I dislike Livvy as much as you dislike Lexi. At least for you they got the sexy part right," Liv flirted, then added with sincerity "I promise I'll  _never_  call you that, Alex."

"Olivia, I just want to  _be_  Alex Cabot again and I can't even  _be me_  for the short time I'm here! With Liam Connors aware that I'm still alive, Cesar Velez will know by now and security will be tightened even more. Jack Hammond and the US Marshals won't let me out of their sight! Tomorrow night I'll be in a different motel room, and I'll be in a different motel every  _single_  night the trial is on. I had to beg and plead so that you and Elliott could even watch over me tonight because I may never even get to see  _you_  again."

Both women knew it was a possibility they might not ever see each other again, or at the very least: a very long time. Olivia's last question to Alex had been 'How long?' when she and Elliott had discovered Alex had entered WPP. Alex's reply was just a shrug of her shoulders and a slight shake of her head. She didn't know then, and she didn't know now. It was only by chance they were even here presently. If Elena and Jason Brevet hadn't stolen any money while laundering Casa Vega Enterprises Colombian drug money, Alex would still be living as Emily in Wisconsin at this very moment and everyone would be none the wiser.

Instead, here they were alone with each other in a New York motel room for the next 12 hours. Desire that had always simmered and bubbled just below the surface between the women, slowly rebuilding.

"Hey, you know you can always be yourself in front of me. No matter what name and background they come up with for you,  _you'll always be_  Alex Cabot. You said so yourself, you can't stop thinking like a prosecutor, because that's _who Alex Cabot is_! Because Alex Cabot lives in _here_." Olivia moved her hand from Alex's cheek, placing it over Alex's heart and breast. "Alex Cabot  _always has_  and Alex Cabot  _always will_. Even if she has to become Stephanie from Texas, Theresa from Phoenix, or Jenny from Orlando fucking Florida!"

Staring into the brown eyes darkening with desire before her, Alex hesitantly placed her own hand on top on Olivia's hand and murmured, "You always know how to make a person feel better. To make me feel better."

"All part of the Benson charm," she smiled, glancing longingly at Alex's lips.

The sexual tension in the room was becoming more charged by every passing moment. The question was: Would they finally act on it?

"Are you flirting with me?" Alex knew perfectly well that Olivia was. She swallowed thickly, trying to slow her heart rate with a steadying breath, although Olivia was already aware that Alex's heart rate had increased dramatically under her hand.

Leaning in slowly to make her intentions quite clear, Liv whispered her reply, "Always."

Weaving her other hand around to Olivia's nape, Alex drew her even closer, halting teasingly a mere inch from detective intended destination. Each giving the other the time and opportunity to back out if they truly wanted to.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" Alex's warm breath tickled Olivia's face.

"Yes. You?" breathed the detective.

Alex responded by claiming Olivia's lips.

Tongues, lips and hands languidly and gently explored mouths, curves and covered skin. Even thought they only had a relatively short time alone together tonight, they both sensed this wouldn't and couldn't be an urgent and frenzied fuck against a wall or door. This would be slow and tender, a beautiful memory to cherish forever.

Reluctantly breaking their kiss, Olivia tugged at the bottom of Alex's sweater, "Lift your arms up."

"No... I can't," Alex's hand suddenly clamped around Olivia's wrist, halting any progress.

Immediately taking several steps back towards the bed to give them space, Olivia started to apologise profusely, "I'm so sorry Alex. I... I thought we both wanted... I would  _never_  force... I'm sorry... I didn't mean -"

"Olivia, don't jump to conclusions! I'm not saying no I can't do this, because I want this as much as you. I'm just saying I can't lift my arms up properly. My right shoulder... it still twinges sometimes when I move it certain ways. Just give me a second please," Alex explained, as she grasped at the right sleeve, pulling her right arm back through to the body of the sweater. Hoping she hadn't completely ruined the moment, Alex walked back over to Olivia and pulled her back up into her arms. "It's also the reason I'm wearing a front fastening bra," she said huskily in the brunette's ear before reclaiming Olivia's mouth in a hungry, wet kiss.

Olivia returning the kiss with fervor. Reaching up to undo the twist Alex had put her hair up in, an electrifying shiver ran through Olivia's body when Alex gently suckled on her tongue. Moisture pooling low for the detective at the thought of those lips on her breasts. Her body. Lower.

Good Lord.

Tugging once again at the hem of the sweater, Alex lifted her left arm up without any further prompting from Liv. Inch by inch the pale torso and lavender satin bra of Alex Cabot was revealed. Once removed, Olivia quickly discarded her own T-shirt and undershirt to stand there in her black bra and jeans. Each woman drank in the glorious sight of the other before her.

Then Olivia saw it.

The bullet scar peeking out from beneath the bra strap.

Tears suddenly threatened to spill from brown eyes. She knew the 'official' story by heart: As the surgeons prepared for an emergency thoracotomy, ADA Alexandra Cabot bled out on the operating table from a GSW to the right shoulder, nicking her Subclavian artery an hour after being shot.

The detective knew that puckered wound on her shoulder beguiled the other wounds Alex had suffered - the mental and emotional wounds associated with her shooting. She didn't know how sensitive Alex was about her scar, but an overwhelming need to show how much it had pained her believing Alex had died because she hadn't protected the then SVU's ADA, and how much she truly cared and loved Alex, even though she had never uttered the words, made Olivia tentatively draw the bra strap just off Alex's shoulder and place a long featherlight kiss on it.

"It's because of you, I'm alive now. I'll be forever grateful to you," Alex ran her fingertips over the broad expanse of the brunette's back, before Olivia recaptured her lips.

With practiced ease, Alex unclipped Olivia's bra with a flick of her wrist and removed it completely. Dark nipples quickly tightened in the coolness of the room before Alex alternately lavished attention on each of them with tongue and teeth.

Nipping. 

Lapping.

Suckling.

Caressing.

Olivia relished the lovingly gentle assault Alex was bestowing on her. It had been too long. Far too long. Even though she was bisexual, over the years Olivia came to realise not all men truly understood the joy and art of foreplay. At its worst: a quick grope here, a none to gentle fondle there and maybe a couple of kisses thrown in for good measure, if she were lucky, wasn't really Olivia Benson's idea of getting in the mood (nor being fallen asleep upon during sex). But the women she had been with... well, the term  _'a woman knows what a woman wants'_  was oh so very true.

In a heavy haze of arousal, Olivia wasn't even aware Alex had unbuttoned and unzipped her jeans until she felt them pool around her ankles. Abandoning the nipple in her mouth with a soft pop, and a last quick flick of her tongue for good measure, Alex gave her a cheeky grin as she looked down to see Olivia Benson standing there in black panties.

"H-how?" Olivia tried to comprehend what just happened, but trailed off as her attention was drawn to Alex as she shimmied her jeans over her hips, letting them fall to the floor and stepped out of them. Matching lavender panties.

Oh god.

Kicking her own jeans and shoes off, Olivia reached her hand out to stop Alex as she went to unto her own bra, "Please?"

Alex relented after a moments hesitation. "I know my boobs aren't as big as yours Liv, but-"

Olivia silenced her with a brief kiss.

"But nothing, Alex. They're a perfect handful, and that's all they ever need to be. Don't you  _dare_  let anyone else tell you otherwise," Olivia kept eye contact with the blonde, cupping Alex's breasts gently in her hands hoping not to make Alex feel too self-conscious.

Olivia removed the bra and maddeningly teased Alex's nipples with the pads of her thumb to stiff peaks. Lowering her head, she placed a kiss on the freckle between Alex's breasts then captured a perky pink nipple in her mouth. Threading her hands through shaggy cropped hair, Alex groaned at the deliciousness of Olivia's mouth and tongue on her, and couldn't help but get even more wet.

Both men and women she had been with over the years had commented that maybe she should consider the 'benefit' of enhancement, but Alex personally wasn't overly worried her breasts weren't larger. She could get away without wearing a bra when she really wanted to, but the barrage of suggestions to  _'make them bigger and she would look even hotter'_  was what truly hurt the most from people that were supposed to love her. Olivia was the first to not suggest anything of the sort, but to reassure her she was perfect.

Alex whimpered in protest when Olivia released her nipple and sat on the end of the bed, but stopped when Olivia parted her thighs and beckoned for Alex to stand in the space she'd just made. The detective watched in rapt fascination as Alex's abdomen quivered each time she brushed the blonde's stomach with her lips and her hands lazily trailed up and down the back of Alex's thigh.

"You like that?" she whispered, placing a kiss just below Alex's navel.

"You have... no idea," Alex's voice trembled as she placed a hand on Olivia's shoulder to steady herself. She didn't know how much longer she could stand up after this kind of sensory onslaught.

Liv had some idea as not only could she smell Alex's heady arousal, she could also see it darkening the front of the lavender panties. Hooking her thumbs at the sides of Alex's panties, Olivia looked up at the beauty standing before her and waited. Alex glanced down and nodded her permission. Gliding the panties down over slim hips painfully and deliberately slow, it took all of Olivia's willpower to suddenly stop and rest her hands on Alex's hips. Alex tried to comprehend what had happened, but her brain was clouded in a fuzzy fog.

"You have a tattoo," murmured Olivia in awe.

Alex looked down as Olivia looked up. Without breaking eye contact, Olivia extended her tongue and dragged a long broad lick over the peace sign low on her right hip. Alex moaned at the eroticism, more wetness flooded the underwear that now barely covered her. Distracting the former ADA, Olivia gently bit then suckled the small work of body art, lightly bruising the pale skin beneath. Soothing the blemish with her tongue, she resumed pulling the purple garment down and letting gravity take it to the floor, revealing Alexandra Cabot completely.

Naked.

Glistening.

Sensing Alex was becoming slightly overwhelmed, Olivia guided her to lay down on to the bed. When Liv went to remove her own panties so Alex wouldn't feel as vulnerable, Alex reached out and placed her hands on top of Olivia's. The look in Alex's eyes told Olivia everything she couldn't say. Together they removed the black underwear from Olivia's body.

Bare.

Swollen.

Crawling back on to the bed to hover between the bent long legs of the blonde goddess below her for a time, Olivia reclaimed Alex's mouth. Tongues duelling for dominance. Hands exploring skin. Breasts and nipples lightly brushing. Breaking apart, Olivia slowly began to pepper Alex's body with open mouth kisses, working her way down.

Mouth.

Chin.

Throat.

Scar.

Sternum.

Breast.

Breast.

Navel.

Abdomen.

Hip.

Hip tattoo.

Inner thigh.

Inner thigh.

Then the most intimate kiss of all, tasting the true essence of Alexandra Cabot for the first time.

The blonde grasped blindly to hold onto anything, one grabbed a fistful of bed linen. The other hand entwined with one of Olivia's hooked under her bent knee, resting low on Alex's abdomen to steady her hips.

Teasing the bundle of nerves between her lips with the tip of her tongue, Olivia entered Alex's warm, tight core. First one finger, then another. Alternating the pattern of slowly curling and thrusting over and over again. Tiny mewls and whimpers of sheer ecstasy escaping from Alex as she spiralled higher and higher, tightening her grip of their entwined hands. Cresting and crashing over the edge, she arched off the bed with a sharp cry, rhythmically clenching the digits buried within her. Olivia slowed her movements to draw out Alex's pleasure, showering inner thighs with barely there kisses.

Groaning her displeasure as Olivia removed her fingers, Alex replaced it with a groan of delight when Olivia settled on top of her and kissed her, letting the former ADA taste herself on the detective's mouth.

No words were spoken, both content exactly where they were to savour the moment of the afterglow as the minutes ticked by, embraced in each others arms.

Breast to breast.

Centre to centre.

Neither wanting this night to end. But luckily for both women, there was still a lot of night left.

Alex reached up and grazed the back of her knuckles down Olivia's cheek as they resumed lazily kissing each other.

The moment was broken by a sudden and sharp knock at the motel door.

Scrambling out of bed, only one thought going through Olivia's head: Protect Alex at all costs.

"Alex! Bathroom! Now!" Liv snatched up gun on the lamp table and clicked off the safety.

"Olivia!... OLIVIA!" Alex growled.

"WHAT?!" Liv hissed as she stalked over to the motel door, turning back around as a towelling robe was thrown at her head.

"YOU'RE NAKED!" Alex tried not to laugh due to the seriousness of the situation, and locked the bathroom as another loud knock at the motel door could be heard.

* * *

An abrupt knock at the door awoke Alex. She looked around to take in her surrounding. She wasn't in a motel bathroom, she was on her couch in her office at 1 Hogan.

"Coming!" Alex called out. As she stood up, the throbbing between her legs became abundantly apparent. 'Well, certainly not now! GOD! Why do people always fucking interrupt?!' she screamed in her mind as she squeezed her legs together to relieve some pressure.

At least it hadn't been a dream, it was a memory.

A very real memory that she could revisit.

A very real memory that she would revisit.

Often.

The rest of that night and next morning was just... bliss.

She would relive it in her mind again, and very soon.

Quickly straightening her clothes and running a hand through her hair, the ADA opened the door to the unwelcome intruder.

"Don? What is it? Is it Olivia?! Have they found her?!"

"They haven't found her yet, Alex. But I thought you needed to know, we know both she and Vanessa are alive," Donald Cragen explained.

Alex's brow creased, "How?"

"Lewis Williams made contact."


	10. Chapter 10

**_Tempus Fugit._ **

A Latin phrase first used by the Roman poet Virgil meaning  _'time flees'_ , but better known around the world today as  _'time flies'_.

Though it would be difficult to acertain anything related to time, when a woman is handcuffed to a chain on a wall in a dark cellar, with no windows and only a low watt lightbulb to brighten the room... and a woman on the other side of the room in the exact same predicament as the other.

Lewis Williams didn't care for actual time, they were just numbers on a clock face with pointy hands spinning around. Maybe if he'd invented time, he'd have been interested. But he hadn't, so he wasn't. Sure, there was daytime and nighttime, but for Lewis it was either time to eat, time to sleep, time for control, time for mind games, time to persuade, and time to punish.

Lewis Williams knew exactly what the time was right now.

It was time to punish someone for his mistake. The control had faltered and he wanted it back.

How could he have been so stupid as to injure himself, possibly leaving DNA behind?

He didn't care now though, he always got away with everything he did. Even when he was a little boy. He never broke the lamp, the cat did. He never set fire to the leaf pile, his best friend did. He never started the fight, the other kid did. It was always someone else that took the blame. Even when there wasn't anyone else to take the blame, he got away with it. His favourite quote as he grew older: 'Prove it'. When he knew things were getting closer to being proven, whatever the situation, he changed the rules to suit himself and his agenda. And then there were those who tried to control the situation and him, like the mother of his girlfriend 15 years ago.

Interfering bitch.

He was always in control of every situation. Always thinking ahead for all possible outcomes for all situations. He had to be in control. He craved control. It gave him so much pleasure when they gave over their control so willingly. When he wasn't given control freely, he did anything he could to be given it, including torture. He never saw it as stealing control, stealing was very wrong, but doing anything in his means possible to given it willingly.

A reward.

A gift.

After it was given, well... the possibilities were endless.

 _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_ they snivel.

Anything was right.

They never want to die, no-one does. Unfortunately sometimes... accidents happen. But there was always another to take it's place.

They usually relented quickly with the threat of death, though. Sometimes it took more... persuasion.

A punch to the face.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The tearing of hair.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The slicing of skin.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The burning of flesh.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The squeezing of throats.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

The removal of clothes.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

A kick to the thighs, or even the crotch.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

But with the possession of a gun, it was even more thrilling. And now with an NYPD Officer's weapon, well that's just icing on the cake.

He glanced down at the photos he'd taken after they arrived, a some several hours ago.

Having that stupid fucking lawyer and nosy bitch detective under the house was definitely a high, like a drug. No-one knew where they were, no-one would suspect. The red head's face was all bloodied from the punch, and the brunette was passed out from the drugged water. Those dumb cops would be looking around Worcester, Massachusetts as soon as his first envelope arrived. He walked over to the crisp new map on the wall, pushed a coloured pin board tack into that location, then studied it carefully. It covered from New York State though to Maine. His brain worked overtime. Where could he send these new photos from? He could never send them from the same location twice. He snorted a laugh when his eyes landed on Lewiston, Maine. That amused him greatly, but no, he couldn't send the photos from there. Too close from his current location. Maybe later? Maybe he could go for a nice drive to Rochester, New Hampshire and make those cops think he's travelling in that direction. It would also give those bitches in the cellar some time to reflect... after one of them was punished.

Pausing a moment to dig around for a cigarette lighter in the kitchen drawer, he figured the lawyer would crumble first. Easy, weak target. New born lamb. He overpowered her so simply after she paid his bail. Not so easy was the detective. He's have to keep her under lock and key at all times. He would have fun with the detective after all the 'hypotheticals' he'd told her. The real question was: would the detective try and play the superhero and offer herself in place of the weakling? It was a possibility, but either way he'd be punishing someone.

Flicking the spark wheel, he watched the flame dance before his eyes for a few seconds then extinguished it. The Boy Scouts motto is 'Be Prepared', after all.

Gun? Check.

Cuff keys? Check.

Lighter? Check.

Cigarettes? Check.

That'll do for a start, he thought. A cruel smile curled at the corners of his mouth.

"Fun times ahead."

* * *

Olivia and Vanessa whipped their heads around when the sound of the bolt being slid open broke the current prolonged silence, with each woman having been lost in their own thoughts again. It had been a little different some time earlier...

"You know, we wouldn't be here if you'd done your job correctly and got better evidence against him, Detective!" Vanessa snarked, tugging weakly at the antique handcuffs.

"Hey, he's  _YOUR_  client!  _YOU_  got bail approved and  _YOU_  paid it yourself! Also if you've already forgotten, let me refresh your memory: he's done this sort of thing  _BEFORE_! A few times actually! The evidence was good! And there was enough to convict! He'd be rotting in Rikers by now!" Olivia spat back, mentally adding 'Especially if Alex had been the one nailing his ass to the wall.'

****Silence****

"It's my fault, Detective. I believed him when he said he was innocent, when he said your squad was out to get him. That _YOU_  were out to get him. Everyone has the presumption to innocence until proven guilty," Vanessa's voice faltered, fighting back the tears.

"You're right, innocent until proven guilty. But no, it's  _not your_  fault. It's  _HIS_  fault. I'm really sorry, Vanessa. I shouldn't have taken my frustrations out on you. And you can call me Olivia."

"Ok... Umm, do you think... he's going to do... to us... like what he did to all the others?"

Olivia's mind screamed 'Yes', but responded with, "Let's hope not."

****Silence****

"Umm Olivia... can you... god, this is so embarrassing..."

"What's wrong? You won't embarrass yourself."

"Could you... look away... and count aloud to 30 or something? I gotta pee! I'm not sure if I can go with an audience."

Olivia sighed, tilted her head back to rest against the wall and focused on the ceiling, "One... two... three... four... five..."

****Silence****

"Vanessa? Would anyone realise you're missing? Friends? Your partner?"

"No. My parents are in Ohio, and haven't been in a relationship for 6 months... Oh, God! No-one knows!"

"They'll know. The NYPD will be looking for us. I heard the sirens when Lewis put me in the trunk when you were passed out," Olivia recalled. Alex had been so near then, but who knows how far away she was now? Were they really in Maine? At least Liv protected the woman she loved from the Beast, when she cryptically sent her to contact Cragen. Alex was safe, and that's all Olivia needed to know.

****Silence****

"Do you want me to look away and count to 30 while you go?"

"Sure, if that'll make you more comfortable. It's not as if either of us has the luxury of privacy right now," Olivia said to the redhead.

"One... two... three... four... five..."

****Silence****

"Did he really shoot your boyfriend?"

It was the first time Olivia had really reflected on what had occurred in her apartment. Liv took a steadying breath, letting sudden tears fall silently before answering, "Ahh... yeah. He ahh... he shot and killed the guy I'd been seeing... in cold blood. Brian begged him... and he just... shot him. No remorse. I watched Brian bleed out... and take his last breath."

"I'm really sorry Brian was killed," Vanessa sympathised.

"Me too," murmured Olivia.

****Silence****

"Olivia, sorry if this sounds a bit harsh... maybe it's because what's happened to us, but... you don't seem too distraught. I'd be inconsolable if someone I loved was killed in front of me."

"We'd just broken up... but... he didn't deserve to die. He was a good guy," Olivia responded, wiping away a tear sliding down her cheek that was immediately replaced by another. Tears shed for a friend, a fellow colleague, a fallen brother in blue. What Vanessa said was absolutely right though, she had been inconsolable when Alex 'died'. The break down during the drive home with Cragen opened the flood gates, but after Olivia was shown that Alex had entered WPP those few days later, whilst upsetting, Alex was alive and that's all that mattered to the brunette. She shuddered to think if it had been Alex that had been killed by Lewis Williams.

"You weren't in love with Brian, were you?"

"I cared for him, and I thought I might love him. But no, I wasn't in love with him. I'm in love with someone else... have been  _in love_  with someone else for a  _very_  long time. I  _finally_  worked up the courage to see if we could be together only days ago... and now all  _this shit_  happened." Olivia responded, adding barely above a whisper, "I... I've never even said 'I love you'."

****Silence****

"How long?"

"Huh?"

"How long have you been in love with this someone else?" If Vanessa had noticed the lack of specifying a gender, she never said anything.

"Over a decade." Olivia knew exactly how long, since mid September 2000 when a young fresh faced ADA was assigned after the Morris Commission.

"Wow! That's a long time to be in love with someone and not do anything."

"Well, there've been a few... complications... along the way, and both of us broke a promise we  _each_  made to one another," Olivia said, listing a few of the complications in her head: Wit Sec, Robert Shelton, Alex's issues, International Criminal Court. Liv didn't list her own contributing complications, she already knew what part they'd played in breaking her  _own_  promise she made to Alex that night at the motel, before they fell asleep. Both she and Alex had discussed these issues and the broken promise they made to the other, sometimes very heatedly after Alex returned to replace Kim Greylek. Blazing rows for some would be a better description. Thankfully they had since apologised profusely for breaking their respective promise and slowly made amends with the dinner get-togethers after Alex's ICC tenure, eventually returning to their comfortable flirting stage.

****Silence****

Olivia and Vanessa whipped their heads around when the sound of the bolt being slid open was heard. Lewis walked in with a breakfast tray of food, juice and tacky little vase with a plastic flower poking out. The smell of buttery cinnamon toast and crispy bacon wafted around the room. A small jug of warmed maple syrup on the side completed the meal. Neither woman had eaten since before they'd been taken and their stomachs reminded them of the fact.

"You ladies hungry? I would be an inconsiderate host if I didn't feed you," Lewis said with a hint of sarcasm, as he placed the tray on the ground and left the room again.

Draining the mug of coffee he'd made for himself after his own meal, Lewis looked at the small bottle of clear fluid. Liquid GHB was much easier to mask in the sweet maple syrup due to its sodium content than Rohypnol. He was certain they'd avoid the juice, that would be an obvious way to drug someone after the initial drugging of the detective.

Returning, he saw Olivia's eyelids getting heavy again, but Vanessa had only eaten the toast and bacon. As predicted, the juice was untouched.

"Time to separate the two of you for a while," he crouched down and whispered to Olivia, stroking her cheek. She moaned a small protest, pulling away as best she could.

"Don't hurt us, Lewis! I'll do anything! Anything at all, just don't hurt us, please!" Vanessa cried from across the room.

Those words.

Change of plan.

A salacious smile curled his lips.

A beautiful gift to good to refuse.

"Begging just like all the others, Vanessa! Such a good girl!" he cooed softly, unlocking the cuff attached to the chain and dragging the young defense lawyer out of the cellar by her hair.

As Olivia struggled desperately to stay awake again, the current prolonged silence was broken with the screams of unbridled terror from elsewhere in the cabin.

* * *

Don Cragen had phoned Major Case and CSU immediately upon laying eyes on the photographs from the blue square envelope. After he personally told the ADA at her office, the SVU Captain refused point blank to let Alex see the photo of Olivia when she demanded it, he knew no good would come of it. The fear in Olivia's eyes was too much for him to bear himself. He knew Alex was already walking a tightrope of emotions with Olivia's disappearance, he didn't want to be the one to upset her any further. Don knew Alex wasn't the only walking a similar tightrope: the alcoholic demons that he fought everyday were awakening.

"Alex, I know Olivia means a lot to all of us... to  _both_  of us. If you need to talk about anything, anything at all... I'm here to listen any time, day or night." Don said, putting extra emphasis on the word 'both'.

Don took Alex's silent nod of acceptance to the offer for what it was. He wasn't sure Alex was aware how much Olivia had spoken to him over the years, but maybe when she was ready, Alex would open up too.

NYPD Major Case and the local Worcester Law Enforcments were already descending on Massachusetts city looking for the trio. Olivia and Vanessa were alive, that was most important of all.

How little did they know that the game of cat and mouse and only just begun.

* * *

The following afternoon, Thursday, Alex found herself at the same hospital Brian Cassidy, assisting her Homicide detectives to compel a reluctant witness to give evidence. She had heard Brian had been in intensive care since everything started on Monday evening on May 20. Wondering if she could find out any information about Brian's current condition, she made her way down the ICU nurses station. Did she want to know how Brian was for Olivia's sake? Perhaps Brian had saved Olivia's life? Maybe it was to ease Alex's own conscious? Debating internally over why she needed to see him as she approached the nurses station, a tap on shoulder brought her back to reality.

"Excuse me? You're Alex Cabot, right?" the man with a charming boyish smile asked.

Alex scrutinised the man carefully, but said nothing. He looked and sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't place him. The icy look he received from the ADA made him hastily continue, "Sorry, I just kinda recognise you from the photos Benson showed us at the early bird dinner with Mom recently. I'm Detective Joe Dumas from Brooklyn, but you can call me 'Doom' if you'd like, or Joe. I'm Brian's brother."

She tried not to show her surprise when she extended her hand to shake his, "Yes, l'm Alex Cabot. I'm sorry, but I wasn't aware Brian has a brother."

"Well, half brother actually. Bri's just over a year older than me. We're not overly close now, but we don't hate each other either. We're just very different people that happen to share the same Mom. But I wouldn't expect Benson to bore you with details like that," Joe explained.

"I'm really sorry about what happened to Brian. How he is?"

"Would like to go for coffee with me?" Joe pointed to the direction of the hospital café with another charming smile, completely ignoring Alex's question.

Alex shot Joe an incredulous look. Was he actually trying to pick her up, while his brother was in the hospital and Olivia was missing?!

Joe grinned, "Hey, Benson's right! You really _do_  have a glare that would make grown men piss themselves!"

That was three times in less than a minute that Joe mentioned Olivia talking about her, Alex noticed. The again, she always took extra notice when the name 'Olivia' or 'Benson' was spoken. Just how much did Olivia talk about the blonde ADA in front of Brian and Joe?!

"I'm asking you to have coffee so we can talk somewhere else, 'cause I hate hospitals. What? You think I'm trying to hook up with you?! Geez, I'm not Bri!" Joe laughed. "Don't get me wrong Cabot. You're a very beautiful and attractive woman, but you're not my type..." he leant in close and added quietly, "You don't have a penis."

He gave her a wink, then headed towards the café, "Coffee! My shout!"

* * *

"I've heard the rumours swirling 'round, courtesy of that asshole Tucker, saying Benson did that to Bri. I want you to know, Mom and I don't believe for a second that she did this. Benson's a good cop. I don't know what bug crawled up Tucker's ass, but it's been there a long time," Joe sipped his coffee.

"How is Brian?" Alex asked hesitantly.

"Not good. Mom's really struggled and waited for me 'cause I was undercover."

Alex shot him a quizzical look.

"You don't know? I'm Bri's other medical proxy. We're each others, actually. Bri's been without oxygen took long, and Mom couldn't bring herself to make the decision alone. He's been unresponsive since he arrived..." Joe took a deep breath, "Mom and I have decided to donate all viable organs and tissues of Bri's to help as many other people as possible. It's what Bri would want. He'd never want to be a burden. It's the same decision I'd want Bri to make for me, if the situation was reversed. The neurologist will be doing final tests are later tonight, but Mom and I already know what the results will be."

"I'm really sorry -"

"It's ok, Cabot. As cops, we know everyday we walk out that door, we mightn't come home. But everyday we walk out that door, we try and make the city a safer place, and help as many people as we can. It's one of the reasons we become cops. I'm sure Benson would've told you. The real question is: How are  _you_  holding up?"

"I'm fine," Alex replied automatically.

"Geez, Cabot! I might be gay, but I'm not blind, and I only met you a short while ago! Look, I don't wanna be stepping outta line here, but I know I'm right in saying that she's in love with you... and you're in love with her. You're eyes light up each time I've said 'Benson'... yep, you just did it again. I didn't get my gold shield for nothing! She did the exact same thing when she talked about you during dinner with Mom, which was a lot! I'm not even sure she was aware she was doing it. It's the exact same thing Bri did when he was with Clarissa. I know Bri loved Benson but he wasn't  _in love_  with her, if y'know what I mean. I can also see the pain in your eyes with Benson's disappearance. You're heartbroken."

Neither confirming, nor denying what Joe had just said, Alex could only respond while trying to control her emotions, "I just feel so hopeless. Knowing Olivia's out there... somewhere... and I can't help her. If only I'd-"

"Stop that right now! If you'd done  _anything_  differently, the outcome could have been the same, but with you in place of Bri or Benson. Let the NYPD do their jobs, and you be there for her. Not _if_  they find her, but  _when_ they find her. Here's my card with my details. If you need a someone to talk to, I'm happy to listen. No judgement. Oh, and if y'know of any single guys... you make sure to pass that card along!" Joe grinned.

Alex had the decency to blush and offer a humble apology to Joe for assuming he was trying to make a move earlier.

"Forget about it, Cabot. I'm not offended, I'm flattered." Joe checked his watch, "Sorry to do this, but I have to go start making arrangements with Mom. Bri's wishes are to be cremated and for a small private service for the family, with a service a few days later for his police family. I'd appreciate it if you attended. I know Mom will too," smiled Joe.

"I'll go," Alex nodded.

As Joe stood up to leave Alex called out, "Hey Joe? What photos did Liv show you of the two of us?"

"Actually she showed us heaps. But the ones that stick in my mind the most are the two of you at the Rockerfeller Centre in front of the Christmas Tree and the Ice Rink for one of your  _dates_ ," he winked.

A melancholy smile rested on Alex's lips. One of her favourite dinner dates.

* * *

Alex looked around the room at the Memorial Service for Brian Cassidy at the funeral home. Every member of the NYPD in attendance and the SVU squad were in their dress blues, with one person noticeably absent. While perusing the service card before the ceremony began, a small phrase stood out from under the usual 'In Memoriam' phrase.

**_Momento Mori._ **

A Latin phrase meaning  _'Remember you will die',_  but better known in the world today as _'A reminder of death or mortality'._

Two additional envelopes had now been received: one from Rochester, New Hampshire and the most recent one arrived earlier today with a post mark from Montpelier, Vermont.

It was certainly one of the worst days in ADA's life, and didn't expect to be attending a memorial service.

Today was 31st May: Alex Cabot's birthday. Sadly, there was no reason to celebrate this year.

Brian Cassidy was dead, and Olivia Benson had been missing now for 11 days.

* * *

 **End Note:** Detective Joe 'Doom' Dumas is played by Scott William Winters is the younger brother of Dean Winters. Joe Dumas has appeared in eps: 'Lost Travellers' and 'Undercover Blue'. Sorry if he seems a little random in the story, but my muse hasn't decided if I'm going to use him or Cragen as conduits to help establish some background info between Alex  & Olivia and why some things did and didn't happen ;-). So introducing him now is easier, but I'm leaning towards Cragen. I just can't see myself using other SVU characters for this :-)

 **End Note 2** : Yeah yeah, I know. You wanted more about THAT night. Just trust me ;-).


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess you're wondering about the rest of THAT night from chapter 9 seeing I said Alex would revisit it, and the broken promises that have been hinted at... well, read on! Again, I make NO apologies WHATSOEVER for the length nor M rating of this chapter for the lady loving ;-).

**_Nous promettons selon nos espérances, et nous tenons selon nos craintes.~ François de La Rochefoucauld_ **

After the Memorial service for Brian Cassidy had ended, Captain Cragen watched Alex Cabot quietly slip out the door. He was disappointed he hadn't been able to see how the ADA was coping now before she left, particularly after he had briefly informed her of the latest photos prior to the service. The Captain's attention was drawn away from interaction of Rafael Barba offering his condolences to Joe Dumas and his mother, by Odafin Tutuola and Amanda Rollins needing to attend a call out. Since Olivia's disappearance 11 days ago, Nick Amaro was now partnered with John Munch. Amaro was happy to leave when Cragen and Munch indicated they should return to the 1-6, Nick never liked Brian to begin with. But he had a begrudging respect for the fallen officer - Nick didn't like how Brian did it, but it was because of Brian that Nick discovered he'd fathered a son, Gil.

Cragen sat down at his desk, loosening his dress tie, his eyes sliding automatically to the bottom desk drawer. No, Don chastised himself.

_Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,_   
_The courage to change the things I can,_   
_And wisdom to know the difference._

He had to keep occupied and not give in to temptation. Even if it was something mundane as paperwork. Sorting through and signing off on recent DD5's, he came across an incomplete file.

"Anyone seen the rest of the McMahon file?" Cragen called out from his doorway.

"That was mine and Olivia's case, what are you missing?" Nick replied.

"Just some follow up information to finish off a DD5," Don rummaged through some papers on Liv's desk.

Amaro hesitated before asking, "Hey Cap? I don't wanna speak out of turn here... but... what do we about... Olivia's desk?"

The Captain looked Amaro in the eye, his tone meaning the answer was not up for discussion, "This _isn't_  like when Stabler retired. We keep it  _exactly_  as it is until Benson's found. Got it?"

Opening the desk drawer, Don found the paperwork he was looking for. As he removed the papers, he uncovered an envelope addressed to Alex and small flat square box wrapped in birthday paper. Cragen peered at the small desk calendar closely, and saw today's date, May 31st, circled with a small notation in Olivia's handwriting:  _Alex's B'day._

Shit.

With everything that had occurred in recent days, he'd completely forgotten about Olivia putting the gift there.

"John, you're in charge until I get back," stated the Captain, grabbing the envelope and small box from the drawer, putting the paperwork on his desk, then headed for the elevators.

* * *

"How can I help you?" the woman at the counter asked.

"I'd like a bunch of flowers in a vase that have a significant meaning, but I'm not sure what flowers they would be," Don said. He remembered Marge always saying that certain flowers and quantities of flowers meant certain things.

The florist nodded, "And what meaning are you trying to convey?"

When Don told the florist, she smiled "I know exactly what you need."

* * *

Having already checked with Alex's secretary to see if she was in her office or not, Don knocked Alex's apartment door and heard the chain on the door being slid off after a few moments.

"I know what you're going to ask Alex, and no, we don't have any more information. I really wish I did though," Don said before Alex could ask. "What I  _do_  know is that it's your birthday today. I really hoped I could wish you a happier birthday than what it's been."

"Thankyou," Alex said quietly, allowing Don inside then shut the door.

"I won't stay long, Alex. I wouldn't want to overstay my welcome. These are for you," Don handed over the vase full of small colourful yellow, orange, pink and red blooms. While Alex set the vase down on the bench, Don took the box and card out of his inside breast pocket, "And these are from Olivia."

Turning slowly, Alex looked over at Don, taking the box and card into her hands, "When did Olivia give these to you?"

"I saw Liv put the box and card in her desk drawer before she and Amanda went to see Melinda last Saturday for the results of Alice Parker. I found them this afternoon while I was looking for a file at her desk. I'm positive Olivia would want you to receive these today."

Last Saturday, the day after they kissed at the Whitney.

The ADA removed the card from the envelope. The card was a simple, yet elegant with 'Happy Birthday' on the front in gold calligraphy, with an embossed floral border. Inside a note written by the missing detective.

_Alex,_  
We promise according to our hopes, and we want according to our fears. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld  
Love, Olivia

Tears threatened to fall as Alex read the meaningful quote.

Opening the the small flat square box, inside lay a lavender satin pouch. Untying the ribbon, Alex let the contents slide into the palm of her hand. A smile ghosted over Alex's lips, instantly recognising the gift.

"Isn't that Olivia's?" asked Cragen.

"Yes, it is. I only ever saw her wearing it once... when I came back to testify against Liam Connors. Olivia wanted me to have it when I went back into Wit Sec, but I couldn't take it because the US Marshals would've confiscated it. They'd class it as 'easily identifiable'. Liv said she'd give it to me if and when I eventually came back... but, I broke a promise to her... and she broke a promise to me... so our relationship was extremely strained when I returned to replace Kim Greylek... because of those broken promises," Alex relayed to Don as she ran her finger over the delicate gold chain and small rectangular plaque. The quote in the card meant a lot, but was even more profound at this moment in time.

"I remember Olivia wearing that for a short while, then she started wearing the Fearlessness pendant that was exactly the same. She never did say what the inscription said, and I never took the time to ask her," Don commented, knowing full well that Olivia was the one that spent the night with Alex in the motel room.

"Abhaya... it's Fearlessness in Sanskrit," Alex replied quietly.

Don took a few moments for that tidbit of information to sink in. "So Liv kept  _this_  one for you, and had the other that read Fearlessness in English for herself she wore for years with the round pendant... until Brian bought the new tag pedant?"

Nodding yes, Alex continued to focus on the chain. "Olivia wanted to wear the both of them. I mean alternate wearing them from time to time with her Lotus Mandala pendant, but told me that... Brian... didn't really want her wearing her old necklaces when he bought the new one. She wore it by itself to appease him. A new chain for a new start, or something along those lines. But Olivia loved her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala necklaces the most, due to the simplicity of them. Those 2 necklaces  _are_  Olivia."

Don tried his utmost to suppress a smile while thinking, 'Alex and Olivia with matching necklaces again. Perhaps they were starting to get close?'

"Well, I'm certain Olivia would want you to be wearing this right now," Cragen took the chain from Alex's hand, unclipped the clasp and indicated for her to turn around, "Whatever your broken promise was to her, Olivia has obviously forgiven you for it."

"We forgave each other fully when I came back from my International Criminal Court tenure before Elliott retired, and slowly mended our relationship because of a few other hurdles and miscommunications between us when I replaced Greylek," Alex moved her hair to the side and allowed Don to put the necklace on her. As soon as the cool precious metal rested around her neck, the ADA felt closer to Olivia... wherever she was right now.

The SVU Captain wanted to ask what the broken promises were, but knew if he asked Alex outright, she would clam up instantly like Olivia would. He was surprised Alex had opened up as much as she had, but decided not to press any further. Cragen figured Alex would talk when she was ready.

"Alex, I have a good idea what your birthday wish is... it's my wish as well. Everyone at SVU's wish too," Cragen gave the blonde a fatherly hug. "I'd better get back to the precinct, wouldn't want Munch thinking he can be in charge too long. My offer still stand if you need to talk about anything." Turning to leave, he added, "Before I forget, those flowers have a meaning you might want to look up, Alex. They're Mixed Zinnias."

Alex thanked Don for the short visit and closed the door. Walking her to her laptop, Alex typed 'Mixed Zinnia meaning' into the search engine. The result was instant:  _Mixed Zinnias - Thinking of an absent friend._

The blonde absentmindedly played with the rectangular plaque sitting at the base of her throat as she carried the vase of flowers through to her bedroom. She picked up a photo frame off the bedside cabinet and set the vase down in its place. Laying down on her bed, Alex staring at the photo in her hand. A photo of herself and Olivia at the Rockerfeller Centre Ice Rink stared back. The same photo on Olivia's phone, the same photo as Joe Dumas had mentioned. Olivia's warm brown eyes twinkling back at her through the thin pane of glass, as tears suddenly slid from her own. Hugging the photo frame to her chest, Alex remembered back to more of the night in the motel room...

* * *

Tying the belt of her own towelling robe tightly, Alex pressed her ear to the door, straining to hear who Olivia was talking to at the motel door. She was still trying desperately not to laugh at the thought of Olivia answering the door stark naked with her gun at the ready.

"Where is she?"

Alex recognised the voice instantly and rolled her eyes. Of all the people to interrupt. The faster this was dealt with, the faster it would end, and faster they could return to what they had been doing.

"She's in the bathroom."

"I need to talk to her."

"Well, you'll just have to wait until she's finished!" Olivia's tone clearly unimpressed.

Alex threw the bathroom door open, thoroughly annoyed at being disturbed right now. "What do you want, Jack? As Detective Benson informed you, I was in the bathroom!"

"Riiight," Jack Hammond toed the black bra on the ground next to him, and made a show of looking at the other pieces of clothes scattered around the floor of the room. The women in matching towelling robes and ice cold glares said nothing. "Bill Harriman has requested to see you tomorrow night, seeing he's aware of your return. I just thought I'd let you know tonight and not spring it on you tomorrow morning before court."

"Uncle Bill? Did he say why?" Alex crossed her arms. This conversation would have  _much_  been better before court tomorrow.

"He said something about your mother's estate and her last wishes, but wants to speak to you personally."

"I won't even get the opportunity to see her grave while I'm here," Alex muttered darkly under her breath. "Ok, fine! Tomorrow night. Which motel am I staying in?"

Jack Hammond smirked, "Nice try, Alex. You know I'll escort you to your new motel room after court tomorrow. I'll let you get back to your...  _bathroom?_... Is that what you ladies call it these days?"

Before closing the motel room door, Jack called out over his shoulder, "Sorry to have interrupted. You might want to put the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle before you lock the door, Detective."

"I can't believe you were going to answer the door naked!" chuckled Alex, as Olivia stalked back from putting the sign on the handle, then slamming and locking the door, and flicking the light switch off.

"Well I  _have_  to protect you and keep you safe, Alex! Clothes were the least of my worries at that moment," Liv put her gun back on the lamp table.

"I always feel safe with you, Liv. I always have," Alex replied honestly.

Turning back around to walk back over to the blonde, Olivia gave a lop sided grin, easily slipping back to playful flirting mode. "What I can't believe is Alex Cabot a tattoo... and your abdomen is an erogenous zone."

"Well... the tattoo was a 16 year old Alexandra Cabot's decision to be a rebel or a misguided attempt to be all grown up, that I now have to live with... and surprisingly it's not an erogenous zone with men. Please don't ask me why, because I don't know! It's  _only_  with women. Are you telling me you don't have one, apart from the obvious ones?"

Olivia looked around the room, purposely avoiding eye contact with Alex, yet unable to avoid a huge grin.

The ex-ADA smiled wolfishly taking a step closer, "You do! Ooh, Olivia! I am going to have  _so_  much fun!"

"You'll never find it!" Olivia sing-songed the challenge as she took a step back, her legs hitting the edge of the bed.

"Perhaps... but I know we'll both enjoy me looking for it." Alex untied the knot of the belt holding Olivia's robe closed, and parted the material open. Olivia reciprocated in kind as Alex cupped her ass, drawing the detective closer and kneading the pliant flesh. Mouths and tounges gently coming together to reacquaint themselves. Olivia rested a hand on Alex's waist and stroked her abdomen with her thumb, but Alex reluctantly clamped her hand on the wandering hand.

"Nuh-uh.  _My_  turn to be the detective, _Detective_."

Alex playfully pushed Olivia slightly off balance, allowing Liv to sit back down on the edge of the bed then scoot back towards the centre, both women removing their robes.

Liv lay back and rested up on her elbows, letting her legs fall open, whilst never breaking eye contact with the blonde slowly working her way up the tanned body of the detective. Eyes darkening more with each display of desire.

A kiss to the ankle.

A lick to the calf.

A kiss to the knee.

A lick to the inner thigh.

A long stream of air to Olivia's moisture slick centre.

A lick from the navel to the valley of her breasts.

A heated kiss to the mouth as Alex straddled her hips, pinching and rolling a dark nipple between thumb and fingers.

Lavishing attention on the other nipple with her mouth, Alex lightly tugged the nub with her teeth, then soothing it with her tongue.

" _Obviously_  not there," said Alex with a naughty wink.

"Alex," Olivia raised an eyebrow, trying to steady her breath.

She unconsciously shivered in anticipation when Alex replied in a husky voice, "Patience is a virtue, Olivia."

Sliding back down the older woman's body, Alex waited until Olivia was paying full attention to her, as she caressed Liv's outer thighs, then interlocked their hands and fingers to maintain the level of intimacy established earlier. Laving her tongue through wet folds, Alex relished her first taste of Olivia Benson. Swirling and pressing her tongue inside Liv's opening before listening to noises of aroused delight falling from the detective's mouth, as the blonde paid particular attention to Olivia's clit.

Suddenly, pulled Alex back. "No, not there either. That's  _too_  obvious," she said nonchalantly.

"ALEX!" Olivia cried, clearly exasperated to be guided to the edge and apparently left hanging.

The younger woman chuckled devilishly, crawling up Liv's body to share the brunette's arousal in a long, sensual kiss.

Reluctantly breaking the kiss with heavy panting, Olivia arched her head to the side exposing the column of her neck to help things along.

Alex lay a trail of kisses on her neck nearing Liv's ear, suddenly hearing the telltale groan of pleasure from Olivia. The blonde kissed it again to make sure, another pleasured groan was the response.

"Found it," Alex smiled against the spot on Olivia's neck as she slid two fingers inside the brunette's core. The sudden, yet very welcome intrusion overwhelming Olivia, her elbows giving way and collapsing back on the bed. Alex slowly began pumping the fingers buried within, her thumb settling into an easy circular pattern over the brunette's bundle of nerves. The blonde's tongue mimicking her fingers after recapturing the detective's warm mouth, swallowing Olivia's sudden cry when her orgasm finally peaked. Alex slowed her movements down to extend Olivia's pleasure for as long as could take, halting completely when Olivia placed a hand over the wrist of Alex's buried hand, removing them gently when brunette nodded her approval. Alex offered both digits to Olivia to suckle clean, not before licking one herself, then sharing a slow kiss. As she settled on top of the detective, she reached down to pull up the the duvet, haphazardly covering their lower halves.

Smiling at each other, Alex brushed Olivia's hair back off her forehead to study the brunette's face intimately. Plotting every tiny crease and freckle to memory with the tips of her fingers, before pressing her lips to the scar above the detective's right eyebrow. She didn't need to ask how Olivia got that, she was already aware how that occurred in her childhood years.

"Your hair's getting longer," Alex voiced her earlier observation.

Olivia played with the ends of the blonde's own that framed her face, "So's yours."

"Well I had to grow out my bangs to change my appearance ... not that I objected greatly."

"Mine was a bit longer before you were assigned to SVU though, and darker."

"I saw how long it was in the photograph that's on your desk, Liv. But I have to admit, I like it shorter on you. It really defines your cheek bones, and your jawline," Alex replied, stroking her fingers on Olivia's facial parts when she said them.

"I could say the same with you and black framed glasses."

Alex smiled at the compliment.

"This is new," Alex played with the gold chain and rectangular plaque resting around Olivia's neck, "What's the inscription?"

"It's the word Fearlessness in Sanskrit... Abhaya," Olivia explained as she lazily trailed her hand up and down Alex's spine.

"I like it. It's so...  _you_."

"I bought it after you went away. Here, I want you to have it. I can get another for myself," Olivia reached her hands up to unclasp it from her neck.

Alex sighed heavily, "I can't. The Marshals won't let me wear much jewellery in case it can be identified. They won't let me wear my simple necklace... you know, the one we both bought. I miss wearing that necklace. I can't even wear earrings unless they've approved them!"

"How about this... I'll keep  _this_  necklace for you. I'll let you have it  _when_  you return," Olivia covered Alex's hand that rested on the plaque with her own, entwining their fingers easily.

" _If_  I can return," rebutted the ex-ADA.

"If  _and_  when you return. I don't care how long it takes, and if either of us is in a relationship or whatever the circumstances, Alex...  _promise_  me as soon as you're out of Wit Sec, you'll let me know. I  _need_  to know." Olivia pleaded.

"But what if you're no longer here in New York? It could be  _years_  before I return. I don't want to make a promise I can't keep."

"I'll always be here, Alex. I'll never leave, I _promise_  you. I'll  _always_  be in apartment 4D, here in Manhattan, and I'll  _never_  leave SVU. All 3 of them are my home. Even if I _did_ , I'd certainly leave a forwarding address for you with my super, Fred."

"Fred? Fred Dawson?! He's  _still_  your super?"

"Uh-huh. Or I'd leave an address with Elliott. You and I both know I'll  _always_  be his partner. No-one else would put up with his macho aggressive shit. Not even Kathy now."

"Elliott and Kathy split?!"

"Separated a few months ago."

"Wow. I would never have thought that would happen."

"Neither did I. I hope they get back together, they're a wonderful loving couple with great kids. They've been in love for so long, I hope the can eventually find their way back to each other."

Alex chewed her bottom lip as she weighed up Olivia's suggestions, then made her decision, "Ok."

"Ok, what?"

"Ok Olivia, I promise."

The brunette captured the lips of the younger woman in a soft kiss, "I promise too, Alex."

Rolling off the detective, Alex lay down on her side next to Olivia. In contented quiet, the women stayed lying there, foreheads touching while languidly and thoroughly mapping each others body with their hands, sharing several long, slow kisses. Olivia could see Alex's eyelids getting progressively heavier, and when she stifled a yawn, Liv indicated for her to roll over so she could spoon protectively from behind but still have a clear view of the motel door, before switching the bedside lamp off. As she snaked her arm around Alex's waist, the blonde guided Olivia's hand to cup her left breast over her heart and placed her own hand on top to keep it there.

"Olivia... Happy Valentines Day," Alex glanced back over her shoulder.

"Alex, that was 2 days ago. Today's the 16th of February... but regardless... Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart." Olivia pressed a kiss to the ball of Alex's right shoulder then snuggled closer, her breasts pressing comfortably on Alex's back.

Alex knew she had never felt more safe in her entire life, as she did at that exact moment in time.

That was the last thing Alex remembered as her eyes eventually succumbed to darkness...

* * *

Alex's eyes slowly drifted back into focus, taking in the surroundings of her own bedroom. One hand still clutching the photo frame to her chest, the other buried in wet folds between her legs. She never did remember her hand snaking beneath her yoga pants and panties, but every time Alex remembered that night, the result was always the same. At least this time, no-one interrupted her remembering that evening this time.

After washing her hands in the bathroom, she rummaging in the bedside drawer, her hand clasped around a box of matches. Striking the match, Alex watched the flame flicker before her eyes for a few moments then lit the sandalwood scented candle on the bedside cabinet, allowing the aroma to fill the room. Sitting on the edge of her bed, she placed the photo frame on her lap and stared at Olivia's image again, tears freely sliding down her cheeks and splashing on the thin pane of glass while replaying Olivia's words regarding the Stablers' over and over in her head, toying with the gold chain around her neck.

"Wherever you are Olivia... I want you to know... I  _need_  you to know... that my birthday wish... and everyone else's... is to have you found as soon as possible... alive and well. I love you...  _so much_... and right now... it really hurts to admit... that I've never had the courage... to tell you that. I wish and hope... that I get to say those words to you sooner... rather than later... or never at all."

* * *

Consciousness came slowly to Olivia, having now been drugged twice in recent times. She slowly pieced together recent memories, but her brain was still very fuzzy.

Beginning the same ritual from last time, she checked herself and was shocked to find she was now dressed only in a thin strap tank top and boxer shorts. Olivia understandably felt quite violated at this discovery. She realised that the handcuffs that secured her to the wall had now swapped wrists, and once again she hurt all over. The handcuffs had left her wrist bruised and irritated. Sobs from across the darkened room stopped Olivia from surveying herself, to check on Vanessa's welfare.

"Vanessa, sweetie. Tell me what happened. What did he do?"

"He burned me... on my arms and legs... putting out cigarettes... and... he... raped me. After that... he said I was a good girl... for giving over control... and that a good host... wouldn't let guests wear dirty clothes... so he'd do laundry for his guests... and get more clothes for us later. He left me alone in a room... for a long time... and when he came back... he made me change. He brought me back here... and you were already... in those clothes."

Attempting to process what Vanessa had said, only one thing came to mind for Olivia due to her clothes being changed as well.

As if reading the detective's mind, Vanessa asked the question, "Did he... rape... you?"

Bottom lip trembling, trying her best to keep her emotions under control, the detective said 3 words she never thought would be an answer to that particular question if she was ever asked:

"I... don't... know."

* * *

**End Note:** If you get the feeling that I prefer Olivia with the 2 older necklaces over the new one, you're right ;-). I don't mind the newer one, it's a bit chunkier. But the 2 older ones ARE Olivia to me, just like Alex said. And yes, I know Olivia wears the FEARLESSNESS one in Ghost, not the Abhaya Sanskrit one. Let me have a morsel of creative liberty ;-)


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is much smaller than recent ones, but I want to focus an entire (upcoming) chapter to the Alex & Olivia back story & the broken promises fallout before the rescue, so that will make up for it. There will be flashbacks to certain episodes, so I want to keep it separate so as not to jump around too much and confuse readers. I will be introducing a couple of new additional characters from the town where Olivia, Vanessa and Lewis are in this chapter.

Olivia kept replaying everything over and over in her mind, but how do you deal with something if you're unsure if its actually occurred or not?  _'Mind Fuck, Maine'_  Vanessa had relayed what Lewis had said after the first time being drugged, and right now it was certainly living up to that title.

She survived what occurred in Sealview.

She survived what Lowell Harris did.

It took time, patience and therapy, but it was possible because she knew what happened.

But this, here and now... she didn't know. Was this a mind fuck?

She also wanted to help Vanessa, hug and comfort the sobbing woman. But all she could do was walk the length of 'her' wall in the cellar and use the toilet on 'her' side of the room. The small amount of slack the wall chain had allowed gave her an extra 1 or 2 feet clearance from off the wall towards the centre of the room, but that was all. The same went for Vanessa. All the SVU detective could do right now was offer words of comfort.

Today's date: unknown to the women in the cellar.

Days missing: unknown to the women in the cellar.

* * *

Vanessa had been hauled from the cellar some time earlier, but Olivia was thankful that she hadn't heard any screams from Vanessa after she was taken, because Lewis had returned shortly with a few items in his arms.

He was starting to get frustrated. He had threatened her, killed her super and even her boyfriend in front of her, but she hadn't easily caved like the others had. Perhaps a little persuasion was necessary.

He wanted to hear her say those words.  _'Please don't hurt me! I'll do anything you want!'_

"All you have to do is say the words, Detective... and I  _won't_  hurt you."

"What's to say you haven't already," said Olivia as she looked straight ahead. Her left eye swelling from a recent fist to the face, which resulted in the back of her head hitting the wall, allowing Lewis to get the upper hand. She was now tied to an uncomfortable low back wooden chair, her hands cuffed behind her back. "And you will hurt me... even if I  _do_  say what you want to hear... so I _won't_  waste my breath."

"All you have to do is...  _beg_  me. Just  _plead_... and I won't blemish that  _beautiful_  complexion of yours. Just say the words, and  _all_  this stops." Lewis Williams smirked.

"No."

The Beast threw a look over towards the small skillet frying pan sitting on the small camper cooker in the corner farthest away. Blue and orange flames licking the sides of the pan as it rapidly heated. He pulled something from his back pocket, snickered and tossed the item into the frying pan. It clunked heavily, echoing around the small room. Metal on metal.

He leant back against the wall studying the long brown haired woman before him as he waited a long time for the item to heat up. But she wasn't looking at him, she was focused on the camp cooker in the corner. Liv knew what Alice Parker had suffered with a wire coat hanger, and she knew what Vanessa had been through with cigarettes. She knew she was about to suffer a similar fate, but had no idea what that fate would include.

He walked back over to the detective, suddenly grabbed a fistful of hair, twirled it around his hand and yanked her head back, exposing her throat.

"SAY IT!" he snarled from above.

Olivia stayed silent, steadying her breathing, trying her best to stay calm.

Grabbing a pair of scissors from his other back pocket he sheared the handful off. He would keep it and send it to the NYPD with a new photo from a new location. Montpelier, Vermont was shaping up to be a new location, but perhaps throwing them for a huge loop and posting this envelope from Warwick, Rhode Island was certainly appealing to Lewis Williams this time.

After tucking the fistful of hair into a blue envelope, Lewis grabbed the bottle of opened water from Vanessa's side of the room, splashing a few drops in the skillet to see how hot it was. The water bubbled, sizzled and very evaporated quickly.

Perfect.

"NYPD Detective... badge number 4015. That's  _you_ , isn't it, Olivia Benson? Maybe we better make sure you  _never_...  _ever_... forget it? Hmm?" Lewis said over his shoulder loud enough for Olivia to hear, as he slipped on an oven mitt. He picked up the gold metal shield with a pair of cooking tongs then transferred it over to the oven mitt covered hand. He positioned the gold badge with the enamelled side face down, the reverse side of the badge facing up. Whilst he left Olivia's gun and handcuffs at crime scene in her apartment 4E, he'd discovered her badge in her pocket when he removed her suit pants when he first drugged her, and kept her badge along with Brian's badge, cuffs and gun. Lewis Williams had removed the gold shield from its leather surround casing before he came down to the dimly lit cellar with the camp cooker.

"Last chance, Detective Benson. Just say the words, and I promise that you won't end up like the others," he offered as he walked back over to Olivia.

"Never," Liv hissed through gritted teeth, bracing herself as best she could for what was about to happen, "I. Won't. Beg."

"Too bad." Lewis whispered from behind her as he pressed his oven mitt clad hand to her back and kept it there.

Olivia screamed in sheer agony as the heated metal instantly blistered and burned the flesh of her right shoulder blade, permanently branding her like cattle ranch livestock with her own badge.

* * *

Olivia was intermittently trickling the bottle of water over her right shoulder as best she could with her once again handcuffed left hand to soothe the raw, bleeding and throbbing skin. She'd tried with right hand but immediately regretted lifting her arm up, making the burn on her scapula hurt even more.

"I wish I could help you with that, Olivia" Vanessa said from across the room.

"I know. It's ok. Just keep talking so I can try and keep my mind off the pain. Tell me more about your family."

"Well... my Mom and Dad have been married for almost 40 years now, and they lived in the same house in New Jersey since they were married. They moved to Ohio last year to be closer to other family members. I have 2 older sisters, they're fraternal twins and they're both middle school teachers. I was the surprise baby 5 years later."

"Did you always want to be a lawyer?" Olivia queried, before inhaling a sharp breath through her teeth from the pain.

"Yeah, I don't remember wanting to be anything else. I was Captain of the Debate Team at high school. My grades were good enough to get an offer from Brown, which I gladly accepted. I don't know if still want to be one though,  _if_  we're ever found."

" _When_  we're found, Vanessa.  _When_." Olivia corrected, she needed to keep positive in this situation, even though the situation wasn't. "Perhaps you could become a prosecutor?"

"Maybe," Vanessa shrugged her shoulders noncommittally at the suggestion. "Who's Alec... or Alex?" she asked after a small silence.

Olivia looked over at the redhead, "Why do you ask that?"

"You were kinda mumbling something like that name while you slept last time. Is that the person you said you're in love with?"

"It's Alex. Alex is... everything. Strong, passionate, caring, articulate, compassionate, stubborn, smart, headstrong." Olivia gave a light breathy laugh, "Actually, I think Alex is a bit like me in some respects, particularly the stubborn and headstrong parts. Yeah, Alex is the one I've been in love with for years."

"This Alex sounds like a wonderful person then."

"She is." Olivia replied, then winced yet again in pain.

Vanessa didn't say anything regarding the confirmation to a gender. The defense lawyer just nodded her head and smiled sincerely in acceptance that the female detective was in love with a woman.

* * *

The woman with shoulder length curly brown hair standing behind the counter of the grocery store snorted as she read the magazine article,  _"Rizzoli and Isles: Is there Lesbian subtext between the main character of the hit TV show?"_

"Heck, I'm straight and married and I can see it!" she said aloud to no-one. Looking over at the clock, it was 6.50pm - nearly time to close the Winthrop General Store for the evening.

Just then a man with a charming smile hurried in, grabbing a trolley. "Sorry to disturb you. I won't be long. Just need to top up the pantry," he called out.

She watched him on the closed circuit monitor, tossing fruit, vegetables, tinned foods, food packets, bread, toilet paper in as quickly as he could.

As he eventually started to unpack the trolley at the counter, he mumbled, "Umm... my girlfriend... asked me to get her some... things."

"Things?"

"Things."

"Things like?" the cashier gently prompted.

"Things... Lady things."

"Oh, you mean, female sanitary products?"

"Yeah, those things," he blushed.

"Aisle 4."

He walked away, but came back again, clearly uncomfortable.

"I don't... know..."

"You don't know if she uses tampons or sanitary napkins?"

His eyes widened, "No!"

"Didn't she tell you?"

"No."

She took pity on the overwhelmed young man, "Well... how about this: you take one of each. And the product she doesn't use, as long as it's unopened you can bring back with the receipt and we can swap it for the other. Covers you from any wrath your girlfriend may give you."

"Thankyou... Heather," he studied the name tag and beamed a charming smile before returning to Aisle 4.

He returned with several boxes of both sanitary napkins and tampons. Heather tried not to laugh, she remembered her husband doing the exact same thing just after they were married. He vowed then and there never to do shopping again, because in his words he didn't like to think about that... lady stuff.

"Just passing through?" Heather asked as she scanned the groceries.

"Oh no, I have a place on the outskirts of Winthrop. Old family cabin I haven't seen in a long time."

"And you live with your girlfriend?"

"Yeah," he blushed again.

"Maybe she'll be kind enough to help you out, and she'll bring back whatever product she doesn't use."

"No, she'll stay at home... like most women she's chained to the kitchen sink." He laughed at his own private sick joke, then turned on the charm. "I apologise. I know I shouldn't say things like that. No, unfortunately she's agoraphobic. Sadly, she doesn't like to leave the house."

"Oh, I'm sorry I didn't realise. Well, just so you're aware, we do offer a free home delivery service in Winthrop if that helps you at all. I'm sorry but I don't know your name."

"Lucas... Lucas Wilkins. And I'll keep that home delivery offer in mind if I ever need it, Heather." Lewis Williams extended his hand, flashing a grin.

"Heather Zimmerley. Well Lucas, welcome back to Winthrop, Maine" she shook his hand.

As Lewis Williams carried his large box of groceries out, Heather shivered. The man had made her skin crawl, especially with that derogatory joke. It wasn't so much the joke itself, but the way he'd said it. Whist he seemed charming, her intuition said there was something else about him, she just didn't know what it was.

She looked around and saw Winthrop's Sheriff swagger in, "Evening, Sheriff Leonard."

"Oh please, Heather. I'm currently off duty, you're my oldest friend and I'm your sister-in-law," Melanie Leonard rolled her eyes. A tall woman with a shaggy blonde pixie cut and grey eyes.

"And where  _is_  my husband anyway? He's supposed to pick me up." Heather started emptying the cash register.

"Deputy Sheriff Bradley Zimmerley is doing paperwork, like a good little brother should," Mel laughed. "So I'm here to pick you up and take you to the station so you, me, Brad and Kel can have a kids free dinner. Well, so you and Brad can have a kids free dinner." Mel nodded her head towards the door, "Who was that leaving?"

"Said his name was Lucas Wilkins, and he's moved back to the outskirt of Winthrop."

Mel's brow furrowed as she voiced her thoughts aloud, "We've lived here all our lives and I've  _never_  heard that name before." She committed the name to memory, and would definitely check the name on the computer later.

"That's what I thought." Heather called over her shoulder as she began switching the lights off and locking up the store. "Hey, Mel? Don't tell Brad, but I think I'm pregnant again."

"Jesus! Does my brother get you pregnant just by  _looking_  at you or something?! When do you get time to have sex with 6 kids to look after?" Mel teased her best friend from childhood. "Are you trying to be the Duggars of Winthrop or something?"

"You be quiet now! I said I  _think_ , I'm a few days late." Heather chastised, as she and Mel made their way to the car. "Hey, how is Dr Kel Leonard enjoying being the new doctor of the new Medical Centre?"

"The wife is great! Kelly really loves it here in Winthrop."

* * *

Olivia was thankful that she hadn't been drugged in recent times. The large burn on her back wasn't nearly as tender now as it initially had been, but was slow to heal due to the size of the wound.

Lewis opened the cellar door and placed the trays food on the floor. Fresh fruit, granola bars and sealed bottled water. The women knew they were safe for a while, as this particular meal was becoming a regular constant. It seemed Lewis left them for what possibly could be a day or so, when this meal was served. He left the room and returned with a box of tampons and sanitary napkins for each woman, placing them quickly on each toilet cistern, not wanting to touch them any longer than necessary and left the women alone again.

As Olivia reached for her box of tampons, she now had a somewhat vague idea how long she and Vanessa had been incarcerated in the dimly lit cellar.

* * *

"Are you humming... the 'Mr Softee' song?!" Vanessa raised an eyebrow, munching on her granola bar.

Olivia couldn't help but smiled, "Yeah. I hum it sometimes when I get homesick."

"It reminds me of my childhood in New Jersey."

The detective continued to smile and hum, biting into her apple. Only one thought in her mind, 'Reminds me of Alex.'


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This HUGE chapter (7500+ words, there was no place to split it without losing the flow of the story and I promised it would make up for the previous smaller chapter) explains why Alex & Olivia never acted on their feelings again and the broken promises fallout made THAT night (see chapter 9-11, and alluded to in ch1). Think of it as a type of 'coming full circle' for their relationship when they finally kissed again at the Whitney. There will be some readers thinking Alex & Olivia will be a bit OOC in the major interaction, but please know they were both really hurt with each other breaking their promises, and people lash out at the ones they love the most when they're hurting. It will mention some eps from 'Lead' through to the ep when I believe Alex returned from her ICC tenure before Elliott retired. It will also mention some things that occurred in 'Conviction'. Please be aware that I've never actually seen any 'Conviction' eps, I'm only using the Law & Order wiki and tv recaps sites to help me, because I'm trying to be canon, but still allow myself a bit of creative liberty to tweak things how I need them to fit the story. I'm working on 'Conviction' original TV airing dates to coincide with certain SVU s7 episode scene cards... you know the "DUN DUN" information screens ;-). I will point out the eps along the way when they need to be, so readers will be aware when the flashbacks occur, but also some things will be told and explained in the present time as well. (Complete ep summary at the end). Oh yeah, and I've never been to JFK airport, so apologies if the very vague description I give is wrong. My muse tells me all the information in this chapter needs to be known before... something about... a rescue? *shrugs* ;-)

"How are you today, Alex?" Don Cragen lifted the lid on his 4lb jar of Red Vines stashed his desk drawer and grabbed a couple to eat.

"I'm fine, Don" she responded automatically in a monotone voice, waving away the proffered candy.

Cragen raised an eyebrow, this routine response was getting old. He needed to give the ADA a little wake up call.

"Well, I'm glad  _one_  of us is fine, because I'm  _this_  close to drinking, Alex. And I have no solid proof as yet, but I suspect Amanda's popping pain pills as if they're Orange Tic Tacs. It's hurting all of us that Olivia is still missing... and Vanessa for that matter. Now, I'll ask you again Alex: How are you?"

Alex was aware that everyone at SVU was affected by Olivia's disappearance, not just herself. She studied Don, and for the first time she saw true sadness in his eyes. A parent missing a child. The raw emotion reflected her own. A loved one missing a loved one. The emotional flood gates that Alex had desperately fought in public since Olivia's disappearance suddenly overwhelmed her and finally broke free, tears flowing freely.

"I miss Olivia...  _so_  much."

Cragen's eyes softened, he'd seen this response before from Olivia when Alex 'died'.

He passed her a clean handkerchief he always kept with him, "You love her, don't you?"

She nodded, taking the folded square of fabric and dabbing her eyes. "Probably more than she realises."

Don smiled at the quite similar responses both women had said regarding each other. "I have a pretty strong feeling you love her as much as she has always loved you. You said so yourself, you forgave each other for your broken promises when Olivia finally gave you her necklace for your birthday. Come on Alex, talk to me. Let it all out, it's not good to bottle things up inside."

She began unconsciously playing with the necklace, "It wasn't always like that between us. It took a long time for us to truly forgive each other. We had some fairly severe turbulance when I returned to replace Kim Greylek. Do you remember that day?"

"It was the first time you'd been anywhere near SVU in 3 years, even though you returned as a Bureau Chief and got engaged only a couple of weeks after finally exiting Wit Sec."

Alex shook her head, no. "It wasn't the first time. I returned twice before then."

Don's eyebrows shot up at the information, "When?!"

The blonde chewed her bottom lip. Only Olivia and herself knew the real details of this story, after all it was her story... and their story. Alex knew not every single miniscule detail needed to be shared because they were, after all, intimately private. But she also knew that telling Don Cragen the most pertinent details of their interactions, she would replay everything in her mind in full detail. Just like would in her dreams.

She took a deep breath, "If I'm going to tell you all this, I'd better do it right and start from the beginning... so to speak. The night Olivia watched over me in the motel during the Connors trial, we each made a promise. I promised to let Olivia know as soon as I left Wit Sec... and I didn't. She promised to always be there for me... and she wasn't. I was actually quite scared to see Olivia initially when I left Wit Sec."

"Like Elliott was afraid talk to Liv after he initially retired, refusing to take her calls? You were the one to explain to her why he was like that, and help pull her out of her surly attitude."

"That's right. But when I was returned, I was effectively thrown in at the deep end of the pool and was told to start swimming even more than I had before I entered Wit Sec... although I knew I was only barely treading water."

"Didn't they debrief you when you left? Do follow up checks on you?"

"Hardly," snorted Alex. "I knew I wasn't ready for everything, but because for the last few years in Wit Sec I'd been told what to do all the time, I just continued doing that, accepted it as perfectly normal. Everyone said I could do it, and I believed them. I actually began dating Robert Shelton, because the smooth, smarmy bastard said we should date. And I moved in with him, because he said I should. I just went along with his suggestions... with almost everyone's suggestions."

Don waited patiently as Alex took a moment to gather her thoughts before she continued, "I'd only been the Bureau Chief a week when ADA Mike Randolph was killed by drug dealers."

"That's what nearly happened to you... You were walking a tightrope, weren't you?" Don asked gently.

"Exactly. That happening to Mike put me on edge to a uncontrolled freefall because that hit so close to home for me. I... ahh... I'm ashamed to admit that I slept with a co-worker, then got engaged to Robert the  _very_  next day. I regretted both immediately. Right then, I worked out I  _needed_  Olivia's help because I finally knew I wasn't in a good place. I came to SVU but she wasn't around."...

* * *

_Alex hesitantly walked into the familiar bullpen where she had worked only a few years eariler, but only saw an African-American man at the assigned SVU desks. He looked up and immediately saw the distress in Alex's eyes._

_"Can I help you, ma'am?"_

_"I'm looking for Detective Olivia Benson, please."_

_"Sorry ma'am, but she's not here anymore. Transferred out just recently."_

_"Transferred? But.. but she promised me she'd always be here..." Alex trailed off, not listening anymore._

_The man noticed the tremble in her voice, her timid and broken demeanour, "I'm Detective Lucius Blaine. Ma'am if you've been hurt in any way, you can talk to me."_

_Alex turned around and immediately left, not looking back. Her heart sinking to the pit of her stomach._

_Olivia Benson was gone._

_**(SVU ep Fat; Conviction ep Savasana)** _

* * *

"Olivia had just transferred to Computer Crimes, by her own request." Don confirmed.

"Correct. In my distressed state, I didn't even think to ask about Elliott, or anyone else. A couple of weeks later, there was a hostage situation with some of my ADAs in a court room. That event did it for me... tipped me over the edge. I ended it with Robert, and I left the DA's office that afternoon. I... ahh... I didn't really know who I was any more and was diagnosed with depression. I went and got myself sorted out... medication and therapy," Alex glossed over the  _real_  facts. "That was in May '06. I was in a much better place than I had been by October '06, and I once again came to the 1-6 to see if Olivia was truly gone."...

* * *

_Alex strode into the SVU bull pen, more confident than last time she'd been here, but only saw a curly blonde haired woman sitting at Olivia's desk writing up a report, and no-one else about. That certainly wasn't an uncommon occurrence when she was the ADA at SVU._

_"Hello. I'm looking for Detective Olivia Benson."_

_"I'm sorry, I don't know any detective here by that name."_

_Alex's heart sank yet again at the reaffirmed information she' just been told._

_"Is Detective Elliott Stabler here then?"_

_"Unfortunately, no. He's not here anymore. I'm Detective Dani Beck. Can I help you?"_

_Smiling tightly, Alex shook her head and turned to walk away, "Unfortunately Detective Beck, no, you can't help me."_

_Olivia Benson was truly gone._

**_(SVU ep Cage)_ **

* * *

Don rubbed his forehead, "Olivia was undercover in Oregon."

"And Elliott had only left for the evening, not left SVU as I thought he had. The last thing Olivia had told me was he and Kathy had split, so it was easy to assume he'd left as well."

"You misunderstood what Dani had implied."

"I had. After that, I believed I had nothing, no-one and no reason to stay in Manhattan anymore. I was an only child, my Dad had died when I was a teenager, my Mom died while I was in Wit Sec, I'd broken it off with my fiancé, I didn't have a job, I was living with my Uncle Bill, and to my understanding Olivia was gone and she'd broken her promise. I took some time for myself to work out what I wanted to do, and moved upstate to Albany for a fresh start. I decided to travel for a short while, but I actually started to miss work... I couldn't stop thinking like a lawyer. So I did some law courses to bring myself up to date, then started clerking again. It didn't take long before I was working in Appeals. I was beginning to miss Manhattan, and put in for a transfer to Appeals back here. I could do that because I still had my own apartment that my mother had kept all the while I was in Wit Sec. Then, I got a call which I thought it was for my transfer to Manhattan Appeals, but instead it was asking if I'd like to go back to SVU because Kim left suddenly. I accepted, because in my mind Olivia was gone, so was Elliott. As the average SVU tenure is 2 years and I hadn't seen either Fin or John the 2 times I returned, I assumed they were all gone too. I figured SVU would have all new detectives seeing both times I returned there had been, so no-one would really know me... but I would be finally returning home to SVU. I even assumed you were gone and there'd be a new captain at the helm."

"You were quite surprised when I walked over to you to give you the heads up."

"To say the least. And when you said John, Fin, Elliott and Olivia were waiting for us... I was absolutely gobsmacked. That severe turbulance I mentioned, she eventually told me everything that happened over time... although the majority of it in a  _huge_  fight we had when I initially replaced Greylek."...

* * *

_Alex looked up from her paperwork on her desk. She could see the anger rolling of Olivia in waves as she swaggered into the ADA's office in 1 Hogan. Alex knew as soon as she found out from Don Cragen as they approached the SVU detectives that this confrontation would occur, she herself wanted to do the exact same thing discovering Olivia was still at SVU. Both had remained civil during the initial meeting, they were at work surrounded by colleagues after all... but here and now was private time, neither woman would hold back._

_Olivia closed the office door with a little more force than necessary._

_"Counsellor."_

_"Detective."_

_Both just tightened their jaws, blue and brown eyes icily staring each other down, daring the other to make the first move to break the intense silence._

_It only took a few moments before Olivia let fly, "Three years, Alex! THREE. FUCKING. YEARS! YOU broke your promise to ME!"_

_"Oh that's RICH coming from you, Olivia!"_

_"You PROMISED me you'd let me know AS SOON as you were back. You don't even have the DECENCY to let me know at all! I read about your return when I see your FUCKING engagement in the paper! I said I didn't care if you were in a relationship, I just NEEDED to know when you were back! Even a 'Hi Olivia, I'm ok!' would have sufficed!"_

_"Well YOU broke yours too! You WEREN'T there for me when I NEEDED you the most!"_

_"Excuse me?! EXCUSE ME?! I've always been here!"_

_"You're such a FUCKING LIAR!"_

_"BULLSHIT! You listen to me-"_

_The ADA stood up suddenly, rounding the desk, "NO! That's all I EVER did for years in Wit Sec, so YOU listen to ME!"_

_The detective stood there, eyes ablaze, hands on hips, waiting for the explanation._

_Alex took several deep calming breaths before she started, "I admit I didn't let you know, IMMEDIATELY. I'm extremely sorry for that, and I completely regret it. I was thrown back in to normal life and was expected swim a marathon, when in fact I was DROWNING! After being told who I WOULD be for so long, I didn't know who I WAS any more. But when I FINALLY went to tell you I'd left Wit Sec just a couple of months later... and I desperately needed your help, YOU weren't there!"_

_The brunette snorted, "You're fucking unbelievable, you know that! You mustn't have tried looking very much, Alex. I'm still here like I've always been! The joke really IS right, you CAN always tell when a lawyer's lying when their lips are moving. It's funny, you ADA's always ask us detectives to look for more evidence... perhaps you should've taken a tiny bit of THAT advice yourself!" It seemed every other promise had been broken, so why not this one as well. She went in for a very low blow, knowing full well she'd strike a nerve. "You're just a hypocritical bitch, LEXI!"_

_The blonde retaliated, "You were GONE, LIVVY! I walked into the 1-6 and all I see is an SVU detective called Lucius Blaine. He tells me you've transferred OUT!"_

_The detectives eyes softened instantly at the revelation, pinpointing exactly when the ADA was referencing, "I... I transferred to Computer Crimes for a short time. El and I had a major falling out."_

_"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT! Oh yeah, 'I'll never leave SVU'." Alex mimicked sarcastically. "There was a hostage situation at the court house a short time later... that event tipped me over in a downward spiral... to cut a long story short, I checked myself into Bellevue."_

_"Bellevue?" Olivia visibly paled at that information._

_"Sorry, my mistake. Alex Cabot didn't check in, didn't want that going on my medical records... Emily Richards voluntarily checked herself into Bellevue Psychiatric Hospital."_

_"Alex, did you try-"_

_"Commit suicide? No. Definitely no! I checked in and was diagnosed with clinical depression." Alex withheld some information regarding her stay from Olivia. "After a lot of intense therapy and medication over several months, I finally start to feel like Alex Cabot again because I'd forgotten who she was, so I check myself out. I'm still on a low dose medication now! I went back to SVU to see if you're around, or if anyone knows you... you're still gone."_

_"I was never REALLY gone!" Olivia replied, running her hand through her hair in frustration._

_"A Detective Dani Beck says she's never heard of you, and said Elliott's gone as well. So I go to your apartment 4D, and a little old lady opens the door. She says she's been living in that apartment for the last month! I go and find your super, Fred... he says you just up and left, all your stuff's in storage. No note. No forwarding address. Nothing!"_

_Olivia's heart sank, tears threatening to fall, "I... I was undercover in Oregon. It was an immediate start for an unknown amount of time. I didn't have time to prepare anything, I didn't even get to tell Elliott I was going!"_

_"What was it you said now? 'I'll always be in apartment 4D... I'll always be here in Manhattan... I'll always be Elliott's partner... I'll never leave SVU... I'd leave a forwarding address if I did.' So many broken promises there, Olivia. I was under the impression I had nothing left in Manhattan for me, so I left!" Alex wiped away the tears spilling from her eyes._

_"I DIDN'T KNOW ANY OF THIS EITHER! I didn't know! I thought you'd moved on with your brand new life after I saw your engagement notice and you didn't want to know me anymore, Alex! I'm still the exact same apartment building, but I moved across to 4E after the undercover assignment. I wish you'd have come see me straight away." Liv wiped away her own tears. "I'm sorry for what happened. I'm sorry for everything."_

_"So am I, Olivia. I'm sorry too. I was AFRAID and FEARFUL to see you when I first returned, because I felt like I wasn't the same as when you last saw me."_

_Both had unintentionally broken their promises, inadvertently hurting the other in the process._

_The fire and passion in the argument was undoubtedly the same as all those years ago, maybe even more so. All either woman wanted to do was take the other in her arms and hold on for dear life, but each just stood there looking at the other as the tears slowly ebbed. A stubborn and uneasy truce silently declared._

_Both finally truly looked at the other, studying the physical changes from the last time they'd seen each other._

_Olivia saw that Alex's hair was about the same length, but lighter. The glasses were certainly different, but still black framed and oh so undeniably Alex Cabot._

_Alex had immediately seen that Olivia's hair was definitely longer, now sitting well down on her shoulder and darker during their initial meeting. But standing before her, here and now was unmistakably Olivia Benson._

_The blonde's eyes involuntarily drifted down to the 2 chains around Liv's neck for a moment, pausing particularly on the one with the rectangular plaque. Alex noticed it was exactly the same as the one the detective wore that night in the motel. But it didn't have Abhaya engraved on it, this one had the word Fearlessness clearly inscribed on it. The longer chain with a round disc and a small stone in the centre was definitely a new addition._

_Olivia realised what Alex was looking at, and unconsciously raised her hand to the plaque at the base of her throat. Both remembered the promise regarding the chain that night in the motel. Suddenly realising where her hand had drifted, Olivia quickly put it back on her hip._

_"Like I said, I'm sorry for everything. I think it might take some time before I can truly forgive you for breaking your promise, though. You really hurt me, Alex."_

_The blonde nodded her understanding. "The same goes for me, Olivia. Though I'm certain we can both still be professional while we work together... and in front of everyone else."_

**_(SVU ep Lead)_ **

* * *

Don now realised the quote Olivia had written in Alex's birthday card had a much deeper meaning than he initially believed. At the time he thought it was just a fancy quote, but it truly did have a deeper meaning for the women.

He broke off another piece of Red Vine, "You were both so close to being back on the same page, but each time one of you got there, the other had moved on... so to speak."

"You put it that way, it sounds like a bad cliché romantic comedy or something. But in all honesty, that's pretty much exactly what it was. Fate or karma was having fun messing us both around, and neither of us spoke about _this_  necklace ever again." Alex indicated the chain she hadn't taken off since her birthday, except to have a shower. "I knew the initial replacing of Kim Greylek was only for a short time until a permanent ADA would be assigned. I applied for it along with Sonya Paxton. She got the got the go ahead, so I was back in Appeals up in Albany."

"Until Sonya was ordered to rehab by the courts."

"That first case back for me was a difficult one. The undercover operation with the mother and son trying to catch the step father and the kiddie porn ring leader. The mother violently assaulted the guy, not that I blame her."

"Eva Santiago," Don said.

Alex confirmed, "Eva Santiago." ...

* * *

_It had gone to hell during the undercover operation. As the ADA, Alex certainly couldn't ignore what Eva had done. Attacking the ring leader of kiddie porn, every moment of it had been captured on secret video surveillance. Under the circumstances, Alex would have done the exact same thing if it had been her child being exposed to depravity like that, but she was the ADA in the case and had to follow the law._

_Olivia tried her best to keep her emotions under control as she looked at Alex pleadingly, "He needs his mother tonight, PLEASE don't do this."_

_"BOOK HER!" Alex stalked past._

**_(SVU ep Hardwired)_ **

* * *

Alex shifted uncomfortably in her chair as she look at Don Cragen sitting across from her. "I think Olivia took it a little personally, and I'm certain I could've handled that response better. Once again, our relationship was on shaky foundations to start off with."

"You were just doing your job, Alex." Cragen sympathised.

"I know. Olivia certainly managed to get her own back a few weeks later, though."...

* * *

_"I put in formal request for a new ADA."_

_Alex was stunned. "On what grounds?!" This wasn't supposed to be happening. Especially not coming from Olivia, of all people._

_"Professional Ethics! You sacrificed a rape victim to save your own ass!" Olivia spat. She stormed past, not bothering to look back at Alex and joined Elliott Stabler to continue working._

**_(SVU ep Turmoil)_ **

* * *

"Olivia rescinded that request the very next day," The SVU Captain stated.

"We were both very much... out of character, if you will... during that case. After Olivia told me she'd put in that request, I did something very much in haste that night. I regretted doing it at the time, and yet I don't regret doing it now."

Cragen waited for Alex to elaborate on what that regret was, but the blonde continued.

"A few days later, Olivia was accused of murder." Alex shook her head in disgust.

"You paid for Langan to defend her."

"On the proviso that Trevor wouldn't reveal to Olivia that I'd done so, no matter how many times she asked or what she threatened him with. We all knew Olivia wasn't like that, but I knew she needed the best defense possible... Trevor's one of the best. We were starting to get along well again after that."

"I know you both were. Particularly when Babs Duffy was around, making a move on everyone... left, right and centre" Don chuckled.

Alex laughed lightly for the first time in quite a while at the memory. "Babs assumed Liv was a lesbian. I remember Liv saying to me after, she regretted playing the straight card on Babs when Babs kissed her. Liv's never denied her bisexuality before, but she doesn't go about telling everyone either. The same goes for myself. I believe Liv only did that to protect herself in the situation due to Babs being  _overwhelmingly_  aggressive. I have to admit, I was considering the same response if Babs made a move on me."

"I think Olivia had a little fun asking Elliott if he ever got a gay vibe from her."

Both Don and Alex exchanged a knowing look, then laughed. The first real laugh since Olivia went missing. They needed to keep their spirits up during this dark time of her absence.

"Everything was going well, then the case involving Nardalee Ula occurred."...

* * *

_Putting the phone down, Alex prepared for Olivia's imminent arrival at her apartment. It was only a short subway ride from the 86th St Station to 79th St Station, and a few blocks walk. She had informed Olivia and Elliott on the steps of the court house about joining the ICC earlier that afternoon._

_Alex steadied herself, she didn't know how Olivia would react to what she was about to say once the brunette was in the apartment. She feared Olivia could react very badly, just like their initial confrontation just over a year ago when she returned, and completely destroy their relationship altogether. She certainly couldn't have told Olivia this in front of Elliott Stabler, but she had to tell the female detective the truth. It was eating away inside of her since the phone call asking her to join the task force earlier in the day._

_They both settled on the couch, a glass of red wine for each on the coffee table in front of them._

_"Liv, it's not just because of Nardalee that I'm going to the Congo. It's... it's also kinda because of... you... that I'm going too." Alex cringed. It sounded bad no matter how she said it._

_"ME?! How?!" Olivia panicked._

_"Do you remember a few months back, you told me you were putting in a request for a new ADA-"_

_"I withdrew that the next day! You know I did! I told you myself and I apologised."_

_"I know. I was really hurt when you told me you'd put in that request though. That night I saw some articles regarding the ICC and associated agencies on the internet. I honestly doubted I'd hear anything back from them... but... I submitted an application to them on a whim."_

_"WHAT?! You've known all this time, Alex?!" Olivia suddenly stood up._

_The blonde stood in response desperately trying to calm the situation, "Please don't jump to conclusions, Olivia. It's NOT like that! Just a few days later, you were accused of MURDER! Getting YOU the best defense for that took precedence over EVERYTHING else for me. "_

_The detective took a moment to figure out what the blonde was implying, "You... YOU paid for Trevor Langan to defend me?"_

_Alex nodded. "I made him promise not to breathe a word to you."_

_"He wouldn't tell me. I wondered if he might be defending me, so he'd try use it against me later. I even threatened him with obstruction of justice if he didn't tell me. He just smirked at that." Olivia rolled her eyes at the memory._

_"Seems my threat of castration overruled your threat of obstruction," Alex winked. "So you understand I would've withdrawn my application, but I completely forgot about it... until the call came through today. I'm certainly not blaming you in any way, PLEASE don't think that I'm doing that, Olivia. I blame myself for submitting the application in anger. I just NEED you to know the truth of how this has all happened. I was actually afraid to tell you all of this... but we both know what happened last time I was afraid to tell you something, and what the results were." She reached her hand over and took Olivia's in her own, tears pricking her eyes._

_They shared a look, knowing exactly what Alex was referencing to._

_"Someone associated with the ICC here in New York heard about the trial, saw I'd put in a request to them a couple of months earlier, so they asked me to join the task force immediately. I couldn't knock back the offer after hearing what Nardalee went through, and I don't think I'd ever get the opportunity to do this again otherwise. But if you're not ok with me doing this, I'll ring them and tell them to find someone else," Alex negotiated._

_The brunette was worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, processing everything that she'd just been told. Eventually she broke the silence, "How... how long?"_

_"At least I can tell you how long I go for this time. It's a year long tenure -"_

_Olivia's jaw dropped, "A year?!"_

_"- beginning the first week of April."_

_"Alex, it's March 15 today! April is barely 2 weeks away!"_

_"I know it's all so sudden, Liv, but fate works in mysterious ways if you think about it. At least this time, we can stay in contact. Texts, phone calls, emails and Skype. I might need... someone... that knows about these types of cases to talk things over and bounce ideas off." Alex gave Olivia's hand a squeeze on the word 'someone'. "You know of anyone that might be able to help me out?"_

_"Munch?" Olivia dead panned, before smiling tightly. "I'll help you when I can, but we both know perps don't take time off."_

_They were interrupted by an incoming text for the detective. She checked her phone, "And the perps just proved my point. I have to go, Alex."_

_Alex was worried at Olivia's reaction, or lack thereof as the brunette headed out the door. Had she just ruined everything by telling Olivia all this to clear her conscience?_

_"Olivia? Are we good?" asked Alex, pointing a finger back and forth between themselves. She braced herself for the answer._

_"We're good." Olivia confirmed with a single nod of the head and a lop sided smile, as she turned and walked out the door._

**_(SVU ep Witness)_ **

* * *

"That was the thing that you 'regret doing, but not regret doing' that you mentioned earlier, joining the ICC." Don emphasised with air quotes.

Alex nodded yes, while playing with the plaque on her necklace again. "I regret sending the application in an almost spiteful reaction to what Olivia did, but I don't regret accepting the offer or the experience... and I'm grateful I told Olivia how it all happened."

"You kept in contact with each other while you were in the Congo and the Hague? "

"Very intermittently to begin with. When Olivia was given guardianship over Calvin Arliss, we talked a bit more, but the time difference and the long odd hours Olivia works made it difficult to schedule anything permanently."

Alex didn't tell Don about THE most memorable Skype conversation that transpired during Calvin's short stay. It was the only time Alex ever saw the adorable young boy in Olivia's care, and one of the very few Skype conversations Olivia and Alex had while the blonde was overseas...

* * *

_Olivia had been talking to Alex via Skype for only a few minutes. Alex was already aware of Olivia being given guardianship over the young boy, being the first person Olivia told after Elliott and Don knew. Olivia wanted and needed to know all the legalities, and Alex was the one with all the legal knowledge Olivia trusted._

_"Hey Olivia? Can I have a..." Calvin trailed off. He saw he was interrupting, he didn't want to get in trouble. "Sorry."_

_"It's ok, Calvin. I'm just talking to Alex. You've heard me mention her before."_

_He looked at the blonde beauty on screen and gave a timid wave, "She looks different without her glasses... but she's still very pretty!" He looked at Olivia, "So is SHE your girlfriend?"_

_Alex raised her eyebrow and saw Olivia, eyes wide and mouth agape, not knowing how to respond. Obviously he'd seen a photo of her while in the custody of Olivia. But the question about a girlfriend was unexpected._

_"Alex is... my... very good friend... and she's a girl... so-"_

_"So she IS your girlfriend!"_

_"N-no..."_

_"But you talk about her all the time!"_

_"That's because I miss her very much, and she's been away for quite a while. She's in Europe right now-"_

_"Is that why you mumble her name sometimes when you're asleep?"_

_This conversation was getting more interesting by every passing moment for Alex, even though she hadn't said a single word in contribution. The blush settling on Olivia's features was clearly visible and getting darker with each question and statement Calvin uttered._

_"I... what?! How do you know that? I mean-"_

_"I heard you saying her name when you were asleep on the couch and I went for my nighttime pee. Were you dreaming about her 'cause you miss her?"_

_"I... ahh..."_

_"Hey! Were you trying to talk to Alex on the phone this morning in the bathroom?"_

_"Excuse me?!" Olivia's jaw dropped._

_"You were calling her name kinda loud a few times! Did you have bad cell phone reception-"_

_"OK buddy, YOU need to-" Olivia stood up from the dining table ..._

_"- and that's why your talking on Skype tonight?"_

_"- go do your homework now!" ... and gently guided Calvin away towards the coffee table._

_Alex just tried not to burst out laughing at the pure innocence of what Calvin had asked, but it had made her heart beat faster at the revelation. Olivia was clearly flustered at what Calvin had inadvertently revealed, and an evil thought crossed Alex's mind. It wouldn't be understood by young Calvin, but Olivia would certainly understand what she'd be implying. It had been quite a while since they'd flirted or talked regarding anything sexual that wasn't work related, and the opportunity at this moment was too good to pass up._

_"Hey Liv, if your cell phone is having REALLY bad reception and you have to scream out like that... you might need to see if the battery needs replacing! Better check with Jack, and Dil, and Vi too!"_

_The detective whipped her head back towards the computer screen and just scowled at a laughing Alex who just waggled her eyebrows at Liv._

_"Who's Jack, Dil and Vi? Are they other friends of yours, Olivia?" Calvin asked._

_Alex threw her head back, howling with even more laughter at Calvin's harmless question. She certainly wouldn't admit it, but she'd done the exact same thing that morning, and would be doing the exact same thing once this particular Skype conversation was over... 'calling' Olivia._

_Olivia sat back down in front of the computer. She pointed a finger at screen, trying to be angry at the blonde, but was also trying to contain her own embarrassment, "You'll keep, Cabot!"_

**_(SVU ep Penetration)_ **

* * *

The ADA continued talking to Don in the present time, "When Calvin was placed back into the care of his grandparents... I think Olivia saw the similarities of Calvin being returned and when I was returned back to Wit Sec after the trial. Yet another person that meant a great deal to her was taken away through no fault of their own. Liv reached out to me more for the last few months while I was with the ICC until I finally returned." ...

* * *

_Alex easily spotted Olivia bouncing on the balls of her feet, waiting patiently in the exit lounge with dozens of other people at Terminal 8 of JFK International Airport as the blonde pushed her luggage laden trolley in front of her. She didn't know how she always did it, but Alex could always zero in and spot Olivia anywhere in a crowd. Olivia's hands were in the back pockets of her jeans, leather jacket on and open with a tight scoop neck T-shirt allowing a nice amount of cleavage to be seen. A broad smile broke across the face of each of them when they finally made eye contact. All Alex wanted to do was break into a sprint, leap into the detective's arm, wrap her legs around Olivia's waist and smother her with kisses after this year long absence. But Alex knew that wasn't an option, so she assumed a friendly hug would have to suffice._

_Olivia approach, but kept her hands in the back pockets. The smile that had been there was now gone, a serious look had replaced it._

_"Hey Alex, I have something I need to say to you that I should have said a LONG time ago." The tone of Olivia's voice was solemn, not at all jovial._

_Alex audibly swallowed, gooseflesh rippled over her body, and the broad smile automatically fell away. She didn't think she'd like the sound of what Olivia might be about to say. The sentence just spoken was too ominous for her liking. She had expected the usual 'How are you? How was your flight? It's good to see you after all this time!'._

_"Wha-what's that, Liv?"_

_"I forgive you."_

_Alex was clearly perplexed at that statement. "What did I do, Olivia?!" Was the jetlag from the 7 ½ hour hour flight across the Atlantic from Paris' Charles De Gaulle Airport affecting her comprehension of what Olivia was saying?_

_Olivia reached out and took Alex's hand in hers, "I'm sorry for everything that's happened between us these last couple of years... and I FORGIVE you for everything. You know... the promises... and the misunderstands. I should have forgiven you a long time ago... but I never did say the words. Sometimes, 3 words are difficult to say to someone that means a lot to you, but I'm saying them now. Alex: I'M. So. Sorry... and... I. Forgive. YOU." Olivia gently squeezed Alex's hand to emphasize each '3 words' when she spoke them. "You being gone this past year made me realise how much your friendship really means to me... and I don't EVER want us to hurt each other again, or lose contact either. Deal?"_

_"Deal. Olivia: I'M. Sorry. Too... and... I. Forgive. YOU." Alex returned the gesture in kind. All Alex wanted to do at that moment was say those 3 OTHER words: I. Love. You. But those 3 words are the most difficult of all to admit to._

_Olivia pulled Alex into a warm embrace, which the blonde melted in to, and returned with just as much warmth. It had been so many years since they'd held the other like this... that morning in the motel room... and yet here and now, it still felt so right as it did back then. Both pulled back slightly, and saw the other's tongue dart out and lick their lips quickly. They were only mere inches away from closing the small gap between their lips, each could feel the other's warm breath tickling their face, almost as if waiting for the other to make the move._

_But neither woman had the courage to make the bold move, and they reluctantly ended the embrace before it got too awkward._

_"So you just took the day off to come pick me up?" Alex asked, trying to break the tension._

_"Nope! I got the whole week off this week. So in a few days time when you've settled back into a routine, I want us to catch up. Try and do it whenever we can." replied Liv._

_"What? Like dinner or something?"_

_"Sounds like a plan!" Olivia nodded._

_"Sounds like a date!" Alex flirted._

_The two women made their way towards Olivia's car, each wheeling a suitcase of Alex's luggage, making idle chit chat along the way._

_"Your hair's longer," commented Alex._

_"Ah, I thought I'd let it grow a bit. Hasn't been this long for a while."_

_"It looks good, Liv! I was actually thinking of cutting mine-"_

_Olivia suddenly stopped walking, a hint of panic audible in her voice, "NO! Don't!"_

_"Why not? I had it short when I first worked with you. So did you!" Alex justified._

_"Just... don't ever cut your hair, Alex. It REALLY suits you how you have it now," Olivia smiled as she began walking in he direction of her car again._

_Closing the trunk of her Mustang, now full of Alex's luggage, Olivia's phone indicated an incoming text._

_"Wow!" Olivia was stunned at the message._

_"What?" Alex asked._

_"El says Casey is back and working the current case as the temporary ADA."_

_"Casey? I thought she was disbarred?"_

_"Me too, but he says she was only censured. That makes me dislike Kim Greylek even more now!"_

_Alex thought a moment, "I don't know... I quite like Kim, actually."_

_"You can't be serious Alex!"_

_"Olivia, I don't like that she lied about Casey, that's for sure! But if Kim hadn't left SVU suddenly, I doubt we'd be standing here right now having this conversation... and neither of us would have forgiven each other."_

_They shared a knowing look and a heartfelt smile, before getting into Olivia's car. Alex took note of the mention of the term 'temporaroy ADA' Olivia had used when talking about Casey Novak. Perhaps there might be an opening to get her old job back at SVU now her ICC tenure was over?_

**_(SVU ep during Reparations)_ **

* * *

She didn't know where it all came from, but Alex had basically just told the SVU Captain almost everything about her and Olivia's relationship since that night in the motel. Something that she'd always kept very guarded, but she suddenly felt a very large weight off her shoulders, baring her soul and talking to Don like she just had.

Especially today.

She needed to positively remember Olivia as much as she possibly could while the detective was still missing, not constantly thinking of all the bad things that could be occuring. She didn't want to slip back into the bleakness of her depression, she already bore the scars of those dark days.

Some of what Alex had told him, he already had heard from Olivia during their talks over the years, but there were a few new revelations from the blonde. He wouldn't say anything, he was told all of these things in confidence and would keep both the women's secrets.

"Thanks for listening to me ramble on, Dad." Alex had said it before she'd even realised, but right then and there in the moment, calling Donald Cragen 'Dad' felt right.

"That's ok, Alex." Don stood up and gave Alex a fatherly hug. "We  _will_  find Olivia and Vanessa, we won't give up until we do. We know they're out there  _somewhere_ , we just wish we could catch a break to figure out where."

"I know."

At least half a dozen more envelopes had been received, from all different cities and states in the North East corner. All with the same phrase in the same distinct cursive writing as the original ones, ' _She's alive, for now'._ They had seen the various bruises, cuts and cigarette burns on arms, legs, hands, feet and backs. The law enforcement agencies had anticipated the next envelope being sent from Burlington, Vermont after they'd received the one from Montpelier. But were thrown a huge curve ball when the envelope containing the handful of Olivia's hair came from Warwick, Rhode Island. When that arrived, they realised that there was no pattern now, and that he was sending them an a wild goose chase. An envelope with some of Vanessa's hair was postmarked York, Maine. Both were confirmed to be the missing women's through DNA, and in both envelopes were a few other strands of someone else's hair. Whether those hairs were intentionally included or not was uncertain, but DNA confirmed it was from the same person who's blood was on Olivia's gun. Everyone knew it was Lewis Williams, but where were they all in this game of cat and mouse? Plattsburgh, New York was a more recent envelope arrival. As was Berlin, New Hampshire. When one arrived from Lowell, Massachusetts it made Don's stomach churn. He doubted very much it was deliberately sent from there, but the connotations associated with that specific name were not lost on the SVU Captain. Even one arrived from Montreal, Quebec. But today's arrival was the biggest slap in the face of all.

Lewiston, Maine.

"I'd better get back to work," Alex walked towards the door, her attaché bag in hand.

Cragen called out, "By the way, Counsellor..."

ADA Alex Cabot turned around to look at Captain Don Cragen.

"...Welcome back home to SVU."

Today date: 1st July, 2013.

Days missing: 42.

* * *

**End Notes...**  
 **Eps referred to: Conviction** \- Pilot, Savasana, Hostage.  
 **Eps referred to: SVU** \- Fat, Informed (alluded), Infiltrated (alluded), Cage, Lead, Hardwired, Turmoil, Perverted, PC, Witness, Penetration, Reparations (alluded).

 


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know the difference between Police v Sheriffs for the US. If I'm wrong with what my characters can/can't do, sorry! :-). I'm assuming it's a rural/country version of the Police, and that's how I'll be writing it. Where I'm from, it's ALL just Police, and sherrifs are used for evictions etc mostly... that might be interesting as a job, I'm not sure that's nearly as fun to write about :-P. And, Winthrop's probably larger in real life than I'll be making it ;-).

"You're lying!" Vanessa scoffed in disbelief.

"I swear, it's a true story! Honest!" Olivia laughed.

Silence descended, Vanessa's eyes swept the the dimly lit room yet again.

*SIGH*

Me.

My mattress.

My wall.

My chain.

My toilet.

Back wall.

The shelf on back wall.

Our clean clothes and towels on the shelf on back wall.

Our empty buckets... hopefully he'll refill them again soon, so we can wash.

Olivia's wall.

Olivia's chain.

Olivia's mattress.

Olivia pacing... again.

Olivia's toilet.

The wall with the door.

The door to the rest of the cabin... where HE... did what he did...

Why was a map on the wall with pins all over it?

Floor.

Ceiling.

Light bulb hanging from ceiling.

*SIGH*

Can't keep ignoring it.

Ignored it for too long.

Got to say something about it.

"Liv?"

"Yeah, 'Nessa?"

"I... ahh... I haven't had... my period... yet. You've had yours... a while ago now."

"I know... but that doesn't mean for certain you're pregnant though."

"How can you say that? I've  _never_  skipped! And he-"

"I know, sweetie. I know. But women under a immense amounts of stress... it can alter their cycles dramatically. It's called... I think it's anovulation... or an anovulatory cycle. With what we've been through so far, I think it falls under that category, don't you?" Olivia explained in her soothing voice. They still had no real idea how long they'd been gone, but if crudely using her menstrual cycle was the only way, Olivia had a very vague idea.

"I guess."

"Just... don't jump to conclusions yet 'Nessa,... it doesn't do anyone any good, ok?" Olivia said, using the same words she'd heard from Alex on more than one occasion. The blonde was never far from the detective's thoughts.

Vanessa nodded, and lost herself in her thoughts again.

Liv resuming pacing the length of her wall once again. The detective now understood why caged animals did this particular tedious behaviour. As she turned back again, she flexed her knuckles as they brushed against the brick wall. The bruises on them were a mixture of purple hues, as was the one on her forehead and a large laceration. The blisters on the major knuckles caused by cigarettes had begun to scab over, but were now open again and oozing blood. She ran her free hand through her greasy, uneven hair. A vast majority had been shortened at the back when Lewis hacked off the handful, but there were still some long wavy tendrils of hair. Vanessa's hair had suffered a similar fate not long after Olivia had. A somewhat of a routine had been established: food in packets and bottled water were safe, as was fresh fruit. But cooked meals and glasses of beverages for being possibly drugged, that's where a lot of mind games were taking place. Sometimes they were drugged, sometimes they weren't. If Olivia was drugged, torture from Lewis Williams was assured. He always made sure she was fully awake and alert when THAT started.

The red head broke the short silence, "I still don't believe you when you say that Munch got shot in the ass."

Olivia Benson laughed once again.

* * *

Sheriff Melanie Leonard rubbed her eyes, eventually settling the hand over her mouth and chin as she studied the map of Winthrop on her office wall. Her family, the Zimmerley's, had lived in the small township for several generations, and were well respected in the community. Her grandfather, Nathaniel, had been the Mayor when she was a young child. Her father, Patrick, was the Sheriff in her teenage years. Her only brother, Bradley, (younger by just over a year) joined the Sheriff's Department as soon as he was eligible after academy training, and she followed the same path 6 months later. Even though she joined later, Mel moved up the ranks faster than Brad, eventually becoming Winthrop's first female Sheriff almost 2 years ago. Brad staying Deputy and oversaw 2 other officers (one was a fresh faced rookie which Melanie had no idea how he actually managed to graduate from the academy at all).

It took a long time for Melanie to stop blaming herself for the death of their mother, Hannah. Hannah Zimmerley died just 3 days after Mel came out as a lesbian to her parents at 19 years old, even though she knew since she was 12 she liked girls, especially after falling in love with her 7th grade teacher. She couldn't accept that the sudden heart attack from Ventricular Fibrillation her mother suffered had nothing to do whatsoever with her coming out. She believed her mother died of a broken heart and shock that she had caused, and no-one could convince Melanie otherwise. Hannah hadn't accepted Mel's coming out initially, but did eventually say Melanie was still her daughter and it would take quite some time for her to understand Mel's 'lifestyle choice', like as though Melanie had a say in the matter. After Hannah's death, Melanie returned to the closet (so to speak), even though her father and brother were not bothered in the slightest with her sexuality. Nor was her oldest friend, Heather. Heather Stanton married Bradley Zimmerley after he graduated high school, and 9 months later, the first of the 6 Zimmerley children arrived. Mel secretly dated a couple of women while training at the academy, but no relationship lasted more than a few of weeks because they couldn't stand Melanie being such a closet case.

A chance meeting (or possibly some underhanded sneakiness from Heather) with the then raven haired, green eye bombshell, Kelly Leonard, a 1st year med student (the daughter of a Stanton cousin family friend originally from Akron, Ohio), at a Stanton family and friends barbeque 5 years later in Maine's capital Augusta, changed the life of Melanie Zimmerley.

_"Kelly's like you, Mel."_  
 _"What's that supposed to mean, Heather?"_  
 _"Kel's gay. Now she's back in the closet... just like you. "  
"I'm NOT... Are you trying to guilt trip me or something?"  
"Hey, she's just come out, and been disowned by her ENTIRE family! Not just one family member."  
"THANKYOU for reminding me of my mother dying of shock."  
"That's not how your Mom died, and you know it! Look, her family want nothing more to do with her whatsoever. That's why Kel's moved here to study in Maine, and live with my cousin's family."  
"So you're trying to set me up?! You're unbelievable! I'm not gay!"_  
 _"Well, excuse me! I thought Kelly could do with a friend!"_  
"Oh, so now I'm the token lesbian go-to girl?"  
"Thought you just said you weren't gay?" Heather raised her eyebrow in challenge.  
Melanie scowled. She could never stay angry at Heather for long, especially when Heather was right.  
"Besides Mel, you haven't taken your eyes off her since you saw her... and Kelly hasn't taken her eyes off you."  
Mel tried her best not to blush, but failed miserably.

Shy glances and coy smiles shared during that fateful day at the Stanton barbeque began the slow waltz of their relationship. Each woman giving the other the courage and support to be out, and comfortable with their sexuality in their own time. They moved in together a few years later in Augusta, with Melanie commuting to Winthrop everyday, while Kelly finished her residency and remained at Augusta General until the end of 2012 (she was a 'city girl' after all). The only time Melanie and Kelly were truly apart was when Dr Leonard volunteered her time to join with Médecins Sans Frontières (Doctors Without Borders) every few years, the most recent time being a stint immediately after the Haiti earthquake. A now salt and pepper spiky haired Kelly Leonard married Melanie Zimmerley at the beginning of 2013 when legislation came in for same sex marriage in Maine, and Mel gladly took Kelly's surname when they married. Melanie had no problems working with Bradley, but constantly being mistaken for her brother's wife was only funny the first few times... and Mel had been suffering  _that_ indignity since Brad married Heather all those years ago. Both women finally moved Winthrop permanently in March when Kelly became one of 3 doctors at the newly extended Winthrop Medical Centre.

It was a conversation with Kelly earlier in the evening before dinner that lead Mel to be standing in deep thought in the office, staring intently at the town map...

_A pair of hands snaked around Kel's waist from behind as she prepared dinner for the both of them. A soft kiss to the back of her neck brought a smile to her lips._

_"Hello 'Dr Cuddy'," Melanie growled playfully._

_Kelly turned around in Mel's arms, planting a soft kiss on on the blonde's mouth, "Should I be jealous of you being infatuated with Lisa Edelstein?_

_"Ha, ha. You know I've only EVER had eyes for you, honey." Mel returned the kiss. "Although... if you ever wanted a celebrity fantasy threesome... she'll be my pick."_

_"I don't share you with anyone, and don't you EVER forget it!" Kelly pinched Mel's ass, causing the sheriff to yelp. "I've hardly seen you these last few days," pouted the doctor._

_"Urgh, you know how it gets in the summer around here with the tourists visiting both Lake Maranacook and Annabessacook." Mel sighed. "I can't wait for summer to be over, go back to normality with all the weirdos gone."_

_"Hey! Funny you mention weirdos, we had a bit of a weirdo in a couple of days ago at the emergency clinic."_

_"Ooh, I love your weird patient stories! Wait, wait, don't tell me... someone 'accidentally' sat on something and it lodged inside them? Or they have 'absolutely no idea how that inanimate object got stuck down there'." Mel laughed, trying to steal a taste of what was on offer for dinner._

_Joining in the laughter, Kelly swatted her away. "No, seriously... This guy came in with a black eye, laceration to his lower left eyelid and a nasal fracture with excessive bleeding. He said he tripped over."_

_Mel took a whole button mushroom, talking with her mouth full, "Wha' weird 'bout tha'?"_

_"Sweetheart, I KNOW what a tripping injury looks like. This wasn't a tripping injury."_

_"So maybe he was drunk, fell flat on his face and broke his nose?" Mel offered, swiping a cherry tomato from the salad._

_Kelly shook her head, no. "He was sober. He brushed it off as being clumsy. He even showed me burns on all his fingers. Said he burnt them when he tripped over a mop and bucket in a kitchen he worked at a little while ago and placed his hands on the hot plate."_

_"Ouch! Maybe he IS clumsy!" Mel winced, popping the tomato in her mouth._

_"I don't know. Honestly, the bruising looked more like an assault injury to me. When I was about to enter cubicle to start patching up, I heard him talking to himself, saying something like 'the brunette bitch will pay for doing this to me later', then he was suddenly all charming when I pulled back the curtain. It was weird, and so was this guy."_

_Melanie grabbed a slice of bell bepper, "Do you think he could be covering for domestic violence?"_

_"It's a possibility," sighed Kelly, trying to bat Mel's thieving hands away. "WILL you STOP stealing all the salad!"_

_"I know its usually men beating on women, but I can't ignore women beating on men either because it DOES happen. Or what if the 'bitch' that he mentioned is his boyfriend? I don't like the thought of anyone in an abusive relationship." Mel munched on the bell pepper slice, "Hey! I'm HUNGRY alright!"_

_"I don't like it either, but what if he's the abuser and the 'bitch' he mentioned finally fought back? This guy wasn't exactly a weakling and maybe what the other person did was an attempt to get away, or was a cry for help?" Kelly licked her lips, smirking, "And I know how HUNGRY you get. More like an insatiable appetite... for sex."_

_"Only as insatiable as you are, babe." Mel claimed Kelly's mouth. "Do you remember this guy's name?"_

_Kelly nodded, "Yep."_

_"Are you going to tell me, Kelly?"_

_"Honey, Doctor/Patient privilege... you know that."_

_"What if Sheriff Melanie Leonard asked Dr Kelly Leonard? He might be ashamed to file a report if he got beat up by a woman or his boyfriend. Then again, he might be a tourist and already gone by now."_

_"No, he said he moved to the outskirts of Winthrop when I was making conversation with him patching him up. Reckons he has an old family cabin or something. He didn't give an address when he filled out his forms apart from putting Winthrop, and he paid his bill in full with cash... I mean, who does that?! I don't know what it was, Mel... but something just didn't sit right with me. Honestly hon, he made my skin crawl."_

_Mel processed what Kelly had just said, it sounded... familiar?_

_"You've got that look now, Mel."_

_"What look?" Melanie questioned._

_"That look you get when you get something in that beautiful head of yours and won't go away until you've figured out what it is." Kelly cupped Mel's cheek, as the sheriff unconsciously leant into the warm hand of her wife._

_"C'mon, Kelly... what was his name?"_

_The doctor chewed her bottom lip, then relented. "I will deny it unequivocally, if anyone asks. Luis... L-U-I-S... Wilson. Luis Wilson."_

... Mel took a step closer to the map on her office wall, studying the roads intently.

The name Luis Wilson didn't sound 'Winthrop familiar' at all, neither had the name Heather gave a few weeks back: Lucas Wilkins, who Heather said had a girlfriend that was agoraphobic. Melanie had checked the computer at the station that night before their dinner, unfortunately nothing came up for that name. Winthrop was small and practically everyone knew everyone. There were several abandoned farms and cabins on the outskirts of the town, but nothing that jumped out at her as being recently reclaimed or occupied. In the days after Heather (who turned out NOT to be pregnant after all) mentioned about someone returning to the outskirts with his girlfriend, Sheriff Leonard did some drive by checking to see if any vehicles were visible from the roads, but failed to see anything out of the ordinary.

Another thing that stuck with Mel, was it a coincidence that the names were somewhat similar? Or was this the same person trying to hide something? That would be another name to check on the computer in the morning. The Sheriff didn't like it when things happened in Winthrop and she didn't know about them.

"Figured it out yet?" Kelly startled Mel from her thoughts with a playful pinch to her nipple from behind.

Mel placed her hand over Kelly's still resting on her breast, interlocking their fingers. She shrugged her shoulder and stayed silent, still making mental notes of all possible farms and cabins as she studied the town map.

"Come to bed, Melanie. There's nothing you can do until morning anyway."

Mel sighed heavily in defeat, turned and lead Kelly towards their bedroom.

Tomorrow wouldn't come fast enough for Sheriff Leonard's liking.

* * *

Alex exited Cragen's office, attaché bag in hand. Her slightly puffy, red rimmed eyes automatically sliding to the desk of Olivia Benson. It looked exactly the same as it always had, except for one glaringly obvious difference. The person she was looking forward the most to coming back to SVU for was nowhere to be found.

Today was supposed to be the joyous and happy return home to SVU for the ADA. She even secretly had hoped to maybe be perched on the corner of Olivia's desk, her skirt possibly showing a little more thigh than normal, eyes peeping over the top of her glasses sharing one of those glances that made her heart race with a certain detective when she initially told Olivia she was returning today. They'd only been kissing in Alex's office a short time before Mike Cutter interrupted to tell her she was becoming the additional ADA assigned to the Manhattan Special Victims Unit with Rafael Barba. Both Alex and Olivia knew she wouldn't and couldn't be the assigned ADA for Olivia's cases, but there was no reason she couldn't be if Nick Amaro was the lead detective.

She had been floating on such an euphoric high when she called the brunette to give her the good news, and then Olivia asked her over for dinner. The possibilities for that night could have been endless, even though Olivia had said she wanted to take things slowly after just breaking up with Brian. But when Olivia backed her up against her office door, their tongues gently refamiliarising themselves, and stroking the erogenous zone of the blonde's abdomen with her thumb before Mike arrived... she certainly made the possible intentions known to Alex.

The ADA walked over to the desk, a hand tentatively settling on the back of the office chair. Olivia should be there now, possibly turning around to look up at the blonde, a small lop sided smile and the word ' _Counsellor_ ' in her no nonsense work voice being said. Alex's eyes drifted to the photographs in their frames. One of Olivia and Serena Benson that was there the first day Alex walked into the 1-6; the digital manipulation of Olivia 'meeting' President Obama that Munch did for her as a joke; and one of Elliott, Olivia and Alex after Alex returned from her ICC tenure but before Elliott retired. The desk calendar was still showing May 2013, the notation for Alex's birthday in Olivia's handwriting made her reach up and lightly touch her necklace again. Inhaling a steadying breath through her nose, then slowly exhaling through her mouth, she took one last glance at them photo of the trio of them before placing her attaché bag next to Olivia's desk and walking by.

Alex headed for the bathroom, wanting to freshen up and hide any traces of her crying in Cragen's office before supervising the interrogation by John and Nick of a main suspect. Pushing open the door to the ladies bathroom, Alex startled Amanda as she tried to pull the orange cylinder out of her jeans pocket but it fell to the floor and rolled towards the ADA. Alex picked them up before Amanda could get to them, surreptitiously studying the label.

Oxycodone.

Strong, addictive and mood swing inducing. Alex was very much aware how addictive these were, having initially been prescribed them after she was shot, but followed the gradual weaning process exactly as ordered, enduring the pain of withdrawal just as much as the pain the bullet had caused.

"I need them... for my shoulder, y'know." Amanda explained nonchalantly, but nervously wringing her hands. "I was shot remember. Can I have them back now?"

"You were shot back in April, Amanda. You should be off these by now."

Rollins rolled her eyes, muttering angrily under her breath. She extended her hand waiting for Alex to return the pills.

Remembering what Don Cragen had said a little earlier regarding Amanda, Alex was starting to see his as yet unconfirmed suspicions were probably right. "Do you want to repeat that,  _Detective Rollins_?"

"I said... What. The. FUCK. WOULD. YOU. KNOW, CABOT!" Amanda screamed. She hadn't had the pills yet, she was hurting immensely.

"I know  _enough_  to know you shouldn't still be taking these any more, and you should be well into your physical therapy regime." Alex just stood her ground, slipping the pills into her pencil skirt pocket, not moving.

"Like  _YOU_ have  _ANY_  idea what  _I'M_  going through!"

Alex didn't really know how much Amanda Rollins knew what had happened to her all those years ago, having only worked with her a short time before the Delia Wilson scandal. She reached her hand up to her blouse, unbuttoning the first 3 buttons, then pulling the open blouse to right, exposing her own old scar near her bra strap. "I'm pretty sure have an idea. Fin does too, seeing he was shot in the shoulder a few years back as well! I _know_  how addictive these pain pills are, and the withdrawal pain symptoms that's associated too. Mine was throbbing and burning muscle pain in my biceps and back each time my dosage was lowered. It was as painful as the injury itself!" She rebuttoned her blouse.

Amanda continued to glare, still holding her hand out. The other hand by her side was clenching and unclenching repeatedly.

"You  _should_  have been off those pills..." Alex trailed off, the realisation dawning on her. Amanda should started around the time Olivia was abducted. "You're not just hurting  _physically_... you're also hurting  _emotionally_ , and using  _these_  pills as an excuse. We're  _all_  hurting with Olivia missing, Amanda. Do you think  _Olivia_  would want you to be popping these?!"

"GIVE ME THE PILLS!"

Before Alex could respond, Amanda launched herself at the ADA as Fin Tutuola opened the door to the ladies room, having heard the initial commotion. Amanda rammed Alex heavily back against the bathroom wall, before pulling her fist back ready to land a punch.

"I heard th- 'MANDA! DA FUCK?!" Fin grabbed Amanda around the waist, pulling her away from Alex. The fight was gone in the blonde detective before it even began. She collapsed from Fin's arms to the floor, sobs wracking her body.

"It's ALL my fault... none of this... would have happened... if I hadn't dropped the case... Liv would still be here... it's all my fault... it's all my fault... I'm so sorry Alex... so sorry... it's my fault... my fault..."

"It's not your fault, 'Manda. It's  _his_  fault. Not your fault at all. Liv won't blame you for what's happened. She's not like that," Fin cradled his partner in his arms as Amanda continued to break down emotionally.

Cragen opened the door to the ladies room, as Fin scooped Amanda up off the floor. He knew something was happening after seeing Fin race towards the bathroom from his own office window overlooking the squad room. Alex tasted the coppery blood in her mouth as she gingerly touched the swelling of her lower lip she had accidentally bitten when she hit the bathroom wall.

"You ok, Alex?" Don asked. Alex waved away the SVU Captain's concern.

"There's your proof, Don. Let's get her the help she needs." Alex whispered quietly, taking the pills out of her pocket and handing them to the Captain.

"I swear I didn't know she was still taking pain meds, Cap. She told me she'd finished them a while ago, and was only taking ibuprofen now." Fin stated honestly, carrying a still sobbing Amanda towards the door.

"I've had my suspicions seeing I've been struggling not to drink myself, but Rollins said similar to me when I asked her how her PT was progressing. We all feel responsible for what's happened to Liv one way or another... unfortunately, Amanda's taken it particularly personally." Don held the door open for Fin to exit unimpeded.

"This is going to sound bad no matter how I say it... but I'm not sure any of you would have known for certain if she's been taking them in the women's bathroom. Olivia might have discovered eventually, but without her here..." Alex let the sentence hang.

Transferring her gambling addiction to prescription medication, and compounding everything that had occurred in recent times with regard to her own shooting and Olivia being taken, Amanda's pain that she thought she'd kept so well hidden had been exposed.

Amanda Rollins' silent cry for help had finally been heard.

* * *

Alex sat down on one of the benches opposite the ' _Imagine_ ' mosaic at Strawberry Fields in Central Park. In the days since Olivia's disappearance, this was the right place the ADA felt comfortable being lost in her own thoughts. Olivia wasn't dead, so visiting a cemetery was out of the question. Neither was visiting any place of worship, Alex wasn't at all religious. She couldn't bring herself to go to Olivia's apartment, even though the crime scene had been clear away. Alex's own apartment was just  _too_  quiet sometimes.

"I heard what happened today, Cabot!" a familiar voice said, startling the ADA. She hadn't even realised that someone had sat down next to her, her thoughts were completely with Olivia.

"Joe?!" Alex asked, turning to face Joe Dumas.

"Ooooh! You really  _did_  get a fat lip! He said you did!"

The blonde raised an eyebrow at that statement, "Who said?  _Who_  told you?"

Only Don, Fin, Nick, John and Rafael knew what happened in the ladies bathroom, aside from Amanda and herself.

Joe just gave his charming boyish smile, blatantly ignoring Alex's questions.

Alex tried a different approach, "What are you doing here?"

"Me? When I'm in the area visiting a friend of mine, I've come here a few times to think about Bri. I can't bring myself to visit his plot at the Columbarium Wall yet."

"Which friend?"

Joe deflected Alex's question with one of his own, "How you holding up?"

"As best I can under the circumstances, I guess. I just want this  _bastard_  found, because when  _he's_  found,  _Olivia_  and Vanessa will be found."

"I hear they think he's not moving around like they originally thought, but he's in the one location."

"That's what they're saying," Alex agreed. "But as to where... no clue."

The vibrations of Joe's phone alerted him to an incoming text. Joe respected that Strawberry Fields was a designated quiet zone. "I gotta go, my ride's here. I'll see you tomorrow, Cabot. Bright and early!"

"What? Here? Tomorrow?" Alex indicated the wooden benches.

Joe started walking backwards, "No... tomorrow at work. I'll be working at SVU, only until Rollins gets sorted out. Captain Cragen asked over at Brooklyn and I volunteered. If Bri could handle SVU for a while, I'm sure I can try. Later!"

As Joe Dumas jogged away, Alex assumed Don was the one to tell Joe what truly happened in the bathroom and her resulting injury. But who Joe was jogging towards made her question that assumption.

She smiled, and again lost herself in the thousands of mosaic tiles and thoughts of Olivia Benson.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've never been to Bellevue, so if my description is wrong, sorry! Just a little more of Alex's back story in this chapter that was hinted to in chapters 4 and 13 in this chapter... then.. ;-).

Alex strode through the doors from Bellevue Hospital to the in patient garden space. It had been some years since she'd been here, but this time it was different. She wasn't voluntarily visiting the Psychiatric Unit for herself (as Emily Richards), she was visiting the Chemical Dependency Crisis/Detoxification Unit for Amanda Rollins.

Amanda gave a hesitant wave as Alex approached, she hoped the ADA wasn't here to make her feel any more worse than she already was. The blonde detective still couldn't fathom that she was actually going to assault Alex, when all Alex had done was finally discovered her secret and actually get the help she truly needed.

"You think I'm crazy, don't you?" Amanda said from the stone bench, staring out over the Sobriety Garden which she had started working at as part of her rehabilitation.

"No, I don't. I won't say I know what you're going through, because no-one  _ever_  knows exactly what someone else is going through... but I have an idea. Everyone's affected with Olivia missing, and I'm sure Vanessa Meyers' family is going through similar." Alex sat down next the young SVU detective. She wouldn't admit how much Olivia's disappearance was truly hurting her. Missing a dear friend or close colleague couldn't compare to missing the person you love with all your heart.

"How can you say that? I'm in the loony bin! I'm as crazy as my sister, Kim." Amanda looked away in shame.

"You're not in the Psych ward, you're in the Dual Diagnosis Detox program... you're  _not_  crazy, Amanda. Even if you  _were_  in the Psych ward, I still wouldn't call you crazy," Alex placed her hand over Amanda's in support for the young detective.

"I was going to hurt you, Cabot!" Amanda turned to look at Alex.

"Amanda, you were crying out for help... sometimes it takes a while before  _someone_  hears those cries. I'm glad I heard the cry now and not later."

The younger blonde sighed, "Everyone's at work's going to judge me! It's gonna be on my medical records! That's gonna do  _wonders_  for my career... and I don't even know where to  _begin_  with being able to afford treatment here!"

"No-one is going to judge you. Don is fully supportive of you being here. As are Fin, John, Nick, Joe and Rafael. I certainly won't judge you, nor will Olivia. My uncle, Bill Harriman, is paying for your treatment while you're here, so there's no need to worry about that after I told him your situation and what Kim did to you... and you're career doesn't need to be ruined because of this, because I'm not sure Amanda _Richards_  is a detective that works at SVU." Alex raised an eyebrow.

Amanda realised what Alex was hinting at, "You're  _covering_  for me?  _Why_?"

Alex thought a moment before she chose her words carefully, "Do they still serve that really tasty Chinese Honey Chicken on Thursdays?"

"Yeah, it's really good... wait, how do you know that? You've been here before, haven't you?!"

"Technically... yes and no. How much do you know about what happened to me?" Alex indicated her bullet wound on her shoulder.

"Olivia told me you were put in WPP because of a case. Then you came back to testify and went back in to WPP again. She didn't go into full details."

"When I went in to Wit Sec the first time, I was already suffering insomnia and anxiety. Depression wasn't a large leap seeing I'd been taken from everyone and everything I'd known and stuck in the middle of nowhere and given a job that held no interest for me. Being given a morsel of my life back when I returned for those few days kept me going for a while. When I finally left Wit Sec for good, I wasn't in a good shape... mentally. I did some things I deeply regret, and I eventually reached out for help that I  _knew_  I needed... but the person I reached out to was unaware I had, through  _no_  fault of their own. None whatsoever."

"You reached out to Olivia, didn't you?"

Alex nodded yes to confirm Amanda's question, "Work and miscommunications played a big part in Liv not knowing I had at the time. I voluntarily checked in here, but under my Wit Sec identity, because I didn't want it on _my_  records. It was hard being here by myself, only my Uncle knew I had checked in here. I eventually hit rock bottom a week later."

"Rock bottom?" Amanda wondered aloud. How bad could Alex's rock bottom have been?

Alex took a deep breath, only Olivia knew about this. Not even Don Cragen knew. "Let's just say shatterproof drinking glasses  _are_  able to be broken and used to hurt yourself if you really try hard enough."

Amanda immediately looked at Alex's wrists and arms for the telltale self inflicted scars, just as Olivia had when Alex eventually told her all of this at one of their dinners at the ADA's apartment.

"Not there, Detective." Alex shook her head, before pointing to both her skirt clad upper thighs. "I'm certainly not proud of it, but that was my  _absolute_  rock bottom."

"Does Olivia know all this?"

"Yes, she knows. I told Liv a lot when I initially replaced the ADA that took over from Casey Novak, but eventually told her  _everything_  just a couple of years ago when I replaced another ADA named Sonya Paxton. Olivia didn't think I was crazy, she was more saddened than anything. Olivia would want you to have a friend to help you through this, because she wasn't there for me when I needed it... that's why I made sure you were checked in under a different name. So I know Liv won't think you're crazy for what's happened, alright? The question you need to answer truthfully is: would all this have happened to you if Olivia hadn't been taken?"

Amanda chewed her bottom lip, "Probably not. I was starting to lower my dosages of the pain pills... and you were right, the pain that occurred when lowering the dosage was just as painful as the injury. Then this case came up, and Olivia was taken by him... I started taking the pills because it was easier to deal with that way... and then I started taking more. I'm  _really_  sorry for hurting you, Alex."

"Forget about it, we've  _both_  had worse from bullets, you know. I'm sure you would have hurt me a lot more if you really wanted to." Alex shrugged off the small injury Amanda had caused.

Both blondes sat in silence looking out over the tranquil gardens.

"Thankyou for helping me, I really appreciate it." Amanda turned and hugged Alex.

"Anytime, Amanda. I just wish we could do the same for Olivia and Vanessa now." Alex returned the embrace. "I'm sure you'll keep what I just admitted you to yourself?"

"As long as you don't go around telling people what I did," Amanda negotiated.

Alex smiled, "You've got yourself a deal."

"Hey, didn't Olivia used to have a necklace that looked a bit like that one you're wearing right now?" Amanda raised her own eyebrow at the discovery, as she ended the hug.

"I have no idea what you're implying, Detective Rollins... or should that be  _Richards_?" Alex replied, completely unaware that she was playing with the small rectangular plaque once again.

* * *

"WE BOTH KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU DON'T SAY IT!" Lewis snarled.

Olivia's eye slid over at Lewis crouching over the camp cooker. Once again, her left eye was swollen shut and she was handcuffed to the low back chair.

The Beast's facial bruises were fading, but breaking his nose with her forehead and a swift punch to his left eye when he assumed Olivia had been drugged... completely worth it. It had aggravated the large burn to her right shoulder and resulted in a bruise of her own to her forehead, but the women were given a reprieve from Lewis that day, and several more after Olivia got her period again. Vanessa still hadn't menstruated, but pretended she had a few days Olivia did, after Olivia suggestion to do so, buying even more days peace.

"I know what will happen... but I  _won't_  say it... and that just fucking shits you off... doesn't it?" spat Liv.

Lewis stalked back and forth, running a hand through his hair in total frustration. Why wouldn't she relent like all the others? She couldn't keep this up, could she?

"I'LL KILL YOU! JUST LIKE YOUR PRECIOUS BRIAN... JUST LIKE YOUR SUPER!" The Beast threatened, pulling he gun from the back of his trousers then levelling it at Olivia's body.

"No, you won't. You won't kill me... because I'm worth so much to you alive... you would have already done it by now if I wasn't."

Liv knew what she was about to do would end in torture, but what type of suffering and torment wouldn't be known until after this oft repeated ritual. Each time was different: he used her body as a punching bag; he used her own badge to brand her right scapula; he used scissors to hack of her hair; he used cigarettes to burn her knuckles and toe joints, he used razor blades to slice random lines her calves, biceps and back then sprinkled salt on the open wounds.

And then there was the unknown mental anguish and torture... the assaults that may or may not have occurred while she was unaware.

In all that had happened so far, one thing was for certain, Alex Cabot was Olivia's beacon of light. Her smile, her eyes, her glasses, her secret tattoo, her voice, her strength, her determination, her tenacity, her quick wit, the way she perched on the corner of a certain desk, the way her tongue darted out when she licked her lips, the way she commanded the court room... Olivia focused on every memory she had, everything she could that was the blonde beauty that she loved more than she ever had admitted to when the torture began.

Drifting off to escape into her 'happy place', so to speak.

"You know, Lewis... I've figured you out... yeah... I know it  _frustrates_  you no end... that I  _won't_  give you what you want... it  _torments_  you that I  _won't_  say what you want... you  _crave_  to hear those words... you want me to give you all the power... I think your trousers are getting that little more uncomfortable at the mere thought of all that power... and you need release... you want to hear me  _beg_..."

"BEG, DETECTIVE!

"...You want to hear me  _plead_... just like  _all_  the others... like the one that begged in Alabama... and the one in Maryland... just like Alice Parker back in New York ... and you get off of all that..." Olivia refused to use Vanessa Meyer in the mind game that she was playing with the Beast, it was the only 'protection' she could offer the young defense attorney seeing as she couldn't physically protect her, but the SVU detective had to disassociate herself from all the others.

"SHUT UP AND SAY IT!"

"...That's right... it makes you  _so_  hard just thinking about it... thinking about those words... even right now you're so close... oh so very close... you're right there at the edge... ready to tumble over... you can almost taste... _victory_... and suddenly you're interrupted... Someone walks in on you... your hand is down your boxer shorts... furiously working away..."

"PLEAD FOR ME!"

"...Just a couple more pumps of your hand and you'd be there... but with someone watching you... the moment is lost, the power is gone, and you've been denied... the power that you crave so badly... the overwhelming _embarrassment_  of being refused... that's right, so close... it's just  _too_  awkward to...  _finish off_... you got blue balls for the rest of the day... you're pulsing and throbbing with no release in sight... and that pisses you off so much..."

"BEG ME NOT TO HURT YOU LIKE THE OTHERS!"

"...And your powerless to do anything about it... all because someone didn't do what you wanted... all because I won't do what you want... And Lewis?... we  _both_  know what  _I_  just said...  _ISN'T_  a hypothetical." Olivia threw Lewis' words back at him, remembering how he described what he had done to Alice Parker using that specific term.

It was barely imperceptible in the dimly lit room, but Lewis twitched.

"Yeah... gotcha!" Olivia's mouth quivered into a smirk.

The tables had turned.

The pendulum swung in the detective's favour.

* * *

"Mel?... Honey?... Sweetie?... Babe?... I'm  _horny_... and I wanna have sex on the table _right now_... Melanie?... MEL! "

"Huh?! Wha?!"

"You drifted off there!" Kelly raised an eyebrow, sipping her last of her morning coffee on the other side of the dining table.

"No I didn't!" Mel suddenly downed her entire glass of cranberry juice.

"Honey, you've been staring at the same page of the newspaper for the last 20 minutes... and even  _I_  know you don't find the New York Stock Exchange dividends  _that_  interesting. What's on your mind?  _Please_  talk to me, don't do that silent brooding thing... although, the look on your face when you do it  _is_  adorable."

Melanie started clearing the table of breakfast crockery and cutlery, "If that Luis Wilson guy ever shows up again at the Medical Centre, or if you see him  _anywhere_  in town, can you let me know?"

"My weirdo patient really got to you, hasn't he?"

"Kelly, I trust you with my life. I trust Heather just as much, and Brad's a given. If the 2 most important women in my life  _both_  say they get a weird vibe from some guy in our town, it's my job to make them feel safe. I wouldn't be a good wife, a good best friend or a good sheriff if I don't know who he is. Sure, he might be harmless guy come back to Winthrop, but I  _trust_  your instinct as much as I trust Heather's... maybe even more so! If he made  _your_  skin crawl, then me makes  _my_  skin crawl."

"Heather met him too?!" Kel's jaw dropped.

"I'm not sure. Heather had a late customer the night we went to have dinner with her and Brad. The details about living on the outskirts of town were the same... but he gave a different name to her and it's somewhat similar to the name he gave you. Both times this guy has said he's moved back to Winthrop, and neither name is familiar. Now that's ringing an alarm bell to me. So he either doesn't want people to know who he  _really_  is or he's got  _something_  to hide... maybe even both! And I want to know who and what, and I want to know as soon as possible."

"You're such a cop, and I love you for it!" Kelly pulled her wife into a loving embrace, pressing a soft kiss to Mel's lips.

"Sheriff, and don't you forget it!" Mel returned the kiss.

* * *

Olivia's victory was short lived with a sudden noise breaking the silence.

Light metal on metal. Wire coat hanger perhaps?

Lewis Williams crouched down, and whispered into Olivia's ear.

"Tell me, Detective... Who's Alex?"

The pendulum had swung back.

* * *

Melanie sighed heavily, throwing her pen across the office in frustration. The name Luis Wilson showed up nothing on the station computer, just like Lucas Wilkins. It was as if this guy that Heather and Kelly had encountered, whoever he was, didn't exist. Maybe this guy was just boasting bullshit and he was really just a tourist passing through? But she trusted both Kelly and Heather's word, and as the Sheriff of Winthrop, Mel made it her duty to check until she was satisfied. She had spent many days checking many of the abandoned farms and cabins around Lake Annabessacook and Lake Maranacook. Opening gates, peering in windows, checking farm sheds and barns, eventually crossing most of them off her mental list. Nothing was out of the ordinary and it was getting to her.

"Hey Brad?" Mel called from her office, leaning against the door frame.

"Yyyyyes?" Brad spun around on his chair, quite happy to take a break from tedious paperwork to chat with his sister. Brad didn't mind that he was the Deputy, he already had enough responsibility with his family to worry about.

"Did Heather ever tell you about the new guy living on the outskirts of the town?"

"Nooooo... not that I-... hang on... she did mention some weird guy that came to the store just before closing a while back. She hasn't seen him since then."

"If she does, can she or you let me know?"

"Ok, no problem. Any reason why?"

"Secret Sheriff business," Mel winked. "I just want to meet this guy, don't you?"

"Yeah. I know Heather said his name was-"

Suddenly the rookie officer, Officer Alan Irvine, ran in to the station, "Why wasn't I told about the undercover operation?!"

Sheriff and Deputy exchanged puzzled looks. As the 2 senior members of Winthrop's Sheriff Department, they would be well aware of any undercover operations in their jurisdiction.

"Undercover... operation? What undercover operation?!" Brad piped up.

"He said you'd deny it. I might be a rookie, but I'm an officer of the Sheriff's Department too! I have just as much rights as you do to now about it!"

"Hold on! Back up! What are you talking about?! Start from the beginning!" Melanie rubbed her forehead.

"I was driving on Old Winthrop Rd near Lake Cobbosseecontee to check out that report of a possible stolen boat Deputy Zimmerley told me to do, and I spotted a silver car with no licence plates. I pulled the car over and asked licence and registration... the driver flashes a silver shield at me and says I'm jeopardizing a joint undercover operation currently taking place in regional Maine."

Brad rolled his eyes, "Why on earth didn't you call this in?!"

"He said he was sure all Winthrop officers knew about it! Why don't I know about it?" Officer Irvine asked.

"There  _is no_  undercover operation for crying out loud! And there's only 4 of us in Winthrop! Did you take note of the badge number, or what agency he was claiming to be with or  _something_?" Brad said.

"I think it might have been NYPD? Or maybe it was Pennsylvania Police?"

The Sheriff rolled her eyes, "Oh that's just great...  _fucking_  wonderful! I got a guy impersonating police driving around Winthrop in a civilian vehicle and you don't even check in with your superiors or take note of badge numbers or locations! For all you and we know this guy could have bought the badge off the internet from some prop shop! Geez, how on earth did you manage to graduate the academy, Officer?"

"I got top marks on the range!" Officer Irvine justified.

"Well congratu _fucking_ lations, you can shoot a gun! What about the rest of your basic training, like be aware of your surroundings? Did you manage a barely passable mark at the academy or something? Or were you all excited and disappointed like a puppy that you weren't in on this fake undercover operation? You're in charge Deputy Sheriff Zimmerley... I'm going for a drive!" Melanie grabbed her sheriff's hat and keys to the Ford Expedition patrol vehicle before storming out the station to resume checking around the Lakes of Winthrop, starting along Old Winthrop Rd.

How on earth did they manage to be assigned this incompetent young rookie? Sure Officer Irvine was willing and eager to learn, and very accurate in the firing range, but his common sense was very much lacking.

Brad didn't stop Melanie leaving, he knew she'd take a while to calm down. Only Kelly could calm Mel down easily with small touch, a loving look or a soft smile, and with the salt and pepper haired doctor currently at work, only time in solitude would placate his sister.

"I did manage to get his name, Deputy Sheriff." Officer Irvine offered.

"Thank goodness for that! What was it?"

"He gave his name was Willard Lukin."

Brad typed the name, checking the computer.

Nothing.

Nothing whatsoever.

* * *

Mel was driving along Old Winthrop Rd when she slowed down, then pulled off onto a secluded dirt side road. It was the road that lead to an old dwelling. It was a place where transients could shelter for a short time until they moved on to Augusta back in the old days, and was still in use in the mid 1960's. No-one owned the cabin, nor the land it was built on, it was Maine state property, but it had always been there on the Winthrop/Monmouth township border ever since Nathaniel Zimmerley was a boy, and even then it was old.

Hopping out of the Ford Expedition, Mel popped her hat on and proceeded to look around the outside of the wooden and stone dwelling. It was so peaceful and tranquil out here, overlooking a tiny sliver of Lake Cobbosseecontee. Mel hadn't been out here in years, certainly not since she met Kelly Leonard... but it still looked exactly the same as she remembered it, just a bit more overgrown, and the timber shingles more grey and weathered. This was were she used to come to escape the world while trying to understand why she wasn't attracted to any of the boys in her class or those cute guys on that television show that all the other girls drooled over. Truth be told, she drooled after the girls on that show and couldn't understand why.

She squinted as she peered through the small dirty, dusty window. Alas, it was too dark to see inside, just like all those years ago.

She jiggled the rusty door handle half heartedly, but just like all those years ago, it was still locked tight.

Sheriff Leonard sighed heavily, returning to the patrol vehicle. Maybe she'd show Kelly this place one day? Right now, she had to keep working, looking for this police impersonator and the weird guy. Jumping back in the patrol vehicle, Mel turned the key in the ignition, not bothering to remove her hat from her head. The engine roared to life, then Mel drove away.

* * *

"Hello? HELLO?! HELP! HHHEEELLLPPP! NONONONONO! DON'T LEAVE US! PPPLLLEEEAAASSSEEE! HHHEEELLLPPP!" Vanessa screamed, as she suddenly hearing the sound of a V8 engine starting, and slowly fading away. It was the first time that another vehicle had been heard since their arrival, but how long ago was was still unknown to the two women.

Tears welling in her eyes, Vanessa looked over piteously at the lifeless form of Olivia, passed out from the last round of torture Lewis had subjected her to. She had heard the screams from the detective while she was in the other room of the cabin, and the yelling of Lewis' repeated question. The young defense attorney vowed to keep what she knew about Alex a secret for Olivia's sake, even if it meant enduring torture herself. The two missing women had to protect each other as much as they could, even if they couldn't physically.

* * *

Exiting the Ford Expedition to close the gate to the road entrance to the old dwelling, Mel saw a silver car slow down on the main road.

She took in the driver's appearance in the distance: a male with short dark hair, crooked nose, a charming smile and mirror aviation sunglasses. She noticed the car didn't have licence plate affixed to the front. Was this possibly the guy Officer Irvine had seen earlier?

"Can I help you, sir?" she called out.

"I... ahh... I'm fairly certain that I'm lost! My GPS told me this is the way to Augusta, but I don't think it is. You know how it is, type in the most direct route and it takes you the longest way! I'm on my way to visit a couple of friends of mine!" the man inside the vehicle said.

Mel gave him the directions to get back on the road to Augusta.

"Thankyou, Ma'am! You've been very helpful!" He gave a charming smile.

"Sir, you're missing your licence plate at the front of your vehicle!"

"So I discovered when I stopped for gas back in Portland! I notified the DMV as soon as I became aware of the situation. It must have fallen off while I was driving. I still have one at the back, thankfully."

"Ok then. Drive safely, and enjoy your stay in Maine."

"Oh I  _certainly_  will!" He gave another charming smile and accelerated away.

Melanie checked the rear of the car for a licence plate as the silver car drove away, it was a Connecticut plate. It couldn't be the car Officer Irvine saw.

The man glanced up to the rear view mirror, watching the female slowly recede in the distance, muttering to himself. "Fucking bitch cops... always interfering."

Moving the sunglasses to sit on the top of his head, Lewis Williams glanced down at the large rusty key in the console of the car and laughed heartily. He had to avoid the area for a while, seeing the Sheriff's Department was sniffing around... too close for his liking, and twice in one day. He was so glad he could think fast when problems arose, like when the rookie officer pulled him over. Removing and changing the licence plates on the attorney's car with a number of different ones he'd stolen during his travels posting his envelopes made things a little easier. He never stole both licence plates from similar cars, just a single one to make it look as though it might have fallen off during the unsuspecting car owners own travels.

Right now, it was time to travel and get out of Winthrop for a few more hours.

His 'guests' could stay by themselves a while longer... it wasn't as if they were going anywhere.

Only  _he_  knew where his 'guests' were, and he intended to keep it that way.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter is interesting and might make a lot of readers go through a rollercoaster ride of several different emotions. I've been waiting a while to write it and it's been with my muse for a long time... since before I first read recaps of what happened in 'Her Negotiation', but what happened in the episode was the catalyst that helped give me the nudge to write it. But, the story certainly hasn't finished yet ;-). I'm not a medical doctor, so if I'm wrong, blame Google ;-). And if what my sheriff & officers do is wrong, sorry!

"Hey Kel, have I ever shown you my special spot?" Melanie turned to look at Kelly on the couch during the advertisment break while watching Rizzoli and Isles.

"Sweetie, I know  _exactly_  where your  _special secret spot_  is... and have known for  _quite_ some time!" Kelly raised her eyebrow at that statement, grinning lecherously.

Playfully wrestling with her wife, Mel burst out laughing. "No! Not that! Oh geez... I phrased that question really bad, didn't I?"

"Double entendre, ma femme!" Kelly licked her lips, climbing over and straddling Mel's thigh.

"I know you know where  _that_  particular spot is... and I love it every time you remind me you know where it is," Mel's hands crept under the sides of the doctor's shirt, resting comfortably on Kelly's hips. "What I was _trying_  to ask you is: have I ever shown you the place where I used to go to escape the world when I was trying to understand that I was a lesbian?"

"No, I don't think you have," Kel shook her head, slowly unbuttoning Melanie's uniform shirt.

They shared a long, slow kiss.

"I want to show you. It's really peaceful and serene, and it's not far out of town."

"Well, we both have a few days off coming up soon that crossover ... so how about some time then?" Kelly offered, grinding down on the strong thigh, eliciting a low moan from the sheriff.

"Sounds  _wonderful_.  _Mmmm_... now... how about  _you_  show  _me_ how good you are at finding that  _special secret spot_ you mentioned earlier?" Mel purred, leaning in to claim Kelly's mouth again, guiding the doctor's hand to her belt buckle.

Kelly suddenly climbed off, and scooted back to her side of the couch. "Sorry, can't... Rizzoli and Isles is back on."

"Are you _serious,_ Kel?!" Melanie cried exasperatedly.

"Babe! Angie Harmon  _and_ Sasha Alexander! Now be quiet or we'll miss the lesbian subtext." Kelly patted Mel's thigh piteously.

* * *

"Perfect timing!" Heather called out as Melanie entered the Winthrop General Store. "Can you watch the store for a bit, please? I need to go to the bank and get more change for the register. That old Mrs Coulson came in again and bought a single quart of milk with a $100 bill. I  _really_  wish she'd stop doing that!"

"Haven't you worked it out by now? It's because the store is closer to her than the bank, and she only goes to the bank to get money once a month!" Mel laughed. "Sure, I'll watch the store for you... I have nothing else to do seeing it's my day off today."

"So what are you doing here? Why aren't you putting your feet up or something?"

"I'm getting things ready to surprise Kelly with a picnic to somewhere special tomorrow. So I came to get some of that macadamia and cashew nut mix, those gourmet cheeses and the specialty pear and quince pastes you stock."

"You are  _such_  a romantic!" Heather sighed, then added with a grumble, "I wish your  _brother_  would take a page out of your book once in a while."

"Cut him off for a while, and see how that works!" Mel laughed.

"Ok, there's enough change if anyone comes in, but I just need extra for the safe." Heather gathered what she needed and left for the bank.

Melanie was sitting behind the counter when some time later a man hurried in, grabbing a trolley. "Just gotta to top up the groceries," he called out over his shoulder.

Mel watched him on the closed circuit monitor, grabbing items from all different aisles, then place several female sanitary products in the trolley from aisle 4.

The Sheriff tried not to laugh, not even she and Kelly bought that many when they did grocery shopping. Only one thought entered Mel's mind, 'poor guy'.

He approached the checkout, hurriedly dumping the items on to the counter.

"Just passing through?" Mel tried to strike up a conversation while she scanned the groceries, as he continued to unload his trolley.

"No. Me and my girlfriend... we just moved back to the outskirts of Winthrop. I'm Wilfred Lewins, pleased to meet you." He gave a smile, extending his hand for a handshake, his attention still on unloading his groceries.

Mel knew that certainly wasn't a 'Winthrop' name.

As she went to extend her own hand, Melanie saw the scars on his fingers...

Realisation dawned on Winthrop's Sheriff: This was the weird guy Kelly had patched up at the Medical Centre.

"Sorry, I'm chirophobic. I don't like hands," Mel covered for not shaking his proffered hand.

She took his crooked nose... the charming smile... the weird guy was the lost driver she'd given directions to on Old Winthrop Road near Lake Cobbosseecontee.

"I understand. My girlfriend is agoraphobic. Can't stand to leave the cabin... which is good as I'm able to keep her on a short leash that way." He joked, laughing at his own sick humour. "Sorry, I really shouldn't talk about her like that."

Mel knew for certain now, THIS was the guy both Kelly and Heather had encountered.

He made eye contact with the blonde.

Realisation dawned on Lewis Williams: This was the cop that had been much too close for comfort.

He knew she could be taken care of then and there... the gun was tucked into the back of his jeans.

Or he could play it cool, like he had last time.

"Winthrop's so nice this time of year. Have you lived in town long?" he asked.

"All my life, actually... and I don't think your name is really Wilfred Lewins... so why don't you tell me your  _real_  name?"

He was suddenly backed into an unexpected corner.

He  _needed_  to be in charge.

He  _always_  needed to be in control.

Only two options left: fight or flight.

He whipped out the gun from the back of of his jeans, levelling at the blonde's head. Melanie reached for her weapon on her hip, but today was her day off. She wasn't carrying her service weapon, there wasn't a need to. Mel was staring down the barrel of the gun, her life could end at any moment with the pull of a trigger.

"You  _fucking_  bitch cops are  _always_  interfering! You don't need to know who I am, but I think you'd make a  _lovely_  guest for me."

It made her skin crawl when he looked her up and down lasciviously.

The sound of the shop door sliding open broke the tense silence.

"Hey I didn't expect you to be here, Sheriff!" Officer Alan Irvine said, before he became aware of the situation. He pulled out his service weapon, training at the largest area of the man's body. "PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!"

" _Sheriff_?! Oh that's even better than a  _Police Officer_... or a  _Detective!_ " he moaned lustfully at the thought.

"PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON! PUT IT DOWN! I WILL SHOOT IF YOU DON'T PUT DOWN YOUR WEAPON!"

Lewis pointed the gun at Officer Irvine and pulled the trigger.

Two bullets tore through the air and lodged in his body.

He slumped to the ground, clutching at the blood pouring from his body.

Officer Irvine holstered his service weapon, kicking away the gun that fell from the grasp of Lewis Williams.

"Are you hurt Sheriff?" Alan asked, concerned for his superior's wellbeing.

"I'm fine... I'm good," Mel tried to calm her nerves. She was suddenly very grateful the young rookie officer was an excellent shot, redeeming his lack of experience and knowledge. "Call 911."

Mel rounded the counter and crouched down to Lewis, "Who  _are_  you?! What's your name?!"

"I'm just a nobody... the question... you should... be asking... yourself... Sheriff... is... " Lewis gasped with his few dying breaths, blood pouring from his chest, foamy blood frothing at the corners of his mouth, "... will... you... find... them?..."

The Beast's eyes slid out of focus.

The Beast was no more.

"Find  _them_? Is he talking about his girlfriend? Or does he have more than one?" Mel asked aloud, looking over to Officer Irvine.

Alan shrugged while he talked on the phone.

She grabbed a box of disposable gloves off the store shelf, slipping a pair on. Picking up the gun, Mel saw the safety was still on and the gun's serial numbers were filed off. She checked the pockets of the deceased man. There was no ID on him, just a set of car keys hooked on his belt loop.

Exiting the store, Sheriff Leonard opened the driver's door of the silver car in the car park. She spotted a large rusty key in the console of car. Switching to the passenger side, she opened the glove compartment. The only 3 items were inside. There was an odd looking cylinder key, and a standard hand cuff key. The other item was a folded piece of paper with a crudely drawn map of Winthrop. A small arrow pointing to a particular spot on the map with the words ' _Hobo House_ '.

Hobo House?

Studying the map quickly, Mel understood.

The transient cabin at Lake Cobbosseecontee.

Shit.

She pocketed the 3 keys as Deputy Brad Zimmerley pulled up with the other Winthrop Sheriff Officer in the Ford Expedition. Mel brought him up to speed with what had occurred in the store, knowing the security cameras would have captured everything.

"Come on, Alan... you're with me."

"Shouldn't I stay?" Officer Irvine asked, unsure of protocol. Firing at the range was certainly different to what had just happened.

"Alan? I'm the Sheriff... you come with me. We'll worry about IAB later."

* * *

Pulling up at the transient cabin at Lake Cobbosseecontee, Officer Irvine grabbed 2 torches and followed Sheriff Leonard to the cabin door. The large rusty key fit perfectly in the lock. Mel took a steadying breath, turning the old door handle.

Entering the cabin, light streamed into the dark room through the opened door, and so many things stood out.

A map on the wall with numerous pins in different cities and towns in the North East.

A mattress on the floor.

A small side table with various items on it.

A polaroid type instant camera.

A pair of scissors.

A photo of a brunette woman with ' _She's alive, for now'_ beneath it in distinctive cursive handwriting.

A photo of a red headed woman with the same words.

A pile of blue square envelopes.

An orange cylinder with 'Rohypnol' on the label, some tablets still in the bottle.

A camp cooker on the floor, with pots and a skillet fry pan.

And then there was another door. Was there possibly another room in this cabin?

Sheriff Leonard reached out her hand and slid the bolt across. Slowly pushing open the other door, it creaked on old hinges.

There were a few stone steps down to a dark room. Melanie clicked on the torch and made her way hesitantly down, Officer Irvine following closely.

* * *

The sight they were met with was startling.

Two woman chained to opposite sides of the room. The ones from the photographs.

" _Goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_ " the brunette woman murmured repeatedly like a protective manta, shying away from the bright torch light in the dim room.

Officer Irvine moved suddenly to approach the women to get them out of this hell hole.

" _Goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway_ " the brunette continued.

"Back off, Officer." Mel put her hand out, halting the young rookie from advancing any closer. "I think you should wait for the paramedics, and let them know 2 patients... ok?"

"But -"

"That's an  _order_ , Officer! Wait outside. You did good today Alan... now let me take it from here, alright? Leave me your jacket, though."

The young rookie nodded his understanding and retreated from the cellar, not before passing his jacket to Mel.

Sheriff Leonard waited until Officer Irvine had left the dimly lit room, eyes darting back and forth between both women on opposite walls as she shined her torch slightly towards the ground. She checked the vital signs of the red head clad in a t-shirt and panties. Breathing, but unconscious. The hand cuffs were antique, a cylinder-type key was needed.

The other old key from the glove compartment.

Mel retrieved the key from her pocket and unshackled the red head, then covering her with Officer Irvine's jacket. She turned her attention to the brunette, still shying away from the torch light.

"Ma'am... it's ok... my name is Mel... I'm with the Sheriff's Department ...you're safe now... we're gonna get you out of here," she approached slowly, using a soft soothing voice.

The brunette turned her head slightly towards Mel when she had said 'Sheriff'.

Mel saw the scelara of the brunette's left eye was completely blood red, surrounded by bruised upper and lower eye lids. The Sheriff knew that blood red whites of the eyes could mean a possible retina detachment, having heard Kelly mention it recently, or an eye socket fracture. The woman's vision could certainly be affected. She saw scars littering the arms and legs of the woman chained to the wall. She was clad in only a short sleeve button down shirt and panties. Her left ankle and foot were heavily bruised and swollen. The brunette's greasy hair was different lengths, like most had been chopped off some time ago, similarly with the red head.

"... Al?..." The brunette desperately struggled to focus on the blonde woman crouching down next to her. She reached out a shaky, hesitant hand to lightly touch Mel's cheek, "... told... you... never... cut... your... hair..."

Obviously the brunette was mistaking Mel for someone else, and trying valiantly to stay awake. "My name's Mel, sweetie. Melanie."

Melanie looked down, seeing blood covering the brunette woman's panties, thighs and beneath her on the mattress. That wasn't a good sign. Her heart sank to the pit of her stomach.

"Who did this to you? Stay with me, sweetie. Can you tell me who it was?" The Sheriff fished around for the standard hand cuff key, trying to keep the brown haired woman awake.

"...men..."

" _Men_  did this to you?! Did  _more_  than one man do this? Stay with me now." Mel unlocked the handcuffs from the wall chain. The scars and bruises on both her wrists made it obvious to Melanie that she'd been repeatedly cuffed for some time.

The brunette struggled to form the words, "...men... men...stural..."

"You're menstruating?"

The brunette nodded weakly in agreement.

Wailing emergency sirens were drawing nearer with each passing moment.

"I sure hope so, honey." There was too much blood for the Sheriff's liking. Mel removed her own light jacket to cover the brunette. "What's you're name, honey? Can you tell me you're name?"

"... Liv... I... Liv..."

"That's right honey, you're going to live. We're going to get you and your friend here to the medical centre straight away." Melanie reassured the woman.

The brunette passed out as the sirens approached the cabin. Mel checked, the woman was still breathing. Only one thought was going through Mel's mind: 'Who are you?'

Mel saw Kelly enter the dimly lit room, along with 2 other paramedics a short time later, "What are you doing here?"

"Paramedics were short staffed, so I'm helping. Now tell me what you know." Kelly approached with a medical bag, the paramedics carrying spine boards, thermal blankets and other emergency equipment.

"I don't know either of their names. The red head... she was already unconscious when we entered, but breathing. The brunette... she's bleeding vaginally. She said she's menstruating before she passed out just a short while ago. But I don't know, Kel... the possibility of sexual assault... it can't be ignored. I don't know if they've both been drugged, starved, passed out from exhaustion, or a combination of all three."

Kelly checked over the brunette, "I can't be certain of anything until we get them to the hospital and checked out, so no jumping to conclusions just yet, ok? With that amount of blood... it's a possibility that she's miscarrying. I'll do SOEC kits on both to be sure, though. Now go and wait outside, please."

"But what about-"

" _Sheriff_!" Kelly cut off her wife, "You've done  _your_  job, now let me do  _mine_!"

* * *

Mel was pacing back and forth in the Doctors Lounge of the Medical Centre. Deputy Zimmerley was in charge of searching the transient cabin along with the 2 other Winthrop Officers. A number of Augusta Police Officers were taking care of the crime scene in the General Store. How long since she left the cabin and arrived at the Medical Centre, she had no idea.

"Melanie?" Kelly approached from the door, "There's no signs of recent sexual trauma for either women, but that doesn't mean that haven't been sexually assaulted while they've been there. It will take a few days to get the STI results back."

"Alright... ok." Mel worried her bottom lip. "What about the brunette? Was she miscarrying? Or was she menstruating?"

"Actually, neither. It's what we call a type of 'Breakthrough Bleeding'... Some women bleed, and it can seem to be like their normal menstruation cycle for several months into, or even throughout their entire pregnancy. Not common, but not unheard of either."

"So she  _is_  pregnant?!" Mel rubbed the back of her neck.

"Yes, she's pregnant. The baby seems to be fine. Good strong heartbeat, just like the mother. I can only hazard a guess as to how far along she is with the portable ultrasound seeing she's barely showing at the moment, and it also depends on how well her diet and nutrition's been maintained... and who knows how that's been with these women being in that room? But you know I'm not an OBGYN. We'll have to get one over from Augusta to get a better idea of how far along she is, and do tests."

"She obviously wasn't aware that she's pregnant then."

"Not all women have telltale nausea or cravings, and sometimes it takes quite a while before a woman feels the baby move... so it's quite possible she wasn't aware," Kel explained.

"We still don't know who any of these women are. Or that guy... Oh shit! That sick fuck's the father of the baby!" Mel grimaced at the thought.

"I thought you better see this too. It might help identify the brunette at the very least." Kelly passed her iPhone across to her wife. "I saw it while we were changing her into a hospital gown. It's on her right scapula... like she's been branded with a badge or something."

"Could be a police or sheriff's badge? Geez, I hope she's not one of our own, Kelly. Looks like... is that 4-0-1-5?" Mel studied the screen, before sending a copy to her own phone.

"I think so. She also question mark shape burns to her left scapula and both biceps. I think someone's used the hook of the wire coat hanger for the most of it, and a cigarette for the full stop. She also has burns criss-crossing both the palms and backs of her hands in a large X shape; numerous large cuts to her back, legs and arms, along with cigarette burns scattered all over knuckles, toes, hands, feet and body. Her body's been used like a punching bag. Her left ankle is fractured, as is her eye socket, I'd say repeated or long time assault. I don't think she'll loose sight of her eye, but we won't know the full damage until she regains consciousness. She's in a lot worse shape than the red head, physically. The red head has cigarette and question mark burns as well. Bruises everywhere too. Both women are suffering exhaustion, dehydration and sedation."

"We found Rohypnol in the cabin."

"Hmm... that shouldn't have affected development of the baby. Prolonged sustained use throughout the pregnancy might be different, but I think it will be ok."

"The red head's not pregnant, is she?"

"No, she's not pregnant. More than likely it's just not her time of the month right now, she's having an anovulatory cycle due to intense stress."

"I better go and find out what I can. I'm sure these women have loved ones out there that are desperate to know they're alive. If I find out who these women are, specifically the brunette, I won't tell her contacts that she's pregnant over the phone. I don't think that's the right thing to do."

"I think that's a good idea, Melanie. Maybe wait until they're here... or at the very least wait until  _she_  knows first. I'll inform them seeing I'm her doctor right now."

Mel nodded in agreement. She turned to leave, but suddenly pulled Kelly onto a warm embrace, pressing a soft kiss to the doctor's lips.

Having stared down the barrel of a gun wielded by a lunatic, Melanie needed to let her wife know one thing: "Love you,  _so much_."

"I love you, too." Kelly embraced Mel tighter, "I'm  _really_  sorry for snapping at you earlier at the cabin."

Melanie pulled back, staring lovingly into the green eyes she fell in love with all those years ago, "You were just doing you're job, sweetie. Now, I better go do mine."

* * *

Mel sat down at her office computer in the Winthrop Sheriff's station, clicking on the ViCAP link, opening and accessing the 'Violent Criminal Apprehension Program' website. It was one of only a handful of times Melanie had actually used this particular website in all the years she'd been the Sheriff of Winthrop. A majority of the time she only used the standard Police/Sheriff Check website.

Immediately, she clicked on the Missing Persons/Kidnapping link, bringing up a page of top priority missing persons within the United States of America before she could type anything.

Suddenly, all the blood drained from Melanie Leonard's face as the brunette woman currently in the hospital of Winthrop stared back at the Sheriff through the computer screen. There were no bruises to her face, and her hair was much longer... but it was without a shadow of a doubt the same woman.

Melanie clicked on the photo as Brad called out, "Mel? You here? I think I might have some information that will help identify those women! We found two NYPD badges, an NYPD issue gun and handcuffs in a hidden compartment under the floor!" He eventually entered the office and stood on the opposite side of the desk.

"Already way ahead of you, Brad! The brunette's name is Olivia Benson. She's a Detective with the NYPD Special Vicitms Unit in Manhattan. The red head's name is Vanessa Meyer. She's a defense attorney in Manhattan. Her client's name was Lewis Williams, with a whole bunch of alias' as long as your arm, disregarding the ones he told us. He abducted both women after he was released on bail, and may have contributed to the death of a male NYPD Officer. Oh my god... they've been missing since May 20th!"

"Since  _May_! Oh, fucking hell! That was  _months_  ago!" Brad flipped back the pages of the desk calendar.

Dialing the emergency contact number for Olivia Benson, Mel confirmed off the computer screen what Brad was attempting to work out. "Yeah, they've been missing for the last 128 days!"

At that exact moment in time, it was the afternoon of Wednesday 25th September, 2013.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies in advance if what my Sherrif & Doctor do is wrong, but... you know... you readers are the ones spying in on their private conversations, shhh! ;-). But as before, I make NO apologies WHATSOEVER for the length nor M rating of this chapter for the Alex and Olivia motel morning lady loving ;-).

_**I was dreaming while I drove, the long straight road ahead... Uh-huh, yeah!** _   
_**Could taste your sweet kisses, your arms open wide,** _   
_**This fever for you was just burning me up inside!** _   
**_I drove all night to get to you, is that alright?_ ~  Roy Orbison (I Drove All Night)**

Melanie was silently observing Kelly checking over Olivia from the door way, making notations on different medical charts. The salt and pepper haired doctor had already checked on Vanessa in the next room along.

"I know you're not an OBGYN... but be honest Kelly, how far along do you think she is?" the Sheriff whispered as Kelly exited the doorway.

Doctor Leonard took a deep breath, placing her stethoscope back around her neck and shoulders, "I shouldn't be telling you these things. Doctor/Patient confidentiality."

They made their way back to the Doctor's Lounge, eventually sitting down next to each other with a cup of coffee in hand to continue the conversation in hushed tones.

"Kel, if she's been raped while in that cabin... I need to know. I can't imagine the horrors that these women have been subjected to while in that cellar for all that time. Ok, if it was Heather that was pregnant, how far along would you think?"

The doctor relented, "Maybe 12... 14 weeks by her size."

"Certainly fits within the time frame of the women being abducted."

"What I  _do_  know is that she'll need to have an amniocentesis done relatively soon. At her age, the chances of the baby having Downs, Spina Bifida or other chromosomal problems are increased. That's if she wants to keep the baby at all. Conceived through rape? I can't even..." Doctor Leonard didn't finish the sentence as she placed her cup down on the table.

Mel steered the conversation back to a more easier direction, "Have either of them woken up yet?"

"Vanessa woke up for a few moments and is aware she and Olivia were rescued and are both in the hospital. She said 'thank you', but that's all. Olivia's been drifting in and out of consciousness. I've heard her mumbling the names 'Alex', and what sounded like 'Elle' a couple of times when I've checked on her, but nothing else."

"I can only assume that Elle is a close female friend or relation of hers. But Alex Cabot was listed as one of her emergency contacts. I left a message with him on his voice mail... Urgh! I dislike people that use those computerized voices to make their message greetings, like it's too much to do it themselves! He's probably some over ambitious Manhattan Assistant District Attorney that drives a Maserati and lives on Park Avenue, cutting deals rather than going to trial... pretentious asshole." Melanie placed her coffee cup down a little to loudly.

Kelly raised her eyebrows in surprise at her wife's sudden attitude, "Judgmental much? Alex might be a  _really_  nice guy and care a lot for Olivia, for all we know. Or at the very least, he must mean a lot to Olivia... I doubt he'd be her emergency contact otherwise."

The blonde placed her head in her hands in a mixture of shame and annoyance at her own outburst, "I'm sorry babe. I know I shouldn't take my frustrations out on someone I don't even know! I'm just  _so_  upset that these women were basically under our noses in Winthrop for  _so_  damn long and we didn't know a damn thing about it! And we  _all_  saw the guy! Talked to him even!  _You_  patched him up for crying out loud... and  _I_  gave him directions! If only I'd checked ViCAP earlier-"

"You still wouldn't have known, Melanie."

"Damn it, Kelly! I was  _at_  that cabin!"

"Hey now, you  _can't_  blame yourself for this. Vanessa thanked you for rescuing the both of them, remember? Those women would  _still_  be in that cabin if it weren't for  _you_!  _THAT_  guy is to blame... no-one else, you hear me?  _No-one else_." Kelly rubbed soft, soothing circles with her hand on Melanie's back. "Did you get in touch with any other of their emergency contacts or medical proxies, sweetie?"

"I was able to contact Captain Cragen... that was Olivia's other emergency contact. As for Vanessa, her family are trying to get flights from Ohio as soon as possible."

* * *

Alex tossed her cell phone and charger into her attaché bag in annoyance as she gathered the paperwork at 1 Hogan Place for the impending extradition from New Mexico after a full morning in court. The battery had died some time between lunch and now when she discovered the phone was much more quiet than normal. Damn smartphones. She figured she'd be able to charge it in her Prius, currently in the car park of the 16th Precinct, after she picked up Detective Joe Dumas then over at LaGuardia while they waited for their flight to depart at 6pm that evening. One thing she was glad about as she made her way towards the elevator to catch a taxi to Hell's Kitchen, she had the foresight to pack her overnight bag in the trunk on a whim when she left that morning, rather than having to return back to her apartment as the extradition has still been up in the air at that point in time.

Her routine had been set early on: Alex would leave her apartment, check in with Don Cragen at the 1-6 for any word on Olivia and Vanessa, he would let her know if anything had changed overnight, she would then exit his office, pause a moment at Olivia's desk, then proceed to 1 Hogan or to 60 Centre St for court. Alex would again check in with Don at the end of the day to know if any envelopes had arrived during the day but he would never reveal to her the contents, before returning home to eventually cry herself to sleep while clutching the photograph, knowing Olivia was out there, somewhere.

Definitely not safe, and certainly not warm.

Once a week, Alex would place a fresh bunch a Mixed Zinnias in a vase on Olivia's desk for the squad to remember their missing co-worker. If she was required to stay for any interviews at SVU, Alex commandeered Olivia's desk even though there was an office specifically set aside for both her and Rafael Barba. Nick Amaro raised his eyebrows each time Alex sat at or on Olivia's desk, but said nothing. Neither Don Cragen, John Munch or Odafin Tutuola would bat an eyelid when the blonde was seated there. Joe Dumas didn't seem to worry either, but he would become nonchalantly preoccupied when a certain other ADA walked in to the bullpen.

Only Alex had become aware that Rafael Barba and Joe Dumas knew each other in passing when Barba was previously assigned in Brooklyn, and had become reacquainted at Brian Cassidy's funeral. If anyone else in the squad  _was_  aware, they kept it to themselves. At the time of Brian's funeral, Alex wasn't alert to them knowing each other having left as soon as the service ended, but after seeing Joe approach Rafael as he jogged away from her at Strawberry Fields, she figured it out fairly easily. She didn't pry too much into their budding relationship, but let both men know individually she thought they made a handsome couple. It surprised Alex at how well she worked with Rafael when they did. She had been a little skeptical initially, but Olivia had said to her when they had dinner at the Whitney that Barba reminded the detective of Alex in some respects. He was sassy and quick witted, and commanded the court room similarly to her.

On Tuesday and Saturday afternoons, Alex would visit Amanda Rollins at Bellevue. Amanda had been in the Dual Diagnosis Detox program for 86 days so far and was eligible to leave whenever she wanted to having completed detox successfully, but she had voluntarily chosen to remain until day 100, still trying to come to terms through therapy that she was not responsible for Olivia's disappearance. Bill Harriman visited Amanda with Alex on the odd occasion. Amanda said she didn't know where to begin to repay him for his generosity, his reply to her was to keep doing what she'd been doing so far and complete detox. All the squad had visited Amanda during her stay at one time or another, some more than others. Munch was a regular visitor, knowing how mental illness could be negatively perceived by others having had his ex-wife Gwen and his uncle Andrew valiantly battle those demons. Don, Fin, Rafael also visited as often as they could. Even though they had met only once before, Joe also made time to visit. Nick had visited a couple of times, but trying to raise his daughter and connect with his recently discovered son made it difficult. Casey Novak visited a handful of times seeing she once been engaged to Charlie, a schizophrenic who refused to take his medication.

Casey had joined Alex a few times for dinner, as has Serena Southerlyn, but while Alex went out and enjoyed the company, her heart wasn't really in it because those 'dinner dates' were her and Olivia's 'thing'. In a way, even though they only taken a tiny step towards a relationship, Alex felt in her heart and mind as though she was cheating on the missing detective.

Sunday and any other spare day she had was the day that Alex would spend a few hours at Strawberry Fields. Olivia was never far from her thoughts. Why wouldn't she be? Olivia was her... everything.

She was shaken from her reverie as the taxi pulled up at the curb in front of the 16th precinct and the driver asked for his fare. Alex didn't even remember getting in the taxi, let alone the entire drive over from 1 Hogan Place. She paid her fare, entered the building, then pressed the number on the elevator for the floor that housed Manhattan's SVU.

* * *

Don Cragen put down the telephone in a mixture of stunned silence and overwhelming relief. He grabbed his packed bag from the locker in his office then a few items from his desk drawer.

Alex exited the elevator, approaching Rafael and Joe who were talking about the impending extradition.

"You ready to leave, Detective?"

Joe walked back over to his desk, grabbing is duffel bag. "Let's get going, Cabot!"

"We'll see you guys tomorrow night," John called out, pouring coffee for himself.

Fin and Nick called out their goodbyes from their desks while writing up reports as Cragen entered the bullpen.

"Hold on! Listen up, people! There's been a major change of plan. No arguments!"

Everyone turned to face the SVU Captain.

"As at right now: Barba, you'll be overseeing the extradition from New Mexico with Dumas now..."

Cabot opened her attaché bag on Olivia's desk to give him the associated paperwork. "Now you get to spend the night with your man," whispered Alex out the corner of her mouth to Rafael, who was standing next to her.

Barba tried not to smile as he exchanged a momentary look with Joe.

"...Fin, you're paired up with Amaro now. John, you're now in charge..."

"What, again?! Wonderful." John dead panned.

"... and Cabot, you're with me."

Alex was bewildered. Why on earth would she need to accompany Don? Cragen tossed a keychain and key to Alex which she caught one handed. It only took a moment for the blonde to recognise the Wisconsin State Quarter Keychain as the one she told Olivia to get rid of in the the morning at the motel. The key attached was to Olivia's locker. Realisation dawned instantly, her hand touching the necklace.

Olivia.

A quick look at Don, and a single confirming nod of his head had Alex turning towards the SVU locker room immediately. All the detectives kept a couple of spare sets of clothes in their lockers, just in case. Olivia always kept an overnight bag with 2 spare changes of everything, and bathroom toiletries.

"Olivia's been found alive." Don said simply to the rest of the squad. Everyone started talking over the top of each other, asking the same questions. When? Where? How? What about Lewis?

"Both she and Vanessa Meyer were found about couple of hours ago in a small town near the capital of Maine. Lewis Williams is dead. Shot twice by the Sheriff's Department when he pulled a gun on the Sheriff and tried to shoot a Sheriff Officer. Both Liv and Vanessa are currently unconscious, but stable in the local hospital."

"So why's Cabot going? I'm Liv's partner!" Nick sulked petulantly.

Alex turned on her heel and walked back when she heard that comment. "I expected that kind of response from Elliott Stabler, not you Nick! I'll be going because I'm one of Olivia's medical proxies and emergency contacts. After Elliott retired, I became hers and she became mine!"

She made her way quickly back to the locker room, opening Olivia's locker. Even though the locker hadn't been opened for 4 months, Olivia's scent still lingered on her clothes, and Alex couldn't help but inhale deeply. Exactly as she remembered. Purely Olivia Benson. Packing the bag hastily, Alex also grabbed Olivia's leather jacket knowing it would be much cooler in Maine than New York.

"Where about in Maine is Olivia?" Alex asked, entering the Captain's office.

"Little town called Winthrop just outside the capital. Damn! The earliest available flights to Augusta from anywhere near by isn't until 2am." Cragen looked up from his computer at the ADA.

Checking her watch, it was a little before 4pm now. Alex shook her head, that wasn't good enough. She grabbed her car keys from her skirt pocket, "We'll take my car then."

"It's almost an 6-7 hour drive, Alex!"

"I honestly don't care. Olivia's been gone for 128 days. I am  _NOT_  waiting  _any_  longer than necessary to see her!" Alex might have sounded selfish by that statement, she knew everyone at SVU was worried for Olivia's safety and wellbeing just as much as she was, but certainly not in the way she was. But at that moment in time she didn't care. Olivia was the priority. Olivia was  _her_  priority. "You can wait, but I'm not." Alex said with finality, turning to leave.

"Hold up Alex! Ok, we'll drive to Maine."

"You drive first, if you don't mind. I have to let Cutter know I'll be away for a while." Alex said, tossing Don the car keys, then exiting the office.

"No problem."

"Please don't forgot to let Amanda know Olivia's been found," Alex relayed to John as she stopped at Olivia's desk to grab the detective's overnight bag, waiting for Don to catch up.

"Already sent Fin and Nick over to inform her, Teflon. I'm letting Stabler know right now," he replied, quickly standing to pull the ADA into a one armed hug while dialing numbers on the telephone. "Give Olivia our love, won't you?"

"Absolutely, John."

"And be sure  _you_  give her one of these," Munch placed a quick kiss on Alex's cheek. Cabot saw the glint in his eye and the mischievous grin when he pulled back.

"For whose benefit? Or did you finally find a reason to kiss me?"

"That's up to you to decide. But just make sure  _you_  give it to her... however  _you_  see fit!" the Sergeant said with a laugh. "... Oh hey Kathy... it's John Munch..."

Both the Captain and ADA made made their way from the elevator to the car park. Alex was even more grateful for packing her overnight bag, now being able to get to Maine even faster. Plugging in her phone into the car charger, a strong wave of relief washed over Alex as she checked her voice mail just before contacting Mike Cutter, she  _had_  received a call from a Sheriff Mel Leonard informing her Olivia had been found. The Sheriff was very vague with the details of Olivia's condition apart from currently unconscious, but stable. Alex programmed the GPS for Winthrop as Don exited the car park, making idle chit-chat with the Captain. He had received pretty much the exact same information as Alex had on her voice mail.

As New York state receded in the background, Alex absentmindedly toyed with the keychain, her mind wandering back to the early morning at the motel...

* * *

_"...Alex..."_

She was woken to the sound of her name being murmured near her ear, Alex's eyes drifted in to focus on the red numbers illuminating the motel bedside clock.

3.14am

_"...Alex..."_

"Hmm?" Alex tried to move and roll over and face Olivia, but the brunette's hold around her waist wouldn't waiver. They had barely moved from their original positions all night.

_"...Alex..."_

"Liv?"

_"...Alex..."_

"What is it? Is something wrong?" the blonde whispered.

Alex was beginning to panic, her eyes darting around the dark motel room. Was her life in danger? Was it Liam Connors or someone associated with Cesar Velez? She tried to stay calm, Olivia was with her for this very reason tonight.

A soft noise of pure contentment sounded from Olivia's throat as she snuggled closer to Alex's back.

_"...mmm...Alex..."_

Eventually relaxing, a small smile curled the corners of Alex's mouth when she realised Olivia suffered from a form of parasomnia.

Somniloquy.

Olivia Benson was a sleep talker.

_"...this...Alex...Mom..."_

Alex never had the privilege to meet Serena Benson before she passed away. It was after the accident that Olivia slowly opened up to Alex about her childhood. Alex, eventually in time, told Olivia about loosing her father when she was around the age of 13.

Liv moved her arm around the blonde's torso, protectively yet possessively pulling Alex even closer to the detective's body. Alex didn't object to having Olivia hold her this way. It was quite comforting to the blonde, as a matter of fact.

_"...El...Kath...Alex...mine..."_

"Yes, Liv. Yours. No-one elses."

_"...Alex..."_

_"...love...you...Alex..."_

Tears suddenly threatened to fall from Alex's eyes at the surprisingly intimate, yet unguarded revelations from the brunette. Would Olivia remember this conversation whatsoever? In a few hours time she would be testifying at the trial of Liam Connors, then would be taken to a completely different motel to see Bill Harriman. With Olivia unaware in her half asleep state and with the possibility of never seeing the detective again, this was perhaps Alex's only chance to finally tell the truth out aloud. Even if Olivia would never  _know_  the truth.

"I-I love you too, Olivia."

_"...long...time...Alex..."_

"Yes Olivia... I've loved you for a  _very, very_  long time."

_"...me...too..."_

Silence descended on the motel room again for a short while.

_"...Alex..."_

_"...El...Alex...alive..."_

"That's right, Liv. I'm alive because of you."

_"...Alex..."_

_"...Alex..."_

"Yeah?"

_"...you...marry...me..."_

Alex's breath hitched. She was instantly torn, she didn't know what to do. In her heart, she would say 'yes' without a moments hesitation, but her head said it was the wrong thing to say right now if Olivia remembered  _any_ part of this, as was saying 'no' outright.

She settled on her response.

"One day, Liv. One day."

_"...Alex...promise..."_

"I promise, Olivia."

Her heart ached. She had made promises to Olivia already that she didn't know if she'd be able to make them happen, and this promise was truthfully the most heartbreaking of all, even if Olivia wasn't consciously aware of it.

Closing her eyes, Alex was starting to drift off from the silence when Olivia started mumbling again.

_"...Alex..."_

_"...Alex..."_

"Yes, Liv?"

_"...Alex...stay..."_

Tears finally escaped Alex's eyes, silently sliding down on to the pillow. The pain was too much to keep inside any more.

"I really wish I could, Olivia. You know that. But you'll  _always_  be with me. You don't know this Liv, but you hold my heart. You have since I first met you."

_"...protect...Alex...always..."_

"I know Liv, I know you will."

Another brief silence was broken.

_"...Alex...safe...now...El..."_

"I'm always safe with you, Olivia."

_"...Alex...with...me..."_

Olivia sighed contently, moving her hand lower to delicately cup Alex's centre.

_"...my...Alex..."_

"Your Alex," the blonde affirmed.

_"...Alex..."_

The New York motel room was silent once again.

The ex-ADA gave her own contented sigh placing her own hand on top of Olivia's, slowly drifting back to sleep.

* * *

Don shook Alex's shoulder lightly as he unbuckled his safety belt, "Alex?... Alex?..."

"Hmm? Wh-why are we stopped? Are we there already?" Alex rubbed away the sleep from her eyes, the keychain firmly still in her grasp. She rarely fell asleep while travelling, but very rarely was Alex Cabot the vehicle passenger.

"I know you'd want to keep driving to get to Olivia, but Maine is still about 3 hours away..."

Alex looked down at her watch, it was only just after 7pm.

"...and neither of us would have eaten since lunchtime. I also think a bathroom break would be a good idea... as would more gas."

The ADA was about to protest, when Don added "I'm sure Olivia would want us to be driving sensibly, don't you? She wouldn't want us causing an accident due to fatigue or something."

Alex acquiesced.

After eating dinner at the roadside diner for a good half an hour break, and grabbing a large coffee to go, Alex took over as driver. It wasn't long before Cragen was dozing in the passenger seat. Alex returned to the morning at the motel, the Wisconsin State Quarter keychain now in the console of the car as she took a sip of her coffee, now residing in her thermal travel mug...

* * *

The aroma of freshly brewed coffee was what woke Alex from her slumber. A steaming ceramic mug placed next to the motel clock, reading 6.15am.

Sitting up, Alex stretched languidly. The bed sheets pooling around her waist, she ran her fingers through her hair trying to tame her golden tresses, finally reaching for a swig of caffeine goodness.

"Thankyou," she indicated the coffee.

From across the room a currently very loosely robed Olivia called out as she unloaded the recently arrived breakfast trolley, "No problem... nice bedhead, Alex."

Replacing the mug on the bedside table, a nude Alex proceeded to the bathroom not before retorting over her shoulder, "Nice sleep talking, Liv. Very interesting indeed!"

Several items of cutlery suddenly crashed on to the dining table.

"Oh?! Wha-what did I say?" The detective was trying to sound quite nonchalant, but there was a minute hint of panic in her voice.

It was clear to Alex that Olivia didn't remember anything of what she'd said a few hours earlier, but couldn't help milking the situation a little longer as she reentered the motel room, "Now, that wouldn't be fair to reveal such intimate details of the a private conversation with a sleeping Olivia to an awake Olivia!"

" _Conversation_?!" The blush began to spread on a now very much naked Olivia's face and chest, walking away from the dining table back toward the bed.

"You're an adorable conversationalist in your sleep!" Alex laughed, reaching out a hand to stop Liv.

Overwhelmingly embarrassed, Olivia crawled face first on to the bed, burying her head in the pillows. Alex could see she'd probably pushed too far. "Hey, I didn't mean to upset you, Olivia. You didn't say anything bad or rude, it was just unexpectedly cute." Alex crawled back on to the bed, eventually setting to lay on top of Olivia's back. Pressing a soft kiss to the back of Olivia's neck, Alex ran a comforting hand up and down Olivia's side, from lightly brushing the outer swell of the brunette's breast down to the swell of her hip then back again. Lying there like they were right then felt so right.

"Alex, I haven't really done anything like that since I was a child, and never a conversation! I used to just say Mommy or Mom a couple of times during the night."

"Liv, if it makes you feel any better... I used to wet the bed, until I was 8 years old. Now you know something embarrassing about me. But don't you  _dare_  tell anyone!"

Olivia peered back over her shoulder, "At least your not still doing it!"

Alex dramatically downplayed Liv's sleep talking to placate the brunette, and perhaps help Olivia forget her embarrassment. "You weren't so much talking, as mumbling... nonsense words really... and I much prefer that than to men snoring," she looked deeply into brown eyes, snaking hand around to cup the breast fully, pinching and rolling Olivia's nipple before pressing her mouth to the detective's lips. Their mouths and tongues refamiliarising themselves, "Perhaps... maybe it was because of the certain company you had last night?"

"Jack Hammond? Noooo, I much more enjoy the company I have now," Olivia gently tugged on Alex's lower lip, eliciting a moan from the blonde.

Alex's hand still tenderly kneading Olivia's breast, "Flattery  _and_  flirting... I like that Detective Benson."

The ex-ADA shifted, pressing her knee between the back of Olivia's legs, opening her up as Alex began grinding down on the back of Liv's thigh. Olivia's head fell forward and to the side while Alex scattered kisses, licks and bruising but gentle bites on tanned back, neck and shoulders, marking several spots. Eventually the blonde made her way to that sweet spot on Olivia's neck, drawing out a low moan of unadulterated arousal. Olivia lifted her hip up marginally allowing Alex access to cup her core, before setting back down on Alex's hand and fingers.

"We... we're su-supposed to...  _mmm_... be having... break...fast... and g-getting... you ready... for court," panted Liv, grinding down wantonly on Alex's hand.

" _SHHhhh_... breakfast... and court... later...  _mmm_... this now," Alex gasped. She could feel the wetness from Olivia gathering on her hand, her own wetness slicking on Liv's thigh. As she ground down harder on Olivia's thigh, she slowly slid her middle finger between Liv's folds, brushing on the bundle of nerves allowing Olivia to spiral higher each time the brunette ground down. This was their last opportunity to be together, possibly ever. "Want... you... again."

"Me too... but... face to face... Alex." Olivia negotiated, reluctantly slowing her grinding thrusts.

"Uh-huh... " Alex let out a shaky breath, also slowing her hips.

Both women took a few moments to cool down and pull back from falling over the edge of ecstasy. Slowly, Alex rose up off Olivia's back to kneel upright on the bed as Olivia turned over then mirrored Alex's kneeling position. Liv's eyes darted downward as she shimmied closer to Alex, a shadow of smug pride ghosted over the detective features as she zeroed in on the now very purple bruise under the peace tattoo on the blonde's lower hip. Then even more when she saw Alex's clitoris peeking out ever so slightly from swollen folds, but the SVU detective was just as aroused.

Olivia pulled Alex closer into a tender embrace, which the ex-ADA reciprocated. Hands languidly caressing, stroking and exploring now familiar terrain. Both pulled back slightly, staring lustfully onto the others eyes, then watched the other's tongue dart out to moisten their lips in anticipation. They were only mere inches away from closing the small gap between them, each could feel the other's breath warming their face, waiting for the other to make the move. This was their moment to cherish, no-one and nothing else mattered.

No work.

No Wit Sec.

No perps.

No court.

Just Alex Cabot and Olivia Benson.

Both women moved forward, finally closing the small gap between them. Tongues and mouthes swirling, gliding and moving together. Even though they had only a short time left together in the private cocoon of this motel room, they refused to hurry this sensual dance. Olivia smiled into the current kiss when she brushed her hand over Alex's abdomen, feeling it tremble and quiver once more. Alex placed her hand on top of Liv's, guiding it lazily but purposely down through her wet, swollen folds to her opening.

"Not yet," Alex pleaded breathlessly before Olivia could slide any fingers inside. "Wait for me."

Olivia nodded her comprehension, waiting for Alex to position herself the same way.

Simultaneously, they slid inside the other as their mouthes came together, battling for dominance. The duel sensation of filling and being filled at once, glorious. Beginning a slow curling and scissoring rhythm to find that oh so wonderful spot in their front walls, palms slapping and massaging clits, breasts and nipples brushing together, building the pace faster and becoming more frenzied with each thrust. Eventually breaking apart for air, Olivia crept her mouth to Alex's neck, suckling gently on the pulse point, finally sending Alex crashing over the edge. The brunette followed a moment later, as she felt Alex's warm sheath of clinging muscles desperately and greedily trying to swallow her digits even further inside. Neither women bothering to stifle their noises of pure ecstasy as they came in synchronicity, each holding on to the other for dear life, eventually collapsing back on to the bed. Alex atop Olivia.

Long moments passed by as they eventually pieced themselves back together to the here and now.

Alex smiled demurely, licking her fingers of Olivia's essence after she removed them. Olivia copied, savouring the highly intimate moment in more ways than one, then claimed the blonde's mouth once again. Each of their own arousals mixing together to create a unique intoxicating taste that was purely them.

"Breakfast now," Olivia unwillingly ended the kiss, but not the embrace.

"I thought we just did," Alex smirked, waggling her eyebrows.

"I'm sure that's  _dessert_."

"I think I like this version better."

"You and me both."

Olivia's cell phone rang, immediately breaking the bubble. As she scrambled to answer it, Alex grabbed a robe off the floor from the night before, slipping it on loosely as she reentered the bathroom to wash her hands.

"That was El. He said he's leaving Queens a little earlier because traffic's a nightmare already. He'll still be here by 8, he just wanted to give me a heads up," Olivia explained from the bathroom door, slipping on her robe again, then also washed her hands.

"That's nice... just like this  _thing_ , Liv!" Alex indicated the red mark on her neck, exiting the bathroom.

Olivia cringed, "I didn't think it would mark  _that_  bad! It should fade a lot by the end of the day. You're lucky it's not a bruise!"

Opening her small overnight bag, Alex began rummaging through the contents, "At least your marks I gave you are easily covered by the clothes you intend to wear!"

"Can't you cover it with makeup?"

"It'll look too obvious! I was going to wear a really nice plum coloured V front blouse with a red skirt, but now I'm going to have to wear a turtleneck! Urgh, I packed an ugly turtleneck in this bag. My other bag is with the Marshals for the new motel tonight!"

"You'll make it work. You're Alexandra Cabot remember. You could wear a... plastic garbage bag or... a potato sack and still look breathtaking," Olivia stated honestly.

Alex layed out the turtleneck and skirt on the bed to see how well they went together. Not that bad, but the plum blouse would have been so much better. Smoothing a hand over the skirt, Alex felt something odd in one of the front pockets. Puzzled, she unbuttoned the pocket and closed her hand around something metal and cold.

"Ah, so  _that's_  where the spare set of house keys were. I was sure I'd lost them. Better give them back to Hammond before court this morning," Alex struggled to removed the keys from the split ring attached to the keychain. Olivia grabbed them from her, eventually removing the all keys. Alex took the keys, then tossed keychain in the empty little trash can in the motel room.

"What are you doing?!" Olivia fished the keychain back out.

"Liv, it's a Wisconsin keychain. I can't have it anymore, I'll be getting a new identity remember. I... ahh... I initially bought it in a deluded attempt to remind me that I'm still a Cabot when I first arrived there."

Olivia looked over the keychain again, "It's got a cow head, a corn cob and a wheel of cheese on it. I don't understand."

"It's utterly absurd because I don't even like it... but... Cabot Cheese."

Liv tried not to laugh, but failed.

"I  _told_  you it was absurd. Now get rid of it!"

Alex went to snatch the keychain out of Olivia's hand, but Liv batted her hand away.

" _No!_  I... ahh... need a new keychain for my... spare locker key, yeah... so... this will save me buying a new one." Olivia justified, stashing the keychain in her own overnight bag.

Alex rolled her eyes at the lame excuse, "You'd  _better_  throw that out!"

"Yes, ok! I'll get rid of it  _just for you_! Breakfast, NOW!" Olivia directed Alex away from her bag and over to dining table.

After breakfast and showering separately, Olivia gathered up her badge and gun from the lamp table. Both her and Alex's overnight bags near the motel door. Elliott Stabler would be here soon. She noticed Alex pacing the motel room, lost in her own thoughts.

"Now if I don't get to tell you this in private later, I'll tell you now. Number one: don't forget to act surprised when I leave as soon as the trial is over. And number two: Olivia... thankyou." Alex stopped pacing and turned to face the detective. She rapidly blinked away the tears threatening to fall. Her emotions were all over the place.

"What for?" Liv intwined her hand in Alex's, feeling the warmth and softness of it.

"For reminding me that no matter what happens in court with this trial, and no matter who I will become when I return to Wit Sec... that I still  _am_  Alex Cabot  _in here_ ," she used the words Olivia had said to her barely 12 hours previous, taking Olivia's hand to place it again over her heart and breast.

Hesitantly moving her other hand to cup Alex's cheek, Olivia softly pressed her lips to Alex's once more. Slowly backing Alex up against the motel door, the detective continued to claim the lips of the woman against the door for one final time. Long moments passed, the kiss deepening as the seconds ticked by.

A sharp knock to the door halted any further progress. Elliott Stabler had arrived. Their time alone was at an end. Breaking apart, both women rested their foreheads together, taking a few calming breaths before untangling themselves and moving away from the door, not wanting Elliott to know they were so close.

"Just a minute," Olivia called out. Her gun at the ready, just in case.

Taking a few moments to make sure it looked as though nothing was out of the ordinary, straightening clothes and hair, Alex sat down at the dining table as Olivia opened the door.

"Hey Liv. Hey Alex. Ready for court?"

Alex shared a look with Olivia. The information the detective had secretly given her last night still fresh in her mind.

"Ready as I'll ever be," Alex said with conviction...

* * *

The flow of traffic had suddenly slowed to a stop just outside Lewiston, Maine.

By the information on the GPS, Alex knew she was so close, and yet still so far from the destination. She wanted to thump the steering wheel and rage at the world for being delayed getting to Olivia right now.

After an hour of waiting in the car, the traffic began to crawl again at almost midnight.

Cragen awoke as the Prius finally neared what was causing the delay.

Emergency vehicle sirens.

Flashing blue, white and red lights.

Mangled wreakage everywhere in both directions.

A terrible 4 car pile up.

Bodies strewn over the road now covered in sheets.

She proceeded with caution past the accident, following the Traffic Police Officer's directions.

At that moment, Alex knew that whoever's family and loved ones those people belonged to had been irreversibly changed forever.

**_No one can move me the way that you do,_ **   
**_Nothing erases this feeling between me and you!_ **   
**_I drove all night to get to you, is that all right?_  ~ Roy Orbison (I Drove All Night)**

* * *

**End Note:** Yes I am well aware that Cyndi Lauper sings that song, so does Celine Dion. It was written for Roy Orbison, and he recorded it first. His version was released posthumously, and is a much more haunting version than the others. It's his version I think best suits the story :-) 


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know! You were all expecting an Alex and Olivia reunion last chapter. Trust me, I had initially planned it to be, but seeing I basically skipped from day 42 (July 1st) to day 128 (September 25th) of Olivia missing from Alex's perspective (with a day of Alex visiting Amanda, about a week or 2 after her rehab began) I believe a catch up chapter was warranted. I promise this IS the chapter our lovely ladies reunite, lots of dialogue and perhaps there might be a tear shed? Apologies in advance if any medical stuff is incorrect. I'm not a medical professional, I'm only using Google.

_**Tears stream down your face,** _   
_**When you lose something you cannot replace.** _   
_**Tears stream down your face,** _   
_**And I...** _ **~** **Coldplay (Fix You)**

Don Cragen sadly shook his head in regret at the total carnage on the road as the Prius slowly passed by, "Probably speeding... drunk... or they fell asleep at the wheel."

He had seen enough bodies being pulled from cars when he was a Police Officer not long out of the academy to know the statistics of driving at night.

Alex was now grateful that she and Don had taken a break to reduce fatigue a few hours previous.

"Those people's families...their lives will  _never_  be the same again," the ADA said with sad sigh as they drove through Lewiston heading for Winthrop.

Fateful words.

How little did Alex know that both her and Olivia's lives had also changed forever.

* * *

Pulling in to the car park at the Winthrop Medical Centre, Alex took a moment to prepare herself mentally. She glanced at her watch, it was just a couple of minutes until it ticked over to September 26th. She was  _finally_ going to see Olivia after all this time.

Entering the small hospital, Cragen pulled out his shield at the Nurses station. "I'm Captain Donald Cragen with the NYPD's SVU. I've been informed that Olivia Benson was rescued from a cabin not far out of Winthrop and is currently here as a patient... and that I need to speak to a Sheriff Leonard. We're Detective Benson's emergency contacts and medical proxies." Don indicated himself and Alex.

"Ok, Captain. If you could just wait here and I'll go get the Doctor and the Sheriff for you," the female nurse said, not before studying the shield carefully.

The on-duty nurse made her way to the Doctor's Lounge, popping her head around the corner. Both Kelly and Mel were on the lounge sitting closely to each other. Kelly wide awake, Mel was resting her head on Kelly's shoulder, her eyes closed.

"Doctor Leonard? There's a Captain Donald Cragen at the Nurse's station asking for the Sheriff. He says he's Ms Benson's medical proxy. And there's a blonde haired woman with him too."

"Thankyou, Beverley. We'll be there in a moment." Kelly replied.

As the nurse left, Kelly patted Mel on the leg to wake her up. "Honey, Captain Cragen's here for Olivia. Looks like Elle is too."

Mel yawned and stretched, "Oh, so Alex didn't show up? Maybe he  _is_  a pretentious asshole. I'd drop everything to get to someone who had listed me as  _their_ medical proxy!"

"That's because we're each others medical and emergency contacts, babe. I know you'd drop everything to get to me, and I'd do the same for you. Maybe Alex is working, or hasn't been able to get a flight out yet. I'm sure he'll get here as soon as he can." Kelly pressed a quick kiss to Mel's lips before they exited the Doctors Lounge. Kelly and Melanie approached the Nurses Station side by side.

"Ah Captain Cragen, I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard..." she extended her hand to shake the Captain's, "... this is Sheriff Melanie Leonard, my wife..." more handshakes were exchanged, "... and I presume you must be Elle."

Alex shook the hand of Dr Leonard, but raised her eyebrows at the unexpected presumption. "El?! Why would you presume I'm El? I'm Alex Cabot, I'm listed as one of Olivia Benson's emergency contacts. I was left a message on my voice mail by Sheriff Leonard even!"

Kel raised her own eyebrows in utter surprise, "I'm  _so_  sorry. I had been led to believe that Alex was a  _man_." The doctor threw a look in Mel's direction as the shaggy pixie cut blonde rubbed the back of her neck, purposely avoiding eye contact with both Kelly and Alex.

"I can assure you I'm most certainly not. And if you think that El is a woman, I'm not  _quite_  sure the 6ft ex-Marine father of 5 named Elliott would appreciate  _that_  assumption!" Alex laughed lightly as Cragen chuckled, shaking his head no.

"Yes well, we all know the saying about when you  _assume_ ," Kelly turned and gave Melanie another pointed stare, the Sheriff had the decency to cringe and blush.

Alex studied the current interaction between Kelly and Melanie, then directed her comment to the salt and pepper haired doctor. "Ah,  _you_  have one that jumps to conclusions too."

"You could say that!" Kel laughed.

"Reminds me a lot like Olivia... maybe it's a cop thing?" Alex winked. She could tell she was certainly going to get on well with the doctor.

"I think you might be right," the doctor nodded in agreement.

"Hey!" Don and Mel retorted in unision, which caused Kelly and Alex to laugh more.

"Dare I say, I rest my case?" Alex offered.

"And  _that_  sounds very much like a  _lawyer_  thing," Mel retorted quietly, folding her arms defensively.

"So aren't you glad Alex works for the prosecution and not the defense then!" Don chipped in. "I'm still trying to work out why you assumed Alex was called El?"

"Olivia was saying the names 'Alex' and 'El' while she's been in and out of consciousness... you know what,  _Mel_  can explain her presumptions if she'd like. But knowing my wife, she's too embarrassed already! Aww, and I think we've made her even more flustered." Kelly grinned, patting Mel on the arm piteously.

Alex didn't worry that Mel had made the assumption that she was a man, Mel wasn't the first and Alex knew Mel wouldn't be the last. Alex didn't bother to supress her smile, "Liv  _still_  says my name in her sleep."

"So you and Olivia are...?" Mel enquired, trying to direct the focus away from herself.

"Complicated." Alex turned to look at Mel, "Thankyou for finding her and rescuing her... both of them, actually. We  _really_  need to see her now."

"As I said, she's been in and out of consciousness since she arrived. She may be awake, but don't be surprised if she's not. Alex, if she  _is_  awake, be prepared... the scelara of her left eye, that's the white part, is completely red. It can be a bit shocking when you see it for the first time, so there's no need to panic. It's most likely a subconjunctival hemorrhage due to repeated assult to the left eye socket, but we can't rule out a retinal tear or detachment completely until we speak to Olivia and she says if her vision is affected."

Alex turned to Don, but he waved her away. "No, you go ahead."

"But what about-"

"Alex, trust me.  _You_  go first. I know how much Olivia means to you, and how much these last few months have been for you. I'll be there in a little while."

"Thankyou," Alex nodded her appreciation to Cragen.

As Alex headed towards Olivia after being pointed to the room a few doors away in one direction, Kelly and Mel lead Don to the Doctors Lounge a few doors in the opposite direction for coffee. Sitting at the table, Mel explained what had happened with Lewis. The false identities, the lies, what happened in the General Store, and the cabin. Kelly explained to Don all of the injuries that Olivia had suffered at the hands of the Beast. The fractures, the burns, the bruises.

Cragen studied Dr Leonard, "But there's something else, isn't there? Something you're holding back? I'm a detective, remember."

Kelly took a few moments to think how to best explain the situation without being to specific or graphic, "When we did full blood work on Olivia, we discovered something. There are still a few things to confirm but I honestly believe it's in the interest of the patient that I inform  _her_  first, before I say too much more."

Don visibly paled, "Is it cancer?!"

"I'm not saying that. I'm sorry for being so vague Captain Cragen, I know you're one of her medical proxies. But like I said, I think it's in Olivia's best interest that I inform  _her_  first before I reveal anything further. I can assure you it's not life threatening."

* * *

Alex Cabot walked quickly and confidently to the small hospital room door, but as soon as she stepped through the doorway, all the confidence left her. A sudden myriad of 'What Ifs?' she had ignored for the last 128 days bombarded her mind as she looked at the brunette in the bed. The soft glow from the long fluorescent tube on the wall behind the bed, the only source of light in the room. Warily, Alex moved closer as she unconsciously adjusted her black framed glasses and ran a hand through her hair. She stood on Olivia's right side looking down at the woman that she loved, propped up in a standard Fowler's position, the guard rails down on the hospital bed.

Olivia looked so peaceful in her pastel blue hospital gown, the bed sheets folded down at her waist. The blonde watched Liv's chest rhythmically rise and fall with each breath, her eyes darting back and forth behind closed eyelids. Alex desperately wanted to see those brown eyes again. The only sound to be heard was the constant beeping of the pulse monitor.

Alex surveyed Olivia's prone form. An IV drip inserted and taped to her left mid-forearm attached to 2 IV bags, the pulse monitor sensor attached to her left index finger, the hospital ID wristband attached loosely to her right wrist. Both the palms and backs of her hands were wrapped with bandage gauze with her fingers and thumbs peeking out. There was noticeable bruising and scarring around her wrists. Her forearms and the uncovered part of her biceps were pockmarked with scattered cigarette burns in various stages of healing... some were covered, freshly blistered, scabbed over, or healing pink. Random straight cut lines here and there also in various stages of healing. Her face looked normal, bar the jagged laceration scar on the middle of her forehead, and swollen bruised left eye socket was a multitude of blue, purple, green and yellow hues.

Her hair looked clean, but lacked its usual lustre. Alex figured they'd probably used one of those dry shampoos or hospital wash caps to clean it for Olivia. Also, it was different lengths. Much shorter at back, just sitting a little off her her shoulder, the front around her face still long... even longer than Alex remembered the last time she saw Olivia. Those long tendrils of hair now hooked behind her ears to keep them back. A real haircut would be required later.

Liv's left leg was slightly elevated, looking a little bulky. Perhaps her leg had been injured?

Tears welling in her eyes, Alex cautiously reached a trembling right hand out to lightly cradle Olivia's left cheek, fearing that this was all a cruel dream and that the woman currently lying in the bed would disappear in a cloud of magician's smoke.

Soft.

Warm.

Just as she remembered.

Olivia stirred ever so slightly, but didn't wake.

With a featherlight touch, Alex traced her thumb back and forth along Olivia's lips. She wanted to press her own lips to them as soon as she possibly could. Cautiously, she moved her hand from the cheek to rest it over Olivia's breast. Even though the beeping of the pulse monitor told Alex blood was pumping and she could see the detective was breathing, she needed reaffirm it in her own mind. She needed to feel Olivia's chest rise and fall. She needed to feel Liv's heartbeat.

Strong.

Steady.

She trailed her hand down to Olivia's right hand, placing her hand against the bandage, palm to palm, rubbing small circles on the back of Liv's bandaged hand with her thumb. She gasped in shock when Olivia's hand clamped harshly and agonisingly tight around hers.

Was Olivia aware?

Was it a reflex action?

Or was it something else?

Alex held her breath and waited as Olivia quickly relaxed her grip, then gently squeezed Alex's hand again, almost lovingly.

Olivia Benson's eyelids fluttered opened. Turning her head, she struggled to focus her eyes, her voice barely audible. "Alex?"

"Olivia!" Alex inhaled sharply at the immediate shock of seeing the white of Liv's left eye completely blood red, before taking a moment to compose herself. Even though she was warned by Doctor Leonard, it was still very confronting to see Olivia injured like that.

Blinking then squinting her eyes several times, her vision finally focused on the blonde ADA. The light in the room, even though it wasn't harsh, was brighter than she'd been accustomed to in recent times. "It... really... you?" Her voice was scratchy and croaky now.

"It's me, Liv."

The corners of Olivia's mouth curled, her body relaxing as she sighed with relief. She gently squeezed Alex's hand again, "Thank... goodness."

The short silence was broken by Olivia, "I... thirsty."

Alex reluctantly let Liv's hand go, quickly pouring some water from the water jug on the bedside table into the plastic cup as Olivia gradually sat up a little straighter. Holding the cup in one hand, she adjusting the straw with the other to allow Olivia to take some sips. Taking her time while drinking, Olivia openly studied Alex, relishing the beauty she hadn't seen in... she had no idea how long she and Vanessa had been in that room. Those beautiful blue eyes, the patrician features, those black framed glasses, her pale skin, her soft lips, the golden hair that framed her face just so.

Perfection.

Lightly smacking her lips a few times, her tongue darted out to moisten her lips further.

"Thankyou." The detective's voice was a lot stronger after having the small drink, "Your hair... it's long."

Puzzled at the odd statement of fact, Alex replied with a smile. "Of course it's long, you told me not to cut it some time ago."

If Olivia wanted to talk about hair right now, they'd talk about hair. She knew asking about Liv's ordeal in that cabin right now wasn't exactly a natural icebreaker and wouldn't push the subject. Olivia would open up about it when the detective was ready to do so.

"I really like it long on you," Liv smiled coyly, but then sighed heavily. "I need a haircut. So does 'Nessa. I actually wanted to get one before..." Olivia let the sentence hang, her eyes wandering the hospital room.

"We'll get you one as soon as we can. Vanessa as well," affirmed Alex, her eyes finally meeting Olivia's again.

Olivia motioned lazily for Alex to sit on the edge of the hospital bed The ADA was about to object, but did so when Liv said three words: "Alex, please sit."

The detective opened and closed her mouth, as if trying hard to say something but the words suddenly wouldn't form. Moving her hand, she beckoned Alex nearer.

"What is it, Liv?" the younger woman leant in intimately close.

"I..." Olivia sighed contently, taking Alex's hand again and before continuing the rest of her statement, "... love you."

Finally, those three little words.

The blonde pulled back to see a lop sided grin settling on Olivia's mouth.

"I love you, too." Alex whimpered, tears instantly sliding down her cheeks. Her face contorted with a conflicting mixture of joy, relief and distress. The floodgates opened, her whole body shaking as she cried openly. The emotions of the last 128 days finally overwhelmed her.

"Oh, sweetheart! I didn't mean to make you cry! Everything's going to be ok! I'm here now Alex!  _Shhhh_!" Liv reached out, stroking Alex's cheek with her bandaged right hand, trying to brush away the freely flowing tears with her thumb.

Alex rambled her reply, choked with sobs, "I'm sorry I didn't help you in time, Liv! I tried, I rang Cragen. Don told me to leave you... I didn't want to leave you... I saw  _him_... I saw him drive away... I didn't know you were in the trunk... I thought you were shot in your apartment... I didn't know where you were all this time... I didn't help you enough... then you were gone... and it's all my fault."

"Nonononono, Alex! It's  _not_  your fault! You realised I was in danger and understood what I asked you to do when I said to tell  _Dad_. You did  _exactly_  what I asked you to do and got help. I  _heard_  the sirens and  _saw_  the lights when I was in the garage. I  _know_  you got help... and you  _did_  help me!"

"I  _didn't_  help, Liv! He took you away!" the blonde brushed aside the comment, crying even more. "He took you away from me, because I didn't help you! If I had helped you, he wouldn't have taken you!"

"Don't you  _dare_  think you're responsible for what happened, Alex! Believe me, you helped me! You did! You helped me more than you'll  _ever_  realise. You helped me  _survive_! Do... you... remember that night in the motel, when you came back to testify?"

Alex nodded yes, as she wiped away some of the still falling tears herself.

"We talked about Alex Cabot being in  _here,_  no matter what happened." Olivia moved her hand from Alex's cheek to point at Alex's heart.

"Yes," Alex sniffled.

Olivia gathered Alex's hand in her own, "You helped me survive... because Alex Cabot is  _also_  here," Liv moved their hands and placed them over her own heart. "She's been  _here_  for a very long time."

"You're the one being so strong right now... I'm the one supposed to be comforting  _you_ , but you're the one comforting  _me_!" Alex wailed.

"You have every right to be upset, sweetie. You didn't know  _anything_ , you said so yourself... you didn't know where I was... or if I was alright... but I knew  _exactly_  where you were. You were  _safe_ , and that's all that mattered!"

The two women looked longingly into the others eyes for some time before Olivia continued, "I  _knew_  you'd let Cragen know something wasn't right when you arrived, and I... I  _had_  to send you away from my apartment that night, because I had to  _protect you_ from him."

"Protect me?"

"That's what people do to the ones they care for...the ones they  _love_... they protect them. I  _knew_  you were  _safe_  from him when I sent you away to get help! He wouldn't be able hurt you if you weren't there. Alex, I  _knew_ what he was capable of, and I couldn't live with myself if he had taken you... and done to you what he did to 'Nessa and me... and what he  _might_  have done to me."

" _Might_  have done? I-I don't understand?"

Olivia was silent for quite a time, playing with Alex's hand now resting on the brunette's thigh. She was aware that Alex had said that she was being the strong one, but right now Olivia felt as vulnerable as a new born baby. Her bottom lip trembling, desperately attempting to remain stoic, but the façade eventually crumbled and she broke down crying as well. Her face twisted in a mixture of pain, fear and shame. "I-I don't know... if he... raped... me. He drugged me... I don't know how many times he did... I lost count after a while... probably more than a dozen times. I honestly don't know... if he did rape me... I  _don't_  remember... I _can't_  remember... I've tried  _so_  hard Alex... but there's just big  _chunks_  of  _nothing_... I don't know if he did... and I don't know if I ever  _will_  remember... and that scares me."

Each knew that they would and could always be themselves in front of the other, and right now being themselves meant letting go of their shared torment and anguish the only way possible. Alex leant forward, opening her arms. Both women needed physical contact from the other, a tender embrace to convey their love, reassurance and comfort for the other as they openly wept the emotional pain they both endured of the past 128 days. Both clung to each other for dear life, not wanting to ever let go. Liv buried her face in the curve of Alex's neck, inhaling the blonde's scent and light perfume, reminding herself that she was no longer in the dimly lit cellar of that cabin chained to the wall, she was now free and Alex was here with her, safe from harm.

"I missed you so much," Liv murmured, her lips brushing against Alex's skin. "I love you."

"I love you too. I thought I'd lost you just as I finally got you, and I'd  _never_  see you again," Alex stroked her hand over the brunette's head and hair.

Olivia grimaced in pain as Alex's arm brushed against her right scapula when they held each other tighter.

"What did I do?! Did I hurt you?!" Alex pulled back instantly, her voice full of worried concern. She hadn't really thought about other possible injuries Olivia might have under her hospital gown since she did her initial once over.

"It's nothing to worry about right now. Just... something... that was reinjured again quite recently." Liv waved away the concern, but Alex wasn't anywhere near convinced. "We'll talk about it later. Right now, I just don't want you to don't stop holding me."

They continued to hold each other for some time, revelling in the here and now in each other's presence, tears slowly abating. Olivia's bandaged hands drawing languid soothing circles and lines on Alex's back.

"Alex?" Liv turned her head slightly towards the ADA.

"Yeah?"

"Can you... kiss me now...  _please_?" Olivia asked hesitantly, almost meekly, a fresh wave of tears sliding silently down her cheeks.

Nodding her head and mouthing the words 'Of course', Alex cradled both of Liv's cheeks in her hands, carefully wiping away the falling tears with her thumbs. She felt the tension leave Olivia's body as their lips came together, even more so when the very tip of Olivia's tongue touched hers. It wasn't a kiss for dominance, of unyielding fiery passion or claiming of one another. It was a gentle kiss of pure love, deep affection and unquestionable trust, to console each other and alleviate their fears.

"Thankyou," whispered Olivia as the kiss ended. "I think I'll need a few more of those from you."

Alex stroked the back of her knuckles along Olivia's cheek, "Honestly, I think we both will from each other. I have no doubt we have a long road ahead of us, Olivia... and I'll be with you  _every_  step of the way."

"I think you're right... I  _know_  you're right. He did a lot of vicious, cruel things to us both... he tortured us both." Liv moved her hand low on her abdomen for a moment, an odd look settled on her features.

"What? What is it?" Alex furrowed her brow.

Olivia smiled moving her hand away, "Nothing, it just feels like there's butterflies in my stomach. It has to be because I'm seeing you now... and finally kissing you again."

"I give you butterflies?!"

"Yes, you do." Olivia replied, a hint of bashfulness in her voice.

"And how long has  _this_  been happening for?"

"It's been happening for as long as we've known each other. Every time I see you, my stomach does flips... and my heart races. Is that corny enough for you?"

"That long, huh? It's not corny... I have to admit, you do the same to me. And for the same amount of time."

A tiny glint of gold caught Olivia's attention, "You got your necklace." She reached her hand out to touch the rectangular plaque sitting at the base of Alex's throat.

Alex placed her hand on top of Olivia's, "Thankyou so much for it. Don gave me your gift on my birthday. He saw you put a gift and he card in your desk after our dinner date at the art gallery, and he saw your desk calendar marking the day. I like the quote you used."

"I missed your birthday," Liv lamented, sighing heavily. "I wanted to do something really special for you. I'll make it up to you, I promise."

"You being here  _right now_  makes up for it, Olivia. My birthday wish was to have you found... it came true." Alex placed a kiss on the corner of Olivia's mouth as she guiding their hands back down to the bed.

"I should've given you your necklace a long time before your birthday. I should've given it to you when I promised I would."

"Hey, we've moved passed all those promises and forgave each other, remember? To be honest, I'm glad you gave it to me when you did. As odd as it may sound, receiving it when I did and wearing it felt like you were watching over me while you were gone all this time."

Olivia had asked this question to Alex twice before, and it was just as difficult to ask this time around because  _this_  time it was about herself, not the blonde sitting opposite her on the bed. She braced herself for the answer as she asked, "How... how long?"

Alex smiled sadly, "128 days. You and Vanessa were both taken on May 20th and found about 12 hours ago on September 25th, it's just turned September 26th a short while ago."

The detective was stunned silent. Even though she had only a very vague idea as to how long she and Vanessa had been in that cellar, having it confirmed accurately with a numerical figure made it all too real. She had missed Alex's birthday, her returning to SVU and who knows what else. Four months of this year had been taken from her. Four months of her  _life_  had been snatched away, just like she and Vanessa had been.

"You ok?" Alex asked, taking Olivia's hand in hers again.

"It's just... a lot... to take in at the moment." Olivia chewed her bottom lip, "He... ahh... he took our watches, so we didn't know the time." She indicated her right ring finger, "He took the ring Mom gave me when I turned 18. That was one of the  _only_  things I had that Mom gave me."

A throat being cleared at the doorway of the room had Olivia instantly on edge and Alex certainly felt Olivia's hand grip hers a little more tightly than she just had been. Liv visibly tensed but relaxed just as quickly as her mind processed that Captain Don Cragen would never hurt her. He never had, he never would.

Not like  _him_. Alice Parker was right.  _He_  truly was a Beast.

"A number of items found at the cabin have been collected as evidence. I'm sure yours and Vanessa's personal possessions will be among them, and will get them back as soon as possible." Don strolled in, hands in his pockets, and a kindly smile.

"Where... where have we been all this time? Where were we taken? Where  _are_  we?" Olivia asked rapidly. There were still so many questions to ask that needed answers.

"We're in Maine, not far from the capital. You were found in the outskirts of a town called Winthrop. I hate to bring this up already while you and Alex  _catch up_..." he gave a knowing look to Olivia, "... but you understand that Major Case will want to interview both you and Vanessa soon. I can try and hold them off for as long as I can, but you know you'll have to talk to them eventually.

"Yeah, I understand. They have to do their job. Thanks Cap."

"And... IAB too."

"IAB?"

"Cassidy," Cragen said simply.

For the first time in quite a while, the memory of what occurred in her apartment that fateful evening came flooding back in vivid detail. "Brian's dead... Lewis shot Brian in cold blood... I watched him bleed out... I watched him die." Olivia said, her voice monotone.

Alex and Don shared a look, a small nod from Cragen indicated he would explain. "Olivia, you're right. Brian died... but he didn't die right away."

"What do you mean? I saw him take his last breath."

"When we got to your apartment, Brian wasn't breathing... but he did still have a very weak pulse. ESU kept him alive... he even was able to tell Munch that a man shot him, not you, but he flatlined on the way to Mount Sinai. He was without oxygen for too long, and lost a lot of blood initially... he never regained consciousness, Liv. Both Joe Dumas and Brian's mother made the decision to turn off life support on the Friday. He ended up saving the lives of 5 people with organ donation. He also helped improve the lives of others through corneal transplants and tissue donation."

"Brian didn't deserve to die in all of this," Olivia unconsciously rested her hand on her abdomen for a short while again. "Is Doom alright? I know Brian and Doom weren't close, but they were half brothers."

"Joe's coping well." Alex checked her watch, then turned to Cragen, "Actually he and Rafael should be in Las Vegas by now."

"Doom and Barba are getting hitched in  _Vegas_?! When did  _they_  hook up?!"

Alex bit the inside of her cheek, if Cragen didn't know both Joe and Rafael were gay, or if he only had an inkling, he certainly knew now. "Detective Dumas and ADA Barba are in the process of  _extraditing_  a paedophile from Las Vegas,  _New Mexico_... not Nevada."

"Ooh!" cringed Olivia. "Wait?  _Doom's_  at SVU now? He replaced me?" Olivia knew, as Cragen had suggested, that there would be a lot of catching up to do.

"Joe's taken over for Amanda -," Don replied.

"Rollins left?!"

"No, Amanda's in the hospital... at Bellevue," Alex explained. "She's ok. While your disappearance affected everyone, it affected Amanda a lot more. Everyone blamed themselves, but Amanda blamed herself the most seeing she started the investigation."

"Lewis Williams is the only one to blame for all this... no-one else." Olivia finally asked the question that had been gnawing away in the back of her mind, "Where  _is_ he? Where's Lewis?"

Don replied, "Lewis Williams was shot dead. He can't hurt or torment you any more."

Fateful words.

**_Lights will guide you home,_ **   
**_And ignite your bones,_ **   
**_And I will try to fix you._  ~ Coldplay (Fix You)**

* * *

**End Note:** The car accident victims are **not**  related to anyone in the story. Please don't think it's any of Vanessa/Kel/Mel/Brad/Heather family members. Like the mention of Liv's headache all the way back in chapter 2, it's just a symbolic metaphor/allegory/hyperbole.


	19. Chapter 19

Doctor Kelly Leonard sat down heavily at her office desk in the Medical Centre, her hand reaching for her telephone. Over the years since becoming a doctor, each and every time she had ever informed a patient, their immediate family or their medical proxy of their life changing prognosis, their reactions were always different.

_"Sadly, the heart attack was to severe for her to survive."_  
"Unfortunately your loved one suffered too much trauma in the accident was unable to be revived. I'm so sorry for your loss."  
"I'm sorry, your persistent cough is actually stage 4 lung cancer. There's nothing more that can be done. Realistically, you only have about 6 months to live."  
"The only way to save your life was to have the surgeon amputate your leg above the knee."

Every single person reacted as individually and uniquely as they were to the next person. Some were stunned silent. Some were angry. Some were inconsolable. Some began to pray. And some followed the Kübler-Ross model, a hypothesis introduced by Psychiatrist Doctor Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969 in her book  _'On Death and Dying'_. This hypothesis is better known around the world as the 'five stages of grief'.

Denial.

Anger.

Bargaining.

Depression.

Grief.

These five stages certainly are  _never_  meant to be an accurate or definitive list of  _all_  the possible emotions that would be experienced by an individual suddenly being the recipient of life changing information, and these stages could occur in  _any_  order whatsoever. Nor does everyone that encounters a life changing event experience all five reactions. Also, not everyone moves through to the next stage at the same pace. Some stay at one stage a long longer than another stage, some move quickly from one stage to the next.

Informing a woman that they are pregnant was always supposed to be a wonderful, joyous occasion. Bringing a new life in to the world is meant to be a beautiful and amazing thing. Kelly never imagined telling a woman she was with child would fall under the five stages of grief... but Kelly had never had a patient that had been subjected to 128 days of incarceration, deprivation, oppression, persecution and who knows what else.

Doctor Leonard dialled an old colleague from Augusta General before normal business hours. The phone was answered on the third ring.

"Hey Andrea, it's Kelly Leonard here... ...I'm fine... ...Melanie's fine too... ...No, I don't miss Augusta General as much as I thought I would... ...well, they keep me on my toes over here at the Winthrop Medical Centre... ...yes, as unbelievable as it sounds. Hey, I have a favour to ask... ...I know, I know... ...Listen, it's a bit of a delicate situation. I have a patient under my care here. It's a long complicated story that I don't even know the half of myself, but she's been imprisoned for several months... ...yes, imprisoned and tortured... ...and she's pregnant... ...Yeah, I did a SOEC kit. There was no evidence of recent trauma, but it can't be ruled out... ...I know, but she's unable confirm anything because she was drugged many times and can't remember... ...yes, there's a lot of sick bastards in this world... ...so I need an ultrasound carried out ASAP. I did one with the portable because I honestly thought she was miscarrying... ..yeah breakthrough bleeding... ...but I can't determine foetal age accurately, that's why I'm not an OBGYN... ...honestly I'm thinking 12 to 14 weeks by her size, but I want you to confirm. Her hCG hormone levels were raised, of course... ...and possibly either CVS or Amnio, whichever you think is necessary... ...I know Peter is closer, but under the circumstances, I think a female OBGYN would be better, and in my opinion you have a much better bedside manner than Peter... ...Not flattery, just the truth... ...I want you to do it because in all honestly, I don't think she still truly accepts it yet. I think the faster the better so she can eventually make whatever decision she needs to make. You might be able to help her... ...Ok... ...Thanks Andrea, see you in an hour or so."

Hanging up the telephone, Kelly sighed, one hand rubbing her temple. The memory of her telling Olivia still fresh and vivid in her mind. She had informed Olivia of her situation and condition some time after both Alex and Don entered Olivia's room, allowing all three SVU colleagues some personal time before telling the detective in the early hours of the morning. Kelly had wanted to talk to Olivia privately, but Liv was adamant that Alex could be privy to her medical information.

Somewhat unsurprisingly, Olivia reacted accordingly with the start of the five stages of grief.

Yes, Olivia Benson was steadfastly and resolutely in complete and utter denial...

* * *

"Knock, knock. Sorry to interrupt the reunion," someone called quietly from the hospital room doorway.

Olivia instantly tensed again, gripping Alex's hand tighter, then relaxed as she processed that the person at the doorway with salt and pepper spiky hair was a woman, not  _him_. A woman wouldn't hurt her, unlike  _him_.

Alex smiled, reassuring to Olivia that this new unknown person was friendly. "It's ok, come on in."

"Hello, Olivia. I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard."

"Hi Doctor Leonard."

"Please, call me Kelly," she entered the room. "It's good to see you finally awake."

"It's good to finally be awake, and out of that... place."

"Seeing as you're awake now, I think it might be an idea to check and change bandages, dressings... and  _other_  things," Kelly gave Olivia a pointed look, and Olivia nodded her understanding.

"Before I do, I just want to check your left eye. You have a few hairline fractures to your eye socket, but seeing no fragments have broken away, I don't think surgery will be required." Kelly pulled out a small torch from her pocket, "Sorry if the light is a bright for you, but I have to check your pupil reaction."

"It's much brighter than I've been used to lately, Kelly." Olivia tried to shy away when the light flashed in front of her eyes. Bright lights flashing in her face in recent times meant photos after torture.

"Can you follow my finger... Are you having trouble seeing? Any floating spots or fuzziness in your vision?"

"No, but my eye does feel a bit scratchy when I look around or blink."

"That's not unusual with a subconjunctival hemorrhage. We'll make sure you get some artificial tear drops to help with that. Currently, the white of your left eye is completely blood red. It will heal and eventually fade back to normal much like a bruise over the next week or so. It will fade along with the upper and lower eyelid bruising. Ok, I'll give you all a few more minutes while I just go get a nurse to help." Kelly turned to leave.

"It's not a male nurse, is it?" the hint of panic evident in Olivia's voice, and a shadow fear visible in her eyes.

Kelly turned back around with a kind smile before she exited the room, "No. The nurses on duty tonight are all female. I'll go and get Beverley to help."

Olivia's question hadn't gone unnoticed by Alex, nor the uneasiness and tension when someone entered the room. The blonde knew all too well it would take some time for Olivia to trust people, particularly men, again.

Don pulled a small item from his pocket, handing it to Olivia. "I thought you might want these. You may have need to get clearance from the doctor, but I'm certain you'll be glad to have them close by."

Olivia slid the contents on to her bandaged hand. Her face lit up when she saw her old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants, and her newer Fearlessness tag necklace fall from the small jewellery pouch.

"After it was excluded from evidence, I went and had the chain fixed on the one Brian gave to you. I also had all of them cleaned for you. Fred, your super, let me in to your apartment to get the other two after CSU and NYPD cleaned the apartment up for you." Cragen added.

"B-but he said he killed Fred?" All these revelations were too much for Olivia to comprehend.

"Fred Dawson only passed out from being choked by Lewis. He got a little sloppy in his... ahh... eagerness. He never disabled the video cameras as he thought he did, and he left DNA evidence at your apartment. IAB should clear you, but if it's Tucker, he'll try and have a good go at you."

"Tucker's an asshole, bring him on." Olivia put the chains back in the jewellery pouch, "Alex, can you put these in the drawer for later?"

As Alex closed the bedside drawer, Kelly arrived with an older nurse and a small medical trolley laden with numerous items.

"We'll give you some privacy," Don indicated that both himself and Alex, the SVU Captain exited the room.

"Does Alex  _have_  to leave?" Liv held Alex's hand a little tighter as Kelly gave Alex a pleading look from the other side of the bed.

"Olivia, how about I go get your clothes bag from my car and I'll be back in a few minutes."

"You  _drove_  here? You're crazy, Cabot!" Liv grinned.

Alex pressed a light kiss to Olivia's mouth as she said quietly, "Crazy for you."

Unfortunately for Doctor Kelly Leonard, they had only managed to change Olivia's hospital underwear by the time Alex Cabot returned to the small hospital room. Kelly and Beverley changed a few dressings on Olivia's arms, and the dressing of the recent burn from Olivia's own detective badge directly over the top of the first one Lewis caused.

As Beverley wheeled the trolley away, Kelly spoke up. "Olivia, I need to speak to you privately regarding a few things medically."

"Anything you need to say, you can say in front of Alex. She's my medical proxy, my emergency contact, my legal counsel..." Liv reeled off, indicating for Alex to sit back down on the bed where she had been as the privacy curtain was opened. "... and the woman I love."

"You really like saying that, don't you?" Alex teased.

"It took me so long to  _finally_  tell you, I have to make up for it as much as I can."

"Ok then, if you're happy to have Alex be here for this." Kelly steadied herself for the impending reaction, "I've tried to think of ways of putting this delicately, there's no other way to put this Olivia, so I'll just come right out and say it... you're pregnant."

Alex covered her mouth in shock, but Olivia just shook her head, utterly unconvinced. "You must have your medical charts mixed up, Kelly. 'Nessa's the one... oh geez, 'Nessa's pregnant. Oh no. I convinced her it was stress that-"

"Olivia, I guarantee you I didn't mix up the charts. You  _are_  pregnant."

"No, no I'm  _not_. You're wrong! 'Nessa, the one with the red hair...  _she's_  pregnant."

"I know it's difficult to believe, but I did an ultrasound on you myself because when you were rescued from the cabin, the initial indicators suggested you were miscarrying. You're about 12 to 14 weeks pregnant, but I want you to have another ultrasound."

"Listen! I might have lost 128 days of this year, and my life, being imprisoned... I might have received several blows to the head and face from  _him_... I might have been tortured cruelly and mercilessly... but I  _didn't_  lose my mental capacity. I'm  _not_  stupid, I'm  _not_  an idiot... and I'm  _not_  pregnant! I know my own body, I've lived in it for over 40 years. I had a pregnancy scare in college, I was almost 2 weeks late... so I think I'd know if I was 12 or 14 weeks pregnant  _now_! Especially seeing you just changed my diaper! I'm menstruating remember!"

"You're not menstruating, it's what we call breakthrough bleed-"

The detective cut the doctor off, "I might not have had a watch or clock to tell the time, but I think I was pretty damn regular while I was in  _that_  cellar! 'Nessa, not once. NOT ONCE! I've had  _no_  nausea,  _no_  cravings, I'm _not_  showing, I'm  _menstruating_  and I haven't felt  _any_  movement from  _any_  baby... I'M NOT PREGNANT!"

"Liv, Doctor Leonard's just doing her job." the blonde tried to soothe.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, "Alex! I think you'd be reacting pretty much the same way! The doctor here trying to convince me I'm pregnant when I know I'm not... is like...  _me_  trying to convince  _you_  that you're a lesbian, or  _you_  trying to convince  _me_  that I'm a lesbian... we both know we're bisexual and I  _know_  I'm not pregnant!" Olivia glared darkly at Doctor Leonard then directly at Alex, "The last time I believed what a doctor said, they lied when they told me to my face that you'd bled out on the operating table-"

"Hey, that's not fair. You  _know_  why they had to say that, Liv!"

"I shouldn't have believed them  _then_ , and I shouldn't believe them  _now_! 'Nessa's the one that's pregnant, not me! She just can't admit she got it  _wrong_!" Olivia folded her arms defensively.

When Alex saw Kelly turning to leave the room, she went to follow after her.

"Where are you going?" the brunette panicked.

"You get some rest for me. I'm just going to talk to the doctor just outside." Alex placed a kiss on Olivia's forehead, Liv calming immediately.

Olivia lay back on her pillows, muttering under her breath. "Yeah well, that's if she really  _is_  one. Probably got her medical PhD from a cereal box."

As Alex exited the room, she apologised. "Sorry about Liv's reaction. She's not like that at all, she's usually very rational."

"Honestly Alex, I don't blame Olivia for reacting the way she did... I think I'd probably react somewhat similar under the circumstances. Everything she said is right for not being pregnant... but she  _is_  pregnant."

"I think she's having a difficult time believing what she's being told because what she's been told recently hasn't been the truth. She was told her apartment super was killed, he wasn't. She was lead to believe a colleague had been killed, but he lived longer than she thought. And now she's thought Vanessa was the one that was pregnant, but it's actually Liv that is."

"And she thought you were dead?!" Kel raised her eyebrows.

"Long story from some years ago. Might tell you a bit later on. Melanie might find an intriguing tale too."

"Well, Mel and I have offered for you and Don to bunker down at our place for the rest of your stay in Winthrop. But under the circumstances I think it's best that you stay with Olivia tonight. We don't have any spare beds, but -"

"The chair already in the room is fine with me, but maybe an extra blanket?"

Kelly nodded, "I'll get one brought around for you. I still want Olivia to have another ultrasound ASAP. I'm not an OBGYN but I have a few old colleagues from Augusta that can do it."

"Organize it as soon as you can, but if at all possible make it a female doctor." Alex thought a few moments, "I think I might have a way to convince Olivia to have the ultrasound."

"I'll leave you to it then. I'll be back around early in the morning... well, you know what I mean... in a few more hours. G'night Alex." Kelly headed for the Doctor's Lounge again.

Alex reentered Olivia's room confidently, as if suddenly commanding the courtroom, "Detective."

"Counsellor," Olivia straightened her shoulders.

"When we go to trial... every single time we go to trial, what do we need to prove our cases?"

"Evidence."

"And there's no evidence to suggest that your pregnant?"

"Nope. None whatsoever." Liv shook her head.

"So... let's give the doctor your evidence. You're not pregnant, let's prove it to her. Have another ultrasound... she said to me herself she's not an OBGYN."

"You're damn right I'm not pregnant."

"So will you have another ultrasound?"

Olivia sighed, "On one... no... two conditions."

"Are you negotiating with me?" Alex sat back down on the bed.

A smile settled on Liv's mouth, "Yes, I am. Number one: see if you have to sleep here for the rest of the night. I need you close by."

"Done. I already have been given permission to sleep in the chair by Kelly. But only the chair."

"Good," Olivia nodded appreciatively. "Number two: can I have... another kiss...  _please_?"

"Absolutely." Alex leant forward, capturing Olivia's mouth in a delicate kiss.

* * *

Kelly made her way from her office to check in on a few patients during breakfast in the small hospital, including Vanessa.

Why wouldn't Olivia be in denial? Having been subjected to who knows what ghastly horrors, lies or untruths in that dimly lit cellar, then after being rescued, suddenly have some random woman that you've never met before come up to you and basically say 'ignore  _everything_  you know about yourself, then believe me and what I'm telling you'. Every single thing Olivia said presenting her case for  _not_  being pregnant was correct. She was menstruating... well  _technically_  she wasn't, but she  _was_  bleeding; she had no cravings; she had no nausea; she was barely showing a baby bump; she hadn't felt any movement from the baby... well, maybe she had but she just hadn't realised it yet. The first movement of a baby, also known as the quickening, is sometimes best described as like having butterflies in your stomach, or fluttering bird wings.

But Olivia Benson was undoubtedly pregnant.

Doctor Leonard had seen the foetus moving on the portable ultrasound, she had heard the baby's heartbeat thorough the ultrasound doppler, the standard blood tests carried out showed increased human chorionic gonadotropin (hCG) hormone levels.

"Hi Vanessa, I'm Doctor Kelly Leonard. How are you this morning?"

"Relieved! Relieved that Liv and I were finally found. Do my family know?"

"Yes, you're family know you've been rescued. They said they would try and get here as soon as they could from Ohio. Hopefully it won't be too much later today."

"Good... good. I really want to thank our rescuers too."

"I'm sure I can arrange for that to happen."

"Umm...Doctor Leonard?"

"Please, call me Kelly."

"Doctor Kelly... while... while we were there... he... did things to me... I need to know... am I... pregnant? I-I never had my period the whole time I was there."

"No Vanessa, you're not pregnant. Your hormone levels, that indicate if a woman is pregnant or not, are completely normal. You are  _not_  pregnant."

"Oh thank god! Liv will be really pleased to know," Vanessa sighed with relief, a few tears escaping her eyes, but then looked puzzled, "He raped me... I don't know how many times... and I never got pregnant? H-how is that possible?"

"Most likely you were having an anovulatory cycle due to intense stress. It's known to happen."

"Liv tried to tell me that, but I didn't believe her. I was  _sure_  I was pregnant. He didn't wear any condoms when he did... maybe he was infertile? Or maybe he had the snip?" Vanessa suggested hopefully. "Because Liv didn't get pregnant..."

Doctor Leonard continued making notations on the charts, not allowing herself to tell Vanessa that Olivia was very much pregnant.

"... but I don't know for certain if she was raped or not, but she never skipped her period while we were there. He drugged both of us, but he drugged Liv more. He'd separate us when he wanted to 'play with his guests' or torture us," Vanessa said, using air quotes. "When can I see Liv? I  _really_  have to see her."

"Olivia is having tests done this morning, but you should be able to see her about lunchtime."

"Is it her foot? He really hurt her when he kicked her with steel capped boots. I think he might have broke it."

Kelly just smiled, "I'm really sorry Vanessa, I can't say what it is... I'm sure you understand. I'll let you get back to having your breakfast. I'll have a nurse come and check on your burns and change any dressings that need it a little later."

* * *

Olivia was helped into a wheelchair and taken to an examination room down the end of the hall by a young nurse, Alex walking by her side. The nurse had informed them both that female OBGYN was already waiting as they approached the room.

"Hi there. I'm Doctor Andrea Smith, I hear you need an ultrasound."

"Yeah, but I think you're wasting your time from  _real_  patients," Olivia rebutted as she tried to get comfortable on the examination bed, her left foot in a medical walking boot.

"Don't worry, I owed Doctor Leonard a favour anyway. She tells me you're pregnant."

"So  _she_  thinks."

"But I can tell you're not convinced?"

"I  _know_  I'm not, and this will prove it!"

The doctor placed a blanket over Olivia's lower half. "Alright then, let's get this underway. The gel might be a little cold, so I apologise in advance. Can you lift up your gown a bit while I get everything ready?"

As Olivia lifted up the hem of her hospital gown, Alex saw a couple of healing pink random straight line and cigarette burn scars on the beautifully tanned torso. It made Alex's heart break to see the cruelty Lewis Williams had bestowed on Olivia's body as she took hold of Olivia's hand. The small swell of Olivia's stomach certainly didn't look like a baby bump, in all honesty it looked like Olivia had eaten a large meal, nothing else. Doctor Smith poured a generous amount of gel on Olivia's stomach and moved the transducer about.

Olivia looked at the screen for a short while and rolled her eyes, "See! Nothing! Waste of time!"

"Liv," Alex admonished.

"It might take a moment... to see the baby," Doctor Smith said as an image of a foetus on the screen came into focus.

Liv just stared at the portable ultrasound screen, trying to comprehend what she was seeing. Her mind was screaming that she wasn't pregnant, it was Vanessa Meyer that was pregnant, but the image on the screen told a different story. The baby suddenly moved sharply on the screen and Olivia gasped, moving her free hand to her abdomen.

"You felt the baby move, didn't you? Felt like butterflies in your stomach?" Doctor Smith suggested.

Olivia wanted to nod yes, but she just continued to focus on the screen, lost in her own little world.

This  _wasn't_  happening.

This  _wasn't_  real.

She  _wasn't_  pregnant.

But, she  _was_  pregnant.

Doctor Smith pressed a button on the machine and the sound of the baby's heartbeat filled the room. Alex's eyes darted back and forth from Olivia's face to the baby on the screen. The doctor moved the transducer in different places and angles, studying the screen closely.

"Well, Doctor Leonard can stick with emergency because she certainly can't read OBGYN ultrasounds."

"What do you mean?" Alex asked, her eyes moving from Liv's face to the doctors.

"Kelly said Olivia was 12 to 14 weeks by her size. While I can agree with her on that, I can also tell you right now she's at least 16 weeks pregnant."

"How can you tell?" Alex queried.

"Anything much earlier than 16 weeks, the baby is still deemed to have a genital tubercle. That's the part of the body that become either the penis or the clitoris. Some OBGYN's can tell a little earlier, but we like to wait to be certain. After 16 weeks, the baby's gender is able to be determined easily... and right  _now_ , I can see the sex of the baby."

Alex chewed her lip, a tiny thought nagging at the back of her mind. "Is there  _any_  chance... any chance whatsoever that the baby could be older?"

Doctor Smith checked Olivia's hCG hormone levels and the size of the baby, "It's unlikely... but... if it  _was_ , I'd be classing the baby as small. Why do you ask?"

"Liv was in a relationship before she was taken. If there's a miniscule chance that-"

"That was a  _long_  time ago, Alex." Liv spoke for the first time, dragging her eyes away from the screen.

"I'm not naïve enough to think that you  _weren't_  having sex with Brian, Olivia!"

"And I'm not naïve enough to think that it  _is_  Brian's, Alex! Lewis  _repeatedly_  drugged me, he's obviously raped me and I don't even remember it, and now I'm pregnant with  _his_  child! Lewis raped Vanessa repeatedly and got her pregnant, and he did the same to me. It makes sense that he would, that was his MO, rape and torture...  _Now_  I know he did.  _Now_  I can deal with it. I  _don't_  want to be like my own mother! I  _can't_  handle that. I _don't_  want this baby."

Doctor Smith chimed in, "If you were drugged often, that  _could_  possibly explain the current size of your baby. Olivia, I need to ask you... do you remember the last time you had sex with Brian?"

A heavy wave a long forgotten guilt washed over the brunette as she murmured her answer, she knew exactly when.

"I'm sorry, I didn't quite hear what you said," Doctor Smith prompted.

Olivia could feel Alex's eyes on her, and heard a sharp intake of breath from the blonde ADA as she repeated her reply clearly, "May 19th."

Andrea wrote down the date on the notes, "If you'd like, I can do DNA testing with the amniocentesis rather than speculate, so you can make your decision fully informed on the health of the baby and the father of the baby. Are you able to get a DNA sample from Brian?"

"Don't waste your time... he's dead and he's not the father." Olivia whispered, returning her focus back to the baby on the screen, the sound of the baby's heartbeat pounding in her ears.

Alex took over, "DNA won't be a problem, Doctor. All NYPD officer's DNA profile are on record, so if any DNA is collected from a crime scene from an investigating officer... like a stray hair or similar, it can be excluded from evidence. Brian Cassidy's DNA is on file, and Lewis Williams' DNA is also now on file from the autopsy."

"Ok, amniocentesis DNA usually takes a few weeks, but I'll make sure it's a priority case. Should have it back in a week along with the results for the health of the baby. Would you like to know the sex of your baby?"

Olivia gave a noncommital noise from the throat, still transfixed on the screen, her face showing no emotion.

"We... might wait, and see  _other_  results first," Alex answered for Liv, their hands still entwined.

Doctor Smith cleaned off the gel from Olivia's abdomen and prepared for the amniocentesis procedure.

* * *

The journey back to Olivia's room was silent, so many thoughts running through each woman's mind from the last half an hour. The nurse asked Olivia if she wanted to get back into bed before she excused herself, but Olivia said she wanted to rest in the wheelchair a little longer. After the nurse left, there was a long, tense silence that was eventually broken from the other side of the room.

"You had breakup sex with Brian." It was a statement of fact from Alex, not a question.

"Get out."

"Olivia, I don't-"

"GET! OUT!" Olivia spat venomously, a look of malicious spite settling on her face. "GET OUT! GET OUT OF MY LIFE! ALEX, JUST GO!"

Olivia turned away in the wheelchair to look out the hospital window, not able to bring herself to look at Alex any longer. Alex said something from the other side of the room, but it didn't register with Olivia, still staring out the window. She just wanted to erase the last 128 days from her memory... from her life.

The telltale click of the door closing let the detective know Alex had finally left the room.

Tears sliding down her cheeks, her feelings overwhelmed her. Her whole body shook as she openly sobbed, her face contorting with so many emotions.

Alone in her small hospital room with her bandaged hands covering her face, Olivia whimpered piteously when she felt the fluttering of butterflies in her stomach again, "Alex, don't go!"


	20. Chapter 20

For a while she watched the dark grey clouds dance and swirl together, making random patterns and shapes across the Winthrop horizon. Unsurprisingly the sky reflected her current mood. Time past by as the tears gradually ebbed away but Olivia just continued to stare out of the window, looking at nothing in particular. Lost in her own mind, Olivia Benson was still coming to grips that she was pregnant. A tiny life was now suddenly and unexpectedly growing inside of her. She instantly regretted lashing out at Alex, but sometimes people do that to the ones they love the most when they feel under pressure.

Alex was never supposed to know that she'd had sex with Brian after she broke up with him, especially after she'd told Alex she wanted to be with the blonde at the art gallery on the Friday night. With tears welling in their eyes as Brian kissed her goodbye, suddenly one thing ultimately led to another and both NYPD members tumbled back in to Olivia's bed for one final time as fuck buddies. Neither of them said another word after they said their sorries to each other, ending their relationship on the Sunday evening.

After the intimate encounter was over, Brian left hastily, leaving his jacket on the lounge chair. Liv regretted sleeping with Brian one more time as soon as it happened, the guilt of the encounter on her mind as she stripped and changed her bed linen on the Monday morning. Again, when her eyes wandered the room of the ADA's office as she told Alex she broke up with him at lunchtime on Monday. The guilt all but washed away being replaced with love when she looked into those blue eyes, knowing Alex Cabot was the one she wanted to be with... the one she'd  _always_  wanted to be with. She wanted get things right from the beginning and take it slowly with Alex, build a rock solid foundation for the start of their relationship, and not fuck it up.

But she fucked it up right from the get-go.

Then the shit hit the fan.

And Lewis Williams happened.

The likelihood of him raping her was always playing on her mind each time she was drugged because she never knew if he had or not, but now she was at least 16 weeks pregnant. All signs pointed that he had, it was his _modus operandi_  after all, and Vanessa Meyer could certainly testify to the fact of her own repeated assualts. The overwhelming probability of him being the father weighed heavily on Olivia. Every time she woke from her drug induced stupor in that cellar, her old clothes were swapped for fresh clean ones. She felt so violated knowing he had seen her intimately, had touched at her most vulnerable. With each time she felt the baby move, it was a constant reminder of what he did while she was unconscious. Now she felt even more violated than ever before.

When Doctor Andrea Smith and Alex seemingly pressured her for more details regarding her last encounter with Brian, she instantly felt like a caged animal... like she was back in the dimly lit cellar, pacing back and forth along the length of her wall shackled to the chain with nowhere to hide... being poked with a sharp stick filled with regret and shame, and she lashed out at the closest person. Unfortunately, that person was the  _one_  person she needed the most right now.

Alex Cabot.

The blonde haired, blue eyed beacon of hope that helped her survive 128 days in that torturous hellhole. Memories and vivid dreams of their interactions over the years, their rows, their dinner dates and that night in the motel kept her sane... kept her hopeful that she and Vanessa would eventually be rescued no matter what Lewis Williams subjected them to. Now finally free, Alex said she was there for Olivia physically and emotionally, but Liv did the one thing she should never had done and cruelly pushed Alex away. Spitefully screaming at Alex to get out of her life, that wasn't at all what Olivia wanted, but her emotions were scattered all over the place right now.

Angst.

Anger.

Guilt.

Misery.

Fear.

Rage.

Remorse.

Distress.

So many emotions coursing through her mind, body and soul, and too many emotions to deal with alone.

She very much  _wanted_  Alex in her life, she very much  _needed_  Alex in her life.

Focusing on the skyline once again, she saw that the sombre dull clouds had lightened a little, a tiny beam of sunlight desperately trying shine through to brighten the day. Alex Cabot was Olivia's ray of light in the darkness that currently enveloped her, the detective just hoped against all the odds that she hadn't completely ruined her budding relationship with blonde. She continued looking out the window, hoping soon that she'd be able to go outside, even if it was for only a short while. She wanted to feel the soft grass beneath her feet (well foot for now), feel the warm sun on her body, feel the fresh breeze on her skin... everything that was the opposite of a small dimly lit stone cellar with old stale air. She ran her fingers through her hair, she hoped that she'd be able to get it cut and styled soon. She was sure it looked as ridiculous as it felt, as she hadn't looked in the mirror of the small bathroom as the young nurse helped her bathe before the morning ultrasound. Olivia also hoped that the IV cannula in her left forearm would be removed soon too. She disliked hospitals as much as the next person.

The noise of the door knob turning drew Olivia's attention from the window. Alex had reentered the small hospital room, her mood at this point in time totally unreadable and impassive. The younger woman stayed near the door way, not approaching any closer to where Olivia was near the window in the wheelchair.

"I'm  _so_  sorry for yelling at you, Alex. You have every right to be upset with me, but I don't want to lose you either. You mean  _everything_  to me." Olivia explained with sincerity.

"You have a funny way of showing it." Alex's eyes wandered the room, avoiding Olivia at all costs.

"What can I do to make this better? I love you."

Turning her head, she glared at the brunette with her ice cold eyes, and Alex let fly. "There's  _nothing_  you can do!  _YOU_  BROKE  _US_!  _YOU'RE_  A LIAR!  _YOU'RE_  A CHEATER! I hope that one last  _fuck_  with  _Brian_  was worth it, Olivia... because you don't have him anymore, and you  _certainly_  don't have  _me_! You want me out of your life?  _Fine_ , I'm gone!"

"Bu-but you said you'd be with me every step of the way, Alex!"

"That was  _before_  I found out the truth about  _you_. If we got together, you'd go and sleep with someone else behind my back any chance you could! Probably  _Casey_..."

"No!"

"... or  _Amanda_..."

"No!"

"... perhaps  _Nick_..."

"No!"

"... or most likely  _Elliott_!"

" _NO_!"

"Why should  _I_  believe  _you_? You  _fucked_  Brian before, and you  _fucked_  me before!"

"I  _never_  fucked you! What we did at the motel  _wasn't_  fucking. We -"

"Made love?! People who  _love_  each other make love,  _not_  people that  _cheat_  on the one they  _love_!"

"I love  _you_! I  _do_  Alex! I love you  _so_  much it hurts." Tears started to well in Olivia's eyes.

"You know what? Save it for someone who actually  _gives_  a fuck!" Reaching her hands behind her neck, Alex unclipped then tossed the Abhaya necklace at Olivia in fury. She sneered one last comment over her shoulder before she stormed out the room, "Have a nice life with your baby, _Livvy!_ "

"Alex! Alex, please!  _Please_  don't do this!  _Please_  don't leave me! I  _love_  you and I  _need_  you! I need you more than  _anything_  now!" Olivia tried to follow after her in the wheelchair, but with her burnt hands still bandaged it was too painful and awkward. She struggled to stand on the walking boot, screaming out in agony as her foot hit the ground for the first time unsupported. But the brunette fought through the pain, hobbling as best she could after the retreating ADA, gingerly clutching to her IV drip pole for support.

Olivia reeled in terror as a man who wasn't supposed to be there snaked his arm around Alex's slender waist in the hallway, leading her away towards the elevator.

" _YOU_  KEEP AWAY FROM ALEX!" Olivia snarled, limping piteously after them.

"Oh! So,  _you're_  Alex. She likes the ladies, as well as the men? She  _wouldn't_  let me know who you were Alex, no matter  _how_  many times I asked her. No wonder she kept saying your name  _over_  and  _over_  in her dreams... you're spectacular, and breathtaking! But she tossed you aside for one last fuck with  _Brian_? Tsk, tsk, tsk... such a  _shame_! Oh Alex, I'd  _never_  hurt you like...  _that._  Brian couldn't even survive being shot, but  _you_  did... so you  _must_  be  _something_  special! So  _Alexandra_ , will  _you_  say the words I  _desperately_  want to hear? Vanessa was a 'good guest' said them for me, but Detective Benson  _wouldn't_."

"GET AWAY FROM  _HIM_ , ALEX!" Olivia stumbled closer and closer, clinging to the hand rail on the hospital walls to steady herself more. " _DON'T_  SAY THE WORDS!"

"Please, _don't_  hurt me... I'll do  _anything_  you want!" Alex purred seductively as she backed him up slowly into the elevator, her hand cupping the large bulge in the front of his trousers. She gasped in surprise and let out a low groan of arousal, " _Anything_  at all."

"ALEX, NO!" screamed the detective, almost tripping over.

"Fun times ahead!" Licking his lips salaciously Lewis Williams stared over at Olivia, laughing mirthlessly as he pressed the button for the elevator door. A red haired woman was sitting on the floor in the corner, shacked with antique handcuffs to the elevator hand rail.

"NO! YOU'RE DEAD! YOU'RE DEAD, LEWIS!" Olivia regained her balance, getting closer to the elevator.

"I might be dead Detective Benson, but I'll  _never_  leave you alone! I'm in your  _head_ , I'll be with you  _forever_! And now, you have  _my_  baby growing inside you! How ironic... a child conceived through rape having a child conceived through rape. It's a shame you weren't awake for the conception, I would have  _loved_  to know if you're a screamer or not. Maybe I'll find out if Alex is? She's walking away from  _you_ because  _you_  told her to get out of your life and leave...  _you_  can't protect her  _anymore_! She's  _my_ guest now, and we  _both_  know how...  _nicely_... I treat  _my_  guests, hey Vanessa!" Lewis taunted, pinching the red haired woman's cheek before slapping her hard.

"Liv! Help us!" Vanessa struggled against the handcuffs, pleading helplessly.

"HANG ON, 'NESSA!" Olivia was only a few steps away from the elevator.

Lewis Williams viciously backhanding Alex across the face and mouth. Alex crumpled to the floor next to Vanessa as he began violently tearing the clothes from the blonde's body. Alex cried out in unbridled terror, just like Vanessa did so many times as the elevator door slammed closed in Olivia's face.

_"Olivia! Olivia!"_

_"NOOOOOO ALEX!"..._

* * *

"Olivia... Olivia."

"NOOOOOO ALEX!" Olivia started awake. Breathing heavily, her eyes darting wildly around the hospital room in panic mode before setting on the concerned blue eyes behind black framed glasses sitting next to her in the chair facing towards her, on her right side.

Reaching out her right hand, Alex gently took Olivia's right hand in her own. "Liv, it's ok. It was all just a very bad dream you were having.  _I'm_  safe,  _you're_  safe and  _Vanessa's_  safe. We're  _all_  safe, and everything's alright now."

Olivia burst into tears, her body wracked with heavy sobs. Alex quickly pulled Liv closer, the detective once again burying her face in the curve of Alex's neck as the tears flowed freely. Alex rested her hand on the back of Olivia's head and neck, cradling Liv even closer as the tears seeped through the fabric of the ADA's blouse on her shoulder. Whispering soothing words in the ear of the distraught woman, the blonde continued to hold and comfort Olivia for some time while fighting back her own tears.

Liv eventually lifted her head to look at Alex though tear filled lashes, "You came back."

"I never left, Olivia."

"You walked out the door," Liv whispered sadly.

Alex wasn't about to get into semantics with what the brunette had originally screamed at her, "I went to get you some chamomile tea to help calm you down and give you some time alone, just like I said I would. I also talked to Kelly and organised a couple of things for you. When I came back about 20 minutes later, you were fast asleep here in the wheelchair. I've been right here next to you ever since watching over you, so almost 2 hours. I drank you tea though, sorry about that."

"You're worrying about drinking my tea?! I  _pushed_  you away... I  _yelled_  at you to get out of my life. I'm  _so_   _sorry_  for doing that, Alex." More tears escaped from Olivia.

"Do you mind telling me  _why_  you said that to me?" Alex asked with sincerity.

Olivia looked down in shame, "You don't want to be with me any more."

"What makes you think that?!" Alex lifted Olivia's chin with her fingers.

"I fucked up big time. I ruined our relationship... I-I cheated on you with Brian. "

"Huh... so you thought you'd break up with me and save me the trouble?"

Olivia nodded, swiping away fresh tears with her bandaged hands.

"Shouldn't that be  _my_  decision to make if I want to break up with you, Liv?"

"Alex, you don't want to be with a cheater."

"Well... considering  _I'm_  the one with the history of cheating, shouldn't I be the one asking  _you_  that?"

Olivia furrowed her brow in confusion at Alex's admission.

"I cheated on Robert with Jim, remember?"

"You weren't in a good place at that time in your life, Alex. I knew  _exactly_  what I was doing when I had sex with Brian. I cheated on you with him."

"Listen very closely to what I have to say, Olivia Benson,... You  _didn't_  cheat on me. If I recall correctly... you said you wanted to be with me, but wanted to do things right and end things with Brian first  _before_  we got together. If that included having break up sex with Brian, then that's what you had to do. I understand and I'm fine with that, I'm not going to leave you because of it. You also said you wanted us to take things slowly, so I didn't actually expect us to jump straight in to bed together."

They looked longingly into each others eyes. Olivia broke the short silence, "He kissed-"

"Liv, I don't need to tell me what happened."

"I  _want_  to explain it to you, I want to be  _honest_  with you." Liv took a steadying breath, "I ended it with Brian and he kissed me good bye... then... he kissed that spot my neck."

Alex nodded in understanding, "And then one thing led to another."

"Do you  _at all_  remember what happens to me when I have that particular spot kissed?"

"I  _do_. I remember _very_ well how much it affects you. I've  _never_  forgotten, actually." Alex reminisced.

"I've never forgotten how much your abdomen is an erogenous zone for you." Olivia said with a small smile, then continued, "I would've taken my contraception on the Monday morning after I slept with Brian, but I was running really late for work and-"

"And you bowled me over at the Supreme Court."

"I'm really sorry about that."

"Don't be. You've been bowling me over for a very long time, Olivia." Alex pressed a soft kiss to the detective's lips. "Now, do you  _really_  want me to get out of your life?"

A fresh wave of tears slid down Olivia's cheeks, "No, definitely not. I really need you now more than ever."

"Good, because I'm  _not_  going anywhere. But just so you know, I'll get out if you  _want_  me to..." Olivia went to object, but Alex raised her hand to stop her as she continued, "BUT... I'll put up a  _damn_  good case for  _us_..." Alex indicted the both of them, "before I walk out the door. I've only  _just_  got you, and I'm  _not_  going to let go so easily. I love you too much to just simply walk out of your life."

A sudden image of Alex in the court room presenting a passionate closing summary in front of Judge Lena Petrovsky in her mind made Olivia smile.

"What?" Alex wondered, seeing the brunette smile.

"Nothing. I love you so much." Olivia shook her head, lovingly embracing the ADA again. They held each other for a time before Olivia pulled back, "Alex? Am I  _really_  pregnant? This hasn't been some cruel dream or my mind playing tricks on me?" The nightmare she had been awoken from just earlier had seemed  _too_  real for her liking.

"You're pregnant," reaffirmed Alex quietly, nodding her head slightly.

Sadness ghosted over Olivia's features as she unconsciously rested her hand on her stomach, "The chances of Brian being the father are so slim. We hadn't had sex since the weekend before we broke up."

"A slim chance is better than no chance, don't you think?" Alex broached the other side of the equation, "But would it be so terrible if Brian wasn't the father?"

Shaking her head, Olivia responded. "My genes are drunk, violent and cruel. Add Lewis' perverse and sadistic genes and to the mix... I couldn't do that to a child."

"And you're neither drunk, violent or cruel. You yourself prove that no matter what you're genes are, you're the result of your upbringing. I know you've told me in the past about what you went through when your mother was drunk..." Alex brushed a featherlight finger over the old faint scar above Olivia's right eyebrow, "but she also taught you love, compassion, empathy, strength, courage..." Alex pointed to the Abhaya necklace at the base of her own throat, "and fearlessness. I'm so grateful that Serena kept you and raised you to be the gentle, kind and loving woman that you are, that's fiercely protective-"

"I couldn't protect you from being shot by Liam-"

"I've already told you, it's because of you I'm alive today."

"I couldn't protect 'Nessa from Lewis."

"I don't doubt for a second you wouldn't have tried you're best under the circumstances to protect her, Olivia."

A small, almost proud smile settled on Liv's mouth a moment as she surreptitiously glanced down at the knuckles of her right hand and unwittingly brushed the healing pink scar on the middle of her forehead with her left. "I just don't  _know_  if I could go through with it knowing Lewis was the father. Then on the other hand, this could be my  _one_  chance of being a mother."

"No matter what, this baby is  _your_  baby. Whatever you decide, I'll support your decision one hundred percent. But let's not speculate, let's wait until you know for certain before you make your decision. I would hate for you to decide not to go through with the pregnancy and it was Brian's."

"You and me both... but the chances-"

"Are very small, but not out of the realm of possibility. It only takes one time-"

"And Lewis had more than enough opportunities every single time he drugged me." Olivia said bitterly.

"Like I said, let's not speculate. It doesn't do any good." Alex reached out, tucking a long tendril of Olivia's hair behind her ear.

"I must look absurd," groaned Olivia, covering her face with her bandaged hands but peeking through her fingers at Alex.

Alex gently moved Olivia's hands away and gave her a once over, "You have an impressive bruise to your left eye socket, a wonderfully blood red left eye, an unusual hair style... warm brown eyes that I could stare at every day, a smile that makes my heart skip a beat... in all honesty, you are  _beautiful_... but my opinion might be deemed quite biased."

"You're not so bad looking yourself. I just want to get my hair cut, the sooner the better."

"You're in luck. When I spoke to Doctor Leonard, she said she'd get the local hairdresser to come around here to the hospital for you and Vanessa, so that will happen Saturday."

"Why can't it be Friday?"

"Some time tomorrow, Major Case will arrive to interview Vanessa and yourself. Don's held them off for a bit, but they're adamant to talk to the both of you ASAP. He came around to tell you while you were asleep and now he's gone fishing with Melanie's father."

Olivia searched her memory, "Melanie? Why does that name sound familiar to me?"

"Sheriff Melanie Leonard rescued you and Vanessa from the cabin."

"Ah," Liv nodded in understanding. "So the Sheriff and the Doc are sisters?"

"Wives." Alex corrected.

"Oooh! I'm glad I didn't say  _that_  to them then... that would've been  _awkward_! I have to thank the Sheriff, and apologise to the Doctor for my outburst at her during the night. She was just trying to do her job and I was so rude to her."

"I'm  _certain_  she'll understand why you did. You presented a very good argument... are you sure you're not a prosecutor?"

"I've paid very close attention to a  _certain_  prosecutor over the years. Maybe I picked up a few things along the way?" teased Olivia. "You said you organised a couple of things with Kelly. What else?"

"She also said it would be alright for you to wear your necklaces now." Alex confirmed, watching Olivia's eyes immediately zero in on the bedside drawer. The blonde retrieved the small pouch and handed to Olivia.

"Could you put these ones on me, please? I think they'll start making me feel like  _me_  again, if you know what I mean?" Olivia asked, handing Alex the old Fearlessness and Lotus Mandala pedants and chains. "And put the other back in the drawer."

Liv knew it would take time to get back to some form of normality, if ever. As the cool gold chains rested on her skin, she knew some people might see it as an insignificant step, but to Olivia this was a small step in the _right_  direction of reclaiming her life back. Before Alex could return to the chair after putting the jewellery pouch back in the drawer, Olivia commented "I really want to see 'Nessa soon."

"Kelly said Vanessa had said the same about wanting to see you. How about we go see Vanessa now?" Alex suggested.

"I'd really like that." Olivia said as Alex pushed the wheelchair towards the door.


	21. Chapter 21

"Alex, wait!" Olivia turned her head back over her left shoulder to look at Alex as they approached the nearby hospital room, her left hand clutching her IV drip pole. "Even though the door's open, don't just suddenly walk in on 'Nessa. Let me knock first, please... well, I mean could you knock quietly for me? My knuckles are healing again."

The ADA acquiesced the request with a small nod of her head, "Ok."

For the first time since her initial breakdown when the two ladies reunited during the night, Olivia opened up a little to Alex about what occurred in that dimly lit cellar, "It's just that... a lot of the time, he would... burst in on us. Sometimes we'd be able to hear the deadbolt being slid... or the door creak open, so we knew he was coming in. But many times he must have slid the deadbolt really slowly... or not have locked it at all... he'd just throw the door open. I guess it depended on what mood  _he_  was in. It would startle us both, but it would scare 'Nessa more... because we all knew  _something_  was about to happen... And I couldn't do anything to stop it."

When Alex came to the understanding that was all Olivia was going to say about it after a short silence, she thanked the brunette after placing a brief kiss on Liv's forehead.

"For what?"

"For sharing that with me. Liv, I realise and accept it'll take a while for you to tell me certain things that happened in the cellar. I  _can't_  and  _won't_  compare my time in Wit Sec and Bellevue to what you've been through... it's not a fair comparison. But I have an idea what it's like to keep things inside because you don't want people knowing, but eventually you let those walls down... like it took me to tell you what happened to me in my  _own_ time. I know you won't tell me things that happened because you'll want to protect me from it, but I do hope in time you'll be able to. Know that I'm here for you in all capacities, not matter what. All I ask is that you don't shut me out completely."

"I'm really sorry for yelling at you to get out of my life," Olivia apologised again. "Believe me, I want to be able to tell you, but right now... it's just still  _too_  raw for me to tell you a lot of it. I still have to process a lot of it myself. I-I want you to be in there with me tomorrow when Major Case interview me, but on the other hand, I don't want you in there. Does that make  _any_  sense?"

"It makes  _perfect_  sense. I'll go with you tomorrow if, and  _only_  if you want me to... although under the circumstances, I think if you  _do_  want someone in there with you, Don may be a better choice. That way, you can still tell me things in your own time." Alex suggested, comprehending how little control Olivia would have had of her own life during her imprisonment. "But that's tomorrow to worry about. Right now, let's go see Vanessa."

Olivia nodded in appreciation as the young female nurse that had helped Olivia bathe earlier that morning exited the room they were heading towards, wheeling away an empty IV drip pole.

"Hey, 'Ness?... 'Nessa?" the detective called out in a hushed tone as Alex lightly rapped her knuckles on the door frame.

"Liv!" the young red head's attention was drawn away from the gossip magazine she had been thumbing through. She hopped out of bed as Alex wheeled Olivia in to the room, before wrapping her arms gently around the detective's body and shoulders, knowing exactly where to avoid for Olivia's injuries. "It's so good to finally hug you!"

"You can say that again!" Olivia returned the hug warmly, also knowing where Vanessa's injuries were located. Vanessa's arms and legs were just as pock marked with cigarette burns as Olivia's in various stages of healing. Also random cut lines littered her body too. A large bruise to the right side of her mouth and cheek was the same multitude of colours as Olivia's eye, more than likely from a violent backhand. Her wrists just as scarred and bruised, but in a wider band than Olivia's from the antique handcuffs she had been shackled with. A large X shape healing burns on both the palms of her hand, extending from her pinkie finger across to her thumb, and from her index finger to the opposite side of the heel of her wrist. The same on the backs of her hands too, just like Olivia's currently bandaged hands. A small sticking plaster on her left mid forearm covered where her IV drip would have been inserted. Her hair was similar to Olivia, hacked off a lot at the back at different lengths, but still long tendrils at the front.

"Hi Alex!" Vanessa threw her arms around Alex's neck and body, embracing the blonde like she hadn't seen her in years, where in fact she'd never met Alex before. The blonde responded with her own surprised but pleasant hello. Pulling back, Vanessa looked down at Olivia suddenly all serious, "Did you tell her?"

"Tell her what?!" Olivia asked, feigning confusion.

Vanessa dragged a chair over and sat down on one side of the brunette, "Liv! I swear I'll tell her  _myself_  if you haven't!"

"I told her!" Olivia grinned proudly, taking Alex's hand in her own bandaged one as Alex sat down on the other chair on the other side of the wheelchair. Olivia studied Alex's face intimately as she continued, "I told Alex that I love her."

"And here I was all prepared to start clucking and call you  _chicken shit_  again!" Vanessa winked.

"I was never scared! It's just that the... timing... was never right." Olivia justified, giving the red head a non-threatening glare.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, I remember... too many complications." Vanessa rolled her eyes, "Admit it, Liv! You were  _too_  chicken shit."

Olivia shook her head in defiance, " _Never!_  And we're  _not_  having this conversation yet again!"

Both previously imprisoned women shared a knowing look and burst out laughing at their own private joke.

"Again?" Alex chimed in.

Vanessa responded, "You were a  _constant_  topic of conversation, Alex. Even though I've only just met you, I feel like I've known you forever for the amount of times Liv talked about you!"

"Oh geez 'Nessa, you make me sound like I'm obsessed with Alex." Liv covered her face in embarrassment with her free bandaged hand for a brief while.

"You're not obsessed... just in love with her. And I can really see it now!" Vanessa addressed Alex, "So why didn't  _you_  tell Liv that you're in love with her?"

"Umm.. Like Olivia said, too many complications... and timing was never right."

" _Brrrrk! Brrrrk! Brrrrk!_ " Vanessa clucked under her breath.

Olivia mouthed the words 'It's ok' to Alex, letting the blonde know that the light hearted teasing from Vanessa was not meant to offend either of them.

"Oh! Doctor Kelly said you were having tests done this morning, was it for your foot?" Vanessa was serious again.

"Yeah, my foot's fractured just like we guessed it would be. That's why I have the boot on now," Olivia covered immediately, consciously stopping herself from placing her hand on her stomach. The look and minute shake of the head she quickly gave Alex let the blonde know that baby and ultrasound were not up for discussion right now.

Vanessa continued, oblivious to the non verbal communication. "What about your hands? The burn on your back? Your cuts?"

"Healing well. The ones on my hands are still sore each time I move them, so no crutches to help me walk yet. The one on my shoulder is still tender, but we both knew seeing he only did that... well you know when he did that again. Dressings will need to be redone again soon. What about yours?"

Vanessa lifted the right sleeve of her hospital gown, revealing a freshly healing pink question mark shape burn to her bicep. "They say scarification is the next 'in thing' after tattoos," Vanessa said proudly, downplaying the injury she was displaying. "The one on  _this_  arm's healed nicely. The one on the other arms still quite a while off though, seeing... as you said, you know when he did that. Doctor Kelly said the salt he used on us would've helped stave off any infections, but it still hurt like a bitch."

Alex tried not to cringe at the brutal scarring the young defense attorney had been inflicted with, and could only imagine what Olivia's looked like seeing she had only heard about the burns thus far on her back. If they were anything like the scars revealed during the ultrasound on her torso, it wasn't going to be good.

"Yeah, the salt was just as fucking cruel as the wounds themselves. Still, he shouldn't have done that to you, 'Nessa. It wasn't ever anything to do with you."

"I had to protect you just as much as you protected me, Liv! If that meant keeping quiet about Alex to him, then that's what I had to do. I'm not sorry I did what I did!" Vanessa lowered the sleeve back down.

"Why were you keeping quiet about me?" Alex interjected.

Vanessa replied before Olivia brush aside the comment, "I don't know if you know, but Liv talks in her sleep. He heard Liv saying your name a few times she was coming to from being drugged... after that he was obsessed to find out who this Alex was. But he assumed Alex was a man because he knew about Brian. Liv feared that if he knew you were a woman, he'd be even more brutal with the torture than he already was towards her... and that he'd go after you if he knew who you were. So she kept quiet, and so did I because I knew how much you meant to Liv after all the talks we had when we were alone. Liv protected you and me... and I protected you and Liv."

A thought had crossed Olivia mind while Vanessa was explaining to Alex about how they protected each other as best they could under the circumstances. After Vanessa finished explaining, Liv leant over and whispered something in Alex's ear. Nodding her understanding, the ADA left the room as Olivia commented, "You didn't have to do that... I mean protect me, 'Ness."

"And you didn't have to goad him so much like you did just so he'd leave me alone and not hurt me as much. We've talked about this and we  _both_  did what we had to do." Vanessa was concerned about Alex's sudden departure, trying to see where the blonde went.

"Don't worry, she'll be back very soon," the brunette placated the young defense attorney's anxiety.

"Did I reveal too much to Alex?"

"You didn't tell her anything I wouldn't have told her eventually. I just don't want Alex blaming herself for the injuries  _he_  caused the both of us, because we did what we did... protected her like we did. I'm ok with her hearing what happened because  _you_  told her. She already knows I'd do anything to protect her because I love her."

"Still... I said too much, yeah?" Vanessa worried her bottom lip.

Olivia sighed, "I guess I'm still trying to protect Alex from the horrors we went through by  _not_  telling her, and she knows it."

"Yes, she  _does_  know it, and she's already told you what she thinks." Alex reentered the room, passing something to Olivia as she sat back down gathering Olivia's hand back in hers.

"I want you to have this, 'Nessa." Olivia passed the item to Vanessa, "Like I said you didn't have to protect me, or Alex even, like you did after what he repeatedly did to you... and I couldn't help you. You could've very easily used the fact that Alex is a woman, that I'm in love with her, and that I'm bisexual against me to protect yourself. Some people in the situation we were put in... and not even in the situation, just in everyday life... they would have no hesitation to used a person's sexuality against them for any advantage possible. Outing them, threatening them, blackmailing them... I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want you to have this as a thankyou for what you did."

The gold Fearlessness tag necklace rested in the palm of Vanessa's hand. "I-I can't accept this Liv!"

"You can, and you will. It's  _my_  necklace and I can do what I want with it. And I want  _you_  to have it. What you did... willingly protecting Alex and myself like that when you  _didn't_  have to... and you knew  _exactly_  what the consequences would be by  _not_  saying anything, even after  _everything_  he'd already subjected you to and kept doing to you... to me,  _that_  is the epitome of fearlessness."

Vanessa held her hand out trying to return the necklace back to Olivia. "No, you should give this to Alex. I know how much she means to you!"

"Alex already has her own," Liv indicated the necklace around Alex's neck.

"Then you keep it for yourself! It's yours, you just said!"

"I already have mine." Olivia pointed to her own necklace, then clasped both her hands around Vanessa's extended hand, "I want no arguments from you. It's yours now, 'Nessa... Alex, can you put it on her, please?"

"You didn't have to protect me either," Vanessa tried to explain as Alex took the necklace from her grasp.

"I did. I'm just sorry I couldn't stop him hurting you like he did. Officially, it might be the LAPD's motto, but ' _to protect and serve_ ' is a motto for  _all_  law enforcement officers... in  _my_  opinion. It's my job to protect, that's what I had to do... well, tried my best to do 'Ness, you know that already."

Vanessa asked as Alex clipped the necklace in place, "I never knew it was only LAPD's motto. What's NYPD's motto then?"

" _Fidelis ad Mortem_." Liv murmured with a hint of regret, still not completely convinced she'd followed that motto when she admitted to Alex that she'd slept with Brian one last time.

"Faithful Unto Death..." Alex confirmed. She then added quietly just for Olivia to hear as she made her way back to sit down, "... and I don't believe for a  _moment_  that you were or ever would be unfaithful." She shared a look with Olivia when she sat back down, reaffirming to the detective that she hadn't cheated on the ADA. Olivia opened her mouth to say something, but Alex stopped her with a shake of her head. No matter what Liv would say or think regarding her final dalliance with Brian, Alex wouldn't believe or accept Olivia cheated on her seeing they were not officially together at the time.

The red head looked down at the large gold tag pendant around her neck, "I feel like a fraud wearing this Liv. I wasn't fearless, I was  _so_  fearful...  _so_  scared... I said  _exactly_  what he wanted to hear... then he..." Vanessa trailed off, tears overwhelming her. Olivia pulled the red head closer with one arm, fighting back her own tears. They had been through so much together in that dimly lit room, they would always share a special bond that no-one else would have or truly understand.

"You're not a fraud, 'Ness... far from it, sweetie." Olivia placed a light reassuring kiss on the top of Vanessa's head while the red head continued to weep. "You were and are  _so_  strong...  _so_  brave... like I said, you didn't have to do what you did, but you did it anyway. It might take you a while to believe it, but you lived up to the term fearlessness so many times." As the brunette held the young defense attorney with one arm giving Vanessa unspoken strength, Olivia opened her other arm, needing to hold Alex and take strength from the ADA.

Vanessa rested her head lightly on Olivia's shoulder as the tears subsided, "Is it silly for me to say that I'm kinda scared to see my family?"

"You can feel whatever emotion you want, 'Ness. There's no right or wrong feeling after what we've been through."

"But they're going to look at me differently now."

"Unfortunately, they probably will look at you differently, but certainly not on purpose. They probably won't even realise they're doing it when they do... and you'll most likely end up yelling at them, or pushing them away... " Liv exchanged a small apologetic glance with Alex, "... on more than one occasion, through frustration and anger. But it's mostly because they don't know what happened to us in there. Only we do. They'll probably unknowingly treat you like a fragile porcelain china doll or a delicate spun glass figurine, but you're still the same person... because what did we talk about many times before?"

"We're not victims, we're survivors. I'm not a rape victim, I'm a rape survivor." Vanessa lifted her head off Liv's shoulder, "You still can't remember... if he... raped you?"

Olivia shook her head sadly, "No, still don't remember after all this time. But you know he drugged more much more than you. Maybe one day I'll know." Mentally adding, 'Maybe this time next week?'

"Oh my god! I forgot to tell you, I can't believe I didn't tell you right away! I'm  _not_  pregnant, Liv! Even after all the times he raped me. Isn't that great?!" Vanessa relayed, full of relief and joy.

The sudden revelation was bittersweet for the detective, as the sensation of butterflies fluttered in her stomach, taunting her. "That's... that's  _fantastic_  news, 'Nessa. I'm so glad for you!"

"You were right all along, Doctor Kelly thinks it's an anovulatory cycle, but I may need some more tests just to make sure it not early onset menopause or something if I don't start menstruating soon. So maybe he had a vasectomy? Or was infertile, seeing you're not pregnant."

"Yeah, that was probably the case." Liv responded quietly, exchanging another look with Alex so as not to burst Vanessa's bubble of happiness. She was genuinely happy for Vanessa after knowing what Lewis Williams had subjected the defense attorney to repeatedly. But the strong and cruel probability of her carrying his child wasn't easy to shake.

The three women sat there in the small hospital room in silence, many different thoughts running through each woman's head. It was a while before Vanessa spoke again, "Is he really dead? Was he really shot by the Sheriff's Department?"

"Yes, he was." A familiar voice floated from the door. This time, Olivia didn't tense up at the voice for she recognised it as coming from Kelly Leonard. "I thought you might like to meet your rescuers as they've finished up for the day, seeing yesterday was a fairly dramatic day for everyone. We can also remove your drip now, Olivia."

"That would be wonderful, for both." Liv said with a small laugh, reluctantly releasing Alex's hand and extending her arm to get the IV drip removed as fast as possible.

"I'll go and get them while the nurse removes the IV and your friend, 'Skinny'." Kel pointed to the IV drip pole.

By the time the young female nurse wheeled away the IV drip pole and placed a sticking plaster over the small wound after removing the cannula in Olivia's mid left forearm, Kelly reentered the room. She was followed by the two Winthrop Sheriff's Department members, each hold a bouquet of flowers for the previously imprisoned women. "Your rescuers, my wife Sheriff Melanie Leonard and Officer Alan Irvine. Officer Irvine was the one who shot and killed your captor after he pulled a gun on Mel."

Rookie Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine was tallish young man with a smattering of freckles across his nose and cheeks. His short, back and sides haircut was betrayed by his mop of light brown curls on the top of his head. Only his rarely seen charismatic smile would reveal his dimples, and show the true warmth in his hazel brown eyes.

Both Vanessa and Olivia tensed as Officer Irvine drew closer. He could see both women were becoming uncomfortable as he remembered the drug induced mantra Olivia had been repeating when he and Mel entered the cabin's cellar initially, so he backed off a little. Olivia was the first to relax as she processed the young Sheriff Officer wasn't a threat... he wasn't  _him_ , and her tightened grip on Alex's hand loosened. But Vanessa stayed on edge, still holding Liv's other hand a little tighter. Liv gave Vanessa's hand a light squeeze to reassure the red head.

Olivia and Melanie acknowledged each other using their professional titles, exchanging a brief hug, Mel very mindful of Olivia's injuries.

"Detective." Officer Irvine inclined his head at Olivia, then at Vanessa. "Miss."

Vanessa let go of Liv's hand, stood up and warmly embraced the Winthrop Sheriff. Ending the hug with Mel, Vanessa instinctually went to hug Officer Irvine but suddenly stopped herself and stepped back. She couldn't do it. She knew from her talks with Olivia in the cellar that it would take time to trust again. "I-I'm sorry, I can't. I-I would give you a hug Officer Irvine-"

"Please Miss, call me Alan."

"Only if you call me Vanessa."

"Ok Miss... err... sorry, Vanessa." Alan stumbled over his words.

"As I was saying Alan, I would give you a thankyou hug too... but after what I've been through, I'm quite wary of people... men. Wary of men." Vanessa corrected. She didn't want to be scared of men, she never had been, but that was  _before_  Lewis Williams. She wanted to be honest with the rookie Officer, and being honest meant revealing the truth, like she would have to tomorrow to Major Case. "Please understand it's not you personally, but I-I was repeatedly assaulted... sexually assaulted... by the man you shot dead."

"You may not believe me, Vanessa, but I  _do_  understand." Alan extended his hand for a friendly handshake to try and make Vanessa more at ease, adding under his breath with a hint of sadness. "I probably understand more than you think."

The muted comment went unnoticed by everyone, but Vanessa Meyer heard it. His hand was strong but gentle; warm and soft but slightly calloused. Not at all like the rough, burned and scarred hands of Lewis that repeatedly claimed and explored her body without permission. Vanessa had avoided eye contact with the rookie, but when her eyes eventually met with his, Alan didn't look at Vanessa with pity, but with a look of empathy.

"I won't regret saying this, but thankyou for shooting him dead... saving us," Vanessa indicated Olivia and herself, meeting Alan's eyes once more as she ended the handshake.

"Just doing my job, but it would've been earlier if I hadn't screwed up and-"

The moment was disrupted by the appearance of Vanessa's mother, father and both sisters at the door way.

"I-I have to go now." Alan stammered, abruptly leaving Vanessa's room.

"Wonder what was that all about?" Mel asked aloud.

"I have no idea." Olivia shrugged.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember I'm not a medical expert. If what Doc Kelly does is wrong, I apologise in advance :-)

"Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!" Alan muttered to himself as he quickly made his way to his partially restored red 1959 Plymouth Sport Fury hardtop in the small hospital carpark, unbuttoning the top few buttons of his khaki Sheriff Officer shirt one handed, exposing the crisp white undershirt hidden beneath.

He kicked the back driver's side white wall tyre with force, "Moron!"

"Idiot!" He thumped the steering wheel after he slid into the swivel driver's seat.

Alan's hazel brown eyes settled on the rear view mirror, "Why on  _earth_  are you even looking at her? She's been through god only knows and  _you're_  drooling over her like a high school boy the moment you lay eyes on her! Dumbass! Why would someone like  _her_  want someone as fucked up as  _you_  anyway? And mentioning your  _dirty_  little secret, what on  _earth_  were you thinking?! Oh that's right, you weren't... you  _never_  do! She'd probably react  _just_  like the last person you told the whole story to." Alan shook his head sadly, seeing his own tears welling in his eyes in the mirror reflection. He quickly swiped them away in disgust. "Such a  _fucking_  screwup! Sheriff Leonard was right, how on earth did you even manage to graduate the academy? If you'd just done your job  _properly_  and checked with the Sheriff about the  _supposed_  undercover operation, those women would've been rescued a couple of weeks ago. All  _your_  fault, you  _pathetic_  loser."

Turning the key in the ignition, the engine roared to life. Quickly reversing out, he sped away in the direction of his small rented cottage by Carlton Pond. Currently nearing lunchtime Thursday, he was so thankful he wasn't back on duty until Monday... that's even if he ever wanted to return to work again.

Maybe things would be better if he wasn't around any more?

It's not as if anyone would miss him.

Wait, no. That's not right.

No-one would miss him.

* * *

The small hospital room of Vanessa Meyer's was now far too crowded with the sudden arrival of her immediate family. Olivia could almost see the pleading in Vanessa's eyes not to leave, but Liv quietly reminded the defense attorney as she gave her a departing hug that Vanessa needed her family as much as her family needed the red head right now. Liv also said that Vanessa could come and visit her later that afternoon.

The SVU detective took Kelly up of her offer if she'd like to go outside in the little courtyard garden for a short while instead of wheeling Olivia immediately back towards her room. Mel and Alex followed after dropping Olivia's bouquet of flowers at the nurse's station to be placed in a vase for her room. The dark grey clouds from earlier had dissipated, the sun warming the grassed and paved courtyard pleasantly.

"I wonder why Officer Irvine left so suddenly?" The ADA commented aloud, holding the door open as Doctor Leonard pushed Olivia through and out to the courtyard.

Mel responded, "Who knows? Alan's a bit of a closed book really."

"What was the term you used to describe Alan when you first met him, Melanie?" Kelly asked, taking a seat next to her wife on the bench opposite Alex and Olivia.

"In that initial meeting of him, I just got this feeling that he was... a broken or tortured soul. I can't explain it any better than that. He's made a few silly rookie errors since he's been here in Winthrop, but we  _all_  do that in the beginning." Mel said, Olivia nodding in agreement. "He definitely redeemed himself when he shot that Lewis Williams. Alan's an excellent shooter, top marks on the range. I'm sure I heard him say that his grandfather taught him to shoot. He'll go far in the Sheriff's Department if he keeps improving like he has... I wouldn't be surprised if he made Deputy Sheriff, if not Sheriff, one day."

Alex asked, "Is he from around here?"

"Is he Winthrop local? No. He's from Bangor, Maine." Mel continued, "He said his mother drowned when he was a kid in a boating accident on the Penobscot River, so he was pretty much raised by his grandparents from around the age of 5 until he was about 15. Then his grandfather passed away and his grandmother continued to raise him until she died just after he graduated high school. I remember him saying he was an only child. Apart from that, he's never really spoken much about his past."

"Honey, _I_  barely talk about my life before I met you." Kelly reminded the Sheriff. The curious looks on Olivia and Alex's face made the doctor clarify, "I was disowned by my entire family when I came out to them just in my final year of high school. After I was given a wonderfully bitter, spiteful and convoluted lecture that ranged from _'lifestyle choice'_  to  _'catching the gay'_  by both what I  _thought_  were loving parents, I was told under no uncertain terms that I had 72 hours to leave my family home... that was the last thing my parents ever said to me, and I was never spoken to again. By 48 hours I'd packed up what I could, was generously taken in by a cousin of Mel's sister-in-law, Heather, and  _never_  looked back."

"You were disowned just because you came out?" Alex asked, a hint of sadness evident in her voice.

"At the time it actually made me go back into the closet, but after chance meeting Melanie some years later... it made me realise that sometimes you have to leave your family behind to make a family of your own." The doctor affirmed, gathering Mel's hand in her own. "Although I  _still_  have my suspicions that Heather might have set us up."

Kelly had come to terms with her disownment many years ago, but even after all these years, it still made Melanie's blood boil whenever the subject was mentioned. The thought of someone discarding a member of the family, a loved one being tossed aside like a piece of garbage or something scraped off the bottom of a shoe just because they were being who they were, inconceivable to the shaggy pixie cut blonde. She playfully bumped the shoulder of her wife with her own shoulder, " _They_  might have disowned you, but now I'm happy to say  _I_  own you sweetie!"

"The  _hell_  you own  _me_!" Kelly glared incredulously, then retorted with a cheeky smile. " _I_  own  _you_  Mrs Melanie Leonard, and I will  _never_  let you forget it!"

Olivia watched the interaction between the Doctor and the Sheriff, seeing nothing but pure love and adoration between the two married women. Deep down she hoped that her relationship with Alex, even though it would be classed very much in its infancy, could and would survive what had and may have occurred to her in that dimly lit room and the aftermath it would bring; and be as strong as the one being displayed right in front of her. Something as heinous as what Lewis Williams subjected her and Vanessa to could easily destroy a relationship, or irreversibly alter it forever. Her eyes slowly found the blue ones she was searching for, they showed no signs of pity. They reflected nothing but true devotion and admiration, and that made Olivia's heart soar that little bit higher.

But there was a couple of nagging thoughts she just couldn't shake.

Of course, the shock revelation of the baby now suddenly growing inside of her only hours earlier.

And, having to relive what she went through over the 128 days incarceration in detail during the interview with Major Case tomorrow.

But also right now, Vanessa Meyer.

"You're being very quiet." Alex voiced her own observation as she took Olivia's hand in her own.

Liv brushed aside Alex's concern, "I'm just enjoying the company... and being outside after all this time."

Alex studied Olivia's face then shook her head. She's seen that passive look before on Olivia and she wasn't buying it. "No... there's something else you're not saying."

The words Alex spoke earlier about not shutting her out were ringing in the detective's ears, "Honestly, I'm a little concerned about 'Nessa."

The statement piqued the doctor's interest, "Oh?"

"Maybe it was just me, seeing I've spent a lot of time with her. But while Alex and I were in there with 'Nessa... to  _me_  she seemed..." Olivia searched for the best word to describe what she was thinking, "... a little erratic."

Kelly quickly slipped back into doctor mode, pressing for more information. "How so?"

"She seemed... I don't know... all over the place. Happy, sad, serious, scared... not to say that  _I_  haven't been all over the place emotionally myself since we were rescued, thankyou by the way..." Olivia passed on her gratitude to the Sheriff, "but 'Ness wasn't like that in the cellar. Well, I didn't seem to notice that much. Granted, we both had our moments with what happened to us in that cabin. I just don't want her not getting help if she ends up needing it."

"Seeing you've spent so much time with her, I'll take your concern on board Olivia. We'll keep an eye on her, but don't dismiss the fact that you've  _both_  been under what I can only imagine was  _extremely_  traumatic conditions and now you're both trying to readjust back to some form on normality. You said so yourself, you've been all over the place with your own emotions. It'll take time, patience and understanding. Hopefully Vanessa will have family and friends around her to help and support her, like you have Alex."

"Perhaps she's trying to cover her stress? Maybe she's really worried about talking to Major Case tomorrow, and trying her best not to show it?" Alex suggested.

"Why? She's a lawyer, isn't she?" Mel asked. "Shouldn't be too difficult."

"Trust me when I say it's different when your on the  _other_  side of the equation." Alex said, easily remembering what it was like being on the other side of the witness stand during the Liam Connors trial. She was so grateful Olivia showed her the police file on the Irishman that night at the motel, it was the first time she had felt like a fish out of water before reading that folder.

"I hope that's the case, Alex." There was something else that Olivia felt the need to address, "Ahh... Kelly? I'd also like to apologise to you."

The doctor knew what this was stemming from, "Forget about it, Olivia."

"No, I can't. I was exceedingly rude and abrupt with you during the night, when all you were trying to do was your job. I'm also sorry for questioning your qualifications... and saying that you got your medical PhD from a cereal box."

Kelly snorted with laughter, "You're not the first patient to accuse me of being crazy when I've given them an  _unexpected_  diagnosis. So maybe I got my PhD from a Froot Loops box?"

The 3 other women joined in the laughter. With the intensity of everything that had occurred lately, it was nice to share a laugh with new friends.

"But then again, Froot Loops is a  _very_  suspect food and never should be trusted. It contributed to me becoming a lesbian, seeing that's one of the things my mother said made me  _'catch the gay'_ from," Kelly added.

"You're kidding, aren't you?!" Alex asked, trying to stifle her laughing at the sheer absurdity of the statement.

"I wish I was! Skittles... also a contributing factor. As were Fruit Runts...  _and_  any other rainbow coloured candy. So according to my mother, I _'caught the gay'_  from eating them, and made a _'lifestyle choice'_  to  _'stay gay'_."

Olivia said what she was, and what she was sure Alex was thinking, "That's ridiculous!"

"I know, right?" Mel agreed.

"Sad, but true." Kelly confirmed with a nod of her head. "They weren't even fundamentalists. They were just utterly unaccepting of the fact that their daughter's stomach churned at the mere thought of being with a man intimately. I'm so glad Melanie's family were more accepting than mine."

The shift back to the Sheriff made Olivia's next statement easier, "Mel, once again  _thankyou_  for rescuing 'Nessa and me. I just kept hoping... one day... one day... thank goodness that one day finally came."

"I still feel responsible for not finding you both sooner. I'd been at the cabin only an hour or so after Alan let Lewis go a couple of weeks back!"

"I was passed out, but 'Nessa had said she heard a vehicle once. When she told me after I regained consciousness, I thought she'd been hallucinating or hearing things... but I never said anything about it because I didn't want either of us to give up hope of ever being found."

"Hmm, maybe that's why Alan left suddenly... he feels guilty too, and the guilt got to him when he met you and Vanessa just before. I was  _pretty_  harsh on him that day, reamed him out for being incompetent after I got back." Mel recalled the day all too well.

"Should you go and check on him? I'd really like to thank him properly seeing it was cut short. I'm sure 'Nessa would too." Olivia suggested.

Mel thought a moment, "I'll give Alan a day's peace and check on him on Saturday, even though he's not back on duty until Monday. I'll make him come back so you can thank him properly."

"Make it Saturday afternoon, Melanie... after they've both been with the hairdresser." Kelly turned her attention back to the SVU detective, "Well I'm fairly certain you're going to hate me in a few moments."

Liv was a taken aback at the statement, "Why's that? It takes a lot for me to hate someone."

"Well, maybe not hate per se, but I'm positive you'll dislike me. I'm going to make you stand up... maybe see if you can take a couple of steps on the walking boot."

A pained expression settled on Olivia's face at the very suggestion of walking right now.

"Yep, seen  _that_  look before," Kelly said with a sly grin. "Better give you an incentive to try. Alex... take a few steps back. Melanie... you go on the other side to steady Olivia when she stands. It's going to hurt as much, if not more, than how it happened when you first put weight on it. So right foot first to get you up,  _then_  put your left foot down to see how it feels. Melanie and I will help you up out the chair."

"Shouldn't we be using a nurse for this, honey?" Mel balked at the suggestion by the doctor.

Olivia placated the Sheriff's apprehension, "Your wife undoubtedly trusts you... and you saved my life, so I most certainly trust you."

The 12 or so feet away that Alex was standing wasn't far, but right now for Olivia, she might as well have been half a mile away. Liv asked as she mentally prepared herself, "Do I get a reward when I get to you, Cabot?"

Alex just waggled her eyebrows in response as she smiled widely at the detective. Olivia chuckled, that was encouragement enough. Taking several deep, focusing breaths to build up the fortitude, the brunette gave a single nod of her head to indicate she was ready for Kelly and Mel's assistance to stand. Being unable to push herself up and out the wheelchair with her burned, bandaged hands, Kel and Melanie hooked their arms underneath Liv's armpits, hoisting the detective on to her right foot. The movement of her arm aggravated the burn on her right scapula the most, but Liv knew the discomfort would be overtaken by the pain of standing.

" _Fucking bitch!_ " Liv spat in agony through gritted teeth as she put weight on her left foot for the first time since Lewis Williams kicked her severely with steel capped boots only days ago, causing the fracture and heavy bruising. She may have been wearing a removable walking boot for support, but still the pain shot through her leg like a bullet.

"Yeah, been called  _that_  before too." Kel quipped with a laugh, causing Olivia chuckle again, momentarily forgetting the pain.

Mel and Kelly helped Liv for the first couple of steps, letting her get her balance before Olivia said she wanted to walk by herself. Both the doctor and sheriff stayed close in the event of Olivia faltering in her progress. Gradually and tentatively, each painful step drew Olivia closer to her destination, closer to Alex. Finally for Olivia, it felt wonderful to be pressed up against the lithe body of Alex Cabot, and have the blonde's arms enveloping her again after all this time. She badly wanted to wrap her arms around Alex's neck and shoulders, but the recent rebranding burn on her right scapula from her gold shield, the burns from the wire coat hanger wire to her left and the random slices to her back made it too painful for that just yet. But having her arms firmly around the younger woman's waist wasn't such a terrible alternative.

Olivia eyes darted down to Alex's mouth for a moment before becoming lost in the blue eyes behind familiar black framed glasses, "So... now I'm here, where's my reward?"

"Right here." Alex smiled, pressing her lips to Olivia's.

* * *

Olivia's jaw dropped in amazement as she was wheeled back in to her room by Alex, Kelly and Mel right behind her. "Oh my! Why is...  _how_  did my room suddenly become a florist shop?!"

All 3 women behind her snickered, almost conspiratorially.

" _This_  is why you didn't take me back to my room after we left 'Nessa? I should've known you'd do something like this Alex." Olivia grumbled lightheartedly.

"Well, I  _did_  have some inside help from Kelly and Mel, and the nurses. I arranged it while you were sleeping. Each vase of flowers is from a different person. So there should be a bunch each from Don, John, Fin, Amanda, Nick, Joe, Rafael, the SVU team as a whole, Elliott and Kathy, Casey, Serena, Joe and Brian's mother, Kelly and Mel, the Winthrop Sheriff's Department... and me."

Olivia's eyes wandered the room, taking in each vase of colourful blooms. Mixtures of all different shades of roses, irises, tulips, carnations, dianthuses and alstroemerias, but each vase had a few consistent blooms scattered throughout. "Most of them have similar flowers in them.. what are they?"

"Each bunch from 'SVU family members' should have a few Mixed Zinnias in them. They mean 'thinking of an absent friend'. You were never far from our thoughts... you were never far from  _my_  thoughts," Alex explained, a few stray tears betraying her.

Olivia saw the tears and immediately took Alex's hand, placing a light kiss on her pale knuckles to try and take away Alex's anguish. "And you were never far from mine, sweetheart."

As Kelly and Alex were assisting Olivia back into bed, suddenly a very angry, frustrated voice cut through the quiet. "OH MY GOD! JUST STOP IT!"

"That's 'Nessa!" Olivia panicked, struggling to get back out of bed.

"Nuh-uh.  _You_  stay put. You're a patient now." Kelly put her hand on Olivia's shoulder, halting her from getting up. "Alex, make sure she stays there." A brief glance to Melanie was all it took for the Sheriff to follow after the doctor.

* * *

"OH MY GOD! JUST STOP IT!" Vanessa screamed from her seated position on the hospital bed. She swung her legs over the side, and hopping off the bed.

"Vanessa, what's wrong?" Mrs Meyer fretted after her youngest daughter.

"STOP TREATING ME LIKE I'M A FUCKING CRIPPLE!" Vanessa pinched the bridge of her nose to attempt to lessen her chargrin.

"There's no need to talk with such vulgarity like that! The whole hospital doesn't need to hear you causing a scene. Now lower your voice, Vanessa." Mr Meyer berated softly.

Vanessa paced back and forth in her small hospital room, "NO I WON'T! I was  _raped_ , I'm not PHYSICALLY INCAPABLE of doing things MYSELF! If I  _wanted_  a drink of water, I'd drink some damn water! If I _wanted_  my pillows fluffed, I'd fucking do it myself! If I  _wanted_  to tell you what happened to me, I'd be telling you! And if I wanted  _either_ or _both_  of you to be in the room when I talk to the Major Case Detectives tomorrow, I'd fucking well ask you to accompany me!"

"Do we have a problem here?" Doctor Leonard entered the room, Sheriff Leonard a step behind. Mel would have no hesitation removing anyone from the small hospital if any of the Winthrop Medical Centre's staff were threatened, not just her wife.

"No, Doctor." Mr and Mrs Meyer said in unison as each of Vanessa's fraternal sisters rolled their eyes.

The defense attorney talked over the top of her parents, "YES! Yes WE do. I'd like for my  _parents_ to leave this room and come back when they start treating me like they used to... or the way they were treating me when they first walked in here! "

"Vanessa, there's no need to speak to us like that." Mrs Meyer chastised.

Kelly spoke before anyone else could, "I'm sorry Mr and Mrs Meyer, I don't want to have to say this, but if you're upsetting my patient and continue to do so, I'll respectfully have to ask you to leave."

Mr Meyer riled up at the very suggestion, "We have just flown half way across the country to see our little girl after all this time! You can't kick us out!"

"Actually, I can and I will, if I have to. Vanessa may be your daughter, but right now, she's my patient... and my patient's welfare is paramount to her recovery while she's in this hospital."

"Mom, Dad... I love you both more than anything... but please don't do  _that_... stop  _coddling_  me and don't  _pity_  me. Veronica and Valerie, you can both stay. At least you're both treating me  _normally_."

"We're not pitying you!" Mr Meyer eyes widened.

"Oh  _please_ , I can see it in your faces and demeanour. You know what? Right now, I'd like you  _both_  to check in to the motel, have a few hours sleep seeing  _neither_  of you slept on the plane and come back later in the afternoon when you can treat me like your  _daughter_ , not like someone who's dying of an incurable disease and is about to take their last breath!"

"Vanessa darling, we're trying-" Mrs Meyer tried to calm her daughter.

Vanessa narrowed her eyes, looking at both her parents to make sure she had the attention of both of them, "What you're doing in  _trying_  my patience!  _Please leave now..._ and come back later. If you don't, I'll ask Sheriff Leonard to escort you from the room  _immediately_."

* * *

Not long after 6-30pm, Vanessa Meyer appeared at Olivia's door, knocking lightly so as not to startle the brunette who was looking at photos of her and Alex on Alex's phone. The ADA had left it with Liv to peruse when Olivia had insisted the blonde go and have dinner with the Leonards and Don Cragen, so they could have some time together afterwards. Alex had preprogrammed Kelly and Mel's numbers into her phone if Olivia needed to contact her before she arrived back after 7pm. Liv indicated for the red head to sit down on the chair next to the bed after a warm hug.

"I take it you heard me yell at my parents earlier today?" Vanessa cringed at the memory.

"Oh  _yeah_ , I heard you."

"I didn't intend to do that... but, oh my god, they were treating me like a child! Like I couldn't do anything by myself... the last straw was my mother insisting on remaking the bed. She couldn't even look at me in the eye from the moment you and Alex left my room... and all my father wanted to know was what happened. I'm glad my sisters were normal, or at least trying to be. You were right, you warned me what they could be like and how I could react, but I never imagined they'd really be like that. I truly thought you were preparing me for the worst case scenario."

"They're just trying to deal with what happened the best way they think they can. Some try and ignore what happened, some want to know everything. Everyone reacts differently."

Vanessa took some time to think over what Olivia had just said, eventually breaking the small silence. "Why did Alan leave so suddenly?"

"I was going to ask  _you_  that very question seeing you were the last person to talk to him before he left."

Vanessa tried to recall the interaction, "I thanked Alan for shooting  _him_ dead... He said he he was just doing his job but he screwed up or something. Then my family arrived and he took off."

"The Sheriff said he made a rookie error a couple of weeks back, so he probably feels quite guilty about it. Maybe he couldn't face your family with all the guilt he felt?" Liv suggested.

"Maybe you're right." Vanessa agreed quietly.

"Don't worry about it. Sherrif Leonard said she'll get him to come back on Saturday, we can thank him properly. Right now, we both better try and get a good nights sleep, we have a big day tomorrow."

"I don't  _have_  to have someone in there with me, do I?"

"No, you don't 'Nessa. Major Case will just want to know what happened to you."

"You can't be in there with me, can you?" Vanessa asked dejectedly, already knowing what the answer would be.

"They'll be interviewing me at the same time, but separately from you. So unfortunately I can't."

"Is Alex going to be with you?"

"I  _want_  her to be, but I don't think it's a good idea for her to hear everything just yet. It'll be difficult enough reliving it all because Major Case will want details. I want to be able to tell Alex everything, but in  _my_  time... when _I'm_  ready, and she knows and accepts that."

"I wish my parents were as understanding like that. I swear if they even try and accompany me in to the room with Major Case, I'll ask them to return to Ohio immediately."

"Maybe you could try and convince them to wait in the motel room until after it's finished. Or maybe you can convince your sisters to show them around the town while you talk to Major Case, then let them know when it's over, or when  _you're_  ready to see them. As I said, it'll probably be intense reliving a lot of what happened. I'm sure Kelly or Mel can help with some nice places to visit."

"I think that's a good suggestion, particularly about seeing them when  _I'm_  ready." Vanessa gave the detective a farewell embrace, "Thanks for listening and talking with me Liv. I'd better get some rest."

As she approached the doorway, Vanessa stopped. "Hey Liv, I just remembered... Alan said he  _understood_  more than I thought he would when I mentioned being wary. What do you think he meant by that?" She turned back to face the brunette sitting up in bed.

"I don't know, 'Nessa. He could mean anything." Olivia said, but after all the years working at SVU she had a niggling feeling that she did know.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter (part 1 of 2, I opted to split it - a chapter for each woman's interview) is written in the similar style used in ch.13 with cutting between flashbacks and present day, so just a heads up :-). It won't be graphic or gratuitously detailed in the recalling of what happened, I personally can't write like that. I'll try and keep it as clinical and respectful as possible so as not to trigger any survivors that might be reading. I'll keep "detailed" for beautiful lady loving scenes. Sadly, it might be a while before one of those happens again :-(. But just remember, you can be like Alex and Olivia and relive their night and morning in the motel ;-) .

Alex was sitting beside Olivia outside Conference Rooms 1 and 2, holding the detective's bandaged hand in support before her interview began. The long tendrils of Olivia's hair were tied back with a hair elastic, in a haphazard half-up/half-down style, she didn't want to have to keep pushing her hair back behind her ears today. It also gave her some ideas how her new hairstyle could be when she got it cut and styled on Saturday. She was dressed in her blue hospital gown, and a pair of blue scrub pants with both inside and outside leg seams split up to the left knee. She had wanted to be in normal clothes by now and had even asked Doctor Leonard if it was possible, but with the constant changing of her dressings on her back and scapulas, the changing of her hospital underwear, and the walking boot hadn't allowed for it just yet.

Olivia chewed on her bottom lip, "Alex... I..." She tried to find the words she wanted to say, but they suddenly had left her.

The blonde could sense what Liv was trying to say, so she said it for her. "You don't want me in there, do you?"

"My answer is still the same. I  _do_ , but I  _don't_. Are you... alright... with that?" Olivia avoided eye contact, but Alex heard the hint of uncertainty in her voice. Alex reached out, gently turning Liv's face towards her own.

"Olivia... I told you before, I respect and understand your decision. Why the sudden insecurity? Did you have another nightmare last night?"

"I didn't sleep too well last night with you not being in the room." Liv neither confirmed or denied the answer to the question. "I just don't know how I'm going to go with you not being in the room with me during the interview. But I also want to protect you from it, so I don't want you thinking I'm shutting you out." Liv sighed, "I know there'll be things I'll be talking about that I don't even want  _Cragen_  to know."

"It was my suggestion to have Don in there with you, but you don't have to have him in there either if you don't want him... you know that."

Liv considered her options then came to a decision, "I... I'm not going to have the Captain in there with me either. I think it will be easier for me."

"Ok. It's your decision, and yours alone. We'll tell him when he gets here, which shouldn't be too much longer." Alex checked her watch, 8-10am. Alex reached out, lightly touching Olivia's Fearlessness plaque, "You know I'll be in there with you... just like you'll be out here with me." She moved her hand away from Olivia to touch her Abhaya Sanskrit plaque. "The question is: do you want me to wait here for you or not?"

"Yeah, I want you to be here when I'm finished, I want  _you_  to be the first thing I see when the door opens. I also want to tell you something before Cragen gets here."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

"I love you too." Alex moved and gave Olivia a soft kiss, but when Liv reluctantly let go of Alex's hand a few moments later, the blonde knew that the SVU detective had slipped into professional mode. Following Olivia's line of sight, Alex saw Don Cragen approaching, ending his conversation on the phone.

"Just checking in with Munch and the squad. They all send their love and hope you love the flowers, Liv."

"They're really beautiful. I'll have to thank them all later, send a few photos of them to see what they spent their money on."

"You're worth every penny, and more." Alex said with a smile.

Don took a seat next to Olivia, "Are you ready for this?"

"Cap... I ahh... I decided I'm going to do this by myself. I would've told you earlier, but I only just decided a little while ago. So if you want to go fishing with Mel's father again, you can."

Captain Cragen nodded, "Sure, if that's what you want. I'll just wait here with Alex until your interview begins."

"Thanks, I appreciate it."

A few moments later the door opened and a voice from inside the room spoke, "Detective Benson."

Alex helped Olivia to her feet, whispering once again that she loved the brunette and she'd wait right outside until the interview was over. Liv slowly made her way inside, taking her time to get used to walking on the walking boot once again. At least she braced herself for the pain this time. As she entered through the Conference Room 2 door and closed it behind her, Liv's eyes found the clock on the wall, 8-15am. The voice from the other side of the room made her blood boil and her stomach sink at the same time.

"Detective Benson, won't you take a seat?"

Instead of responding to the request, Olivia immediately swung the door back open, the tone of her voice indicated she clearly wasn't happy. "Captain, can you come in please?"

After having just been told he wasn't needed, the sudden change in attitude was a quite surprising, but it made absolute sense as Don Cragen entered Conference Room 2, and saw who was standing on the other side of the desk.

The SVU Captain's mood instantly reflected the Detective's.

* * *

Alex tried to fathom why Olivia had suddenly called Don in, and why Liv's mood had darkened so quickly. She was pulled from her musings as Vanessa approached the waiting area. Alex stood up, enveloping the young attorney in a warm embrace.

"Hey Vanessa! How are you this morning?"

"Hi Alex. I'm holding alright, but Liv's told be it'll me a long, intense day. Where is she? I was hoping to see her before either of us began." Vanessa sat down in the chair that Olivia had vacated.

"I'm sorry, you just missed her. She's already gone in for her interview and taken Captain Cragen in with her not... 2 minutes ago."

"Oh well, I might catch up with her after we've finished then."

"I'll let her know, I'm going to wait out here for her until she's finished. Are any of your family waiting for you?"

"No, I convinced my sisters to take Mom and Dad to Augusta for the day and do some shopping, seeing they never even thought to pack me any clothes when they left Ohio." Vanessa indicated her hospital issue attire. "I said I'd let them know when  _I_  was ready to see them later in the day."

"That's probably a good idea, but if you'd like, I can wait here for you too. You might even finish before Olivia, or vice versa."

"That'd be really nice, thanks Alex."

The door to Conference Room 1 opened, "Hello. I'm Special Agent James Dalton, FBI. Vanessa, we're ready for your interview now."

Vanessa tensed, but when she saw a female standing just behind the FBI agent she relaxed. As she stood up, Alex stood as well, and gave the red head a quick hug, "Good luck. Just remember, Vanessa... fearlessness."

"Fearlessness." Vanessa confirmed trying to gather her courage, and entered Conference Room 1.

Alex glanced at her watch again, 8-20am. Today was going to be a  _very_  long day.

* * *

Her eyes darted around the room.

She didn't want to do this.

She didn't want to be here.

But she knew it  _had_  to be done.

The video camera was already set up on the tripod ready to record as much of her harrowing 128 days ordeal as she could recall. She felt like a suspect being interrogated for a crime she didn't commit, but knew it was only for the benefit of the investigators in the room to help fill in the gaps, finalize and close their case. The man stood up, his finger hovering over the record button, his voice broke the current silence, "You ready?" He had done most of the talking so far with the brief introductions, so it was obvious to her that he was the lead investigator. But she felt more at ease with the female detective also in the room.

She nodded her head slightly, yes. "Let's get this over with."

"Ok, let's begin." He pressed the button then returned to the opposite side of the table. "Today's date is Friday, 27th September 2013. The time is currently 8-25am. Location is Conference Room 1, Winthrop Medical Centre, Winthrop, Maine. Interviewers are Special Agent James Dalton, FBI and Detective Shelley Moreton, NYPD Major Case Squad. This is being recorded for the benefit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation due the kidnapping and crossing of State lines of Vanessa Meyer, and NYPD Detective Olivia Benson. Can you please state your name for the tape?"

"Vanessa Lauren Meyer."

"Occupation?"

Even just the thought of saying it left a bitter taste in her mouth now after what her last client did to her, "I'm a Defense Attorney employed at Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates, in Manhattan."

"Let's go back to the afternoon of Monday 20th May, 2013. In your own time, can you tell us what happened to you after Judge Blake declared a mistrial and released Lewis Williams on bail?"

Sitting at the small conference table dressed in a pale blue medical scrub top and a pair of dark green medical scrub pants, Vanessa played with the Fearlessness tag necklace Olivia had given her the day before with a trembling hand, valiantly trying to gather the fearlessness it had stamped on the gold pendant and Alex Cabot's earlier encouragement and turn it into genuine fearlessness to tell her story. Of what she  _could_  recall, she remembered clearly and in vivid detail. But just like Olivia Benson, there were parts that had been snatched away in her drug induced hazes.

"M-my law firm... they put up the money for his bail..."

"Lewis Williams?" Detective Moreton gently prompted.

"Yes... Lewis Williams. My bosses couriered the money over... I paid the bond. I-I was instructed by my law firm... that after I paid his bail I was to drive him... Lewis... to anywhere he needed to go... in New York City. We then walked to my car... in the car park at the court house."

The red head's memory of the event was as clear as the day it happened...

* * *

_Vanessa headed towards her silver car at the designated area for lawyers at the court house car park, attaché case in hand. Lewis Williams walking beside her, a small smirk curling the corner of his lips._

_"Now you're out on bail... my bosses, well MY boss actually... he has informed me that I'm to drive you anywhere you want to go in New York City, Lewis."_

_"That's very charitable of him, and you. You know, you really are a wonderful defense attorney, Vanessa. I might have to keep you on retainer if the NYPD decide to go to retrial." Lewis said as charming as he could while trying to bite back a snicker. "How those detectives could be so adamant I'd do THOSE terrible, heinous things... you were right, they had a vendetta against me. Particularly that Detective Benson. I'm SO glad you were able to show the judge that."_

_"Well, everyone has the presumption of innocence until proven guilty... and everyone deserves the right to legal representation and defense. It's why I became a defense attorney. The burden of proof lies with the the prosecution, NOT the defense. And I was just doing my job to the best of my ability."_

_"You did your job very well!" Lewis made idle small talk, intently watching Vanessa's every move as she placed her attaché case on the trunk of her car. "So, that burden of proof saying, does that have a Latin translation?"_

_"Umm... yes, it does. Let me think... you're really testing me now... it's... Semper necessitas probono... ahh, wait that's not right... Semper necessitas probandi incumbit ei qui agit. Basically, 'the necessity of proof always rests upon the person who brings the action.' Like I said, the burden of proof lies with the the prosecution, not the defense. Ok, now where do you want to go in New York Lewis? Do you have a place you can stay, or motel room?"_

_As Vanessa's focus was drawn to digging around her attaché case for her car keys, the swift, sudden movement behind her caught her off guard. In an instant, one strong hand was over her mouth, the other pulling her small frame body against his large muscular form._

_"Sorry to have distracted you like that. I DON'T want to hurt you, Vanessa. But if you scream, struggle or make a sound, I WILL kill you... no hesitation. Death by strangulation is very easy y'know. That old lady... Alice Parker... she did everything I asked her when I was with her... I hope you do too... she said the words and DIDN'T get hurt... I hope you'll do the same, too."_

_With his strong left forearm holding her close to his body and the left hand crushing more firmly to her mouth and jaw, his free right hand lazily trailed downward over her slender hip and thigh, along the bottom hem of her pencil skirt, then ever so slowly inching higher up the supple skin of her inner thigh. Trembling with fear, the young red head tried valiantly to calm her breathing, but whimpered in apprehension, desperately fighting back tears when the rough tips of his burned fingers brushed the lacy fabric at the crotch of her panties for a brief moment._

_"Thanks for getting me off, Vanessa." Lewis murmured quietly, his lips brushing the shell of her ear, the bulge at the front of his trousers unmistakable as he pressed himself against her backside. He added with a chuckle, "The charges that this."_

_His rough hand slowly trailed back down her inner thigh, leisurely straightening the hem of her skirt. "I really should thank you properly... after all, you're going to be TIED UP for a while. But we also need to go and find that bitch detective... then we'll go for a little drive in the wilderness. While you'll both be guests of mine, that Detective Benson... she's going to be the GUEST of honour! Although right now, I need to deal with you."_

_Darkness enveloped the young woman when Lewis forcefully headbutted the back of Vanessa's skull..._

* * *

"That's the last thing I remember until I briefly woke up again," Vanessa wiped the tear sliding down her cheek. She was trying her best so as not to feel as though she was being violated all over again.

"Do you know where you were when you woke up?" Special Agent Dalton asked.

She took a few steadying breaths, "Not a specific location. All I can tell you is that I was in the trunk. He wasn't joking when he said I'd be _'tied up'_ , because I was bound with my hands behind my back and gagged. When I came to for that short while, the trunk was popped open... it was getting darker, and traffic was getting heavier so I assumed we were still in the city. We must have been pulled up kerb side or something. He looked down at me for a while, like he was studying me or something, then he spoke."...

* * *

_Her eyes slid in and out of focus for a moment, but one thing she was certain of, she was unable to move. She was bound and gagged and in the trunk of her own car._

_Lewis loomed above her, one hand holding open the trunk, the other holding a gun._

_"Hey, you're waking up! Good girl! Now you're probably wondering where I got THIS gun from? Same place I got the last one from that I used with Alice Parker... throw someone a few hundred bucks and you can get anything you want in this city! And if you're wondering... it's untraceable, serial numbers have been filed off. So, with no fingerprints... no serial numbers... I'm sure you get the idea." He caressed the gun along her cheek and chin, almost lovingly. "Now, I'M in charge, I'm ALWAYS in charge. Always remember that. You wait here, I'll back in a moment."_

_He lowered the trunk of the car, but not closing it completely, leaving it cracked open just a tad. Vanessa heard the muffled sound of a car door opening... perhaps the drivers side or passenger side? She couldn't be sure, then a few moments later the door slamming closed. The trunk opened again, she couldn't see the gun now._

_"I'm gonna go get our guest of honour in a short while, but first I need to check out her apartment building... see what I'm dealing with. I just wanted to make sure you were alright back here. When we get to where we're going, never forget this Vanessa... all you have to do is beg me... plead me... say you'll do anything... and I won't hurt you. Do you understand?"_

_Vanessa whined in fear, unable to say anything with the gag in her mouth._

_"You'd better get some rest now... we've got a long journey ahead of us. And then... fun times ahead!" He reached out his hands, cradling her cheeks delicately, slowly firming his grip, pulling her head towards him. The red head whimpered, trying to pull away, but his grip was too powerful._

_"Nighty night." Lewis cooed, unexpectedly thrust his hands back, her head hitting something hard._

_Darkness again..._

* * *

Vanessa unconsciously rubbed the spot on the back of her head as she remembered the event. "My head must have hit the wheel arch to make me pass out like I did. When I finally regained consciousness again while we were travelling, I felt a warm body up against mine. I figured it was Liv after -"

"Detective Olivia Benson?" clarified Detective Moreton.

"Yes, that's Liv. I figured it was her after what Lewis had said. But it wasn't until he pulled over and took the photograph that I was certain it was Liv in the trunk with me. I was lying in one direction in the trunk, she was lying the opposite way. I briefly saw her face with the flash when... Lewis... took the photo."

Special Agent Dalton prompted Vanessa to continue when she fell silent. She told them about how Lewis frogmarched her into the cabin, shackling her to the chain on the wall, then returning with Olivia. How Olivia resisted, but was drugged with Rohypnol, falling heavily to the floor and Lewis kicking her in the thighs, then he left again after the 'Mind Fuck, Maine' speech. How Lewis left them alone for quite a while, but when he returned, he fed them a meal and Olivia was once again drugged but she wasn't.

"He was going to hurt Liv while she was drugged... so I... I tried to protect her from him... I finally said the words."

"The words?" Special Agent Dalton asked.

Vanessa fell silent.

_Those words._

Terrible words.

Horrible words.

A nightmare revisited.

"The words?" Detective Moreton gently reasked the question.

"D-do I have to repeat them?" Vanessa's voice cracked.

Detective Moreton could tell the defense attorney was starting to struggle. Before she could say anything, Special Agent Dalton replied with an annoyed sigh, "It would help!"

Vanessa snapped, glaring daggers at the man on the other side of the table. "HELP WHO?! IT DIDN'T HELP ME! MADE THINGS WORSE AFTER I SAID THEM!"

The Major Case detective gave Special Agent Dalton a withering look that clearly indicated for him to back off. He shifted uncomfortably in his chair as Detective Moreton gave Vanessa a genuine apologetic look, and said in a soft kind tone, "I completely understand that you don't want to repeat what you said... those words... but if you  _could_  repeat them, just once... for the tape? Please?"

"I said them once... then he..." Vanessa trailed off. Once again, the defense attorney began toying with the Fearlessness pendant, she knew what was coming next.

All three people in the room waited in silence for quite a time while Vanessa regained her confidence to continue. Her voice barely above a whisper, "I said something like... ' _Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want'_... after that he... he took me to the upstairs part of the cabin... I screamed when he started... torturing me... he tortured me... burned me... cut me... punched me... threatened me with the gun... my gun... "

Detective Moreton asked, " _Your_  gun? Vanessa, what do you mean by that?"

Her voice was almost monotone while recalling the details, "The gun with the serial numbers filed off was  _'my'_  gun... he was  _very_  specific about that... the  _other_  gun that he had, that was for Liv... L-Lewis said he stole it from a Police Officer... Bri-Brian Cassidy... after he shot and killed him in Liv's apartment... Brian was Liv's boyfriend... Lewis threatened me with the  _other_  gun once before he realised it was the  _wrong_  gun...  _I_  paid for his mistake  _that_  time... extra violent he was... but  _that_  happened later on, not the first time he..." Vanessa trailed off.

"Let's just stick with the first time, ok?" Detective Moreton steered Vanessa in the direction that was necessary.

The young red head took a long steadying breath before she continued, "He threatened me with  _my_  gun before he...  _his_  hands were all over me..." She rubbed then lightly clawed at her skin of her forearm with blunt fingernails, trying to rid herself of the dirtiness she was reliving and felt... that  _he_  had made her feel. "I-I told him... screamed at him... pleaded with him... STOP!... NO!... DON'T!... repeatedly... over and over... but he didn't listen. He was all over me... on me... inside me... it was like after I said  _those words_... he had free reign of me... my body... doing whatever he wanted... whatever he pleased."

She shifted on the chair, bringing her right foot up on the chair seat, allowing herself to hug her bent knee, trying to shield herself yet be comfortable as possible at the same time.

"I do have to ask you some questions, Vanessa. I'm really sorry if they make you uncomfortable. You can answer them in your own time, ok?" Detective Moreton had effectively taken over the interview seeing Vanessa was responding better with her. "We have been informed you had a SOEC kit done, it showed you  _hadn't_  been raped recently."

"No, I hadn't. We pretended I had my period so he'd leave me alone... he'd leave us both alone. The very thought of it disgusted him. Liv suggested it to me to tell him that and it worked."

"Did Lewis Williams ever rape you?"

Vanessa covered her eyes with her hand, attempting to stay focused on the questions, yet trying to push the tears back inside and not to break down emotionally. "Yes... many times. All different ways. Every. Single. Time."

"Vanessa, I need to you to be a little more specific. I'll ask the questions, all you need to do is confirm, ok?"

The red head nodded her understanding, still keeping her eyes covered.

"Did he rape you vaginally?"

"Yes."

"Orally?"

"Yes. H-he forced himself inside my mouth... and his mouth on me."

"Anally?"

"No... In  _his_  words, he said that was for...  _faggots_... and he wasn't one of them.  _His_  words,  _not_  mine. I  _really_  don't like the derogatory term he used."

Special Agent Dalton made a small noise in the back of his throat, and tried not to roll his eyes.

"It's ok Vanessa, neither do  _I_." Detective Moreton stared icily at the FBI agent. "Digitally?"

"Yes."

"Did he use any toys? Or items?"

"No. He said... I'd take  _him_  and only  _him_... each time."

"Did he ever wear a condom?"

"No, never."

Special Agent Dalton lazily threw a question as Vanessa, "Do you remember  _how_  many times Lewis raped you?"

Uncovering her eyes, Vanessa once again glared at the FBI agent. She  _really_  didn't like the tone of the man's voice, nor the man himself. It was as if this interview was a waste of his precious and valuable time and he wanted to be anywhere else, and to be honest Vanessa wished he was. She retorted, "NO! I DIDN'T KEEP A TALLY! SHOULD I HAVE DONE SO?!"

He shrunk back into his chair as Detective Moreton resumed her line of questions, "Did he  _always_  remove you from the cellar when he began assaulting you?"

"Yes. He said it was easier to move me than move Liv because she was too... feisty. More like she was too strong for him. She broke his nose once! That was a real good day! He left us alone for some time." Vanessa recalled with a laugh. "Even when he wasn't... assaulting... or torturing me, it was easier to move me when he wanted... alone time... with Liv. That's what  _he_  called it. Alone time."

"Do you know if Lewis ever raped Detective Benson?"

"No, I don't. Like I said, he'd separate us. I'd hear Liv screaming, but she said that was when he tortured her like me... burned her... branded her... cut her... used her like a punching bag... he  _always_  made sure she was awake for that. We would check with each other every time we were back in the cellar together... each time I asked Liv if she had, said she didn't know... she couldn't remember... he drugged Liv more than he drugged me. What I do know is that in all the time we were held, she  _never_  said... the words."

Vanessa reached out to pick up a tumbler of water on the table, her hand shaking as she raised the glass to her lips for a small sip.

"How about we take a break before we continue further?" suggested Detective Moreton. She could see Vanessa was starting to struggle again.

"That would be nice. Thankyou." replied Vanessa as she placed the tumbler back down.

"Interview suspended... 10-13am." Special Agent Dalton said before he pressed the stop button.

"C-can I see Liv now?" the red head directed her question hopefully towards Detective Moreton.

"I'm really sorry, Vanessa. Detective Benson's still being interviewed. You'll have to wait until after she's finished, ok?"

Vanessa nodded sadly as she resumed playing with the pendant around her neck.

"How about Special Agent Dalton go get some food for all of us while I stay here with you? While he's doing that for us, he can take the opportunity and think about his professional  _work ethic_  and  _attitude_  for rape survivors and the LGBTQAI community before reentering this room."

* * *

Clicking the video camera back on, Special Agent Dalton spoke. "Interview resumed 10-35am."

With the prompting from Detective Moreton, Vanessa explained how Lewis would take photos after their torture sessions, then leave both women alone for extended amounts of time. How Olivia would goad and taunt Lewis so he would leave the young attorney alone, attempting the only way Liv could into protecting her. And how recently it all changed when all he focused on was one thing.

Detective Moreton slid a photograph across the table, "Can you tell us about these question mark scars you have on your biceps and shoulder blades?"

She glanced down at the photos momentarily, "That was the thing that changed recently. H-he wanted to know... who someone was. That's what the result was in not telling him. So were  _these_  scars." Vanessa raised her hands exposing the criss-cross X on her palms, then on the backs of her hands.

"What was it that he wanted to know?"

The young woman took her time before answering, she still felt the need to protect the detective. "Liv talks in her sleep... and when she came to from being drugged as well... she only ever said a name... on the odd occasion it was another name... but the majority of the time it was the one name... over and over... Lewis wanted to know who it was because he heard Olivia say the name... When she wouldn't tell him, he tortured her... so he'd ask me... I wouldn't tell him either, so he tortured me... Didn't want him having extra leverage to use against either of us... Liv and I had to protect each other the only way we could... and that was to not say anything. It frustrated him no end not knowing... who..." Vanessa trailed off again.

"Who was the person?"

"Alex."

"Who's Alex?"

"Alex is Alexandra Cabot. She's the ADA that worked with Olivia, and I believe she works with SVU once again. Liv told me about what happened to Alex, coming up 10 years ago. Liv told me that she began having... nightmares... about Alex bleeding out... dying... she said she thought it triggered again when she saw Brian bleed out and die in her apartment... that when she says 'Alex' in her nightmares, she's trying to still save Alex on the sidewalk. Liv said she still carries the guilt, even though Alex is alive."

"Do you believe that?" Special Agent Dalton asked.

"I have  _no_  reason to doubt her. It's what Liv told me." Vanessa said, holding back that Liv never cried out for Alex in anguish, pain or fear. She mumbled and murmured Alex's name lovingly a lot of the time in her sleep, sometimes almost wantonly. That was something that not even Vanessa had informed Olivia of, some thing like that just deserved to be kept private. Vanessa thought it beautifully sweet, and even romantic that Liv would and could easily dream of the woman she loved, and it made Vanessa realise how much Olivia truly did love and deeply cared for Alex. The red head hoped that  _one_  day she could find someone, a wonderfully chivalrous man, that would do that to her... but she knew it would be a long time before she'd even consider a relationship.

"What was the other name Detective Benson said?"

"El. That's Elliott Stabler. He was Liv's old work college and he was there the night Alex was shot too. That's what she told me."

The interview moved on, Vanessa recalling her repeated torture, but it wasn't as bad as what Olivia had suffered. How Lewis was almost gleeful each time he burned her, cut her, punched her... because she'd said _the words_. How a large handful of her hair was sheared off by Lewis not before he held the blades of the scissors to her throat then assaulted her again a short while after Olivia's hair suffered the same fate.

There were times Vanessa couldn't remember specific things as she'd been drugged, but woke up in pain, bruised, battered.

Many questions were still left unanswered, but that's all of what Vanessa could remember.

"Interview terminated 11-21am."

Detective Moreton removed a couple of evidence bags from a briefcase and passed one over to the young woman. Inside was her watch, a present from her family for passing the Bar Exam. She put it back on her wrist, it felt oddly heavy after all this time but she remembered it was like that the first time she'd put it on. As Vanessa walked towards the door the Conference Room, a wave of relief washing over her. It had been difficult retelling and reliving the ordeal in some parts, but she was glad that step of the reclaiming back her life was finally over.

* * *

Alex looked up from the New York Times crossword puzzle she was completing as a door opened, she was a little disheartened that it wasn't Olivia but was glad for Vanessa that her interview was finished.

"All done?" Alex asked once again giving the red head a hug, being aware the first questions Vanessa most likely wouldn't want to hear would be 'How are you?', Are you alright?' or 'How did it go?'

"Yeah. Liv  _still_  in there?"

"Hopefully not for too much longer though. You want to stick around?"

"Actually, I'm a bit exhausted after all that, so I'm going to go have a nap before I call my sisters to let them know."

"Do you want me to bring Olivia to your room later this afternoon, then take you both outside to the courtyard after being stuck inside all day?"

"That'd be really nice. I reckon Liv would like that too." Vanessa embraced the blonde again, "I'll see you later Alex."

As she neared her hospital room, Vanessa could clearly hear the voices of her mother and father talking to each other. They had evidently disregarded their youngest daughter's wishes and at this moment in time, Vanessa couldn't deal with seeing her parents.

Running a hand through her uneven hair and sighing heavily with frustration, the red head turned around and walked in the opposite direction.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The original plan was for the interviews to be an entire chapter, but decided to split them because of chapter size, so one for each woman. I believe Nessa's story deserved to be heard first, how she ended up being abducted etc seeing I focused more on Olivia's abduction and her torture/being drugged/not knowing etc when they were in the cellar :-).

**_Just when it can't get worse, I've had a shit day!_ **   
**_Have you had a shit day? We've had a shit day!_ **   
**_I think that life's too short for this, I want back my ignorance and bliss,_ **   
**_I think I've had enough of this, blow me one last kiss._  ~ P!nk (Blow Me [One Last Kiss])**

A few minutes after the ADA had resumed her crossword, the door flew open.

Olivia exited Conference Room 2, the detective's mood quite evident to anyone in the vicinity. Alex cringed internally as she got to her feet.

"All done?" Alex asked hopefully.

"Not even close!" Olivia barked, brushing past as fast as she could manage, making her way across to Conference Room 1. She yanked the door open, entered the room then slammed the door closed with just as much force. Alex flinched.

Realisation dawned on Alex as to who had caused Olivia to be so irritated as the man exited the room with a folder under his arm, Captain Cragen following a moment later. The man continued down the hallway, turning at the nurse's station to head towards the main enterance.

"I take it it didn't go so well in there for Olivia." It wasn't a question from Alex.

"Liv did  _fine_ , but  _he_  was unnecessarily relentless with his line of questions." Don shook his head, recalling the past few hours...

* * *

_Don Cragen's eye narrowed at the man on the other side of the desk._

_"What are you doing here? And why wasn't I given a heads up as Captain?"_

_"I thought I could ask Detective Benson here a few questions while Ms Meyer is being interviewed. Besides, I don't have to give a heads up to anyone." Lieutenant Ed Tucker smirked as he sat down. "Please, take a seat. I have a feeling we're going to be here a while."_

_"I was under the impression that I was going to be interviewed by Major Case today," Olivia muttered darkly as she sat down, Cragen next to her._

_"Oh, you WILL Detective... right after me." Tucker flipped open a manilla folder without a care in the world, "Now there's really no need for you to be here, Cragen."_

_"I think I'll stick around as her PBA rep, if that's alight with Detective Benson." Don responded, Olivia nodding her head slightly in agreement. That was the reason for asking the Captain in as soon as Olivia saw Ed Tucker in the room. She knew after what Lewis Williams had said and done in her apartment to try and set her up, it looked bad for her._

_Tucker went in for the attack, "Let's start at the beginning, how did Brian Cassidy end up in your apartment and why did you kill him?"_

_Olivia narrowed her eyes, "Excuse me?!"_

_Don lightly rested his hand on Liv's arm, "Just stop right there, Lieutenant. CSU has basically cleared Detective Benson from the evidence found at the scene."_

_"Somewhat circumstantial evidence," Tucker rebutted._

_Don eyes widened in shock and anger, "Did you not only JUST accuse Detective Benson of murder, but ALSO Captain Judith Siper of possibly falsifying evidence?"_

_"I didn't accuse, I merely posed a question." Tucker retorted pompously. "And the evidence isn't clear, circumstantial at best."_

_Cragen's voice rose, "The EVIDENCE is this: Lewis Williams' palm prints were found on Detective Benson's gun-_

_"As were Detective Benson's!" Tucker challenged._

_"- on TOP of Detective Benson's palm prints!" Don talked over the top of the IAB Lieutenant. "CSU were able to determine the print layers on the grip. The prints on the trigger were smudged, unable to be identified. CSU also found unknown blood under the plate of magazine clip at the time. It's NOW been confirmed that the blood is that of Lewis Williams. We ALL know NYPD guns are sized to each individual officer in the force so something that injury would NEVER occur in the line of duty."_

_"Cragen, I'm just trying to do my job... just trying to understand what occurred in Detective Benson's apartment from when we saw Lewis Williams very briefly on the elevator camera as he entered the building to when we saw both him and Detective Benson leave in the elevator together."_

_"Leave 'together'?! He was holding me hostage with a gun to my stomach and a hand over my mouth!" Olivia cut in. "Or did you conveniently forgetting that?"_

_"I saw the tapes, but I don't know if you asked Lewis to do that to make it LOOK like you were taken hostage now do I?"_

_"Oh come off it Tucker, now you're just grasping!" Don brushed his hands over his forehead in frustration._

_"I guess I also ASKED him to torture me for the hell of it?! And ASKED him to repeatedly assault 'Ness... Vanessa too?" It felt so foreign for Olivia to call the red head that after all this time, but Liv was currently in professional mode._

_"You could have." Tucker shrugged in indifference._

_"You're sick, Tucker." Olivia spat, her eyes ablaze at the mere suggestion._

_"That's LIEUTENANT Tucker, DETECTIVE Benson. At least show me the respect I deserve."_

_Liv leant back in her chair, "Respect is EARNT, and YOU don't deserve any... particularly how you've conducted this interview SO FAR!"_

_Tucker looked at Don, "You allow this insubordination, Cragen? No wonder you're still stuck at SVU after all these years."_

_"I'm not stuck, I CHOOSE to stay at SVU. And even though I'm nearing mandatory retirement and I mightn't be on duty right now, but that's CAPTAIN Cragen, LIEUTENANT Tucker... so, hows about youshow me the respect I deserve? And I agree with everything Detective Benson has said so far with regard to how this interview has been conducted. Now are you going to keep your one man pissing contest going, or are you going to let Detective Benson tell you what happened?"_

_Both Liv and Don saw Tucker's jaw muscles flex, biting back a retort._

_"Detective Benson, explain in detail what happened to you when you initially exited the apartment elevator... please." Tucker asked with a hint of sarcasm._

_Olivia retold her story from exiting the elevator to when Lewis bundled her into the trunk of the car, not once being interrupted by Ed Tucker, who was taking several notes at certain points. After reliving that afternoon and having explained everything, the pedantic questions flew thick and fast: How did Lewis get your gun? Do you know how he managed to get Brian's gun and handcuffs? Why did he make you go to the bedroom? Why did Lewis shoot Brian? How did Alex understand what you had asked? Why didn't you call for backup? Did you try and get away? Did you try negotiating?_

_Many of the questions Lieutenant Tucker asked were the same, but phrased differently just to see if Olivia would slip up and change her story._

_"So... why was Brian Cassidy at your apartment again?"_

_"As I told you before, we WERE in a fully disclosed relationship. He left his coat at my apartment after he spent the night there. He rang me at lunchtime asking if he could collect it."_

_"You WERE in a relationship? ADA Cabot was heard to say at the scene that..." Tucker referred to his paperwork, "... you'd been with Cassidy for around 9 months at the time of the shooting."_

_"It's a little difficult to be saying I'm IN a relationship with him now seeing LEWIS shot Brian dead." Olivia fought internally trying not to place her hand on her stomach ignoring the baby suddenly moving, as she realised that Alex hadn't revealed to anyone that she and Brian had broken up the night before._

_"You don't seem overly distraught that Brian IS dead. And he didn't die then and there in your apartment." Tucker stated._

_"It MIGHT surprise you, but I've had some time to accept Brian's passing... in between trying to stay alive... torture sessions... being chained to a wall... listening to 'Ne-... Vanessa's screams of terror while Lewis just laughed. I'm sure you can try and understand, or perhaps you can't?" She wasn't lying, she had mourned the death of her colleague early on. "And I'm NOW aware that Brian lived several more days, and that HE identified to Sergeant Munch that a MAN shot him... that MAN being Lewis Williams. The paramedics ALSO heard Brian say a MAN shot him... but for those 128 days, I was under the impression that Brian bled out and died in my apartment."_

_Tucker moved on quickly, "And tell me again why ADA Alex Cabot went to your apartment?"_

_Liv sighed, "We were going to have dinner together, just like I told you last time. Would you like to know what I was going to cook too?"_

_"Do you do that often with her? Have dinner, I mean?"_

_"Yes, we do. We've been work colleagues and close friends for quite a number of years now. That's what friends do... I'm SURE you do that often with ALL your friends, Lieutenant." Olivia retorted with a roll of her eyes._

_"Close friends with ADA Alex Cabot, huh? I see that you and her are both each other's medical proxies and emergency contacts." Tucker indicated his pile of papers._

_"Yes, I had it changed after Detective Elliott Stabler retired. You'll ALSO see that Captain Cragen is my other medical proxy and emergency contact. Is that a crime?"_

_"Why didn't you let ADA Cabot in again?"_

_"I had no doubt in my mind that I had to protect Alex from Lewis Williams... he was pressing a gun to the back of my head, safety was off."_

_"And you say you didn't know Brian was in your apartment until later?"_

_"NO, not until LEWIS took me to MY bedroom." Olivia thumped the table with her fingers to drive her point across on each emphasised word._

_"But you knew he was going to get his coat?"_

_"He rang me at lunchtime asking if he could get it, I arrived home late afternoon after spending most of the day in court."_

_"If you were in a relationship with him... why wouldn't he just wait until he next went over to your apartment?"_

_Olivia shrugged, "Perhaps he wanted to wear it? Perhaps he needed it? Why do men do what they do?"_

_Don had interjected a few times during the interview thus far and was trying to understand where Tucker was trying to go with this line of questioning, but the IAB member had been keeping his cards close to his chest right now._

_Tucker continued, "But you said he had a key, Detective. Why would he ask you permission?"_

_"Why wouldn't he? I have a key to both Brian's apartment and Alex's apartment, but I would NEVER enter either apartment without permission unless I believed it was an emergency. It's called good manners, although I'm not sure YOU learnt them very well."_

_Tucker ignored the jibe but he could see the detective was getting a little riled up. He finally played his trump card with glee, "Perhaps... YOU had Lewis kill Brian because you wanted to be in a lesbian relationship with ADA Cabot?"_

_Olivia glared at Tucker for many moments, wanting to reach across the table, punch him hard enough to break his nose then rip out his throat at his insinuation. Yes, she wanted to be with Alex, but she never wanted Brian dead. "A... LESBIAN... relationship?" The brunette reiterated, putting extra emphasis on 'lesbian' before replying evenly, "No. And I didn't have Brian killed by Lewis."_

_Don knew Olivia wasn't lying when she'd said that. How could they be in a lesbian relationship when she and Alex were both bisexual? Most people would assume that two women in an exclusive relationship were lesbians, or that bisexuals were people that had mixed threesomes each time they had sex or switched from male to female partners at the drop of a hat, but working at SVU for so many years, Don knew people's sexuality wasn't cut and dry. Bisexuals could have an exclusive relationship with the same sex and still be bisexual._

_Ed Tucker studied Olivia for a time before moving on with more repeated questions, but he always kept managing to come back to focus on Brian and Alex in particular. After Tucker yet again tried to get Olivia to admit to something... anything, she eyes crept to the wall clock, 10-22am. She snapped, "Look HOW many times do I have to keep going over this... Lieutenant? NONE of my answers have changed!"_

_Tucker sneered, "Until IAB's satisfied with the answers... Detective. Now answer the question, how did ADA Cabot understand what you meant when you asked for her to say hello to 'Dad'?"_

_Sighing heavily in frustration, Olivia explained... yet again._

_Question after question._

_Over and over._

_Back and forth._

_Brian._

_Alex._

_Cassidy._

_Cabot._

_Time after time._

_Like a scratched record or compact disc unable to move forward in the song on a DJ's turntable._

_Don knew the IAB Lieutenant had a job to do, but by now he could see Tucker was enjoying asking the questions repetitiously TOO much, almost as if he was lauding his authority over the SVU Detective. Cragen finally put his foot down, "How much longer will this interview take? I feel as though your just badgering Detective Benson now."_

_Tucker placed the pen in his hand down, smirking. "You're right, Captain... you're ABSOLUTELY right." He looked at the clock, almost 11-15am. "Probably for the last hour actually. You're free to go now, Detective Benson."_

_Olivia's jaw dropped, "WHAT?! You've been fucking me around for all this time?!"_

_"Next time... and I'm SURE there'll be a next time, there ALWAYS is with SVU detectives... you'll respect me and my job."_

_"I'll have your badge for this, Tucker." Cragen said in disgust._

_"Captain, you said so yourself, you've mandatory retirement coming up. 1PP won't really care what you have to say." Tucker chuckled while gathering his notes._

_"I'm not retired YET, Tucker. Mandatory for me well over a YEAR away..." Don watched Tucker visibly swallow. "What? Did you think it was just a few weeks away or something?"_

_Tucker tried to regain control, "Perhaps I'll apply for your position? Make Detective Benson here learn to respect me even more."_

_"You're delusional if you think YOU could be a Lieutenant or Captain of any SVU in the NYPD, not just at the 1-6. You'd ACCUSE victims of bringing on their assaults on THEMSELVES, or they DESERVED it. Thank GOD you're not having to interview 'Nessa! SVU members, they have a compassionate bone in their bodies, but YOU certainly DON'T. What you DO have is an AN ATTITUDE STICK UP YOUR ASS! And DON'T get me started on you DESERVING respect, YOU FUCKING SELF-IMPORTANT ASSHOLE. You're in the right job now... RAT SQUAD. DO EVERY MEMBER OF THE NYPD A FAVOUR AND STAY THERE!" Olivia stood using the desk for support, then made her way to the door._

_"I COULD have you put on desk duty for the next couple of months for that outburst, Benson!" He called out._

_Liv turned her head back over her shoulder, "Don't THREATEN me, Tucker! YOU SAY YOU COULD TO DO IT, THEN FUCKING WELL HAVE THE BALLS TO ACTUALLY DO IT AND STOP WASTING MY TIME!"_

_She forcefully pulled the door open, exiting the room._

_Don spoke quickly and quietly to Tucker, "And don't waste 1PP's time with idle bullshit threats, Tucker. You're just full of piss and wind like you always have been. I know how many times you applied and been rejected... You won't EVER get ANYTHING or be ANYTHING at SVU... at any SVU. Now you'll clear Detective Benson, yeah?"_

_"Unfortunately..." Tucker stood to make his way to the door of Conference Room 2. The door of Conference Room 1 slammed closed, muffling Tucker's reply, but the movement of the Lieutenant's head let Don Cragen know the answer..._

* * *

Alex's question brought Don back to the present time, "So will Tucker clear Liv? Or is he going to be like the asshole he is and hold something against her, even though there's no real evidence to implicate her?"

Cragen crossed his arms over his chest, "She's in the clear."

"Shouldn't she have been in a better mood then?"

"Number one, she doesn't know she's in the clear yet... and number two, Tucker  _deliberately_  extended the interview by an hour in petty revenge when Liv asked asked how much longer."

"What?! She's been stuck in there for an extra hour? Why didn't you do anything?"

"Technically, I couldn't. He was asking  _all_  the right questions for IAB, but over and over again to see if she'd slip up or alter an answer."

"He truly is an asshole!" Alex shook her head in disgust.

"You can say that again." Don agreed. "Now, do you want a coffee or something, Counsellor? You'll be waiting a while longer before Liv's finished in there."

"I would love a coffee! Let me get some for the both of us, and some muffins or something. I really need to stretch my legs for a bit... but if you could wait here? Just in case."

"Say no more." Don waved Alex away, as he sat down.

* * *

Liv immediately regretted taking her anger out on the woman she loved, as the sound of the door slamming shut behind her echoed in the conference room. It wasn't the blonde's fault that Ed Tucker was a pompous ass at the best of times, but him deliberately extending her IAB interview was utterly unnecessary. She hoped Cragen would follow through on his threat, but knew Cragen wasn't vindictive like that. Also the revelation at the end of her interview that Captain Cragen had just on a year left until his mandatory retirement was a sudden shock. She knew it was inevitable for Don to retire... one day, but the prospect of not having Don Cragen around at the 1-6 was difficult to fathom right now. Then again, she had a full year to get used to the idea. As Olivia approached, her eyes did a quick sweep of the the room, just a video camera, a man and a woman on the other side of the conference table.

She pointed at the man, needing to take command of the current situation, an angry edge still able to be heard in her voice. "Who are  _you_?"

"Special Agent James Dalton, FBI." The man said proudly, but Liv deliberately ignored the outstretched hand he offered. He reminded her too much of Lieutenant Tucker right now, and the only FBI Agent Olivia Benson trusted now was George Huang.

"And  _you_?" Liv pointed to the woman.

"Detective Shelley Moreton, NYPD Major Case." She replied professionally but with a kind smile.

Olivia's anger dissipated greatly, offering her hand to her NYPD equal as she sat down opposite. Detective Moreton was mindful not to hurt Liv's bandaged hand as she shook it.

"A colleague of mine you might know... Agent Dean Porter... he says he's glad you've been found safe and to say hello." Dalton tried to make small talk and break the ice with Liv, but she was having none of it.

"I wouldn't be  _too_  proud admitting to something like  _that_ , Special Agent Dalton... FBI Agent Dean Porter got away with cold blooded  _murder_  and should be in jail right now... right along with FBI Agent Dana Lewis, another  _murderer_! So stop with the attempted pleasantries. I've had a  _shit_  of a day so far, and I  _know_  it's not going to get much better now."

Detectvie Moreton was preparing the video camera, "I take it you've had the  _displeasure_ of Lieutenant Tucker the last few hours?"

"Yeah, wasted an hour more of my time than needed.. the asshole."

"Sorry about that. Somehow he managed to weasel a ticket on to the plane with me... made out to 1PP that is was  _just_  as important for IAB to talk to you today as it was for us. I had the displeasure of him on the flight up here." She sat back down, "Anyway, I figure you've lost too many days of your life so far... so we'll try and make this as fast as possible for you, Detective Benson."

"I'd really appreciate that, Detective Moreton. I'll say this from the outset, I mightn't be able to answer some things because I was drugged many times."

"So we heard from Vanessa. Just let us know when we get there and answer the questions to what you can remember, ok?"

Special Agent James Dalton walked over to the camera, "Alrighty, let's start." He pressed the button sat back down at the conference table and parroted off the same introduction again, "Today's date is Friday, 27th September 2013. The time is currently... 11-35am. Location is Conference Room 1, Winthrop Medical Centre, Winthrop, Maine. Interviewers are Special Agent James Dalton, FBI and Detective Shelley Moreton, NYPD Major Case Squad. This is being recorded for the benefit of the Federal Bureau of Investigation due the kidnapping and crossing of State lines of Vanessa Meyer, and NYPD Detective Olivia Benson. Can you please state your name for the tape?"

"Olivia Serena Benson."

"Occupation?"

"NYPD Detective 1st Grade with Special Victims Unit, 16th Precinct, Manhattan."

"Ok, let's go back to the afternoon of Monday 20th May, 2013. In your own time, can you tell us what happened after you left the 16th Precinct?"

Olivia let out a exasperated breath, yet again she had to relive what happened that late afternoon. She relived the apartment, the garage, the drive in the trunk, entering the cellar...

"... I ahh... I headbutted him, so the only way he'd uncuff me was he made me drink water that was drugged... Rohypnol, I think."

Detective Moreton checked her notes, "A prescription bottle with Rohypnol was found in the main room of the cabin, as were... half a dozen empty bottles of Liquid GHB."

"GHB?" Olivia repeated quietly, her mind reeling at the shock of that piece of information. She could feel the blood draining from her face as she unconsciously placing a hand on her stomach under the table. She hadn't been aware, nor been informed that she may have been drugged with GHB. At that very moment she honestly didn't care who the father of the baby was, her immediate concern was had she been drugged with with GHB? And if so, had the GHB affected the baby and its development in any way? The OBGYN doctor had said the baby was small, had the GHB contributed to that?

"That's Gamma Hydroxy-" Special Agent Dalton began to explain condescendingly.

Olivia rounded on him in an instant, "I'm WELL AWARE that GHB is Gamma Hydroxybutyric Acid, Special Agent Dalton! It's a known DATE RAPE drug, as is Rohypnol! GHB is also known as Liquid Ecstasy, Grievous Bodily Harm, Fantasy or Juice. Do I NEED to remind YOU that I'm a Detective with SVU?!"

He stayed silent, adjusting his tie slightly.

"Doctor Leonard has informed us that no GHB was found in your system when you were rescued, but Rohypnol was. The same with Vanessa Meyer." Detective Moreton took over again. "Do you know what happened after that?"

Liv shook her head, "It's a bit fuzzy, like a lot of times. I eventually woke up... handcuffed one handed to the chain on the wall... I was heavily bruised on the front and back of my thighs... I hurt all over... 'Nessa... Vanessa said I collapsed to the floor and Lewis kicked me several times when I was down. She didn't think I'd been raped, but she'd passed out for a time too, so I honestly can't say if I was or wasn't."

Special Agent Dalton raised his eyebrows, but still kept silent.

"That was the first of many times being drugged... and every time I woke up it was the same, bruised and sore. It was kinda hit and miss as to the drugs being hidden in the food. The only time we knew it was safe... after photos were taken... that was when we were given packaged food, bottled water and fresh fruit... he left us for a long time... maybe days?"

"We believe that's when he mailed the photographs from different locations in the North East. Do you know when your torture started?"

"Not long after we arrived would be as accurate as I can say... he started with 'Nessa first before he raped her but I'd been drugged again... I remember hearing her screams... when I woke again she had cigarette burns... umm...  _my_  first time, he punched me in the face... as you can see he had a good right arm..." Liv indicated her bruised and blood red left eye, "... but when you're shackled to a chain, it's a bit of an unfair advantage... I ended up being tied to a chair... still handcuffed... he burned me too... couple of cigarettes first but... he then thought he'd... break me, so to speak... with something else... he wanted  _the words_... he threatened me..." Liv trailed off, shaking her head.

"The words, similar to...  _Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want_?" Dalton checked the notes he had.

"Yes."

Moreton slid a couple of photographs across to Olivia. "Could you please tell us about these? How and why the branding happened?" the Major Case detective indicated the photos.

Picking up the first one, Liv carefully studied the image. Seeing what her back looked like, seeing the brutality she had suffered. It would be some time before she'd be able to wear a bra again, unless it was a backless and strapless one. She figured it must have been taken just after she arrived at the small hospital from being rescued. The random lines of large cuts of varying lengths and directions littered the entirety of her back in variety of healing stages, cigarette burns scattered here and there; the question mark burns on her left scapula, 4 in a horizontal row; and the angry branding of her right with her own gold shield. The second photo was a close up of the 4 question mark burns. The last photo was a close up of the damage done to by her badge, the numbers 4015 were still visible. Alex hadn't seen what the Beast had done so far to Olivia under her hospital gown, the ADA had only seen what was uncovered on her arms, legs and when Liv had revealed her torso for the ultrasound. Now  _she_  had finally seen what Lewis had done, she would let Alex see in time. She knew Alex would have to see eventually, perhaps it would be easier when she had her dressings changed. Not today though. She had a inkling as to what Alex's reaction would be when she saw the scars and burns, but at least Liv would understand Alex's reaction now.

Liv placed the photos down in front of her, "Where do you want me to start? As you can see  _there_  are a few."

"How about starting with the branding with your badge." Special Agent Dalton rudely interjected just as Detective Moreton was about to speak.

"Which time?" Liv snapped. She really didn't like the FBI agent, his arrogance was second to none.

"How do you mean?" he asked.

Olivia lazily glanced at him, "Lewis burned me  _twice_  with my badge. He burned me once, then after it healed... he burned me  _again_. So... WHICH TIME?"

"T-the first time?" he stuttered.

A tiny smile ghosted Olivia's mouth for a fleeting moment, "I was getting to it just before I was shown the photos... That was because after  _he_  threatened  _me_...  _I_  threatened  _him_ then... that frustrated him  _so_  much, then he wanted me to say...  _the words_... to beg... to plead... and I wouldn't... I  _never_  did... that really pissed him off not saying the words..."

"What did he threaten you with? Or what did he threaten to do?" Detective Moreton asked.

Liv made direct eye contact with Special Agent Dalton as she spoke, never breaking away. "Lewis held the gun...  _Brian's_  gun... to my head... and informed  _me_  that he was going to unzip his pants and put...  _something_... in my mouth... and that he'd shoot me, just like he shot Brian if I didn't...  _open wide_. I told  _him_... if he put his penis in my mouth... I would  _bite it off_ so fast... and he'd be in  _that_ much pain and he wouldn't have time to pull the trigger... and that he probably die of blood loss. Then,  _just_  to let him know I was serious with  _my_  threat, I did this..." She bared her teeth then snapped her jaw shut several times in quick succession, the sound of her teeth chattering together echoed in the small room. Special Agent Dalton cleared her throat, then shifted uncomfortably in his chair, quickly crossing his legs. While Lowell Harris might have terrorizes her in Sealview when he did similar down in the basement, this time around she'd been ready for something like that as the mind games ensued.

The SVU detective continued, her eyes now watching her fingers play with the hem of her hospital gown, "Lewis Williams obviously decided that he didn't want to loose  _that_  part of his anatomy... so after asking me to beg and plead him not to hurt me... and I refused... he tried to  _persuade_  me by burning me with my own badge to say  _the words_."

"Apart from the obvious reason, why wouldn't you say the words?" Detective Moreton asked.

"Honestly, I believed he got off on being  _in_  control... being  _given_  control... once he  _had_  control,  _he_  did what he pleased... he didn't like it when he  _wasn't_  in control, so he did what he  _could_  to be in control... to be given control... and the torture, the cutting, the punches was the result for me."

"But he continued to torture Vanessa after she said the words?"

"He  _did_ , and every time he tortured her, he laughed...  _he_  was in control. He  _never_  laughed when he tortured  _me_... he was more frustrated and angry because I hadn't said the words... _hadn't_  given him control."

"Detective Benson, we have been informed you had a SOEC kit done, it showed you  _hadn't_  been raped recently. I have to ask... did Lewis Williams ever rape you?" Moreton asked.

Olivia stayed silent as she chewed her lip, eventually shrugging. "I-I... I don't know. I honestly don't know if I was or not."

Special Agent Dalton scoffed, "How could you  _not_  know? Maybe you're covering for him, or your too ashamed to admit it? We're not going to judge you if you were. Vanessa Meyer was able to admit it."

Liv's voice was measured, but her icy expression was definitely channelling a certain blonde ADA, "Have you ever been drugged Special Agent Dalton? Repeatedly drugged? Ever lost large chunks of time? And not lost time because you had a big night on the town or partied just that little too much, but you remember later on the next day that you were a  _complete_  dickhead? Ever been repeatedly drugged by a psychopath who's MO is rape and torture? You haven't, have you? "

She waited in silence for his reply, which of course was a very quiet "No."

"No? No! Well Special Agent Dalton...  _I_  have. I was drugged repeatedly... there are BIG chunks of those 128 days that are just... blank... nothing... gone from my memory... don't exist... so, until  _you_  have been through something... anything that equates to what  _I've_  been through... DON'T YOU  _DARE_  FUCKING WELL SIT THERE IN YOUR SUIT AND TIE AND HAVE THE  _AUDACITY_  TO QUESTION HOW I _CAN'T_ REMEMBER IF I WAS RAPED OR NOT! ROHYPNOL AND GHB IF  _YOU'VE_  FORGOTTEN! How many ways do I have to say it until  _you_  get it through  _your_  head? Maybe THIS will help you understand a little better?!...  **I** DON'T KNOW IF I WAS RAPED... I  **DON'T**  KNOW IF I WAS RAPED... I DON'T  **KNOW** IF I WAS RAPED... I DON'T KNOW  **IF**  I WAS RAPED... I DON'T KNOW IF  **I**  WAS RAPED... I DON'T KNOW IF I  **WAS** RAPED... I DON'T KNOW IF I WAS  **RAPED**! I. DON'T. KNOW! 'Nessa  _can_  admit that it happened to her, because she  _knows_  it happened to her! I _can't_  confirm I was, and I  _can't_ deny I wasn't, but I SURE AS HELL wouldn't be covering for Lewis Williams! NOW  _YOU_  EITHER GET OUT OF THIS ROOM, OR  _I_  END THIS INTERVIEW  _RIGHT NOW_!"

"Interview suspended... 12-40pm." Detective Moreton said before stopping the recording. "Get out, Dalton."

"You can't kick me out,  _I_  was lead investigator for this case for the FBI!"

"Yeah, a fucking fine job the _Feds_ did!" Olivia retorted as she drank a glass of water to calm down. "The local Sheriff and a damn rookie found us, thank god!"

"This is the  _second_  time I've had to suspend an interview with  _you_ in the room for this case, Special Agent Dalton. I don't give a shit if you're FBI or not. You're making these women uncomfortable and you haven't learnt anything, so I'll continue this interview alone! You'll get a copy of the tape later." Moreton explained, but when Dalton didn't move she added, "GET OUT! NOW!"

Dalton muttered loud enough as he approached the door, "Crazy bitches."

"Asshole." Both NYPD Detectives said in unison as he went to close the door.

"You ok to continue, Benson?"

"Yeah. Just give me a few minutes." Olivia said, fully aware she was playing with her Fearlessness plaque. She inhaled deeply, trying to remember Alex's scent to calm herself.

* * *

"Interview resumed 12-50pm. Special Agent Dalton is no longer in the room. Detective Benson, you were talking about the burns, how you were burned twice with your badge. Can you tell me how and why Lewis reburned you shoulder?"

"That happened quite recently, but  _after_  the question mark burns. It was because I wouldn't tell him who Alex was."

"This Alex you are referring to is ADA Alexandra Cabot?"

"Yes."

"Vanessa mentioned about you having nightmares... that  _you_  told her you started having them, reliving Alex dying almost 10 years ago and bleeding out after watching the same thing happen to Brian. You were calling out that name and Lewis heard about it."

"The anniversary of Alex dying... so to speak.. is in 2 days actually, Sunday. And yes, that's correct. That's what I  _told_  Vanessa." Olivia confirmed.

It certainly wasn't a lie, but it wasn't the entire truth either. When Vanessa said Liv mumbled Alex's name in her sleep, it was the cover story she'd told Vanessa. She'd used the same story when Brian teased her she'd said Alex a couple of times in her sleep too. It was easier to say that, than admit that she'd been dreaming and reliving the interactions of the two of them, and that night in the motel. There was no way Olivia would reveal those details, they were intimately private. Only she and Alex were, and ever would be privvy to them.

"Vanessa said you also said... El... a couple of times?"

"Elliott Stabler, my old partner. He was there the night Alex died, so I dreamt he was there too... I called for him to call 911. But it's not relevant or crucial to the case." Olivia told the same to Vanessa. She didn't want to tell  _anyone_  that in her dreams she'd told Elliott, and sometimes Kathy that she loved Alex, and talked about plans for the future... even though they hadn't worked together for over 2 years now. It was embarrassing enough for someone else to know she sleeptalked and called for Alex, but to know that she'd said El a couple of times, that was downright awkward just like while she was undercover as Persephone James in Oregon.

"See, I talk in my sleep... have done so since childhood. Lewis didn't hear me say El, or if he  _did_ , he didn't care. He definitely heard me say Alex a few times when I was coming out of a drug haze... after a while he didn't care about me saying  _the words_ anymore... he was fixated on finding out who Alex was. He'd already killed Brian and wanted to know who Alex was, so he could go after Alex. Lewis assumed Alex was a man. He didn't know Alex was the one at my apartment door because I called her Lexi."

"So why the question marks? And why 4 of them?"

"The question marks are for 'who'...  _Who_  is Alex? And there's 4 of them on my left shoulder blade... one to represent each letter... A-L-E-X. The one on each my biceps... just because he felt like it? Possibly a test run... he did those first before he did them on my shoulder."

"And he rebranded you with your badge, why?"

A few tears escaped from Liv's eyes as she recalled, "The first time he said it was so  _I'd_  never forget who I was... the second time was so Alex would know  _who_  I was,  _if_  I was ever found... if 'Nessa and I were  _ever_ found... because in his words... I may not have been recognisable by the time we were found, if I didn't tell him who Alex was soon... he held my badge near my face... so close to my right cheek..." Liv brushed the tips of her fingers over her cheek, "... I felt the heat  _radiating_  off it, but he said he didn't want to hurt my... pretty face... if he didn't have to... That happened I guess a week or so ago maybe, probably less? It was pretty recent for me. Not knowing the time or what day it was made it difficult to tell. Those last few days I guess were the worst... he rebranded me... he burned both my hands... he kicked me with the steel capped boots and fractured my foot... I felt the blood vessels in my eye rupture when he punched me... but still I wouldn't tell him who Alex was. I had to protect Alex."

Olivia moved on, recalling what she could to the best of her ability. Other torture sessions that were interspersed with beatings, how Lewis  _always_ made sure she was awake for them, reliving how helpless she felt as she heard Vanessa's cries but unable to do a damn thing about it, after each time being drugged her clothes had been changed by Lewis Williams. But being drugged as much as she had been, she couldn't recall everything.

"That's the last thing I clearly remember... I vaguely remember little snippits of Sherriff Leonard and Sheriff Officer Irvine being in the cellar, but it's still fuzzy because we'd been drugged again."

"Nothing else?"

"No, that's all. Sorry."

"That's ok. Interview terminated 1-40pm." Detective Moreton turned the video camera off. She returned to her briefcase, removed 2 evidence bags and passed them to Olivia. "I think you'll be happy to have these back."

Her Breitling watch and the ring Liv got from Serena Benson when she turned 18. "Thanks. I wondered if I'd ever see them again."

Olivia hesitated as she went to strap the watch to her wrist like normal, for her it felt like it was  _too_  soon to wear something around her wrist. The bruises and marks the handcuffs had left around both wrists were still prominent, sometimes it still felt as though the handcuffs were still there, biting and chaffing her skin. The cigarette burns to her finger joints wouldn't allow for her to wear her ring until they had healed.

"You're a good interviewer, Detective Moreton... you connect well, make someone feel at ease. You ever think of joining an SVU?" Olivia asked as she pocketed her ring and watch in the medical scrub pants.

"Ah, no... I haven't. I like Major Case, although it can be intense some of the time."

"If you ever change your mind... don't dismiss the idea. We're always needing good detectives."

"Are you saying that a position is becoming available, Detective Benson?"

"Positions are always available at all the SVU's in the NYPD. Most tenures are just a couple of years."

"How long have you been there?" Detective Moreton began to dismantle the video camera.

Olivia placed her hand on the door handle, talking back over her shoulder. "Sometimes I think too long... about 15 years. But I don't see myself anywhere else but SVU."

* * *

When their eyes met, Olivia could see a hesitance in Alex's demeanour as she exited Conference Room 1. Noone else was in the immediate vicinity as Alex stood up. The pang of guilt from how she treated Alex as she left the IAB interview washed over the brunette.

"Hold me? Please?" Liv asked meekly, tears suddenly slipping down her cheeks.

As Alex tenderly enveloped her arms around the brunette, the ADA felt Olivia's body shudder with silent sobs. Liv's arms slid around Alex's waist, pulling her even closer. They stood there for some time clinging to each other, as if the rest of the world didn't exist.

"I'm  _so_  sorry for snapping at you earlier. I shouldn't have done that," Olivia rested her chin on Alex's shoulder, her tears slowly ebbed away.

"I saw Tucker exit the room... I  _don't_  blame you. You're allowed to angry, Liv."

Olivia pulled back to look at Alex in the eyes, "Yeah, but  _not_  to you.  _Never_  to you. Will you forgive me?"

Alex's answer was to cradle Olivia's face, pressing their lips together, their tongues gently finding each other. As they reluctantly broke apart, Alex murmured "I already have."

"Hold out your hand for me? Can you look after these for me, please? I can't wear them just yet... but I want to know they're close by." Liv asked, placing the watch and ring in Alex's palm.

"Do you want me to wear them?"

"I don't mind if you do."

Alex decided she's take Olivia's watch to Kelly and Mel's house later for safe keeping seeing she already was wearing her own.

"Umm... Olivia? Your ring... only fits... on... this one." Alex held up her hand, trying not to cringe. The ring of Olivia's was snugly on the ADA's left ring finger.

"Oh? Oh! Umm... ok... ahhh... Oh well! If that's the only finger it fits on you then... I'll be sure to get it back later." Olivia shrugged nonchalantly, before smiling broadly. Taking Alex's hand in her own, they started towards Olivia's hospital room, "I don't know about you, but I'm  _really_  hungry now. It's been a while since breakfast."

"I like the way you think, Detective. Maybe Vanessa would like to join us? I invited her to go outside in the courtyard with us after being inside all day. A late lunch out there would be wonderful, don't you think?"

"I think that's a great idea, Counsellor."

"Word is you'll be cleared by IAB. Tucker's still an asshole though."

"Let's not talk about Tucker any more, but you're right... he IS an asshole, especially after what he put me through this morning."

Mr Meyer jumped up from the chair as soon as Olivia approached the doorway, "Where's Vanessa?! Has she finished her interview yet?!"

"She finished not long before you finished with Tucker... about 11-30ish." Alex admitted to the detective. Olivia looked at Alex, a distinct flash of worry crossed the brunette's face.

"It's almost 2pm and we've been waiting here in her room since 11am! We haven't seen her at all, we assumed she was still being interviewed! Where's our little girl?!"

* * *

Her bare feet were sporting several grazes from the rough road surface, but after all the torture she had suffered at the hands of Lewis Williams, she didn't notice the pain. Vanessa wandered aimlessly beside the road, arms crossed, she was physically tired, but she just needed to get away and clear her head. It frustrated her that her parents disregarded her wishes so flagrantly. No, frustrated was too nice a word to describe her feelings right now. It fucking well pissed her off would be a better description. She wasn't 5 any more, for crying out loud she be 30 at the end of the year! They were treating her like a child, and quite frankly, she wished they'd return to Ohio.

A car slowed down after passing by, but Vanessa paid it no attention. She kept walking, trying to ignore her sudden rising panic. She didn't know where she was, and right up until a moment ago, she hadn't cared.

"You need a ride, darlin'? Purdy lil' thang like you shouldn't be wanderin' 'round these parts. You could hop in my car, I'll take you  _anywhere_  you want!" a fat man with a southern drawl and buzzcut called out as he leant out the window of the dirty car.

She chanced a furtive glance, but continued walking in the direction she had been travelling. She didn't recognise the man and certainly didn't trust him. She didn't know if she could trust men any more, not after Lewis had done. She had trusted him unequivocally up until he had taken her, and broken her trusting nature.

Her internal panic intensified when the car stopped and he exited the car.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like chapter 23, this chapter will come with a trigger warning for sexual abuse survivors. It won't be any more graphic or gratuitously detailed in the recalling of what happened than in #23. As I said previously, I personally can't write like that. I'll try and keep it as respectful as possible.

**_I'll be your savior, steadfast and true;_**  
**_I'll come to your emotional rescue._  ~ The Rolling Stones (Emotional Rescue)**

"Doctor Leonard, we have a problem."

"How so, Beverley?" Kelly looked up from her paperwork seeing the older nurse had her head poking around the office door. The salt and pepper haired doctor didn't like it when one of the nurses said anything remotely similar to such a statement as that. Sometimes, it was a patient suddenly refusing treatment by ripping their IV drip out causing the patient even more injury. Or sometimes it was a patient being aggressive towards the nursing staff. Every once in a while, it was a patient trying to smoke inside the hospital at any opportunity they could find. And then on the odd occasion:

"Olivia Benson, the rescue patient detective... she's has just informed me that the other patient, Vanessa Meyer, has gone missing."

"Shit!"

* * *

 

"Please! I want to help... I  _need_  to help! I'm a cop, remember! I  _have_  to help find 'Nessa!" Olivia pleaded with Melanie as the Sheriff headed towards the main entrance, Alex in tow.

Melanie turned to face Liv, "I know you want to help Olivia, but you're a  _patient_ , and you  _need_  to stay here. Vanessa may have been gone since 11-30, but she can't have gone  _too_  far on foot. A few miles at the most and we know the direction that she's headed in with the CCTV cameras. The best thing is for you to stay here,  _especially_  if Vanessa comes back while we're looking for her. Alex has my number to call if she does. Now stay here,  _Detective_! I  _don't_  want to have to threaten you with arrest."

"Seriously?! You'd  _arrest_  me?!" Olivia's jaw dropped.

Alex placed her hand on Olivia's arm, "Liv, let Mel do her job."

"It's  _my_  job too, Alex!" Liv cried out in exasperation.

"Olivia, your  _job_  is to be a patient right now. We're  _not_  in New York, and Winthrop is  _not_  our jurisdiction." Alex reluctantly led Olivia over to a small bench just outside the main entrance.

"What if she's done something silly like... I don't know... try and hitch hike to somewhere?" Liv threw a possibility out in the open.

Alex looked at Olivia, full of concern. "Do you think she would?"

"I don't  _think_  so, but after everything she's been through and after her outburst yesterday, anything is possible and  _that's_  what I'm worried about, Alex."

The fat man approached, taking in Vanessa's attire, "What's wrong darlin'? You lost? Or runnin' away? I can help you, y'know!"

Vanessa stumbled, her panic intensified even more when he reached out to grab her wrist to help her back up, "DON'T YOU TOUCH ME! DON'T YOU  _EVER_  TOUCH ME!"

"It's ok darlin', I won't bite... unless you  _want_  me to!" he leered lecherously.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Whoa, darlin'! Just tryin' to be friendly! No need to get your panties in a twist... unless you  _like_  that sorta thang!" he gaffawed at his own joke.

"BACK OFF!  _NOW_!"

"OK OK! Sheesh! Try an' help a darlin' damsel 'n' I get me head bit off!"

The sound of an approaching engine drew their attention. As Vanessa slowly got back to her feet, the car pulled up and a man in grease stained pale blue demin bib and brace overalls and a white undershirt got out.

Alan.

"Izaac... what are you doing?"

"Me 'n' me girlie friend here are jus' catchin' up, Sheriff Officer!" the fat man said cheerily as she threw his arm around Vanessa's shoulder, drawing her closer to his rotund body.

Alan could immediately see how uncomfortable Vanessa was while being in manhandled the way she was by the large man.

"Really? Because I have a sneaking suspicion that you're currently breaking your bail conditions. And you don't know Van-... this woman... at all."

"Aww, c'mon now Officer Irvine!" the man quickly let Vanessa go and approached Alan, pleading with the rookie.

" _Curfew_  and _location conditions_  spring to mind right now! So, _you've_  got 10 seconds to get out of here before  _I_  call Sheriff Leonard to let her know. I'm sure she'd be  _delighted_  to put your flabby ass behind bars for breaking bail. One... two... FIVE..." Alan whipped out his cell phone, tapping the screen a few times.

"Alrigh' alrigh', I'm goin'!" he turned, slowly walking away.

"EIGHT!" The off duty Sheriff Officer raised the phone to his ear.

"Shit!" the fat man named Izaac waddled as fast as he could to his car and sped away in the direction he had been travelling.

Alan put his phone back in his pocket and waited until the car was out of sight before he addressed Vanessa, "Did he hurt you at all?"

Vanessa shook her head, no.

"That's alright then, but I had to make sure. He's fairly harmless," Alan slowly approached but when he saw Vanessa back away, he backed off too. Keeping his distance of about 15 feet, he hands raised in a non threatening manner. "Shouldn't you still be in the hospital, Vanessa?"

She shrugged.

"Hop in the car. I'll give you a ride back."

"NO! No! I'm not getting in your car. Not after... I don't trust... I just can't alright!"

Alan remembered what Vanessa had said, she was wary of men now. "Ah, ok. What do you suggest then?"

"Maybe... umm... maybe if you... ahh... let me drive your car?"

"Noone drives the Fury, but me. She's too temperamental when... strangers... drive her." Alan lazily walked back around and partially sat on the hood of the Plymouth.

The Mexican standoff had begun.

"Y-you... you use your phone! Call the Sheriff to come get me from here... wherever  _here_  is."

"I would... but I can't."

"What do you mean you  _can't_? You just said you'd call the Sheriff on that guy!" The red head fired up.

Alan smiled briefly, revealing his dimples for the first time as he rubbed the back of his neck, the mop of light brown curls on the top of his head seemed even more curlier today. "Yeah about that... I lied. Sorry."

"You  _lied_?!"

"See, here's the problem... there's no good cell phone reception around the Carlton Pond area. Too many trees." Alan waved his hand around the general vicinity. "How on  _earth_  did you get here anyway?! You're a good few miles from the Medical Centre!"

"I-I needed some fresh air after my interview, so I went for a walk... I just kept walking."

"Does anyone know you're gone?"

Vanessa just shrugged again.

"This... this is  _not_  good. You have to get back there ASAP! Like right now! Doc Leonard  _would_  kill me... and Sheriff Leonard  _will_! Mel's already told me how incompetent I am because I screwed up big time when I stupidly let that Lewis Williams go a while back. I  _can't_  screw up again!  _Please_  get in the car... I have to take you back straight away!" Alan explained. "And I'm  _sure_  you're family will be worried about you!"

Vanessa snorted, "No they're not... they don't care! My sisters, yes... but my parents, no. I asked them to stay in Augusta until I'd finished my interview... but, no! My parents were already waiting in my room when I finished! That is the epitome of rudeness right there! If they cared, they would've respected my wishes and waited until I was ready to see them! They're too over protective, that's what they are!"

" _I'd_  be worried about you!" Alan said quietly, quickly clamped his hand over his mouth. He mentally chastised himself for opening his big mouth. The red head certainly didn't need a young rookie like him pining after her with everything she had been through in that cabin.

"What did you say?" Vanessa called out.

"Nothing!"

"You said something!"

Alan shook his head self-deprecatingly, "I didn't say anything important. I never do."

Rolling her eyes, Vanessa turned around and started walking away at pace, her arms once again crossed over her chest protectively.

"Where are you going?!"

"Don't know, don't care!"

"Vanessa, wait!" He fought internally before coming to a decision. Alan sighed heavily, then tossed the set of car keys near Vanessa, landing not far from her grazed, dirty feet. "You might not care, but I care. Look, you have the keys to my car... noone else has ever driven her bar me since I bought her. You're in charge. Just _don't_  leave."

The red head's eyes darted down at the keys near her feet, eventually picking them up off the ground. She began pacing back and forth several steps, as if trying to decide on something. Alan just watched her, thankful she hadn't walked away. Suddenly Vanessa stopped pacing, she looked at the young rookie, "You said something before my family arrived yesterday... what did you mean?"

Alan raised his eyebrows in curiosity, "What do  _you_  mean what did  _I_  mean?"

"You said you probably understood more than I thought. What did you  _mean_  by that?"

"I-I don't know what you're talking about!" Alan covered, but his stomach plummeted to the ground. Nonononono, she wasn't  _supposed_  to hear that. Damn big mouth, good one Irvine.

"Alan, tell me!"

"I-I... I can't!"

"Why not?"

"Because."

"Because why?"

"Just  _because_  alright!"

Stalemate.

"This is ridiculous." Vanessa muttered, turning back around and walking further away, the keys still firmly in her grasp.

"Don't go!"

She turned back around to face the rookie and negotiated, "Tell me what you meant when you said what you said, and I won't go!"

"Look! You  _won't_  believe me, just like the  _last_  person I told. So why waste each others time?"

"Why wouldn't I believe you?"

"Because it doesn't happen." Alan murmured just loud enough for Vanessa to hear.

The red head shook her head in confusion, "You're talking in riddles and not making any sense!"

Alan stayed silent, purposely looking at the ground to avoid making eye contact with the defense attorney.

"Surely it can't be any worse than what I've been through lately. I was repeatedly sexually assaulted and raped..." She trailed off. Realisation dawned as Vanessa replayed their initial meeting in her mind. It made complete sense now. "And you understand that... because so have you. Is that it?"

The rookie officer slowly raised his head, stuffing a hand in his pocket. For a brief moment he looked like a scared little boy.

The dirty little secret.

Out in the open.

The hazel brown eyes reflected the same knowing empathy they did when they first met, but still he stayed silent.

"H-how long ago? How old were you?"

Tentatively, he raised his hand. 4 fingers and a thumb on display.

"How long for?"

The rookie officer's voice just audible in the short distance, "10 years."

Vanessa heart broke at the revealing and shocking truth. She stayed silent as Alan slowly opened up and told his story in his own time. She knew how hard it was to tell someone what had happened. It took courage and fearlessness to admit having been sexually assault and/or raped because of the stigma associated with it.

"My mom, she drowned just after I turned 5. I saw her die... she fell backwards out of a boat, hit her head on some rocks... so my grandparents looked after me from then on. Grandma and Pop... Grandma, she taught me to cook... I  _loved_  cooking with her... and Pop... well he taught me to shoot and hunt... among  _other_  things. He'd take me camping every weekend he could... I fell face first in the mud one day... got my jeans, flannel shirt and underwears all dirty and scared off a wild turkey we wanted to catch. Pop told me to 'take 'em off' so he could wash them so it wouldn't stain for Grandma... and so I wouldn't feel silly, he took all his off too... men of the wild, we were!"

"You don't have to say anymore." Vanessa had approached closer, but was still several feet away.

"It's not what you think. He didn't hurt me then, but it  _was_  the beginning... a short while later after washing the clothes he said would I like to see a really cool magic trick that only he knew... only men of the wild knew... I said sure, I mean what 5 year old  _wouldn't_  want to see a magic trick... but I had to  _not_  tell anyone and that he'd show me how to do it too... he ahh... he..." Alan gestured with his fist.

"Masturbated?" Vanessa was standing only a couple of feet away now.

"Yeah... in front of me. He said, for the trick to work properly... we had to say the  _magic_  words...  _'Watch it rise, watch it grow. But you mustn't tell anyone that you know'_..." Alan shuddered at the memory. "After that, it slowly went from there... ' _Show_  Pop the trick he taught you'... 'Do the trick  _on_  Pop'... 'Do the trick  _with_  Pop'... 'Come sit on Pop's lap and do the trick'... 'No, you're not doing it right, let Pop show you properly'... then it was... 'Where can Pop hide it because it needs to be kept warm?'... it escalated from there."

"He raped you." Vanessa said, it wasn't a question.

Alan shifted over a step as Vanessa mirrored his pose, partially sitting on the hood of the classic car. "Uh-huh.  _Every_  time we went camping from then on."

"And you never told anyone."

"The  _words_ , remember...  _But you mustn't tell anyone that you know_... It had a double meaning."

Vanessa knew all too well about words and their power after what Lewis had done after she said her words.

Tears pricked his eyes as he continued, "When I got a little older, he said that if I told anyone, they'd die and join Mom and we wouldn't want that to happen... especially Grandma, he  _knew_  how much I loved Grandma... how much she meant to me... I didn't know what he was doing was wrong until I was older... I was just a  _little_  kid, y'know."

"He broke your trust. It's  _not_  your fault."

"I know. Even after I knew it was wrong, he still kept doing it because he could... I didn't know what to do! It wasn't until I was 15... I fought back the only way I knew... I finally said if he  _ever_  did it to me again, I'd shoot him... between the eyes if I got the chance... he knew I could do it too because  _he_  taught me to shoot... rifles and pistols... I was a much better shot than him... He  _never_  touched me again. Couple of weeks later, he died... massive heart attack... Grandma was heartbroken, but I was  _so_  happy... I cried with  _happiness_  when they lowered his coffin into the ground...  _dirty_  old man. After Grandma died after I graduated high school, it was just me on my own. I thought about ending it all... done so a few times over the years... I believed I was damaged, and  _so_  screwed up... noone would ever miss me because I had noone... but I wouldn't do it and won't do it... _that_  wasn't the answer. I decided to go to college, then go to the Academy."

"So what did you mean when you said 'it doesn't happen'? And that I wouldn't believe you like the last person?"

Alan took his time before opening up again, "My first real girlfriend in college... she really liked that I wasn't like other guys... not pressuring  _her_  for sex... I was so respectful like that she said... I  _finally_  worked up the courage and told her one day... she tried to be understanding that day... then one day a few weeks later we were fooling around... getting a bit more hot and heavy than we'd ever had before... I asked her to stop, I wasn't ready... she said I was too old to be a virgin anymore and she'd fix it... make it all better... she'd show me sex could be wonderful... make me forget what Pop had done to me... I told her I didn't want to, not  _yet_... she just told me to lay back and she'd do all the work... I was too scared to make her stop, I didn't want to lose her... I just lay there until she'd finished, I just shut down... like I wasn't even in my own body."

"She raped you too."

The rookie nodded sadly, "Afterwards she said, 'See Alan, men don't get raped... it doesn't happen to them, only ever happens to women'... and I should be over it by now because she made it  _all_  better... and I must have _wanted_  and  _enjoyed_  it for the way my body reacted to it..."

"Liv told me-"

"Liv?"

"Olivia, the other woman you helped rescue."

"Ah, Detective Benson."

"Yeah. She told me that your body reacts no matter what... it's a natural reaction... because the same thing happened to me in the cabin when Lewis did what he did to me... it's not your fault and it's not my fault either."

The long comfortable silence was broken by Vanessa, "Thankyou."

"For what?" The rookie looked puzzled.

"For having the fortitude to tell me what happened to you. It takes bravery to reveal things like that."

His dimples came out of hiding again as Alan smiled. His old girlfriend had  _never_  called it being brave after telling his story. Reflecting on that one time he revealed what had happened during his childhood, his old girlfriend had tried her best to hide her pity for him.

Vanessa drew Alan away from his thoughts, "Can I tell you... something?

"What's that?"

"Can I tell you my story? What happened to me?"

"Do you think you should? I-I mean after having to relive it in your interview today?"

"I think I might find it cathartic to tell someone that... knows... and understands. Does that make sense?"

Alan nodded in agreement, "Yeah, it does."

* * *

Liv stood up a moment after Alex got her to sit down, "I can't sit here and wait, Alex! I have to help!"

"I understand Olivia, but  _how_  are you going to help? You're in a walking boot, not to mention a hospital gown and scrub pants!"

"I just..." Liv let out a frustrated sigh, sitting back down again. "I  _now_  understand what you meant when you said you can't stop thinking like a prosecutor. I can't stop thinking like a cop! I feel so useless right now, and I feel very protective of 'Nessa seeing we've both been through so much together."

"I know it's difficult to step back, Liv. But I trust Mel and her brother will find Vanessa. Who knows, Vanessa might come around the corner in a few minutes. She said she didn't want to see her parents right away... I'd have probably done the same thing and gone for a walk too!"

"I hope you're right, sweetie." Olivia replied, totally unaware she was rubbing her thumb over her ring on its present home on Alex's finger. Alex noticed but never said a word.

* * *

"You know, you've saved my life twice now. I guess I can say you're my knight in shining armour." Vanessa said once she had finished telling Alan what had happened to her.

"I don't think Izaac would've hurt you, but he's the known fire bug in the Winthrop area."

Vanessa wrung her hands together, debating in her mind if she could do what she wanted to do. "I-I... I still owe you a thankyou hug for rescuing me and Liv... I'd like to give that to you now."

"Are you sure? I mean I remember what you said yesterday in your room being wary of men."

"Yeah, I'm sure. I know what Lewis did to me will be  _with_  me forever, but I don't want what Lewis did to me to  _rule_  my life forever. And if giving a man... you... a thankyou hug is a small step to reclaim my life, then I'd like to take that step now."

He opened his arms and waited for Vanessa to move closer at her own pace. He didn't crush, manhandle or paw her, he just wrapped his arms around her. It felt nice to have strong arms holding her, almost protectively, and not brutishly haul her upstairs as she struggled and viciously pinning her down against a mattress on the floor of the cabin against her will.

It was neither a short hug, or a long hug, but nice hug.

As Vanessa stepped back, for the first time she saw how young the rookie looked. Maybe he looked even younger than he actually was. Babyfaced would be a fair description of Alan Irvine.

"Alan, how old are you?"

"I'm 25... not quite 25 and a half."

Vanessa surreptitiously studied Alan out the corner of her eye as she leant back on the hood of the car again. Her inner monologue working overtime... Such a young man to have been through  _so_  much in his short life. Too young really... only 25... but she only dated older men, She... wait, where the  _hell_  did that come from?!  _No_ , she had her own recovery to focus on, and what her new career path will be. The  _last_  thing she should be thinking about right now was being in a relationship. But maybe one day in the future... there was no mistaking, he was rather handsome with that mop of curly hair and those dimples... No, stop that! Stop that right now! Recovery and work... no relationships and no dating. Friends... just friends... only friendship... yeah, that's better. Friendship. She need a friend right now that truly understood.

"You'd better take me back to the hospital now. I don't want you getting in any trouble from your boss and I don't want to get in trouble from her wife." She dangled the car keys in her outstretched hand.

"You can drive if you want, Vanessa... you  _do_  know how to drive a push button transmission, right?" Alan said with a grin, the dimples appearing again.

Vanessa ignored the lighthearted jibe, "I  _thought_  you said your car was temperamental for... strangers?"

"The Fury... she  _can_  be, and she can be  _feisty_ too. She's red!" Alan said cheekily, then mentally slapped himself for flirting. That wasn't what Vanessa needed after everything they'd talked about, but he couldn't help it. He was secretly enamoured with the defense attorney, but he knew the best thing would be friendship for Vanessa right now. That sounded good. Friends.

"I understand your car's personality completely. Us red's can be like that!" Vanessa laughed lightly. She pressed the car keys back into the Sheriff Officer's hand, once again feeling how soft, gentle and warm it was against her own. "You drive Alan... I trust you."

* * *

"Melanie, did you call Alan?" Kelly asked as they waited near the main entrance to the small hospital.

"No, he's off until Monday remember. I called Brad though, he should be here in a minute."

"So why is Alan's car pulling into the car park? I can recognise that car anywhere."

Alan hopped out the car and went and opened the passenger door for Vanessa as Olivia, Alex, Kelly and Mel all approached the Plymouth Fury.

"Liv!" Vanessa called out and waved as the group of women approached.

"Where'd you go, 'Nessa? We were really worried you were gone." Olivia said as the group arrived at the red classic car.

"I'm really sorry about that. I just needed some time to myself after the interview, and when I heard my parents... I went for a walk. Alan found me wandering and after we had a good talk, he drove me straight here like a gentleman."

"Why didn't you call, let someone know, Alan?" Mel addressed the rookie Sheriff Officer.

"I found her near Carlton Pond, Sheriff."

"Ah, no reception." Mel concluded with a knowing nod of her head. "I have to say that's a fair distance to walk from here!"

"I drove Vanessa back when  _she_  was ready. I didn't want to scare or upset her into doing something that she wasn't ready to do. I thought that was the smart thing to do in the situation."

Everyone agreed that Alan's course of action was appropriate. Another car with 2 red haired women pulled up along side Alan's car. Vanessa's fraternal sisters exited.

"Are my parents still here? Ah! Here they come... the welcoming committee. Wait for the tirade." Vanessa muttered as her father approached the group ahead of her mother.

"What are you doing?! Get away from her!" Mr Meyer bellowed, the comment clearly directed at the rookie standing next to Vanessa.

Vanessa rolled her eyes, "Dad!"

"Why are you driving around with my little girl!"

"DAD!"

"Do you even  _know_  what she's been through?! And why the hell are you taking her out for cruise around town in your souped up car when she should be with her  _family_!"

"OH MY GOD, DAD! STOP IT!"

"How dare you try and take advantage of my little girl. You're a sad, sick boy!"

"SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! Dad, you have NO idea what you're talking about! And for the record: YOU disrespected MY wishes."

"They ditched us after a couple of hours in Augusta, 'Nessa. They... well,  _Dad_  said they were going back to the motel because they were tired after the shopping we'd did to get you some clothes." The sister called Valerie said.

"They said they'd get a taxi back to Winthrop. It became  _apparent_  to the both of us that that wasn't the case when we arrived back at the motel and they weren't there. We came straight here." Veronica added.

Vanessa glared at her father, "Typical! So typical! And  _you_  have the audacity to stand there and criticize!"

"You wandered off and didn't let anyone know!" Mr Meyer shot back, trying to justify his actions.

"Do you blame me?! I asked you to  _stay away_  until I was ready. I wanted to take some time to  _myself_  and not see you straight after the interview, but as soon as I near my room I hear you talking to Mom. That interview was exhausting... mentally, emotionally and even physically! And this now is exhausting me even more! If you hadn't been in my room I wouldn't have left the hospital! You're treating me like a child again!"

Mr Meyer retorted, "You're acting like one! And you ARE our child! You're our little girl!"

"I'm  _almost_  30! Yes, I'm your  _youngest_  child, but I'm  _not_  your little girl any more! You  _never_  treat Veronica or Valerie like they're little girls, they're only 5 years older than me!"

"That's because they're married with their own children!" Mrs Meyer replied.

Vanessa glared incredulously at her father then her mother, "Oh so because  _I'm_  not married or haven't given you grandchildren, you treat me  _extra_  special?! So what you're actually saying is that if I had a husband and kids I'd be normal and you'd stop treating me the way you have been?! BULLSHIT! You've  _always_  treated me like a child because I was born a month premature, now even  _more_  so since I was abducted and raped. You can't even fathom how claustrophobic that is! You know what, I was  _so_  glad when you left Jersey and moved to Ohio, because for the  _first_  time in my life I was able to live  _my_  life! Now... you know I've been rescued, so do me a favour and please  _leave_!" Vanessa brushed passed her parents, heading for the front doors of the small hospital.

"Vanessa, wait!" Mr Meyer grabbed his daughter around the wrist to stop her leaving, but Vanessa reeled back in terror and fright. Mr Meyer immediately let go when he saw the look of fear in his daughter's eyes.

Alan spoke up, "Sir, I think you should listen-"

"Don't you 'Sir' me,  _boy_! And I don't have to listen to you!"

"- to your  _daughter_."

The red head turned on her father, "Don't you  _dare_  call Sheriff Officer Irvine a  _boy_! Alan is a MAN... and this MAN saved my life...  _twice_! Now  _you_  show him the respect  _he_  has earnt, and the respect  _I_  should have. Mom, Dad, again I love you both, but if you  _can't_  do what I've  _repeatedly_  asked you to do, then  _please_  just go back to Ohio. Now listen  _very_  carefully to the next few words that come out of my mouth: I'LL CONTACT WITH YOU WHEN I'M READY! Sheriff, I'm sorry to have caused any trouble. Alex, Liv, I'm sorry for making you worry. Valerie, Veronica  _and_  Alan, can you please help me to my room? I'm hungry and tired... today has been  _very_  exhausting for me. And Doctor, I think I might need you to check my feet."

* * *

Vanessa had visited Olivia in her small hospital room after dinner Friday evening. The red head didn't know if her parents were still in Winthrop or not, she hadn't seen them since she walked back into the hospital after the confrontation. But her sisters were still around for a few more days. Vanessa brought up the subject of her job while they talked. She'd spoken to Olivia a couple of times during their imprisonment in the cellar, and Liv reminded her about talking to Alex about her future job prospects seeing the ADA was more familiar with  _that_  side of the law.

Saturday started out great for Olivia, she finally got out of being in hospital underwear and back in to her own panties. It probably wasn't a big thing for some, but underwear that makes you feel like your wearing a diaper, not the best. She wondered if she would have breakthrough bleeding again, Doctor Leonard said it was possibility. She still hadn't decided what to do, but the opportunity of being a mother appealed to her the more she felt the baby move. But everything hinged on the results. Could she really be like her own mother and raise a child conceived through rape if father of the baby was Lewis Williams? What  _was_  different was Olivia had Alex Cabot. Someone that loved her, someone that would stand by her, someone that was strong and someone that understood. Olivia was so grateful to have Alex in her life and wanted to show the ADA she was, particularly on Sunday.

"Where's Alex?" Doctor Leonard approached as Olivia waited for the hairdresser to arrive in her hospital room.

"She's taking Cragen to the airport, so she'll be back later. A case has just come up back home... unfortunately it's a revictimisation case. So, seeing I'm off duty for the next 2 months and the other female SVU detective is unavailable right now, there needs to be all hands on deck at the 1-6." Olivia explained to Kelly. Liv wanted to be there for Sarah Walsh, it had been  _her_  case originally, but knew it was impossible right now.

"That's ok. I have some important test results that you should know."

"Baby results?"

"No, it's your STI results. All clear." Kelly informed Olivia. "I know you're waiting on those other results, but I'm sure Doctor Smith would have told you that the amnio and paternity tests would take about a week. To be honest, I wouldn't expect them any earlier than Wednesday."

"Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot. It's been a bit intense the last few days for so many different reasons."

Kelly pulled up a chair next to the brunette, "What's on your mind Olivia? Wanna talk?"

"It's nothing really. Well, no that's not true. It's just that the next few days for Alex and I will be very emotional and even more intense than they have been. Especially tomorrow and Tuesday."

"Why would that be?"

"Sunday is the 10 year anniversary of Alex's shooting."

"Tomorrow?! Wow! She told Melanie and I about that after dinner, but she  _never_  once mentioned it was so close! And Tuesday?"

"That's the 10 year anniversary of me finding out Alex  _wasn't_  dead but was in the Witness Protection Program. It's the day that changed my life..."

Little did either women in the room know at that very moment in time that Tuesday's anniversary would also change Olivia's life again... whether it would change for better or for worse was unknown to anyone, but it would ultimately change her life forever. But that was  _still_  3 days away.

"... So I need your help, Kelly. You sneakily helped Alex surprise me with my room full of flowers, so I was wondering if you could reciprocate the favour?"

"What do you have in mind?"

"I know I'm still in hospital... hopefully for not too much longer, but I'd really like to do something special for Alex. Even if it was just being outside for a few hours with her in the courtyard to take Alex's mind off the day... with Doctor's permission, of course!"

A large grin crept on Kelly's face, "I don't want a wandering patient again, but I think I have an idea. The only problem is we may need to break the law... well, maybe not break, perhaps just bend it a little. What do you think about this?"

The doctor explained her suggestion to the SVU detective. Liv's grin matched the doctor's when Kelly had finished explaining her idea, "I like it! No, I  _love_  it! So I have Doctor permission and approval to do this?"

"Your doctor approves 100%!"

"But what about the bending the law bit? How will that work?"

Kelly patted Liv's arm lightly as she stood up, " _You_  leave that to  _me_... I have  _ways_  of making Sheriff Melanie Leonard do...  _anything_. I've had her wrapped around my little finger for years!"

* * *

The hairdresser looked at the mess Lewis Williams had done to Olivia and tried her best not to cringe. "How would you like your hair to look?"

Olivia didn't need any magazines to know how she wanted her new style to look, she just hoped Alex would like it. She also wondered what Vanessa was going to have done.

"... So if you can wash, cut and style my hair like that? All I ask is that you _don't_  use a hair dryer on a  _hot_  setting... particularly around my face. A cooler setting should be fine." Olivia didn't want to explain to the hairdresser that heat like that might trigger her to flashback to what Lewis had done only about a week ago, so it was easier just to ask first.

"Ah, ok. I can do that. Let me work my magic!" the hairdresser smiled.

 ** _I will be your knight in shining armour,_**  
**_Coming to your emotional rescue._  ~ The Rolling Stones (Emotional Rescue)**


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A specific ep is referenced regarding Olivia's new hair style, so readers will know exactly how I think it looks (Refer: End Notes). Now, after all the intensity of the last 3 chapters in particular, I really needed to write something... fun, and a little naughty! So I make NO apologies WHATSOEVER for the M rating of this chapter containing lady loving ;-). Please understand and respect it might be a while before Alex and Olivia get to that level of intimacy again (but they will eventually, I promise!), so hopefully the Sheriff and the Doctor will suffice for this time :-).

**_These battle scars don't look like they're fading,_**  
**_Don't look like they're ever going away._**  
**_They ain't never gonna change,_**  
**_These battle..._  ~ Guy Sebastian feat. Lupe Fiasco (Battle Scars)**

"Hey Liv, I'm back from dropping Cragen at- Oh my god!" Alex hand shot up to cover her mouth at the doorway of Olivia's hospital room.

"What?!" Olivia panicked, that wasn't the reaction she was hoping for.

"'It's... ahh... err... hmm..." Alex tried to find the right words, but her brain stopped working.

Olivia brushed her hair back behind her ear out of habit, her nails manicured and painted a rich dark plum. Olivia Benson's one secret proclivity. "You don't like it, do you?"

"No, I  _don't_  like it." Alex approached. Olivia's panic was unfounded as a hug grin appeared on Alex's face as she moved her hand away and entered the room. "I  _love_  it!" She had a overwhelming urge to run her fingers through the short, silky brown locks.

"I knew the hairdresser needed to take a lot off to fix it. It feels a bit odd having it like this again to be honest."

"It's bringing back a lot of memories being short like this. I clearly remember you having a similar style when you went undercover with Elliott at a bar. I tried  _so_  hard to keep my eyes off you and not stare, drool or make a fool of myself when I saw what you were going to wear." Alex recounted and smile appeared on Olivia face. "You were in a off the shoulder little black dress with tiny spaghetti straps. I loved you looking like that. Truly breathtaking, as always."

Olivia's smile slowly fell away, Alex still hadn't seen her scars yet. "Yeah well, I doubt I'll ever get to wear something like  _that_  again."

"Why not?"

"You haven't seen what  _he_  did to me... my back. It's bad, worse than what you've seen so far on my arms and stomach. It's  _not_  pretty." Liv shook her head, "Forget it, you won't understand."

"Why won't I understand? I have scars too remember."

"You have a single bul-... scar." Olivia was going to say bullet scar, but she didn't want to bring up that. That really wasn't the direction she had wanted to take the conversation. Actually she didn't really want to have this conversation at all. Why had she opened her mouth? But it was too late to backpedal now. "It's hardly comparable to what I have."

"No, probably not. But have you forgotten I have numerous self inflicted scars on both my thighs as well as the bullet scar on my shoulder? You haven't seen those yet, so I don't think it's fair for  _either_  of us to compare."

Olivia eyes darted down to Alex's jean clad thighs for a moment and a twinge of guilt hit her, she hadn't been there for Alex when the ADA needed her the most, like Alex was being here for her right now. She  _had_ forgotten, but not on purpose. Her memory of Alex's supple porcelain skin from that night was perfection, only blemished with a puckered wound on her right shoulder and a small peace sign tattoo low on her hip. But the tattoo Olivia wouldn't consider a blemish really, more an enhancement actually. It broke her heart to know Alex had injured herself like she had at the lowest point of the blonde's life in Bellevue. That's why tomorrow had to try and take both their minds away from the shooting, and Liv's own incarceration. The brunette just hoped Kelly could convince Mel to help and play along.

Alex continued, "Remember I told you I had reservations wearing any clothes that showed off mine after I let you know what I did in Bellevue at one of our dinner dates? You told me to wear anything I wanted to wear proudly  _when_  I felt comfortable to do so. And just think of them as war wounds and battle scars because we all have them one way or another... whether those scars are emotional or physical."

"I... I know you'll have to see them soon, but I don't want you to see them just yet. A-are you alright with that?"

Alex heard the waiver of insecurity in Olivia's voice again, just like she had yesterday before Olivia's interviews. Liv had never been insecure about her appearances before. The scar on her forehead above her eyebrow that occurred in childhood, and the one on her neck from Victor Paul Gitano never bothered her in the past. But Alex had noticed that whatever was contributing to bringing out her insecurities, it always seemed to appear in the mornings. "Did you had another nightmare last night?"

Liv had slept best when Alex stayed in the hospital room that first night/early morning when she had been rescued. But since then, Alex had slept in one of the 2 guest bedrooms at the Leonards. The SVU detective didn't want to push her luck asking if Alex could stay in her hospital room when Melanie and Kelly were generously allowing Alex to stay at their home, and Cragen too before he returned to New York.

Lewis Williams may have been shot dead by Alan Irvine, but the Beast was still very much alive and well when Olivia Benson closed her eyes. Permeating her slumber, infiltrating her dreams turning them to nightmares.

Haunting her with the known.

Taunting her with the unknown.

Fighting with her mentally.

Battling with her emotionally.

At war with her.

Still torturing her.

She had steadfastly refused to take any sleeping medication after being drugged repeatedly by Lewis Williams. The only 'drug' Olivia felt she wanted and needed to sleep was a tall, blonde haired, blue eyed woman named Alex Cabot. Even though she had had that nightmare with Alex in her hospital room after her ultrasound, she had put that down to being aware that Alex had left the room but was unaware the ADA had returned a short while later. Olivia just hoped she could be discharged so she could be near Alex at night. The sooner the better.

Olivia ignored the blatantly accurate question Alex had asked. "I-I just don't want you being shocked by what you see. I'm just trying to prepare you for when you finally do."

She knew she had promised not to shut Alex out, but she really didn't want to worry Alex about this. She needed to be there for Alex particularly for the next couple of days, that was more important to the SVU detective than anything to do with herself right now. Olivia was sure the nightmares would cease as soon as was spooned behind the blonde, her arm draped protectively over Alex's waist.

The tone of Alex's voice was soft as she took Olivia's bandaged hands in her own, making sure she had the detective's undivided attention. "You don't need to ask if I'm alright with things like that because I understand why. I'm not going to demand that you show me them. Everything is at  _your_  pace, Olivia. I'll see your scars when  _you're_  ready to let me see them, and  _not_  before. You'll tell me things that happened when  _you're_  ready, and not before. Ok?"

"Ok." Olivia replied, the timbre of her voice still not reflecting her usual confidence.

"Liv, I'll reassure you each and every day if I have to, alright?"

"I'm sorry, Alex. I'm just... being silly... blowing things out of proportions. Maybe it's... I don't know, baby hormones..." Liv trailed off. She hadn't yet told Alex about the possibility of being drugged with GHB after yesterday's drama of Vanessa wandering off. It certainly wasn't on purpose, but she was more concerned for Vanessa's safety and Alex's wellbeing than she was her own. And with her lack of sleep, she'd truly forgotten the shocking revelation until just now.

"You're far from being silly. It's probably a combination of a lot of things, it's been quite intense for you these last few days. I'm sure you know what tomorrow is, and I needn't remind you the next few days will be the same. The only thing I want to do right now is to show you how much you mean to me."

Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's as she tenderly enveloped her arms around the brunette. Her hand snaked up, gently threading her fingers through the silky brown strands at the back of Olivia's head in a comforting reassurance. "I love you so much."

"I love you too, sweetie." Rapidly blinking away the tears that threatened to fall, they suddenly overwhelmed her. Sobbing uncontrollably, Olivia clung tighter to the blonde. "Alex... he may have... drugged me.. with GHB. Six empty bottles... were found. He drugged me more... than he did 'Nessa! What if... what if... the... bay... the..."

"The baby?"

Nodding, Olivia hiccuped another sob.

Alex didn't know what to do, this was unexpected news. As unexpected as the baby news itself. She took her time before replying, "Umm... first off, we don't speculate anything, neither of us are doctors. Ahh... if you want we ask the OBGYN, or we can ask Kelly what it could mean for the baby... but even then they will only be giving you  _possible_  scenarios."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner! I-I forgot... then 'Nessa went...a-and her father blew up.. and T-Tucker... and that FBI asshole... I'm  _so_  sorry Alex!"

"It's ok, Olivia. Yesterday was hectic and chaotic to say the least. Did you find out about the GHB during your interview?"

Olivia nodded again, burying her face in the curve on Alex's neck while Alex resumed stroking her hand through Olivia's hair and reassuring her it was ok, and that she wasn't upset Olivia hadn't told her sooner. The tears that overwhelmed her slowly but surely ebbed away. Olivia Benson wasn't used to crying this much, nor this often, but she had been through so much since she'd been kidnapped. She was so grateful Alex Cabot was in her life, helping her though this traumatic and tumultuous time and would be with her, right beside her, every step of the way. She didn't think she could be this open or vulnerable with anyone else. Certainly not any other member of the SVU team, past or present.

"Do you want to talk to Kelly or the OBGYN?" Alex broached the subject again, still holding Olivia in her arms.

"Umm.. I think... I think we should wait. Y-you're always telling me not to jump to conclusions."

"Alright, we'll wait. But if you change your mind and decide you want to ask, I'll understand too."

Olivia inhaled deeply. Whatever it was that made up Alex's scent, it placated the brunette and her emotions. "You smell nice." Liv had murmured it before she realised it.

"Sit down for me, Liv."

Alex rummaged in her handbag, pulling out a small tube but Olivia couldn't see of what. Pulling up a chair next to Olivia, she squeezed a small amount of cream on her hands and gently massaged into one of the recently healed scars from the handcuffs on Olivia's wrist.

"That feels really nice."

"It also smells good." Alex confirmed.

Liv raised her wrist and inhaled, "It smells like... brownies... and you."

"It's Cocoa Butter and Vitamin E cream. Trust me when I say it will help with the scars." Alex indicated her shoulder, "Even after all these years, I still use it."

So _that's_  what smelled so comforting and familiar to Olivia when she inhaled Alex's scent, combining the light perfume of the cream and her own scent. Maybe that might help her sleep better tonight if Alex couldn't be near until she was discharged.

"Would you like some more? Let me continue your day of pampering?"

A smile appeared as Olivia nodded her approval. "Please."

Some time later, Alex looked up and saw Olivia starting to nod off in the chair. A small smile crept on the ADA's mouth as she continued to massage the cream into another healing pink scar. Exhaustion finally took over and allowed Olivia to sleep.

It was nearing midday, but Alex knew lunch for the both them could wait.

* * *

"Honey? I need your help." Kelly said finishing her meal of warm roast vegetable salad with balsamic vinegar at the dining table. The Leonard women were having a rare Saturday lunch together at home, alone.

"Mmm? 'ow so?" Mel asked, shovelling a forkful of Caesar salad with extra bacon in her mouth.

She explained what Sunday meant to both Alex and Olivia. Mel was stunned to say the least to know that the anniversary of Alex's shooting was just the next day.

"So you know how we helped Alex surprise Olivia with that flower delivery from all her friends and colleagues? Olivia wants to do something for Alex tomorrow. Nothing extravagant or over the top because she's still recovering, and Olivia said Alex doesn't like big surprises. Just something simple and quiet, so they can be outside together for a few hours. And we may need to bend the law...  _slightly_."

Melanie raised an eyebrow in curiosity at the mention of bending the law, another forkful of salad in her mouth. "Wha' d'you 'ave 'n mind?"

Kelly explained her suggestion to her wife as she had done with Olivia, and also included Olivia's suggestions too. She was sure Mel would say yes, the Leonard women had already pulled a similar little surprise on Heather when Brad was promoted to Deputy Sheriff. But the doctor also knew that Melanie could say no as well... but only to tease and frustrate. They had each played this 'game' many times before, regularly as a matter of fact, with each other and both knew precisely where it would lead.

Placing down her fork, then wiping her mouth with a napkin, Melanie raked her eyes over Kelly's body, lingering longingly on her ample cleavage, then back up to green eyes. A sly grin settled on Mel's mouth for a few moments before begin replaced with indifference, indicating the 'game' had begun. "Yes I'll help  _but_  I'm not breaking the law, babe! Do you  _know_  what that would look like?  _I'm_  the Sheriff remember! Look at the precedence I would be setting breaking the law like  _that_! And let's not forget that it  _could_  be construed as an abuse of Winthrop Sheriff Department time and property!  _Absolutely_  not!"

"It's not breaking the law! Just bending it  _ever_  so slightly to pull this off... not even  _that_  if you really think about it! And I  _know_  you're the Sheriff, are you going to arrest yourself?"

"Of course I won't. But no!  _I'm_  not breaking the law for  _you_."

" _I've_  broken the law for  _you_! Doctor/Patient privilege, remember! One  _more_  than one occasion, I might add!"

"Well, you'll have to figure out  _another_  way to convince me." Mel finished the last of her glass of water, gathered then carried the plates away. "I'm going to do the dishes now." She winked over her shoulder, she knew full well what Kelly was prepared to do. The doctor waited until she knew Melanie was rinsing the plates before following.

"I said I'd do the dishes babe... Mmm... hello!" A pair of knowing hands crept around Melanie's waist from behind as she rinsed the last lunch dish for the dishwasher.

"Hi." Kelly's breath tickled the shell of Mel's ear. The doctor's hands found the buttons of Melanie's shirt and lazily began to unbutton them from the top down.

"What are you _do-ing_?" The Sheriff sing songed, pretending she had no clue.

"Nothing." Kelly replied casually.

"Really? Because I get the feeling you want  _something_."

"Maybe."

Gently biting the earlobe of the shaggy blonde, Kelly opened up the button down shirt. Pulling down the red lace bra cup, she pinched and rolled the nipple between her thumb and finger, eventually eliciting the groan she had wanted to hear from her wife.

"Are you going to bend the law for me, honey?" she murmured softly, kissing the curve of Mel's neck.

"Nope."

"Fine!" Kelly instantly pulled her hands away and left Mel standing there in the kitchen in a lust filled haze.

"Where are you going?!"

"Lounge room." Kelly called out.

Mel stood in the middle of the lounge room, still in the same disheveled state Kelly had left her, but she had helped by untucking and opening her button down all the way as she left the kitchen. Kelly's own blouse was now draped over the back of the lounge suite. The shaggy pixie cut blonde knew her wife was in the adjoining office waiting for her to face away. Pretending to look around, she finally turned away continuing the façade of searching for Kelly. The Sheriff was rewarded a few moments later as the same knowing hands pulled the other bra cup down, repeating the same teasing ritual on her other nipple. Moisture pooled lower for the blonde at the delicious sensation while Kelly's free hand drew random patterns with a featherlight touch on Mel's tanned torso. Even after 18 years of being in each others lives, they could work each other into a sensual frenzy in mere moments, or they could draw it out for hours on end. The term 'lesbian death bed' was unheard of, and did not exist in the Leonard house.

Once the telltale groan was heard, Kelly whispered again. "Babe, are you going to bend the law for me?"

"Ah, no."

"Fine!" Kelly huffed, removed her hands and began to stalk away, but not before playfully slapping Melanie's ass cheek.

"Where are you going now?" As if Mel needed to ask.

"Where do  _you_  think?"

"Bedroom?"

Kelly walked back over her Melanie, patted her in the cheek then pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "Good guess."

The spiky salt and pepper haired woman walked away, removed her mint green bra without a care in the world, tossed it over her shoulder in Melanie's direction. The Sheriff caught it mid air with a grin, but tossed it on the lounge chair with Kelly's blouse. Mel shucked her button down and bra on the way to the bedroom, noticing a pair of pants, a belt and the matching mint green boy shorts at various points on the floor on the way to the master bedroom. She knew Kelly could be either waiting on the bed, but Melanie doubted that; hiding in the en-suite, a possibility; hiding behind the bedroom door, another possibility; or she could be hiding in the walk-in closet ready to pounce, an old cliché joke but one that always made them laugh these days seeing how insecure they had both been with their sexuality in their younger years.

The click of the bedroom door revealed to Melanie where Kelly's hiding place. A moment later her warm, naked body pressed up against the Sheriff's back.

"So I need to convince you, huh?" Kelly wound her arms around again, one hand palming her breast, the other resuming drawing random patterns on Mel's torso, trailing lower each time.

Mel swallowed, "Uh-huh."

Eventually unbuckling the belt, and slipping her hand inside Mel's jeans and panties, Kelly kept the teasing, tormenting featherlight touch going on the strip of trimmed blonde curls and swelling outer folds. "Is this  _helping_?"

"A... a little."

Kelly tugged the jeans and panties down enough to let gravity take over, "On the bed, honey."

As soon as Mel was lying down, her wife crawled between her legs. Kelly extended her tongue, laving up and down lightly over the strip of trimmed blonde curls numerous times, knowing full well the building anticipation was tormenting the Sheriff, she could already smell her arousal.

Kelly looked up to see those beautiful grey eyes she fell in love with reflecting nothing but love and desire, "Convinced yet?"

"Getting closer," Mel hands slowly palming her own breasts.

Kelly slid a middle finger between the slick folds, brushing over and over the swollen bundle of nerves teasingly. "Need some sort of...  _stimulation_... to convince you?"

Mel nodded her head in desperation, "Please."

"Oh well!" She removed her finger and popped it in her mouth, a smug grin fixed in place betrayed her attempt to look innocent.

"Put that back where it was!" Melanie growled. The was no real malice in her voice, it was all part of their 'game'.

"You said no... so can I!" Kelly teased, resting her chin on Mel's thigh.

"I'll finish off myself." Mel slid her hand down, but Kelly grabbed it with her free hand halting its progress. Kelly slipped her finger back between wet folds, resuming her teasing of Mel's clit for a few more seconds.

"Finish off?!" snorted Kel. "We haven't even started yet... you and I both know it!" Removing her finger again, Kelly settled back down between Mel's legs, showering her inner thighs with open mouth kisses. Mel raised her hips a few times to give Kelly a hint to what she wanted. "Yeah,  _not_  gonna happen yet, babe. _I_  have to  _convince_  you, remember? And you know how much I like to tease!" Kelly chuckled. Slowly, she hovered her mouth tantalizingly near where Melanie wanted then brushed her tongue briefly over Mel's clitoris before resting her head back down on the tanned thigh, laughing at Mel's exasperated expression.

Mel glowered down at her wife, "ARGH! I  _hate_  you and  _your_  game!"

Kelly crawled up Mel's body, pinching a nipple to playfully chastise the complaining blonde. "You  _love_  me and  _my_ game!"

"No, you're  _wrong_! I love  _you_  and  _our_  game!" Mel captured her wife's mouth in a long, slow kiss. Her blunt nails dragging down Kelly's pale back as she tasted the remnants of her own essence on Kelly's tongue. Each woman lazily kissing, caressing and reexploring familiar curves and soft skin. "Now how about you get back down there and  _convince_  me, so  _I_  can show  _you_  how much I loved you convincing me."

"Alright! Alright!" Kelly moved reluctantly from Mel's arms. Two of Kelly's fingers swirled around and around her wife's opening. "You ready?" Kel continued to tease, once every so often moving higher to paint some more arousal on the swollen bundle of nerves. She knew she was treading on thin ice drawing this out as long as she was, but she knew in the end she would get just as good as she gave, so it was worth it.

Panting heavily, Melanie looked down her body at her wife who was looking back at her. She moved her hips again, trying to get move things along, "The anticipation is  _killing_  me and my arousal."

The doctor knew that was a blatant lie by the glorious little noises Melanie had been making and the amount of wetness coating her fingers. " _Femme! Attendez!_ "

"You and your damn... _le Français_!" Mel muttered darkly. Another lie, she loved when her wife spoke her little French words and they both knew it. "Get those inside me- _eeee!_ "

Kelly slid the two fingers in when Mel least expected it, curling them forward repetitiously after every stroke with a knowing familiarity. "You were saying,  _honey_? Looks like I found that special secret spot again. Now are you going to bend the law for me?"

"I don't... think so." Mel groaned, her arousal steadily building. "Convince me... a little more?"

Maintaining eye contact, Kelly sealed her lips around Melanie's clit, swirling and suckling as she began to speed up the curling and thrusting motion. Just as Kelly knew and could feel Mel's orgasm was only moments away, she lifted her head and stilled her fingers and innocently asked, " _Honey_? Am I  _convincing_  you yet?"

"JESUS KEL! DON'T STOP  _NOW_!"

"Last chance! _Or I could leave you hang-ing!_ " Kelly sing songed her reply.

"OF COURSE I'LL DO IT!"

"Good!" Kelly extracted her fingers and cackled evilly.

"DAMNIT! PUT THOSE BACK INSIDE ME AND GET BA- _AAAAA_!" Mel was silenced to a moan again when Kelly slid the fingers back inside her warm core. Kelly laughed as Mel berated her, " _You_  are  _cruel_... Kelly _Josephine_  Leonard!"

Kelly narrowed her eyes, " _Really_?! My  _full_  name?! Oh, you are in  _big_  trouble now... Melanie _Patricia Genevieve_  Zimmerley!"

Mel reached out and entwined her fingers with Kelly's free hand that were steadying her hips, knowing the threat was hollow. "That's Melanie Patricia Genevieve  _Leonard_ , and don't you  _ever_  forget it... Mrs Leonard."

"I  _never_  will,  _ma femme_." Kelly murmured, glancing up at her wedding ring then Mel's grey eyes before her fingers and mouth resumed their teasing finally rewarding Mel to crash over the edge of sexual ecstasy with a sharp cry.

Mel giggled after piecing herself back together. "I knew saying  _that_  would get you to finish me off! God, I  _so_  have you wrapped around my finger."

"Umm honey...  _who_  has  _who_  wrapped around their fingers?" Kelly joked, wigging her fingers still buried inside Melanie's warm core to emphasise her point as she crawled back into Mel's arms.

"Ahh! Stop that!" Mel chuckled and moaned, grabbing Kel's wrist. "You are  _evil_! And we  _both_  have each other wrapped around our fingers."

"Not  _yet_!" Kelly grinned lecherously, then was quite serious as she slowly extracting her digits then cupping her wife protectively. "No, I just I know we'd do anything for each other when either of us asked, and I'd  _really_ like to help our new friends out. They've both been through so much with Alex's shooting and having to go into Witness Protection  _twice_  no less, and with Olivia's abduction now... they need to reconnect with each other... like  _we_  had to after I came back from Haiti with the MSF team. I think it'll be really nice for them."

"I think it will too. So when will Olivia be discharged? And Vanessa?" Mel trailed her hand up and down Kelly's spine.

"Not long now. They've both lost a bit of weight, so I want to make sure they've put some on and maintained it since they were brought in. I also want to make sure there's no difference in blood works from when they arrived as a precaution. Just want to be sure they're in good health."

Melanie pressed her lips to Kelly's forehead, "Always the doctor, Doctor Leonard."

"You realise we'll need Bradley's help for this? And a little from Heather too." Kelly said after a short silence.

"Yeah I know, but babe...  _please_  don't talk about my brother and sister-in-law while we're lying naked on our marital bed." Melanie flipped them over, hovering over the salt and pepper haired woman. Her fingertips trailed down brushing over bare outer folds, "Now it's payback time. Let's see how much  _you_  like being teased."

Kelly folded her arms behind her head, pushing her ample breasts out that little more invitingly. "Honey, _I'm_  not the impatient one,  _remember_."

Mel licked her lips in desire, lowering her head to claim Kelly's mouth. "You're absolutely right... I want you...  _now_!"

Kelly reached her hand up, lazily dragging her finger between the valley of Mel's breasts, then teasingly brushing her thumb over a nipple before Mel worked her way down between the doctor's legs, hooking one over the Sheriff's shoulder.

"Now I want to show you how well you convinced me." Melanie's mouth hovered over the bare folds of her wife.

" _Femme_?"

Mel's eyes darted up finding green ones looking back at her, "Yes?"

When Kelly didn't say anything else, Mel extended her tongue in preparedness to lave a broad lick over the smooth folds. Kelly's voice was barely audible, " _Attendez_."

Mel whipped her head up, "WHAT?! THAT'S  _NOT_  FAIR!" she whined as Kelly burst in to a fit of hearty laughter at her wife's petulance.

"Melanie," Kelly took pity on the Winthrop Sheriff, threading her hand through the shaggy pixie cut blonde hair. Her eyes reflecting nothing but desire. " _Je t'aime_."

"I love you, too." Mel whispered back, before making love to her wife with her mouth.

* * *

Alex studied Olivia carefully as the brunette's chest rose and fell rhythmically, snoring ever so slightly on every inhaled breath. Olivia's new hair style made her jawline more defined, just the way Alex liked it. The bruise around Olivia's left eye was starting to fade to greens and yellows at the edges, and Alex was sure the sclera of Olivia's eye was a shade paler than the blood red it had been initially. A few more bandages were removed from her arms and a few more scars were healing pink. Her left foot was still purple and swollen from the fracture, but the walking boot was doing its job and Olivia was walking further each time. Alex could only imagine what Olivia's back looked like, all Olivia had told her was that she'd been cut and burned a lot, and nothing more elaborately detailed than that. Alex respected Olivia's wish and wouldn't push anything until the detective was ready.

The one thing different from when Alex had watched Olivia sleep after the ultrasound was that Olivia was resting peacefully. She wasn't restlessly murmuring, calling out, nor fighting off or fighting with unseen demons. The ADA's stomach was protesting being empty, but she wouldn't leave Olivia's side until she had woken up. She didn't want to give Olivia any reason to fret seeing Alex always stayed for as long as visiting hours would allow.

Olivia's eyes slowly fluttered open, taking in her surroundings. She was still in her hospital room, Alex right beside her in the other chair.

Alex reached out, stroking the older woman's cheek. "Hey sleepyhead."

"Did I-"

"You fell asleep while I was massaging that cream on to some of the scars on your arms. I didn't have the heart to wake you so I just sat here beside you and waited."

"How long was I asleep?"

"A couple of hours. It's a little after 2-30 now. You looked quite peaceful and... you even snored a little." Alex said with a light laugh.

Olivia chastised, "I don't snore!"

Alex raised an eyebrow in mock challenge, "Just like you  _don't_  talk in your sleep?"

It may have only been just a couple of hours, but Olivia had slept soundly and felt refreshed.

No nightmares.

No torment.

No terror.

No Lewis.

"You hungry?" Alex asked just as her stomach protested again. "I know I am."

"Starving!" Olivia laughed as she pushed herself up out the chair, her own stomach being just as vocal.

Maybe it  _was_  Alex being close by that helped her sleep. Olivia truly hoped that's what it was, and that she would have a decent sleep overnight. Tomorrow be exhaustive for both women, in more ways than one. It wouldn't be an extravagant or over the top day. It would be a quiet and subdued day together, but still have an emotional undercurrent attached nonetheless. Kelly had said that she'd arrange everything, and for Olivia not to worry... just for Olivia to be ready after breakfast.

Sunday couldn't arrive fast enough for Olivia's liking, in more ways than one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ep reference: Risk


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will put a trigger warning for anyone that may have self harmed. As per past chapters, I won't go into graphic detail, I just can't write like that. As you know, I'm not a doctor nor a law enforcement officer, so if anything is incorrect in those regards, sorry in advance.

_**When the friends are gone,** _   
_**When the party's over,** _   
_**We will still belong to each other.** _   
_**Underneath your clothes,** _   
**_There's an endless story_...  ~ Shakira (Underneath Your Clothes)**

Gathering her freshly laundered clothes for the day, Alex padded across the tiled floor and entered the bathroom in a black camisole and a pair of blue sleep shorts, shivering in the coolness of the morning. She didn't have much choice for her sleeping attire seeing as she had only packed lightly for the extradition that Rafael and Joe had successfully carried out from New Mexico. But she was thankful the Leonards had central and underfloor heating. Winthrop, Maine was several degrees cooler than New York, but for the moment, the days were still pleasantly warm. After closing the door, placing her clothes on a small stool in the corner, then splashing her face with lukewarm water, she studied herself in mirror that covered the length of the bathroom wall. Her bullet scar on her right shoulder, inflicted 10 years ago to date, now a pale puckered wound, exposed for the world to see. She pressed her left index finger to long healed wound, remembering the 9mm tearing through her skin, felling her in the blink of an eye. Alex stood there staring at her reflection, remembering Olivia hovering over her, desperately trying to stem the flow of blood pouring from her shoulder. Olivia had called her sweetheart, pleaded with her to stay alive before everything faded away to darkness.

Alex inhaled a steadying breath then brushed away the stray tear slipping down her cheek.

10 years ago to date, she died in more ways than one.

2 days after her 'death', after much begging, pleading and a couple of threats thrown in for good measure, she was able to have 5 minutes of her life back, being allowed to inform Olivia that was in fact alive.

Not her own mother.

Not her Uncle Bill.

Olivia.

She knew she had to also have Elliott attend if she wanted Olivia so it wouldn't seem odd, but she didn't care. As long as Olivia knew.

As soon as the SUV drove away, everything she had known for her entire life she had to forget as Alexandra Cabot ceased to exist any more, replaced by someone who looked and sounded exactly like Alex Cabot but wasn't Alex Cabot at all... Emily Richards. Emily Richards, who's life she had to learn like a character in a horrible B-Grade movie in the space of a week, then be extensively quizzed on like a game of  _Jeopardy!_ with every category reflecting this new false 'life' she was expected to live after she passed the quiz...  _"I'll take Emily Richard's Favourites for $200 please, Alex"_... but even thinking the hosts' name, Alex Trebek, it reminded her who she wasn't any more.

And for 16 months, she lived a life that was not her own.

For those brief few days when she returned to New York for the Connors trial, she was Alex again. Olivia had her remember in more ways than one who Alex Cabot was. For those 12 hours in that room that night, she was alive more than she had ever been. But then after everything was said and done, she was whisked away to start the ritual again to live the life of someone else for almost a year. Who was she that time? Debbie? Sally? Jodie? She didn't remember nor did she care to.

She took a few steps back as she removed the camisole. Her pink nipples on her small breasts already protesting their displeasure of the coolness in the air. Her eyes found her own reflection again, then the self inflicted scars on her thighs peaking out from the hem of her sleep shorts. Slowly, she slipped the sleep shorts down over slim hips before stepping out of them. The tips of her fingers skated over the numerous pale healed jagged lacerations on one thigh, then the other. She hadn't harmed herself an attempt to take her own life. It was a cry for help, and an attempt to feel  _something_ , to feel  _anything_ , to feel  _alive_. She desperately needed Olivia at that time, and as she tried to push the blood back in to her own thighs on the bathroom floor in her room at Bellevue, she imagined they were Olivia's hands not her own. A little voice in the back of her head that sounded very much like Olivia Benson asking,  _'Why did you do this, Alex? This isn't the answer sweetheart. This isn't the way to feel alive.'_

That little voice was right.

Hooking her thumbs in the waist band, she slid her panties down, tossing them aside with her sleeping clothes. She zeroed in on her peace tattoo in the mirror, low on her right hip. Remembering Olivia dragging her tongue over the blueish green ink and lightly bruising the surrounding flesh, Olivia once again made her feel alive. A tiny smile settled on her mouth as her eyes darted to the left side of her hip. She wondered what Olivia would say about the newer tattoo she acquired after returning from her ICC tenure. But the answer to  _that_  mystery would be for another time in the future. She wasn't going to tell Olivia about the additional work of body art. Olivia would find out when Olivia was ready to be intimate with her, however long that took. If it took months, or even years, then that's how long it would take.

She removed her Abhaya Fearlessness necklace and Olivia's ring, placing them well away from the basin. Alex wondered if one day in the future Olivia's sleep talking proposal from all those years ago would come to fruition. She knew she could propose herself, but their relationship was  _so_  young right now. And with Olivia's recovery from her ordeal and the likelihood of Olivia keeping the baby... they would take their relationship one day at a time, one step at a time. Turning on the shower taps, she allowed the water to heat up before stepping under the pounding water. She wouldn't allow the past to bring her down, not today. 10 years was a long time ago, past tense... the future was more important now. The tension in her shoulders flowed away with the soapy water and shampoo. The hot water stinging her skin, making her feel alive.

So grateful that she  _was_  alive, and in more ways than one.

Exiting the shower, she wrapped her hair in a towel and dried off her body with another. With her necklace and Olivia's ring back in place, she grabbed her tube of Cocoa Butter and Vitamin E cream to massage into her shoulder scar and thigh scars, just like she did every morning and every night. Panties, bra, jeans and a light pullover sweater, she plugged in the blow dryer to dry her long blonde tresses. A light dusting of makeup and her black framed glasses in place, she was ready to face the day.

Another quick look in the mirror, a confident smile and a sharp nod of her head confirmed it for her...

Yes, she was  _Alexandra Cabot_!

And yes, she was  _alive_!

The faster she had breakfast, the quicker she could get to the hospital, and the longer she could spend with Olivia today.

* * *

"Morning Alex!" Mel greeted the ADA, taking a swig from the cranberry juice carton at the kitchen bench. "You want some coffee?"

"Morning! Coffee would be wonderful, thankyou." Alex wandered in to the kitchen to join the Leonards for Sunday breakfast.

Mel pressed the button on the coffee machine as she took another mouthful of juice. Kelly's no nonsense voice instantly cut through the air behind Alex from the lounge room, " _MELANIE PATRICIA GENEVIEVE ZIMMERLEY_! YOU HAD  _BETTER_  NOT BE DRINKING OUT THAT JUICE CARTON!"

Her grey eyes widening at the use of her full unmarried name, Mel immediately put the juice carton on the counter and pushed it away from her. She hissed at Alex, "You didn't see  _anything_. Got it?"

"Melanie, did you just drink out the juice carton?" Kelly approached, rounding on her wife.

"N-no."

Kelly studied Melanie's face for a time, then turned and faced the ADA. "Alex? Did she drink out that juice carton?"

Alex didn't want to be part of this silly domestic squabble and covered for Mel, "I-I just got here and wasn't really paying attention, I'm sorry."

"That's ok. Melanie  _knows_  I'm only going to ask her  _one_  more time." Kelly turned back and faced the Sheriff, narrowing her eyes in seriousness. "Honey, did you drink directly out that juice carton?"

"No, babe." Mel lied.

"Good," Kelly pressed a soft kiss to Mel's lips but instantly pulled back. " _MELANIE PATRICIA GENEVIEVE ZIMMERLEY, YOU_  are  _FULL_ of  _SHIT_! I can  _taste_  it on your lips!"

Kelly stormed away, snatching up the car keys from the bowl on the kitchen bench. She turned around, pointed a finger at the Sheriff, her voice dangerously low and threatening. " _Femme! Dégoûtant!_ "

The front door slammed shut a few moments later, making both blondes jump in surprise, followed by the sound of the Leonards car driving away.

"Well, so much for our day off together." Mel sighed heavily, running a hand through her shaggy pixie cut. She noted the look of apprehension and uneasiness on Alex's face. "Don't worry Alex, it's nothing to do with you. Kel's been called in to work today on her day off, so she's already pissed. Me drinking out the juice carton just pissed her off even more. We've had this...  _discussion_... on  _more_  than one occasion over the years. She hates me drinking out the carton,  _especially_  in front of guests. In her words, it's disgusting." Mel sighed again, "The joys of being married to a woman with French ancestry... fiery and passionate in more ways than one. Promising to clean the bathroom will earn me points, but I have some  _serious_  sucking up to get back in her good books."

"Otherwise you'll be sleeping in spare bedroom tonight?"

"You know, it's never happened in all the years we've been together. We never go to bed until things are sorted out."

"Are you going to go after her?"

Mel poured two cups of coffee, "I will... but after all these years together, I know how long I need for her to cool down before I even  _think_  about trying to apologise to her. How about we have our breakfast, then about half an hour later I drive you to the hospital to visit Olivia seeing I now have to go there too. It'd be silly for us to use both our cars."

Alex took a sip of her coffee, "Sounds like a plan."

* * *

Half way to the Winthrop Medical Centre, the portable radio in the console of the Sheriff's Ford Expedition patrol vehicle crackled to life.

_"Winthrop Station to Portable 2... I have a report of an abandoned SUV Minivan at Narrows Pond... are you able to check it out any time soon? Over."_

_"Portable 2 to Winthrop Station... Negative. I've only just arrived in the Torsey Lake vicinity for that break-in. I'll be here a while yet. Sorry Deputy Zimmerley. Over."_ the other male Sheriff Officer of the Winthrop Sheriff's Department replied.

Mel let out a frustrated sigh, "Alex, do you mind if I check this out? We're about... 2 or 3 minutes away from that location. I can at least give Brad a heads up."

"Well, so much for your day off." Alex sympathised with the Sheriff. "Go ahead. I completely understand the responsibilities law enforcement officers have."

"Yeah, the joys of being Sheriff of a small town. Even when I'm off duty, I'm still on duty. Same with Kelly." Mel replied pulling off to the side of the road, reaching for the portable radio in the console.  _"Portable 1 to Winthrop Station... I'm about 2-3 minutes from that location, Brad. I'll take a look and let you know. Over."_

" _Winthrop Station to Portable 1... Thanks Mel. Let me know how it goes. Over."_

As the Ford Expedition approached the area after turning off on a side road, Mel spoke up. "Might need your help, Alex. Narrows Pond is really a lake that's split in two... the road acts as a levee. So could you keep an eye on your side for an SUV?"

Alex was about say no problem, when she pointed to a silver SUV minivan with tinted windows on her side of the road, parked parallel across the small perpendicular car park. "There."

Parking a short distance from the SUV, Mel grabbed the portable radio. " _Winthrop Station to Portable 1. Just arrived on location. Checking now._ " As she exited the vehicle, Mel said back over her shoulder, "Just wait here, Alex. Shouldn't be too long, then we'll go to the hospital."

Alex's phone indicated an incoming message from Don Cragen. As she was just finishing tapping out a response, she was startled by a sudden knock at the passenger window. Her surprise grew even more by the person who'd knocked on the window.

"What are you doing here?!" Alex exited the vehicle.

Trying to brush her new short styled hair behind her ear, Olivia just grinned. As she held out her hand for Alex to take it, the blonde took in Olivia's appearance. The SVU detective hands were bandaged in a lighter gauze than she had been wearing previously. She was dressed in a pair of slightly baggy black jeans that were not her own with the left leg split at seams to accommodate the walking boot; a long sleeve chambray button down shirt unbuttoned at the sleeves, that again was not her own; one grey rubber clog that was  _certainly_  not hers. The one things Olivia was wearing that were hers was her leather jacket, belt and necklaces. Her makeup was light, but the bruise around her left eye was covered well. Olivia slowly led the way from the car towards the SUV.

"Interesting ensemble, Detective."

"Better than hospital couture, although it  _could_  be the next big thing at Fashion Week!" Olivia joked. "The jeans are an older pair of Mel's sister-in-laws that she didn't care if they were cut. The same goes for the shirt seeing it's actually split at the back and it tied up like the hospital gown because I still can't move my arms properly to put a shirt on. Maybe in a few more days though. The rubber clog... well, you know I despise them, but it was either wear it  _or_  go barefoot and suffer the wrath of the Doc later on if I injure it."

Alex cringed at the memory, "Mel was on the receiving end of that at breakfast."

"That  _wasn't_  wrath Alex, that was just some acting so I could leave the house and get Olivia from the hospital and get her here." Kelly hopped out the passenger area of the SUV where she had been hiding, Melanie a step behind her.

"So you mean I'm off the hook, babe?" Mel asked hopefully, sliding the passenger area door closed.

Kelly walked around to the driver's side door, "The  _hell_  you're off the hook for drinking out the juice carton! Clean  _both_  bathrooms  _and_  cook dinner tonight... then I  _might_ forgive you."

"Done!" Mel called out Kelly parked the SUV properly.

"Whipped." Olivia muttered lightheartedly.

Melanie nodded, "Yeah probably... but she's definitely worth it."

"Who's minivan then?" Alex asked, trying to figure out what was happening.

"Brad and Heather's minivan." Mel confirmed.

"So it  _wasn't_  abandoned?"

Mel shook her head, "Nope! Kelly hasn't been called in for work, and the other Winthrop Sheriff Officer isn't anywhere near Torsey Lake. He's is actually blocking access to one end of of the road behind us with barriers and Brad isn't at the station now, he'll be on Portable 3 radio blocking the other end of the road with barriers too because there is... ahh... what did I decide on? Oh yeah, water across the road blocking access to Narrows Pond... so to speak."

Alex was still trying to fathom what was going on right now, "But there  _was_  no water across the road."

"That  _you_  saw. It happens  _quite_  a lot on this road with the 2 lakes being separated by the levee road. Now there is a dip in the road about a quarter of a mile further along that floods often, so noone will question me being the Sheriff, or the Winthrop Sheriff Department for closing access the road." Mel said, a hint of playful cheekiness to her voice.

"You're  _breaking_  the law?!" Alex jaw dropped.

"I would  _never_  break the law! As Sheriff of the Winthrop Sheriff's Department I  _uphold_  the law, ADA Cabot!" Mel chastised, "Technically, I may be  _bending_  the law ever so slightly though. Trust me, it was all a ruse to get you here, and it's worth it."

Alex faced Olivia, "And  _why_  am I here?"

Olivia turned and pointed to the picnic table over near the small lake, "With the Doc's blessing, I have a few hours release from the hospital... so you and I are having a picnic here, alone."

Kelly handed Olivia the minivan keys, "We'll be back around 1pm to get you, because that's  _usually_ when the road stops flooding. See, no Winthrop local will be none the wiser. I'll leave you the keys in case it starts to rain or gets too cold though."

Melanie added, "But you can't leave because the road is blocked,  _remember_. You ladies have a great time together."

As Mel and Kelly departed in the Winthrop patrol vehicle, Olivia lead Alex towards the picnic table and benches stifling a yawn.

Alex commented, "Tired?"

"A little."

"Didn't you sleep well last night?" Alex avoided asking about nightmares directly, wondering if Olivia would be forthcoming about admitting the possibility. She also wondered if she would hear that small waiver of insecurity in Liv's voice today.

"Not really... the hospital bed isn't very comfortable. And with the night splint on my foot, it makes even more difficult." Olivia covered with a half truth.

It was true, the night splint made it difficult to sleep. She just didn't want to tell Alex that she had relived the ADA's shooting in her nightmares, but this one was even worse than she was used to. It started out as normal: Alex, Olivia and Elliott exiting the bar... the gunshots from the van... Alex on the ground, blood pouring from her shoulder... Olivia begging and pleading for Alex to stay with her... then Olivia yelling at Elliott to call a bus, then begging Alex not to die now. Usually Olivia woke up at this part of the nightmare, but this time she didn't. It continued, combining both the old nightmare with her new nightmares...

_... Liam Connors exited the van, gun in hand, approaching in slow motion... Olivia could see Elliott running towards her to help... Olivia looked back down at Alex's lifeless form, then back up again... but it wasn't Elliott running towards her to help now, it was Brian... all of a sudden, two more shots rang out... Brian's body jerking back at the bullets slammed into him... he slumped to the ground next to Alex, clutching his chest, blood pouring from his body too... Olivia looked back over her shoulder... Liam Connors had morphed into Lewis Williams... Olivia ignored the approaching Beast, desperately trying to save Alex, but wanting to help Brian too... Brian looked over to Olivia, struggling with as much effort he could muster to grab Alex's hand and placed it in Olivia's, blood foaming and frothing from his mouth...he slowly choked out, "You look after her... you look after your girl for me, Olivia"... Brian took his last breath, his eyes sliding out of focus... Olivia redoubled her efforts trying to stop Alex from bleeding out on the sidewalk, begging her not to die... the cold barrel of the gun pressed to the back of Olivia's head, but she ignored it, she had to save and protect Alex... suddenly she was pulled away, her arms being handcuffed behind her back... Lewis Williams vice like arms snaking around her waist... manhandling her towards the van... Olivia desperately struggling to break free to get back to Alex... Alex weakly calling out to Olivia... "Love you"... the door of the van slid open by itself... a mattress on the floor of the van... Vanessa was handcuffed to a chain on the wall of the van... "Help me Liv... Help Alex too"... Lewis laughed as he shackled Olivia to a chain on the van wall opposite Vanessa, then he began to slowly undress her on the mattress... "Time for you to be my guest, Detective Benson. Time for you to be a Mommy! Hope you don't fall asleep before we have some fun!"... the van door slammed shut and darkness enveloped the inside of the van... Olivia screamed..._

... That was when Olivia woke up from the nightmare. Alex didn't need to know about this nightmare, she didn't want to upset the blonde. Not today.

"Who were you messaging in the car?" Olivia asked as they neared the table.

"Don. He wants you to see him at the precinct when we get back to New York but it's nothing urgent. And before you ask, he didn't say why. He also said he was thinking of the both of us today."

"That's nice of him to say. Did you know the he's retiring in just over a year?"

Alex shook her head, "No, I didn't. I knew he would one day, but he's been the Captain for so long, you don't think of Don  _not_  being at SVU."

"I guess Munch wouldn't be too far off retirement either," the SVU detective sighed.

Olivia sat down, taking a few moments straddling the bench seat, then indicated for Alex to sit between her legs. The ADA sat, leaning back slightly against Olivia's chest. Liv brushed Alex's hair to one side, slid her hands down Alex's arms, entwining their fingers together before wrapping both their arms around the blonde to hold her closer. She pressed a soft kiss to the curve of Alex's neck, the scent of the Cocoa Butter cream combined with Alex's own scent calming her, before resting her chin on Alex's shoulder to look out over the small lake. They sat there for a time, just watching the tiny ripples in the water lapping the shoreline, listening to the sounds of different birds calling.

Peaceful.

Tranquil.

Serene.

Placid.

Olivia spoke quietly, "When I was in the cabin-"

Alex turned to look at the brunette, "You don't have to tell me, Olivia."

"It's ok, this I want you to know this now... it's nothing bad, I promise." Olivia reassured the blonde. Liv waited until Alex was looking out over the lake again before continuing, "When I was in the cabin, I remembered a lot of things we've done over the years... our interactions... they kept me hopeful. After what transpired between us at the Whitney that Friday night before what happened to me, I imagined today... this day in particular... we would be in Paris. I thought we could have taken a week long holiday so we could go see some master Plein Air painters... Renoir, Monet, Pissarro, Pinchon, van Gogh, Constable... just get away from everything and enjoy life... no court, no perps. Just the two of us. I'm sorry this isn't Paris, but it's the best I could do... considering everything that's happened."

"Don't apologise. I know you've always wanted to go to Paris. We'll go one day... if you want."

Liv asked hesitantly, "And if it's... three... of us?"

"Then the  _three_  of us go. I told you, whatever you decide, I will support your decision and will stand by you  _every_  step of the way."

"What if I  _don't_  want Paris anymore? What if it's somewhere else in the world?"

"Then it's somewhere else. I don't care where we are or where we go, as long as I'm with  _you_."

Olivia smiled, "What if Winthrop becomes  _our_  Paris holiday? I know it's not a fancy European city."

"No it's not a fancy city, but it doesn't have to be either. We've made some very special friends here, and I think friendship supersedes any fancy city. Besides, I don't know about you, but it's  _beautiful_  here."

"It  _is_  beautiful. You and I both know some terrible things happened to me in this town, but these last few days here with  _you_  have made up a lot of nicer memories for me than those not so nice ones... I  _do_  miss New York though." Olivia said with a hint of sadness, remembering just how long she'd been away from her home city.

Alex pointed their left entwined hands towards the lake, "I could see easily a Plein Air painter like John Singer Sargent... or maybe Winslow Homer would be more appropriate for us here in Maine... I could see him setting up an easel over at the water's edge, capturing a moment in time. It's a shame we had to discover this place and make friends under the circumstances that we did though."

"Yeah." Liv sighed, trying not to dwell on how she ended up being in Maine in the first place. "Seems we're not the only ones to make friends... Nessa's seemed to have made a friend too."

"I know I shouldn't be thinking like this right now, but I have to say Vanessa and Alan would make a cute couple."

"I think they would, and if something  _does_  happen between them I wish all the best... but 'Nessa needs a friend more than anything seeing she has a long journey ahead of her, and I think Alan will be able to help her along the way in more ways than one."

"How so?" Alex looked back over her shoulder.

"'Nessa told me Alan said he understood what she's been through more than what she realised. You and I both know that's not the first time I've heard someone say that to a survivor in my years at SVU."

"You think he's been raped, or sexually assaulted?"

Olivia nodded sadly, "We both know the  _known_  stats of men reporting is really low. We can only hazard a guess as to what male sexual assault stats  _really_  are with the fear of not being believed if they've been assaulted by a female, or being perceived as homosexual of they've been assaulted by a male."

"Maybe they'll end up helping each other, Liv."

They continued to look out over the lake in contented quiet, just happy to be in each others presence. The silence was broken by an incoming text message.

"Who is it?" Olivia groaned, trying to read the screen. She hadn't spoken directly to anyone else from SVU past or present since she'd been rescued, but had made Don pass on her thankyous and gratitude to everyone until she could do so in person.

"It's from Elliott... he says 'just a short message to let us know that he's thinking of the both of us today.'"

"He remembered."

"I don't think any of us will ever forget what today is. Don didn't, and I certainly didn't remind him either."

While they were taking their time to enjoy their picnic hamper, feeding each other small bites of food and watching a large osprey trying to catch fish in the lake with its talons, two more text messages arrived on Alex's phone in quick succession. One from Fin Tutuola, the other from John Munch, also letting them know they were in their thoughts. As Alex read John's message, a grin crept on Alex's mouth, as puzzlement settled on Olivia's features.

"Why does John's post script ask if I enjoyed my 'present'?"

"I know why, but I haven't given it to you yet. But I will now... if you want it." Alex negotiated.

"Alright, what is it?"

"A kiss."

"John  _kissed_  you?!"

Alex tried her utmost to placate the detective's emotions, "He kissed me on the  _cheek_  and said I was to give it to you how _I_  see fit."

"When was this?!"

"After we were told you'd been found, but just before Don and I were leaving."

"Oh." Liv took her time for asking, "Well, can I have my present now?"

Recluctantly, Alex extricated herself from Olivia's arms and turned around to mirror Olivia straddling to bench before she pressed a quick kiss to Olivia's cheek.

"There you go,  _John's_  kiss. Just like he kissed me!" Alex teased, waggling her eyebrows.

"And  _that's_  how you see fit to give me it?!" Olivia admonished with a pout.

"Sure!" Alex replied then feigned ignorance after a beat, "Oh!  _You_  want me to kiss you like  _I_  would? Well, that would be  _completely_  different then."

"And  _how_  different would it be then?"

"Maybe a bit like this?" Alex leant in, capturing Olivia lips with her own. Their tongues lightly touching, slowly and gently refamiliarising themselves. The tips of their fingers brushing and caressing each others hands before interlocking them. Suddenly Olivia pulled back, a look of surprise on her face.

"What's wrong? Did I make you too uncomfortable kissing you? I don't want you to  _ever_  feel uncomfortable with me."

Liv said nothing, but guided Alex's hand to her abdomen as she unbuckled her belt with ease.

"Did the baby move?"

"The baby's been really still today, but that was the strongest I've felt it move since we found out I'm preg-... there! Did you feel that?"

Alex had waited patiently but when Olivia smiled again, the ADA slowly shook her head, no.

"Oh," Olivia sigh sadly.

Alex pressed another soft kiss to Olivia's lips, "Maybe it's still too early for me? I remember Mom saying on more then one occasion that it took Dad a long time before he felt me move when she was pregnant with me. Maybe the baby is waiting for just the right time for me to feel it move?"

"That's probably the case." Olivia buckled her belt again. "Turn back around, I want to keep holding you the way I was."

As Alex settled back against Liv's chest, entwining their fingers and crossing their arms over Alex's body again Olivia asked, "Do you think anyone else will text today?"

"I shouldn't think so. You and I both know Casey doesn't like to be reminded that she replaced me under the circumstances that she did... both Serena and Uncle Bill don't like to be reminded what happened to me... Amanda's still in Bellevue until October 9th, that's Day 100 for her... Nick's got his plate full with Zara and Gil... and Amanda, Nick, Rafael or Joe wouldn't know the full details of what happened other than the basics anyway."

Over the next few hours they continued feeding each other, watching the world go by without a care in the world. All too soon for Alex's liking Melanie and Kelly pulled back in to the small car park next to the minivan.

"I guess we'll be heading back to the hospital now," Alex lamented as Mel and Kelly approached from the car park.

Olivia replied with a grin, "No. I purposely didn't tell you this, but I was actually discharged this morning!"

The news was met with an equally pleased grin from Alex.

* * *

After a quiet dinner cooked by Melanie, Kelly informed Olivia now would be the best time to change her wound dressings before Liv got too tired. As the doctor and the detective departed the room, Alex helped Melanie clear away the dinner plates from the table.

Kelly returned to the kitchen a short while later, "Alex, could you come with me?" While Kelly lead the way to the main bathroom she said to Alex before tapping on the door, "Olivia wants to speak to you."

Olivia opened the door sans leather jacket, and ushered Alex in. Kelly waited outside, giving the two woman the privacy Olivia had requested before she went and got Alex. The ADA noted that the bathroom had in fact been cleaned and fresh towels were on the rails as Olivia sat down on the small stool and indicated for Alex to sit on the edge of the bath tub. Olivia gathered Alex's hands in her own, "I'm ready for you to see the scars on my back. With me being discharged now, and Kelly going to work tomorrow, you might need to change some of the dressings for me. So now is probably the easiest time for to see how bad it is... but on one condition."

Alex nodded her head in understanding, "Ok."

"As you know he cut and burned me... a lot... but p _lease_  don't ask any questions about what you actually see. You know I'll tell you eventually, but I'm not ready to explain everything... just yet."

Alex reassured the brunette with a caress to her cheek, "It's your pace, Liv."

Olivia opened the door, allowing Kelly to reenter the bathroom. Kelly made Alex wash her hands and put a pair of latex gloves on while she did the same, "Alright Olivia, we'll start with your hands, like usual."

Unwrapping the lighter gauze bandage, Alex saw Kelly reveal the large X shape burn criss crossing the palms and reverse of Olivia hands for the first time. The doctor commented that they were healing well, but the palm burns would take a little longer to heal than the backs of her hands. Kelly applied some antiseptic cream to the burns before placing some wound dressings, then bandaged Olivia's hand in fresh gauze bandages.

"Ready for the next stage? We do the same as previous times, arms first... then back?" Kelly asked.

"Yeah, thanks." Olivia confirmed.

Having Kelly untie the recently modified long sleeve chambray shirt at the back, Olivia decided it would be easier to remove the shirt completely rather than try and preserve her modesty. Alex had seen her naked before, and Kelly had on more than one occasion since being admitted to the Winthrop Medical Centre. Alex could still only imagine Liv's back for the moment as there were large wound dressings covering each shoulder blade. Alex noted that Olivia's breasts hadn't gone unscathed either, but they were nowhere near as bad as her stomach or arms. There were a couple of cigarette burns just below her neckline above each swell of her breast, and a number of small little cuts probably no longer than an inch or two, scattered here and there, but most were healing pink scars. Nothing recent.

Ever the professional, Kelly talked Alex through what she was doing as she changed the few remaining dressings on Olivia's arms. A hint of uneasiness flashed across Alex's face when she saw the question mark burns on Liv's biceps for the first time, but as promised, she kept quiet. Alex remembered seeing Vanessa having the same scar on her bicep too with one still covered at the time. Olivia gave Alex a small reassuring smile, she had lived through what Lewis Williams had done to her body and accepted  _what_  had happened, but the  _why_  he had was still emotionally raw. It also still tormented her that those cuts and burns on her breasts were done while she was unconscious. Violating her body and privacy while she was at her most vulnerable. If he did that, what else would he have done?

Alex was trying her best to school her emotions as she saw the haphazard large cuts littering Olivia's tanned back. It was nothing like the pristine back she had licked, bit and marked the morning of the Connors trial.

"You know the drill, let me know if any of these hurt." Kelly said, beginning to remove the wound dressing on Olivia's left shoulder.

"Just the one on the right side is still tender, as usual."

"I still want you to complete those antibiotics I prescribed to kill of any possibility of infection. As bad as it sounds, the salt helped but I want to be sure."

Olivia glanced up and saw Alex's expression at the revealing of the row of 4 question mark burns. Pain would be the best description. Alex knew more than Olivia had intended to reveal at this point in time thanks to Vanessa talking when they reunited for the first time since the cabin on Thursday, the detective just hoped Alex wouldn't make to connection now.

"I'll put waterproof dressings on these tonight so you can shower in the morning. But in all honestly, I think we might be able to leave these uncovered in a day or so, they're healing really well. The upper burns are starting to scab over, it's the lower burns that need a couple more days though seeing they have a larger surface area," Kelly explained aloud. She didn't refer to the burns as 'question marks' or 'cigarette burns' as per Olivia's request, it was easier to distinguish these as upper and lower burns.

A sharp inhaled breath of shock escaped from Alex as the wound dressing was removed from Olivia's right scapula, now fully aware of the extent of her back injuries. Olivia was right, it wasn't pretty.

Liv reached out and gave Alex's latex clad hand a gentle reassuring squeeze, "It's ok sweetie. He burned me with my own badge, twice. The first time it was... after I threatened to bite he penis off... the second time was for a different reason," she vaguely explained. Alex wanted to ask why he burned her a second time, but respected Liv's wish not to ask.

As she applied the large waterproof bandage to Olivia's right scapula, Kelly agreed that the Vitamin E cream Alex said she had applied to some of Olivia's scars on her arms would help over time.

"All done. Any of the dressings too tight?" Kelly asked, tossing her latex gloves in the waste basket near the sink on top of all the old wound dressings. Alex removed her gloves, tossing them in the basket too.

"No, they're fine. Thankyou Kelly."

Kelly gathered up the half full bag from the waste basket and tied it closed. "Alright, I'll get rid of all this and leave you ladies alone."

Olivia could see Alex was emotionally hurting after seeing the aftermath of what Lewis Williams had brutally done to her back, in addition to what she had already seen. She pulled Alex into her arms to comfort the blonde, not at all bothered that she was still naked from the waist up at that moment.

"He hurt you so much." Alex whimpered, trying valiantly not to cry but a few stray tears betrayed her.

"Yes, he did. But he didn't hurt  _you_ Alex...  _that_  was so much more important to me. I didn't care what he did to me, as long I kept you safe and protected from  _him_... as long as he couldn't and didn't hurt you, that's all I cared about sweetheart."

* * *

Olivia flushed the toilet, washed her hands and exited the bathroom dressed in a new shorter hospital gown, split scrub pants and a night splint for her sock clad left foot Alex had helped her put on earlier. She wanted to be in her own sleep clothes now, but with the splint on her foot, the possibility of her wounds opening up and still being unable to move her arms as freely as she liked to slip on her pyjama shirt, it was easier to just wear the hospital clothes a bit longer. As she reentered the guest bedroom, Alex was sitting on the end of the bed in her camisole and panties, applying the Cocoa Butter cream to the numerous scars on her thighs having already applied it to her shoulder scar. Alex looked up and saw the unmistakable look on Liv's face.

Alex whispered, "Stop that."

"Stop what?"

"I can see it in your face that you're blaming yourself for these now you've finally seen them. Please don't do that."

"Alex, I  _should've_  been there for you!"

"And we both know you  _would've_  been, if you'd known at the time! We've been over this before Liv. I'm not that person any more and I'm not in that dark place any more. Please don't try and blame yourself for what I did. I forgave myself a long time ago, and I want you to forgive yourself." Alex stood up and slipped into her sleep shorts, before exiting the bedroom for the bathroom she added, " _Please_  forgive yourself for me."

Olivia realised she was doing what she didn't want Alex to do with her own scars on her back. She didn't want the ADA to somehow blame herself for the scars she'd been inflicted with by Lewis Williams, especially the ones the Beast had inflicted relentlessly trying to find out who 'Alex' was. Yet she was blaming herself for Alex's scars. The word 'hypocrite' sprang to mind.

Alex returned a few minutes later from the bathroom, placing her glasses on the dressing table.

"I'm sorry Alex. It's just hurts here, you know?" Olivia indicated her heart. "But I guess you were going through that same pain when you saw mine just before?"

Alex nodded in agreement as she wrapped her arms around Olivia, holding her in a loving embrace. Liv studied Alex's face as they stood there holding each other. Something had been weighing on the brunette's mind for a while now, "I want to give you something I haven't given you for some time now."

"What's that?"

"I want to kiss you."

Laughing lightly, Alex caressed Olivia's cheek. "Liv, we've kissed a few times now. Have you forgotten?"

"No, I haven't forgotten. It's just each time we've kissed,  _you've_  initiated it or I've asked  _you_ to kiss  _me_.  _I_  haven't kissed  _you_ , because..." Olivia took a deep breath, " ... because I've actually been scared to initiate something like that. I know it's silly... it's just a kiss after all, and I've  _never_  been afraid to kiss someone that I love, but with everything that's happened... I need to do things like that in my own time. I actually imagined this night, we'd be making love to each other over and over again. I guess it'll be a while before  _that_  happens."

"It doesn't worry me how long it takes. If it's months or even years-"

"Years? That's  _not_  an option."

" _However_  long it takes, Olivia. Don't push yourself to do something when you're not ready to do it. It'll do more harm than good."

"But what about you... your needs?"

"Would you consider it cheating if I said I still see Jack, Dil and Vi from time to time? Or if I do see them?"

"No, of course not!"

"Then my needs are nothing to worry about, ok? As long as I can hold you, kiss you, tell you I love you, go to sleep in the same bed as you every night, and wake up beside you every morning, then I'll be the happiest woman in the world. The rest will happen when it happens, alright?" Alex pressed a kiss to Olivia's forehead, then rested her own forehead against Olivia's.

"Thankyou for understanding. I'm not sure if I was with someone else that they'd understand like you do." Liv murmured. "I-I'd like to kiss you now."

"I like the sound of that."

Olivia cradled Alex's cheeks with her lightly bandaged hands and slowly leant in. Allowing Olivia the one to be in control, Alex rested her hands around the brunette's waist. Alex could feel the tiny, hesitant tremble in Liv's body just before the detective pressed her lips to the blonde's. The tremble faded away as their mouthes slid together and their tongues lightly touched, once again languidly and lazily becoming familiar. Olivia wanted more than anything to move her hand down and stroke Alex's abdomen, wanting to feel it quiver under her hands. But she knew what that did to Alex, so she made a conscious effort to keep her hands on Alex's face, relearning how soft and supple her skin was, committing the contours of her jaw and cheekbones to memory. As the kiss finally ended, Olivia pulled back and a smile crept on to her face.

Alex was breathless, "If you kiss me like that all the time Olivia Benson, I'll be an even happier woman."

Olivia blushed, "I'll be certain to keep that in mind."

Turning down the bedsheets and hopping under the covers, Alex scooted over to the right side of the bed.

"You're on the wrong side, Alex. That's the side I slept on last time, remember?"

Sitting up in bed Alex explained, "I remember. But I don't want to hurt you or your foot, so I thought you should sleep on the left side seeing it's your left foot that's injured and you have to wear the night splint. If you slept on  _this_  side, you'd get tangled up in the linen. At least on the left side you can stick your foot out and have it raised, like you're  _supposed_  to."

"But I want to hold you just like I held you in the motel." Olivia knew she sounded whiny, but she didn't care. She had been wanting and waiting to spoon behind Alex for so long as they fell asleep together.

"I want you to hold me like that just as much as you do, and maybe even hold  _you_  the same way... but I think it might be a good idea to do it this way. As soon as your foot's healed we'll swap back, I promise. I'll still snuggle up next to you on your right side as long as it doesn't hurt your shoulder."

"Whatever pain it causes, it'll be worth having you in my arms again."

"Are you sure?"

"Positive."

Olivia got into bed on the left side, making sure her left foot was raised and not impeded by the bed linen before moving her right arm gingerly then resting it along Alex's back so Alex could snuggle up against her like. She gently kissed Alex's forehead, "I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too, Liv." She snuggled closer, "Thankyou for saving my life 10 years ago... and thankyou so much for making today a much better memory than it's ever been in the past. Can we say same time next year?"

"It's a date."

As Alex closed her eyes, she was glad that there had been no hint of insecurity in Olivia's voice today. Whatever nightmares had been tormenting her the last few nights hadn't taken over this morning. Perhaps Olivia was starting to heal? Alex hoped that was the case.

As Olivia closed her eyes, she hoped that the blonde snuggled up against her would help her sleep soundly, and that her dreams wouldn't become nightmares like they had been.

Only time would tell.

_**When the friends are gone,** _   
_**When the party's over,** _   
_**We will still belong to each other.** _   
_**Underneath your clothes,** _   
**_There's an endless story..._  ~ Shakira (Underneath Your Clothes)**


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this particular chapter will be a rollercoaster ride of emotions for everyone involved. It's been a LONG TIME coming from the initial revelation back in chapter 16. All I ask is: please don't hurt me... *hunkers down in the corner, waiting for the wrath to descend*

**_We sweat, laugh and scream here,_**  
**_'Cause life is just a dream here._**  
**_You know inside you feel right at home, here._**  
**_Welcome to my breakdown... Whoa!_**  
**_You're welcome to my nightmare... Yeah! ~_ Alice Cooper (Welcome To My Nightmare)**

He was quiet.

Eerily quiet.

Too quiet.

Olivia, her arms handcuffed behind her back and tied to the low back chair when the torture started, struggled as Lewis Williams slowly unbuttoned the shirt she was wearing from the bottom upwards, stopping just below her breasts to part the material to either side, exposing her slightly swollen stomach. Her modesty preserved by a pair of satin boxer short, but her legs were splayed open, each tied to a leg of the chair. Kneeling down between her legs, Lewis's rough, burnt fingertips lovingly caressed the cigarette pockmarked and cut scarred tan skin of her torso.

It made her skin crawl when he pressed a featherlight kiss to her stomach. Liv was so vulnerable right now, but in some respects at least she wasn't drugged. Although, Lewis had always made sure she was awake for the torture. She attempted to distract him from continuing any further, "Aren't you going to ask me to say 'the words'? You usually do right about now."

"No need to...  _now,_ " Lewis whispered, nuzzling his 5 day growth stubbled cheek and chin against her stomach like a kitten, "You look so...  _radiant_ , Detective Benson... or should I say,  _Mommy_?"

"I'm not pregnant! And  _this_... this is just a  _really_  bad dream."

"Oh Detective, You're right, this... right here, right now...  _is_  a dream, or it could be a nightmare. We both know I  _AM_  your  _worst_  nightmare! And you can deny it all you want, but you  _are_  pregnant. Don't you remember?" He placed both hands on either side of her stomach and waited, his eyes closed in patient concentration. He inhaled sharply with a hint of pride, as Olivia gasped in shock when the baby moved, "Ah! See! Baby's active today."

All the recent memories began flooding back to Olivia. Alex: safe, Brain: deceased, cabin: torture, Vanessa: raped, Melanie: rescuer, Kelly: baby, Alan: shooter, Lewis: dead.

"You're DEAD, Lewis. You were shot  _dead_."

Lewis looked up at her with innocent eyes, "And yet, here I am, Detective! Looks like I live on, in  _more_  than one way. I live inside you now! I live on in your head..." He reached up and touched her forehead.

"... I live on in your womb..." His fingertips skated across her stomach.

"... I live on in your baby!" He nuzzled his stubbly cheek against her stomach once again. Lewis stood up, straddled then sat on her splayed open thighs, the large bulge in his trousers clearly visible.

Olivia attempted to reel back at the invasion of personal space, "GET OFF!"

"Oh, I  _am_ and _will_! I'm getting...  _harder_... every passing moment. You always get me this  _hard_  when you're handcuffed like you are. You and me had a lot of...  _intimate_... moments in this chair. Maybe it's  _this_  very chair that you conceived in?"

He ran his burnt fingertips down her cheek, then the back of his knuckles as Olivia struggled to avoid his vile, unwanted touch. He leant in close to the right side of her face, his breath tickling her skin, his lips brushing the shell of her ear, "That's right, Mommy...  _My_  baby!"

He pulled back and leant in again on the left side of her face, his words clearly meant to taunt, " _My_  baby!"

He pulled back again and stared directly at her, " _Mine_! It's  _my_ baby you're carrying... or should I say  _our_  baby?  _Our_  baby!  _Our_  beautiful bundle of joy! I hope it's a son! You can name him after me... Lewis Williams the Second, now  _that_  has a lovely ring to it. Maybe his middle name can be Lucifer? I was always known as being a devil child when  _I_  was a little boy. I'm sure  _our_  baby will be too... considering the wonderful mix of genes from  _Mommy_ and  _Daddy_!"

"Brian could be the father!"

He roared with laughter, "Brian?! You fucked him  _once_! The night before  _I_  shot him, remember! You and  _me_  on the other hand...  _so_...  _many_...  _times_! Shame you weren't awake for  _any_  of it. But you know what?  _We_  could change that right  _now_...  _we_  could have a little bit of  _fun_... a little bit of  _sexy_  time..." Lewis dragged his finger lazily up her torso, teasingly unbuttoning the button just below her breasts with practiced ease.

"NO! DON'T YOU TOUCH ME!" protesting with a vicious snarl, Olivia hopelessly struggled to avoid him disrobing her even further.

"Or what?" He trailed his scarred finger back down, skimming it along just inside the elastic at the top of the satin boxer shorts. "What are  _you_  going to do? You're all tied up. Maybe I'll  _finally_  find out if you're a screamer when you come?"

Lewis reluctantly removed his finger from the boxer short band. He cradled her face in both his hands, slowly and forcibly turning her head to one side, exposing the chorded column of her neck. Extending his tongue, he lazily dragged it broadly up the length of her neck, allowing a groan of perverse desire to rumble in his throat, just missing that special spot near Liv's ear. He let Olivia's head go, grinning like the Cheshire Cat when they made eye contact again.

"FUCK YOU!" Olivia spat venomously through gritted teeth.

Lewis retorted with glee, "You first, Detective!"

"Olivia?" Alex's voice cut through the darkness of the cellar.

His eyes widened in excitement, "Ah! Perfect timing! Maybe I'll say hello to Alex? I know  _all_  about Alex now... and you'd do  _anything_  to protect her!"

"YOU LEAVE HER ALONE!"

"But she's a  _guest_ , Detective Benson. We both know how well I treat my guests! Maybe Alex and I can get to know each other, just like me and Vanessa did upstairs? I think I'd end up hurting Alex though... you and I both know I  _really_  enjoyed making Vanessa scream  _so_  much! Some bruises will look even more colourful on Alex's pale skin! Maybe some pretty purple on her... _inner thighs_?" Lewis, still straddling Liv's thighs, reached out in the surrounding darkness and dragged Alex into the surrounding dim light.

"Olivia!" Alex tried to struggle away from the Beast's grasp, but she was handcuffed behind her back and dressed similarly to Olivia.

"ALEX!"

Lewis chuckled heartily as he stood up, "Now... what are you going to  _do_ , Detective Benson? Protect your  _precious_  Alex... or protect yourself?"

Olivia knew she had to and would protect Alex at all costs. She choked out the words as she fought to remain calm, " _PLEASE_... _DON'T_ hurt her _..._ I'll do  _anything... ANYTHING_ you want _._ "

A cruel, salacious smile fixed on Lewis's face as Alex melted back in to the darkened background. "You're damn right you will!" Lewis replied, tearing the shirt and boxers from Olivia's body.

Completely naked and completely vulnerable.

Lewis unbuckled his belt, unzipped his fly and began to slide down his trousers and boxer briefs. He licked his lips predatorily as he loomed closer, "Fun times ahead!"

" _GET AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOO!_ "

* * *

"Olivia..." Alex whispered as she sat up, trying to placate the brunette clearly stuck in a nightmare. The ADA whispered again, hoping to slowly rouse Liv from her distressed slumber, "... Olivia."

"...  _Alex_... ... _please_... ... _don't_... ... _anything_... GET AWAY FROM ME! NOOOOOO!" Olivia's eyes were wild with terror as she startled awake, jerkily sweeping around the room lit by the bedside lamp. She wasn't in the cellar, she was in the guest bedroom of the Leonards, Alex right beside her in the bed.

Alex gave Olivia's hand a light reassuring squeeze as she pressed a soft kiss to Olivia's forehead, "It's ok.  _I'm_  here...  _you're_  here... we're  _both_  safe. Nothing happened to either of us. It was all a very bad dream."

Olivia pulled Alex closer, needing to physically reconfirm in her own mind that this, here and now, was indeed was real life and not still the nightmare. "I love you, so much."

"I love you too," Alex could feel Olivia's chest expanding as she took deep breaths to calm herself.

"Alex? Something... something's wrong...  _very_   _wrong_..." Olivia was now panicking at the wetness she could feel beneath her on the bed, "... The baby... I think I'm losing the baby!"

Bile rose from Alex's stomach at that statement as drew back the bed linen, bracing herself as she feared the worst, expecting to see blood on the sheets and on Olivia's modified scrub pants. "Let's get you to the bathroom, you only wet the bed."

"Wet the bed?" Olivia was mortified, yet her voice quiet.

Alex scrambled out of bed, helping Liv to her feet. "Yes, that's all. Don't worry about it."

Switching on the bathroom light, then closing the door, Alex untied the bows of the hospital gown, "You hop out of those clothes and have a quick shower. I'll be back-"

Olivia didn't make an effort to move. Her eyes were distant, hollow.

"Liv, listen to me. Liv?" Alex waited until Olivia made eye contact, "I'm going to help get you out of these clothes, you're going to have a quick shower and I'll be back with fresh clothes by time you're finished, alright?"

Giving Alex a minute nod of her head, Olivia allowed Alex to undress her, then lead her towards the shower. "Can you take the night splint off?"

Liv nodded, "Yeah."

"Alright then, I'll be back in a moment."

Alex gathered Olivia's bed clothes, returning to the bedroom and stripped the bed linen with practiced ease. This wasn't the first time in her life she'd changed wet sheets in the middle of the night. She was relieved to see there was a mattress protector underneath. Even if Olivia had ruined the mattress, Alex would have no hesitation replacing it for the Leonards. The ADA was met by Melanie as she left the guest bedroom, sheets and clothes in her arms. "Sorry to have woken you, Mel."

"I wasn't asleep, I'm the night owl of the house. I heard the noise though. Is everything alright?"

Alex sighed heavily, "Olivia had a nightmare, and unfortunately she accidentally wet the bed. If you can let me know where the spare linen-"

Melanie look the soiled sheets and clothes from Alex's arms, "You go to Olivia, I'll change the bed for you and put these in the washing machine. Having 5 nephews and a niece, it's not the first time. If you need  _any_  help, please don't hesitate to ask. I'll be back in the office doing some long overdue financial paperwork."

"Thankyou."

Alex returned with a fresh set of bed clothes, remembering to knock lightly on the door so's not to startle Olivia before entering. Pushing the door open, the bathroom now shrouded in darkness excluding the soft light being cast around the room from the overhead mirror light. She switched the bathroom light back on, "Liv?"

"Turn it off," came the barely audible request from the shower as soon as the lights flickered on. The night splint was just outside the shower, tipped over on the bathmat.

Switching the light back off, Alex was worried. Through the shower glass, she saw Olivia on the floor in the shower, naked. The brunette was huddled in the corner away from the faucets, the water from the shower head was flowing at a bare trickle. Her short brown hair was plastered to her head, thoroughly wet. Her back against one wall, her left leg extended out in front of her. The right side of her body was pressed up against the other tiled wall, the right side of her forehead leaning on the tiles and just her left index finger repeticiously running up and down along the length of a tile grout line a few inches in front of her face.

Trance like.

Up... pause... down... pause... up... pause... down... pause.

Alex feared Olivia had lost her balance with her left foot being fractured, "Did you slip or fall over?"

"Slid down the wall by myself." Olivia spoke quietly as Alex grabbed the towels off the rack and turned the faucet off.

"Are you injured?" Alex crouched down and wrapped the large fluffy towel around Liv's body.

"No... but... I think I'm broken, Alex. I feel like I'm  _so_  messed up right now."

"You're not broken. Far from it. You've been through so much, especially these last few days. All the stress of everything that's happened to you in the cabin... the IAB and Major Case interviews... the anniversary... finding out about the GHB... the baby... now having to wait for the results."

"No need to wait, Lewis's the father. He told me."

Alex was puzzled at that statement, Lewis Williams was dead. "What? Just before?" she questioned, indicating the bedroom.

"Uh-huh."

"You and I both know we deal with facts and evidence. I think I'll take factual medical results over silly dreams that seem real each and every time."

Liv's thoughts were somewhat disjointed from lack of sleep and the adrenalin fuelled panic from the nightmare, so she spoke slowly, needing to get something out in the open. "You 'member earlier... when I said he burned me twice... I said I'd bite his penis off... he'd... he threatened to orally rape me... just like Lowell Harris... I couldn't allow that to happen... so I threatened him... he didn't like that... he wanted  _the words_  then... all he  _ever_ wanted in the beginning was for me to say  _the words_...  _Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want_... I  _never_  said the words...  _never_... but just now... he was going to hurt you... so I said the words to stop him from hurting you... why did I say them?... I  _never_  said the words in all the time we were in the cellar though... I wouldn't... maybe... maybe I should've?"

"No." Alex shook her head.

"Maybe I should've said what he wanted to hear all along?"

"No, you did the  _right_  thing, Liv. I'm so proud of you, you didn't give him the control he wanted."

"It feels like he's trying to control me now... he's in my head. He won't leave me alone."

"Just a  _figment_  of him is in your head trying to taunt and upset you. He's  _not_  real, Lewis is  _dead_. You're certainly  _not_  crazy and you're definitely  _not_  broken. We both know that rape isn't just about the physical act, it's about control and power. I understand you don't remember if he did physically, but you know you  _didn't_  give him the control or power over you.  _You_  were in control for as much as you were able to be."

"Maybe I should've just said the words and none of this would be happening now... he would've had his way with me and left you well alone... maybe he would've not wanted to know about you if I'd just said the words?"

Having been through denial before the ultrasound and anger afterwards, Olivia Benson was hovering around another stage of grief: bargaining.

"And if you'd said those words, how do you know he still wouldn't have wanted to know about me? Who Alex was?"

Olivia shrugged and fell silent. She moved her finger away from the wall and began to rub one of her wrists to rid herself of the ghost of the handcuffs. Alex moved Olivia head away from the tiles to rest it on Alex's right shoulder, lightly caressing Olivia's face to comfort her. They stayed like that for a time as calm eventually washed over Olivia.

Alex reasoned, "He could've hurt you even more if you'd said those words he wanted. And if you'd told him about me, he may have even been worse. More sadistic, more vicious, more violent."

"I shouldn't gone to my apartment... I-I should've gone to your office and taken you out to dinner... none of this would've happened if I hadn't gone to my apartment. We'd be in Paris, making love. Instead, we're in Maine, on the floor of a shower because I can't control my bladder or my subconscious."

"You can't blame anyone but Lewis. He likely still would've shot and killed Brian, and probably even Vanessa too. He could've gone after Amanda, or someone just as innocent as Alice Parker. We can't change what happened, but we can try and deal with the aftermath."

Liv's eyes darted up to the right to look at Alex for a second, "I still can't believe I wet the bed."

"You're talking to an old pro, remember? Almost every night until I was 8."

"I'm in my  _forties_!" Olivia hissed lowly.

"And I'll bet that it's only happened because of stress... and the  _nightmares_." Alex gave Liv a pointed look.

Olivia looked away in shame, "I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the nightmares, I... I didn't want to worry you! They didn't happen when I knew you were with me, and I thought... I thought they'd stop by now when we were in the same bed together. I promised not to shut you out, and I did. I'm really sorry, I won't do it again. Will you forgive me?"

"Of course I forgive you. The nightmares, they don't ever really stop, but they become less frequent over time." Alex explained, "I had them quite a lot after the shooting initially, and slowly they lessened in frequency. But after my breakdown, they returned for a while. Nowadays, just every once in a while. To be honest with you, I had some nightmares while you were gone... and I wet the bed a couple of times after the shooting."

"You're not going to tell anyone that I did, are you?"

"I wouldn't if we had been alone, but Melanie heard-"

"Oh geez! You told Mel?!"

"Liv, she heard you scream out and saw the linen in my arms.  _She_  didn't make a fuss about it, and  _I'm_  not going to either." Alex brushed the wet hair back off Olivia's forehead. The blonde could see Liv was starting to shiver from the coolness in the air, "Now, I don't know about  _you_ , but my ass is getting cold here. How about we get you dried off, dressed into some clothes and back in to bed?"

"I... ahh... I don't know... if I can get back up."

Alex rose to her feet, grabbed a towelling robe of the hook behind the door and helped Olivia put her arms in the sleeves, being careful not to injure Liv's shoulders. "I don't want to hurt you any further trying to get you up off the floor with your fractured foot. Do you mind if I get Melanie to help? I won't if you're too uncomfortable, though."

Olivia nodded her head, as she tied the robe in place, "Please."

"I'll be back," Alex pressed a soft kiss to Olivia's forehead. She returned a short while later with Mel, again giving a knock to the door before entering. Without fuss or fanfare, both blondes helped the SVU detective up off the floor of the shower and on to the bathroom stool.

"Sorry about... everything." Liv apologised to the Sheriff, indicating the shower then pointing towards the guest bedroom.

"Olivia, I probably understand a little more than you think I do. It's not the first time I've picked up a woman from the bathroom floor of  _Château de Léonard_." Mel could see the confused looks from the New York house guests as she gathered some fresh gauze bandages, dressings and latex gloves from the medicine cabinet. " _Please_  don't say anything to her, because she'll deny it until the day she dies... but I've picked Kelly up off the bathroom floor on more than one occasion over the years. Sometimes it's after a patient that she's gotten close to that passes away, but usually it's after a young child or baby that she hadn't been able to save..."

Alex and Olivia shared a look, they both knew how difficult the SVU cases were that involved children. With their own scare just moments earlier regarding Olivia's baby, it hit close to home in more ways than one.

Mel continued, unwrapping the damp bandages from Liv's hands while she sat opposite Olivia on the edge of the bathtub. "... The last time was after she returned from Haiti with the MSF team."

"MSF?" Olivia prompted as Mel began to redress the burns on Liv's hands.

" _Médecins Sans Frontières_... Doctors without Borders. What Kel saw after the earthquake in Haiti, she said the images on the news were  _nothing_  compared to the reality. About 2 weeks after she returned from her stint there, I found her on the bathroom floor of our old house in Augusta, just... sobbing her heart out. She was finally dealing with the horrors she saw while she was there. I just held her for over 2 hours before she finally fell asleep then I carried her to bed. We all like to think we're Superwomen, and not be seem as weak or damsels in distress... but, when it comes down to it, we're all just human."

" _That_ , we certainly are." Alex agreed.

What Melanie hadn't said to either Olivia or Alex was Kelly had really broken down after revealing that after a day of amputating limbs from several survivors, it was when a Haitian baby boy, no more than a year old, that had been found several days in the rubble after the earthquake, had died in her arms in the makeshift hospital from severe trauma no less than half an hour after arriving.

"Now Detective, you let Alex help you get dressed once I've rewrapped your other hand. Then, I'm going to go to bed and hold my wife, I suggest you let Alex do the same to you tonight."

Alex gave Liv a small smile as the detective spoke, "You seem to know what you're doing here, Sheriff. Kelly's given you lessons?"

"The wife has made sure I know a decent amount of medical stuff over the years, and with 5 nephews and a niece that are as rough and tumble as kids can get... I'm sure you get the idea. It's the Zimmerley in them." Mel said with a wink. "Brad and I were just as bad when we were kids."

Once Melanie finished rewrapping Olivia's hand and bid both SVU members goodnight, Alex assisted Olivia in to fresh bed clothes, the night splint and towel drying her hair.

Olivia asked as she settled back on to the left side of the bed, "What if it happens again? Wetting the bed, I mean?"

"If it happens, it happens. I'll change the sheets and we do the same again. But next time, please don't slide down on the floor. I don't think I have the physique to pick you up while your foot's fractured." Alex hopped in to bed on the right side. Propped up against the bed headboard and pillows, Alex indicated for Olivia to sit forward then settle back on the left side of her torso, interlocking fingers together effectively mirroring how they had sat during the picnic earlier in the day.

Liv said with a light laugh, "Aww, so you won't carry me over the threshold?"

"No, you'll do that to me."

"What, no smart retorts about me not having proposed yet."

Alex shrugged and closed her eyes, "Why should there be? You've already done that. Now try and go to sleep."

"What?!"

"Go to sleep."

"But-"

"Sleep, Olivia."

Olivia knew she had  _never_  proposed in reality. She had proposed several times in her dreams over the years, but that's all. Maybe one day the dream would become reality, but that was in the future. Liv raised their entwined fingers and pressed a kiss to her ring that was snugly on Alex's left ring finger. The quiet was broken by Alex humming a familiar tune.

Liv whispered with a smile, "You're humming the Mr Softee song."

"I did quite a lot when I was in Wit Sec when I was homesick."

"I hummed it in the cabin... to remember you."

"That's what I meant when I said I was homesick, Liv... I was homesick for  _you_."

Closing her eyes, Olivia joined Alex in humming the tune about the creamiest, dreamiest soft ice cream. The blonde continued the hum the jingle, rocking ever so slightly from side to side as Olivia eventually drifted off to sleep in Alex's arms.

* * *

"Alex, can we just stay here instead? I really don't feel like doing very much today." Olivia asked after a later than usual breakfast. They had intended to have a look around Winthrop and go to Augusta to buy some more clothes. Olivia has slept peacefully for the rest of the evening after the nightmare last night, but was still a little emotionally raw from what had transpired.

"We can do whatever you want. You know, Mel and Kelly have a lovely deck outside, we can sit out there in the warmth like we did yesterday at Narrows Pond."

The doorbell broke their secluded bubble just after lunch. Alex returned to the deck, placing the vase of Mixed Zinnias on the table next to the deck lounge, then pressed a kiss to Olivia's lips as she rejoined the brunette on the same deck lounge they had been sharing.

"What are these for? We've already whittled down the other flowers from everyone else's bunches."

The blonde explained, "Today's Monday. I always put a fresh bunch of them on your desk each and every Monday morning while you were gone. Even though you've been found, it still felt like the right thing to do. There will be a fresh bunch on your desk at SVU too."

Olivia pulled Alex closer, "I love you, have I told you that?"

"Once or twice, but I like hearing you say it."

"I like hearing you say it too."

"Well then... I love you."

* * *

Kelly rounded the corner near her office, her head down carefully perusing a new patient's blood results, and collided heavily with another woman. It was her old work colleague, Doctor Andrea Smith.

"Shit! Oh, Andrea I'm  _really_  sorry!"

"No harm, no foul, Kelly."

"What are you doing here? Did you get lost travelling to Augusta General this morning?"

"Oh, har har! No, I have the results for that kidnap patient of yours." Doctor Smith indicated the medical folder under her arm.

"I wasn't expecting those until tomorrow at the earliest. I was actually expecting them more towards Thursday or Friday," the salt and pepper haired woman remarked as both doctors made their way to Kelly's office.

"I made them top priority, just for you. And I decided to deliver them personally so that if the patient wants to keep the baby, I can do a new ultrasound to see if the baby has grown any seeing I'd class the baby as small. Or if the patient doesn't want to keep the baby, I can let her know what options she has. Is she still here at the Medical Centre?"

"No, discharged on Sunday morning. But she's staying with Melanie and myself, so I'll make a phone call. Take a seat."

* * *

"Olivia?" Alex called out as she approached the deck, slipping her phone back in to her jeans pocket. "Liv?"

"Mmm?" Olivia made a confirming noise as she sipped her mug of tea. Monday night had been a fitful and restless night for Olivia, but was grateful she hadn't wet the bed like the previous evening. Thankfully she hadn't screamed out in sheer terror, but she had startled awake in panic a few times during the night and Alex had calmed and reassured her each and every time.

"That was Kelly on the phone. We have to go to the hospital."

"Why? Is it Vanessa? I still don't think she's been discharged yet."

"No, not Vanessa, but we can find out about her while we're there. It's actually to do with you. The OBGYN's there with the results of the amnio tests."

Olivia was stunned, today was only Tuesday, October 1st. Today was also the 10 year anniversary of Olivia finding out that Alex wasn't dead; hadn't bled out on the operating table from the gun shot wound to the right shoulder, nicking her Subclavian artery an hour after being shot; she was in fact alive, and had in fact been squirrelled away in the Witness Protection Program. Liv just hoped that today would bring the same joyous news it had 10 years earlier, she just hoped that Brian Cassidy was the father of the baby.

"Paternity results?"

"And the health of the baby."

Olivia looked over at Alex as she locked the door to the Leonards house, "I want you to know, I think that no matter what... I'm pretty sure I'm going to have the baby. Are you alright with that?"

Alex took Olivia's hand in her own and gave it a gentle reassuring squeeze as they made their way to Alex's Prius, "More than alright. You'll make a wonderful, loving and caring Mommy."

* * *

Doctor Andrea Smith closed the door of the exam room and opened the medical folder on the desk, "Would you like me to tell you the results? Or would you like to read them for yourself?"

"I'd like to read them. Well, one in particular. The paternity test, if that's alright?"

Doctor Smith double checked the information, then passed the envelope containing the paternity results to Olivia.

Flipping the envelope over, preparing to tear it open, Olivia suddenly stopped. She tapped the envelope in her hand as she thought, then passed the envelope to Alex.

"I-I want  _you_  to tell me. I want  _you_  to read it and tell me who. And before you say anything Doctor, Alex is a medical proxy of mine, so she  _can_  see these results."

"Are you sure, Liv?" Alex was hesitant. She had an inkling that Liv still didn't trust doctors words, especially today.

"You're the  _only_  one I trust, Alex." Olivia confirmed, knowing everything truly hinged on these results.

"I realise this is a very personal moment, so I'll let you ladies have some privacy," the OBGYN said with a smile and exited the room.

This was it, the moment of truth.

Sliding a finger underneath the flap, Alex tore open the envelope and pulled out 2 folded pieces of paper. Unfolding them, she scanned down to the table results and read carefully that these were the paternity results for Lewis Williams. She then flipped to the next page to study the results that pertained to Brian Cassidy. Alex flipped back to the first page for Lewis, then again to the page for Brian. Swallowing, she gave a single nod of her head to indicate that she understood and knew who the father was. Alex folded both pieces of paper back up and slipped them back in the envelope, her face unreadable until a tear slid down her cheek. She wrapped her arms around Olivia and began to cry silently. Alex's demeanour was all Olivia needed to know who the father was.

"NOOOOOO! It's Lewis, isn't it? Lewis Williams is the father!" Olivia whimpered as her face twisted in emotional distress and felt her legs go from under her. Just like Vanessa Meyer, she's been raped by the Beast, and the baby was the proof. The nightmare was becoming reality. His taunting words echoed in her mind as she felt the baby moved suddenly.

 _His_  baby.

 _Their_  baby.

Alex tightened her arms around Olivia, steadying the detective and said one word so quietly that Liv barely heard it, "Brian."

Liv was confused as she hiccuped a sob, "Huh?"

Alex looked directly at Olivia as she wiped away a tear from Olivia's cheek with her thumb, "Brian."

"What are you saying?"

"99.98% probability of paternity. Brian."

"And Lewis?"

"0% probability of paternity. Excluded."

"A-are you saying Brian?"

"Brian."

"Then  _why_  are you crying?!  _Why_  did you start to cry?!" Olivia asked, more tears sliding down her cheeks. "I was sure-"

"Relief? Overwhelming happiness?  _Why_  did you jump to the conclusion before I told you? How many times have I told you  _not_  to do that before we know the facts and evidence? Come here my very silly, but beautiful, conclusion jumping detective."

They clung to each other in the medical examination room as if they were the only people in the world at the confirmation of the baby's paternity. Brian Cassidy was indeed the father of Olivia Benson's baby.

"Liv... you're going to be a Mommy."

"No." Olivia shook her head, "No, I'm  _not_  gonna be a Mommy."

Alex's heart immediately sank to the pit of her stomach at the unexpected response, "What?! Why?! Brian's the father!"

"I've decided I'm  _not_ gonna be a Mommy..." Olivia spoke so quietly only Alex could hear her, "... I'm really sorry sweetheart, but I've decided... w _e're..._  going to be Mommies."

"You... you..."

"Don't  _ever_  jump to conclusions, Councellor." Olivia was about to smirk but stopped when she saw Alex crying. "Oh sweetheart, I didn't mean to upset you!"

Alex brushed away another tear, "It's not that. You want  _me_  to be a Mommy to the baby, too?"

"Of course I do! Why would you think otherwise?"

"I just didn't want to assume anything seeing our relationship is quite young in some respects," the blonde shrugged.

"It's not an assumption. To me, it's a given. I  _want_  you in my life... I  _need_  you in my life, and so does  _this_  baby. I have a way to go in my own recovery and I need you there with me... every step of the way."

They softly kissed each other to reaffirm their love for each other and reassure each other that everything would be alright. But Olivia Benson was effectively taken back to square one: she still didn't know if Lewis Williams had raped her during her 128 day imprisonment in the transient cabin on Lake Cobbosseecontee. But for now, that was the furthermost concern in her mind. Right now, the baby's health was the next priority.

"You want to find out more about your baby now?"

Guiding Alex's hand on to the small swell of her stomach, Olivia corrected, " _Our_  baby, Alex.  _Our_  baby. Yes, I would like to find out if it's a boy or girl. I also want to ask Doctor Smith about the GHB. That's my biggest concern after the possibility of any chromosomal problems."

"Alright then, let's get her back in here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: What?!  
> End Note 2: I have a fair idea what you're all thinking right now... and my response is: Yeah, I know ;-)


	29. Chapter 29

"Wait!"

Alex moved her hand away from the door knob and turned back around, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong. I just want to see... the results, I mean." Olivia toyed with the paternity envelope, "I want to look at them... with you."

Walking back to where Olivia was standing, Alex stood beside the detective and placed a reassuring hand on the small of Olivia's leather jacket clad back as Olivia removed the folded paperwork. The SVU detective knew the basics about DNA and alleles, but if Melinda Warner was there in the exam room with them, Olivia would have gotten the Medical Examiner to explain the table of DNA results and allele numbers of Potential Father, Baby and Mother in greater detail. Her eyes scanned passed the large table of numbers and took in the next line of text directly underneath.

_Conclusion: The probability of Mr Lewis Williams being the biological father of Baby Benson is 0%. Therefore, Mr Lewis Williams is excluded as being the father of Baby Benson._

0%. Excluded.

She flipped to the next page and skipped down past the table.

_Conclusion: The probability of Mr Brian Cassidy being the biological father of Baby Benson is 99.98%. Therefore, is it is practically proven that Mr Brian Cassidy is the father of Baby Benson._

Relief. _  
_

Sheer, unadulterated relief.

Olivia now understood why Alex had started to cry after seeing the results, as a fresh wave of tears escaped her own eyes.

Giving the small of Liv's back a gentle rub, Alex said with a light laugh, "Now do you believe that Brian's the father?"

"I didn't doubt what you told me... I just..."

"Needed to see it for yourself?" offered the ADA.

"Yeah." nodded Olivia, placing the papers back in the envelope, then stowed the envelope inside the inner breast pocket of her leather jacket. Alex thumbed away the tears sliding down Liv's cheek and brushed away her own as Olivia snaked both her arms around Alex's waist, pulling the blonde even closer.

* * *

"Are we... proceeding?" Doctor Andrea Smith asked with hesitance as Alex ushered her back in to the exam room 10 minutes later. The doctor had immediately noted the red rimmed eyes of both women as she reentered the room, and wondered if the news they had received was not what they had hoped for.

"Yes, we're having a baby," Liv confirmed as she held Alex's hand.

"Happy tears then?"

"Happy tears!" Olivia and Alex said in quiet yet cheerful unison. Liv added, "Would you please let us know about the other amniocentesis results now?"

Doctor Smith opened the other envelope and took her time reading the results as Alex and Olivia waited side by side. The longer the doctor took reading the results, the more worried both SVU members were becoming, exchanging nervous glances with each other. The doctor placed the results down on the desk, then looked directly at Olivia, "Your baby's fine. Healthy, but small."

Olivia chewed her bottom lip, hoping the next words to come out of her mouth didn't sound terrible, "I-I was drugged... several times while I was unaware I was pregnant-"

"I'm aware you were forcibly drugged with Rohypnol while you were kidnapped. That won't have affected your baby. Prolonged use of Rohypnol throughout your pregnancy on the other hand, could."

"What about... GHB? I may have been drugged with that, but I can't say for certain. Could that have any affect on the baby?"

Doctor Smith gave Liv a sympathetic look, "That, I can't answer."

"What do you mean?" Alex responded.

"We don't know the full impact of some of these newer drugs yet. Their recipes, for lack of a better word, keep changing all the time, and there's no consistancy. Not like older drugs like marijuana _,_ heroin, cocaine or long term use of prescription meds. We  _know_  what those drugs can do to babies, just like we know the impact of alcohol has and what to expect with babies diagnosed with alcohol foetal syndrome. We just don't know yet with these other new drugs and what they  _might_  do. What you  _do_  have in your favour, Olivia, is that you're  _not_  a regular user of GHB, and you're physically healthy woman. Do you know many times you were drugged?"

"More than a dozen that's for sure, but I can't be sure exactly how many times."

"So it wasn't every day?" Doctor Smith pressed.

"No, not every day. He made sure I was very much alert and awake for... certain... things. And he avoided us like the plague when I menstruated... well, what I assumed was my menstrual cycle. We pretended Vanessa was menstruating too, giving us several more days grace."

"Alright then. Like I said, you have an advantage at not being a regular user. Your baby  _may_  be smaller due to lack of regular nutrition while you were kidnapped."

"Surprisingly, he fed us... not well, but decently. Fruit and vegetables." Olivia replied, remembering Lewis Williams always remarking that he treated his 'guests' well.

"That's good to know. I'm sure you're eating even better and more regularly now. I want you eat well balanced meals from now. Also, be aware that a number of older women tend to have smaller babies. Some babies just deviate from the standard and some women don't 'show' as much as others. Some women look pregnant very early on, some women don't. The stress you were under may also contribute to the baby being smaller. How about we do another ultrasound and see if your baby has grown more from the last one."

As Olivia hopped up on the exam bed, Alex chimed in, "Would there be a difference seeing it was only Thursday that you did the first ultrasound?"

"It would be only minor, but you have to remember the baby grows everyday. Olivia, what I would recommend to you is for you to have an ultrasound every 1 to 2 weeks up until the birth to make sure your baby's development is progressing steadily. I can forward this file to your OBGYN in New York when you return."

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances. They hadn't discussed returning to New York yet, but both knew their time in Winthrop was slowly drawing to a close seeing Alex had promised to be there for Amanda Rollins when she was finally discharged from Bellevue. Liv lifted her modified button down shirt and readied herself for the cold gel while holding Alex's hand. Unlike last time, Olivia was eager to see the baby on the portable ultrasound screen. Andrea poured the gel on Liv's stomach and moved the transducer about. Once again, it took a few moments for the baby to appear on the screen, but when it did, Liv stared not in disbelief, but in utmost relief.

This was  _her_  baby.

This was  _Alex's_  baby.

This was  _Brian's_  baby.

This was truly  _their_  baby.

Doctor Smith pressed the audio button and the rhythmic sound of the baby's heart beat filled the room. As the OBGYN took measurements on the screen, Alex pressed a kiss to Olivia's lips, then her forehead, "That's your baby!"

" _Our_  baby, remember!" Olivia chastised playfully as the baby moved on the moniter.

"I know, but it might take a little while for it to sink in for me."

"Well, it's still sinking in for  _me_ , so I'll let it slide... just this once."

Both women just watched in awe as the baby moved again. "Are you feeling that?" Alex asked.

"Not the small movements, but the big... THAT I felt!" Olivia confirmed as the baby moved sharply on the screen. "It's hard to describe, but that was the strongest the baby's moved so far today."

A few minutes later, Doctor Smith spoke up, "You'll both be pleased to know that the baby  _has_  grown since last the last ultrasound. So I'm quite happy with that progress too. Basically, you're baby's size should be comparative to a mango, but it's about the size of an avacado right now.  _But_  there's still a while before you give birth for the baby to grow."

"So how far along is Olivia in the pregnancy? Brian's the father." Alex looked at the OBGYN.

"Basically, Olivia implanted a few days after May 19th. Therefore, right now..." Andrea checked Olivia's file, "... you're just on 21 weeks pregnant. You're officially due February 9th, but I wouldn't be surprised if you deliver prior to that date. Most older mothers give birth a few weeks earlier, so possibly mid to late January. It's all the the file for your OBGYN."

Realisation dawned on Olivia, "Alex, I could give birth on my Mom's birthday."

"Really?! When was that?"

"February 3rd. She'd be turning 70 next birthday if she was still alive today." Liv replied, a hint of sadness evident in her voice. "She'll never know that she has a grandchild."

"Sadly no, but we can let your mother know that she has one. Also my Mom and Dad... and Brian too. They may be no longer with us, but there's no reason why we can't tell them."

"I'd like to do that." Olivia broke the short silence, "Do you want to know if we're having a boy or girl? Or do you want to be surprised?"

Alex nodded, "As much as I'd like to be surprised, I think I'd like to know."

"So do I. Andrea, could you please let us know the sex of our baby now?"

"Of course!" Doctor Smith compiled, having already noted the sex of the baby on the first ultrasound, and reconfirming it while taking measurements. "Say hello to your baby..."

10 years ago to date, Olivia Benson was given the best news of her life, that Alex Cabot was indeed alive. Now, 10 years later, Olivia was once again given the best news of her life. Brian Cassidy was the father, and she and Alex beamed with joy when they heard Doctor Smith say they were having a little girl. A beautiful daughter.

* * *

Alex and Olivia made their way out to the little courtyard at the hospital. As both women sat down on the bench, Alex spoke up, "Could I make a possible name suggestion? Perhaps maybe consider it for her middle name?"

"Absolutely. I haven't even thought of anything like that. To be honest, I'm still coming to terms that we're having a baby, let alone having a daughter. So tell me the name you're thinking of. Maybe we'll start a list or something?"

"I know we have some time to think about names before the birth, but Brian has given you... us... this beautiful gift of life. I think he deserves to be recognised and honoured somehow... what do you think of the name Breanna?"

Olivia's hand unconsciously went to her stomach as Alex said the name.

"I know it's not pronounced like Brian, but it could incorporate the spelling of his name if you spelt Breanna, B-R-I-A-N-N-A... which  _is_  another way of spelling it anyway."

"So, Brianna?" Olivia repeated aloud, giving Alex an odd look.

Alex saw the look Olivia had given and took it to heart, "It was a silly idea. Forget I suggested it."

"No! I  _love_  that idea, Alex, and I  _love_  the name! I think  _she_ loves the name too."

"Huh?" Alex raised an eyebrow in confusion.

"It's going to sound silly, but all I can say is that I felt her move when you said the name, then felt her move again when I said it."

"That's the funny look you gave me then?" Alex clarified.

"Yeah. And she's living up to the name meaning already."

"What do you mean? I'm not following."

"Brian told me when we first worked together at SVU his name meant 'strong'. I don't know, maybe he was trying to impress me or something? He reminded me yet again in the hospital after he was shot during the attempted carjacking of Ganzel's vehicle," Liv remembered. "Anyway, the way this little one's been moving about today, she's definitely strong!"

"I wish I could feel her move," murmured Alex, looking down at a printed out ultrasound image she had in her hand. Another was residing in the envelope of Liv's jacket. The ADA traced her finger over the profile of their daughter, as if trying to connect with the baby in her own way.

Once again Olivia unbuckled her belt, moved her jeans a little lower. Guiding Alex's hand to where she had been feeling the baby move, Olivia pressed Alex's hand a little firmer against her abdomen and patiently waited.

Alex's eyes widened after a short while, "Was that?!"

A large grin appeared on Olivia's mouth, "Uh-huh!"

"Tha-that was her  _moving_?!"

Liv just nodded her head in confirmation, her hand still holding Alex's to her abdomen.

"I-I felt that! I felt her move! I felt our baby move!"

"You said so yourself that she was just waiting for the right time. Seems right now was that right time."

Alex reluctantly moved her hand away so Liv could rebuckle her belt after feeling their daughter move again. As Liv did, she commented "So, I think it's unanimous for her middle name to be Brianna."

"I think so too."

"I would like her first name to have a special meaning similar to that. Something appropriate."

"We'll have a look up on the internet for names and meanings that we both like, and whittle it down until we agree upon one."

"I like the sound of that," Olivia agreed. "You  _do_  realise that Doom's going to be the uncle to our baby."

Having gotten to know Joe Dumas over the last few months since being assigned to SVU, Alex couldn't help but laugh, "I wonder what his reaction will be when we tell him?"

"I can only imagine! I think a lot of cheering and gorilla grunting will be involved though," Olivia chuckled. "But I want us to tell him and their mother personally, not over the phone. Something like that is absolutely a face to face thing."

"I agree. That means we have to go home to New York, Liv."

Liv negotiated after a short silence, "How about this, Alex: we have a few more days here in Maine, then leave on Saturday morning. We stay overnight in Boston then home to New York on Sunday. We'll be back before Amanda finishes her time at Bellevue, and I'll be able to go see what the Captain wants at the precinct." She secretly hoped that when she did finally go to the 1-6, it would be a quiet 'homecoming'. She didn't want her squad members overwhelming her at once.

"Unfortunately Don didn't say what it was about, otherwise I would give you a heads up."

"Not matter what it is, all I know is that I'm on 2 months mandatory leave already, so that's going to take me up until the end of November. I'm going to be straight on to desk duty the moment I start work again, which won't be long seeing the baby's due February, maybe January? Then I'm going to have maternity leave... I'm basically not going to have worked for almost a year after all this."

"You've been working non-stop for the last 15 years, but I understand what you're trying to say, it's not the way you really wanted to take time off. The baby yes, but not the other things that happened."

"With all that time off, it's going to do  _wonders_  for my Career Points." Liv sighed, knowing how important those career points were to any law enforcement officer regarding promotions. "I don't want to retire, I want to get back to some type of normality. But on the other hand, I don't know if I want to do the job any more... not after what's happened."

"That's what these 2 months mandatory will help you figure it out what you want to do, and I'll help you too. I know you need to work, but you also need to slow down. You have a daughter to think about now, and so do I. We have each other to think about too."

"I like the sound of those last 2 things... thinking about you and our daughter," Olivia pressed a hesitant soft kiss to Alex's cheek. The detective was still taking small steps to be just that little more intimate and bold with the blonde, but knew it would take time for it to be second nature, like she wanted it to be. "You didn't tell the Captain I'm pregnant, did you?"

"No. I knew it wasn't my place to do so," said Alex, shaking her head.

"I'll have to tell him when I see him." Olivia slowly stood up, reaching her hand out to help Alex up too. "Come on, I have to tell 'Nessa too."

Alex briefly let Olivia's hand go only to open the door from the courtyard to the hospital and slip the ultrasound picture into her purse, "You don't have to tell Vanessa just yet."

"I can't keep it hidden from her for much longer either. But I have no idea how she's going to react to the news."

* * *

Both Olivia and Alex knew something was amiss when they got to Vanessa's room and saw that it was empty. Not just empty, but stripped clean of everything.

As a young nurse walked past, Olivia called out, "Excuse me, nurse? Where's Vanessa? The woman who was in this room for several days."

"I'm sorry, I've only just come on duty not 10 minutes ago. My best advice would be to check at the Nurses Station, but she's most likely been discharged," the young nurse said with a smile.

"Oh," sadness clearly evident in Liv's response.

"Thankyou," Alex replied as the young nurse continued on her nursing duties.

Olivia tried to keep her emotions in check, "I never even got to say goodbye to 'Nessa after everything we've been through."

"Yes you will," a voice behind them spoke, startling the SVU members. Kelly Leonard smiled and indicated for them to follow her to her office, "I discharged her this morning, but don't let that worry you. She's gone to Augusta for the day to spend it with her family. She knows she has to start her journey towards recovery and independence again, and she feels the only way  _she_  can do that is for her family to return to their homes. Her sisters respect that, and her mother is trying he best, but Vanessa said her father is still not realising how overprotective he's being, and that's making Vanessa feel uncomfortable. The only way Vanessa could convince her father she would be alright was for her to stay at our place, which is no problem seeing we have enough room. Her parents are flying back to Ohio later today, one sister has to fly back to Seattle in the afternoon, and the other is flying back to Richmond, Virginia but not until after midnight tonight. Vanessa said the sister that's in Richmond will be able to get to New Jersey if she feels she needs help. I promised Mr Meyer that Melanie would pick Vanessa up from the airport, but I do believe it will actually be a certain Winthrop rookie to drive her back to our place tonight... as per  _Vanessa's_  personal request."

"Personal request?" questioned Alex.

"Yes, she asked me that Alan drive her back instead of Mel when she gave me a goodbye hug. Who am I to deny a request like that?" Kelly unlocked her office, "Also, Melanie and I think it might be nice for all of us to have a quiet dinner tomorrow night... and maybe that certain Winthrop rookie has be asked to attend as well, if he hasn't been asked already."

"You're not trying to help 'Nessa and Alan...  _along_?" Olivia raised an eyebrow in suspicion, feeling a little protective of the red head.

"Before you think anything like that, I'll point out that  _Vanessa_  suggested the dinner, and Melanie and I are happy to oblige her request. It's strictly a quiet dinner for you and Vanessa to have with your rescuers and our significant others, so just the 6 of us. If Vanessa sees Alan as a  _potential_  significant other instead of her rescuer, that's  _her_  prerogative," Kelly did well to keep a straight face. "Vanessa also wants to get some varying opinions regarding her future job prospects."

Olivia understood perfectly, "We talked about that in the cabin a few times. After what happened with Lewis, she doesn't know what to do now. Her hearts still in law, but not on defense side anymore. I told 'Nessa to speak to you, Alex."

Kelly broached the subject cautiously as she took a seat, "Did you get the news you were... hoping... for?"

Alex and Olivia exchanged genuine looks of love before Liv spoke, "We got the best news we could ever ask for."

* * *

In the bathroom at the Leonards house, Alex, dressed in her camisole and sleep shorts, was changing the wound dressings on Olivia's back before going to bed.

"I really don't think we need to cover these ones anymore, Olivia." Alex commented, regarding the upper burns of the question marks on her left scapula as she sat on the edge of the bath. "I'll put some cream on them to help with the scars after I cover the lower ones." She was mindful to use the same words Kelly had used to describe the scars.

As she gently removed the dressing on Olivia's right scapula, Alex couldn't help but notice what she had noticed the first time she saw the large burn. Her eyes moved from Olivia's detective badge scar, to her own bullet wound, and back again. Alex took a breath as if to say something, but no words came out. The inhaled breath wasn't missed by the brunette.

Liv, sitting on the little stool, looked back over her right shoulder. "What is it? Is it infected?"

"No, it looks like it's healing really well."

"What is it then? You went to say something, but you didn't."

Alex put some antiseptic cream on the burn, then a new wound dressing before applying a waterproof cover. She whispered when she'd finished and removed her latex gloves, "We... ahh... line up."

"Huh?" Liv furrowed her brow, looking back over her shoulder again.

"The scar on your shoulder..." Alex pressed a featherlight kiss to the ball of Liv's right shoulder, "... lines up with the scar on my shoulder. It just looks like, that no matter what, you're always protecting me."

"I knew as soon as he burnt me that it could line up with yours when we're spooning together... if we were ever found." Even though she had always corrected Vanessa from 'if' to 'when' whenever the red head said similar, Olivia had always had that same niggling doubt as Vanessa had that they may never had been found in that small dimly lit cellar.

Sometimes fate worked in mysterious ways.

* * *

Alex pulled Olivia closer, entwining their fingers as Liv settled back on Alex's torso, resting their combined hands on Olivia's stomach after they hopped in to bed.

"Seems history has a way of repeating itself, seeing we got the best news today. 10 years ago,  _I_  got the best news that  _you_  were alive."

"I had to stop be me though. I became Emily. But I will never be able to thank Hammond enough for allowing me to have those few minutes with you... and Elliott. But I agree, we got the  _best_  news today."

"Let's not call our daughter Emily. It's not that I don't like the name... it's just-"

The blonde knew what the detective was trying to say, "Too many bad memories associated with it."

"Yeah," Liv agreed.

"We'll figure out her first name. We have plenty of time. Goodnight little baby," Alex moved their hands slightly on Olivia's stomach. "Goodnight Mommy."

"Hey, sweetheart? What do you want to be called?"

"I'm not sure. You being known as Mommy is a given," she pressed a kiss to the old scar above Olivia's eyebrow, "You choose for me."

The brunette thought aloud, "Well, I guess seeing I'm Mommy... that has an 'O' in it, O for Olivia... You'll have to have an 'A' in yours... A for Alex... Momma? Mama? I honestly think Mama suits you the most."

"I like that. Well Mommy, Mama wants our daughter to know she loves Mommy. And Mama wants our daughter to know that she loves her as much as Mommy."

"I love you too, Alex."

As Olivia slowly drifted off to sleep in Alex's arms, she hoped with every fibre of her being that she wouldn't have a nightmare tonight...

* * *

Olivia was puzzled. She somehow knew this, here and now, was a dream. She knew because she had dreamt this night many a time since it happened 10 years ago. She had received a note telling her to meet with DEA Agent Jack Hammond near the banks of the Hudson River to close up Alex's murder. Elliott Stabler commented on the secluded location as they exited the squad car, and Hammond apologised, it was the only way this could happen.

But now it wasn't Elliott Stabler walking next to Olivia, it was Alex Cabot. Alive and well, as she looked right now. Long hair, no bangs, black framed glasses in place. And it wasn't Jack Hammond approaching the black SUV now, he had morphed in to DEA Agent Tim Donovan, the man that had been blown up by the car bomb.

"Wouldn't take no for an answer, real pain in the ass this one!" Tim grumbled as he waited for the US Marshals to open the door.

Out of the black vehicle stepped Brian Cassidy and Clarissa, hand in hand. No blood pouring from his chest, and no slit throat for her. Both looking very much alive, but Olivia knew that wasn't right.

The NYPD Officer spoke, "Liv, I'm so sorry for everything that happened."

Olivia was trying to make sense of what was happening right now, "You're  _both_  dead... you and Clarissa... and Donovan too! I missed your funeral, Bri."

"I know, but this  _is_  your dream." Brian nodded his head in understanding as he noticed Olivia was holding Alex's hand. He then indicated Alex, "You lied to me, Liv. I asked you when we broke up, and you lied to me."

The SVU detective tightened her grip on Alex's hand, "No, I didn't lie. You asked if it was another  _guy_... it wasn't."

There was no malice in his voice when he responded, "I also asked if it was  _someone else_."

"Brian, Alex  _isn't_  a  _someone else_  to me... just like Clarissa  _isn't_  and  _never was_  a  _someone else_  to you. Like Clarissa, Alex is...  _everything_!" Olivia gave Alex a loving smile when she said 'everything'.

"Your face always  _did_  light up when you talked about Cabot," Brian laughed, smiling his boyish grin.

"So did yours when you talked about Clarissa," Liv reminded him as he looked at the young blonde woman next to him.

"Touché."

A US Marshal spoke quietly to Clarissa before she turned to face the male ex-SVU member, "Brian, we have to go now. We're on the move."

Brian gave both Olivia and Alex a quick hug and peck on the cheek before he took Alex's hand and placed it back in Olivia's. Indicating Alex, Brian said to Liv, "You look after  _her_..." then he placed his hand lightly on Olivia's stomach and looked at both women, "... and you look after your girl for me...  _Our_  little girl."

Clarissa and Brian got into the black SUV, and as Alex and Olivia watched US Marshal vehicles drive away, a van approached in the opposite direction. It parked exactly where the SUV van and been, and Lewis Williams got out of the driver's side.

"Alex, get to the car! NOW!"

"Not without you, Olivia!"

Alex tried to pull Liv towards the Crown Vic, but Lewis was much too strong and too fast for the younger woman. Suddenly Olivia was pulled away from Alex's grasp, the brunette's arms being handcuffed behind her back... Lewis Williams vice like arms snaking around her waist... manhandling her towards the van... Olivia desperately struggling to break free to get back to Alex... the door of the van slid open by itself... the lowback chair was in the back of van... the van door slammed shut and darkness enveloped the inside of the van, bar a dim light shrouding the chair.

Just like being back in the cellar of the cabin.

Lewis straddled Olivia's thighs again, his hands lovingly caressing Liv's stomach. "How's  _our_  baby, Detective Benson?"

"It's NOT your baby! It's BRIAN'S baby!" she spat venomously.

He shrugged, unperturbed by the truth of the baby's paternity, "Well, it  _could've_  been mine...  _all_  those times you can't remember...  _all_  those times you and me in this chair... on the mattress... in the cellar...  _all_  those times we were...  _alone_."

"I only have ONE question for you that I  _want_  answered! DID you rape me?! DID YOU RAPE ME?!"

Lewis Williams roared with laughter, tears of mirth sliding down his cheeks. He leant in close to Olivia's left side of her face, once again his warm breath and lips tickling the shell of her ear, taking great joy in taunting her. " _You'll_  never know!"

He pulled back, then swapped to the right side of her face, "You'll  _never_ know!"

Once again he pulled back and stared directly at her, "You'll never  _know_!... YOU'LL. NEVER. KNOW! And you wanna know what the  _best_  part of all this is? The  _best_  part is that you'll  _never_  be rid of me, Detective Benson... I'm in your head!" He brushed his scarred finger tips over her forehead.

" _Every_  time you close your eyes, I'll be here... waiting for you... waiting to turn your dreams into nightmares..." He lightly ran his fingertips and thumb down over her brow, brushing her eyelids closed. He removed his hand and gave her a cheeky smile, "I look forward to it."

He stood up and lazily wandered away into the surrounding darkness as Olivia struggled and thrashed about to free herself from the chair.

_"LET ME GO!"_

Lewis called back over his shoulder, "See you tomorrow night, Detective!"

_"LET ME GO!"..._

* * *

"...  _Did you_... _rape me_... ...  _Let me go_... LET ME GO!" Olivia thrashed awake, her eyes darting around her room in terror.

The bedside lamp in the Leonards guest bedroom was already on and Alex began her nightly soothing reassurance ritual that everything was now fine, and whatever had just happened had all been a bad dream as Olivia clung tightly to blonde ADA.

Alex Cabot, the woman Olivia loved with all her heart, and would be there every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Gee, it was really lucky I brought Joe 'Doom' Dumas in to the story, huh? ;-)  
> End Note 2: So to clarify, Baby Benson's middle name spelt Brianna but pronounced Bree-Anna ;-).


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If what Melanie gives Alan is inaccurate and the timeframe is too soon, I apologise in advance :-) I know that sounds so vague, but I don't want to spoil it for readers ;-)

Olivia entered the guest bedroom that Vanessa was using in the Leonards house and sat on the bed next to the red head. She told Alex she needed to tell Vanessa by herself, and thankfully Alex understood why after what Liv and Vanessa had been through together.

"Hey 'Nessa, we need to talk."

"What about?"

"I have some news I need to tell you. Alex and I... are... having a baby."

"Congratulations! Alex is pregnant?!"

"No,  _I'm_  pregnant."

"No you're not!"

"I  _am_."

"But, you had your period... you never skipped. Just as we were rescued even!"

"I know. Some women can keep bleeding during their pregnancy. Seems I'm one of them. You... ahh... remember I had to have some tests the day after we were rescued?"

"About your foot, right?"

"It wasn't my foot. I had to have an ultrasound that day."

"I'm finding this kinda hard to believe, Liv."

Olivia passed Vanessa the ultrasound image from inside her leather jacket, "I didn't believe it either until I saw the baby on the screen. I even accused Kelly of lying to me... that  _you_  were the one that was pregnant... that she mixed up the results."

" _Why_  didn't you tell me about this Liv?! I thought we told each other just about everything?"

"Please understand why I never said anything until now... I honestly didn't know if I was going to keep the baby or not because we didn't know who the father was."

"It would be  _his_... who else could it be? Oh my god, it's  _his_  baby! Not unless he brought other men around when we were drugged. Could he have done that?!"

"It's _Brian's_  baby. We got the results back today."

"Brian's?! You've been pregnant all the time we've been missing?"

"Yeah. We had sex the night before he was shot... the night before we were  _both_  taken by  _him_."

"Wow!"

"You can say that again. I'm still trying to come to terms with it."

"So, if it's Brian's... then... you  _still_  don't know if he... raped... you, do you?"

"No, I don't. I don't know if I ever will either, and that frightens me." Liv wiped away a tear and allowed Vanessa to embrace her. Olivia knew Vanessa was a hugging person, she had told the detective on more than one occasion in the cabin.

"Oh Liv."

"Umm... 'Ness, apart from myself, Alex, Kelly and Mel... only  _you_  know about the baby. Officially,  _you_  are the  _first_  person  _I've_  told. I've told Alex I want you to be a special person in our baby's life and she wants you to be that too... not a godmother, neither of us is religious, but something like the equivalent of a godmother. A very special Aunt or something."

"I'd be honoured. I could be Auntie 'Nessa."

"We'd  _really_  like that."

"Do you know what you're having?"

"We're having a girl."

"You're gonna be Moms! Can I go and congratulate Alex now? Congratulate the both of you properly?"

"She's on the deck having her breakfast. Are you hungry?"

* * *

"Doc Leonard's not going to be happy with us, is she?" Alan asked, as Mel locked up the Winthrop Sheriff's Station for the night, stowed the keys and an official looking envelope in her Sheriff's jacket then slung her leather messenger bag over her shoulder.

"Don't worry about it, Alan. I'm the Sheriff, remember. Any wrath from Kelly for us being late will fall  _directly_  on me. I'm just sorry you won't have time to go home and change out of your uniform... but between  _you_  and _me_ ," she waggled her finger back and forth, "women  _like_  uniforms."

"Vanessa and I are just  _friends_ ," Alan reminded Mel, but secretly liked the thought of Vanessa seeing him in his Sheriff Officer uniform, consisting of khaki long sleeve shirt; crisp white undershirt; dark charcoal greyish green trousers; his Sheriff Officer shield above the left breast pocket and his name patch above the right pocket, for longer than those few brief minutes she had initially saw him in the hospital. Truth be told, he was secretly happy just to see Vanessa again so soon.

Alan had arrived at the airport in Augusta a little after 6pm Tuesday night after finishing early at the station, showering, shaving, changing into more comfortable clothes and an extra splash of scented aftershave for good measure, then waited with Vanessa before her oldest sister, Veronica, flew back to Richmond Virginia after midnight. Even though he had visited her in the hospital on Sunday, it still stunned Alan to see Vanessa had had her hair cut to a shortish mid length bob that framed her face just so. He didn't think the red head could be any more beautiful than she already was, but it seemed she could, and he kept  _that_  thought to himself. Ronnie, as Veronica asked the rookie to call her, regaled him with some stories about a mischievous young Vanessa Meyer as they had dinner at one of the airport diners, embarrassing the defense attorney more and more. Alan, in turn, told both Meyer sisters some amusing stories about him growing up with his Grandma. Vanessa knew why there was no mention whatsoever of Alan's Pop in any of these more lighthearted stories. After Ronnie's plane departed, Alan and Vanessa continued talking, neither in a hurry to leave the airport and return to Winthrop right away. And in the end, even though she didn't have her car licence on her, Alan let Vanessa drive his Plymouth Fury all the way back to the Leonards house. He fought the urge to give Vanessa a small goodbye kiss on the cheek, but those hidden dimples of his made several appearances during their time together.

Mel held her hands up, trying not to smile. "Hey,  _I_ never said anything about Vanessa,  _you_  did."

Alan started backpedalling, getting more flustered with every passing the moment. "I-I.. w-well I... ahh... th-that is to s-say... that... err..."

"Look, I know my wife likes  _my_  uniform... correction,  _loves_  my uniform. I can only hazard a guess as if Alex likes Olivia in  _her_  uniform, but detectives rarely wear them. But I think she probably would, all dressed in those dark navy blues. Like I said, women like uniforms." Mel purposely avoided mentioning Vanessa as she stopped at the passenger side of the classic car.

"Why aren't you taking the patrol vehicle home, Sheriff?" Alan tried to change the subject, now desperately wanting the short drive to the Leonards house to be by himself.

"Number 1: Kelly's car, number 2: Alex's car, number 3: your car. Where on earth would I be able to park the patrol vehicle tonight?" Mel counted off the cars with her fingers. "Besides,  _I_  haven't been taken for a spin in this awesome car!"

Alan opened his mouth to say that he hadn't taken Vanessa 'for a spin', he had found her wandering the first time and was asked to pick Vanessa up from the airport the second time, but closed his mouth just as fast. Was Melanie trying to purposely bait him again? He wasn't 100% sure if he saw a tiny twinkle in the grey eyes of his superior, so he decided to go with the flow. Besides, he and Vanessa were just friends after all.

"Hop on in, and hold on tight."

* * *

"Finally!" Kelly called out from the kitchen as the front door closed.

"Sorry we're late. Had a  _heap_  of paperwork to finish up, babe." Melanie gave Kelly a knowing wink, before giving her a kiss near the kitchen bench. The doctor knew exactly what was going on, having been told by Mel earlier in the day when a certain something arrived during lunch at the Winthrop Sheriff Station. The Sheriff had purposely kept Alan late so he  _couldn't_  change out of his uniform, and also herself. It was a surprise for Alan and as luck would have it, it was able to come to fruition tonight. Something special was going to happen in the next few minutes, and being able to do this in front of Vanessa and Olivia in particular, well it was just icing on the cake.

"Alan, the ladies are out on the deck. If you want a beer-" Kelly indicated the direction.

"Thankyou, but I'll be driving home later. Just cola or some sort of soda will be fine."

"The bar fridge on out on the deck has it all," Kelly called out as the curly haired rookie walked towards the deck. She pulled Mel closer, slipping her hands into the back pockets of Mel's pants, and giving the plaint flesh a generous squeeze. "Does Alan suspect?"

"He hasn't a clue! The box is in my messenger bag, but I'm sure he won't want  _that_  when it happens. Getting this will be embarrassing enough for him, I can't go over the top with officialdom. I've got the basic on me, but I'll take the box out there with us and show them all."

The salt and pepper haired woman gave the Sheriff's ass another squeeze, "Excellent!"

Mel bit back a groan, "Babe, as much as I  _hate_  to say it, if you  _don't_  stop doing that we'll have to leave our guests alone for  _quite_  some time. And it will be fairly obvious with the  _both_  of us missing, seeing there's only 6 of us here tonight."

"Sorry," Kelly reluctantly removed her hands, not before giving Mel's ass one last squeeze.

"Hold that thought for  _later_  tonight, though." Mel picked up the messenger bag next to her feet then a tray of nibbles off the kitchen island bench and said in a husky tone, "Might even leave the uniform on for you."

Kelly smirked as she picked up the other tray, greedily drinking in the sight of perfectly fitted Sheriff pants on the shaggy pixie cut blonde a few steps ahead of her.

Out on the deck, there were 2 tall outdoor gas heaters in opposite corners, warming the area nicely. Olivia and Alex were sitting side by side at the hexagonal deck table, and Vanessa was sitting opposite, 2 spare chairs on the right of the redhead, and one spare on the left side. Just as Alan sat down between Alex and Vanessa, Kelly sat on the other side of Vanessa and readied her phone on the video camera setting and began filming, Melanie placed the tray down on the table, cleared her throat then spoke, "Sheriff Officer Irvine, will you please stand up?"

Alan wondered if he's sat in the wrong spot, but being addressed formally was a little surprising. "Sheriff Leonard, I thought-"

"Stand up please, Sheriff Officer Irvine." Mel repeated the request.

"-we were off duty?"

"We are  _never_  off duty... now please stand up." As Alan got to his feet, Melanie handed him an envelope. "Right now, I'm breaking protocol. Read it."

Opening the Maine Sheriff's Department envelope, his hazel eyes skimmed across the page, widening more and more as comprehension began to sink in. "Are you kidding me?! I-I was just doing my job, and I'd do it again!"

"What is it?" Vanessa asked, trying to understand what was happening. Was her rescuer in trouble?

"I should hope you were  _just_  doing your job and would do it again! And no,  _not_  kidding. Sheriff Officer Irvine, please step forward." Mel instructed the rookie.

Alan's eyes widened in surprise, "What?! Here?! Now?! Oh, nononononono!"

"Yes  _here_  and  _now_... or we  _could_  do it at the station in the morning in  _full_ dress uniform and have Deputy Officer Zimmerley and Sheriff Officer Pollack teasing you for the rest of the day for being so formal."

"No! Not that!" His hand still clutching his letter.

"Then we'll do it here, right now. Make it quick and easy, then over and done with." Mel bargained.

Alex whispered, "Whats going on?"

"I  _think_  he's getting an award," Liv replied quietly, her lightly bandaged hand unconsciously playing with her ring on Alex's finger that was resting on the ADA's thigh.

Mel stood there waiting for Alan to salute her.

"Alan," Olivia prompted with a whisper, miming the protocol gesture then rested her hand on Alex's thigh as Alex got her own phone out to record and take pictures.

"Oh, right!" Alan quickly saluted the Sheriff after placing the letter down on the table.

Stepping forward, Melanie took a small pale green medal bar pin out her jacket pocket and pinned it beneath the Sheriff Officer's shield, "Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine, for successfully and intelligently performing an act of extraordinary heroism, while engaged in personal combat with an armed adversary under circumstances of imminent personal hazard to life, you are now the recipient of the Sheriff Combat Cross from the Maine Sheriff's Department."

"What _is_  that? It sounds important," Vanessa asked aloud as everyone clapped.

Olivia explained for Alex and Vanessa's benefit, "If it's anything like the NYPD's, it's one of the highest awards an officer can receive. Only The Medal of Honour is higher... and The Purple Shield too."

"We probably don't have as many medals but you're right Detective, Sheriff Combat Cross  _is_  one of the highest awards with the Medal of Honour and Purple Shield being higher. Alan has now joined a very elite group of men and women to receive such an honour. And being this is your first year as a Sheriff Officer, Alan, you've set yourself a high standard for the rest of your career. Don't  _ever_  waiver from it." Mel replied as she took out the leather bound, velvet lined presentation box that held the actual Sheriff Combat Cross. Opening the box to show everyone the green enamelled, gold Maltese cross shape medal with the Maine Sheriff's Department seal in the centre and its green neck ribbon, Melanie tried not to laugh, "Oh! By the way Alan... you  _will_  be doing the full dress uniform thing with all the pomp and ceremony that goes with it and receiving the medal from the State Commissioner... but at the end of the year."

Alan groaned his disapproval.

"Oh, I would love... really like to see that." Vanessa said, trying her best not to sound too enthusiastic.

"Well, Alan  _is_  allowed a guest to attend the ceremony, so I'll let you know when it will be happening, most likely mid December in Augusta." Mel responded before Alan could protest.

Alan sat back down between Vanessa and Alex, "I knew I screwed up big time when I let Lewis go. I never would've expected to get something like this."

Mel took her seat between Kelly and Olivia, "You  _did_  screw up. We're all pretty much called incompetent during our careers and we all learn on the job. But you redeemed yourself when you shot Lewis Williams, saving not only Olivia and Vanessa's life... but mine as well."

"Yours?" Vanessa questioned.

"I caught Lewis out in a lie, and he pointed a gun at my face when we both knew we'd encountered each other a couple of weeks earlier. He said...  _moaned_... that a Sheriff would make a lovely guest, even better than a Detective. If it hadn't of been for Alan walking in to the General Store at that very moment... I have no doubt in my mind I would've joined you ladies in that cabin." Mel explained as Kelly held her wife's hand under the table in reassurance, realising how close this scenario could have come to fruition.

Alan decided to alter the course of the conversation as a heavy silence descended the group, "Have you ever received anything like this medal, Detective Benson?"

"Ah no. I only have an American Flag and WTC Breast bars, and a Meritorious Police Duty - Honourable Mention bar. Green, white and blue horizontal bars, gold vertical bars separating them, with a silver star in the middle. In the NYPD, The Medal of Valour is above that,  _then_  the Police Combat Cross." Liv took a sip of her drink before continuing, "You did good, Alan. I'd be happy to have you as a partner any day... even if you _are_  a rookie."

"Thankyou Detective." Alan knew the lighthearted jibe regarding his first year on the job was the way law enforcement officers paid compliments.

Vanessa said with a smile, "You should be very proud of yourself."

Alan brushed aside the compliment, "I was just doing my job."

"And ladies,  _that_  is a true law enforcement Officer speaking. We don't do it for fame or glory, it's just our job." Mel confirmed with a confident nod.

"Here, here!" Liv added, raising her glass of apple juice in toast and the ladies followed in kind.

"That may be all well and good, but we still need good photos of this very special occasion. I'll go and get my good camera so we can print them out on the computer while we have dinner. I'm sure Alex, Olivia and Vanessa would like copies." Kelly offered, and was met with nods of agreement.

"Speaking of jobs... Alex, can I talk to you after dinner about some ideas for me?"

* * *

"After everything that happened with Lewis, I kind of feel at a loss as what to do now. I love law, but I just don't know if I can go back to Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates." Vanessa explained to the ADA as Kelly and Melanie returned from clearing the dinner plates away.

"Well, there a few options for you to think over. You  _could_  stay with defense." Alex suggested.

Vanessa shook her head, "I don't think I can. Too many bad memories associated with it."

"Don't dismiss it outright. You could go and work for someone else. I know Henshall and Langan are always looking for good defense lawyers."

"Alex! They're the enemy,  _especially_  Trevor!" Liv had always been jealous that Trevor had seen Alex in  _that_  red dress. Smarmy bastard with that smirky smile. But she was thankful that she had seen Alex in  _that_  red dress, and now had Alex in her life.

"Boo, defense lawyers!" Mel teased.

"Yeah, boo! Thumbs down!" added Alan.

" _Thankyou_ law enforcement officers! Defense attorney here!" Vanessa defended herself from the lighthearted onslaught.

Alex chimed in, "Olivia Benson, just keep in mind  _Trevor_  helped save your ass on that fabricated murder charge a few years back."

"Murder?!" The Winthrop trio jaws dropped.

" _Long_  story. Fabricated evidence." Olivia didn't like to remember that happened. "And yes he did, thankyou for hiring him." She pressed a small kiss to the back of Alex's hand.

"You're welcome. By the way Melanie, Trevor Langan would more likely be that over ambitious pretentious asshole that drives a Maserati and lives on Park Avenue."

Mel mouthed 'Sorry!', and cringed at the memory of her immediate assumption of who and what 'Alex Cabot' would be like and Kelly taking great pleasure in telling Alex all about it.

Vanessa continued, "I'll keep Henshall and Langan in mind. What else?"

"You might consider joining the ACLU. My friend, Serena Southerlyn, works there. She does a lot of work with LGBT rights. You might consider something like... Reproductive Freedom... Women or Human Rights. There are many different key issues the ACLU work towards for all Americans."

"I didn't think of that as a job possibility for me. Alright, I'll keep that in mind too. What other suggestions do you have?"

Olivia spoke up, "She could join our side... well, join the DA's Office with prosecution. Any SVU would have a great asset if 'Nessa was prosecuting."

Alex agreed, "Vanessa could do that. But if you did, you'd be starting off at Appeals.  _Everyone_  does now."

"I thought Liv said when you left Witness Protection you were made a Bureau Chief. Or am I getting stories mixed up? She did tell me a few in the cabin. I  _still_  don't know whether to believe that John Munch getting shot in the ass is a true story or not."

Alex tried her best to be serious after being reminded of John's old injury. He had on several occasions asked the ADA to kiss it better for him. "No, you're right. I was made Bureau Chief when I knew I shouldn't have been made that, and I couldn't handle it. And because of that now everyone starts at Appeals, then you're sent to wherever they need an ADA..." A thought suddenly hit Alex, "... unless..."

"Unless what?" Vanessa prompted.

"Unless you have recent dealing with other prosecuting cases."

The red head rolled her eyes, "Alex, how would I get that seeing I'm a  _defense_  lawyer?"

"An ICC tenure would be an idea to get some prosecution cases under your belt."

"Really? Liv told me a bit about that. Can you tell me a little more about your time?"

Even though Olivia knew all about this already, she listened with everyone else as Alex explained, so proud and perhaps a tad jealous was the detective of what Alex had accomplished during her time away, "I joined the International Criminal Court for a year long tenure to prosecute rapists and help rape victims in the Congo. We had a case back in New York... a witness to a rape we were prosecuting was also a victim of rape in her country... she was granted asylum in America, but returned to the Congo to help other women in her country. I sent an application on a whim, someone from the ICC saw the case we were working on, and Nardalee inspired me to help those women too. But it's not just for the Congo, there are other countries that the ICC deal with. Currently, 8 countries in Africa have open investigations, there are preliminary investigations in 8 other countries in the world. For me, I divided my time between the Hague in the Netherlands, and the Democratic Republic of Congo. But is wasn't all work during that year. I had some down time... meaning no cases... and during that time I got to travel. When I was stationed in the Hague, I got to travel around parts of Europe seeing different countries. I not only did I get to see the Netherlands, of course, but also England, Ireland  _and_ Northern Ireland, Scotland, Wales, France, Germany, Italy, Switzerland, Denmark and Belgium. When I was based in Kinshasa, the capital of the DCR... when I had down time there, I went to Kruger National Park, Shamwari Game Reserve and the Serengeti National Park and got to see all those big animals and big cats that everyone wants to see. I got to see Mount Kilimanjaro and Victoria Falls too. But the most  _majestic_  thing I got to see, and that will stick with me for the rest of my life was not only seeing the lowland gorillas, but also seeing the mountain gorillas in the Virungas."

Mel turned to Kelly, knowing the doctor loved her nature programs. "I've heard of the Virungas. Where have I heard that before, babe?"

Alan interjected before Kelly could answer, "That's where Dian Fossey's gorillas are."

"That's right!" Mel snapped her fingers.

Vanessa just stared at the curly haired young man in disbelief.

"What?! I  _loved_  watching nature shows like National Geographic with Grandma. Don't judge me!" Alan defended himself when he saw the look.

"I just... never expected... you..." Vanessa tried not to dig herself an even bigger hole by completing that sentence. "So, where have I heard that name before? Dian Fossey?"

Kelly replied, "Either from the book she wrote, or the movie her book and life was based on,  _'Gorillas in the Mist'_. She was played by Sigourney Weaver in the movie."

"Hmm, I think it might be the movie I heard about," stated the red head.

"Alex, you didn't disturb the gorillas, did you?" asked Alan.

"No, the small group I was with kept our distance, but looking at the troop through the binoculars... it was ... indescribable." Alex reiterated as goosebumps rippled over her body at the memory. "After hearing the horrors of what those women like Naralee went through... then seeing the innocence of that gorilla troop in the mountains, and that entire troop being watched over by a powerful single male silverback... and yet he was so gentle with the 2 year old gorilla that was using him as a climbing frame. It reminded me that even though there is such vileness and evil in the world, there is also innocence and beauty to be found."

"Looks like I'm not the only traveller with work then," Kelly said.

"You've travelled for work?" asked Vanessa.

"With  _Médecins Sans Frontières_... Doctors without Borders. I've been to a few different countries over the years. I joined the MSF team to help with the 2004 Tsumani in Indonesia that hit the day after Christmas. I was in Banda Aceh for most of that, almost 6 months. I also helped out after Katrina, but not through MSF, that's for international disasters. I was with the ARC, American Red Cross, for 4 months. I helped with MSF again for the 2010 Haiti earthquake again for 6 months. I didn't go to Japan after the 2011 earthquake though... too soon after Haiti for me," Kelly and Melanie shared a knowing glance. "That was the last time I helped overseas, and even though I saw many terrible things each time, I also saw a lot of beautiful souls and helped as much as I could... and it was through helping with MSF that I knew I was doing the right thing."

"Would you join again if there was another disaster?" Olivia queried.

"Domestically, no doubt at all. But internationally? I'm not sure I would now. I'm not as young as I used to be, and I have a wife now. My priorities have changed... I don't think I could be away from Melanie for up to 6 months  _these_  days. Back in the earlier days when we were younger, sure it was hard to be away from her, but it definitely made my heart grow fonder for her knowing she was there for me when I got back."

Mel dramatically clutched her heart, "Urgh, my pancreas! I think I'm getting diabetes from the sugary sweetness."

"Hey! You missed me just as much as I missed you!" Kel chastised.

"You better believe it, babe." Melanie have Kelly a soft kiss.

"You should do that Vanessa, take an ICC tenure." Alan spoke up with enthusiasm.

All Vanessa wanted to say was 'but what about us?', but there was no 'us', they were just friends. "I don't know, Alan."

"Think about it! Work  _and_  travel! I'd  _jump_  at that chance." Alan then added with a hint of dejection, "I've never even been outside the state of Maine before!"

"Well that's going to change! You're going to come and visit me in New Jersey!" Vanessa said, quickly adding, "... and Alex and Liv in New York. Just across the river. And you have to visit us soon!"

Mel thought a moment before speaking, "I think I might be able to give you some time off fairly soon. Actually we all might be able to get some time off and the 3 of us visit the 3 of you. Might make it some time before Thanksgiving, so you ladies have had some time to settle back to a form of normality and routine. It'd give Brad some Sheriff time too."

"That's be good timing, actually. It'd be just before I finish my 2 months mandatory." Olivia commented.

Alex agreed, "I think it's a wonderful idea. We'll make more firm arrangement closer to that time. So, what do you think of those suggestions Vanessa?"

"I'm still not sure what I want to do for a job right now. I have a bit of thinking to do now... but if I joined the ICC, I could be away for a year."

"Well, I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but there's these fancy thing called  _phones_ , and  _emails_ , and  _texts_  and  _Skype_  for friends to stay in touch. Don't they have  _those_  things in the big cities?" Alan teased merrily, revealing his dimples with a cheeky grin.

"Oh, hush now!" Vanessa chastised, lightly whacking his bicep with the back of her hand.

"Assaulting a Sheriff Officer in front of a Sheriff and an NYPD Detective! I don't think that's a wise move Ms Meyer."

"Well  _you_  may have your family of blue, Sheriff Officer Irvine, but  _I've_  got doctor to testify to the severity of the injury and another lawyer to cross examine you on this  _alleged_  assault."

"Looks like we're at an impasse. 3 versus 3. I think that  _could_  be a hung jury."

Vanessa quickly scanned the table, "I don't think so. Liv... Alex... Kelly... Melanie... Ladies...  _Sisters_... did you see anything?"

A chorus of "No's", "Nuh-uh's" and "Not a thing" were the replies.

" _Traitors_! What happened to the brothers and sisters in  _blue_?!" Alan glared.

Olivia and Mel raised their hands in surrender to Alan, they weren't going  _there_.

"Ha! Sisterhood first! I win!" Vanessa retorted gleefully. Under the table, Vanessa's hand hesitantly reached over and lightly rested on top of Alan's hand.

"Yeah, you win!" Alan sighed in defeat, but his dimples betrayed him as he turned his hand over and they interlocked their fingers for a few moments. Vanessa noted the warmth of his hand certainly equaled the warmth of his eyes and smile, before reluctantly moving her hand away.

Maybe, one day, they would  _both_  win?

* * *

"Did you know Alan had dimples?!" Kelly turned to Mel as they prepared coffee and tea in the kitchen.

"No! And I've worked with him since the middle of the year!" Melanie pulled the doctor closer, "Sure he's smiled and laughed when we joke about at the station, but seems to me as though they've appeared since a certain red head appeared too."

"He's even more adorable than I thought."

"Excuse me? Should I be jealous?" the Sheriff pulled back in mock indignation.

"Well, I wouldn't say he was  _too_  young for me... I  _do_  like them younger than me!" teased Kel.

Mel rolled her eyes, "I'm only  _3_  months younger than you!"

"See, you just proved my point. I'm  _such_  a cougar!" Kelly laughed.

"More like a tiger... in bed. And you avoided the question. Should I be jealous?"

"You know I only like...  _silicone_... appendages. Especially when they're strapped to  _your_  hips... or not strapped."

"Is  _that_  what you want later tonight, babe? Strapless?"

Kelly's response was a breathy, "Surprise me."

* * *

Melanie had turned on some music before they had left to make the coffees and tea in the kitchen. Now they were back out on the deck with Alex, Olivia, Alan and Vanessa enjoying their hot beverages. Just as Kelly was about to sip her coffee, the song changed to a familiar song.

"Kel-ly!" Mel sing songed, a huge grin on her face.

The doctor shook her head in defiance, "No!"

Melanie tugged the doctors arm to entice her up, "You know the rules!"

"No! You set that up on  _purpose_!"

" _How_  could I? It's on shuffle!"

"I'm sure you've got that song on there more than one time."

"No, not at all!" Mel lied smoothly. "The next song could be  _anything_!"

"I'm  _not_  dancing!" Kelly hissed.

"It's  _our_  bridal waltz song and  _you_  promised any time we heard it, we'd dance... now dance with  _me_!" Mel added whispering in her wife's ear so noone else would hear, "Or  _no_  uniform later on."

Kelly groaned as she stood up, but knew deep down how important this song was to each of them. They came together, slowly waltzing and swaying to the music, mouthing the lyrics to each other, never once breaking eye contact. Neither could believe it was just on 9 months since they got married. As the others watched on, Olivia could see that theirs truly was an everlasting love, and hoped Alex and hers would be the same. As she watched the wives dance, she wondered what her and Alex's song could be? Maybe one day in the future they would find out.

"You want to dance for a bit?" Alex leant over to Liv.

"Yes, I would love to... but my foot." A hint of sadness evident on the detective's voice.

Alan worked up the courage to ask Vanessa, "Do... you... want to dance?"

"I don't dance," came her immediate reply. She wanted to... really wanted to... but they were just friends. And this particular song was a romantic one. She didn't want to read too much into the possibilities.

"Oh." his heart sank.

Alex heard the instant rejection and turned to the rookie, "Alan... would  _you_  like to dance with  _me_ , seeing I can't dance with Olivia?"

"Ah... ok?"

As Alan lead Alex around the deck, making quiet small talk between themselves, Olivia observed Vanessa trying her best not to obviously watch the 2 of them, but the red head was failing. "Why didn't you dance with Alan, 'Nessa?"

"Liv, Alan and I are just  _friends_ ," Vanessa clarified, still trying not to watch, but here eyes kept darting over.

"Yes... and friends dance. Alex is dancing with Alan... and they're friends. None of us here would read too much in to that, even if you and I were dancing together." She watched the defense attorney trying not to watch and offered a solution, "You  _could_  ask to cut in... I would do that myself to dance with Alex, but with my foot..." Liv let the sentence hang.

Tentatively, Vanessa stood up, took a few steps closer and tapped Alex on the shoulder, "Could I... cut in?"

Alex stepped aside, "I don't see why not... he's a  _good_  dancer."

Alan tried not to blush at the compliment Alex had just paid him, "Grandma taught me."

Alex went over to Olivia and extended her hand, "Stand up. You might not be able to dance, but we can hold each other... maybe sway a little. Don't want to be a wallflower, do you?"

Liv slowly got to her feet, and wrapped her hands around Alex's waist. "I guess not."

A few moments later, the song came to an end and the next song began, but it was the exact same song that had just played.

Kelly glared at her wife, "Ha! You do have it on there more than once!"

Mel grinned at being caught out, and repeated the words to she had said 9 months earlier to Kelly, "I do."

 ** _You were my strength when I was weak,_**  
**_You were my voice when I couldn't speak,_**  
**_You were my eyes when I couldn't see,_**  
**_You saw the best there was in me,_**  
**_Lifted me up when I couldn't reach,_**  
**_You gave me faith 'cause you believed,_**  
**_I'm everything I am, because you loved me._  ~ Celine Dion (Because You Loved Me)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, if the award that Melanie gave Alan is inaccurate (meaning, he has to get other medal/s before he could get that specific one), I apologise. I have based it on the Medals of the NYPD, but tweaked the name from Police to Sheriff ;-). And I'm not 100% certain if that's the actual bar Olivia has, the recent photos are difficult to see what colour star she has. But it's definitely a Meritorious Police Duty bar with a star (meaning it could be Community Service [blue], Commendation/Commendation - Integrity [bronze], Exceptional Merit [green] or Honourable Mention [silver]. I personally think Liv deserves the highest one, which is Honourable Mention)


	31. Chapter 31

**_Try not to get worried, try not to turn on to,_**  
**_Problems that upset you._**  
**_Oh! Don't you know, everything's alright,_**  
**_Yes, everything's fine._**  
**_And we want you to sleep well tonight,_**  
**_Let the world turn without you tonight,_**  
**_If we try, we'll get by, so forget all about us tonight._  ~ Kate Cebrano as Mary Magdalene (Everything's Alright - Jesus Christ Superstar)**

Sitting up cross-legged in bed inside the other guest bedroom of the Leonards house with the bedside lamp switched on, Vanessa dressed in new pyjamas, rested the notepad on her lap. Pressing the tip of the pen in her criss-cross scarred hand to the lined paper, she began writing, pausing every so often to clarify her thoughts before jotting them down. It felt foreign to be doing something as simple as writing after all this time, but on the flip side, it felt refreshing and freeing. Her job as a defense attorney had required her to record details and information often, but different lawyers used different methods. Some used computers or tablets, some used voice recorders, some even used the dying art of stenography or shorthand. But for Vanessa Meyer, nothing was faster, more efficient or therapeutic than longhand writing with a pen and paper.

As she underlined a single word on the page, the red head peeped over at several photographs propped up against the lamp and the tissue box on the bedside table, then continued to write. One photo was of the group of six, one of the 'Manhattan' trio, one of the 'Winthrop' trio, and one of herself and a certain Sheriff Officer taking pride of place, all taken earlier in the evening.

She spun the pen around her fingers while she pondered some more, added a few more thoughts to the page, then underlined the same word again. Finally, she put the pen on the bedside table and looked over the page in its entirety.

**PRIORITY #1:**   _Rape Crisis Counselling/Therapy (individual and group, as per Liv's suggestion)._

**PRIORITY #2:** _Resign from Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates._

**FUTURE JOB POSSIBILITIES:**

*** Henshall and Langan  
Pros: ** _In court often. Familiarity. Stay in Jersey/Work Manhattan.  
_**Cons:**   _Too many memories of HIM._

*** ACLU  
Pros:**   _Can make a difference to many people. Stay in Jersey/Work Manhattan.  
_**Cons:** _Feel as though I'd be out of my depth. Unfamiliar. Unknown amount of court time._

*** DA's Office  
Pros:** _In court often. Chance of SVU. Stay in Jersey/Work Manhattan.  
_**Cons:**   _Beginning at the bottom._

*** ICC Tenure**  
**Pros:**   _Can make a difference to many women that don't have a voice. Travel. Better chance of SVU._  
**Cons:**   _Away for a year from family and friends. Unknown amount of court time._

Studying the list, Vanessa picked up the pen and redrew the line under 'friends' again. Each job option appealed to her in different ways, but each also had its own drawbacks. The courtroom was the domain she was most comfortable with, and after all the conversations with Olivia, she knew she loved the courtroom just as much as Alex Cabot did. She was truly at a loss with what to do.

What she did know is that the most important thing for her when she returned to New Jersey was counselling and therapy. What she hadn't told anyone was that she was still scared of men. The encounter with the large, rotund man on the side of the road after her Major Case interview had been frightening, but then Alan Irvine came along and effectively rescued her again. While waiting in the airport before Alan had arrived, even though she was with Veronica, she was still on edge whenever she saw a man... any man... in the nearby vicinity. A barrage of questions ticking over in her mind.

Was he going to try and hurt her?

Do to her what Lewis had done?

Attempt to even make contact?

Physical?

Verbal?

Visual?

But as soon as she saw Alan approaching the seats she and Ronnie were waiting at, she relaxed. She felt as safe as she used to, before Lewis Williams happened. Normal, almost. Maybe even just that little bit more safe? She'd only met the young rookie almost a week ago, but there was something reassuring about him that made her not be afraid.

Perhaps they were kindred spirits? In a sad, sick, perverted way, they were. Both having been subjected to the most heinous type of abuse imaginable at different times in their lives by a person they trusted.

Her eyes found the photos again as she placed the notepad and pen on the lower shelf of the bedside table for safe keeping. Vanessa wondered if Alan had ever had nightmares when he was a little boy after what his Pop did? Or after what his college girlfriend did? And if he did have nightmares, did he still ever have them now like she was? Vanessa's nightmares were just reliving what Lewis Williams had subjected her to upstairs in the cabin, over and over again.

His power, his hands, his mouth, his weight, his menacing.

Her cries, her tears, her fighting, her struggling, her fear.

Vanessa hadn't woken up screaming since she was rescued, but she always seemed to wake up crying. She never knew anyone could cry in their sleep, but she was learning quickly that it was possible. As she reached over to switch off the bedside lamp, she paused and smiled at the photograph of herself and Alan. She would be seeing Alan again Friday night, here at the Leonards house, for a farewell dinner before she returned to New Jersey with Olivia and Alex beginning on Saturday. She had been given money to buy a plane ticket from her family, but she felt it was too soon to be in such confined quarters with noone that she knew to accompany her after being incarcerated in that dimly lit cellar of the transient cabin for so long. Sure it would only be a short flight back to Newark from Augusta, but it was too claustrophobic. Then after that, a taxi ride home to Hackensack, alone with a taxi driver... more than likely male... no. Not yet, too soon. Maybe when she returned to Winthrop for Alan's award ceremony in Augusta in mid December it would be easier to fly. But for now, at least in the car returning home she could see open space, and Alex could pull over at any time if need be. Also she felt safe with Liv and Alex too.

Switching off the lamp after a final glance at the photographs, Vanessa settled down and slowly drifted off to sleep. An unknown amount of time had passed when Vanessa's eyes flew open, roused from her dreamless slumber, by a scream.

Not a scream of ecstasy or of wanton passion, but a scream of terror. A scream of unrestrained and unbridled fear. The red head knew that scream well enough, hearing it many times even when she wasn't in the cellar, but in the upstairs room during those 128 days.

Torturous scream.

Terrible scream.

Olivia's scream.

* * *

Alan arrived back at his small rented cottage near Carlton Pond. Walking over to the small brick fireplace in the lounge room, he adjusted the 2 photo frames already adorning the small shelf that made up the mantle. One photo frame contained a closeup image of a very young Alan Irvine with his head of light brown curly hair, freckles, a big cheesy smile with those adorable dimples hugging his mother tightly around her neck, an "I'm 5 Today!" badge pinned to his T-shirt. The other was a double photo frame of a teenage Alan hugging his Grandma in each image: one in his prom tuxedo looking quite dashing and debonair that was taken before his date arrived; the other in his high school graduation cap and gown, his dimples again on display in both photos.

Now nestled between those photo frames was the photo Kelly had taken of himself and Vanessa, once again his dimples were out of hiding. He put the photograph of Alex, Olivia, Vanessa, himself, Melanie and Kelly next to it. On the other side of the photo of his Mom and himself, he placed the photo of the 'Manhattan' ladies. Then on the other side of himself and his Grandma, he placed the image of the 'Winthrop' workers. He made a mental note to buy new frames for them as soon as possible.

Alan's eyes darted to a smooth, curved and yet somewhat pointed item in front of the photo of him and his Mom. He picked it up and held it tightly in his hand, the same way he had over the years. It was heavy and cold to the touch, but he knew how long it would take to warm up in his hand. He looked at the photograph of his Mom for a time, then nodded his head, as if having a private conversation with the woman. Opening his hand again, he looked at the item resting in the palm of his hand.

"I think I found that someone pretty special for this, Mom. We're  _just friends_ , but I really think I want her to have it. Especially after everything she's been through."

He placed the item back in front of the photo of his mother, grabbed an old, bulky manuscript from a drawer in the sideboard near the kitchen, then made his way back towards his comfy lounge chair opposite the fireplace. He looked at the acoustic guitar on the guitar stand in the corner of the small lounge room before he sat down. Not tonight. He never sang the songs that meant something to him or the ones he enjoyed out aloud, he just strummed the strings with the guitar plectrum and moreso sang them in his head. Even then, he always played when he was alone, never in front of anyone else. And even while he was dating his girlfriend in college, he never played for her.

Maybe one day he would play for someone?

_Just friends_  did that sort of thing... didn't they?

He began to flip through the large manuscript page by page, pausing every few pages or so before continuing on. This, right here and right now, was more important than playing the guitar tonight. Stopping on a particular page after almost 20 minutes of searching, he looked up at the photographs and smiled.

Perfection.

* * *

"So, what culinary delight are we having for dinner?" Olivia looked towards the Leonard women.

"The  _hell_  I'm cooking tonight after the day I had at work," Kelly shrugged before she took a mouthful of beer from the bottle. "Damn hypochondriac patient that's positive they've got Stage 4 lung cancer when all they have is mild asthma."

Melanie placed her gin and tonic down, "Don't look at me! I only cook when I'm told... asked. The less cooking I do, the happier I am."

Kelly spoke before sipping her beer again, "I  _know_."

"Yeah, but  _honey..._   _you_  cook so well!"

"It was the only decent thing...  _Mother_... taught me before she kicked me out. Besides, if  _you_  had your way, all we'd ever eat was macaroni and cheese with bacon bits."

"Grains, meat and dairy... what's the problem? Add a handful of frozen peas and corn while the mac's cooking for vegetables... it's basically the food pyramid in a meal!" Mel said, knowing it would rile the doctor up.

Kelly rolled her eyes, cradling her head in her hands. "Oh, good lord!"

The 3 other women chuckled at the banter between the married women.

"So who's cooking then?" enquired Alex.

"As soon as he gets here, Alan is. Just as he was leaving on Wednesday night, he privately offered to cook for all of us seeing tonight is your last night here in Winthrop," Mel answered.

Olivia's eyes met with Vanessa's for a beat before she stood up, and excused herself from the table on the deck.

"You ok?" Alex whispered.

The SVU detective didn't answer as she left the table as fast as the walking boot would allow. Alex stood to follow after her, but Vanessa was already pushing her chair back under the table. "Alex, let me go after her. I think I have a fair idea what's going on."

The ADA acquiesced Vanessa's request as she sat back down, trying her best not to worry.

"I'm  _fine_ , Alex!" came the immediate retort as Vanessa a knocked on the main bathroom door. "I'll be out in a few."

"Not Alex."

Liv opened the door a few moments later, "Nessa?"

Vanessa entered the bathroom and closed the door behind her, observing Liv returning to the wash basin and splashing water on her face. The defense attorney had always been helped by Olivia as best she could when they were in that cellar, comforting and reassuring her. Now Vanessa knew it was time to reciprocate and help Liv.

"I'm  _alright,_ " Olivia brushed aside the concerned look from Vanessa as she dabbed her face dry with the fluffy towel. "I didn't vomit if that's what you're thinking. I just needed a few minutes."

"No, you're  _not_  alright. I saw  _that_  look more than once in that room. You and I both know there are things that Alex will never understand... things that only you and I will ever comprehend, because we lived it, survived it. Now we're dealing with its aftermath."

Olivia smoothed her hand over her forehead, "I know."

Vanessa pressed further, "You think Alan's going to drug the food, because  _he_  did. You don't trust Alan cooking for us."

"No! It's not that I don't trust Alan, it's just..." Liv tried to search for the words to explain so's not to offend the red head.

"You're scared, because of what happened... of what possibly  _could_  happen?"

Olivia explained as best she could as Vanessa hugged her reassuringly, "Kind of. It's an irrational fear, and I  _know_  it's irrational... but it's there. I wasn't expecting to have Alan cook for all of us, and that fear of possibly being drugged just suddenly crept up on me... overwhelmed me. I  _never_  reacted like this in hospital or when Kelly or Mel have cooked for us."

"It's not irrational if you think about it. Lewis drugged you  _so_  many times Liv, so many more times than me. You and I both know it was always,  _'Did he drug it this time?'_  or _'Which one of us will it be the unlucky one?'_ when he brought down that tray with the tacky little flower. Honestly, I'm scared too. I know Lewis will rule parts of my life...  _our_  lives... for some time yet, but I don't want  _him_  to rule everything in our lives any more. He did that for 128 days more than he should've."

"I know. It's just  _food_ , for crying out loud. I don't even know if it's because Alan's a man or what. But I'm realising I'm viewing and processing things differently now. Things I would never have thought of, Ness."

Vanessa pulled back, "So am I. When I was at the airport with Val and Ronnie, I was on edge constantly when I saw a male anywhere near us... near me. It intensified when it was just Ronnie and myself. Fearing that any man was going to do what Lewis did. Constantly wondering _'what if?'_... but Alan isn't Lewis, Liv. I trust Alan, just like I trust you."

"Like I said, I just became so overwhelmed at the possibility. Almost like a flashback to the cellar and I wasn't expecting it. I trust Alan too, Nessa. He seems like a really nice and genuine guy."

"He is. We're just friends... but... Alan and me, we're... very similar. We understand each other and he'd never hurt any of us."

Liv knew she had to tread carefully with what she said next, "He understands you because he's been through a similar experience. He's been abused or sexually assaulted in the past."

"How did you-"

"I'm an SVU detective, remember. It's not the first time I've heard a survivor say that they... understand... to another survivor."

"So you  _knew_  what he meant when I asked you about what Alan said about understanding?"

"I had an... inkling, and hoped I would be wrong. I don't like it when things such as that are confirmed though."

"It's not my place to really say anything, but I think that's a fair assumption, Liv." Vanessa said, still wanting to protect the rookie's privacy. "We better get back out there. I think we've been away long enough."

As both women made their way back towards the deck, they saw Alan out of his uniform and dressed in casual clothes, walking towards the kitchen with a box of groceries in his arms. "Hey Vanessa, Detective Benson."

"Hi Alan." Vanessa called out, then whispered quietly out the corner of her mouth to Olivia, "So, are you going to give Alan and his cooking a chance?"

Liv acknowledged the Sheriff Officer then whispered to Vanessa, "Yeah, of course I will. You joining us back on the deck?"

Vanessa hesitated, "I might... see if... Alan..."

"Wants a helper?" Liv suggested.

"It would be... rude... of me not to offer," the red head tried to convince Olivia and justify to herself how to spend a little more time with Alan, but not be so obvious.

"Everything alright, Olivia?" Alex asked as soon as Liv returned to the deck.

Liv dropped a soft, chaste kiss on Alex's forehead before she sat down next to the blonde, "Yeah I'm fine now. I  _promise_  I'll tell you later tonight."

Alex smiled, she knew Olivia  _would_  keep her promise.

* * *

Olivia repeated over and over again in her mind as she prepared a forkful of chicken, vegetable and tarragon pie with a polenta and parmesan crust from the ramekin on her plate, 'Alan is  _not_  Lewis.' She had a fair idea as to how long it would take for the drugs to take affect if the food was drugged. Even though she trusted Alan, there was that tiny sliver of doubt all thanks to Lewis Williams.

"This is  _good_! Where'd you learn to cook like this?!" Alex wondered aloud as she looked at Alan.

"My Grandma taught me. This was always one of my favourite meals growing up with Grandma... and Pop. But I changed it from a puff pastry crust to polenta for something different. I just wanted to share it with you ladies. I know it's not fancy food, nor will win anything like a Michelin star, but I love it."

"I don't care if its fancy or not, this is delicious!" Vanessa tried to sound casual, "The woman that snaps you up will be one  _lucky_  lady, Alan."

"No, I'd be the lucky one," Alan muttered as he shook his head.

Mel raised her eyebrow when she heard Kelly moan as she ate. The Sheriff had only ever heard those sorts of moans in the bedroom, "Alan... you are now officially my 'phone a friend' lifeline when I have to cook for Kelly."

"Fine by me. It's kinda difficult to cook for one person all the time... especially when I like to cook. I usually end up making it for 2 and having leftovers every other day."

"How about you come over once a week to cook for Kelly and I?"

"Alright, I'd love to. Your kitchen is much nicer and newer than the one in the cottage."

Without missing a beat, Kelly remarked, "You  _still_  have to cook Melanie, you don't get to substitute Alan's cooking for  _your_ cooking."

"Ok!" Mel grinned slyly.

"And babe, Mac and cheese is  _not_  a meal."

"Damnit!"

"How about I teach you a couple of  _really_  simple recipes to impress your wife, Sheriff?" offered Alan.

" _How_  simple?"

"Like... 3-4 ingredients simple."

Mel thought a moment, remembering those glorious noises Kelly had made eating. Kelly had never done that in all the years they had been together, "Deal!"

Kelly raised her bottle of beer, "I'd like to propose a toast. To making new friends... and my wife  _willingly_  learning to cook more than Mac and cheese, or stirfrying vegetables that comes out of the freezer... or microwaving TV dinners.  _À votre santé_!"

"To your health!" Mel said, "And new friends!"

"New friends!" Vanessa and Alan added in unison.

"Cheers!" Alex added, then noticed Liv wince as she raised her glass, "Are you ok?"

"Just the baby is just being a little boisterous right now. She must want to join in the toast."

"The  _baby_?!" Alan was totally stunned.

"Ah, you're out of the 'sisterhood' loop. Alan, I'm pregnant. The man you shot dead ISN'T the father." Olivia informed the rookie, mentally adding 'thank god'.

As Alan congratulated her and Alex, Liv's eyes quickly swept the hexagonal table. Noone had collapsed or dozed off. She knew the fear was baseless and unfounded but after what Lewis did, the fear of certain things, sadly, was still prevalent. Olivia now knew for certain that she could trust everyone at the table with her life, and always would.

* * *

"Vanessa, a word if I could?" Kelly asked as they waved Alan off for the evening.

"Sure, what about?"

"Not here. In your room... privately."

As Kelly closed the door to the guest bedroom, she asked the red head "I'll slip straight into doctor mode right now, have you menstruated yet?"

"No," Vanessa shifted over on the edge of the bed to allow Kelly to sit down next to her.

"I want you to see your OBGYN when you get back to Jersey. Or if you haven't got one, go and see one."

"Why? It'll be because of the stress I was under, right?"

"I  _hope_  that's what it is, but I want you to have some tests done to be sure. If it _isn't_  because of the stress you were under, and it's not checked out now, you may have problems later on."

"What like?"

"Conceiving, if you want to have children. Do you know if your mother had problems?"

"I guess you could say that. It was 5 years after Mom and Dad were married before my twin sisters came along. Another 5 years passed before I came along. They always joked about all the practice they had trying to fall pregnant with the twins, and I think they'd officially given up trying when I came along. They always said I was the surprise baby."

"What about your sisters?"

"Umm, Both Veronica and Valarie had miscarriages early, but fell pregnant the next time they tried."

"That's not uncommon for women, but it could be something hereditary too. A woman at your age... her menstrual cycle  _should_  be regular."

"I was regular before I was taken."

"Ok then, that's a plus. I still think you should get checked, just to be sure. Make it a priority."

As Kelly left to check Olivia's scars and foot for the last time, Vanessa grabbed the notepad from the lower bedside shelf and added to it.

**PRIORITY #3:** _OBGYN_

* * *

Alex called out as she placed Olivia's bag in the trunk, "Is that everything?"

"Ah! No, I've forgotten something. I'll be back in a minute," Vanessa proceeded to return inside the Leonards house.

"I'll help you!" Alan followed a step behind.

"How chivalrous of our young Winthrop rookie," Mel muttered quietly, trying not to laugh as the 4 women watched the red head and the Sheriff Officer reenter the house.

Olivia chastised the Sheriff, "Oh, leave them alone... they're just friends."

Kelly chuckled, "Do you remember what it was like when  _we_  were ' _just friends',_ Melanie?"

"Yep. All that denying the blatantly obvious. Hey, were you 2 ever  _'just friends'_?

Alex shook her head in the negative, "Ah, I don't think we could call our relationship that. Friends yes, but I think we've been more _'complicated'_  than ' _just friends_ '. The timing was never right."

Liv agreed with the ADA, "Definitely  _'complicated'_. But I think we're finding our way now. One thing's for certain, we're each others rock."

" _That_  we certainly are, Olivia." Alex reached out and interlocked their fingers.

"Oh yeah, that's us! Kel is absolutely my rock, I don't know what I'd do without her."

"Mine too, Melanie."

* * *

"You didn't need to help me Alan, I was just getting the list I made for my job possibilities. I left it on the lower shelf of the bedside table," the red head held up the notepad as she saw the rookie waiting in the doorway. "Rather not forget this list than have to try and rewrite it when I get back to Jersey."

"No matter what job you choose, Vanessa, I have a feeling you'll do it very well."

"Thankyou."

Alan approached slowly, "Honestly, I wanted to speak to you privately before you left."

"Ok, what about?"

"Vanessa... actually, I want you to have something. Could you hold out your hand for me? Please?"

As she held her hand out, she observed Alan put his hand inside his Sheriff Officer jacket pocket, then remove it. His hand clenched in a fist obviously holding something precious inside. He unfurled his fingers and passed the item into her wire coathanger burn scarred hand, directly where the 2 burns intersected her palm. Whatever it was, it was heavy, cold and smooth. Using his other hand, he gently clasped her fingers around the object before moving his hands away.

"You can look at it now."

Opening her hand, she looked down at the item. The shape not missed by the red head, "It's a heart shape pebble."

"Well, yeah... there's  _that_... or..." Alan spun the smooth river stone around so the point of the heart was facing himself, the double curves facing Vanessa, "... it  _could_  be an 'A' shaped little rock." He traced the upper case letter over the stone in Vanessa's palm with his index finger. "Maybe you'll think of... me... when you look at it, or hold it? See, my Mom named me Alan because it meant 'little rock'... _I_  was  _her_  little rock. Dad took his own life before I was born... it devastated Mom, because  _he_  was  _her_  rock. The only thing that kept Mom going was the fact that she was pregnant with me. Dad found this, and gave it to Mom the day she found out she was pregnant with me. Mom told me I had to keep it until, if and when, I ever met someone pretty special..." Alan looked away to avoid eye contact, stuffing both his hands in his jacket pockets, attempting not to seem bashful, but ultimately failing. He was very much a quiet, private person. An introvert, never letting anyone get too close that he wasn't comfortable to be around. But his intuition told him Vanessa was someone he could be himself around, she knew his history now and didn't pity him. For the first time since he was in college, Alan truly opened up out of his shell, "... I think you're pretty special, Vanessa Meyer."

It definitely wasn't a declaration of full blown or outright love, but it was certainly more than a declaration of platonic friendship. It was a declaration of... something.

Something special?

A declaration of _just friends_ , perhaps?

Vanessa looked down at the rock, then up at Alan, "This is-"

"Probably stupid."

"-the nicest gift anyone's  _ever_  given me."

Alan downplayed the red head's response, "It's  _just_  a rock, Vanessa."

The defense attorney knew that was true, but also knew the rock meant  _more_  than that to Alan. Instead she said, "Your Mom sounds like she was wise naming you. What else did she say?"

Rubbing the back of his neck, Alan tried not to be embarrassed about what he said next. "She said the name Alan also meant 'handsome', but I don't know about  _that_."

Vanessa knew that part was absolutely true and wanted to voice her opinion, but kept it to herself. "Like I said, your Mom sounds like she was  _very_  wise. What about your middle name?"

"I don't have one. I'm just plain old Alan Irvine."

"Well, I think you live up to your name meaning quite a lot. You've been very helpful and kind to me, listening to my story and not freaking out or pitying me."

"I could say the same about you."

"Even though I've only known you a short while, it feels as though we've been friends a lot longer than that."

"I know what you mean." Alan passed over one of his Sheriff Officer cards, "If you need to talk to anyone that...  _understands_... what you've been through, you call me. Any time. Day or night. I've put all my contact details for when I'm off duty on the reverse. The cottage phone number, my cell phone, email... all that stuff. It's probably better to call the cottage if you want to talk to me. You gotta remember that reception around Carlton Pond's not the best."

"So you've told me. And the same goes for  _you_ , Alan. Any time you need to talk... call... email... text... or Skype." Vanessa wrote down her details on a fresh piece of paper. "Or write me even. I enjoy writing."

"Maybe I will," Alan smiled, his dimples appearing.

The was an awkward silence before Vanessa spoke, "C-can I give you... a hug... again?"

Just like the first time, Alan opened his arms and allowed Vanessa to go at her own pace.

Just like the first time, the hug was neither too short or too long.

Just like the first time, for the both of them, the hug was nice.

Each pulled back slightly, briefly studying the others face. It wouldn't take much effort for either of them to close the small space between their lips, but neither of them would do that. They were just friends after all.

* * *

Alan sighed as the Prius reversed out the driveway, heading towards Augusta. Alex had quietly told Sheriff and the rookie she would go that way to avoid driving through Lewiston for Olivia and Vanessa's sake, as the 6 new friends all exchanged their goodbyes.

Kelly rested her arm around the rookie's shoulder, "Just remember, a wise man once said there's these things called  _phones_ , and  _emails_ , and  _texts_  and  _Skype_. That should tide you over until we visit your Snow White soon enough, you'll be surprise how fast 6 weeks will fly. Try being away from someone that you care about for 6  _months_!"

"She's not my Snow White, Doc! Vanessa and I are _just friends_! "

Mel tried not to laugh, "So you keep  _saying_!"

"We're  _nothing_  more than friends, Sheriff!"

"So  _stop_  being the 8th Dwarf then!"

" _8th_  Dwarf?" Alan gave a puzzled look to his superior.

"Yeah...  _Mopey_."

* * *

"What's that?" Alex noticed Vanessa looking at something in her hand out the corner of her eye.

"Nothing really... just a... special  _little rock_  I found by the side of the road when I went for my walk after my Major Case interview," Vanessa replied, remembering a certain Sheriff Officer as she spoke. She smiled internally, knowing her answer was not only the complete truth, but also a blatant lie.

Alex looked again as they pulled up and waited at the set of traffic lights near the Maine Turnpike ramp, "Looks like it's a heart shaped stone to me."

"Yeah, it does a bit. That's what I thought when I first saw it too." The defense attorney pocketed the river stone, and in the back of her mind somehow knew that Alan would be  _her_  rock, no matter what. "I think it was too special to not take it back to Jersey with me."

"Hey, is Olivia asleep? She's very quiet back there."

Vanessa turned slightly looking back over her shoulder to the rear driver's side, "Yeah, she's out like a light."

"Thank goodness." Alex sighed in relief as she began to drive again. Liv had reluctantly taken the back seat of the Prius, but everyone had agreed that taking the back seat would be better for Liv with her foot still encased with the walking boot. At least she could stretch out along back seats or raise her foot up of she wanted to.

"She's having nightmares, isn't she?"

"Unfortunately she is. I don't think she's had a full nights sleep yet. She's been napping during the day, at least then she's sleeping more peacefully. Hopefully she'll sleep all the way to Boston."

"So I'm not the only one having nightmares."

"You too? Oh Vanessa, sweetie. I'm sorry."

"It's ok Alex. I know you can't do anything about it, and I can't either."

"Did either of you have nightmares while you were in the cabin?"

"Liv dreamt about you... a lot. Calling out for you when she slept. But no, we didn't  _have_  nightmares while we were in that cellar because we were  _living_  the nightmare." Vanessa explained as she held the heart shaped rock tightly in her hand, hidden from view in her jacket. "Thank god we were  _finally_  rescued."

**_Close your eyes, close your eyes,_**  
**_And relax, think of nothing._**  
**_Everything's all right,_**  
**_Yes, everything's all right, yes._  ~ Kate Cebrano as Mary Magdalene (Everything's Alright - Jesus Christ Superstar)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so we wave goodbye to our Winthrop friends for a couple of chapters :-(. But don't worry, we'll see some of them again real soon :-). Oops, my muse is screaming "stop spoiling it!" ;-)


	32. Chapter 32

Quietly opening the rear passenger door, Alex studied Olivia's slumbering form for a short while. With the safety belt securely in place and lightly snoring once again, Liv's head was slumped forward, her chin resting on her chest. The right side of her forehead pressing against the back support of her seat and her arms crossed over her stomach protectively. Her right leg was extended out on the back bench seat and her encased left foot resting on the floor, bent at the knee. The ADA whispered to Vanessa, "She looks so peaceful, I don't have the heart to wake her now we're here in Boston."

Vanessa kept her voice just as quiet, "Then we won't. Let her continue to rest if she hasn't been getting decent sleep lately. I know I used to fall asleep in the car when I was a kid... maybe if she doesn't wake up soon we keep driving rather than waking her?"

"We intended to stay overnight and leave tomorrow for home so I wouldn't be too tired driving us all back. Driving up the afternoon you were both rescued, I had Don Cragen to swap with."

"How about we just stop here for lunch. If Liv wakes up while we're here, we'll stay. Otherwise you could let me drive for a while? Even if it's for an hour. Maybe we swap back in Providence? It's been a while since I've driven..." Vanessa lied, " _especially_  from Boston to Providence seeing I went to Brown, but I'm sure I can remember how."

"I hear you, I'm a Harvard girl myself. Well, we haven't booked any accommodation in Boston, so I guess we could keep going after a break. You'd be alright with that?"

Vanessa looked down at her watch attached loosely around her wrist, "We'd be back in New York and Jersey no later than 5 this afternoon."

After buying some refreshments for all 3 of them and finding a small park with amenities, Vanessa and Alex took their time having lunch at the nearby picnic table while leaving the rear passenger side door open to have a clear, unobstructed view of Olivia in case she woke up. Both lawyers had chatted during the drive, but Vanessa had been happy to watch the landscape change and listen to music, simple things she hadn't been able to do in the cabin.

Alex unwrapped her chicken salad sandwich, "So, how are you going with those job options I suggested for you?"

"Right now, 2 of them appeal more to me than the others... but that might change in time. I'm not going to make a hasty, spur of the moment decision though." Vanessa took a sip of her iced tea, "To be honest, I think I should talk about each of them to my therapist... whoever that will be. I don't want to make a rash decision and then have it blow up in my face by being triggered or something similar."

"I think that's a wise decision," Alex responded after swallowing the bite she'd been chewing.

Something had been playing on the red head's mind for a while, and only Alex could answer it. "Hey Alex, was it difficult being away from your family for that year when you did your ICC tenure?"

"Unfortunately, both my parents are deceased. My father died when I was 13, and my mother died when I was in Witness Protection. I've got some cousins on my father's side, but we're not close. I probably wouldn't even recognise them now because it's been so long since I last saw them. The only family I  _really_  have is my Uncle Bill, my mother's brother. I missed him while I was away, but he supported my decision to go."

"What about being away from your friends and Liv for a year?" Vanessa ate a forkful of garden salad.

"I won't lie... in one respect it was, but in another it wasn't easy being away from Olivia for that year. But our relationship was quite different back then... not like it is now."

"She told me about the both of you having a big fight after you were assigned back to SVU and that your relationship was strained during that time, and the reconciliation after you came back from the Congo."

"Really?"

"Uh-huh. I learnt a lot about Elliott and Kathy, Cragen, Fin, Munch, Amanda, Nick, Melinda, Casey, your friend Serena and Liv's mother Serena, Rafael, Brian and Doom too. But as I said before,  _you_  were the  _constant_ topic of conversation for Liv. It kept her focused on something positive in the shitty situation we found ourselves in. Even though I'd never met you Alex, it made me realise how much Liv  _really_  does love you, and she'd do anything to protect you."

"Olivia being taken away from me for those 128 days was much more difficult then me being away from her for a year. The not knowing... other than she and you were alive... was the  _worst_."

Vanessa broke the short silence, "I kind of think that's how Liv feels about what may or may not happened with  _him_  when he drugged her. Not knowing if she was raped or not."

"I think you're right. For her, it throws up so many 'what ifs'."

"The thing is  _I_  said those words he wanted, but she didn't... she wouldn't. No matter what, she wouldn't give him the satisfaction."

"But his MO was rape and torture. Olivia was unconscious so many times and for so long each time, he could've done  _anything_  and she'd be none the wiser. If baby Brianna had been  _his_ , it least it would've confirmed her fears. But now she's right back where she started... the unknown."

Vanessa decided to steer the conversation to a nicer subject, "Any further discussion on baby names?"

"Just her middle name so far. But we've got some time to figure it out, I just hope we can decide as easily as we did for Brianna."

"A small suggestion, if I may?  _Please_  don't be like my family and name her something with a 'V'... we're  _all_  'V's."

" _All_  'V's?!"

"Yep. Mom's Victoria... Vicky for short, Dad's Vincent... Vince or Vinny. Valarie can only shorted to Val. Now do you see why I don't mind being called 'Nessa or why Veronica prefers Ronnie."

Alex smiled, "Ok, no 'V' names on either sides of the list, I promise."

"Any personal thoughts on a name then?"

"Well, Olivia and I both agree a name that means something... appropriate to us. That's why we want to look up names."

Vanessa clasped her hand around the river stone in her jacket pocket, "I think that's a lovely idea."

"I know we both don't want ultra modern new names, if that makes any sense?"

"Classic names then?"

"I think that would be the best way to describe it. Not to say that  _any_  of these will make the final cut, but names like... Charlotte, Jasmine, Mia, Ella... those are the types of names we like."

"So... no Apple?" Vanessa giggled, holding the said item aloft in her hand.

Alex popped the last bite of her sandwich in her mouth, "No way in hell will she be named after a piece of fruit!"

Vanessa bit into the apple trying not to laugh, "What about Clementine?"

"Our daughter will  _not_  be named after a  _type_  of citrus fruit either...  _nor_  a western folk ballad!" Alex shook her head in disbelief, "God, that still feels weird."

"What's weird?"

"Saying ' _our daughter'_. I still can't believe Olivia's having a baby or that I'm going to be a Mama."

"You'll be a great Mama, and Liv will be a great Mommy. I know I'll be a great Auntie, I've had practice."

"You're lucky, I don't know the first thing about babies!"

"First time parents  _never_  do, they just wing it. Both my sisters said they same thing when they found out they we're pregnant."

Alex was quiet for time but then all of a sudden started laughing.

Vanessa was puzzled, "What?"

"I'm just realising how unconventional my relationship with Olivia is. We're always saying our relationship is best described as 'complicated', I'm realising how true that is."

"What do you mean?

"Think about it. Liv and I, we've known each other since September 2000 and we knew we liked each other but never said anything, we just danced around the issue. I was shot and presumed killed but was put in WPP. I was allowed 5 minutes to let Olivia know that I was in fact alive. When I came back for the trial, I experienced the most memorable time of my life with her. I was put back in the program and when I finally exited it was like neither of us could get on the same page. When we finally  _did_ , there was so much animosity between us because we broke promises to each other. So I went and did my ICC tenure, and when I came back we started up our little dance again. Elliott retired and Brain came into the picture. Just as Olivia and I finally get on the same page, she's taken and Brian's killed. Now we're having a baby together, and yet we've  _never_  even been on a proper first date. Everything's about our relationship has been done out of order. I don't even know what I officially am to her... apart from being her rock. Am I her girlfriend? Am I her partner?"

"That is definitely what I'd call complicated, but I can safely say you're officially 'the love of her life' and that's the best thing to be."

"That's what she is to me... the love of my life. But you know what... no matter how unconventional it is, I wouldn't change a thing about our relationship. Well, Olivia being abducted and myself being shot I would probably like to change... but even then, she wouldn't be pregnant with the baby." Mentally adding, 'and we never would've had that night in the motel either'. Alex glanced over to the car seeing Olivia still hadn't woken up, then looked back at Vanessa, "Please don't tell her I told you this... but... even though we haven't even properly dated yet, I'd love to marry her one day."

"You would?"

"Absolutely. I'd love to introduce Olivia as my wife to people, or be introduced as Olivia's wife. I want a relationship as strong and Melaine and Kelly's with Olivia... and with our daughter."

"I'd love to have something like that with A... " Vanessa quickly corrected herself before she said what she was going to say, "... a wonderful man that understands what I've been through. Someone that'll respect my decision if I don't want to be intimate for along time but who'll love me just the same. Someone who'll let me take things slowly and in my time. I mean  _eventually_ , therapy first."

"For  _that_  to happen we need to go home."

Vanessa rose to her feet, "Let's go then."

Approaching the car after each used the amenities while the other kept an eye on the car, Alex couldn't help but grin. She lowered her voice again, "My Sleeping Beauty's still asleep?"

"She is, and she's moved!"

Olivia's legs were both up on the bench seat now, her head still slumped forward but now to the left and away from the seat. Her right hand was still resting on her stomach, but the left was resting on the her thigh. She stirred slightly, but resumed lightly snoring.

"She's gonna have a sore neck when she wakes up," Vanessa cringed.

"Most likely... but the longer she sleeps, the better for her wellbeing." Alex handed Vanessa the keys, "You're driving."

* * *

Stretching out the knot in her neck, Olivia sat up then looked down at her wrist out of habit but she was as yet to strap the large Breitling watch in place. The afternoon sky was the only indication of time. "Where  _are_  we? We  _should_  be in Boston by now!"

Vanessa spoke up, "Actually, we're a couple of miles off New Haven."

"Connecticut?! Damnit Alex, we were stopping in Boston overnight so you could get some sleep and not drive tired!" Olivia said with exasperation, still trying to stretch out the knot.

Alex turned around from the passenger side, surprising the brunette. "We did, Olivia. We had almost an hour break and swapped. Vanessa's happy to keep driving and I'm happy to let her."

"Why didn't you wake me then?!"

Alex gave Olivia a kind smile, "Because you were sleeping so peacefully, you needed the rest. Neither of us wanted to disturb you."

Olivia gave the blonde a sheepish look and mouthed, 'Thankyou'.

The ADA mouthed 'I love you', before resuming speaking aloud. "Now, you hungry? You have fruit salad, banana bread, and a giant oatmeal choc chip cookie. Your apple and mango juice mightn't be that cold though."

"Yes I'm hungry... the salad and cookie for now. Oh, and the bathroom would be appreciated too."

* * *

Pulling up in the driveway of a double story house in Hackensack New Jersey, Vanessa couldn't help but smile. The small 2 bedroom house (1 converted to a home office) in the same neighbourhood that she grew up in wasn't anything outstandingly lavish or flashy, but to Vanessa Meyer, it was  _her_  home. Surprisingly, the front yard looked as though it had been mowed only in the last day or so. As Alex and Olivia helped Vanessa her bags, the front door suddenly flew open.

Vanessa's eyes widened in surprise, "What are you doing here Ronnie? Did  _Dad_  ask you to check up on me?"

"Ness, you knew me better than  _that_!" Veronica hugged her youngest sister, "I was getting your house feeling like a home again seeing you were gone for all that time, but you've come back a day earlier than I anticipated. I'll only stay for a just couple of days until you're settled back in."

"How did you know when to expect me? I never told you a specific day when I'd return home."

"Officer Irvine called me after you left this morning and gave me a heads up. I got the first available flight up immediately. I've only been here a couple of hours. Even got the neighbour's son to mow the lawn for you."

Vanessa's hand clasped around the heart shaped stone in her pocket and tried her best not to sound nonplussed, "H-how did Alan have  _your_  number?"

"I slipped him a business card at the airport before I flew home, just in case you needed me."

"Ronnie, I don't have a spare bed for you."

"You have a futon lounge, that'll have to do me. Look Nessa, I know you like your independence and respect you want to do this by yourself, but I want you to know I'm here for you. I wouldn't be a good big sister otherwise. You know I'm  _not_  going to do the helicopter hovering like Mom and Dad did when we were growing up... and before you say anything, I know they did it  _much_  more with you and slipped back into that mode quite easily up there in Maine. I'll go back home to Richmond by Wednesday or when you ask me to leave, whichever occurs first. Deal?"

"Thankyou," Vanessa hugged her eldest sister tightly.

* * *

Opposite Alex and Olivia, Veronica spoke as she sat down in the futon lounge next to her sister, "Detective Benson -"

"Ronnie, call me Olivia."

"Olivia, where does Nessa go from here?"

"As I've told her, one on one and group counselling is quite beneficial." Olivia turned her attention to the young defense attorney, "Nessa, what I'll do for you is when I go to the precinct on Monday, I'll get you the numbers for the New Jersey counselling centres that our SVU's recommend."

"So soon?" Alex quirked an eyebrow.

"Seeing we're back a little earlier than planned, I'd like try and see Doom and Brian's mother tomorrow of we can arrange it. Then I might as well go and see what the Captain wants sometime Monday... get that out of the way."

Alex reminded the brunette, "I thought you might wait a little while before going in seeing Mondays are usually busy at the precinct. Don said it wasn't urgent, remember. You can see him any time during your 2 months mandatory."

"Which is  _why_  I'd rather get it out the way as soon as possible, Alex. Then I can work on my own recovery, therapy and start making the appointments I need for the baby."

"Ok then," Alex relented.

"What about a therapist for me, Liv?" Vanessa asked.

"My recommendation to a lot of the survivors I've had dealings with over the years has been Doctor Peter Lindstrom. I would certainly recommend him for you, but he's located in Manhattan. I can get you some names of therapists in New Jersey if you'd prefer to travel less," Olivia offered.

"No, if that's who you say is the best, then I'll see him. Are you going to see Doctor Lindstrom?"

"I know it might seem kind of odd seeing I've just recommended you see him, Nessa... but ethically and professionally, I don't think it's the best for me to personally see Doctor Lindstrom. However I'll see his associate, Doctor Galen McKenzie. He's just as good if not better than Peter. If you want and when you're ready to start therapy, I can introduce you to Doctor Lindstrom, but I think you should start rape crisis counselling first."

Vanessa voiced her fear, tears welling in her eyes. "They won't judge me, will they?"

"Why would you think they'd do that, Nessa?"

"Liv, I defended Lewis! I got him released and then he did to me  _exactly_  what I defended him of doing! They're going to think I deserved it."

"Hey, we talked about this over and over again. You  _just_  did your job, and you certainly didn't  _deserved_  to be raped.  _Noone_  deserves to be raped, sexually assaulted or abused. A number of the counsellors will understand what you want through because they were raped or sexually assaulted themselves and now they want to give back and help those women and men are in a similar situation... and to let survivors know that they  _aren't_  alone."

Olivia continued to allay the fears Vanessa had as she did while they were in the dimly lit cellar. The group of woman continued to converse for some time but finally it was time for the 2 incarcerated women to truly part ways for the first time since May 20th, and each begin their own journey of recovery. Alex gave Vanessa her contact details if the red head needed anything, day or night and let her know that she could call any time.

Vanessa clung extra tightly as she gave Olivia a goodbye hug, "Thankyou for everything, Liv. I don't know how I would've survived in that cellar without you there."

"I might have been there with you... but you survived because you're stronger than you realise, Nessa." Olivia reminded the defense attorney as she indicated the gold Fearlessness tag pendant at the base of Vanessa's throat.

* * *

Alex turned to face Olivia who was sitting in the front passenger seat. The blonde knew what the answer would be before she even asked the question but asked nonetheless, "So where do you want to stay?"

Liv's response was immediate, "Your place. I-I'm not ready to return to my apartment yet. I-I mean I  _will_  go there, but in a few days. I just don't think I'm ready to go there tonight."

"Alright, let's go then."

A wave of emotions washed over Olivia as they drove down Broadway, turning on to West 78th Street to Alex's apartment. Having been born, grown up and lived in Manhattan all her life, except for the 4 years she had lived on campus Siena College in Loudonville, she hadn't realised how much she'd missed Manhattan until just now.

With each woman carrying their respective overnight bag and the other holding each other's hand while approaching the elevator to head to Apartment C, Olivia stopped in her tracks. It was normally unthinkable to be afraid of something as simple as an elevator, but right now she was. The last time Liv had been in an elevator, she had a gun pressed into her stomach with the safety off and Lewis behind her crushing her throat. To  _now_ know the gun was pressing not only into her stomach, but into the beginning of the dividing cells that was now baby Brianna was horrifying.

Not only that, the last time Olivia 'encountered' an elevator, it was in the nightmare that involved Alex walking out of the hospital room and her life, then being led away by Lewis Williams to a fate unknown. Unable to protect the blonde from harm, essentially breaking the promise she made herself to always protect the woman that she loved.

"Are you alright?" Alex's voice brought Liv back to the here and now.

"Just a little apprehensive after what happened last time in an elevator."

"Take your time... I'm here with you."

It took Olivia a few moments before she began walking again. Even with the walking boot on, her steps were that little more hesitant, cautious. As Alex pressed the button for Apartment C after placing her bag on the ground, she felt Olivia's grip tightening around her hand and a small tremble shaking the detective's own hand. Alex squeezed her hand to remind Olivia without words that she was there with her and watched as Olivia's eyes never left the security camera in the corner of the elevator, her breathing essentially stopping the entire journey 3 floors up. Her breathing returned as the doors opened to the small alcove to the door of Alex's apartment.

As they stepped out of the elevator hand in hand, Alex turned giving Olivia a reassuring smile. "Welcome home, Liv."

* * *

Vanessa stifled a large yawn, "Hey Ronnie... I'm really tired from the driving today. I think I'm going to go to bed."

"You do that Ness. I'll wash the dinner dishes, lock up, check in on the hubby and kids..." Veronica indicated her cell phone, "... and go to bed myself. G'night sis."

After hugging her sister then closing her bedroom door, Vanessa picked up the cordless telephone from its cradle on her bedside table and dialled the number written on the back of a certain card.

"Hello, Alan? It's Vanessa... ...No, I'm not in Boston. I'm actually home in Jersey!... ...I know we were, but we changed our minds and decided to keep driving... ...No I'm not tired. I can talk to you for as long as we want..." Vanessa tried not to smile as she looked at the photograph and the heart shaped stone lying in front of it on her bedside table.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm taking a little creative liberty with 'Dissonant Voices' in this chapter. I'm tweaking it to suit my needs in the story, and to try and correct the glaringly obvious mistake in that episode. I'm sure I wasn't the only one screaming at the television during that episode. I'm also mentioning that particular episode because it fits in the current timeline of my story too :-). I must say, I've been waiting since I wrote chapter 20 to write this particular chapter :-D

**_And now my life has changed in oh so many ways,_**  
**_My independence seems to vanish in the haze._**  
**_But every now and then I feel so insecure,_**  
**_I know that I just need you like I've never done before._  ~ John Farnham (Help!)**

Olivia stood under the spray of the warm shower, trying to forget the nightmare that she had awoken with a scream that resulted in her body covered in a fine sheen of sweat and losing control of her bladder again, wetting the bed for the second time. She couldn't understand why she had slept so peacefully in the car all the way from the outskirts of Winthrop to New Haven, not once being tormented by Lewis Williams. But within hours of her being held securely in Alex's arms in the ADA's queen size bed within the large 2 bedroom apartment, she was right back there where she didn't want to be.

Another nightmare.

_Feeling the vile touch of Lewis' gnarled fingertips on her skin, taking liberty of her barely covered body for a few moments as he shackled her hands behind her back, while Olivia desperately tried to protect Alex next to her in the dim room. But he was sloppy this time. The handcuffs were loose and after a short struggle, Olivia was free. Her triumph was replaced with anguish as Alex was uncuffed and led away by the Beast, up the few stone stairs of the cabin where he constantly violated Vanessa. Giving chase, Liv was desperate to prevent the harm that she knew would befall the blonde. However, the old wooden door with the dead bolt and creaky hinges had morphed to double steel doors reminiscent of elevator doors. And once again those elevator doors slammed closed in her face, trapping her in the dimly lit cellar and separated from the woman she loved. His haunting laugh that she had heard when he assaulted Vanessa, and Vanessa's screams of unadulterated fear echoing in her dream as she clawed at the metal doors with her bare hands to save Alex, screaming her own protest._

So many questions bombarded her inner thoughts as toweled herself dry.

Had she revisited parts of that nightmare because she'd been in an elevator for the first time?

How would she handle it when she returned to her own apartment for the first time? She only had a few changes of her own clothes and underwear from her police locker, a couple of sets of hospital scrubs and gowns, and the clothes Melanie's sister in law, Heather, had altered for their picnic at the Narrows Pond. More would be required soon.

And the nightmares... night terrors. He was  _dead_.  _Why_  wouldn't he leave her alone?

He'd tortured and terrorized her enough for those 128 days before he stopped, why wouldn't her subconscious stop too?

And the other concern: the baby. Surely all this stress and worry wasn't good for baby Brianna's development?

Only 3 things were her true priority presently: Alex, the baby and herself.

Right now at this very moment, her job seemed secondary. But she wanted a return to normality too, and normality to Olivia Benson was working at SVU. Maybe after 2 months mandatory leave it might appeal more? Maybe it would appeal as soon as she walked through the doors at the 1-6 on Monday, making her champing at the bit to return after all those months away? A lot of things can change in a person's life during 2 months, or even in the blink of an eye. She could attest to that after what Lewis Williams did. No matter what, after going to the precinct on Monday to see what Captain Cragen wanted, Olivia vowed to start therapy and revisit the PSTD techniques she had learnt after her assault in Sealview. She also wondered how she would handle seeing Amanda after completing her 100 days in Bellevue, but that was Wednesday afternoon's itinerary.

The soft knock on the bathroom door pulled Liv from her thoughts. Alex entered a few moments later with fresh underwear and the split hospital scrubs, placing them on the closed lid of the toilet. Without a word, Alex gathered up the soiled clothes in the corner and turned to leave.

"I'm sorry for ruining your mattress. I'll buy you a new one," Olivia said softly, trying not to voice her own embarrassment.

"You don't need to because you didn't ruin it. I still use quilted mattress protectors on my own bed... just in case," Alex replied.

The sound of the washing machine being closed then started in the laundry room could be heard as Olivia slipped on new panties and scrub pants. Alex returned after a small tap of the door jamb, picked up the scrub top and indicated for Olivia to turn around.

Olivia did as instructed, but said something unexpected as their eyes in the mirror reflection, "Not yet."

Alex's features reflected she wasn't sure what Olivia meant.

"Can you hold me like you hold me in bed... like I held you at the lake? Please?" the older woman clarified.

The blonde nodded her head in understanding as she placed the garment back down. Her hands trailing down the scarred skin of the detective's arms, interlocking their fingers and wrapping their arms around Liv's torso. After a time and ever so slowly, Olivia loosened the grip of their left hands, placing her own hand on top of Alex's then moving both their hands higher, timidly pressing Alex's hand to hold her left breast. The blonde's palm covering the dark nipple, her pale slender fingers hiding some of the small inch long scars, her thumb resting on the cigarette burn on the upper swell of Olivia's breast. Liv moved their entwined right hands down to the small swell of her stomach, once again placing her own hand on top of Alex's when the blonde's hand was where Liv wanted it to be.

It was immediately apparent to Alex that it wasn't meant as an erotic or overtly sexual gesture, but an intimate gesture. Olivia felt she needed to cleanse her body and assuage the nightmare memory of Lewis' touch, and this was what she required right now, Alex's touch. Her warm, soft, delicate hand on the brunette's tanned body. Her pyjama clad, lithe slender body pressed against Olivia's bare, broad, scarred back with only the one wound dressing over her shield burn. Liv moved her head to the left, allowing Alex to rest her chin on Olivia's right shoulder, their eyes once again connecting the mirror.

Again, Olivia spoke softly as tears were shining her eyes. "He... ahh... he was going to hurt you... in the nightmare... just now. I tried... I tried  _so_  hard to protect you... save you... but I couldn't help in time. He took you away from me... I didn't protect you."

"You  _did_  protect me from him," Alex reminded Liv as she pressed her lips to the curve of Olivia's neck, purposely avoiding the sweet spot near her ear. "You protected me even more than I knew you did."

"Seems my subconscious feels like I'm not trying hard enough... not protecting you enough."

"Your subconscious needs to learn that I've never felt more safe in my entire life than I do when I'm with you. I trust you with my life."

Olivia glanced back over her shoulder to look directly in to those blue eyes, "I'd do everything in my power to protect you... and protect the baby. I love you... I love you  _both_  so much."

"I haven't a shadow of a doubt in my mind that you would. I love you both just as much, too."

Lifting Alex's left hand off her breast and up to her lips, Olivia placed a small kiss to the ring on her left ring finger, then turned in her arms to face the younger woman. Liv slid her arms around Alex's waist, pulling her closer. Tension that neither woman wasn't even consciously aware of seemed to melt and leave the brunette's body as she held the ADA for some time before pressing a cautious, featherlight kiss to Alex's lips.

Olivia pulled back, "I'm ready to go back to bed now."

After Alex had helped Liv put the scrub shirt, helped her back into the night splint then into bed, she was ready to get into bed with fresh sheets when Olivia spoke, "C-can I ask you to do something for me?"

"Anything."

"Would you... lay on top of me?" she asked. Alex was about to ask if Olivia was ready for something like that when Olivia continued to explain, "Before you say it, I know I'm not ready for anything more intimate than that in the bedroom or what I just did in the bathroom. I just... I  _need_  to hold you. Right now, I  _need_  to fall asleep with  _you_  in  _my_  arms... and the only way for that to happen while I'm wearing the night splint is for you to lay on top of me. You won't squash or injure me nor the baby, I just  _really_  need this Alex."

Worrying her bottom lip with her teeth, Alex relented when Olivia meekly added, "Please?"

Switching off the lamp, Alex shimmied over to Olivia underneath the bed linen and cautiously settled atop the brunette. One of Olivia's hand rested on the small of Alex's back, the other a little higher as once again she pressed a tiny kiss to Alex's lips before Alex placed her head on Olivia's chest, "Thankyou."

For the first time in what felt like a very long time, Olivia fell back asleep feeling truly content with Alex Cabot securely in her arms.

* * *

"What do I need to know about Mrs Dumas?" Alex asked as they approached the steps of Rafael Barba's Upper East Side brownstone. "What should I expect?"

Olivia paused at the bottom of the stoop, "Didn't you meet her at Brian's memorial service?"

"Umm... maybe? Possibly? Truth be told, it was all a bit of a blur that day. I had...  _someone else_... on my mind during the service."

Even though it wasn't her fault, Olivia apologised as she embraced Alex reassuringly. "When was the service again?"

"It was the day of my birthday. You'd been gone for 11 days by then."

Liv pushed a lock of Alex's hair back behind her ear, "Only one thing to know, don't call her Mrs Dumas. Call her Gloria. My question to you is: do we tell her about...  _us_?"

"I don't know if we need to or not. Joe figured us out and he'd never even met me. Maybe we just play it by ear?"

"I think that's the best way to go."

The front door of the brownstone opened and a familiar voice called out, "Benson! Cabot! It's great to finally see you ladies again. Lookin'  _fine_ , Benson!"

Olivia's mind quickly processed that Joe Dumas wasn't a threat and would never hurt either of them.

"Hey Doom!" Liv replied as Joe quickly made his way down the step, "No bear hugging today... right shoulder's still injured."

"Lucky I'm not a  _bear_ boy then. Hows 'bout a little 'I'm so glad to see you again' hug?" Joe bargained, giving both women warm hugs.

"From what  _I_  hear,  _you_  prefer well dressed ADA's."

"Much like  _yourself_ , Benson. It's so good to see your eyes light up again... the  _both_  of you," Joe commented. He watched Olivia and Alex exchange glances, then laughed heartily. "Yeah, like  _that_.  _Exactly_  like that. Come on inside, Mom and Rafael are preparing lunch for us."

* * *

"You look a lot happier than the last time I saw you, Alex." Gloria Dumas said after Olivia took the liberty to formally introduced the 2 women.

Alex nodded her head in agreement, "That day wasn't the best for everyone involved."

"I have to agree with you. Personally, I much prefer meeting people at weddings, than at funerals and memorial services." Gloria took a moment to compose herself before she offered the ladies refreshments, "Would either of you like some wine?"

"I'm the driver, so I won't drink. But thankyou for the offer," Alex responded.

"You know I would normally say yes Gloria, but I have to decline too. I didn't  _just_  come here to see you and Doom after what happened to Brian... or myself... and catch up. I have something important to tell you both. Brian might be gone, but he lives on in our hearts and memories... but also lives on in other ways."

"What are you saying?"

"Gloria, you're going to be a grandmother. Doom, you're going to be an uncle."

"You're pregnant?" Gloria asked as Olivia passed her the ultrasound image.

"22 weeks. A little girl... her middle name will be Brianna after Brian. Alex actually suggested the name."

"Come here darling, let me congratulate you! It's a  _beautiful_  middle name. Brian always wanted to have a child... children even, but he and Clarissa agreed to wait. Now they're both no longer with us," Gloria lamented before addressing Alex, "I hope you're going to help Olivia raise my granddaughter?"

"I am. Olivia has asked me to be her Mama."

"I'm glad to hear. Olivia always spoke very highly and lovingly of you, even if she didn't and wasn't able to realise it at the time. I guess what I'm trying to say is that I approve of you and Olivia. I'd be a hypocrite if I didn't, seeing I approve of Joe and Rafael. Do NYPD detectives have a 'thing' for Assistant District Attorneys?"

"I think they must," Alex gave Gloria a wink.

Doom had been very quiet at the news, but his demeanour changed as he looked down at the ultrasound image in his hand. "I'm gonna be an  _uncle_? _I'm_  gonna be an  _uncle_? Holy fuck! WOOHOO! Un-cle! Un-cle! Un-cle! Un-cle!" Joe grabbed the casually but impeccably dressed Rafael Barba around the waist and thighs, hoisting him into the air as if the male ADA weighed nothing. "Mom, you're finally gonna be a Nanna!"

Rafael tried to downplay Doom's enthusiasm, "Joe, I know you're excited about being an uncle, but you can put me down now."

"Glitter tits, you are  _so_  gonna get some man love tonight!" Doom growled playfully as he lowered Rafael back down to his feet. "Un-cle! Un-cle! Un-cle! Un-cle! WOOOOOO! GO BRI! GO BENSON! GO CABOT!"

Olivia burst out laughing, " _Glitter tits_?! Oh  _this_  I have to hear, Doom."

"Yeah, my pet name for him. Lemme explain!"

"Don't you dare!" Rafael challenged.

Doom gave his charming boyish smile, "C'mon Rafi, it's cute! When he -"

"Joe, it's  _private_!"

"...wears his pants braces, the adjusters rest right on his nipples -"

" _Joseph_!" Barba hissed.

"...It's even more noticeable when he's not wearing his shirt underneath."

" _Objection_!" Rafael said as a last resort.

Joe's response was instantaneous, "Overruled. First time I saw Rafi without a shirt on, it just popped in to my head."

Barba covered his face with one his hands, "Good grief! This is  _not_  happening. Gloria, he's  _your_  son,  _do_  something!"

Gloria raised her hand in surrender, "I gave up trying to control Joe a long time ago, Rafael. Besides, I've never seen him more happy in these last few months he's been with you."

"Rafi, admit it! You  _love_  the name." Joe teased.

"I'm not under oath, I admit to  _nothing_!"

Alex stifled a laugh, "I'll  _never_  look at you the same, Rafael."

"I have to agree...  _Glitter tits_!" Liv also trying her best not to laugh.

Barba rolled his eyes, "Thankyou, Alex... Olivia. And  _thankyou_  Joseph!"

Joe continued to tease Barba the only way he knew he could, "I  _particularly_  love it when he's shirtless but wearing the braces then he puts one of his coats on and he's got his breast pocket handkerchief in. Undressing him... _oh boy_!"

"I'm just going crawl over to the corner there and die from  _mortification_! Do you want to divulge our  _entire_  sex life to Olivia, Alex and your own mother?! Why not tell the entire SVU squad too?" the male ADA suggested.

"No, I'll keep the description of your orgasm face to myself.  _That's_  private." Joe winked at Olivia, then realised he may have overstepped the mark after what Olivia went through. "Oh geez, Benson. I'm sorry. I shouldn't... it's our usual banter, you remember? I'll just shut up now."

"Doom, I remember and it's  _fine_. I can't make everyone around me avoid the topic of sex for... who knows how long. It's part of our jobs, and I can differentiate between sex and rape. I'm glad you're getting some, you _lucky_  bastard!"

Joe beamed, "I feel pretty lucky to have found Rafi. It's kinda hard switching between the personal and professional personality at work, though. I think Cragen  _might_  suspect, but he hasn't said anything if he does."

Olivia and Alex exchanged a look but said nothing.

"Speaking of work, Alex when are you coming back?" Barba redirected the conversation, "This ADA Cox has absolutely no idea what she's doing!"

Liv groaned, "Pippa Cox has been Alex's stand in?! Oh good lord. Alex you have  _got_  to go back to work as soon as you can."

"Mike gave me a minimum of 3 weeks, so I have until next Wednesday. But I have the option to extend that for an additional week, if necessary. This Pippa Cox, she's  _that_  bad?"

Rafael handed both Alex and Olivia different copies of the children's interviews from his brief case, "Just read them. It won't take you long to see it."

"What 4 year old would use words like  _'inappropriate'_  and  _'uncomfortable'_?" Alex said in disbelief after a few minutes reading the interview Fin had conducted.

Liv's reply was immediate, "None! They'd use small descriptive words like  _'bad'_ , _'yucky'_ ,  _'icky'_  and  _'not nice'_. It's glaringly obvious that these children were coached. This one said quote, ' _Mr Jackie is a bad man because Momma said he is, so I think he's bad too'_ , unquote. The child basically admits to Amaro to being coached."

"Thankyou! And yet  _none_  of us could convince ADA Cox otherwise," Rafael confirmed bitterly. "I'm in  _no way_  suggesting that she's homophobic, but she's certainly inept and unprofessional in her judgement calls. She didn't even consult with Cutter... she just went with it."

" _Went_  with it?!  _This_  went to trial with these coached statement as some of the main evidence to establish a pattern?!" Alex responded in incredulity, waving the paperwork in her hand.

Olivia folded her arms, paperwork still firmly in her grasp. "Even when there was no fingerprints of Jackie Walker's to be found on the magic egg?! Unbelievable."

"How do you think it felt from our perspective..." Rafael indicated himself and Joe, "...when she went with it based on this farcical evidence? As a gay man, some people automatically assume that we're paedophiles. We're perverted because like grown men, so we  _must_  like little children, especially little boys."

"I feel bad for Jackie Walker. His life's been  _ruined_  by these false accusations and mud like this,  _it sticks_. It should never have gone as far is it did," Doom tried his best to hide his disgust. "I don't wanna speak out of turn, but I'm certain in saying this would  _never_  have happened if you ladies were back at SVU."

Olivia handed back the file to Rafael, "No, it wouldn't have."

* * *

Normally, all Detective Olivia Benson would do to enter the 16th precinct would be just flash her gold shield and proceed 6 floors up in the elevator. This time however, it was different. She was on 2 months mandatory leave, nor did she have her gold shield on her. She was effectively a civilian right now. She wondered if showing the large burn on her right scapula to the desk officer she didn't recognise of her detective's shield would be sufficient as she signed the visitor's book with her lightly bandaged right hand.

"SVU's on -"

"The 6th floor, I know."

She caught up to Alex who had flashed her ADA shield and waited for Olivia near the elevators. They had called ahead to let Don Cragen know that they were coming in to see what he wanted to talk to Olivia about.

"Whenever you're ready," Alex simply said.

"Just stay close to me... please?" Liv asked.

Olivia placed her hand on the small of Alex's back and guided her to the back of the elevator past a number of other detectives and unis. It was the most physical contact Liv would allow herself while still trying to stay as professional as possible, even though she wasn't on duty, and she was sure Alex wouldn't mind either. Thankfully the ride up didn't take long and Olivia exhaled when the doors opened.

Olivia gave the level area that was assigned to SVU a quick scan, noting no SVU member was in the vicinity before her eyes landed on her desk, "More mixed zinnias?"

"It's Monday in case you haven't forgotten," Alex shrugged. "They'll keep coming until you tell me to stop."

"Liv, my baby girl! You're a sight for sore eyes." Fin approached from the crib, but saw the fading injury to Olivia's left eye, "Oh shit. Bad choice of words. Glad to see you and Alex again."

Once again, Olivia's mind processed that Odafin Tutuola would  _never_  hurt her, he had rescued her from Lowell Harris in the basement of Sealview.

"Eh, I gave him a broken nose." Liv indicated the scar to the middle of her forehead, "It's all good. He got what he deserved."

Cragen's office door opened, "THE BOTH OF YOU DETECTIVES, MY OFFICE!"

"Oh hell, what have we done now?" Fin wondered as he ended his hug with Alex.

"Hey! None of this ' _we_ ' crap. I've been here not even a minute AND I'm off duty for 2 months.  _You_ probably fucked up a DD5 or something," snickered Liv.

"NOW!" Don bellowed from the door before Fin could say anything else.

* * *

"You're probably wondering why I've called you both in. You may or may not be aware that in a year I'll be retiring. Munch too. So... we all have to start thinking about the future." Don opened his desk drawer and pulled out 2 folders, "I don't know why either of you haven't ever asked about this, so I'm going to make you both step up and do it."

"Do what?" Fin voiced exactly what Olivia was thinking.

Cragen passed each SVU detective a folder, "You'll  _both_  be taking the Sergeants exam. The both of you have enough career points to do so... and if one or both of you pass, it'll make the transition within the squad easier. Detective Dumas will be staying on at SVU when Rollins returns. The Sergeants exam is earmarked for the first week of December... the 2nd of December to be precise, at the old Police Academy at Gramercy Park. It'll be the final lot of exams to be taken there before everything is transferred to the new Police Academy at College Point in Queens. Therefore, you'll both have 2 months to study and hopefully make me even more proud than what I already am of your careers."

"Hmm,  _Sergeant_  Tutuola... has a nice ring to it. What do you think,  _Sergeant_  Benson?" Fin fist bumped with Olivia.

"Bet you $50 you can't get top 100."

"Bet you $100 you can't make top 50!"

"Deal! I think  _you've_  got serious studying to do while you work, Fin.  _I'm_  on 2 months leave, all that free time to study!" Liv downplayed her mandatory time off. "Will we still be as active in the field as we have been, Captain?"

"You'll work just like you do now, but more set hours and increased wages."

"Yeah, I like the sound of that!" Odafin agreed as his cell phone rang, "Ooh It's Warner. She's probably got those autopsy results we've been waiting on. Excuse me Cap, Liv. Back to work... Melinda, whatcha got?"

As Fin left the office and closed the door, Olivia didn't move. "Umm... I need to talk to you... Dad."

Don raised his eyebrow, it'd been quite a long time since Olivia had addressed him as that, but in doing so he knew it wasn't Detective Olivia Benson talking, but Olivia Benson.

"I need you to know that... I'm... having a baby and before you think anything,  _Brian_  is the father."

"So  _that's_  what the doctor wouldn't tell me when we arrived up there? You're pregnant?"

"Yeah. I wasn't aware I was until Doctor Leonard told me. Seems my pregnancy isn't a typical one."

"I much prefer you being pregnant that what I initially assumed. I thought you had cancer."

"I didn't believe I  _was_  pregnant," Liv tried not to laugh at the memory. "How will this affect me? After my 2 months mandatory, it'll be late November. I'm officially due early February but the doctors think I'll deliver early around mid January seeing I'm an older woman."

"Maybe becoming a Sergeant will be a good thing for you? As I said, the work hours will be set and you'll have less grunt work to do. Olivia, you're a great detective, but you and I both know you work better with the victims. Getting them to open up and tell their story is the hardest part of our job, but they seem to trust you. They seem to do with Dumas too, which is one of the reasons he's staying on. When you come back, you'll be on desk duty of course, but you'll still be involved. No busting perps in the field, but you can still bust them here in the precinct."

"What about maternity leave? I've been away for so long already. Won't this affect me?"

"I don't see why not. You've been cleared by IAB and they can't discriminate just because you're pregnant. Let's just be thankful that John and I aren't retiring until this time next year. Wouldn't want to leave SVU in the lurch all of a sudden." As Don congratulated the woman he thought of as his own daughter, he asked "Is there anything  _else_  I need to know?"

"Alex and I are in a relationship. I  _finally_  told her how I felt. We're taking things slowly, but I think we'll be fine."

"Took you long enough to tell her. How about we make that 'official' with both the department and the DA's office when  _you_  return after mandatory? Give you and Alex both a little extra time?"

"Thanks, I appreciate that. We both would... Granddad."

* * *

Nick was taken aback seeing Alex sitting at Olivia's desk as he returned from the lunch run. "Cabot, what are you doing here? Where's Liv?"

"In seeing Don. I'm just waiting until she's finished, then we're going home."

"Home? Don't you think it's too soon for the both of you to start living together?"

"I don't think what Olivia and I do is any of your business, Nick." Alex said coldly.

"That... that didn't come out the way I meant it come out. Alex, can we talk privately? Please?" Nick indicated towards the elevators and snack machines.

* * *

Olivia exited the Captain's office and was approaching her desk when she saw a tall man with dark hair leading Alex towards the elevators.

No.

NO!

This couldn't be happening.

Not here, not now.

This wasn't one of her nightmares, this was real life and she  _knew_  it. Her mind processed that Lewis Williams was taking Alex right out the precinct from under everyone's noses.  _He_  had one of the guns  _he'd_  used to taunt her in that dimly lit cellar holstered to  _his_  hip. Brian's gun...  _her_  gun.

No more.

Never again.

She  _couldn't_  allow it.

She  _wouldn't_  allow it.

Protect Alex at  _all_  costs.

"ALEX, NO!" Olivia screamed, tossing the folder on her desk, disregarding her own injured foot to protect the blonde. She gave chase, and in one swift move she rammed the man face first into the wall next to the elevator, removed the NYPD issue gun from the holster and pressed to firmly to the back of his hand, the telltale click of the safely letting him know this was very real. Her voice was low and threatening, "You're dead now. YOU SAY 'THE WORDS'!  _SAY THEM_!... Say  _'Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want'_. We  _both_  know what happens to YOU if you don't say them."

Alex was shocked, "Olivia, what are you doing?!"

Her eyes were hollow and distant again, "It's alright, Alex.  _He_  won't hurt us any more."

"Liv-" the man spoke.

"SHUT! UP!" Olivia snarled, pressing the barrel harder against the back of  _his_  head, her finger ready on the trigger.

Alex tried her utmost to remain calm, "Olivia? Why are you holding a gun on Nick?!"

"It's  _not_  Amaro, it's  _him_!" Liv corrected. " _HIM_!"

"Put down the gun, Liv!" Fin immediately trained his gun on his colleague body as he came around the corner. He didn't want to shoot her, but would if he had to.

"I  _can't_  do that! I have to protect Alex. It'll only take a single bullet to end the life of this  _sick son of a bitch_!"

"Liv sweetie, give  _me_  the gun. You know I don't like them," Alex pleaded.

Olivia's eyes darted to Alex's for a second, "I can't do that.  _He'll_  keep getting away with what  _he_  did to Nessa... to me. It ends  _right now_!"

A stray tear slid down Alex's cheek, "Olivia Benson, I trust you with my life... now, do you trust  _me_?"

Her brown eyes met with scared blue ones, "You're the  _only_  one."

"So trust  _me_  now. Lewis Williams is  _dead_ , remember? Alan shot him twice in the chest. He _can't_  hurt  _us_  any more. He can't hurt Vanessa, he can't hurt you and he can't hurt me."

Slowly something clicked in Olivia's mind, "Alan?"

"Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine," she reminded her. "He's getting an award for it."

The pieces started falling into place for the brunette, "Shot Lewis dead... rescued us... helped rescue Nessa and me."

"That's right, that's right... I need you to give me the gun, Olivia."

Liv indicated the man who's fate was in her hands as the fear in Alex's eyes registered with her, "W-who... is it?"

"Nick Amaro."

"Amaro?"

" _Please_  give me the gun," Alex used the only bargaining chip she could think of under the circumstances, "You want Zara and Gil to have  _their_  father, don't you? You don't want the same thing that happened to Brianna's father, do you? Because I know you wouldn't want anything happening to her Mommy or her Mama, would you?"

Olivia shook her head, her wavering voice barely audible. "No... no."

Ever so slowly with the trembling hand, Liv lowered the gun. She clicked on the safety, dropped the weapon to the ground and collapsed in to Alex's arms, clinging to the ADA as if her life depended on it as she finally saw Nick Amaro's stunned face for the first time out the corner of her eye.

Not him.

Not Lewis Williams.

What had she done?!

Alex led Olivia to the ladies bathroom as Fin picked up the gun off the ground and Nick slid down the wall in shock. Inside the bathroom, Alex heard the brunette's breath getting shorter and shorter as Olivia splashed water on her face.

"Breathe, Olivia... breathe... inhale... exhale... calm breaths... just breathe... that's it... nice and calm... keep breathing."

"I nearly killed Nick... nearly shot him... I was so close... You were right Alex, it was too soon for me to be here... too soon." Olivia had effectively gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows in a matter of minutes. She figured her career would be in tatters now after holding a gun to the back of her co-worker. Her assigned work partner.

Who would allow her to even consider being a Sergeant?

Who would let her be anywhere near a gun?

Who would trust her?

Olivia turned to face Alex, "Sweetheart, I want to go home now."

There was only one solution possible to her dilemma.

As Alex led her past an empty squad room and a worried looking Don Cragen back towards the elevators, Olivia Benson spoke the words she never thought she'd say to the SVU Captain, "I quit."

**_Help me if you can, I'm feeling down,_**  
**_And I do appreciate you being 'round._**  
**_Help me get my feet back on the ground,_**  
**_Won't you please, please help me?_  ~ John Farnham (Help!)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Yes I know The Beatles (Lennon/McCartney) wrote and sang "Help!" originally, but that version is way too upbeat for this part of the story. I'm also aware Tina Turner recorded a similar ballad version of the song 4 years after John Farnham did. John's version is the one I'm more familiar with and I think his version is the one most befitting of the story :-)


	34. Chapter 34

The drive back to Alex's apartment was deathly silent.

Alex had initially tried to engage Olivia into talking about something else other than what had happened not 10 minutes earlier as they had approached the vehicle. Olivia vaguely registered something about shopping or food, but the detective remained resolutely quiet, her eyes fixed to looking out the passenger window, her breaths still slow, deep and calming, and eventually Alex gave up after a few more attempts. With just 2 simple words, Olivia Benson, the 1st Grade Detective with the Special Victims Unit had thrown her entire, almost 20 year career with the NYPD away in the blink of an eye. However, after what had just transpired on the 6th floor of the 16th Precinct, it seemed the only thing to do. In her mind, it was the only possible and acceptable response after pressing a loaded gun to the back of Nick Amaro's head near the elevators of the squad room. She had already had similar happen once before: 6 months after her Sealview assault, she held a gun on Master Sergeant Dominic Pruitt, and that incident alone was once too often for Olivia.

As they entered the elevator of Alex's apartment, Olivia broke the tense silence while her grip tightened in Alex's hand, "You haven't said anything about me quitting."

"No, I haven't. Should I?"

"I'm not sure, but I would've thought you'd be all over it as soon as I said it. Aren't you going to... I don't know... try and convince me that what I've done is wrong? That it was an insane, ridiculous, spur of the moment decision that I'll regret for the rest of my life like most people would? Because I'll tell you now, after what I just did back there in the squad room, quitting was the  _right_  decision."

Alex gave a half shrug, "Why would I try and convince you otherwise? I did the exact same thing, or have you forgotten? I quit as Bureau Chief... and I couldn't be happier being an ADA now."

"You quitting as Bureau Chief was  _completely_  different circumstances, Alex!" Olivia tried to justify.

"Was it?" Alex replied, a single eyebrow raised in curiosity. Her features and voice softened as she continued, "I told you Olivia, I'll stand by you  _every_  step of the way. However, I  _will_  take this opportunity to say your decision  _might_  be considered 'rash' after what happened back at the precinct... but it's  _your_  decision to make."

"That's right, it's  _my_  decision. And  _my_  decision is to quit."

"I have to ask though: what do you intend to do for work if you're not going to be a detective any more?"

"After the baby's born..." Olivia trailed off and pondered in silence, she hadn't thought that far ahead. Don Cragen's words echoed in her mind, "... maybe I'll become a rape crisis counsellor? I work well with the victims. I get them to open up easily, you know that." Her grip relaxed on Alex's hand as the doors retracted and both women exited.

"Yes,  _you_  do. But you and I both know you prefer helping the victims and survivors by putting those bastards away... just like  _I_  do." Alex unlocked the front door, "SVU's just as much my home as it is yours."

What Alex had just said was the truth. Helping the victims get justice was what Olivia loved most about her job after dealing with its heartbreaking depravity. In a way, it helped ease the personal guilt she had always carried of what happened to her own mother back in the summer of 1967. Every time Detective Olivia Benson assisted in having a rapist, child molestor or paedophile convicted and put away, it aided in washing away the pain of the justice Serena Benson was cruelly denied all those years ago.

But now the reality of her decision was setting in.

She wouldn't be working with Alex any more, seeing as though it was Alex who specifically came back to work at SVU with Olivia to begin with. No more Alex perched on the corner of her desk, no more watching Alex commanding the court room, no more knowing Alex was on the other side of the one way glass watching her break a perp during an interrogation. Just some of those interactions she had fondly remembered, that had kept her sane and her spirits up through the hell she endured inside the dim room of the cabin. Captain Cragen had said they  _could_  disclose their relationship after she returned, and if disclosed, they could work together without any fears of bias.

Then again, maybe a job change would be a good thing after what had happened in the cabin and the precinct? Vanessa Meyer certainly thought a job change would be beneficial for her wellbeing, they had spoken a number of times about it. Perhaps a new job for Olivia would be a good thing too? Her life was changing so much right now by being in a relationship with Alex and becoming a mother. At least their relationship wouldn't needed to be disclosed to the NYPD or the DA's office. Everyone would immediately assume 'lesbian' relationship, just like IAB's Ed Tucker did, but only herself and Alex; Melanie and Kelly; Vanessa and Alan; Doom, Rafael and Gloria; and Donald knew for certain their relationship was a bisexual one. Everyone else could only merely speculate. It wasn't as though either of them were in the closet with their sexuality, far from it, but Alex and Olivia were both very intensely private women. Heck, she never even told Elliott that she had been dating Kurt Moss until she had to, and if Liv had had her own way, noone would've known about that terrible relationship. What  _had_  she been thinking dating Kurt? But her relationship with Alex was much more different, so much better and important to her. She wanted to shout it from the rooftops and tell the world that they were together,  _finally_.

There were too many thoughts running through her head right now and the remains of the adrenaline coursing through her veins were ebbing away, she needed to rest. Liv indicated the bedroom, "Will you come and lay down with me?"

"I can't right now, sorry." Alex lamented, giving Olivia a soft kiss before turning and walking away. "I will as soon as I come back though."

"Why not? Where are you going?" Liv tried not to panic.

Alex walked back over and gave Olivia another kiss, "As I said in the car coming home, we  _need_  groceries seeing we were in Winthrop for some time. Last night's take out, and our brunch this morning was just a treat for us. In case you've forgotten, you need healthy balanced meals for the baby."

"Do you have to go right now?" whined the brunette even though she disliked sounding so clingy and needy.

Alex placated her, "I'm not actually  _going_  grocery shopping, I couldn't think of anything more tedious to do. I was going to order online and have them delivered like I usually do. If I get it done now, we'll have it in a few hours and I'll be able to cook dinner for us. Do you have any special food requests?"

Liv's response was instant, "Just Peanut M&M's and Reese's Pieces."

Alex tried not to grin, "Are you craving?"

"I don't know about  _that_. I just know I haven't had chocolate and peanuts for so long and I would really like some."

"Not exactly well balanced, but I guess a few packets of each will be fine. I'll be in the office if you need me. I shouldn't be more than 20 minutes, then I'll come and lay down with you. Alright?"

"Don't be too long," pouted Olivia as she neared the bedroom.

Starting the laptop computer in the office, Alex scrolled through her list of contacts on her cell phone and dialled the familiar number.

"Don? It's Alex... ...She's in the other room resting... ...I wasn't expecting her to do that either... ...Sergeants exam?! No, she never said anything about  _that_  to me. It's a fantastic opportunity for her... ...Fin too... ...The set hours would be definitely advantageous with the baby on the way... ...Thankyou. I'm really looking forward to being a Mama, and I know Liv is for being a Mommy... ...Can I say something about what Olivia did?... ...I can understand why Liv said she quit, I did it myself when I was Bureau Chief. It took me a while to understand after I walked away from the job, that the actual time away from the job made me want it more. Perhaps Olivia needs to figure it out for herself that SVU  _is_  where she really belongs, even after everything with Lewis and what happened today with Amaro?... ...Then if she is serious about quitting, and walking away is what she wants, then I support her fully... ...She'll be starting therapy on Friday... ...Alright then, I may need your help with a couple of things Don..." Alex continued to talk as logged on to her preferred supermarket's website.

As Alex eventually entered her bedroom, she couldn't help but smile as she saw what Olivia was doing. The blonde gently extracted the photograph of the both of them taken at Rockerfeller Centre out of Olivia's grasp and placed it back on the bedside table as Liv groaned a drowzy protest.

"It's ok, you can hold the real thing now," Alex whispered as she lay down on the bed and snuggled up to the brunette.

Olivia's groan of protest immediately changed to a purr of contentment as she felt a pair of soft lips press against her own.

* * *

There was a sharp knock at the apartment door. Olivia froze while stacking the dishwasher after Alex had prepared a simple dinner for the both of them, "Are you expecting someone?"

Alex gave no indication as she checked the peephole. "No, but  _you_  have a visitor."

As Olivia cautiously rounded the kitchen bench, she was suddenly taken aback. "Captain? What are you doing here?"

"Actually I called Don a little earlier," Alex clarified as she held the door open.

Cragen noticed Olivia giving the blonde a very unimpressed look and spoke up, "Alex called me and asked me to bring over the rape crisis counselling information in New Jersey for Vanessa Meyer."

The pit of Liv's stomach sank. After what had happened at the precinct and in her in haste to leave, she'd forgotten the promise she'd made to Vanessa. Her look of annoyance was replaced with a look of appreciation for the ADA.

"Thanks Cap. I'll make sure Nessa gets it as soon as possible," Olivia took the paperwork from Don and placed it on the kitchen bench.

"That's not  _quite_  everything. Everyone at SVU has chipped in and wants you to have these," Don stepped back outside the apartment for a moment. Returning inside, he was carrying a large double handled hooded Moses basket in one hand and a oversized handled wicker hamper basket in the other both filled with various and numerous baby products, toys, clothing and a pink blanket. A light brown Build-A-Bear dressed in a 3 piece NYPD officers uniform and black boots took pride of place in the Moses basket. "After everything that's happened lately, Alex mentioned that you hadn't had time to get anything for your daughter... my honorary granddaughter... so here's a start."

"That's very generous of you and the squad. Thankyou Don," Alex said taking the baskets and walking them over to the lounge suite.

Liv cleared the lump in her throat, "Thankyou. You didn't to have to... none of the squad had to."

"No they didn't  _have_  to, but they did because they  _wanted_  to. It was Amaro's suggestion for the bear seeing Zara has one herself." Cragen took a moment before continuing, "You also forget this, Olivia." He unzipped his jacket partially and passed Olivia the Sergeants exam folder.

Olivia handed the exam folder back to Don as soon as she realised what it was, "You must have a short term memory. I quit, remember?"

"I must also have a hearing problem because I  _didn't_  hear you say that."

"Then I'll repeat it now... I, Olivia Serena Benson... quit. I'll even spell it out for you, Q-U-I-T. Quit. I might be little rusty, but I could probably try signing it in ASL if that helps?"

Don shook his head in exasperation, "The Olivia Benson _I_  know doesn't give up like that. She doesn't quit or walk away from it all."

"Well maybe I'm not  _that_  person any more?" Liv shrugged as she folded her arms defensively. She didn't want to have this conversation, her mind was steadfastly made up about leaving the force and noone would or could convince her otherwise.

"I think you  _are_. I certainly saw her in my office today asking questions about the Sergeants exam with enthusiasm, betting Fin she'd beat him in the exam, telling me she's going to be a Mom, and that she's  _finally_  in the relationship she's been wanting to be in for years with the woman she loves and has been in love with for just as long... because the Olivia Benson _I_  know  _didn't_  give up, she  _didn't_  walk away and she  _didn't_  quit."

She ignored what Don had just said, "Did you  _not_  see what I did in the squad room earlier today?! Or perhaps you need your eyes tested as well as your hearing? I held a  _gun_  to the back of Amaro's head. Fully loaded, safety off! And I was this close..." Olivia displayed a tiny gap between her thumb and index finger before refolding her arms, "... to pulling the trigger and shooting my work partner."

"But Liv, you didn't pull the trigger. Alex talked you down and made you realise what you were doing... that she was safe from any harm. I'm not sure anyone else would have been able to that."

Olivia was having none of it, "I should be in Rikers by now! You should arrest me for assault and attempted murder of an NYPD detective!"

"Well I won't be doing that. Noone saw anything."

"Don't be absurd! Both Nick and Fin saw  _everything_. So did you for that matter!"

"No complaints were lodged against you for your conduct, so in my books nothing really happened."

"So what? We all just... sweep it under the carpet? Forget about what happened and go on with our lives, blatantly ignoring what I did?"

"Absolutely not! I'm sure you'll get the help you need with your PTSD just like Rollins did with her addiction. But I'll make a deal with you,  _Detective_  Benson. It's  _not_  negotiable. No matter what, you're  _still_ on your 2 months mandatory leave, fully paid for by the department. I'll get that leave extended for you until the first day of December. That's a Sunday.  _If_  and  _only if_  after those 2 months mandatory and that extra time have passed and you're  _still_  adamant you're going to walk away and quit the force: then on Monday the 2nd of December  _instead_  of sitting the Sergeants exam with Fin at the Gramercy Park Academy, you'll come to my office at the 1-6 with  _this_  Sergeants exam folder and a signed, formally written letter of resignation, and hand it to me...  _personally_. Only  _then_  will I accept your resignation from the NYPD."

Liv rolled her eyes, "Why bother waiting all that time only to delay the inevitable? I'll type it up for you now. Won't take any more than 5 minutes, Captain."

"The 2nd of December Olivia, and  _not_  a day before!" Don said with finality as he dropped the folder on the kitchen bench when Olivia didn't move to accept the folder from Cragen's hand.

* * *

_Captain Donald Cragen,_   
_Special Victims Unit,_   
_6th Floor,_   
_NYPD 16th Precinct,_   
_325 W 45th Street,_   
_New York, NY 10001_

_Dear Sir,_

_I am writing to formally notify you that I am resigning from my position as a 1st Grade Detective at the Manhattan Special Victims Unit within the 16th Precinct of the New York Police Department, effective immediately. My last day of employment with the NYPD will be December 2nd, 2013._

_I appreciate the opportunities I have been given during my time with the Special Victims Unit and the New York Police Department, as well as your professional guidance and support throughout my career._

_I would like to take this opportunity to express my deepest and utmost respect for each and every member of the entire squad (past, present and future); and wish yourself and the Special Victims Unit the best of success in the years to come._

_If I am required to assist with the transition of my departure, please do not hesitate to let me know._

_Sincerely,_

_Olivia Benson._

With the computer screen and small desk lamp her only source of light, brown eyes scanned the computer screen for a final time before Olivia clicked on the 'print' icon. She sighed in relief when she discovered that the computer printer Alex had was very quiet. Removing the printed letter from the catcher, Olivia picked up a pen from the desk. Pen in hand poised above the space for her signature, Olivia hesitated. Why didn't she just sign the damn letter and get it over and done with? She placed the pen back down and decided to sign the letter in Don's presence on December the 2nd just to prove her point to the man she considered a fatherly figure that she was quitting. She placed the resignation letter inside the Sergeants exam folder and went to close it, but curiosity finally got the better of her. Thumbing through the pages, it became apparent that inside the folder was 2 different mock Sergeants exams, a study guide, a small list of study books and of police exam tutorial websites that could also help achieve better scores. She knew from what John Munch had told her years earlier, the better the score the faster the promotion. She began reading one of the questions in the first mock exam, her mind already processing possible answers. She didn't know why she was doing this seeing she was walking away from her NYPD career. Maybe it was her way of proving to herself she  _could_  do it, but was  _choosing_  not to.

"Whatcha doin' in here?" Alex yawned from the door, a fluffy towelling robe over the top of her pyjamas. "It's nearly 3 in the morning, sweetie. I got quite worried when I woke up and you weren't beside me."

Olivia immediately closed the Sergeants exam folder, clicked the exit button closing the document program entirely, then clicked on the website browser tab she already had running in the background. "I couldn't sleep. _Someone_  woke me up." Liv wasn't sure if the ADA had seen her perusing the contents of the folder, or if Alex had, she was keeping quiet.

"Did I-" Alex began to ask, but stopped when Olivia shook her head and pointed to her stomach.

"Seeing I was awake, I started writing down and taking a look at some baby names. Hope you don't mind?"

Alex approached, "It's alright, you can use my computer at any time. Any names you'd like to make our daughters?"

Liv picked up the notepad beside the laptop and quickly counted the names she had written down, "8... so far."

"Better not have any names beginning with 'V' on there," Alex said with a light chuckle as Olivia passed over the notepad.

"No. No 'V' names. I know about Nessa's family all beginning with the letter 'V'," Olivia indicated for Alex to sit down on her lap.

Alex scanned the names as she picked up the pen. Dividing the page in half down the centre, the ADA added 6 more names on 'her' side in quick succession before handing the list back to Liv.

Liv snaked her arm around Alex's waist holding her closely, "I like all of those. Do you know what any of them mean?"

"Not yet, I just know I like those names. What about the ones you've written down so far?"

"I know the meaning of a couple of those names I've written down but not all of them yet. I'd only really just started looking them up." Liv placed the notepad back on the desk, "That's 14 names so far, how many do we stop at? I don't want a list that's half a mile long to trawl through to decide."

"How about we make it... 10 each of names we like  _and_  know the meaning of? There might be some names we like here on the list already, but don't like the meaning of. I think we  _should_  be able to pick from 20 different names," Alex stifled yet another yawn.

"Sounds like a plan. But no more tonight, let's both go back to bed." Olivia indicated the Sergeants exam folder, "Can I put this somewhere for safe keeping until the beginning of December?"

Alex opened one of the desk drawers on the left and placed the folder inside, "You're still intent on quitting SVU?"

"Yes." The timbre of her voice was resolute.

"That's a shame then," Alex murmured sadly.

"Why?"

Alex looked back over her shoulder, "I won't be able to call you ' _my detective_ ' any more. Even when we weren't together, I always thought of you as  _my_  detective."

"Well... you could replace that with something else?"

"Like what?"

"Maybe one day... my... wife?"

"Well, you'd have to propose for that."

"In Winthrop, you told me I already had."

"Proposals asked while sleep talking don't really count, in my opinion."

"I-"

Alex pressed a finger to Olivia's lips to silence her. "Besides, I'd like to maybe go on a few dates with you before we think about marriage. I know we had our regular 'dinner dates' after I came back from my ICC tenure, but I'd certainly like to tick  _'Going out for a number of romantic evenings with Olivia Benson'_  off  _my_  bucket list..."

Olivia's response was to pucker her lips and kiss the slender finger pressed against them before grinning.

"... Oh! And speaking of dinner dates, I love to have that dinner you promised to cook me. I've missed your cooking."

Liv's smile slowly fell away and internal panic set in. She had to think fast, "I-I'll cook you dinner when my hands are  _fully_  healed. I promise."

The mere thought of being in the vicinity of a gas burner sent fear rippling over and through her body. She knew what would happen when those blue and orange flames licked the sides of the skillet, and when she heard the unmistakable sound of metal on metal. Also she remembered what  _he_  promised to do the next time he was going to torture her, burn her, brand her, blister her skin.

Her pretty face.

Unrecognisable.

"Come on, back to bed. That's the 3rd time you've yawned now." Olivia patted Alex's thigh, indicating for the blonde to stand up, subtly changing the subject.

"Will you be rejoining me?"

"As soon as I've turned your laptop off."

Alex reiterated the same words Olivia had earlier in the day with another yawn, "Don't be too long."

After shutting the laptop down and once again looking at the names both she and Alex had suggested, Liv's eyes darted to the desk drawer that housed her Sergeants exam folder as she turned off the desk lamp.

Out of sight, out of mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> According to the Law and Order wiki "the 16th Precinct, if it were real, would be located somewhere in Midtown Manhattan between the Midtown South (14th) and Midtown North (18th) Precincts". The street that these 2 actual NYPD precincts border is W45th Street, so that's where I decided the 16th would be located :-)


	35. Chapter 35

Vanessa's eldest sister, Ronnie, looked up to see Alex's Prius turn in to the Hackensack driveway as she removed a large handful of recently delivered mail from the mail box. She gave a quick wave as Alex exited with a folder in her hand.

"I see Nessa hasn't sent you home yet," Olivia called out as she took a little longer getting out of the car with the walking boot. Kelly had told the brunette it would take anywhere between 6 to 8 weeks for the foot fracture to heal. Olivia hoped it would be the former, but the Winthrop doctor said to expect the latter. Liv didn't like the thought of the semi rigid shell still encasing her left foot by the time the Winthrop workers come to visit New York and New Jersey.

"Not yet. But as I promised her, I'll leave for Richmond tomorrow. She thinks I'll be taking an early flight, however I've booked the last available flight out, so she's stuck with me for as long as possible. It'll piss her off no end, but big sisters are supposed to do things like that to little sisters," Ronnie couldn't help but laugh as she sorted through the mail. As expected, most of it was advertising junk, but Ronnie stopped sorting when she saw there was an hand written envelope addressed to Vanessa. "Oh that's  _so_  sweet."

"What's sweet?" Liv asked as she and Alex approached.

Ronnie pulled the envelope from the pile, "Not naming any names because there isn't one on the envelope... but it seems a  _someone_  with a return address of Winthrop, Maine has written to my baby sister. I'll give you both 3 guesses to figure out who, not that you'll need them."

"A certain... Sheriff Officer rookie?" Olivia took a knowing guess.

"How'd you know?!" Ronnie said, her voice dripping with cheeky sarcasm. She flipped the envelope over and noted there was something written across the envelope seal. "What do you think  _'SUB SOLE SUB UMBRA VIRENS'_  means?"

Alex replied, "It's definitely Latin. A basic translation would be..." she ran the quote through her brain a few times to decipher the phrase, "Umm... 'Under the sun, under the shadow of green' ... or, ahh... 'Green shadow beneath the sun'."

Olivia made a face of confusion, "That really doesn't make much sense."

"It's obvious that it's a Latin motto or saying, but the term  _Sub Sole Sub Umbra Virens_ could be open for interpretation these days," clarified the ADA. "I guess it means something to Alan, and Vanessa knows what  _that_ meaning is."

Ronnie lowered her voice, "Just between the 3 of us... when I was waiting for my flight in Augusta and with the both of them for those hours at the airport, even though we were  _all_  chatting, sometimes it was like I wasn't even there when Alan and Vanessa were talking. I have to say, I really like him... but Dad seems to  _despise_  him."

"Why?" Olivia and Alex said in unison as the trio began to make their way towards the house.

"I'm not sure other than it's just Dad being Dad. You saw his reaction when Alan brought Nessa back after she want for a walk after her interview, which by the way I don't blame her doing... but that was just the start! He kept quiet when he was in Nessa's presence, but when Mom, Val and myself were heading back to the motel, he kept going on about how that  _'young boy with his hot rod vehicle is a bad influence on his little girl'_  and _'that inconsiderate rookie probably convinced his little girl to leave after her interview just to scare him half to death',_ and the best one, _'how rude that up start Sheriff Officer was to interrupt him and THEN have the audacity to tell him what to do!_." Ronnie explained, uncannily mimicking Mr Meyer's no nonsense, stern voice. "I know first impressions mean a lot to Dad, so I guess Dad didn't like Alan  _'taking his little girl for a joy ride'_  and  _'interrupting him to tell him to listen to his little girl'_."

"That's absurd," Liv muttered.

"Don't let it worry you, Olivia. My husband got treated somewhat similarly by Dad when he and I began dating, as did Val's hubby. No man would  _ever_  be good enough for his girls would be a fair summation. Sometimes I still get that feeling from Dad at family gatherings and holidays, but he's mellowed a little with me and Valarie we've both had children.  _Unfortunately_ , ol' overly protective father got ramped up ten fold with Nessa for every single stage of her life from the day of her birth. It got toned down a tad when Dad and Mom moved to Ohio, but it's come back with a vengeance after Nessa was taken by that creep Lewis. I just hope he doesn't piss Ness off more than what he already has," Ronnie replied as she held the front door open for Alex and Olivia to enter.

"Ness, you have mail!"

"In the office, Ronnie!" Vanessa's voice called out.

"And Olivia and Alex are here!"

"Ok, but I'm still in the office!"

"Follow me," Ronnie addressed the blonde and brunette as she indicated the mail in her hand, slipping the envelope back in to the pile.

* * *

Vanessa was putting the finishing touches to a letter on the computer screen when Ronnie called out that the mail and both SVU members had arrived. She looked up as Ronnie appeared at the office door, Alex and Olivia only a step behind.

"Here's your mail. It looks like it's all junk but I didn't get to sort through it seeing Olivia and Alex arrived," Ronnie lied easily as she passed the handful to her sister.

"Junk... junk... junk... supermarket specials, keep... junk..." Vanessa sorted the pile but stopped on the hand written letter. There was no name but the return address was Winthrop, Maine. She knew who it was from. She flipped the envelope over and saw the Latin words across the seal of the envelope,  _'SUB SOLE SUB UMBRA VIRENS'_. She knew  _exactly_  what the term meant. It was the Clan Irvine's family motto that translated to be:  _Flourishing both in sunshine and in shade_. Alan had told her when they had continued talking after Ronnie's flight departed. Vanessa couldn't help but smile knowing Alan had written to her already. She mentally kicked herself for not going to get the mail herself, now she'd have to wait to discover what Alan had written. In the mean time, she covered as she placed the letter in the desk drawer, "Probably just a monthly bank statement."

Ronnie kept a straight face as she exchanged a knowing look with Olivia and Alex as Vanessa's attention was focused on continuing to sort the mail.

Picking up the discarded pile, Vanessa handed it back to her sister. "Could you put all these in the recycling bin, Ronnie?"

Taking the pile of advertising junk mail, Ronnie left the 3 women in the office after offering to make tea and coffee for everyone. She couldn't help but stifle a laugh as she walked down the hallway, her inner thoughts voicing what she wanted to. 'A bank statement?! Now how would my students put it?  _That sooo lame_! Oh geez, Nessa. You got it bad for Alan.'

The younger red head clicked an icon on the computer screen, "Just printing up my resignation letter to my bosses." She took the letter from the catcher and immediately signed the piece of paper with a determined flourish. "Goodbye Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates! Hello new job... whatever that will be. I'm fairly certain I've narrowed down my options for what my new job could be, but as I told Alex on the drive back from Winthrop, I'm going to talk to Doctor Lindstrom first so I  _don't_  make a hasty decision."

Alex wondered if Olivia would say anything about her own sudden resignation from the NYPD, but the brunette stayed surprisingly silent.

* * *

In the lounge room of Vanessa Meyer's house, Olivia handed over a number of pieces of paper stapled together from the small stack of paperwork. "Nessa, this is a list of all the rape crisis counselling centres in New Jersey."

Vanessa began flipping through the pages, "I didn't need  _all_  of them, Liv. I only need a local one."

"I've given you the full list because you might not want to attend the closest one right off the bat."

The red head looked up, "Why not?"

"I'm not saying you will personally, because as I've told you before every survivors story and subsequent journey is different to the next... but it's possible you  _might_  feel uncomfortable attending the closest one, especially for group therapy in the beginning. Not that anyone attending will judge you because you'll be there for similar reasons, however there is the possibility of someone attending group therapy that  _you_  might know or that knows _you_. Sometimes it might take a while before you're ready to deal with other friends or acquaintances knowing what happened. You're in control of who knows what happened to you."

"I never thought of that. I'm so glad I have an SVU detective I can rely on and call my very close friend. Thanks Liv."

Once again, Olivia stayed silent at the mention of employment.

"It's a shame Olivia quit the NYPD then." Alex remarked matter-of-factly before she drained the last of her coffee, not a hint of malice in her voice.

Vanessa rounded on the detective, "You WHAT?!"

"I qui-"

"I heard  _that_! You can't quit, you can't just walk away!"

Olivia shrugged, "I have. I did. It's done. Just like you with Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates, I can't go back to SVU."

"Big difference! You  _knew_  I was quitting, Liv! We talked about it so many times!"

"Why are you getting so upset with me quitting, Ness?  _You're_  allowed to quit your job, but _I'm_  not?"

"You never once gave  _any_  indication that you were even considering quitting SVU when we were in the cabin. All you kept talking about was wanting to get back to work to put bastards like  _him_  away after what  _he_  did to _us_... to get  _justice_  for women, men and children that suffered like  _us_... like  _me_... and wanting so much to work with Alex again. SVU would finally be a truly _formidable team_  again, if I recall."

"Nessa, everything changed after I held a gun to my partner's head yesterday!" Olivia justified.

"You held a gun on  _Alex_?!" Vanessa gave Olivia a look of incredulousness before giving Alex a worried look.

"No, not Alex!  _Never Alex_! My  _work_  partner, Nick!" Olivia cried in exasperation at the insinuation of ever hurting the woman she loved.

Vanessa backpedaled trying to explain her response to Olivia's revelation, "I'm  _sorry_ , Liv. I-I didn't mean to accuse you... just when you said  _partner_ , I assumed Alex."

"I understand Nessa," Liv suddenly stood up. "Excuse me, I need the bathroom."

"Are you ok?" Alex went to stand as well.

Olivia reached her hand out and placed it on Alex's shoulder, "I'm fine sweetheart, I  _promise_. I just  _really_  need to pee. The baby's pressing on my bladder right now, and after that cup of tea... you get the picture."

Alex could see the honesty in Olivia's eyes and demeanour, but could also sense that the brunette needed a few moments alone.

Ronnie got to her feet, "I'll show you the way, Olivia. It's upstairs."

Vanessa waited until she knew Liv and Ronnie were out of ear shot. She kept her voice low, "Why aren't you fighting Liv on this, Alex? She can't quit!"

Alex kept her voice just as quiet, "I know what battles to fight Olivia on, and this _isn't_  one of them."

"You're unbelievable! I'd be fighting her tooth and nail on this! SVU is where she  _belongs_!"

"Vanessa, everyone else Liv knows will want to voice their opinion or berate her decision to quit,  _I_  don't need to add to it and I _won't_. She hasn't had  _any_  control of her life for these last few months, just like  _you_  haven't. She needs to feel like she's  _in_  control of her life again, or at the very least feel like she's  _taking_  control with everything else that's to happen... her recovery, the baby. If quitting is part of that process, then I'll respect her decision because I have nothing but the utmost respect for Olivia. She is  _well aware_  of my thoughts on the matter, now I need to be the one to stand by her and the decision she makes... that's _if_  she does quit."

" _If_  she does? She just  _said_  she quit.  _You_  just said  _she_  was!"

"She has until the beginning of December to either hand over a letter of resignation or take a Sergeants exam... she's convinced herself she's quitting but unbeknownst to her, I saw her perusing through the mock exams in the early hours of this morning, and  _you'll_  keep  _that_  bit of information about what I saw her doing to  _yourself_... just like  _I'm_  going to keep to myself what  _Sub Sole Sub Umbra Virens_  really means."

Vanessa felt the blood drain from her face, "Y-you know?"

"Sometimes we keep secrets to protect the ones we love and care for, and I'll keep yours." Alex reached over and gave Vanessa's hand a reassuring squeeze. "Look, Veronica saw the address on the envelope, but didn't know the Latin term. I figured it was most likely the Irvine family motto once I translated it, but didn't let on about it's  _true_  meaning... not even to Olivia."

"Alan's just-"

"A friend, I know. I think he's a wonderful friend to have. Just don't be surprised if Veronica tries to embarrass you about your...  _bank statement_ , or something of the like before she leaves tomorrow. You're not supposed to know, but FYI:  _very_  late tomorrow."

Vanessa steered the conversation away from the rookie, "Liv  _could_  become a Sergeant if she sits an exam?"

"That's what Captain Cragen wanted her to go to the precinct for. Unfortunately after being told of the possible promotion, Olivia saw Nick lead me away and she thought that it was Lewis, not Amaro. She grabbed Nick's gun and-"

"Held it to the back of Nick's head," Vanessa signed in disappointment. "She had to protect  _you_. Liv vowed to kill Lewis if she ever got the chance. She managed to break  _his_  nose and give him a black eye one time, but  _he_ was extra vigilant after that. It wasn't long after that incident that  _he_  started with wanting to know who 'Alex' was, and that's when the torture increased."

"Liv instantly quit after she realised she had come so close to shooting Nick after I made her see that he wasn't Lewis Williams and I wasn't in danger. Don came around after dinner last night and gave her the ultimatum: work on her recovery and PTSD during her mandatory, then take the exam... or personally hand him her letter of resignation on the day of the exam. She offered to write one then and there last night."

"Has she written one?"

"I honestly don't know," Alex shrugged.

"What is she going to do then?" Vanessa asked, but Alex never got to reply as she heard Olivia and Veronica returning from upstairs.

"... So an 8 year old Nessa came out with Val's brand new padded bra on her head and asked when she could get cool new earmuffs too!"

Olivia couldn't stop laughing, "She never told me  _that_  story in the cabin!"

Vanessa verbally pounced on her sister, "OH MY GOD, _RONNIE_! I can't believe you just told Liv that story!"

"Why not? She saw the family photograph on your wall that was taken earlier that exact day!" Ronnie whispered quietly in her sister's ear as she brushed passed, "Besides, you're lucky I didn't tell your _bank statement_ that story at the airport!"

The youngest Meyer gave her sister a death stare while the eldest just smirked as she sat back down, knowing full well Vanessa wouldn't say a thing to draw attention to the fact of what she had just said. It was Ronnie's way of helping her youngest sister be as normal as should could be after everything that had happened.

* * *

Alex apologised as they approached the Prius in the Hackensack driveway, "I'm sorry I told Vanessa that you're resigning before you did."

Olivia halted in front of the car and took Alex's hand in her own, "I'm not angry or upset, Alex. Truth be told, I'm kind of glad  _you_  did. I don't know if I would've told her today otherwise... I guess I'm still coming to terms with it myself, but didn't expect Nessa's reaction to be like  _that_. _That's_  the reaction I expected  _you_  to have. I thought Nessa of all people would understand."

"Liv, you have to admit that you quitting SVU is  _quite_  unexpected. I can see why Vanessa reacted the way she did. Not only was it Olivia Benson with Vanessa in that room, it was also  _Detective_  Olivia Benson that was with her for all that time, all those days."

"I know. I suppose I have to get used to everyone's reaction." Olivia once again began to unconsciously play with her ring on Alex's finger, "You  _do_  understand why I  _have_  to quit?"

Alex chose her words carefully as she caressed Olivia's cheek with her other hand, "I understand why you feel you need to quit, yes."

Olivia leant in to the caress, "I'm really grateful you didn't react like the way I assumed you would. Thankyou."

"Could I get a thankyou kiss then?" Alex asked, wanting Olivia to have some control.

Liv pretended to seriously think for a time, "I think that  _could_  be arranged."

As she lightly brushed her lips against the ADA's, the brunette snaked her free hand around Alex's waist to draw her the little bit closer. Alex hoped Olivia would deepen the kiss but Liv ended it all too soon.

"Is that all?" mock pouted Alex.

"Oh, you want  _more_?! Always good to know!" Olivia teased before she pressed her lips to Alex's again. Slowly, Olivia moved her hand from Alex's waist to slip it in to the back pocket of the ADA's jeans as she deepened the kiss, their tongues seeking contact.

" _Hey_! Stop making out on my front lawn!" Vanessa suddenly called from the front door with something in her hand, making both Olivia and Alex jump. Something suspiciously the size of a  _particular_  envelope. "Damn  _kids_ these days!"

Olivia buried her face in the curve of Alex's neck for a moment before she looked over Alex's shoulder back towards Vanessa, "I'll see you on Friday to introduce you to Doctor Lindstrom, Nessa!"

Vanessa waited until Alex drove away before she opened her letter. It only had 3 lines of text, but it said so much.

_You left just a few hours ago, but I had to write this now._  
Semper de te cogito.  
(Hope the translator on the internet is correct)

The red head smiled before she replied to Alan's short note in her head, 'I always think about you, too.'

* * *

Driving back towards the Upper West Side Olivia stated, "I need more clothes."

"Do you want to go shopping?"

Alex heard Olivia's voice waiver as she spoke and shook her head, "No, not today. C-can we go to... my a-apartment... to get some?"

"If that's what you want to, we can."

"I  _don't_  want to... not yet anyway, but I  _need_  to. Getting more of my own clothes will help me feel like  _me_. I can't keep wearing the few changes that I have."

"Ok, we'll go. But we'll have to go home first to get your apartment keys."

* * *

As Alex turned in to 89th Street Olivia suddenly said, "Please don't park in the garage."

The blonde hadn't intended to, the footage of Olivia being manhandled in to the trunk of Vanessa's now repossessed car by Lewis Williams still haunted her, ingrained in her memory. She informed Olivia she would park on the street as close as possible. Alex knew this, returning to the apartment, would be difficult for Olivia but knew it would be difficult for herself too. Not once during Olivia's kidnapping did she venture near Liv's apartment. It was too emotionally painful knowing that Olivia's own apartment was the last place she had been, possibly forever. Being under the assumption that Olivia had been shot twice for those few yet agonisingly long minutes, then she was gone without a trace. Not being aware that while she waited on the sidewalk for Don, John and ESU to reach the apartment 4 floors up, the man in the silver car that exited the garage was Lewis and that not only Olivia had been taken but also Vanessa.

Both women faltered after they exited the car and came together on the sidewalk.

"I'm scared," Olivia murmured as she looked up at her apartment building.

"So am I."

Liv immediately looked at Alex and saw the younger woman was fighting her emotions, "Why sweetie?"

"I haven't been here since the night you were taken. You sent me to get help, and then you were gone..." First one silent tear fell, then another before they finally took over. Alex didn't even bother to wipe them away. "I didn't cry here that night, I couldn't. I let Don have it with both barrels for making me leave you. If only-"

"No, don't do that. Don't begin the 'If' game, because I'll start playing it too." Olivia said as her own emotions caught up with her. Just like that first night they were reunited in that small hospital room in Winthrop, they clung to each other and wept openly, not caring who saw. Their salty tears mingling as each sought out the others lips, pouring as much love as they could in to their gentle kiss. Neither caring they were on the sidewalk in front of Olivia's apartment building on Tuesday mid afternoon for anyone and everyone to see, nor when a creep slowed down as he drove past and called out, "SO FUCKING HOT! CAN I JOIN IN LADIES?". Noone else in the world existed in the moment, except for Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot... that was until baby Brianna made her presence known, making Olivia smile in to her kiss. Before Alex could ask what was making her smile, Olivia placed Alex's hand on her stomach then placed her own hand on top. No matter what the future would bring, what hurdles needed to be faced, or whatever nightmares Lewis would torment her with, she knew Alex and their daughter would make everything better.

"You ready?" Alex choked out as she wiped away her own tears then brushed away Olivia's.

"Nope. But let's do this... together."

Hand in hand, they entered the apartment building. Like the first time Olivia stepped in to Alex's elevator, she hesitated before cautiously entering. Her grip on Alex's hand tightened, but what surprised Olivia was Alex's grip tightening as well, not in reassurance as previous times, but relaying the blonde's own anxiety. Olivia looked up at the security camera and stopped breathing as she began to remember the last time she had been in this very elevator.

HIM.

Gun.

Throat.

Crushing.

Handcuffs.

Struggling.

She flinched and gasped in shock when she felt the tips of Alex's fingers touch her cheek, but the unexpected distraction was made even more pleasant when the blonde whispered, "I love you." Olivia placed her free hand on top of Alex's, pressing it just that little more firmer to her own cheek to confirm in to herself that this was real. Here and now. Olivia moved her head to the side ever so slightly to press a light kiss to the centre of Alex's palm, "I love you too."

She wasn't sure if Alex had purposely distracted her or not, but she was grateful Alex had because before she realised it, the doors of the elevator opened.

* * *

Brown and blue eyes swept the room of 4E. Everything looked the exact same, not one item looked out of place, it was like nothing had ever happened on the night of May 20th. The one thing that was noticeable to both women was the old, stale air and the heavy scent of cleaning products. The NYPD had cleaned and removed any traces of CSU's evidence gathering of the shooting and kidnapping. No fingerprint dust, no crime scene tape, no blood on the quilt covers or on the carpet in the bedroom.

It looked like her home, but Olivia knew it was far from  _that_  now.

"Alex, I can't be here for long. This is where  _everything_  happened. This is where my privacy was invaded, where my sanctuary was violated, my safety was breached. Even though he died in the hospital, to me this is where Brian died. He bled out on the bed... I don't want to be here for any longer than I need to right now."

"Alright, we'll get what you want... clothes, underwear, any photographs and momentos you want... then we'll go. We'll deal with the rest of it at a later date."

"I can't keep paying rent-"

"You're not, _I_  am. I had your rent payments redirected from your bank account, so now they're taken from mine. Now don't do that whole 'I can't allow you to do that because I can pay my own way' speech. It's  _done_.  _No_ arguments."

"How did-"

"Power of attorney," Alex said simply as she took 2 large hard case luggage suitcases from the closet and opened them on the bed. Olivia gathered all her underwear from the drawers, a few sets of pyjamas, then not even bothering to remove the hangers, Liv bundled an array of button downs, T-shirts, pullovers and a couple of coats inside one case.

As she went to place some jeans and tailored pants in to the other case, she couldn't help but comment, "These aren't going to fit much longer if they don't already."

"We'll buy you some of those maternity belt extenders so you can still wear them for some time yet," Alex replied. "Do you have another bag for some shoes?"

Olivia opened the next closet door along with the intention to get a small duffel bag but she stopped when she saw the garment bag hanging there. Her NYPD dress uniform and 8 point hat was inside. She grabbed the duffel bag off the floor then hesitated as she reached for the garment bag.

"What's that?" asked the blonde as she took the duffel bag.

"Dress uniform."

"Do you want to bring it too?" Alex pressed as she could see the internal dilemma Liv was battling, "Maybe... maybe I'll get it put in one of those uniform display cases for you?"

Olivia chewed on her bottom lip before she came to a decision, "I think I'd like that."

* * *

"Is there anything else you can think of?" Alex asked as she wheeled the luggage cases to the kitchenette.

Olivia grabbed the photograph of herself and her mother from a shelf. It was the exact same photograph that resided on her desk at SVU. Alex made her way over to Olivia and took another photograph off a different shelf a little further down, "How about we take this one too?"

It was the only photograph Olivia had of herself, Alex and Brian together taken not long after Olivia had told Alex she was seeing Brian. Full of smiles, Olivia was in the middle with Alex to her left and Brian on her right. Liv had never noticed at the time, but looking at the photograph now she could see she was leaning that little closer to Alex as her left hand rested on Alex's waist, pulling the blonde just that bit more closer.

"Are you sure?" Liv inquired.

"I wouldn't have suggested it otherwise," Alex confirmed. "I think it's a beautiful photograph for  _our_  daughter to see her  _all_  parents together looking happy."

"So do I. Your mantle is going to be filled soon with these new photos and of the ones with Nessa, Alan, Mel and Kelly."

"And of our daughter too." Alex said. Olivia wasn't sure if Alex was joking or not when she added, "Maybe we'll have to move to a bigger place?"

The photographs were tucked inside one of the suitcases before Liv returned to her bedroom. She grabbed her jewellery box containing earrings and her simple pendant necklace that Alex also had a matching one of that they had bought many years ago. Liv also took her bottle of perfume, not before dabbing some on her pulse points on her wrist and the base of her throat before returning to the kitchenette.

"We're still going to pick Rollins up from Bellevue tomorrow?" Liv asked as she put the box and perfume safely in her toiletries bag before closing the suitcase.

"Yes." Alex inhaled deeply, the light scent Olivia's perfume and natural scent lingering pleasantly in her nostrils, removing the odour of cleaning chemicals and stale air. "You smell  _so_  nice. I've missed that scent for far too long."

Liv wheeled one of the suitcases outside the door, the duffel bag handles looped over the extended handle. "I smell like me again?"

"You smell even  _more_  like you now... absolutely divine." Alex smiled, wheeling out the other suitcase with the garment bag's coathanger hooked to the suitcase handle.

As Olivia locked the door to apartment 4E, then her eyes darted over to 4D, she knew that this would most likely be one of the last times she would ever be here. She held out her hand for Alex to take, as each wheeled a suitcase behind them, "Let's go home."


	36. Chapter 36

Today was October 9th.

Wednesday.

Day 100.

The day the patient by the name of Amanda Richards would be discharged from Bellevue's Chemical Dependency Crisis/Detoxification Unit.

Amanda Rollins stopped dead in her tracks as she saw Olivia approaching a few steps behind Alex, who had just entered her small room within the hospital. She knew this day was coming, and tried to mentally prepare herself, but now the reality was setting in. Her guilt was suddenly beginning to eat away at her as she took in Olivia's appearance. It was  _her_  fault for... everything. It was her fault Olivia's hair was short, her fault Olivia's eye was reddish yellow, her fault the backs of Olivia's hands had small bandages and pink scars on them, her fault Olivia's left foot was encased in a walking boot, her fault Olivia was taken, her fault that female lawyer was...

"Stop that right now, Rollins!" Olivia said before anyone else spoke. "I can see it in your demeanour... you're blaming yourself. You're  _not_  to blame."

"But-"

Olivia shook her head, "No."

"Liv-"

"Amanda, no! No. I've already had this conversation with Alex, and Nessa... Vanessa Meyer... and the Sheriff's Department workers in Maine that rescued us. So, I'll have it with you if I have to."

"But it was because of-"

"Lewis. Everything happened because of  _him_. Not because you did  _your_  job, not because Nessa did  _her_  job, not because Sheriff Officer Irvine did  _his_  job, or Sheriff Leonard did  _her_  job. It all happened because of Lewis Williams."

"I still feel responsible for everything that's happened."

"Then you need to forgive  _yourself_ , because I forgive you... not that I ever blamed you to begin with," Olivia opened her arms to give Amanda a hug and reassure the younger detective that she didn't hold a grudge.

"Now, come on Amanda  _Richards_ , let's get out of here. I've spent too much time around hospitals lately, and will be spending more time around them than I originally anticipated." Olivia said as Alex picked up Amanda's bag off the bed.

"Munch told me you're having a baby. I chipped in what I could for the gift baskets, but... not much income lately, y'know." Amanda cringed internally, desperately hoping they wouldn't ask too many questions.

* * *

"So what's your address so I can program the GPS?" Alex queried as she closed the trunk of her car.

Amanda began to wring her hands, "Ahh... right now... I'm gonna stay with... Fin... or Munch. So if you can just-"

"Why?" asked Alex, not understanding.

"No reason."

" _Why_  are you saying you're staying with either Fin or Munch?"

"For support, so I don't relapse?" Amanda replied, trying to convince herself even more so than she was attempting to convince Alex.

"Rollins, cut the bullshit! This isn't what we agreed on last time I saw you. I was going to be here for you when you were discharged and drive you to your apartment."

Amanda's eyes were downcast as she mumbled the reason, "I-I lost my apartment."

Alex's questions came in a flurry, "WHAT?! How?! When?!"

"A couple of weeks ago... just before Liv was rescued. What little possessions I  _do_  own have been put in storage."

" _Why_  didn't you tell me?" Alex berrated the blonde detective.

"Alex, you and your Uncle Bill has been so generous paying for my treatment here, I  _couldn't_  ask for more help. I had to take unpaid leave to even  _be_  here, and me not working for these last 100 days... I'm on minimum 2nd grade detective's pay as it is. I didn't want you to see me as a charity case! I lost  _a lot_  with the gambling and then Kim happened... and then my own shooting and pills, then Liv... so I'll stay with Fin... or Munch."

"I wouldn't have seen you as a charity case, Amanda. I would've seen you as a co-worker and  _friend_  in need of some help."

"You can't keep helping me. Once I get back to work, I'll start looking for a cheap apartment."

Olivia cut in, "Amanda, you can stay in my apartment until I figure out what I'm going to do with it, seeing I'm going to live with Alex."

"I can't do that Liv!"

"You  _can_  and you  _will_. My apartment is just sitting there, and the rent is being paid on it. I have a year left before the lease will be renewed, give or take a few months, so I might as well have someone be there rather than it be empty."

"How can you even suggest helping me after what's happened?" Amanda shoved her hands in her coat pockets.

Olivia pinched the bridge of her nose, "Because what happened _wasn't_  your fault. When will you start believing that?"

Amanda took her time before answering, "I don't want to freeload off you, Olivia. I'll pay you for the rent as soon as I get back working."

"I know you will, but you'll have to talk to Alex about rent and utility payments, she's taking care of all that now."

Alex said with a smile, "If you're a good tenant, I might be able to arrange for the lease to be put in your name when it comes for renewal."

"How?"

"You leave all the legalities to me. So, do you want to stay in the apartment? Or do you want to stay with Munch?"

Amanda's response of hugging Olivia, then Alex was enough to tell them the answer was in the affirmative.

Olivia kept her voice low as she and Alex walked to the front passenger door, "If Amanda's going to be there... I need to ask you to get a couple more things for me that I didn't get last time, just in case I can't go through with returning."

Alex kept her voice just as low, "What like?"

"The... items... that reside in my bottom bedside drawer, and the item inside my middle bathroom drawer... Jack, Dil-"

"and Vi," Alex finished off, trying not to smirk. "Do you think you could show Amanda the nickel tour while I get them for you?"

"I think I can manage that," Olivia replied as she pressed a small kiss to Alex's cheek.

* * *

Pacing in the dimly lit cellar helped relieve Olivia's stress but right now she wasn't so much stressed, but certainly more nervous than she had been lately. The drive to the Winthrop Medical Centre to find out the paternity of her daughter would be the closest thing to the nerves she was experiencing at this moment. She couldn't even understand why she was this nervous, but she was. All she wanted to do was pace back and forth the length of the lounge room of Alex's apartment, but her left foot was still throbbing after accidentally kicking her walking boot encased left foot against the bedroom door jamb this morning. Alex came rushing from the kitchen as soon as she heard the array of expletives Liv had yelled after the initial scream. The ADA didn't know what to expect as she made her way to the bedroom but visions of Olivia sprawled on the ground came to the forefront, fearing for not only for the brunette's wellbeing but also their baby. Even though she disliked seeing the brunette in pain, a wave of relief washed over Alex when she saw Olivia standing on her right foot, clutching the door frame for support with tears pricking her eyes. Alex helped Olivia hop to the lounge room, with Liv negotiating several kisses along the way to, in her words, 'help ease the pain'.

Liv knew this day would come, it was inevitable once she and Alex returned to New York, but she hadn't expected it to be here already. It wasn't the day of her first session with Doctor MacKenzie, nor the first of Vanessa's sessions with Doctor Lindstrom. That was tomorrow for the both of them, Friday.

Today was only Thursday.

Olivia heard the voices before she saw them, allowing herself to mentally prepare that this was about to happen.

"What the  _hell_  is that  _thing_  on your face?" Olivia said as soon as she made eye contact with the person that had walked through the door.

"It's good to see you too, Liv." Elliott Stabler ran a hand over his neatly trimmed, slightly greying goatee which was just that little more stubbly then the hair on his head. He knew it was Olivia's way to break the ice, not wanting him to see her as a victim of her 128 day ordeal. She had done similar with him after her sexual assault at Sealview. The former Marine and ex-SVU detective knew Olivia wanted him to see her as just that, Olivia. "I'm getting in early for Movember."

"Be glad  _you_  don't have to kiss his ugly mug," laughed Kathy as she carefully embraced the brunette before extending Alex the same courtesy, while holding a box of what suspiciously looked like doughnuts.

"Thanks a lot, Kathy! I thought you said I looked sauve!" Elliott rebutted as he hugged Alex then his old work partner. Even though Olivia hugged him back, he could feel how tense she was. It didn't surprise him when Olivia ended the hug suddenly.

"Yee... no, El. I said it  _might_  make you look sauve, but I was wrong. You look old, old man!" Kathy teased. "I got 'cop food' here, so maybe Alex and I can make some coffee, let the both of you catch up for a bit."

Alex held her hand up to indicate that she knew Olivia would want something else to drink before the brunette would voice it as she lead Kathy to the kitchen after placing the box on the coffee table.

"I'd get you to shave it off and just donate the money to the Movember cause," Olivia replied as she sat down in the lounge opposite Elliott.

"Aw, c'mon now. You're saying you wouldn't have let Brian grow-" Elliott suddenly stopped as he realised what he was about to say, "Sorry."

Olivia waved away his concern, "It's fine. Brian had one when he was undercover in Narcotics. He didn't ever want to grow one again."

"You miss him?"

"Yep... I do. But probably not in the way you might be thinking."

Elliott furrowed his eyebrows in confusion, making the wrinkles on his forehead pronounced.

"El..." Olivia chewed on her bottom lip, wondering how her ex-partner would react. Being the private person that she was, she'd never confirmed to him her sexuality, but he'd never asked either. "I'm in a relationship... with Alex."

"Cabot?! You batting for the other team now?" Elliott asked with a half laugh.

"Nope. I'm batting for the same team I've always batted for."

"Sure you are, Liv. Sure you are."

"I'm bisexual, Elliott... not a lesbian. I've been bisexual ever since I can remember, so I  _am_  sure."

"But... I always thought you were straight, with those guys you dated. But then you asked me if you gave off a gay vibe... that whole Babs Duffy thing!"

Olivia stifled a hearty laugh, "Yeah, that was really funny watching you trying not to put your foot in it. Alex and I had a good laugh afterwards about it."

"I'm glad you found me so amusing when we were partnered."

"Well, it helped with all the shit we'd seen and dealt with over the years."

"Fair point. So is Cabot... a switch hitter... too?"

"Still with the baseball euphemisms?" Olivia made a conscious effort not to roll her eyes.

Elliott shrugged, but Olivia knew it was his way of dealing with these things due to his upbringing of strict Catholic. She remembered the time Elliott initially referred to Cheryl Avery as a 'he-she', and the subsequent ass chewing she gave him for doing so. He seemed to get better dealing with LGBTQAI issues after that, but sometimes he'd slip back in to what Olivia called his 'Elliott' mode.

"Yeah, we both are. We're both attracted to men, and we both attracted to women... but we're both attracted to each other even more. So don't be an asshole and ask who the man in the relationship is. Just because I'm in a relationship with a woman, it doesn't make me a lesbian. It doesn't make Alex a lesbian either. We're in a relationship and we're both bisexual... it's as simple as  _that_."

"I guess that explains that Robert guy," Elliott commented as he held his hands up in surrender. "You and her always did have a bit of a... 'thing'."

"We did. We do. And we have more than that now. She hasn't left my side since we reunited in Maine and I'm grateful for her."

"So you're jumping from one relationship to the other, don't you think that's a bit fast?"

Only Liv and Alex would  _ever_  know that Olivia had ended her relationship with Brian the night before everything happened, that was  _their_  secret to keep. Instead, Olivia asked "What's the mandatory waiting time to begin a new relationship? It's not like we're living in the Victorian era where you have to dress head to toe in black and mourn a person for at least 2 years before you can even consider to start living your life again."

"I see your point."

"Good! Because to me, Brian died in my apartment the night he was shot and I've accepted he's gone. Brian's mother, Gloria, approves of Alex and myself. So does Brian's brother, Doom. I love her, El... I've loved her for a  _very_  long time, and Alex and I... we're going to be a family."

"Huh?"

"I'm pregnant."

Elliott's eyes zeroed in on Olivia's stomach, "That sick bastard Lewis?!"

Olivia shook her head, "Brian.  _Now_  do you see why I'll miss him. He never got to know we was going to be a father, and I never knew I was even pregnant until after I was rescued."

Elliott made a disbelieving face, "How could you  _not_  know? Kathy knew by 6 weeks for all the kids!"

"Ask Kathy, she's the nurse." Liv suggested.

"Ask me what?" Kathy reappeared with Alex, both with a steaming mug in each hand.

"How a woman can fall pregnant back in late May and not know about it until late September?" Olivia said as she took her mug of chamomile tea from Alex, before Alex sat down next to her.

Kathy placed both mugs on the coffee table, "Oh El, that's  _lady_  stuff that you don't like to hear about. Menstruation..."

The ex-Marine clamped his hands over his ears, "ARGH! LALALALALALALALA!"

"... Breakthrough bleeding, that sort of thing."

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LALALALALALALALA!"

Olivia nodded, "Yeah, breakthrough bleeding. That's what I had."

"You're pregnant?! When are you due?" queried Kathy as she reached a hand over to congratulate Liv.

"LALALALALALALALA!"

"Officially, our little girl is supposed to arrive the 9th February. But she could be -"

"Be earlier. I completely understand. Congratulations on a little girl... the  _both_  of you," Kathy indicated to Olivia then Alex. "I know Elliott's not the most... understanding, shall we say... but I know you both well enough to know you'll be great Moms."

Olivia interlaced her fingers with Alex's, "Thankyou Kathy, it means a lot."

"IS IT SAFE YET?"

"Yes Elliott, it's safe!" Kathy tugged at her husband's arm. "If you need help with anything... a baby shower or-"

"Thankyou for the offer, but no baby shower. Well, certainly not in the foreseeable future. I'm still taking things slowly and I don't want to be overwhelmed by clucky women wanting to know all the details. But Kathy, would you mind taking Alex shopping for some baby stuff today? With my foot in this cast I can't walk for too long, and I know Alex wants to get some things bought and set up before she returns to work."

Alex knew why Olivia had suggested it, she was well aware Liv wanted to talk to Elliott alone. They had already discussed it last night in bed and this was the easiest way.

"Sure. What have you got so far?" Kathy turned and faced Alex.

Alex replied, "Not much really seeing we only found out about the pregnancy after Liv was rescued. I'll show you what the squad's chipped in for before we go, but I think a crib and change table would be a great start."

"A 4 in 1 combo would be ideal. We had one for Eli when he was born." Kathy could see the confused look growing on Alex's face, "A 4 in 1 combo grows with the baby. Starts off as a crib, to a toddler bed, then a day bed, and eventually a full bed."

"I think that's we want. Liv?" Alex turned to face the brunette.

"Yeah, I like the sound of it." Olivia placed a hand on her stomach, "She likes the sound of that too!"

"By the way, how old is Eli now?" asked Alex.

Elliott answered, "He'll be 6 in November."

"Wow! It only seems like a couple of years ago now," commented Olivia.

"Hey, wouldn't it be cute if Eli and your daughter got married!" Elliott suggested.

Kathy cringed, "I'm not sure Olivia and Alex appreciate you matchmaking their unborn daughter, El. Maybe wait until she's at least... I don't know... 16?"

Alex chimed in, "Try 21."

"More like 30!" Olivia corrected before suppressing a chuckle. "Our daughter will date whoever she wants, just like her Mommies."

The four continued chatting about the Stabler's children as they had their doughnuts and beverages, bringing Alex and Olivia up to speed on each child over the last few months. Olivia was thankful for the normality and relished every moment of it, because she knew what was going to happen later would be difficult... to say the least.

* * *

After Alex and Kathy left to go baby shopping, Olivia told Elliott about the Lewis Williams case from the very beginning. How try as they might, they couldn't pin anything on him and the resulting mistrial; Lewis Williams being in her apartment and Brain's shooting; her and Vanessa's abduction; the brutal physical torture they were both subjected to, even showing him some of the burns and cuts on her arms and hands, and the chaffing scars around her wrists; and subsequent rescue by the Winthrop Sheriff's Department without going into the finer details, avoiding her own uncertainty regarding her possible sexual assaults entirely, but briefly mentioning Vanessa's. She also talked about her IAB and joint FBI/Major Case interviews, but again keeping the finer details to herself. However, she let her thoughts be known about Tucker's harassment and his over zealous attempts to get her to admit to killing Brian and wanting to be in a 'lesbian relationship' with Alex.

Elliott blew out a long breath after Olivia finished, "Do you think the outcome might have been different if I was still there?"

"When I was in the cabin, I thought about a few times... going over all different scenarios. But to be perfectly honest Elliott, I don't think it would've made an iota of difference if you'd still had been with the squad with just myself, Fin and Munch... or if you were still there at SVU with Munch and Fin, and we had Rollins and Amaro too. Lewis was  _good_... too good. He was like one of those damn hagfish, so fucking slippery! I don't even think the outcome would've changed if Alex had been prosecuting..." Olivia suddenly trail off. She just realised that the outcome could well have been  _very_  different. Lewis would've known  _exactly_  who Alex was.

Stabler watched as Liv took a moment to compose herself before he tackled the next subject, "Sooo... a little bird tells me you have the opportunity of becoming a Sergeant, but instead you're quitting SVU."

Liv's head whipped around, "Who told you?"

Elliott ignored the question, "Well you're not denying it, so you  _are_  quitting."

" _You_  did!" Olivia shot back immediately.

"I  _shot_  and  _killed_  a 12 year old girl in the squad room, Liv!"

"El, I nearly  _shot_  and  _killed_  my partner in the squad room on Monday!"

"Jesus Liv, you've got PTSD and I'm not surprised after hearing what you've told me what you went through, and I  _know_  you haven't told me everything. There's a big difference between  _nearly_  doing it and  _actually_  doing it. Big difference!"

Olivia rolled her eyes at the comparison, "Maybe I've had enough? I've been there a while now, just like you!"

"I'd been at SVU for a good few years  _before_  you joined and became my partner."

"And I've been there a few years  _since_  you retired from being my partner."

"Liv, I took 3 months from the shooting to actually putting in my papers... 3 months! I thought long and hard about my decision, so should you!  _Don't_  make a spur of the moment decision you'll regret, because you  _will_ regret it for the rest of your life. I never told you this, but even up to a few days beforehand, I was  _adamant_  I was still going back to SVU... but one night was lying awake and I started thinking about it all...  _really_  thinking about it. About everything that had happened over the years, and the shooting... I'd done everything I could, and I knew my heart wasn't in it any more."

"How do  _you_  know  _my_  heart isn't in it any more?"

"How do  _you_?" Elliott challenged. After a short silence he spoke again, "I don't know about you Liv, but being indoors right now when we can be outside in the fresh air instead... let's go for a drive."

* * *

Olivia struggled not to react with panic as she entered the elevator. Each time so far she had Alex by her side, but this time, even though she had Elliott with her, she felt alone. She made her way to one of the back corners so she could keep an eye on the security camera and also Elliott at the same time. She couldn't fathom why because she trusted Elliott for the 12 years they were partnered, but right now and after everything that had happened, there was a tiny element of doubt. Needing to feel close to Alex, she began toying with the Fearlessness plaque.

Elliott watched Olivia out of the corner of his eye, "You ok?"

"Yeah."

After the doors of the elevator slid open, Olivia waited until Elliott has disembarked first before she exited.

Olivia looked around as they made their way down the sidewalk, "So where's the 'Stablermobile' parked?"

"I guess wherever Kathy and Alex are shopping right now."

Liv stopped walking at that statement, but Elliott indicated to keep moving. "Just a little further, I promise."

It took a moment for Olivia to recognise the vehicle they had approached, "This is  _my_  Mustang! How do you-"

"Kathy and I came over in both cars so you can have your car back. Don got the keys from your apartment when he returned from Maine. He asked me to get your car in good working order for you when you got back, seeing it's been idle in your parking garage for the past few months. I replaced the battery, changed the oil and took it for a quick test drive."

"Don't even think of lying about how far you've driven in the car, I know  _exactly_  how many miles should be displaying."

"Only from the parking garage, out to Queens and back to Manhattan... an maybe a few extra miles when I took Kathy for a drive. I couldn't say no to Kath when she asked," Elliott ran a hand over the hood of the black 1965 Ford Mustang convertible after unlocking the passenger door. "Maybe with 4 of the 5 kids grown up now, Kathy'll let me get something like him."

"Her," Olivia corrected as she got in.

"Excuse me?"

"Her. My car is a  _her_ ," Olivia closed the door, winding the window down.

"Does  _she_  have a name?" Elliott tried to suppress a laugh as crouched down to talk through the opened window.

"Of course she does!"

"And it would be?"

"None of  _your_  business."

Elliott muttered under his breath as he stood back up, "Probably Alex."

"Not even close, Elliott. Now shut up, take the roof off, and drive!" Olivia slipped on her sunglasses, not wanting to wait another moment longer than necessary to feel the wind in her short hair. "And Kathy'll  _never_  let you have a car like  _this_... not even after Eli's all grown up."

* * *

Turning off West 78th Street on to Columbus Avenue, Elliott continued to drive south before veering on to 9th Avenue.

"You better not be going to turn on to 45th," Liv muttered darkly as they approached the street that the 16th Precinct was on.

Elliott quickly glanced at Olivia before he resumed keeping his eyes on the road, "Why would I do that? We're going to go for a drive out to Queens... to that little take out place that makes those tuna salad subs you like and the burgers with the works that I like."

"Haven't had one of those subs since we worked together."

"Neither have I with the burger, and I live near it. Kathy would kill me!"

"So, why are we still heading south?"

"We can't take the scenic route of Manhattan? When the hell am I gonna get to drive a car like this again?"

A short time later, Elliott turned on to West 20th Street and headed east as the road eventually became a one way street.

"What is  _this_? A guilt trip down memory lane?!" Olivia stared straight ahead after she realised where Elliott had stopped the car. The NYPD bollards, the Photo ID Checkpoint and the A.D 1962 building foundation year stone of the Gramercy Park NYPD Academy were directly opposite where the Mustang had just parked on East 20th Street.

"Be honest Liv... don't you want to clip that Sergeant's badge to your belt and give Ed Tucker the ultimate  _'fuck you'_ , with perhaps a one finger salute thrown in for good measure to him by declaring your relationship with Alex?"

Olivia continued to avoid looking at the building, but Elliott had a valid point. The idea of doing that to Ed Tucker was definitely appealing, especially after what he did to her during that interview. No! She was quitting. She'd typed her resignation letter after all, and nothing would change her mind. As Elliott pulled back in to traffic, Olivia opened the glove box, removed a CD she had burned and popped it in the CD player before turning up the volume.

"Driving music?"

"Why not?" Liv replied as an unmistakable drum beat and guitar riff began.

* * *

Olivia reeled back in disgust as the tuna smell hit her nostrils. To her, it was more like tuna stench. Maybe it was the pregnancy hormones, or the fact she hadn't eaten seafood for so long, but she couldn't even consider eating one of her favourite sandwich subs right now.

"Swap," Liv indicated both meals with a wave of her finger.

"What?!"

"Swap!"

"No way!" Elliott pulled the burger closer to himself.

Olivia growled through gritted teeth, "Give me your burger!"

"Do you how long I've waited to have one of these?"

"I'm pregnant, and that sub stinks. Now, do you want me to loose what I had for breakfast all over the table?"

"You're  _not_  getting my burger!"

"Give me that burger or I'll tell Kathy you ate one of those burgers, and you also denied a pregnant woman food."

Olivia couldn't hide her grin as she took a large bite of the hamburger while watching Elliott pull a face as he ate the tuna salad sub, "Can you go get a packet of Peanut M&M's or Reese's Pieces too?"

* * *

Popping a Peanut M&M in her mouth, Olivia assumed they were heading back towards 72-12 Castleside Street in Glen Oaks after lunch. However, Elliott continued towards Manhattan before turning right near Flushing, then pulling in at the College Point Multiplex Cinemas.

Her eyebrow quirked above her sunglasses, "We going to see the latest blockbuster?"

"You know Liv, for a detective you're not very observant." Elliott stated as he pointed opposite to the nearly completed building at the construction site across the road.

The new College Point NYPD Academy.

" _Again_  with the guilt trip?"

"Think about it. You and Fin would be the  _last_  cops to become Sergeants at Gramercy Park Academy when you pass the test... and the  _first_  cops to become Sergeants at College Point Academy when you get your shields. I'm not sure many cops would be able to say that."

"You're so sure I'd pass?"

"C'mon, Liv! If Munch could pass on a bet,  _you_  can. Fin can too."

Olivia asked, "Why didn't  _you_  ever take the test?"

Elliott snorted, "With all the black marks I had on my jacket from IAB and psych evals... I doubt I would've had enough Career Points to sit the test. But you Liv... you have a great opportunity waiting for you. Just promise me you'll take your time before you make a decision of quitting. Or at least think it over during your mandatory time off."

"How about... I'll think about thinking about it."

"That's all I wanted to hear," Elliott replied before the engine roared to life. The song with the distinct drum beat and guitar riff began once again after Olivia skipped back to the start of the CD.

* * *

As Elliott passed Olivia the keys to her Mustang after parking it in the designated car park of Alex's apartment, Olivia said a name. "Betty."

"Huh?"

"Betty. My car's name is Betty."

Elliott grinned, "She's a sweet ride."

"She certainly is."

"Does Alex know your car has a name?"

"Yes, because she suggested the name."

"You really think Kathy wouldn't let me have a car like her?"

Olivia patted her ex-partner on the back, "Not a snowball's chance in hell, Elliott."

**_Whoa! Black Betty, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_Whoa! Black Betty, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_She really gets me high, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_You know that's no lie, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_She's so rock steady, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_And she's always ready, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_Whoa! Black Betty, (bam-ba-lam)_**  
**_Whoa! Black Betty, (bam-ba-lam)_  ~ Ram Jam (Black Betty)**


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a psychiatrist or therapist, so if what Doctor Lindstrom and/or Doctor MacKenzie do and say is wrong, I apologise in advance.

"Do you think Liv and I might have to get a different car with a baby on the way?" Alex asked as she and Kathy continued wandering around the baby store.

"I doubt a baby capsule and pram will fit in that Mustang."

"No, I meant  _my_  car. There's no way in the world would I ask Liv to get rid of Betty, that's  _her_  car."

Kathy chuckled, "Betty?! The car has a  _name_?!"

"Funny story, actually."

"Do tell, and don't spare the details."

Alex pondered a moment on whether to reveal the details before eventually relenting, "Olivia had pulled up at a set of lights in Lower Manhattan... the hood down and the radio was on, and this other car pulled up beside us... a fairly modern Chevy Camaro convertible. Camaro-boy starts revving the engine at the lights, so Liv turns to me and gives me this wink... an almost cheeky, naughty wink... and she revved back."

"She  _didn't_!"

"She  _did_! Passenger-boy starts bullshit and trash talking to Liv, saying how  _she_  wouldn't know how to handle a car like a Mustang, but maybe _we'd_  like to handle something  _easier_  like their ' _stick shifts_ '... and he stands up and grabs his crotch to emphasise the point."

"I bet  _that_  impressed the both of you no end."

"Oh, you're telling me!" Alex laughed. "I tell her she's crazy even  _thinking_  about drag racing them and she just tells me to hang on tight. I couldn't believe an NYPD detective was going to drag these  _assholes_. Liv turns the radio up and the song 'Black Betty' came on moments later, and she says 'excellent driving music'. Long story short, we catch a quick change of traffic lights on Park Avenue. Liv takes off and Camaro-boy stalls it! We're laughing so much because it's so damn funny! He catches up with as a few sets of traffic lights further along and I'm ashamed to admit it now but _I_  start trash talking  _them_  saying if  _that's_  how they use their ' _stick shifts_ ' _driving_ , we couldn't be bothered to see what they'd do with them in bed! Passenger-boy says they want  _another_  drag, for some reason I call out they'll eat Black Betty's dust  _again_. He revs, she revs, lights change... lo and behold, he stalled it  _again_! The name's stuck ever since that night and that's how Olivia's car became to being called 'Betty'. Looking back it was one of the best nights out ever."

"When did  _this_  happen?"

"Olivia and I were on our way home from one of our dinner dates after I returned from my ICC tenure... just before Elliott put in his retirement papers from memory."

Kathy was happy for the verbal segue, "Speaking of retirement papers, Elliott said Cragen told him that Olivia's going to do the same?"

Alex gave a half shrug, "Maybe... maybe not."

"What do you mean?"

"Let me ask you this: if  _you_  were intending to retire from your job, would you be reading mock exams for a promotion at around 3 in the morning?"

"I see your point." Kathy stopped walking, and turned to look at Alex. "You know, Elliott was steadfast in his mind that he was going to return after the shooting at the precinct. But for the first time seeing Eli every day, all the time during his mandatory... all those simple little things that he never really got to experience with the other kids growing up... that really got him thinking. I think he began to question whether it was worth it. He'd done his 25 years with the force which is pretty easy considering he'd been at SVU since 1993, and that was always his goal: 25 years. On one hand, he still misses SVU... he definitely wanted to help find Olivia, and when he sees or reads news reports about some of the SVU cases that mightn't have got the conviction the squad had hoped for, I can see in his demeanour that he's thinking maybe if he'd been there the outcome might have been different... he might have been able to bust the perp differently or something. But now he's just content at being the stay at home father while I work at the hospital. Elliott spending time with Eli and myself helped with his PTSD, that's for sure."

"How is Elliott's PTSD now?"

"I won't lie to you, it still affects him every once in a while. Not as bad  _now_  as it was after the shooting, but there are some nights he'll wake up from a nightmare convinced that Jenna's going to shoot  _everyone_  on the 6th floor at SVU, not just the 3 perps in the holding cell and Sister Peg... or that  _he's_  shot not only Jenna, but  _also_  Olivia, Fin, Munch and Cragen... or that Jenna has shot the kids and myself in our home. But as you know, El doesn't like shrinks...  _at all_. The punching bag in the garage was his outlet, like it always has been."

"Olivia keeps having nightmares about what happened. It's like her mind is convinced that Lewis is still alive and going to hurt her and Vanessa... and me. That's how I believe she pulled a gun on Amaro, she somehow thought he was Lewis."

"For her, the nightmare kind of spilled over in to real life, so to speak. I'm assuming she's going to get help... therapy?"

"She starts tomorrow... Vanessa Meyer too. I didn't even have to convince Liv to seek help, she suggested it right off the bat. I know she hasn't told me everything, and I worry about how I'm going to react when she finally does. I can't even imagine what she and Vanessa went through all those months..." Alex trailed off, tears beginning to build her eyes. "Sorry."

Kathy pulled Alex in to a reassuring hug, "Don't be sorry. Remember, I have an idea of what it's like to be the partner of a police officer and all the worrying that goes with it. But I can only imagine what  _you've_  been through all this time... the  _not_  knowing. I'd have similar when El was undercover... but that was  _on_  the job and maybe a week at the most. I know you feel as though you have to keep being strong for Olivia and yourself, but if you need to unload about anything, you know that I'm here for you as someone who's been there."

"Thanks Kathy," Alex said as they ended the embrace, then quickly wiped away the tears from behind her glasses before they fell with her left hand. She saw Kathy raise her eyebrow in curiosity, "What? Did I smudge my makeup?"

"No, your makeup's fine. I couldn't help but notice a familiar looking ring on your finger."

Alex tried not to make a big deal about it, "Yes, it's Olivia's ring. I'm just wearing it until the burns on her fingers and knuckles heal, and that's the only finger it fits on for me."

"Good thing she'll know your size then... should the need arise."

"We're taking things slowly, but who knows... maybe one day in the future? We know that we have each other unequivocally and that we have a daughter on the way, perhaps that's enough for now. One step at a time, I suppose." Alex took a newborn pastel pink baby sleepsuit from the rack and held it up with a goofy grin, "What do you think?"

"It's utterly adorable and brings back a lot of memories for me... but I think you and Olivia will need more than one sleepsuit."

"That's the thing, I'm not sure what to buy in clothes because the OBGYN in Maine thinks our baby might be small."

"Your daughter still has got some time to grow yet if Liv's not due until late January or early February. Hey, is she craving anything?"

Alex stifled a laugh, "Liv will deny it, but it seems chocolate and peanuts are a  _definite_  want. Peanut M&M's and Reese's Pieces. She's also gone through half a jar of crunchy peanut butter and half a block of dark chocolate since I did grocery shopping on Monday!"

"Sounds familiar."

"What did you crave?"

"Each pregnancy was different for me. With Maureen, it was dried apples slices and dried apricot halves. Kathleen was raisins... chocolate coated ones especially. The twins was ice... and with Eli, it was mayonnaise on _everything_. Sometimes I'd eat just mayonnaise sandwiches... real thick, no butter. Or I'd even eat it right out the jar with a spoon."

* * *

Elliott stared, "She's a  _murderer_?! I can't believe it!"

With her walking boot encased left foot raised up on the coffee table, Olivia nodded her head in confirmation. "I couldn't either in the beginning, but yeah, Dana Lewis is a murderer!" She dug the long stick of celery inside the jar on her lap, coating it in as much peanut buttery goodness before taking a bite. The brunette covered her mouth with her hand as she continued to speak, "It was like her entire...  _character_... for lack of a better word, changed overnight."

"Come to think of it, I  _do_  believe it... all those times she to tried to kill  _me_!"

Olivia swallowed her mouthful of peanut butter slathered celery, "Look at it this way, at least you didn't get shot in the  _ass_!"

"I guess Munch's bony ass puts a new spin on the term having  _junk in your trunk_!" Elliott replied. The old SVU partners roared with laughter as the apartment door opened. Elliott looked back over the lounge suite, "Hey! Our women are back!"

The words ' _our women_ ' were not lost on Olivia as she stuck the celery stick inside the peanut butter jar then placed it on the coffee table. She initially had reservations even telling Elliott Stabler that she and Alex were in a relationship now, but it seemed that he was accepting of them. However, now he knew, she would have no hesitation on pulling him up or calling him out on his shit if he ever slipped back to his 'Elliott' mode in her or Alex's presence.

Kath gave her husband a kiss, "You smell like tuna. I was sure you were going to have one of  _those_  burgers."

"Now Kathy, you forget El was with me, so he was on his  _best_  behaviour. Even though he considered having one of those burgers, I made sure he ate a really healthy tuna salad sub... even if it did smell just a  _little_ ," Olivia replied.

"Liv had..." Elliott saw the eye daggers being cast at him by Olivia as Alex pressed a soft kiss to the brunette's cheek before she sat down beside Liv, "... a veggie burger. Nice and healthy too."

Even if they weren't work partners these days, Olivia Benson and Elliott Stabler still had each others backs.

Olivia rested her hand on Alex's thigh, "So? How'd you go? What'd you buy?"

"More like what didn't she buy," Kathy laughed.

"Alex, did you go overboard?" Liv gave the blonde a pointed look.

"I didn't buy anything that  _wasn't_  unnecessary. The delivery van will be here in an hour to deliver the 4 in 1 bed combo with change table attachment, along with a 3 in 1 baby travel system-"

"A what?"

"Pram, capsule car seat and carry cot." Alex explained, "I also got a baby monitor, a high chair and baby carrier for the both of us to use. I also bought this," she handed Olivia the newborn pastel pink baby sleepsuit from a baby store bag at her feet.

As Olivia held up the sleepsuit in front of her, the mental image of a casually dressed Alex Cabot with a baby carrier strapped to her torso carrying their daughter in the sleepsuit made her smile.

Alex continued, "I'm also told that Elliott's volunteered to put the 4 in 1 combo and change table together for us once it's delivered."

"I  _what_?" Elliott looked back and forth between Alex and Kathy.

Kathy negotiated, "El... I'll make a deal with you. You put it together for Alex and Olivia, I'll  _finally_  let you have a car like Olivia's."

"You're serious?" Elliott was dubious.

"Absolutely!"

" _Exactly_  like Liv's? A 1965 Ford Mustang convertible?"

" _Exactly_  like Olivia's 1965 Ford Mustang convertible. I'll even let you have it in black."

Elliott rubbed his hand together, "Done!"

"Good!" Kathy said and reached down to the bag at her feet and passed a black 1965 Ford Mustang convertible scale model to Elliott in a box.

"I saw that coming a mile off! Snowball, Elliott... snowball!" Olivia laughed heartily as she reached for the jar on the coffee table, "We need more peanut butter."

Alex reached back down to the bag at her feet and handed Olivia a 4lb jar of peanut butter.

"I love you  _so_  much, sweetie... oh, and you too Alex!" Olivia grinned, which resulted with a light smack to her thigh from Alex.

The 4 friend continued talking for the next hour. Right on cue an hour later, there was a knock on the door from the delivery men from baby store.

"Elliott, Kathy, could you get that please?" Alex asked as she felt Olivia instantly tense up beside her. She kept her voice low as Kathy and Elliott walked to the apartment door, "Liv, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to stay right here with you on the couch. I arranged this with Kathy while we were shopping. She and Elliott are going to direct the delivery men to put all the items in the spare bedroom, and then the delivery men will go."

Even though Alex had verbally reassured her, Olivia never once took her eyes off the 2 delivery men as they entered and exited the apartment a couple of times with the various boxes, nor did she let go of Alex's hand. As soon as the door was closed again, and Elliott and Kathy returned to the lounge room, Olivia began to relax again.

"Alex, where do you keep the toolbox?" Elliott asked.

"Under the sink," Alex indicated towards the kitchen.

"Elliott, remember: RTFM!" Kathy called out.

"Yeah, I got it Kath."

"RTFM?" Alex wondered aloud.

Kathy could only laugh, "Read the  _effing_  manuals."

* * *

"Detective Benson, it's good to see you again."

"Hello Doctor Lindstrom," Olivia shook the man's hand.

"Galen tells me you'll be seeing him, after everything that's happened. I saw the news reports about your abduction."

"I didn't think it appropriate to see you, given the working relationship we've had in the past with the survivors I've recommended to you."

"Even if you wanted to see me, I would've declined and recommended Galen anyway. As you said, I doubt it would be ethical given the history."

Olivia addressed the woman standing beside her, "Nessa... this is Doctor Peter Lindstrom. Doctor Lindstrom, this is Nessa... Vanessa Meyer. She and I went through a lot of things these past few months, which you'll find out about. I'm sure you'll-"

"Be professional as always. Anything Vanessa shares with me that may involve yourself will be kept confidential. Vanessa, whenever you're ready to start, I'll be in my office."

Vanessa turned to Olivia, "Liv, I'm a bit scared being alone with him in that room."

"Nessa, it'll be alright. Doctor Lindstrom is the utmost professional. Remember, I'm going to be in the room next to you, and Alex is going to wait for the both of us in the reception area." Olivia tapped the tag pendant at the base of Vanessa's throat, "Remember?"

"Fearlessness," Vanessa replied.

* * *

Her fingers closed around the cold, smooth river stone hidden deep within the pocket of her hooded sweater. Even though it was only a rock, it made her feel more calm. She'd deny it had anything to do with the previous owner if anyone asked, it was just an inanimate object after all. But she knew that little rock meant more to her than just being an inanimate object, it was like a certain rookie was with her right now.

Vanessa had given a brief summary of what had happened in the cabin, but what she really wanted to talk about right now was her job. Doctor Lindstrom let Vanessa choose that direction for this session seeing it made her open up and not be as nervous as she had been when she first walked inside his office.

"Is it the right thing to do, Doctor Lindstrom? Quit my job as a defense attorney?"

"It's not so much as a question of: 'Is it the right thing to?'... but more of: 'Is it the right thing for  _you_?'. Every person who has gone through any trauma is different, Vanessa. Some people find comfort in returning to work because it's what they know, it's safe and it's normality. On the other hand, some people want a complete change and turn their backs on everything. And some people try to find some sort of middle ground... some change and some normality. If you were to quit, which I can tell you are doing to do no matter what, what would you consider doing in its place?"

"I'd narrowed it down to either trying for a job with the International Criminal Court or a job with the ACLU. After being incarcerated in that little room, the travelling appealed to me with an ICC tenure... but I'd be away for a year from family and friends, and I've already lost 128 days of my life. At least with the ACLU, I can stay in Jersey, work in Manhattan and still keep some normality."

"I think you choosing to join the ACLU eventually is a positive step in reclaiming your life. How does the possibility of joining the ACLU make you feel?"

"Nervous and scared because it's different to what I've done, but also excited because again, it's different to what I've done. It's like a new challenge."

"A challenge that I think you'll relish and excel at. When do you intend to hand in your resignation letter to the law firm?"

"Right after this session."

* * *

Olivia shifted in the comfortable leather lounge chair after giving Doctor Galen MacKenzie a rundown of her 128 day ordeal and her reaction to Nick Amaro leading Alex away when she assumed Nick was Lewis Williams.

"We'll get to your incarceration and what happened during that time at a later time, because I'm fairly sure you don't want me to ask you right now: 'how does that makes you feel'."

"I like you already, Doctor."

"Right now, I'd like to ask you if we could do a little test?"

"What like?"

"I'm just trying to understand some things to help  _you_  understand. It won't take long," Galen waited for Olivia to give her consent to continue, "Using names or nicknames, whichever you prefer... I'd like for you to name for me the men you associate with the  _most_  these days in no particular order."

"Umm... Cragen... Fin... John... Doom... Barba... Amaro," Olivia reeled off as Galen made notes of these names on a new notepad. She decided not to include Elliott in the names seeing she didn't work with him any more.

"Alright. When I say one of those names back to you, I want you to  _physically_  describe them using 3 or 4 descriptives to differentiate them... as if you were standing directly behind them."

"Ok. I don't have to close my eyes, do I?"

"Whichever you are most comfortable with, Olivia." Doctor MacKenzie scanned the list, "Describe John for me."

Olivia kept her eyes open, "Lanky... grey hair... large ears."

"Good. Now, Cragen."

"Bald... stocky... Caucasian."

"Doom?"

"Blonde hair... muscular... tallish."

"How about... Amaro?

"Tallish... dark hair... well built."

"Fin?"

"African American... buzzcut... stocky."

"Barba?"

"Short... dark hair... impeccably dressed."

Galen raised an eyebrow, "You can tell that from behind?"

" _Trust_  me, you can."

"Ok then. Finally... I want you to describe Lewis Williams the same way."

"That's  _easy_. Tallish... dark hair... well built."

Olivia took the notepad that Doctor MacKenzie handed to her and scanned what he had written.

Her own words.

**Cragen:** _Bald, stocky, Caucasian._  
**Fin:** _African American, buzzcut, stocky._  
**John:** _Lanky, grey hair, large ears._  
**Doom:** _Blonde hair, muscular, tallish._  
**Barba:** _Short, dark hair, impeccably dressed._  
**Amaro:** _Tallish, dark hair, well built._  
**Lewis:** _Tallish, dark hair, well built._

"You never saw Amaro before you entered your Captain's office, did you?" Galen asked.

"No I didn't," Olivia passed the notepad back. "I guess I assumed Amaro looked like Lewis from the back and this list proves it."

"It's  _just_  a list of descriptive words, Olivia. Nothing more, nothing less. However, let me ask you this: would you have reacted the way you did if you had seen Amaro  _before_  you entered the Captain's office and knew what he was wearing... and  _then_  saw a tallish, dark haired, well built man leading Alex towards the elevator area wearing the same clothes as Amaro was?"

Liv pondered Doctor MacKenzie's question for a time. Would she have if she'd seen Nick when she entered SVU? Maybe around the same time as she saw Fin? She knew Nick Amaro would  _never_  hurt her, he was her assigned work partner, and he had saved her life by shooting dead Graham 'Brewster' Winger from under the floor of the little game keepers cottage at the Hammond Island Wildlife Preserve. "I can't say for certain, but probably not. No, I don't think I would've."

"I don't think you would've either. You're still in survival fight or flight mode and that's not uncommon with PTSD. Would you have quit your job as an SVU detective had you not reacted to that situation the way you had?"

Olivia sighed, "No."

"So why do you feel the need to quit?

"Who's going to trust me?"

"Exactly,  _who_  is? Your colleagues, that's who. Alex did, Fin did-"

"Fin would've shot me!"

"To  _stop_  you, not  _kill_  you. Your Captain trusts you enough to still offer you the opportunity for a promotion. Amaro obviously still trusts you not to make a complaint against you."

"He should... I  _would_."

"Would you  _really_  if the roles were reversed? If Amaro had seen someone with a basic description of who had tortured him for the last 128 days lead someone he loved and cared for away... a wife, a child, a partner... wouldn't he react similarly? Wouldn't any normal person react the same way to protect someone they loved?"

Olivia stayed broodingly silent.

"What do you want to achieve from these sessions, Olivia?"

"First and foremost, I want to see if I can remember if Lewis Williams did anything to me. If he raped or sexually assaulted me, seeing he had plenty of opportunity to do so."

"You know that hypnotherapy isn't always accurate in dealing with forgotten or lost memories. You said yourself he drugged you repeatedly and-"

"I don't care! I  _need_  to try and see if I can remember something, anything... I  _need_  to know."

"And if you  _do_  remember something?"

"Then I'll know. I mightn't like the answers, but at least I'll know and be able to deal with that."

"And if you  _can't_  remember anything?"

"Then at least I'll have tried."

"Alright then, we'll do some hypnotherapy next session, starting next week."

* * *

Liv wrapped her arms around Alex as soon as the blonde stood up in the reception area. The ADA knew not to ask Olivia how her session went, Olivia would talk when she was ready. She relished the sensation of Alex's fingers threading through the short, fine hair at the back of her scalp as she pressed a discreet kiss to Alex's neck. The spell was broken when they heard Vanessa bidding Doctor Lindstrom goodbye. Olivia reluctantly ended her embrace from Alex before she opened her arms to hold Vanessa.

Their first therapy sessions were complete.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a psychiatrist/therapist, so if what Doctor MacKenzie does and says is wrong, I apologise in advance.

"Tell me what Lewis Williams is doing?"

With her eyes closed, Olivia kept her breathing calm and steady. She was taking her time to recall her memory, pausing often as the details replayed vividly in her mind. "Lewis is... he's just opened the door to the cellar, not too slowly...the hinges creak... it gives Nessa and myself a few moments warning that he's returning... but Nessa is starting to get drowzy now... drugged, she been drugged... I begin to realise that so am I... I've been drugged too... hidden in the breakfast food he brought down... it's not fair, he only did this not too long ago... maybe a few days ago?... I can't tell though... time seems irrelevant now..."

"What's happening now?"

"Even in the dim light, I can see Lewis grinning at me... like a Cheshire cat... he just keeps grinning at me... after a little while, he turns away from me... his focus is on Nessa now... on the other side of the room... he's crouching down to her... stroking, caressing her face... I'm trying to tell him to leave Nessa alone because he raped her last time he took her upstairs... her screams still fresh in my memory... I don't want Nessa to go through that again... but all I end up saying is ' _leave alone_ '... Lewis uncuffs Nessa from the chain... he picks her up in his arms like she weighs nothing... I hear Nessa mumble ' _don't_ ', but he just reminds her that she said ' _the words_ ' and she can't ever take them back now... he's beginning to take Nessa up the few stairs that separate the rooms... Lewis says to me that he'll 'be right back and don't you go anywhere, Detective' before he laughs mirthlessly... it echos around the little room... All I can think is I have to stay awake... stay awake... Lewis comes back relatively quickly... he tells me Nessa is 'a little tied up right now' before laughing again... the handcuffs on my left wrist are digging in because I'm starting to go limp... but the left side of my back is mostly still resting against the wall... Lewis is..."

"Go on," Doctor Galen MacKenzie gently prompted, taking particular care not sway Olivia's recollection of the events or plant any ideas, suggestions or falsehoods in the memory she was recalling.

"Lewis is squatting down... then sitting down beside me... mirroring my position on the mattress... to the right side of me... he says that I should 'be a good girl like Nessa... just say  _the words_... make it easier on both of us'... he says 'the faster I say  _those words_ , the less torture I'll suffer than I have already'... he presses his finger very close to the tender skin of the slowly healing burn... on the back of my right shoulder blade... he does that to remind me of what he did... what he's capable of... it came from my own gold shield... I wince in pain, but I don't give Lewis the satisfaction he's after... I don't say the words he wants to hear... I stay silent, even in my drug induced stupor... Lewis tries to stroke my cheek, but I slap his hand away... it's more like a halfhearted push though... he laughs again before he trails his scarred fingers down my neck... my chest... he stops... he slides his hand across and gropes my breast... on top of the button down shirt I have on... I don't react because it's not the first time... he's done that before... grope me... grope my breast... I just look at him unimpressed... as if to say 'Is that the best you can do?'... he just laughs at the look I gave him... then Lewis says to me 'Don't worry Detective Benson, I've got  _all_  day'... my eyelids are getting heavier now... he pulls out the handcuff key from his shirt pocket... lazily waves it in front of me... goading me to try and take it from him... taunting me... I try to grab for it, but arm won't work properly... it just flops back down beside me as soon as I try lifting it... Lewis is standing back up... he goes over to my left side... crouches down... unlocks the cuffs from the wall chain... then from around my wrist... my eyes are struggling to remain open... and stay focused... so tired now... he's laying me down on my left side on my mattress... so gently... very carefully... almost lovingly... but then Lewis roughly gropes me again... he whispers in my ear... 'Nighty-night, Detective'..."

"Keep going now,"

Olivia slowly shook her head from side to side, "Darkness... ...only darkness."

"Ok then, just keep breathing like we talked about." Galen waited a few moments for the brunette to focus her breathing exercise before continuing, "Tell me what's occurring now."

"My eyes are trying to open... but all I want to do is go back to sleep... still so tired... I hear someone talking... it's kind of muffled... someone's calling my name...  _Liv_...  _Liv_... Alex, is that you? Alex?... Alex, you need to stay quiet for me... I have to protect you from Lewis... I know what that...  _Beast_... is capable of... and I can't and won't let any of that happen to you Alex... I love you, Alex... I love you so much sweetie... I hear my name being called again... it's much clearer now... I realise it's not Alex, it's Nessa... of course it's Nessa, we're only ones there in that little room... wherever  _there_  is... are we really in Maine?... Noone knows where we are, but I know Alex is safe in New York... in Manhattan... Nessa calls out again, but I just want more sleep... she keeps calling... talking to me... telling me to wake up... Lewis is gone now... wake up Liv... wake up now... come on Liv... my eyes are trying to focus, but they won't yet... my entire body feels like it's... heavy, so heavy and slow... like molasses... I realise my right arm is... it's handcuffed to the chain on the wall now... Lewis has swapped my arm that's handcuffed... I struggle for quite some time, but finally begin to sit up... against the wall... I eventually acknowledge Nessa... when I finally have enough coordination, I begin the ritual..."

"The ritual? Could you elaborate further on that term for me, please."

"Checking myself over... I need to know... Has Lewis Williams done anything to me?... Did he rape me?... Penetrate me while I was unconscious?... I don't think he has, but I'm not sure... I'm still uncertain... My body feels sore... I think my thighs are bruised again... Has he kicked me like he did the first time he drugged me?... Or is from something more sinister?... Something more perverse?... I try my best, but can't remember anything after 'Nighty-night'... The first thing I realise is that... I'm not wearing the button down shirt any more... right now, I'm in an oversized T-shirt... and the panties I had on earlier are gone... I only have thin sleep shorts on now... Lewis has changed my clothes... again... I hear Nessa tell me she's been awake for a while... that she must have only had a smaller dose this time... but I've been out of it... unconscious... for some time... I feel violated...  _so_ violated... Lewis Williams has seen me naked... for who knows how long... and done who knows what... because I certainly don't know... Nessa tells me that Lewis has changed her clothes too... she doesn't think she was raped either... Nessa says to me that she was regaining consciousness when Lewis took a photograph of her... she remembers the flash and noise of the polaroid camera... I figure he's taken a photograph of myself too... Nessa tells me Lewis has left us each bottled water... some fruit... bananas and apples... a box of Ritz crackers and 'Cheese in a Can'... that means Lewis has gone away... he's left Nessa and myself alone... he won't be back for a while... Maybe 12 hours? Maybe 24?... Maybe even longer?... I can never tell these days... but when he does return... I know what's going to happen to me... the cutting... the burning... the branding... the torture will begin again... and Lewis Williams will make sure I'm completely awake for  _all_  of that... for every... single... moment of it..."

Olivia fell silent, but kept up her calming breathing exercise.

"Alright Olivia, in a few moments I'm going to start counting backwards from 10, and when I reach zero, you will return to the present, here in my office. While I'm counting, I still want you to continue your breathing, just like you have been throughout. Starting at... 10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2...1... 0... You can open your eyes now." Doctor MacKenzie waited for Olivia to make eye contact with him, "How are you feeling after that?"

"To be honest, disappointed. I was really hoping I'd remember...  _something_."

" _Why_  is it so important to you to know?" Galen pressed.

Liv quirked an eyebrow, "You're kidding, right?"

"Don't get me wrong, Olivia. I understand  _why_  you need to know, but I need  _you_  to say it out loud."

"I told you, so I can  _deal_  with it."

"Deal with what?" Doctor MacKenzie added when he saw Liv rolling her eyes, "Humour me?"

"So I don't get triggered when I'm at the point in my relationship with Alex when I'm finally ready to be intimate with her. I don't want to freak out, break down or shut her out. If I know Lewis did something to me, I can take the steps to deal with it... not knowing throws up too many variables for my liking."

"Thankyou. Now my suggestion to you is those are things you'll have to talk to with a rape crisis counsellor, even though at this point in time, you're still not sure if you were raped or not." Galen checked his notes, "You never said 'Please don't-"

" _Please don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want_. No."

"Why?"

"I believe if I said those words Lewis Williams was desperate to hear, he'd think I had given him control. Lewis lived and thrived on bring in control of situations... control of people, women in particular. He may have had control of my life during those months in that cellar, but he wasn't going to control  _me_. That's why I never said those words... Brian said those words and he got killed. Nessa said those words and she was repeatedly raped."

"So it's possible Lewis didn't rape you because you didn't give in?"

"I guess it is, but I think it would be a very small possibility. His  _modus operandi_  was rape and torture, and he held myself and Nessa captive for 128 days. He had ample opportunity to do what he wanted whenever I was unconscious. He changed my clothes, saw me naked, groped me... what's to say he didn't orally, anally or vaginally rape me with his mouth, his fingers, his penis at any time? I would have been  _out of it_  for hours being drugged and he could have been _at it_  for just as long.  _That's_  why I need to know."

"From what I gather, Lewis preyed on weakness-"

"Brian and Nessa weren't weak!"

"I have no doubt in my mind they weren't, and aren't. To  _Lewis Williams_ , giving in... saying that you'd do anything... to  _him_ , that was  _showing_  weakness. But you didn't do that. You challenged him more than once. You challenged him each time you could, and because of that I don't think he raped you."

"But you can't say for certain, can you Doctor?"

"Unfortunately, I can't."

"Neither can I."

"Olivia, how much of what happened to you in Maine have you told Alex about?"

"A bit, but not all. She knows that I don't remember if I was raped or not. She knows about my torture, my scars, and has seen them on my back, torso, legs, breasts... she's seen me partially naked. She knows that Lewis wanted to know who 'Alex' was, and that Nessa and I kept quiet about her."

"But she doesn't know  _everything_?"

Olivia took her time before she voiced her thoughts, "You see it in movies, on television show and read it in books that people are willing to die for someone they love... like it's a flippant statement that people just throw around without a care in the world... But when it comes to the crunch, would they  _really_  do that? Die for someone? Or would they try anything and everything to save their own ass?... How do I tell Alex that dying to protect  _her_  was probably going to become reality because I  _wouldn't_  tell Lewis who 'Alex' was? I was willing to die protecting her... I was willing to die so I wouldn't have to suffer any more torture at his hand... How do I tell her that the next time I was going to be tortured, Lewis was going to take my detective's shield, heat it on that little camping stove and skillet, then brand my  _face_  with it... that the numbers 4-0-1-5 would be the only way to identify me? Because  _that's_  what was going to happen next time. How do I tell her those 4 question marks on my left shoulder blade are because of  _her_? A-L-E-X is what those 4 burns represent. How am I supposed to tell her all  _that_?"

"You'll tell her just like you've told me-"

"Oh yeah, I can just imagine it now...  _Excuse me Alex sweetheart, this is a lovely roast dinner you've made... By the way, I was willing and probably going to die for you, and those question mark burns on my back are because of you. Could you please pass the gravy boat?_... It's not exactly polite dinner conversation, is it? All the torture, branding, cutting... it happened under Lewis' assumption 'Alex' was a male. How bad would the torture have been it Lewis Williams knew Alex was a woman?"

"You'll tell her just like you've told me... when you're ready of course. However I'll point out to you that the longer you leave it, the more difficult it becomes."

Liv shook her head, "Alex already feels responsible for me being taken, I can't let her feel responsible because of what Lewis did to  _me_  because of  _her_."

"Have you told Alex that she's not responsible for Lewis taking you from your apartment?"

"Of course I have!"

"So why do you honestly think Alex would blame herself because of what Lewis  _did_  to you?" Galen asked.

Olivia stayed silent.

"You just said moments ago that  _Lewis William_ s is the one responsible. Let me ask you this: How many times did you tell or have you told Vanessa... Alex... your co-workers... the law enforcement people that rescued you in Winthrop... yourself even... that they're  _not_  to blame?"

"I haven't kept count," Olivia shrugged.

"You don't need to, but maybe  _you_  should start believing your own words?" suggested Doctor Galen MacKenzie.

* * *

Alex turned back around as she smoothed out her blouse, "Liv, are you  _sure_?"

"You have to go back to work today. I'll be fine, I promise!" Olivia replied as she adjusted the velcro on her walking boot while sitting on the end of the bed.

"I still can take another week off, remember."

"I know, but I have to start getting used to the idea of you returning to work. Taking another week off will only delay the inevitable until next Wednesday morning."

"It's just that... I've been getting used to being with you so much lately," Alex wrung her hands together.

"So have I," Liv lamented.

"I'm going to miss you."

"I'll miss you, too. Although I bet the day will fly by, just you wait!"

"Oh yeah, the entire day will be spent with Barba catching up on cases and making sure DD5's are completed and fixing whatever mess that Pippa Cox created."

"See, it'll fly by!" Olivia laughed as she stood up then pulled Alex in for a hug. "I'll keep busy too. Nessa and I have another session of therapy today."

"I can drive you there like I did on Monday morning."

"Doctor Lindstrom and Doctor MacKenzie's office is only on West 82nd Street. We'll catch a cab after Nessa's been dropped off by one of her neighbours who works as a teacher on the Upper East Side. Nessa needs to get used to interacting with men again and not be afraid, so the cab ride will be a real good test. At least I'll be with her if she starts to panic. After our therapy sessions, I'm going to go see my OBGYN and book some regular ultrasounds for our baby seeing that's what Kelly's old co-worker suggested I do."

"Hopefully she'll have grown some since the last one."

"I know our daughter's getting bigger now."

Alex pulled back, "How do you know?"

"Because I've had to start using those maternity belt extenders this morning that you bought on Thursday with Kathy," Olivia lifted the bottom of her button down shirt to reveal the extender holding her jeans closed. "It's only the first button, but..."

"Why didn't you tell me?!" Alex stared as she caressed the small swell of Liv's stomach.

"I just did!" Olivia grinned before saying seriously, "Are you rubbing my belly for luck?"

"Maybe?" Alex couldn't help but smile as they exited the bedroom and headed for the kitchen. "What do you want for dinner?"

"How about... I cook for you? Make up for the dinner I never got to cook after you got the job to return to SVU, seeing you're returning today."

"That sounds wonderful! What are you going to make?"

"Nope, not telling. It'll be a surprise tonight. Go to work, Alex. Call me when you're leaving."

* * *

"How was your day?" Alex began as soon as Olivia answered the apartment telephone.

"Therapy was good... talked some more about Lewis and what happened. Nessa said her session went well too. But the  _best_  thing was at the OBGYN's. They were able to squeeze me in after there was a cancellation just a little earlier. Nessa came in with me, so she was able to see our daughter and hear the heartbeat. Mama, I'm happy to report that baby Brianna is now the size of a orange even though she should be the size of a grapefruit."

The ADA began packing her attaché bag, "That's fantastic, Mommy!"

"Alex, they also do 3D ultrasound imaging, so we can physically see what she looks like. I wanted to know what you thought of that."

"Are you kidding me?! I'd  _love_  to see what she looks like. It might help finalise those 10 names we each have to pick."

"I'll book one for a Saturday so you can be there with me. I want us to see her  _together_ , just like we did the first time."

"So do I." Alex switched off the light in her office and locked the door. "What's for dinner?"

"I decided on satay beef and vegetable stir fry."

Alex snorted, "Satay?"

"That's nice and healthy with lots of vegetables. Need I remind you I  _have_  to eat healthy."

"And this choice of meal has  _nothing_  to do with the peanut sauce that will go with it?"

"I have  _no_  idea what you're talking about ADA Cabot!"

"I'm leaving the DA's office now, but don't start cooking until I'm home because traffic's banked up a bit."

"Ok, see you soon."

* * *

Alex had been greeted at the apartment door by Olivia with a long welcome home kiss, but she had retreated to their bedroom to change in to more casual clothes and freshen up a little while Olivia started on dinner.

Olivia steadied her breath as she lit the burner with the safety gas lighter. She didn't want to be afraid but her heart began to race as the blue and orange flames licked the sides of the wok. She took a deep, calming breath... she could do this, she was in control. Nothing bad would happen, she wasn't in the cabin. She was at home now in Alex's apartment, their apartment. Liv gathered all the ingredients she'd prepared earlier from the fridge and drizzled in some oil in the wok, allowing the steel and oil to heat thoroughly. She grabbed the metal wok shovel from the utensil holder on the bench and... then, it happened.

The  _dreaded_  sound she had heard in the dimly lit cellar of the transient cabin more times than she cared to remember.

Metal on metal.

The sound echoing tauntingly in her ears.

She knew what happened when  _that_  sound occurred.

Lewis Williams burning her.

Lewis Williams branding her.

Lewis Williams scarring her for life.

Her pretty face to be unrecognisable.

The searing pain and smell of burning flesh was all too real to Olivia Benson.

The sound of Olivia screaming in sheer agony reverberated through the apartment in an instant.

"Liv?! LIV?!" Alex cried out.

Half dressed in a mixture of work attire and casual clothes, Alex immediately ran from the bedroom to see Olivia rocking back and forth against the kitchen cupboard on the floor. Her bottom lip quivering, her eyes hollow and distant. Her left hand was fiercely gripping her right wrist as large fresh blisters were developing on the tips of the fingers on her trembling right hand. Her voice was just above a whisper, child-like and repeating the words like a mantra, "No more burning!... No more burning!... No more burning!... No more burning!... No more burning!... No more burning!... No more burning!"

Alex quickly switched off the gas burner under the wok, then grabbed a gel ice pack from the freezer and wrapped it in a dish towel before crouching down next to the brunette. "Liv? Olivia... look at me, you're hurt sweetie. Let me see your hand and how bad the burns are."

Olivia looked at Alex in desperation before her face and emotions crumbled, tears pouring from her eyes as Alex placed the covered ice pack in Liv's hand. "Don't burn me!  _Please_  don't burn me! I don't want to be burned any more. No more burning!"

The blonde's heart shattered at seeing Olivia Benson so... broken. She sat down on Olivia's right side, pulled the brunette in to her arms and began gently rocking her. She kept her voice calm and reassuring, "I'm not going to burn you, baby. And Lewis Williams will  _never_  burn you again. He can  _never_  hurt you again. He can  _never_  hurt Vanessa again. He can  _never_  hurt anyone  _ever_  again."

It took several minutes for what Alex had said to register with Olivia, but the brunette eventually whispered, "No more burning?"

Alex shook her head, "No. No more burning for you. No more burning, no more branding, no more cutting."

"No more?" Liv whimpered.

"No more... never again," Alex softly pressed her lips of Olivia's in reassurance.

After ending the kiss, Liv lay her head down in Alex's lap. She turned on her left side and buried her face in Alex's stomach, before her entire body was convulsing with sobs. Alex cradled Olivia's head with her arms and hands, and allowed herself to weep openly, her own body being wracked with sobs as well. Their pain and emotions inflicted upon the both of them directly and indirectly by Lewis Williams since the afternoon of May 20th 2013 were finally being exorcised.

Alex didn't care that her stomach was making gurgling noises seeing she hadn't eaten since lunchtime; that her head was throbbing from a combination of not eating and crying so much earlier in the evening; or that her neck and back was becoming stiff while sitting on the kitchen floor, she wouldn't move from her position. With her fingers continually threading through short brown hair, Alex would continue to hold a now lightly snoring Olivia for as long as was necessary. She remembered what Melanie Leonard had said when the Winthrop Sheriff had redressed Olivia's wounds, Mel had held Kelly on the floor of their bathroom for 2 hours as the doctor broke down and finally dealt with the horrors of Haiti. Now nearing 4 hours since Olivia had accidentally burnt her fingers on the wok, Alex Cabot would hold Olivia Benson all night if need be. She would ring Bureau Chief Mike Cutter in the morning and ask for the extra few days he had tentatively set aside, taking her time off from the DA's office until 23rd October. She was thankful that they were currently in a lull from cases and Pippa Cox hadn't screwed up any others, but with the New York Mayoral Elections not too far off and Rafael Barba's old school friend, Alex Muñoz, the front running candidate, the DA's office needed to 'look busy'.

"Alex? Can we go on the lounge? The floor isn't very comfy for sleeping on," Olivia mumbled with her face still buried in Alex's stomach.

They took their time but managed to make their way over to the lounge before Alex sat down on the left end and Olivia on the right before the brunette lay her head back down in Alex's lap. This time she didn't bury her face, she just looked up at the blonde.

Olivia spoke quietly after some time, "I need to tell you some things... about what happened in the cabin... the question mark burns on my back... and what Lewis Williams was... going to do to me."

"You don't have to Liv. Not tonight."

"Yes tonight. I'm ready to tell you... everything."

The ADA listened to Olivia speak without interrupting her once. She rested her right hand on the swell of Olivia's stomach before Liv placed her hand on top of her, both feeling little movements from baby Brianna every once in a while. More tears were silently shed by both women during this time and several long kisses of reassurance were shared. Rock bottom had finally been hit, and with Alex's promise of being with her every step of the way, Olivia knew things would only get easier from this day on.

 ** _If you're lost you can look, and you will find me..._**  
**_Time after time._**  
**_If you fall I will catch you, I'll be waiting..._**  
**_Time after time._  ~ Cyndi Lauper (Time After Time)**


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not a rape crisis counsellor, so if what Margo does and says is wrong, I apologise in advance.

In the 3 weeks since Olivia's breakdown after accidentally burning her fingertips on the night of October 16th, progress had been made on several different aspects. Alex had returned to work on October 23, but each woman checked in with the other every few hours. Every Sunday evening since returning from Winthrop, Olivia and Alex would Skype with Mel, Kelly and Alan as that was the day that Alan went over and cooked for the Leonards. The 'Winthrop workers' had been able to arrange to visit the 'Manhattan ladies' between November 11th to 18th (which was currently only 5 days away). Alex would still have to work during this time, but Melanie and Kelly would be keeping Olivia company during the day, seeing they would be staying with Alex and Liv. Alan had kept tight lipped as to where he would be staying during his visit to New York, apart from saying his accommodation was taken care of, but the 4 women had sneaking suspicions that he would be staying somewhere in New Jersey. Perhaps in the Hackensack area? Kelly mentioned that her friend and former colleague, Andrea Smith the OBGYN from Augusta, had once again asked how Liv's pregnancy was progressing and hoped everything was alright. As they ended their Skype conversation, they decided that they wouldn't worry about Skyping on November 10th as they would be seeing each other the very next day.

Olivia's fingertips, while though they had been blistered from the wok, had not suffered the same rough and gnarled burns as Lewis had deliberately done to himself. They had healed relatively quickly, and the last of scabbing from the rebranding from her shield shoulder blade burn had fallen off. Olivia had started to wear a bra again, but only strapless bandeau bras, as the branding scar on her right scapula was sometimes a little tender when Alex applied the vitamin E and cocoa butter cream in the morning and evening. The smaller scars littering her body were starting to fade from sight, but not from her memory. The taunting nightmares still continued to haunt Olivia, but she hadn't lost control of her bladder any further, for which she was thankful.

Most nights Olivia still woke up startled and sweating or with a scream, but every once in a while, her subconscious gave her a reprieve and would allow her uninterrupted slumber. The night splint and walking boot had been relegated to the closet in the last few days after Olivia's foot fracture had finally healed and her doctor gave her the all clear. Because of this, their sleeping arrangement had returned to 'normal' with Alex now on the left and Liv on the right. That first night, spooning behind Alex for the first time since the Liam Connors trial, had allowed Olivia to have 2 nights in a row without a nightmare. That first night had also made Alex quite sexually frustrated to due to Olivia having unconsciously slipped her hand between the blonde's legs in the early hours of the morning. Alex didn't want to tell Olivia why she had taken longer in the bathroom than normal, but when Liv commented on it, the blonde explained as tactfully as she could without wanting Olivia to feel bad. Even though they had already talked albeit briefly about Alex 'taking care of herself' when they were still in Maine, each felt sad and terrible for themselves and the other. Both were wanting to be intimate with each other, but both knew that being intimate would take time and would be at Olivia's pace when she was ready to take that step.

The first of their actual 'going out on a number of romantic evenings' had taken place, although they hadn't actually 'gone out'. They decided that they would have a 3 course meal delivered to the apartment courtesy of the little French restaurant they frequented on some of their dinner dates. Both women had still taken the time to dress up, Olivia opting for her deep red dress as it was the only one that would fit now and a sheer black evening shawl to cover some of her larger scars, particularly the question mark burns on her biceps. Alex deciding on an ever reliable strapless little black dress, not bothering to hide her bullet scar, but she understood why Olivia wanted to cover hers having already gone through that self conscious stage years ago. They had each ordered different meals and shared forkfuls of food with each other throughout each course. After the candlelit dinner, of which Olivia hadn't been afraid of seeing it was only a large pillar candle in a hurricane glass candle holder, they turned on some music and danced slowly around the lounge room before ending the evening with a long, slow kiss. They agreed that it was the best date they had been on, but vowed to actually 'go out' at a later date, and take Betty for a spin.

Therapy sessions were interspersed with a couple of sessions at the Rape Counselling Centre at 496 East 30th Street, the same centre that Olivia visited after what happened at Sealview. She hadn't talked during any of the group sessions, just listened. It made Liv have mixed emotions when a few of the women said they hadn't reported their assaults because they assumed that noone in the NYPD would believe them; or nothing would be done even if they did report because they were intoxicated at the time; or that a husband couldn't rape his wife. The counsellor running the session reassured the women that NYPD's Special Victims Units located in Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens and the Bronx would take their sexual assaults seriously and encouraged the women to report the crime. Liv wanted to talk to Margo one on one, the counsellor she had talked with those years ago, but Margo was currently on leave and wouldn't be back at the Rape Counselling Centre until November 7th. Olivia had already booked an appointment with her for that day.

Birthing classes were also considered but when Olivia walked in, all the other women clucking over each other suddenly bombarding her with questions that she wasn't comfortable answering, including 'Where's your husband?' and 'What happened to your hands?'. When one of the women snidely commented to another when she didn't think Olivia could hear that 'her body was probably covered in them or tattoos too, she must be one of those body modification weirdos', Liv decided those classes weren't for her. Another reason that helped her decide was, when for some reason the other women in the class thought just because they were all pregnant, they had a right to put their hands on Olivia's stomach and touch her. As a police officer, she was always on alert if perps tried to invade her personal space, and now after what she had been through in the cabin, she disliked her personal space being invaded even more. She opted to order some DVD's online and watch them at her own leisure with Alex instead. The birthing class incident also reaffirmed to Olivia that she didn't want a baby shower.

Also during the past few weeks, a 3D ultrasound scan was booked and completed. Both women watched in rapt fascination as their daughter's face displayed on the screen for the first time. This increased as they observed her while she yawned, moved her arm and hand up to her face then wriggled her fingers and briefly opened her eyes. As they watched, Liv wondered if baby Brianna looked more like her or Brian seeing as though she never saw a photograph of herself as a baby. Having asked Serena when she was growing up why there wasn't any, Serena's only response was that she couldn't afford a camera on her single wage. It wasn't until after she found out how she was conceived that Olivia understood Serena's reasoning as to why there were no photographs. Alex and Olivia had visited Doom and Gloria the afternoon of the ultrasound and both confirmed that the baby looks more like Olivia than Brian did as a baby as they watched the 3D ultrasound. Olivia was also happy to report that the baby had grown some more and was comparative to the size of a pomegranate, even though she should be comparative to the size of a papaya. Truth be told, she didn't care what fruit their daughter was comparable to, baby Brianna was growing and that was all that mattered.

The day after the 3D ultrasound, they visited the gravesites of Mr and Mrs Cabot, and Serena Benson to inform them that they were to be grandparents in the new year. They also visited Brian's plot at the Columbarium Wall to tell him is was going to be a father, and that baby Brianna would grow up knowing everything about her Daddy, and that Uncle Doom and Nanna Gloria would make sure of it. Olivia and Alex also took the time to tell them that they were in a committed relationship, and that one day in the future they would get married even though they weren't engaged yet, because telling them felt like the right thing to do.

After seeing their daughter in 3D, and rewatching the DVD numerous times, the 20 baby names had eventually been finalised. Every week they had taken turns crossing out 2 names, one on her own side and one of the other for fairness. On Alex's side of the list, the names Naomi, Phoebe, Lucinda, Sarah, Charlotte and Ella had been removed so far. On Olivia's side, the names Jasmine, Isabelle, Alyssa, Nicola, Mia and Emma had been dismissed. It wasn't as if they hated those names, on the contrary each woman loved them all, but they loved the remaining names even more. They had to be realistic and whittle down the list, and now was time to remove 4 more.

"You know the drill, sweetie." Liv placed the list and pen on the kitchen bench.

With a heavy heart, Alex looked at the dwindling list before drawing a line through the name Lillian on her side of the list, then Grace on Olivia's side of the list, which resulted in a small groan from Liv.

"Your turn," Alex passed the pen to Olivia. Liv studied the list for some time before crossing out Ava on Alex's side. She heard the blonde gasp quietly, but Olivia evened up the list by striking out Eva on her side.

That was it, just 4 names were left now. 2 names on each side of their list.

On Olivia's side, the names that remained were Zoë and Sophie.

On Alex's side, just Chloe and Amy were left.

Olivia had chosen Zoë as that name meant 'Life', and Sophie which meant 'Wisdom'. Alex had opted for Amy, which meant 'Beloved', and Chloe which meant 'Green Shoot'. Olivia thought it was an odd choice, but she realised it was appropriate when Alex said it made sense seeing that Olivia's own name meant 'Olive Tree'.

Now, one of those 4 names would be baby Brianna's first name. They had decided they wouldn't remove any other names from the list until some time in December, at which time they would each remove a single name from their own side. From the 2 names that would remain, the final name would be decided when they met their daughter for the first time.

"Have I told you how beautiful you look?" Olivia asked as Alex put the list back on the fridge with a magnet.

Alex turned back around and smiled, "Not since this morning when I left for the DA's office."

"I think I'd better remind you then," Liv took a step closer, wrapping her arms around Alex's body and neck.

"Before you do, I'd like to state for the record that I think you're just as beautiful."

Olivia whispered in Alex's ear, "I'm not sure it's possible, ADA Cabot. You are an  _extremely_  beautiful woman."

"And you have that pregnancy glow... I can't compete with that." Alex turned her head so that her lips were almost touching Liv's, "Love you."

"Love you more," Olivia replied and kissed Alex before she could object. Olivia eventually deepened the kiss, their tongues quickly searching out each other. Slowly backing the blonde up against the fridge, Liv's hand slipped under the untucked part of Alex's blouse and gently stroked her abdomen, unsurprisingly causing the blonde to moan with desire.

"Liv... better stop now," Alex panted as she reluctantly guided Olivia's hand away while resting their foreheads together.

"Sorry!" Olivia cringed and removed her hand completely, mentally kicking herself for momentarily forgetting how much of an erogenous zone Alex's abdomen was.

"It's ok, it's been a while since I've been touched there like that... You and me in my office at lunch... before..." Alex indicated the bathroom as she let out a calming yet shaky breath. "I just... need to..."

Olivia sighed heavily as Alex departed. She was just as aroused as Alex was right now, but she was scared at taking things further. She felt bad that she unintentionally made Alex get so worked up, but thankful that Alex was the one to respectfully stop before they went any further.

She definitely needed to talk to Margo tomorrow.

* * *

"I couldn't believe it when I saw the news reports, none of us here at the centre could."

"Join the club," Olivia accepted the glass of water Margo had just poured her.

Margo sat down in the chair opposite, "You're going to therapy? And the woman that was kidnapped with you?"

"I'm seeing Galen MacKenzie, and Nessa's seeing Peter Lindstrom. She's also having rape crisis counselling in Jersey."

"You were both-"

"Unfortunately, Nessa was raped... and I don't know if I was. I was drugged numerous times and I can't remember a thing. I've even had a few hypnotherapy sessions with Doctor MacKenzie and still nothing," Olivia took a sip of water before continuing. "What I'm having issues with is... as you can see, I'm pregnant... and before you think it, no it isn't his baby. Unfortunately for me... my hormones are wreaking havoc with my libido."

"Just admit it, you're as horny as hell."

Olivia couldn't help but laugh, "That's an understatement. I'm not sure what to do because I'm scared."

"What have you and your boyfriend-"

"Girlfriend," Olivia corrected. "I've done a few things to get her all worked up and I wasn't even aware of it. She's stopped me before anything went further."

"She knows what happened to you?"

"I've told her everything that I know regarding my imprisonment, so she's well aware that I'm not sure if I was raped. But that's the good thing, she's more understanding than most people would be because she understands about victims and survivors of sexual assault."

"Is she a fellow SVU detective?"

"Prosecutor," Olivia confirmed with a hint of pride. "Margo, what I'm afraid of is... she's going to do something with me while we're fooling around, like put her hand between my legs... or something like that... and I'll start remembering, begin having flashbacks..."

"Get triggered. Not uncommon with sexual assault survivors."

"I worry that I'll panic or she'll panic and we won't be a few steps back in our relationship, we'll be back at step 1 or worse. I don't want that, she means  _too_  much to me."

"Well, your girlfriend being aware of everything that you know happened certainly helps. I'll tell you what I usually suggest: take things slowly, little steps. You could start off with just make out sessions, fully clothed. Remember what a heavy make out session was like as a teen?"

"Vaguely. But I do remember my first make out session with a female in college... oh boy!"

"That's the spirit! When you're ready to progress further, still take little steps each time. Try a make out session, but both you and your girlfriend have your shirts or blouses off, the remainder of your clothes still on. After that, you could choose either no shirts and bras and keep your skirts or slacks on for you both, so: naked from the waist up... Or... you could both keep your bras on but skirts or slacks off, so: bras and panties only. Slowly progress, when you're ready of course, until you're both only dressed in your panties... and then eventually until you're ready to be completely naked, but still only keep it to make out sessions. Don't even consider penetration until you're ready, and even before then seriously consider using a safe word, or words even."

"More than one?"

"Best example I can think of: think of traffic lights and what they do. Green for go, Amber for wait and Red for stop. I doubt you'd need to say 'green' to your girlfriend, but 'go' or 'ok' will let her know that you're fine with what's happening. The safe word of 'amber' or 'wait' will let her know you're becoming a little uncomfortable with what's happening. She could go back to doing what she was previously so as not to stop completely, or give you some time to adjust. The 'red' or 'stop' are obviously used when you're wanting to halt proceedings completely if are, or think you might start to be triggered. You could use a combination of any of those terms, and I don't have to remind you that you can say those safe words at  _any_  time."

"I know," Liv smiled.

"You might think this a quite personal question, but have you masturbated?"

Olivia cleared her throat, "No, not for quite a while."

"Consider it, if and when you feel aroused. Remember,  _you're_  in control when you masturbate. It's your hand or the hand of someone you imagine it to be, noone else's. Probably just stick with clitoral stimulation to start with. Penetrating yourself and be comfortable with that  _before_  you let your girlfriend eventually penetrate you. You know your body better than anyone, and you know your signals. Therefore, if you think you're heading towards being triggered, you'll know before you can voice it. I wouldn't recommend using toys until much later. Another suggestion is consider watching pornography, but  _not_  that ridiculous porn that's made for men... you know the type, the 'Mister Handy Man and Lonely housewife' scenario."

"Oh yeah, I know. The 'Y _ou've fixed the problem and I have no money, however will I repay your hard work_ '? Ridiculous."

"Forget that rubbish. I'm very much referring to female friendly pornography, or even better still, sensual erotica. Lots of gentle touching and caressing, long kisses, plenty of eye contact. I'm sure you'd know the difference being a sex crimes detective."

Liv just gave a tight lipped smile.

"Or even read sensual erotica... the biggest sex organ is the brain, don't forget. You can imagine exactly what you want. However, I suggest you avoid the '50 Shades' series."

"Urgh, like the plague."

"Above all, talk to your girlfriend. Let her know if you're scared, and have her check in with you before, during and after you're intimate. If she's as attuned to your signals as you say she is, she might even see signals that you're unable to voice... and  _that_  is a sign of an excellent girlfriend."

"She's even more than that. She's my everything. I'd be lost without her, especially these last few months."

"Sounds like she's quite a catch."

"Don't I know it."

"Anything else you want to talk about?"

"Actually, do you have some information on hand about becoming a qualified rape crisis counsellor?"

"Sure. You know someone that might want to become one?"

"I'm... ahh... thinking about becoming one myself."

"Olivia, you know we always need more help for the survivors with fully qualified rape crisis counsellors... but we also need dedicated sex crimes detectives like yourself to help these women and men. You and I both know a major step in the healing process is getting justice. I can't count the number of survivors that we've had come through our doors that have mentioned Detective Olivia Benson or Manhattan's SVU helping them."

"I don't know if I want do it any more, Margo... or can."

"What do you mean?"

"Let's just say there was an incident that shouldn't have happened, but it did. I have to make a decision about my future eventually, and I want to make the decision that's right for me by weighing up some options."

Margo handed Olivia several pamphlets from her desk drawer, "Even if you wanted to become a rape crisis counsellor, we'd want you to be mentally and emotionally prepared for that. You can volunteer to help here, but I'd recommend that you wait some time before you consider that even. Get yourself better before helping others, Olivia."

"I am... I know I am."

"Even so, don't forget to keep breathing!" Margo added.

* * *

Olivia awoke from a nap after lunch the next day, after a morning spent with Doctor MacKenzie, and for the first time in many months her subconscious had allowed her to dream.

A very specific and quite pleasant dream.

A past memory even.

A certain night in a motel room with a certain blonde.

Liv shifted on the bed, trying to relieve the incessant throbbing between her legs but it wasn't helping one little bit. Olivia wondered if she could or should take care of her current need. Margo's suggestion was very tempting right now, but her fear of having a possible flashback to a repressed memory of something in the cabin weighed heavily on her. If she was going to do this, she wanted to do it right. Her vivid memory of herself and Alex in the motel was very special to her, and didn't want that beautiful memory ruined with flashback of Lewis... if he did do something to her. She returned to the bedroom with a thick book and her laptop, which Alex had retrieved from her old apartment. Liv placed the book on the bed so the laptop wouldn't overheat, opened and switched on the machine. She knew exactly what would help her in her current situation...

_She had initially been reluctant to view pornography, especially after what she saw and heard on the job and had voiced her opinion during the Eric Lutz case. Fin Tutuloa said at the time that he and his girl 'enjoyed adult entertainment', then later clarified that most people lumped porn in the one pile: pornstars having sex. Most of the time it was clearly unrealistic sex, with cheesy 'storylines' and godawful background music. Sometimes it was rough and raw, and sometimes it attempted to show fantasies or play on someones fetishes. Then Fin added that his girl liked sensual erotica and named a website that Liv should check to see what porn could also include to not be one of those 'porn prudes'. She checked that site a little while later and it opened her eyes to a different type of porn. As she watched a clip of a man and woman in bed slowly making love together, an ad for a lesbian sensual erotica website displayed to the side of the screen. Even though she was bisexual, the female form was what the detective preferred, and this website advertisment definitely piqued her interest._

_She opened another browser tab and typed in the name of the site that touted itself as an 'exclusive all-girl site dedicated to showing genuine, intimate girl-on-girl sex with deep kissing, making love and giving each other real orgasms', and by the photos on the main page, it certainly looked like it. Not wanting to become a member and pay, she typed in one of the major porn websites, then the name of the lesbian website to see if any clips were available to view freely. The options displayed including HD, threesomes, strap-ons and massages. The SVU detective clicked on the HD option and saw that the most watched video had a blonde and a brunette and 1.5 million more views than the next most popular video. She thought was the hell, a blonde and brunette she could easily relate to, especially when the blonde had long hair just like a certain someone who wasn't in her life... and last time she'd heard had returned from WitSec and was engaged to a banker. Little did the detective know at the time, was that just a few months later that the certain blonde would reenter her life and their major fight regarding broken promises would play out._

_She clicked the play button and was mesmerised from the start... no cheesy storyline, no godawful music... just the brunette sitting in the middle of the bed with the blonde straddling her lap, both dressed in panties and bras, kissing each other slowly and deeply. Their hands caressing and roaming lightly over each other's bodies. It wasn't like they were pornstars at all, it just looked like 2 quite beautiful women... like herself and Alex... in their bedroom. Without breaking their kiss, the brunette leant back and pulled the blonde down on top of her. The scene cut to the blonde pulling down a bra strap and cup and gently pinching the brunette's nipple while kissing still her. The blonde's hand slowly trailed down the brunette's body before slipping beneath her panties. Small movements of the blonde's hand left little to the imagination as to what she was doing to the brunette beneath those panties. Breaking the kiss, the blonde licked the brunette's neck before kissing her again. The scene changed to the blonde working her way down the brunette's body with open mouthed kisses before tugging the band of the panties down just enough to swirl her tongue between the brunette's folds to give the brunette a taste of what was going to happen when the blonde finally removed those panties. The brunette lifted her hips, allowing the blonde to tug the material down before kissing the juncture of the brunette's inner thigh and body. Interlocking their hands and fingers, the blonde looked up at the brunette as she extended her tongue to concentrate all her efforts on the little bundle of nerves peeking out. As the blonde slipped her fingers inside, the brunette reached her hand down to hold the blonde there, her eyes closed in concentration..._

Getting comfortable on the bed, Olivia made sure the wi-fi was working before she clicked on the browser icon. She opened an incognito window and just like all the times before, Liv easily found that 'go to' sensual erotica video she'd watched many a time over the years on that major porn website. As she began to watch, Olivia unbuttoned her jeans and rested her hand on top of her panties, hoping that if she went through with this, that she wouldn't start remembering... begin having flashbacks... or be triggered.

* * *

"How was your day, Olivia?" Alex asked, hoping it was better than the day she had spent in court prosecuting the brutal gang rape of a female military officer.

"I... ahh... well... err... that is to say I... umm..." Liv struggled before she blurted out, "I masturbated."

From behind her black framed glasses Alex widened her eyes in surprise, not expecting that reply to her question. She had expected to hear something about Olivia's session with Doctor MacKenzie.

"It wasn't a earth shattering orgasm by any stretch of the imagination, just a smallish one. And I didn't penetrate myself, but... it's a start, right?" Olivia felt like she was rambling as she wrung her hands together, trying to gauge Alex's stunned response. "Alex?"

The blonde regained her composure quickly, "Did you have any flashbacks?"

"No, no flashbacks." Olivia shook her head.

Alex wrapped her arms around Olivia and pressed a kiss to her cheek, "I'm proud of you."

"You're proud of me  _masturbating_?"

"Why shouldn't I be? That's a major step in reclaiming your life back."

Olivia decided to raise the topic, "Can we talk something I discussed with Margo yesterday?"

"Sure, what do you want to talk about?"

"Sex."

 ** _Let's talk about sex, baby!_  
 _Let's talk about you and me,_  
 _Let's talk about all the good things,_  
 _And the bad things that may be,_  
 _Let's talk about sex,_  
 _Let's talk about sex._  ** **~ Salt-N-Pepa (Let's Talk About Sex)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that sensual erotica scene is a vague snippet of a real scene that I've watched from time to time ;-). (BTW - Eric Lutz case: "Smut"). Next chapter, Winthrop workers visit the Big Apple!


	40. Chapter 40

In the weeks since her first therapy session with Doctor Peter Lindstrom, Vanessa had made some progress in her recovery, but also suffered a few setbacks as well.

As she said she would to Doctor Lindstrom during her first session, Vanessa went to Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates immediately after, handed over her resignation letter and cleared out her office. It felt like a weight had been lifted from her shoulders as she locked the door for the final time and returned the key to her boss. He said that he was happy to see Vanessa again and sad to see her leave, but understood the reason for leaving. He apologies for putting Vanessa in that situation, but the red head reminded him that it wasn't his fault. He said he would give her a glowing recommendation for her résumé, but if she ever wanted to return to work for the law firm, he would have no hesitation rehiring her. The red head replied with a 'thankyou but no thankyou'. Vanessa's time as a defense lawyer had come to an end, but her future with the ACLU wouldn't even occur until at least the new year. She wanted to get herself better before considering contacting them.

She could talk about her kidnapping and torture a lot more with Doctor Lindstrom, relaying how naïve she felt at believing Lewis Williams' story even though she was just doing her job. Doctor Lindstrom reminded her that yes, she had just been doing her job and that it wasn't her fault for Lewis' depravity. But trying to open up and talk about her rapes and sexual assaults, and about her feelings of helplessness and hopelessness in her rape crisis counselling were still difficult and emotionally raw. Vanessa had taken Olivia's suggestion and avoided the Rape Crisis Centre in Bergen County even though it was Hackensack's designated centre, and opted for the Rape Crisis Centre in Passaic County. She feared that in group therapy the other women would judge her, or that they would think that she deserved what happened to her for successfully defending a rapist, sadist and killer in court. One on one sessions were a little easier for Vanessa though.

Vanessa had also enrolled and began taking the Female Awareness Self Defense classes in nearby Rochelle Park. This helped boost her confidence so she wouldn't be as afraid of men as she had been. Unfortunately, when she went to look at cars to replace the one Lewis Williams had used for her and Olivia's abduction, the car salesman used both of his hands to firmly shake Vanessa's hand when he introduced himself in the car lot, making her instantly panic. She stomped on his foot and used a technique she had been taught to escape a wrist grab before running for her life. It wasn't until she got back to her house that she burst into tears, realising what she had done. She immediately phoned a certain curly haired male and relayed to him what happened. After that phone call, she contacted Doctor Lindstrom for an emergency session. A few days later, she penned an anonymous letter to the car dealership apologising for her actions towards the car salesman and explained that she had been sexually assaulted recently. She stated that the car salesman's actions, whilst clearly meant to be friendly, had triggered her response and that she was seeking professional help to deal with and overcome her fears.

Halloween was also a low point. Even though it was one of her favourite holidays, for the first time in her life she didn't decorate or celebrate. Vanessa turned off all the lights of her house and retreated to her bedroom with the photos of Alan, her little heart shaped rock and her cordless telephone. She just couldn't bring herself to face the neighbourhood children and parents this year. There had still been a few knocks on the front door, and she expected her house to possibly be egged, toilet papered, ding dong ditched or flaming dog pooped, but thankfully no 'tricks' had been played. Some of the nearby concerned neighbours had asked what happened after seeing reports on the news about her abduction and how she was now, but even then she didn't want to talk to them about her ordeal. She just explained that she had been kidnapped and tortured for 128 days by a clearly deranged client, nothing more.

Veronica had checked in every couple of days to ask if Vanessa if she had received any other 'bank statements', which would result in being ignored, changing the subject then eventually a colourful spray from the youngest Meyer. Ronnie would just laugh at her sister's ire because she just wanted Vanessa to feel nothing had changed in their sisterly banter. She also wanted to get back at Vanessa for all the times Vanessa had done similar while she was dating her now husband. Vanessa welcomed her chats with her eldest sister to be honest. Vanessa's other sister, Valerie, had called a few times which Vanessa welcomed too. Victoria and Vincent had invited Vanessa to join them for their family Thanksgiving, or her birthday and Christmas in Ohio as they did every year. Vanessa said that she wouldn't attend Thanksgiving (seeing the Winthrop workers will have only left days earlier from their visit to New York and New Jersey, and then Vanessa would by flying up to Augusta to see Alan's award ceremony in the first week of December), but probably would for her birthday and Christmas (as she was born only 2 days before Christmas). However, she would let them know for certain at a later date. When Vanessa's mother and father started asking questions that Vanessa didn't want to talk about regarding her kidnapping, the conversation ended abruptly.

There was one thing Vanessa hadn't completed on the priority list she had written out at the Leonard's house. This was being attended to now on Monday morning before her therapy session with Doctor Lindstrom.

"I'm really sorry, but this may hurt a little. I have to take a couple of different vials for the tests."

Vanessa gave the nurse a tight smile as the red head rolled up her arm sleeve a little further, "After what I've been through these last few months, I'm sure it won't."

"Oh my, what happened?!" The nurses eyes widened as she saw the numerous cigarette burns and cuts on Vanessa's arms.

"Something noone should ever go through," was all Vanessa said as she slipped her other hand inside her jacket pocket to seek out the heart shaped stone hidden within.

As the nurse put the buckle tourniquet around Vanessa's arm, the red head's thoughts wandered back to the conversation she had just had with her OBGYN. She had explained about not having menstruated since late April and then what happened in the cabin as best she could without being too detailed. The OBGYN agreed with Doctor Kelly Leonard that it could certainly be stress related. However, she said it could possibly be early onset menopause, which couldn't be 'officially' diagnosed because it had to be 12 months of no menstrual cycle for that to occur. She also said it could also be hyperthyroidism, or possibly even Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, better known as PCOS. PCOS was also known as hyperandrogenic anovulation or Stein-Leventhal syndrome, and wasn't uncommon for women around Vanessa's age. The OBGYN suspected that this could be the diagnosis especially when Vanessa replied 'sometimes' when she asked the red head did she notice any pain when she ovulated. Lastly, the OBGYN said it could be just 'one of those things' where the body gets a little haywire and Vanessa could start menstruating at any time. The only thing the OBGYN could say for certain was that Vanessa was currently diagnosed with 'secondary amenorrhea' seeing she had menstruated in the past but hadn't menstruated for at least the last 3 months. Detailed blood tests and a pelvic ultrasound were necessary, the first of which was taking place after the blood test. She still had no idea how she was supposed to drink and hold 4 glasses of water that were 8 oz each before the ultrasound in an hour, and then hold it while having that transducer press around her bladder for around 30 minutes. The mere thought made her want to pee already!

She never thought she'd ever think something like this, because she certainly hadn't for the last 16 years... but for the first time in her life, Vanessa Meyer wanted to get her period.

"All done, Vanessa."

"Already? I was actually waiting for you to warn me again," she commented as the nurse applied a small gauze pad and medical tape to the tiny wound in the bend of her inner elbow.

Maybe her pain threshold had increased from all the torture she had suffered at the hands of the Beast.

* * *

"I'm sure-"

Melanie Leonard instantly rounded on her only sibling and got all up in his face, causing him to shrink back. "Brad... you're my brother and I love you to bits, but I  _don't_  want to hear it...  _alright_! I'll make sure I bring you back the tackiest souvenir I can find... like a Lady Liberty comb for your buzzcut, or maybe a closeup photo of the Wall Street Bull's testicles?"

"Mel!" Brad started as Mel stalked towards the luggage check-in point at Augusta State Airport with her suitcase and her leather messenger bag.

"Brad,  _no_!  _I'm_  on holidays!  _We're_  on holidays!" Mel indicated herself and Alan, who had a large duffel bag slung over his shoulder and keeping pace with the woman wearing the 3 row rainbow pyramid studded black leather belt. " _We've_  had this planned for a while now and  _we're_  not changing our minds, so there is  _nothing_  more to say about the matter. You've dropped us off, now you can go back to Winthrop now and be the big boss man for a week."

Brad stepped in front of the Sheriff to halt her, "Just give-"

Melanie's voice was low and threatening, her grey eyes were cold as she glared at her brother. "Deputy Sheriff Bradley Jonothan Frederick Zimmerley, _don't fucking start_! I'm  _not_  in the mood and you  _damn well_  know it! _We_  will see  _you_  in a week's time when either you or Heather pick us up from here. Heather has all the flight info, so don't you  _dare_  ring my cell phone unless it's a life and death situation with a Zimmerley or Stanton family member.  _Understood_?"

" _Oui_ ," replied Bradley and received a withering look from his older sister for his troubles.

Alan gave Brad a pained smile as the Deputy Sheriff shook his head in resignation, turned on his heels and left the terminal. Bradley knew only one person could calm Mel when she was like this.

"Sheriff?" the curly haired rookie said.

"Alan, you don't want me to get upset now, do you?" Mel asked sweetly as the Winthrop workers checked in their luggage.

"N-no."

"Good!  _We're_  on holidays, let's  _enjoy_  it!" Melanie indicated the direction so they could go through security and wait at their gate before departure. "And you don't have to call me Sheriff, we're  _not_  on duty for the next week."

"Sorry, Melanie. Force of habit."

As the 30 minutes ticked down before the Winthrop workers could board, Alan's leg and knee began jumping up and down as he watched the planes land and take off. He was a mixture of nervous and excited, being this was going to be Alan's first time on a plane and first time outside the state of Maine. He tried to convince himself it had nothing to do with seeing Vanessa again, because they were 'just friends', but who was he really trying to kid?

"You nervous?"

Alan looked at Mel, "Is it  _that_  obvious?"

"I was nervous the first time I went on a plane too, don't worry. You're going to love it! Especially the take off."

"What if the plane falls out of the sky?"

"Nothing we can do if that happens apart from following the flight attendants instructions," Mel said and saw the look of apprehension Alan had. "Relax! We're going to be in the sky for just over an hour, then we'll land at LaGuardia. We'll get our bags from the carousel, Olivia and Vanessa will find us there and -"

"No, Vanessa will be in therapy when we land so only Olivia will be there to pick us up," Alan immediately said without thinking. It took him a moment to realise what he had said before adding, "I-I mean... I  _think_  that's what Vanessa said... in her email. I read it... a few days ago, you know... so I  _might_  be wrong." He looked at his superior hoping that sounded convincing enough. He wasn't going to admit to Melanie that he had memorised Vanessa's schedule after she sent it to him. Nor was he going admit that she had once again reminded him on Saturday evening while they talked on the phone to each other.

Mel tried not to roll her eyes. The constant denials of he and Vanessa being anything more than 'just friend' were still being vehemently upheld. Even if they hadn't admitted it to themselves or each other, Mel knew there was definitely  _something_  between him and Vanessa. Those hidden dimples of Alan's appeared more often than not when he checked his cell phone during his lunch break at the station. She didn't know whether it was photos or text messages that Alan looked at, but no matter what was he looked at, it made him smile so much it looked like his cheeks might hurt.

"You take the window seat," Mel offered as they approached their assigned seats when their flight was called to board.

"You sure?"

"I wouldn't have offered otherwise. The takeoff and landing, seen it all before."

Alan immediately buckled himself in and tried to stay calm as Mel took her seat beside him. Melanie's attention was drawn away from the in-flight magazine she was thumbing through at the sound of a kind voice beside her, "I was  _so_  worried I wouldn't get here in time! Traffic's a nightmare today!"

"Well, you made it and that's the main thing!" Mel beamed at the woman with short, grey hair.

As she took her seat beside the blonde after stowing her bag in the overhead compartment, she indicated to Alan. "Is he nervous?"

Mel nodded with grin, seeing Alan's leg and knee jumping up and down as he peered out the little window overlooking the wing, "He'll be fine once we land in New York and start our holiday."

* * *

LaGuardia Airport's location is on the waterfront of East River in the borough of Queens, surrounded by Bowery Bay and Flushing Bay.

Rikers Island is just to the  north of Bowery Bay, and the College Point NYPD Academy to the east of Flushing Bay.

Right now, Rikers Island and the College Point NYPD Academy were the least of Olivia Benson's concerns as she tried to find a place to park her Mustang. She was genuinely excited to see Kelly, Melanie and Alan again. It was true, the circumstances under which she, Alex and Vanessa met the Winthrop workers was not ideal to begin any friendship, but it was because of those circumstances they had all become firm friends. During their Skype conversations in the last few weeks, the only 'exciting' things that the Winthrop Sheriff's Department had to deal with (apart from the usual stolen car or boat, drink driving, speeding, public nuisance, car accident, shoplifting, break and enter, or drunk and disorderly) was trying to round up a herd of 20 cows with the Winthrop Animal Control officer that has escaped a nearby farm after being let loose after a wild bucks night. The cattle had wandered down the main street of Winthrop, leaving a path of destruction to several gardens in their wake, but also generously left some manure in return to help the gardens regrow; a semi trailer truck that had just delivered the weekly shipment of groceries to the Winthrop General Store had rolled over and started a large grass fire, blocking direct access to Augusta for several hours (the driver who had to be cut from the truck using the 'Jaws of Life', and was taken to hospital with severe injuries. He had a blood alcohol content of 0.24, 3 times over the limit in Maine and amphetamines in his system); the attempted arson of the old Town Hall; the graffiti vandalism of the a number of the Winthrop Pubic Art murals; and the annual toilet papering of the of the 12 foot tall 'Our Cynosure' sculpture at the Winthrop High School by the Senior class (which this year included one of the Leonard's nephews) since its installation back in 2005.

Alan's attempts to teach Mel to cook simple meals had been a rounding success, much to Kelly's delight (but Mac and cheese with bacon bits hadn't disappeared from the  _Château de Léonard's_ menu either). Alan had also loved cooking for more than just himself, and had agreed that both he and Melanie would cook for Alex, Olivia and Vanessa at Alex's apartment at least once during their stay in New York. Kelly and Melanie both agreed that the only thing they definitely wanted to do while they visited New York was to see ' _Wicked_ ' at the Gershwin Theatre. Olivia and Alex had already watched ' _Wicked_ ' just after Alex returned from the ICC as one of their 'dinner dates'. They had intended to see the original production with Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth, but Alex had 'died' and been squirrelled away by the US Marshals before opening night. Now with the 10th anniversary of ' _Wicked_ ' on Broadway having just occurred on October 30th, they decided they could see it again. Vanessa said she hadn't seen it because the guy she used to date hated the theatre with a passion and she would absolutely love to see it. Alan said he'd never seen a live performance like a musical before and would love to see it too because he loved watching ' _The Wizard of Oz_ ' with his beloved Grandma. Everyone also agreed that they wanted to see ' _Kinky Boots_ ' with Billy Porter at the Al Hirschfeld Theatre too.

Apart from wanting to see those musicals, the Winthrop workers had no set plans while they visited the 'Manhattan ladies' for the week. Alan said he'd like to see all those 'touristy' places such as The Statue of Liberty, The Empire State Building, Times Square, Central Park and the like, he also wanted to see places that weren't so 'touristy'. Olivia and Alex suggested that he might like to see some of the different museums or art galleries, and that Vanessa might like that too.

Olivia entered Terminal D, kicking herself for not having had that peanut butter sandwich she wanted before leaving the apartment. She was still strenuously denying that she was craving anything because of her pregnancy, but it was like fighting a losing battle. She was trying so hard to resist the temptation of her food cravings, but could only go a few hours. She was thankful at least she wasn't craving stereotypical pickles and icecream. The thought of that combination made her stomach churn... as did the pungent stench of  _anything_  relating to seafood these days. Trotting over to a nearby kiosk, she purchased and ate a Reese's Dark Chocolate Peanut Butter Cups and then bought a Snickers bar for the drive back to the apartment... just in case. She waited for the wave of people to dissipate from the assigned baggage carousel for the flight from Augusta. Liv had initially thought she might greet the Winthrop workers as they disembarked the plane, but decided against it because she would have to go through security. She observed a grey haired woman enter the nearby bathroom mere moments before she noticed a shaggy pixie cut blonde female and a tallish light brown curly haired young man approaching, chatting to each other. Olivia gave them a quick wave when they began looking around.

"Sheriff Leonard and Sheriff Officer Irvine!" Liv warmly embraced the Winthrop workers when they met.

"Hey, Detective Benson! You're looking  _fantastic_!" Alan said as he ended the hug.

"You're getting bigger in a  _good_  way, and you're glowing! Pregnancy really suits you!" commented Melanie.

"Alex told me the same thing this morning before she left for work. So, where's the Doc?" Olivia asked. "Are we waiting for her to return from the ladies room?"

Olivia looked at Melanie expectantly but was met with a clearly fake smile suddenly plastered on the blonde's face and silence.

Deathly silence.

She looked at Alan, but he gave Olivia a pained look similar to the one he gave Bradley at the Augusta State Airport.

"No." Mel tried her best to hide her emotions but the waiver in her voice was evident as she spoke, "She's gone. Kelly's left... She and Andrea..."

That was all the Winthrop Sheriff could manage before the tears brimming in her eyes slipped down her cheeks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: Yes that sculpture entitled 'Our Cynosure' is at the real Winthrop High School (though whether its TP'd annually, I can't say because I didn't know about this little town in Maine or anything about it until I started looking for a location that Olivia and Vanessa could be taken to. Google 'Our Cynosure Winthrop' to see it). See, research! ;-).  
> End Note 2: 4 x 8oz of water = 1 litre for those that use metric ;-)


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a difficult chapter to write, but readers might realise how long I'd been waiting to write it when they read it. I knew this was coming since... well, you'll see. This is why I used the vague term 'Winthrop workers' because I couldn't let on. Please don't hate me for what happens, but as I said, I don't regret what I did.

**_'Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane,_**  
**_Don't know when I'll be back again,_**  
**_Oh babe, I hate to go._  ~ Chantal Kreviazuk (Leaving On A Jet Plane)**

Olivia stared at the Winthrop Sheriff in disbelief as Melanie hastily swiped away the tears. Had she heard correctly? Did Mel say that Kelly had gone and left her? Gone off with Doctor Andrea Smith, the OBGYN she used to work with? Surely she had misheard. Kelly and Melanie were the ideal couple. Strong, stable, affectionate, playful, loving, caring. The Leonards relationship was the type Olivia wanted to emulate with Alex. Both she and Alex wanted to ask Mel and Kelly in person to be special aunts to their daughter, just like they had with Vanessa. Olivia also wanted to ask both Leonard women something about their marriage that she was curious to know about. She had planned to ask them about it while Alex was at work, but would that be even possible now? Would Melanie even want to talk about it if her marriage to Kelly was over?

What the hell had happened between Melanie and Kelly Leonard since their last Skype conversation on November 3rd?!

What the hell could have happened in the last 8 days to seemingly rip their marriage apart?!

There hadn't been outwards signs whatsoever that anything was wrong between Melanie and Kelly when Olivia and Alex Skyped on Sunday evenings. On the contrary, they looked more in love than they had ever been, and were both extremely excited to be coming to New York for the week. Each lightheartedly teasing the rookie, calling Alan 'Mopey' whenever Vanessa came up in conversation. Each using their 'babes', and 'honeys' while addressing each other, each sharing quick kisses out of the blue.

Alan obviously knew that Kelly was gone from the pained smile he had given Olivia when she asked, but did he know the reason and was just keeping quiet out of respect for his boss, co-worker and friend?

Liv's attention was drawn to the approaching woman with short grey hair that she had seen enter the ladies bathroom moments before spying Alan and Mel. On closer observation, it definitely wasn't the salt and pepper spiky haired emergency doctor with green eyes and pale skin from the Winthrop Medical Centre.

She stopped beside Melanie, "Hey! Have great time in New York."

"Will do! And if you're ever in Maine again, come to Winthrop and say hello."

The woman addressed Alan, "And  _you_  young man, go get your girl!"

Alan groaned, "Oh my... she's  _not_  my girl! We're _just_  friends!"

"Yeah, that's what they all say." She laughed before walking away with a goodbye wave.

"Who was that?" Olivia asked when the grey haired woman was out of earshot.

"The woman who got Kel's seat next to me on the flight down after I cancelled her ticket. Nice lady to talk with on the flight here. She was visiting her sister in Waterville. Ok, let's start  _our_  holiday!" Mel said.

"So Kelly's left... with Andrea?" Olivia asked, noticing that Melanie's wide yellow gold wedding ring was still on her left ring finger. As was the Art Deco ruby and diamond ring that Liv knew was Mel's commitment ring on her right middle finger, as it always had been. Kelly had a matching one, but with emeralds in place where Mel's had rubies.

"Yep. She left on Saturday night, but I don't think I want to talk about it here in the airport. Can we go back to your and Alex's apartment?"

* * *

Olivia placed mugs of coffee in front of Alan and Melanie before placing her mug of cocoa down and taking a seat on the lounge suite. There was still another hour before Vanessa's session with Doctor Lindstrom ended. Mel blew on her coffee to cool it before taking a sip as she began to recall what had happened between herself and her wife just days ago...

_Melanie tossed the keys in the bowl on the kitchen bench after deciding to come home early on Saturday evening. The paperwork that needed to be done could easily be palmed off to Bradley when he took over as Acting Sheriff on Monday. Right now, Melanie wanted to spend some quality time with her wife and start winding down for their trip to New York. And by quality time, she meant in bed... naked. Well, maybe she could wear just her leather harness and a seductive, naughty smile._

_The door to the master bedroom was closed, but the light was visible under the door. The Sheriff turned the handle and pushed the door open and was met with an unexpected sight. Kelly's hard case luggage suitcase was open and almost full. Kelly appeared from the closet with a handful of underwear and a look of surprise on her face._

_Mel approached, "Packing for our New York holiday already, babe? We said we were going to do that tomorrow!"_

_"Umm..." Kelly obviously tried to think of an answer but none came to mind._

_But there were no coats, no pullovers, no winter hats, no gloves or scarves within the suitcase. Only button downs, t shirts, shorts, jeans and sturdy boots. That was odd for going to New York in November. Sure it wouldn't be as cold as what Winthrop could get, but those definitely weren't the clothes they would be wearing._

_Then Mel saw it._

_Kelly's passport beside the suitcase. Passports weren't needed for travelling to New York. It could only mean one thing._

_Melanie took a step back as she felt her heart sink to the pit of her stomach, "Oh, no. Nonononono! You're... going?"_

_"Mel."_

_"NO!"_

_"Melanie!"_

_"WHEN WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME?! HUH?! WHEN?! OR HADN'T YOU FIGURED THAT LITTLE DETAIL OUT YET?"_

_Kelly's silence told the Sheriff her answer._

_"WE are going to New York on Monday, Kelly!"_

_"I have to go. Andrea asked a little while ago."_

_"I'm your WIFE and WE have plans! WE'VE had these plans set for a while with our friends, or have you forgotten? But noooooo, Andrea Smith asks and YOU drop everything for her! Well, I'M not breaking my promise to Olivia, Alex, Vanessa and Alan. YOU can explain it to them why you're galavanting off!"_

_"Galavanting?! You know it's not like that!"_

_"It damn well seems like it to ME! You said you weren't going to do this any more!"_

_"I said I wasn't sure."_

_"Semantics! You ALSO said your priorities had changed because you weren't as young as you were and you have a WIFE now. So, how long? HOW LONG?" Mel braced herself for the answer knowing it would only be a number that would correlate to months. It was always their way to soften the impending blow after all these years._

_"It looking like 6-"_

_"6 months?! 6 MONTHS! That's... fucking MAY! You're unfuckingbelievable!" Mel started towards the door._

_"C'est des conneries!" Kelly muttered darkly as she tossed the underwear in the suitcase._

_Mel whirled back around, "This is bullshit?! THIS IS BULLSHIT?! I'll give you c'est des conneries! Try this from MY perspective! Happy Thanksgiving, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year, Happy Birthday to you, Happy FIRST Wedding Anniversary, and Happy Birthday to me!"_

_"I think I'll be back before your birthday, you know!"_

_"Oh! That's a relief! A consolation prize! You know what... Va te faire foutre! Chienne!"_

_Kelly gasped at what Melanie had just said as the Sheriff grabbed the handle of the bedroom door._

_"Yeah, you heard me! Go fuck yourself! Bitch!" Mel spat before slamming the bedroom door shut. She grabbed the keys out of the bowl and stormed out the house. She couldn't go to the transient cabin overlooking Lake Cobbosseecontee, not after what happened there with Detective Olivia Benson and Vanessa Meyer for 128 days. Besides, it had been unanimously decided by the Winthrop Town Council to tear the building down and make the area a large tranquility garden. The only place for Melanie Leonard right now was in her office back at the station. Thank goodness noone else would be there. She needed time to calm down so she could return home and talk to Kelly rationally. She knew she should have never said what she had just said, but she was angry. And scared._

_Kelly knew she was the only one to calm Melanie when she was upset or angry. But when the Doctor herself was the cause of that rare ire, there was nothing she could do except wait for the Sheriff to calm in solitude before sorting out their problems. However she didn't know if there would be enough time this time around. Kelly Leonard had volunteered after Andrea Smith asked if she would be. The OBGYN herself would be volunteering again seeing she was recently and amicably divorced from her husband of 8 years, Peter, the other OBGYN from Augusta General._

_The Médecins Sans Frontières teams (MSF, also known as Doctors without Borders) from all over the world were being gathered for immediate deployment for the Philippines due to the horrific decimation and destruction suffered from Category 5 Super Typhoon Haiyan (aka: Typhoon Yolanda within the Philippines) that hit on November 7th. Nearby MSF teams within the Asia Pacific region had already landed in Cebu, but Tacloban had been the hardest hit and its airport destroyed. A city of 400,000 people had basically been wiped off the face of the earth, and not only the nearby cities and towns, but alsosurrounding islands had been hit just as hard. Local medical facilities had been destroyed and damaged, with medical equipment simply washed away from the flooding storm surge. Cargo planes full of medical and logistical supplies were on route already. After untold numbers of dead, infection was the major hazard with these types of natural disasters. Rejoining the MSF team and helping in the Philippines now was Kelly Leonard's way of making up for not helping after the 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and subsequent tsunami in Japan. Why couldn't Melanie see that she needed to help these people? They'd both seen the news reports during the buildup of the typhoon, and the utter devastation of its aftermath. Melanie's reaction wasn't what Kelly had been expecting._

_The salt and pepper haired woman grabbed her own car keys and took off after the shaggy blonde._

* * *

_"I won't go if you don't want me to go," Kelly said from the Sheriff's office doorway at the station._

_Mel looked up from the paperwork, "Oh no. You don't get to play that card after all these years."_

_"We've always discussed these things and you've always been fine with me going before."_

_Melanie threw down her pen, "Exactly! WE'VE discussed it! YOU AND ME, TOGETHER!_

_"The last few times YOU were the one to convince ME to go, or have you forgotten?"_

_"No I haven't forgotten! Except YOU'VE made your decision though by packing your bags, so I'M not going to try and change or influence it for you. Go do your MSF stint, but just remember what happened after Haiti."_

_"I don't need to be reminded."_

_"Maybe you do? Who's been the one to scrape YOU up off the floor each time... and while you're away you can wonder if I'll be there THIS time."_

_"What's THAT supposed to mean?"_

_"It means I don't know if I can do it again, Kel. It's too painful. Will it be the bathroom tiles this time? The garage? The bedroom? The deck?"_

_Kelly shook her head, "It's more than that though, isn't it? It's not just those breakdowns afterwards. What aren't you saying?"_

_"Yes of course it's more than that! I ALWAYS WORRY ABOUT YOUR SAFETY OVER THERE!"_

_"MY SAFETY? Well, now YOU know how I feel each and every time YOU holster your gun and go to work!"_

_"Then I'm sorry for being just a dumb law enforcement officer and not a smart medical doctor with a cushy job like you and Andrea!"_

_Kelly was incredulous, "CUSHY?! You think what I do is cushy?! Just a walk in the fucking park every day?"_

_"Maybe it's become cushy since we moved here? I know Winthrop's not that exciting being a little country town. It's certainly not as fast paced as Augusta General, and that's why you're going. You need some excitement again because you're a city girl at heart. Off you go then, have fun over in the Philippines. I'll stay here in boring town, while you go get your adrenaline rush." Mel picked up her pen and resumed her paperwork, "What are you waiting for? Just go, Kelly. Go save the world for the next 6 months!"_

_There was a long silence before Kelly spoke, "Je t'aime."_

_"I'm sure you do," The Sheriff snorted and kept her head bowed as she scanned a report, eventually hearing the front door of the station being locked..._

Melanie looked over at Olivia then Alan with a sad smile, "Kelly rang a few times but I ignored my cell phone, let them go through to voice mail and didn't bother checking them. When I finally finished the paperwork, calmed down and went home at 10pm, there was a note on the fridge saying she'd left an hour earlier for the airport with immediate departure to Logan International Airport in Boston with Andrea and her ex-husband. I never kissed Kelly goodbye, and we didn't make love like we usually do before she goes seeing we'll be apart for so long."

Mel drained her mug before continuing, "The thing that pains me the most... we never had a honeymoon after we got married at the beginning of the year. We decided to buy the house in Winthrop instead and have a honeymoon later. Kelly doesn't know is that I bought some shares quite some time ago that have been paying good dividends all these years. I've been watching the Stock Exchange and I sold them at the right time. Bradley said to me he'd heard Kelly say to Heather that she'd love to go on a cruise one day. Olivia, the night you ended up on the floor in the bathroom and Alex came to find me, I was in my office booking a 21 day Caribbean cruises to start on the date of our first wedding anniversary. I was going to surprise Kelly on Christmas Day with those tickets... now that surprise for her has gone hellshit out the window seeing she's gone for 6 months. Maybe if I'd told Kelly outright and not tried to convince her to not go, this could have been avoided. I guess I'll give the tickets to Brad and Heather, they deserve them. He and Heather have been married since Brad graduated high school and I can't even manage a year."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Olivia and Alan both asked.

Mel shrugged , "My marriage is... I don't know if I even have a wife now after what I did. I said the most inconsiderate and hateful things to the woman I  _love_  because I let all my anger, fears and insecurities get the better of me. I thought she'd finished volunteering for MSF, I never expected to go away again after Haiti. I ripped into Brad after Kelly left for no reason, then when he tried talking to me I brushed him off or shut him down and made out it's all Kelly's fault when I know it's not. It's both our faults, and I'm so angry and upset at her and at myself still. If something happens to her over there... my last words to her were  _so_  condescending."

"You can't contact her?" asked Alan.

"From the news reports it's virtually impossible to make telephone calls now and they'd want to keep the lines free seeing there will be an influx when they restore the lines. I have to wait for Kelly to contact me when she gets some rare time off... and I have no doubt in my mind that she wouldn't want to talk to me after what I said to her."

Olivia broke the long silence, "Kelly loves you, doesn't she? Her last words to you were just that.  _Je t'aime_... I love you."

"Would  _you_  want to talk to someone like  _me_  after what I said?"

"I still talk to Alex, and I believe I love her just as much as you love your wife."

Mel tried to comprehend, "I'm not sure I understand what you're implying, Olivia."

"Alex and I had a major falling out some years ago after she left Wit Sec and we broke some promises to each other. We were on fairly rocky ground and we weren't even in a relationship at that point. I regret to this day that we each did something to spite the other. I said I was going to ask for a new ADA on the grounds of violating professional ethics. I thought she was trying to sacrifice a victim to save her own ass. She put in for the ICC in retaliation, then I was falsely charged with murder and Alex forgot all about the ICC."

"You've always said your relationship with her would be best described as complicated."

"This is a prime example of how complicated we've been. Long story short, Alex told me she was joining the ICC for a year after I found out  _secondhand_  from a  _witness_  that she was joining. Alex gave me barely 2 weeks to get used to it, but she said she wouldn't go if I said for her not to. I couldn't do that to Alex because I was sure she'd resent me if I said no. The time apart from her made me realise how much Alex meant to me. I finally apologised to her for breaking my promises to her... it helped mend our relationship back to the 'dancing around our feeling' stage."

"Sounds... familiar," Melanie smirked, her eyes darting over to Alan's.

Alan folded his arms across his chest. "Oh, would you stop with that! There is  _nothing_  between-"

Mel feigned ignorance, "What?! I didn't say anything!"

"You  _implied_  it!"

"You're  _very_  defensive about yourself and Vanessa.  _Most_  people that are 'just friends' would shrug it off and not get  _so_  worked up about it."

" _Most_  people would stop going  _on_  and  _on_  about it once they been told, Melanie! Vanessa is  _just_  a friend that happens to be female and-"

"I'm a female friend of yours. You don't all defensive about that," Mel rebutted.

"You're my  _boss_!"

"Olivia and Alex are females and they're your friends too."

"They're...  _together_!"

Olivia couldn't help but join in, "Ah! Now I see. It's because Nessa's  _single_."

Mel replied, "So's Alan! They should  _really_  stop with the pretending and just tell the other how they feel."

Alan ran a hand through his curly hair in frustration, "Oh would you  _both_  stop, please! We are  _just_  friends and I'm  _not_  the 8th Dwarf and Vanessa's  _not_  my Snow White! Just friends, nothing more than that! Why can't a man and a woman be friends and not have people trying to push them together?"

"Don't worry Alan, I'll be 'Mopey' now and you can tease me... get me back for all the crap Kelly and I have given you these last few weeks," Mel felt her emotions starting to creep up again as she remembered her and Kelly's constant needling of the rookie during their Sunday evenings using those terms. "Olivia, where's the bathroom?"

"Down the hall, second door on the left."

As Mel disappeared, Alan turned to Olivia. "Do you think Melanie and Kelly are going to be alright? Brad wanted Melanie to stay in Winthrop and not come to New York for this holiday."

Olivia rested her hand on her stomach as the baby made her presence known, "It's for Mel and Kelly to sort out, that much I know. We can only be here and support her as much as she wants and needs. If Mel thinks being here in New York is what she needs right now, that's fine. If she wants to return to Winthrop before the week is up or even stay a little longer, that's fine too. If she wants to talk about Kelly or not talk about her, it's Mel's decision. Let's just be there for Mel, just like Alex had been here for me and you've been there for Nessa... and I  _don't_  mean that in a teasing way. Nessa's told me you've been a real good friend for her lately and she appreciates that. So do I. Nessa deserves a  _good_  friend like you, Alan... especially after everything  _she's_  been through."

"Thanks Olivia, I appreciate your honesty."

* * *

After using the toilet and buckling up her rainbow studded belt, Mel took her rings off to wash her hands. Once she dried them on the guest towel, she slipped on her commitment ring, but took a moment to reread the engraved inscription encircling the inside of her wedding ring.

**MON COEUR EST À VOUS • KEL+ MEL • BECAUSE YOU LOVED ME • JAN 18 '13 •**

_'My heart belongs to you, because you loved me'_. The Leonards most cherished wedding vow that also appropriately incorporated their bridal waltz song. Kelly's ring had the same inscription too. Mel knew her heart belonged Kelly even after everything she had said, but wasn't sure it was reciprocated now. She feared if she even attempted to contact Kelly right now, the doctor's response would be that their marriage was over and she wanted a divorce as soon as possible.

She splashed some water on her cheeks before drying her face and slipping her wedding ring back on her left ring finger. Mel exited the bathroom and had almost reached the lounge suite when she looked at the photos on the mantle.

One photo in particular.

Mel's chin began to wobble as she looked at the photo of the 6 of them only a few weeks earlier when she had presented Alan his Sheriff Combat Cross. From left to right was Alex, Olivia, Vanessa, Alan, herself and Kelly, all looking so happy even after everything that had happened for all of them to become firm friends. She choked out a sob before the tears flowed freely while looking at the photograph. Olivia and Alan were by her sides moments later, each wrapping an arm around the Winthrop Sheriff's shoulders in comfort and solidarity.

Had Melanie Leonard ruined everything between herself and her wife? There was nothing she could do right now to fix the heartbreaking mess she had created.

The only term came to Mel's mind that could describe her and Kelly's relationship currently: What will be, will be.  _Lo qué será, será_.

**_At the end of the day, some you win, some you don't,_ **  
**_So I'm glad that I'm here with some friends that I know,_**  
**_Always there with a smile saying "You're not alone",_**  
**_Singing La, La La La, Que Sera._ ~ Justice Crew (Que Sera)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> End Note: I'm aware that John Denver wrote and recorded 'Leaving on a Jet Plane', as did Peter, Paul and Mary. Chantal Kreviazuk's version is much better in my opinion. I think this is also the first chapter to feature 2 different songs. The song that ends the chapter was relatively new ( as at the initial writing of this chapter, around May 2014), but I thought it fit well in the context of the story.
> 
> End Note 2: I hope readers don't hate me as much now seeing Kelly's NOT having an affair with her old colleague, Andrea (but it was fun to imply that they were). I'd been waiting since November 2013 to write that chapter. Both Mel and Kelly Leonard are at fault, therefore you have to hate both of them if you're going to hate one of them... and honestly, I don't hate either of them but they needed a little shake up ;-)


	42. Chapter 42

"How are you today, Vanessa?"

The red head replied as she got as comfortable in the leather chair, "It's a... I think today would best be described as a mixed day for me, Doctor Lindstrom."

"How so?"

"Well... last night, for the first time since being rescued from the cabin, I didn't have a nightmare. No Lewis... no reliving my assaults in the cabin... no waking up sobbing or crying. I actually had a peaceful night's sleep."

"That's definitely a positive. So what's making today  _mixed_?"

"I had to have some medical tests done before our session, and I'm worried about the results I might receive. I know it's not good to speculate, but..." Vanessa trailed off.

"You can't help  _but_  speculate the unknown. I understand, it's basic human nature. Anything else?"

"I'm looking forward to the end of this session."

"Oh?" Peter Lindstrom raised an eyebrow in curiosity.

"Sorry, that sounds kind of bad! It's not  _quite_  what I meant."

Doctor Lindstrom gave a halfhearted laugh, "It's not the first time I've heard patients say they're looking forward to the end of sessions with myself. Some people would prefer to do anything else but talk about their problems and issues."

"What I  _meant_  is that I'm looking forward to seeing the people that rescued me and Liv after this session," Vanessa corrected.

"Are they visiting here in New York?"

"Yes, they will be visiting us for a whole week."

"You've become good friends with Melanie, Kelly and Alan."

"I have. We all have... considering how we came to know each other."

"Alan has been a supportive person throughout all this, hasn't he?" Doctor Lindstrom asked, aware at how much Vanessa mentioned him during their sessions. Mostly it was nothing more than just in passing, but the therapist doubted a session had been completed without the Winthrop Sheriff Officer being spoken about.

Vanessa's right hand closed around the heart shaped stone in her coat pocket, "He's a good friend, that's for sure. Alan understands what happened to me more than anyone else... apart from Liv, of course. He doesn't ask questions like my parents do... they  _still_  want to know what happened. I'm sure they think l was on a long term holiday or something and I haven told them all the highlights! I  _don't_  want to tell them what happened to me. They  _know_  I was raped, why do they want to know any more than  _that_? It's not going to change anything if they know more details than what I've told them. But  _Alan_... he just treats me like a friend, and he doesn't judge me. He doesn't ask questions that I don't want to answer, but if I feel like telling him something, he'll just listen. Same goes for when he tells me things, I just listen. We understand each other because we've been through similar."

"How do you mean?" Peter prompted, hoping Vanessa wouldn't shut down completely.

"I'm not sure I can tell you. I don't want to betray Alan's trust."

"Anything you say will be protected under Doctor/Patient confidentially just like when you've mentioned Olivia in our sessions. But if you don't want to speak about it, you don't have to."

The red head stayed tight lipped for some time as her eyes wandered the room before eventually saying, "Alan understands because he was repeatedly sexually assaulted when he was growing up by someone he trusted, like how I trusted Lewis." Vanessa added after a short pause, "Alan's not like any other man I've known or dated."

"Care to elaborate?"

"If I was still with my old boyfriend when all this with Lewis happened... I'm not sure I could tell him or talk to him like I can with Alan. He would be quite smothering like my father. In a way I'm glad my Dad scared him off last Thanksgiving."

"Why's that?"

"Because in hindsight, it made me realise that he was  _too_  much like my father. But Alan is the  _complete_  opposite of my old boyfriend."

"Are you thinking of staritng a relationship with Alan?"

"No!" Vanessa's response was instant and defensive.

"Why not?"

"He's a  _friend_ , nothing more than that. And besides he's... too young."

"What does age have anything to do with it?"

The red head backpedaled, "I'm not going to start dating... I'm  _not_  going to date Alan. I have to get  _me_  better first!"

"What about later?"

Vanessa hesitated as she turned the river stone over in her hand. "No, not later. I need a  _friend_ ,  _not_  a boyfriend."

"Why are you closing yourself off to the possibility?"

Her eyes widened in surprise, "I thought you were my therapist would want  _me_  to concentrate on  _me_  and not get sidetracked with a relationship!" She continued before Doctor Lindstrom could answer, "Why are  _you_ advocating for  _me_  to have a relationship with him like  _everyone_  else?"

"Advocating like  _everyone_  else?"

"Ronnie, Kelly and Mel in particular... Alex and Liv too, but not as much as Ronnie, Kelly and Melanie. They keep going  _on_  and  _on_  about it and it's tiring. I thought  _you'd_  advise me to wait-"

"We can't help when and who we fall in love with, Vanessa."

"I'm  _not_  in love with... Alan's  _just_  a  _friend_  that just happens to be  _male_!" Vanessa fumed as her hand tightened around the river stone even more, wishing this session with Doctor Peter Lindstrom would end even faster now.

* * *

"I hope you don't mind but I have something I need to pick up before Nessa's session ends," Liv said as she parked the Mustang a block away from Doctor Lindstrom's office and indicated up the street.

"Something for Alex?" Mel asked.

"No, but I would like for you both to come with me."

Olivia held open the door of the jewellery store as Melanie and Alan entered.

The female sales assistant approached, "Can I help you, ma'am?"

"I was told I could pick up a special order for Olivia Benson," Liv said as she handed over a receipt from inside her leather jacket.

"Just wait here and we'll take a look," the sales assistant passed the receipt to the jeweller.

As the jeweller disappeared out the back of the store, Liv couldn't help looking at the prominent display of engagement rings in the display cabinet she was next to. She also couldn't help but sigh, this was part of what she wanted to talk to Mel and Kelly. But now... it had all changed with the Doctor being overseas and the Sheriff unsure of the state of their marriage now.

"Thinking of proposing to  _someone_?" Mel gave Olivia a playful nudge, seeing the brunette eyeing off the various different diamond settings.

"Ahh..." Olivia sighed again, noticing that Alan was looking intently at necklaces a few display cabinets further down.

"You can tell me and I  _won't_  tell a certain blonde ADA. Kept her surprise picnic lunch quiet, remember."

"I remember, thanks for that. But... do you really want to talk about stuff like marriage, considering everything?"

"Hey, just because  _I_  might have screwed up  _my_  marriage with Kelly, doesn't mean I won't talk about marriage."

"After we pick up Nessa, can we have some lunch in Central Park and talk privately? It'll give Nessa and Alan some time  _together_ , if they want to eat with us."

Mel looked over at Alan then back at Olivia, "On one condition."

"What's that?"

"I want one of those famous New York hotdogs with  _everything_."

"Done!" Olivia agreed just as the jeweller returned with 2 small, flat, square navy blue velvet boxes.

"I hope these are acceptable, Ms Benson."

"We'll find out soon enough!" Liv turned and held out a velvet box in each hand, "Sheriff Leonard, Sheriff Officer Irvine... these are for you as a thankyou. I'm not a religious person, and I don't know either of your own religious affiliations, but... it's a cop thing, I guess."

Melanie and Alan both opened their respective boxes to see a Sterling Silver snake neck chain with a round Sterling Silver St Michael Police medallion on one side, with the quote ' _Keep us safe, day and night. Give us courage, strength, and might_ ' being surrounded by ' _PATRON SAINT OF POLICE_ ' on the other.

Alan looked up, "You didn't need to do this, Olivia."

"I know _,_  but I'm not sure either of you do or will truly understand how grateful I am for what you both did back in September."

"Just doing our job, you know that. You'd know that more than  _anyone_  else, being a cop yourself!" said Melanie.

Liv looked back at the engagement rings as she muttered, "We'll talk about that at lunch too."

* * *

Vanessa exited Doctor Lindstrom's office and stopped in her tracks as she reentered the waiting room, even though she knew Olivia, Melanie, Kelly and Alan would be waiting for her. She couldn't see Kelly, but she could definitely see a brunette, a blonde... and a certain curly haired rookie. He was trying valiently not to smile, but those dimples suddenly made their appearance on his baby faced cheeks. Vanessa was thankful she wasn't one of those people to blush red, but she felt her skin ripple with goosebumps and her heart beat faster as she approached the group.

"Hi," Vanessa said.

"Hey," Alan replied.

"Get a room already!" Mel whispered to Olivia, which made the brunette bite the inside of her cheek so she wouldn't laugh. The shaggy blonde addressed Vanessa and informed her of Kelly's absence, the main reason behind it and offered her apologies on behalf of Kel.

Liv pointed towards the door with her thumb after a brief pause, "We ready to go, Ness?"

"Yeah lets get out of here, I've had enough of doctors today. And no, no definitive results yet, Liv."

Olivia nodded in understanding as they all left the waiting room and headed towards the elevator.

"Alan and Vanessa, will the both of you be joining Olivia and me for lunch?" Mel asked as they entered. Alan stood on the far left of the elevator, Vanessa on the far right, Mel and Olivia with their backs almost against the elevator wall in the middle.

Vanessa explained, "I-I... we  _would_ , but... Alan's helping me look at cars this afternoon."

"Yeah, that's right." Alan confirmed.

The red head added, " _You_  know what happened last time I went looking at cars, Liv... and Alan knows a  _lot_  about cars."

Alan nodded his head, "I do."

"That fine, I was just wondering." Mel decided to ramp up the awkwardness and put them both on the spot, "I know you've said your accommodation's been taken care of... so,  _where_  are you staying tonight, Alan?"

"Bronx."

"Brooklyn."

Vanessa and Alan looked at each other in panic after speaking over the top of each other, each having been sure they had agreed on the same location in their previous conversations.

"Which one?" Olivia tried not to laugh, knowing those locations were several miles apart, on the east side of New York and nowhere near New Jersey.

"Brooklyn."

"Bronx."

Vanessa and Alan once again looked at each other in panic, neither sure who was right and who was wrong now.

Liv cleared her throat, "Can I make a suggestion? Once you've both decided which New York borough it's going to be, I think Alan should probably stay with you in Hackensack, Nessa."

"We're  _just_  friends!" Alan and Vanessa said in unison.

"We  _know_!" Mel and Liv groaned in unison as the doors of the elevator slid open.

* * *

"You guessed correctly in the jewellery store. I am seriously thinking of proposing to Alex, at the right time of course." Olivia said before taking a mouthful of her chicken salad wrap, as she and Melanie sat on a bench in Shakespeare's Garden within Central Park.

"I  _knew_  it! When?"

Liv covered her mouth as she spoke, "That's for  _me_  to decide! But I'm thinking sooner rather than later... maybe Christmas? What I'd love to know is: how did you propose to Kelly?"

Melanie swallowed the last bite of her hotdog, " _Veux-tu m'épouser_?"

"You asked her in French?"

"Technically, we both proposed to each other in French."

" _Both_  proposed?"

Mel wiped her mouth with a napkin then tossed the trash in a nearby can before opening her bottle of iced tea, "Kel asked me... ' _Veux-tu m'épouser_?'... when the same sex marriage became legal in Massachusetts in May 2004. We both knew it would take a long time for other states to follow suit, so we decided to have a commitment ceremony until we  _could_  get legally married," Mel indicated her middle finger on her right hand. "We'd both talked about having a commitment ceremony for some time, and we decided the time was right for us. We had the ceremony on the 4th July in memory of when we first met at the Stanton family barbecue. Kelly and I always said when same sex marriage became legal in Maine, we'd get married  _then_. When the vote was finally passed in November 2012 from the referendum, Kelly was at work at Augusta General. I left the station in Winthrop as soon as I knew the majority outcome and drove to the hospital, only stopping to buy a bunch of flowers on the way. I got a couple of Kel's co-workers to ' _admit_ ' me," Melanie said using air quotes, "to an exam cubicle as a female patient in her early to mid 40's presenting with severe arrhythmia... heart palpitations."

"You're kidding!"

"Nope! When Kelly pulled the curtain open, I was already down on bended knee, in my uniform, with the bunch of violets in my hands and I asked her-"

" _Veux-tu m'épouser_?"

"Exactly. Will you marry me."

"The Doc obviously said yes."

"Only after she gave me a verbal tirade for wasting hospital time and resources! But I think that tirade was more for the benefit of Kelly's boss who saw me propose to her... but Kelly didn't know at the time that  _he_  was one of the co-workers I asked to 'admit' me so I could propose like that," Mel chuckled before falling silent remembering. She broke her reverie after a beat, "Soo... how are you going to propose to  _your_  fair lady?"

"I haven't thought that far ahead."

"Do it in your uniform!"

Olivia lamented at the suggestion, "That could be... a little difficult."

"For being heavily pregnant?"

"No, if I quit the force."

"You might be  _quitting_?!  _Why_?!" Mel's eyes widened in surprise.

"I don't know if I can keep doing it after everything... especially after holding a gun on my assigned work partner."

"HOLY SHIT! You didn't?"

"I did. A couple of days after Alex and I returned and Cragen said I should sit the Sergeant's exam after mandatory time off. As I exited the Captain's office, I thought Amaro was Lewis and he was trying to kidnap Alex from the squad room."

"You never said anything all this time!"

Liv spoke before she finished the last of her wrap, "It's not a fun conversation to have  _now_ , let alone over Skype. I haven't even been able to bring myself to apologise to Nick."

"You should. You  _really_  should."

"I know. My therapist said I should too, I just... how do I do it? Do I just say:  _Hey Nick, sorry for holding a gun to the back of your head. We're still cool, right?_ "

"Works for me," Mel said with a nonchalant shrug. "You and I both know what the job can do."

"It just doesn't seem saying sorry like  _that_  is enough though. Besides, what if I don't pause next time? Or Alex isn't there to talk me down? What if I pull the trigger and kill someone?"

"You won't know if you put in your papers," Mel said quietly. "What are you going to do then, if you don't return to SVU?"

"Maybe I might become a rape crisis counsellor," Olivia said as she disposed of her trash and resumed her seat.

"Liv? Can I ask you why you became a police officer?"

"My Mom was raped in 1967... I'm the result. She reported the rape to the police, but nothing happened. It was a different time back then, and Mom had no family support because she was young, single and pregnant. She couldn't get an abortion either because it wasn't until 1970 that the laws were repealed in New York. Mom coped as best she could under the circumstances, but I was on the receiving end of a lot of emotional abuse growing up... even some physical when she was drunk out of her mind to dull the pain," Olivia unconsciously brushed a tip of her finger over the scar above her right eyebrow as she ran a hand through her short hair. "I never understood why my Mom was like the way she was towards me until she told me what happened to her in one of her drunken stupors. After I found out and comprehended what 'rape' meant, I vowed to get justice for women and men like my Mom because she didn't... and the man that raped not only Mom but several other women went on to father my half brother, who I prefer not to have much to do with, even though Simon named his daughter after me. I also vowed the same justice for children like myself... so I became a police officer because that fit the bill the most for me. I wanted to be the protector for those that couldn't protect themselves."

"That was a  _little_  more heavy than I expected," Melanie said quietly after a long silence.

"I assume it exceeded your expectations then?" Liv quipped. "Don't worry Mel, it's not a story I tell many people but you deserved to know the truth. Why did  _you_  join the force?"

"Everyone would think that I joined because I was just following in Dad and Bradley's footsteps, and maybe I did? But I like to think I joined because I wanted to make a difference in the world... protect and serve, and all that jazz. I remember Dad saying that he got to put away all the bad guys when Brad and I were growing up, and Mom being so proud of him... I wanted to do that too, and have someone be just as proud of me. Oh, and the Sheriff uniform looked damn  _fine_!" Melanie chuckled, and Olivia couldn't help but laugh too. "Kel  _loves_  my uniform... women  _love_  the uniform!"

Liv agreed, "That they certainly do."

"When was the last time Alex saw you in yours?"

" _Too_  long ago. Maybe 10 or 11 years ago?" Olivia replied, remembering that Alex never saw her the day the SVU squad had their updated uniform photos taken before she was abducted by Lewis Williams. Liv's mind briefly wandered to the dress bag now hanging in the closet containing her dress uniform and pointed cap. She imagined the 3 chevrons that could be added to the dark navy blue dress jacket, and a gold shield with an eagle at the top pinned to her chest, not the shield that viciously branded the tanned skin of her right scapula. Seeing Alex so proud for her achievement at the Sergeant's ceremony with their daughter strapped to the ADA's torso or maybe cradled protectively in her arms, and seeing Fin receiving his promotion to Sergeant as well. Liv let the thought fade away, it wasn't going to happen. "I don't get to wear the uniform much being a plain clothed Detective with the NYPD."

"I'm sure Vanessa liked it when she danced with Alan in his uniform, so just wait until she sees him in his full dress uniform for his Combat Cross... and a couple of  _other_  awards."

"He's getting more accolades?"

"Alan doesn't know it but..."

Olivia let out a low whistle when Melanie told her of the 2 other awards Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine would be receiving at the award ceremony in Augusta in the first week of December.

"Nice big surprise for the  _just friends_ , so keep it quiet!" Mel whispered conspiratorially.

"As long as you keep quiet about me looking at engagement rings."

"Done."

They continued chatting for quite some time before Olivia groaned, "Hey! That's Mommy you're kicking sweetie, not a football!"

"She being bit active right now?"

"A bit?! That's the understatement of the week." Liv indicated to her stomach, "Do you want to feel?"

"If you're fine with it," Melanie shifted closer as Olivia guided her hand to where the baby had been kicking. It didn't take long for baby Brianna to make her presence known to the Sheriff.

"Wow! She reminds me of when Heather was pregnant with my niece... very wriggly!" Mel removed her hand, "Any further advancement on her first name?"

"Apart from the 4 left on the list, no. But I  _think_  have an inkling of what name will be  _my_  final choice. Alex hasn't said anything, but I  _think_  she does too. Actually, Alex and I wanted to ask you and Kelly something, but I don't know if I should ask now."

"Still ask if you want. If it's a yes or no question, the worst will only be no."

"Alex and I would like you and Kelly to be special aunts to our daughter, like Nessa will be. You know about my...  _father_... and my mother's deceased. Same goes with Alex's parents, they're both deceased. Apart from her mommies, this little one will only really have a grandmother and an uncle... you'll meet Gloria and Doom when we go to the theatre tomorrow night, and Doom's boyfriend, Rafael. Alex and I want our daughter having a large extended 'special family' with very important and trusted people from our lives in her life."

"Family is what you make it, it doesn't have to be blood. Kelly left her family, and she and I made our own. Whether or not we're still a family, only time will tell. Even so, I know I'd  _love_  to be a special aunt to baby Brianna. I'm fairly certain Kelly will too, but I'll ask her if... when she finally contacts. We're always being told by our nephews and niece that we're  _awesome_  aunts, I'm sure we can be just as awesome for  _your_  daughter."

"Thankyou, Alex and I would appreciate that." Olivia asked a question she had wondered about for a while, "Did you and Kelly ever think about having kids?"

Mel nodded her head slightly as her eyes scanned over the nearby gardens, seemingly lost in a memory. The Winthrop Sheriff looked down at her hands, her eyes darting from her commitment ring to her wedding ring. "We have a son..." Her grey eyes met with brown ones as she corrected herself, "... we had a son."

* * *

Nick Amaro's eyes scanned the immediate surroundings as he jogged towards his assigned area of Belvedere Castle near Turtle Pond in Central Park. The creep that they were looking for had been approaching young children and asking them to help look for a lost puppy between the 79th Street Transverse and 85th Street Transverse over the last couple of days. The description of the 'puppy guy' matched a known pedophile on the New York Sex Offenders Registry with his distinctive 'Love Kids' knuckle tattoos, who would be breaking his parole if he was anywhere near children. Thankfully no child had been harmed so far, but SVU weren't taking any chances. Nick could hear the chatter of the other SVU detectives and Captain Cragen from the hidden ear piece as he approached his destination.

"Anything, Dumas?"

"Negative at Softball Field 6, Cap. Heading towards Field 7, then to Arthur Ross Pinetum."

"Copy. Munch?"

"A whole lot of nothing here at the Diana Ross Playground. Making my way over to Summit Rock."

Amaro continued to watch carefully as he headed west.

"Fin, talk to me."

"Not a thing at Mariner's Gate Playground. Going to Abraham and Joseph Spector Playground now."

"Alright. Rollins?"

"Nothing here. I'm gonna leave the King Jagiello Monument and head towards Cleopatra's Needle now."

"Copy that. Amaro?"

Nick discreetly raised his hand that held the tiny microphone, "Nada at Belvedere Castle. Approaching Shakespeare's Garden."

"Eyes and ears people. Keep in contact," Cragen was hidden within a TARU vehicle on the perimeter of Central Park.

Amaro pulled up the hoodie of his sweatshirt to cover his head and continued towards his new destination. Even though Amanda Rollins was back, and Joe Dumas had stayed on, he and the squad was still missing an integral member. And right now, another pair of trained eyes and ears would be very helpful in this situation. He slowed jogging as he approached Shakespeare's Garden to observe the nearby people. Noone matching the description of the pedophile was in the vicinity. Just as he was about to continue on, Nick did a double take as he recognised the brunette woman sitting with a blonde that he didn't know.

Olivia had just ended an intimate embrace with the woman and was now cradling the face of the blonde. His eyes widened as Liv leant closer and kissed the blonde near the corner of her mouth before they held each other again.

"I see him, and he's approaching a child! Location is Cleopatra's Needle!" Amanda's voice suddenly spoke in Amaro's ear.

Being the closest SVU detective, Nick took off in the direction of Amanda Rollins. His mind still reeling at what he had observed between his work partner and some other woman, who certainly  _wasn't_  Alex Cabot.

* * *

"Hey Liv, Melanie. Where's Kelly?" Alex said rapidfire as she approached after exiting the 1-6.

"Kel's somewhere between here and the Philippines with the MSF teams."

The ADA asked as she gave the Sheriff a hug after discreetly kissing the brunette, "Typhoon Haiyan?"

"Yeah. Sorry she's not here even though we've had this visiting you in New York planned for some time, but it's important to her. There's other things about our relationship I need to tell you, but I'll tell you later."

"Can we wait a minute? I need to apologise to Nick for the incident in the squad room," Olivia spied a certain detective exit. "Hey Nick!"

Amaro looked over and saw who was approaching before he started walking again.

"I want to apologise to you-"

Nick cut Olivia off, "It's not me you should be saying sorry to."

"Excuse me?!"

" _You_  should be apologising to  _Cabot_  after what I saw  _you_  doing in the park today."

"What? You're making no sense."

" _YOU_  were kissing  _HER_!" Nick's voice rose as he pointed his finger towards Mel. "Cabot! Liv's cheating on you and you deserve to know the truth!"

"WHAT?! I did NO such thing!" Olivia cried out as Alex and Melanie quickly approached the distressed brunette.

"You need help. You hold a gun to the back of my head in the squad room, and you're now denying having an affair!"

"An  _affair_?! I would  _never_  cheat on Alex." Olivia's eyes searched for the blue ones she loved and cared for, " _Fidelis ad mortem_ , sweetheart. You  _have_  to believe me."

"Faithful unto death. I know and I do," Alex murmured while interlacing her fingers with Olivia's.

"Don't lie, Liv! I'm an independent witness to your  _infidelity_!" Amaro barked.

Mel rolled her eyes at the SVU detective's accusation, "You saw  _nothing_.  _We_  were having lunch and and  _you're_  grasping at thin air!"

Nick folded his arms defensively, "I saw you  _both_  on one of the benches in Shakespeare's Garden while we were looking for a perp! You embraced each other and then-"

The Winthrop Sheriff let fly without hesitation, "I don't know or care who the hell you  _think_  you are, or what the hell you  _think_  you saw, or what  _conclusion_  you decided to jump to... the fact is you saw Olivia  _comforting_ me-"

"Is  _that_  what you call it these days?  _Comforting_?"

"- while I was telling her about my son, who was stillborn! Liv  _hugged_  me, wiped away my tears and kissed my  _cheek_." The shaggy blonde indicated the spot with her hand. " _Nothing_  more than  _that_!"

Nick felt the blood drain from his face as reality sunk in. That was not the lame ass excuse he was expecting to be given from the unknown blonde.

Melanie continued, "I don't talk about my son very often because talking about him is even more upsetting than you can  _ever_  imagine, unless  _you've_  lost a child  _yourself_."

"I-I didn't-" Amaro stuttered, realising his terrible error.

"Know? No, you didn't! Be that as it may,  _you_  added together a woman in a relationship with another woman, and a lesbian who's marriage might be crumbling and came up with an  _affair_. My marriage  _might_  be over, but I would  _never_  cheat on my wife! And I have nothing but the utmost respect for Liv and Alex's relationship. Not only have you disrespected Olivia and myself with your  _unfounded_  accusation, but you've also disrespected Alex, my wife and my son! I hope you feel like shit because what you just accused us of was utter shit," Melanie turned on her heels and stalked towards the Mustang.

Liv following after the Sheriff, not before giving Amaro an icy glare.

Alex rounded on the SVU detective, "What the  _fuck_  is wrong with you, Amaro? That's one of the people that  _saved_  Olivia from Lewis Williams in Maine!"

"I didn't know. I-I thought-"

"I  _don't_  want to hear it. Now the possibility of Liv returning to SVU had just shrunk even further after that clusterfuck you just lobbed. Congratulations!" Alex hissed before she took off after Olivia and Mel.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might need tissues for this chapter, I know I did. I've known this part of the story has been coming since ch14 when I wrote Melanie and Kelly's backstories, and was reminded again in ch28 and 30. I will put a trigger warning for this chapter for anyone who may have ever contemplated suicide or had suicidal thoughts. As with past chapters, it's nothing graphic, but I believe the warning is warranted. Please believe me when I say even in the darkest time of a person's life, things do eventually get better :-). *HUG*

"I can't believe you said that!" Vanessa admonished with a laugh as she and the rookie departed the used car lot.

Alan looked back over his shoulder, "Well that salesman... no, sales shark...  _should_  be arrested for trying to sell that heap of crap he called a car! 3 of the 4 tires were balding, and one of the cylinders wasn't working! You know, for the amount of money you've set aside, you could buy a new model of that car."

"No, they're a few of thousand out of my price range."

Alan stopped walking, "Where's the closest dealership of that particular car?"

"A few blocks away, but I just told you I can't afford the new one!"

"Show me," Alan held out his right hand for Vanessa to take as he kept his left hand in his jacket pocket.

Vanessa slipped her left hand in Alan's while keeping her right hand inside her coat pocket with the heart shaped river stone, "I can't-"

"Lead the way!"

"Alan!"

"Vanessa, the end of the year is coming. The car dealerships will want to sell as many of this year's model as possible to make way for the next year's models. Now, if you're as ruthless as I think you would be in the court room, you should get a good discount off the price. Trust me!"

"You think so?" The red head began walking in the direction of the dealership, relishing the warmth of his soft hand against hers.

"I  _know_  so! You play along with them, you let them give their sales spiel, then when they think they've got a sale,  _you_  go in for the kill. If they say they can't do anything or the discount is really lame, walk away."

"We'll see." Vanessa asked after a few moments, "What are you doing for the holidays this year?"

Alan shrugged, "Most likely work. Why?"

"You know my birthday is-"

"2 days before Christmas."

"Yeah. Well... we have a thing with the Meyer family each year that we can invite a guest to join us for the holiday. I was wondering... if... you'd like to... accompany me to Ohio for my birthday and Christmas this year?"

"But your Dad doesn't like me. He made that  _very_  clear when I returned you to the Medical Centre after you went for a walk."

"My  _Dad's_  not inviting you. _I am_. I want  _you_  to be  _my_  guest, Alan Irvine."

"I'd have to ask Sheriff Leonard if I can have the time off."

"Could you ask her when we go back to Alex's for dinner? I'd like to let my family know so Mom knows how much food will be needed."

"If Melanie says yes, then yes I'll go to Ohio with you for your birthday and Christmas." Alan couldn't help but ask, "If you already knew you could ask someone, and you wanted to ask me... why didn't you just ask me over the phone?"

The red head smiled, "I wanted to ask you in person."

* * *

Vanessa and Alan were approached by the saleswoman as they walked around the showroom, "Can I help you?"

"I hope so. We were wanting to know a little more about that particular car," Vanessa indicated the little red hatchback with her right hand, not wanting to let got of Alan's hand any time soon. She specifically wanted a hatchback this time. Cars similar to her old car with enclosed trunks made her a little nervous.

"Are you sure you want the 3 door model? Young married couples such as yourselves usually go for the 5 door model."

"We're..." Vanessa was about to say 'not married', but instead the words that came out of her mouth were, "... sure."

"We're sure," Alan reaffirmed Vanessa's statement to the saleswoman with a slight squeeze to the red head's hand.

Just as Alan said, the saleswoman began her sales spiel, highlighting all the advantages of this little car over all the rival models and how affordable it was.

Vanessa queried, "And the price on the windscreen... that's the best price you can do?"

"I could take the $999 off the price, but that's about all I could do for that model."

"That's a real shame for this year's model," Vanessa lamented. "Your rivals a few blocks away were going to take off 3 times that amount seeing they're wanting to make room for next year's models."

"And don't forget they were going to throw in free servicing for a couple of years too," Alan added.

Vanessa looked Alan, "Looks like they were right, we  _couldn't_  find a better deal anywhere else. Let's go back and see them. Thankyou very much for your time."

The saleswoman called out as Alan and Vanessa began to leave, "Wait! Let me go and speak to my superior and see what we can come up with."

Alan nudged Vanessa playfully as the saleswoman headed towards the office, "Told you!"

A few minutes later, the saleswoman returned. "We can match all of that and throw in a free $1000 gas card and a full tank of gas too. Can they beat that?"

"Ah, no. They can't," Vanessa shook her head, a little shocked at the great deal she was getting.

"Looks like you get your new car today!" Alan smiled.

The saleswoman extended her hand, "Thankyou for doing business with us, Mr and Mrs?"

"Irvine," Vanessa replied without missing a beat, shaking the proffered hand.

"Mr and Mrs Irvine. I'm sure you're going to love your new car!" the saleswoman said as they headed towards the office so the necessary paperwork could be signed.

"Why did you say my last name?" Alan whispered.

"Well I wasn't going to have her say Meyer, because Mr and Mrs Meyer are my parents!"

"So?"

"Well, she thought  _we_  were married, so I told her  _your_  name!" the red head justified.

Neither of them would admit that they liked the sound of that: Mr and Mrs Irvine.

* * *

The Winthrop Sheriff waited at the Mustang as Olivia approached, and Alex a few steps behind her. She pulled her phone from her pocket out of habit, willing the little piece of technology to light up and ring, but the screen remained dark and blank. She needed the distraction after what had just transpired. This was supposed to be a wonderful holiday visiting Olivia, Alex and Vanessa in New York with Kelly and Alan, but to Mel it seemed that everything was crumbling down around her. Her wife was on the other side of the world, and now she had been accused of cheating with the woman she'd rescued in Shakespeare's Garden.

Nothing could have been further from the truth...

_"Did you and Kelly ever think about having kids?" Olivia asked after thanking the Sheriff for agreeing to be a special aunt to her and Alex's daughter._

_Mel nodded her head slightly as her eyes scanned over the nearby gardens, seemingly lost in a memory. The Winthrop Sheriff looked down at her hands, her eyes darting from her commitment ring to her wedding ring. "We have a son..." Her grey eyes met with brown ones as she corrected herself, "... we had a son."_

_"Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't-"_

_"No need to apologise for asking Liv, you didn't know. It's not something Kelly and I talk about often... the loss of our son," Melanie gave a tight lipped smile. "Do you remember-"_

_"You don't have to explain, Mel."_

_"Olivia, you told me something very personal about yourself and you didn't have to do that. I think it's only fair that I reciprocate in kind now. I'll say from the outset that I'll most likely cry at one stage or another though, and I ask that you don't say anything to Kelly until I've had the opportunity to tell her that I've told you. She's very private about it... we both are to be honest, but we never deny his brief existence in our lives."_

_Liv nodded in comprehension._

_"Do you remember when you were at our house in Winthrop... you apologised to me when you ended up on the bathroom floor and I said it wasn't the first time I'd picked up a woman off the floor of 'Château de Léonard'?"_

_"You said at the time it usually happened after a young child or baby that Kelly hadn't been able to save... or sometimes an older patient."_

_"Usually she can disassociate herself when she has her white coat or her scrubs on, kind of like we have to when we're on the job and we're in uniform... well, you know."_

_"I understand what you're inferring."_

_Mel added, "And do you remember when Kelly talked about her volunteering with MSF and American Red Cross after Alex talked about her experience with the ICC to Vanessa?"_

_"Umm... let me see?" The brunette searched her memory of that evening, "The Indonesian Tsunami, then Katrina, then Haiti."_

_"Keep those in mind while I tell you all this. Now... 2004 was Indonesian Tsunami. Katrina was 2005. Haiti wasn't until 2010," Mel indicated the time distance with her hands._

_"Big gap between Katrina and Haiti," commented Olivia._

_"After our commitment ceremony in July 2004, we started talking about the possibility of having children and how we should go about it. Kelly being the medical doctor took the drivers seat on all that stuff but I had my input too, she made sure I did because we're equals on our relationship. We agreed on what we hoped would occur, but before we did anything, the Indonesian tsunami hit the day after Christmas in 2004 and Kelly was gone for almost 6 months with MSF. She didn't want to be away for so long, but I convinced her it was the right thing for her to do after seeing the destruction left behind on the news reports. It was bad over there in Banda Aceh, but it wasn't just Indonesia that had been affected in that tsunami. She'd only been back home in Augusta a short while when Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans in August 2005. Kelly didn't want to go away again so fast, but I knew she wanted to help... it's in her nature to do that, and I encouraged her to do so if she wanted to. She was gone for 4 months with the American Red Cross, and got back home just before Christmas 2005. After she returned from helping with Katrina and we had reconnected with each other after our time apart, we approached Brad and Heather to ask if Brad would consider donating sperm so if we were able to have children, our child or children would have the closest genetics of myself... a mixture of Leonard and Zimmerley was what we wanted. He and Heather didn't even bat an eyelid and said yes without a second thought. We considered IUI... Interuterine insemination-"_

_"Artificial insemination?"_

_"That's correct. However we opted for IVF with Kelly's eggs instead, so either of us could carry. Kel went through with all the pre-cycle treatment, the multiple hormone shots, the blood work, the harvesting, co-incubating and such... no problem with the male fertility aspect! Brad's 'swimmers' were deemed fantastic, but we kind of already knew that! We ended up with 10 viable embryos in total, all 3 day cleavage stage embryos. The first 2 implanted didn't take, which we knew that wasn't uncommon. Of the 2 implanted in the next round, Kelly was pregnant for 12 weeks before she miscarried them. It crushed us both and we waited several months before trying again. I said I'd try this time and Kelly said she'd have one last go, hoping that we'd increase our chances and maybe be pregnant together. The 3rd time was the charm for us when one of the 2 eggs took for Kelly at the beginning of 2007. Unfortunately, mine didn't take. We held our breaths as the 12 weeks came and went without incident. At 16 weeks, we found out we were having a little boy. Honestly, it didn't surprise us seeing Brad and Heather's kids were all boys at the time... 5 boys."_

_"Everything was going fine with the pregnancy, and the OBGYN was happy too. Kelly was craving anything and everything potatoes. Mashed, boiled, roasted, baked, french fries, steak fries, curly fries, tater tots, potato chips of any brand and flavour... however she could get her 'pommes de terre'," Mel paused and started giggling at a particular amusing memory. Olivia raised her eyebrows in curiosity, but Melanie took a moment to compose herself before continuing, "Our sex life was fantastic before, but... those baby hormones ramped up Kelly's sex drive exponentially. A couple of times she wore me out while wearing a strap on, so I'd just lay back or sit on a chair and let her do all the work!" Mel stopped suddenly as she fathomed what she'd just revealed, "Shit! I shouldn't have said that. Sorry!"_

_Olivia reassured the blonde, "It's alright. I know what those hormones are like... Alex and I are slowly working through it right now seeing I still don't know if I was raped or not."_

_The Sheriff's voice started to waiver and crack, "Kelly was 7 months pregnant when she suffered placental abruption during the night at our apartment. I called the paramedics but it was no use because our son died in-utero. Kel had to have a partial hysterectomy because of the abruption. I got to hold our son for a little while, but Kelly didn't get to because she was in surgery. He was small and so beautiful... just looked like he was sleeping in my arms. I told him his full name and that his Momma and Maman loved him very much. The nurse helped get footprints and handprints..."_

_Melanie broke down with heavy sobs as Olivia wrapped her arms the Sheriff, giving the blonde the emotional support she needed while revealing this part of her life. Liv pulled back and thumbed away the tears slipping down Melanie's cheek._

_"Glad I'm not one of those people that goes horribly red in the face when they cry," Mel murmured as she attempted to compose herself._

_"You don't have to tell me any more," replied Olivia and pressed a tiny kiss on Mel's cheek before hugging the blonde again._

_"But then you'll only know half the story. There's still more to tell," Mel commented as she noticed a man in long sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt jogging past them a short distance away._

_Liv took Mel's hand and held it in reassurance, "Take your time then, and stop whenever you need to. We have all afternoon before we pick up Alex from the 1-6, and Nessa and Alan will meet us back at the apartment after looking at cars... or whatever 'just friends' excuse they'll come up with."_

_Melanie barked out a laugh at before she fell silent. It took the shaggy blonde a few minutes to start talking again._

_"After we lost the baby... I knew I had to be strong for Kel. I made all the funeral arrangements while she recovered from surgery. The day of the funeral, Kel was released from hospital. Seeing that tiny white coffin being lowered into the ground was the most heartbreaking thing I'd ever seen... but I couldn't cry because Kelly needed me and I was just numb from everything that had transpired in those few days. About a month after the funeral Kelly was crying in the spare bedroom which was to be our son's room, clutching a little blue blanket we had bought. I wrapped my arms around her and finally started to cry too. She asked me why I was crying and I said 'I know what you're going through, we lost our son'. She looked at me and said with so much spite and bitterness that **I**  had absolutely no idea what  **she** was going though.  **I**  wasn't the one that lost our baby,  **she**  was. **I**  didn't feel our son growing and kicking,  **she**  was the one. She threw it all in my face, all her pain, her anger, her hurt and a few terms in French that I care not to repeat. After she'd finished, I threw all my pain and heartbreak right back at her. I said bitterly 'she was right, I didn't know... I'd just been feeling him kick and watching him grow from a different perspective, but what I  **did**  know was the woman I loved was hurting and so was I because  **our**  son was gone'. I left the room and went to the office, grabbed my service weapon out of my lock box. When I returned to lounge room and clipped the holster to my belt, Kel asked from the spare bedroom doorway what was I doing. I said to her, 'What did  **she**  care what  **I**  was doing?  **She**  was the one who lost a son, not  **me**.' I grabbed my car keys and left the apartment... I saw Kelly exiting the apartment complex as I drove away. I drove around Augusta for a while before I drove to Winthrop. I went to where I knew I had to go... the cabin. I knew it was so peaceful and quiet out there near Lake Cobbosseecontee. I wondered if that was the place for it..."_

_"For it?" Olivia hesitated to ask, fearing she already knew the answer._

_Mel mimed holding a gun to her head with her hand before wiping away a fresh wave of tears._

_"As I sat on the steps of the cabin, I held the gun in my hand and wondered what would be the best way? Under the chin?... In my mouth?... Right temple?... Left temple?... Middle of my forehead? All I kept thinking was it would have been so quick and easy to end it all, but very messy for whoever found me... most likely my own brother or a co-worker. Then I wondered if it should be directly through my heart seeing it was completely shattered. After about an hour of contemplation and realising that shooting myself wasn't the answer, I hopped in the car and visited my mother's grave near Narrow's Pond."_

_"Isn't that where Alex and I had our picnic?"_

_"Yeah. At the end of that road is one of Winthrop's cemeteries. I stayed for a short time at my mother's grave, wondering what I should do. As I left and drove again, I wondered if I should drive the car into one of the nearby ponds or lakes instead because that wouldn't be as messy as a 9mm bullet to the brain or body. I ended up driving to the cemetery in Augusta where we'd buried our son instead. I broke down crying as I knelt in front of his little grave, I don't know how long for. After I while I just started talking to our son... telling him about everything I remembered... the look of happiness I saw on Kel's face when she looked at the pregnancy test... how fearful we were when 12 weeks came around... the look of joy when we saw him on the ultrasound for the first time... how Kelly started eating frozen french fries at 3 in the morning because they weren't cooking fast enough in the oven!... how I remember feeling him move for the first time... all those little things, and that I would give my own life up to have him back just for Kelly. I nearly shit myself when I felt Kelly's arms wrap around me and she said 'if you did that honey, then I wouldn't have the person I need the most right now'. She had heard everything I'd said to our son because the cemetery was where she'd gone to right away by taxi, thinking I'd have gone there first. I didn't see Kel on one of the benches when I arrived at our son's grave. She said to me she finally realised the pain I was going through seeing I was trying to be so strong for her. I stood up and we just clung to each other while we both broke down. She told me that **she**  thought she'd failed  **me** because she hadn't been able to carry our son to full term. She assumed me not crying was me being cold, distant and so disappointed in her just like her family was when they kicked her out the house after she came out to them. I told her  **nothing**  could be further from the truth. I told her why I hadn't cried before that day and that she could  **never**  disappoint me. We promised that we'd never throw our anger and pain at each other like that again... that we'd always talk things through like we always did, even if we had to take some time before we talked. I broke that very promise a few days ago... we both did."_

_Mel took a tiny sip of her drink before continuing, "Loosing a child is more heartbreaking than I ever thought imaginable. I lost my Mom with I was 19 and I thought that was bad, but it paled in comparison to losing our son. We each broke down several times, but Kelly moreso. Each time it happened, we picked each other up and slowly moved forward with our lives. When Heather fell pregnant for the 6th time with our niece a couple of months later, I wondered what would happen. Kel but on a brave face, we both did actually. But at our apartment, she broke down again and I was there for her. It wasn't until late 2008 when Kelly brought up the subject of the last 2 embryos and asked if I would try one last time, but unfortunately they didn't take either. We decided not to try IVF again even though Kelly still had her ovaries, so we looked into adoption in 2009. It looked like we were finally going to become Moms... but the birth mother decided to go with another couple, not because we were 'lesbians', but because the other couple were 'husband and wife'. Take that statement whichever way you want. A few months later, we began the process again and tried not to get our hopes up. Just a month out from the birth, the mother...a young high school student... she opted to keep the baby. That stirred up too many memories being so close to the end, so to speak. We figured the 'Big Man in the sky' had different plans for us for becoming Moms than we did, and we were destined to just be a family of 2 because I started menopause after that... so we decided to walk away from adoption because we couldn't go through the rejection for a third time."_

_Olivia explained she knew all too well the heartbreak associated with adoption, having been rejected outright due to being single, not having any extended family support system, and not having set hours with work. Basically, the agency hadn't seen her as 'prime parent material'. That seemed like a lifetime ago now for the brunette... some months before Sealview and Kurt Moss, just after Kathy Stabler gave birth to Eli actually. She was drawn from her thoughts as the blonde began talking again._

_"When the earthquake hit Haiti in January 2010, I could see Kelly was torn. I knew on one hand she wanted to help, but on the other I knew how emotionally draining it could be on her after everything that had happened with us and with what happens during her MSF stints. She had doubts, but I told her she should go and help, it's what she does best. She did her 6 months and everything was fine until 2 weeks after she returned. Now, remember how I told you I found Kelly on the floor of the bathroom? It wasn't just the horrors she saw... a little Haitian boy died in her arms. All those emotions regarding our son came flooding back, but she couldn't deal with it at the time because she was helping all these other people. It broke my heart to see Kelly break down again and have those painful memories of our son be stirred up again. When Kelly told me just a few days ago that she was going to the Philippines to help, all my fears for her wellbeing hit me... and you already know what I said to her. All I kept thinking was: Will it be a few weeks after she returns? Maybe a month? Will a little boy die arms again? I **will**  pick her up each and every time she falls down, but I was hoping Kelly wouldn't do another MSF stint. Her not going lessens the chance of her breaking down like that again, but she went because she wants to help... she needs to help those men, women and children that now have nothing left."..._

As Mel slipped the phone back into her jeans pocket, she was jolted back to reality when Alex gently placed her hand on the Sheriff's arm. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Sorry about that back there," Mel indicated the general area where they had been a few moments earlier. All 3 women could see that Nick Amaro was conflicted. He obviously wanted to approach them to apologise for his accusation but he thought better of it and walked back inside the precinct.

Olivia shook her head, "Don't be. I was about to rip him a new one myself after he said what he did. But what you said was right, that was just  _shit_. All I wanted to do was apologise."

Alex said to Olivia, "I could tell he was always wanting to say  _something_  to me while you were gone seeing I took over your desk in the squad room... always raising his eyebrows and such. And he never did say what he wanted to talk to me about when he led me away when you were talking to Don."

"Probably some jackass remark about women being in relationships with other women. That'd be something I expect coming from Elliott, not Nick. Well, screw him."

"I'd ask him to not approach me for anything and use Barba, but he already rubs Rafael the wrong way. However, Amaro was right... you  _did_  kiss Mel."

"On the  _cheek_. You would have done the same thing in the situation, sweetie."

The ADA faced the Sheriff and grinned, "Did she stick her tongue in your mouth?"

"Alex!" Olivia cried.

"Oh,  _all_  the way down my throat! I'm  _sure_  she probed my tonsils at one stage and my gag reflex kicked in too. Your woman couldn't keep herself away of me!" Melanie teased with a twinkle in her eye, welcoming the lighthearted banter that she was used to, for she knew when the 3 of them returned to the apartment she would retell her painful past and what happened between her and Kelly to Alex in full.


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope readers like this chapter as much as I do seeing it's a significant 'stepping stone' chapter for several characters :-)

**_In the dark of night,_**  
**_By my side,_**  
**_In the dark of night,_**  
**_By my side,_**  
**_I wish you were,_**  
**_I wish you were._  ~ INXS (By My Side)**

"Sheriff Leonard?" Alan spoke as he finished preparing the lamb and bacon puff pastry parcels.

"Alan, need I remind you again that we're on holidays?" Mel replied while she chopped the vegetables for the char-grilled vegetable salad, her newly acquired contribution for their first meal with Alex, Olivia and Vanessa.

"I think addressing you as my boss is needed for this."

"Sounds serious then," Melanie put down the knife on the board as she finished.

"No, not  _really_... but... umm... I was wondering if... you'd... scheduled the rosters yet... for the holidays?" Alan asked as he washed his hands.

Melanie grinned wolfishly, comprehending exactly where this conversation was heading as she rinsed her hands too. "Nope! Not yet!"

"I-I was going to ask..." Alan searched for the words that suddenly failed him as his eyes briefly connected with Vanessa's.

Mel folded her arms across her body while address Alex and Olivia who were sitting on the kitchen stools on the other side of the kitchen bench, "Oh this is going to be  _good_! One of the joys of being the boss...  _everyone_ grovels when any holiday approaches because they want to spend time with their family  _and_  slash  _or_  their... _friends_ ," the shaggy blonde looked directly at Vanessa sitting beside Olivia as she emphasised the last word. "But... Alan hasn't done any of that since he began working in Winthrop because he  _always_  works the hours he's given with  _no_  complaints. Go ahead Sheriff Officer Irvine, you were going to ask  _what_?"

Alan could see all eyes from Mel, Alex and Olivia on him and little smirks on their faces. Vanessa began fumbling with the tag pendant at the base of her throat and suddenly became very interested in her now ringing cell phone.

"Excuse me, it's my sister Ronnie checking up on me." Vanessa wandered over to the lounge area, quite thankful for the distraction.

"I was wondering if it would be possible for me to have some time off over the holidays?" blurted Alan as he ran a hand through his curly hair.

"Why would that be?"

"I'm visiting... a friend... of mine."

"A  _friend_ , huh? Well, I guess you want New Year off as well while visiting this...  _friend_?"

Alan's eyes widened in surprise at the generous offer, "Ahh... that would be  _very_  kind of you."

The Sheriff pulled out her phone and scrolled through the calendar, "I  _could_  let you have from... let me see... December 21 through to January 3..."

"That would be  _fantastic_!"

"... on  _one_  condition."

"Anything."

Melanie smirked, "Vanessa can stay at my house when she visits for your award ceremony in December."

"W-what?!"

"Well, I wouldn't want either you or Vanessa getting all confused like you both did earlier today seeing you couldn't remember if you were staying in the Bronx or Brooklyn. See, the same thing could happen again while she's in Winthrop! I wouldn't want either you or her getting Lake Maranacook or Annabessacook mixed up. So if her accommodation is sorted out  _now_ , there'll be no confusion later on!" Mel said with a straight face as Olivia and Alex tried to stifle their laughter.

"But-"

"And besides, you're both telling us all you're  _just friends_ , so it shouldn't worry either of you if Vanessa stays at my house!" Mel said with a pointed look.

Alan nodded with an appreciative smile after a realisation dawned on him, "Thankyou for the very generous time off over the holidays, Sheriff Leonard. I'll let my friend know I'll be visiting them... and let Vanessa know about the accommodation too."

"That was cruel making Alan promise that Vanessa will be staying at your house!" Alex admonished in a low voice, still trying not to laugh as Alan walked over to the lounge.

"I may have teased him, but I  _never_  said to Alan that Vanessa  _had_  to stay my house, I said to him that she  _can_ stay at my house. Alan knows exactly what I offered because he and I have a great rapport now. However, I'll make it  _very_  clear to Vanessa when she arrives up there in December that she doesn't have to stay at my house if she would prefer to stay at Alan's, but the offer is there. The reason I made the offer was because her returning to Winthrop could stir up some memories and I want Vanessa to know that she has a safe place to stay while she's visiting, and I know Alan wants that too because he really  _does_  care about her, no matter how much ' _just friends_ ' he says. Now... the faster those actually admit they have feelings for each other and stop dancing around them, the faster we can stop teasing them so much."

"Speaking from the ' _dancing around their feelings_ ' personal experience, they'll take it at their own pace. You have to remember what Nessa's been through," Liv said as she rubbed her thumb over the thin ring on Alex's left ring finger out of habit.

"Hence the offer." Mel indicated to Vanessa and Alan talking in the lounge area, "But don't you just want to smoosh their faces together and tell them to kiss already?"

Olivia and Alex turned to see that Alan had just stopped talking, which caused a huge smile appeared on Vanessa's face, which in turn made Alan's dimples quickly appear.

"Yep," Alex and Olivia replied at the same time.

* * *

"What?"

"Nothing!"

"You're  _staring_!"

"No, I'm not  _staring_. I'm just... admiring the beautiful New York and New Jersey scenery."

Vanessa drawled sarcastically to deflect the obvious flirt, "Oh yeah, the George Washington Bridge and the Hudson River's  _really_  pretty at this time of night."

Alan's dimples came out of hiding as he peered out the passenger window for a moment, "Oh yeah, them too. Thanks for pointing them out to me... might have missed them otherwise."

With traffic surprisingly flowing freely, it took only a short while for the new red hatchback to park in the driveway of Vanessa's house in Hackensack. Alan grabbed his duffel bag and locked the car as Vanessa unlocked the front door and switched on some lights. As Alan passed over the car keys, Vanessa handed him a spare front door key attached to a tiny flashlight keychain which he slipped inside his jeans.

"It's not as palatial as Mel and Kelly's house, or as nice as Alex and Liv's apartment... but it's home to me."

Alan's hazel eyes swept the room as he placed his bag down, "I like it. Nice and homey."

"It's a little on the small side."

"The cottage I rent at Carlton Pond would be no bigger, but it's all on one level. I like it too."

"I have the fold out lounge prepared for you, if that's ok?"

"I told you on the phone that the fold out is fine with me. I'd sleep on a mattress on the floor if..." Alan heard the gasp escape from the red head as he comprehended what he had just said. "Oh, shit. I'm  _so_  sorry, Vanessa. I didn't think-"

Vanessa quickly brushed aside Alan's unintentional error as she took a step back, "It's alright."

"No, I'm an idiot and-"

"Alan, you're  _not_  an idiot. The bathroom is upstairs, first door on the right. I'll see you in the morning, ok?" Vanessa swiftly retreated up the stairs before Alan could say anything more.

In the seclusion of her bedroom, Vanessa leant against her closed door and exhaled a shaky breath. She knew the statement hadn't been said on purpose, Alan wasn't like that, but those mere words had immediately brought back a slew of memories that overwhelmed and upset her. She didn't want Alan to think that  _he_  had upset her personally, but she knew she had to deal with her emotions right now just like Doctor Lindstrom had taught her. She would explain her sudden departure to Alan at breakfast when she was more calm than she was now. She just hoped she hadn't ruined her friendship with the Sheriff Officer after being unexpectedly triggered.

"Stupid  _fucking_  screwup!" the curly haired rookie berated himself harshly under his breath as he dug through his duffel bag for his flannel pyjama pants. "You had to remind Vanessa of the most terrible time of her life on the first night in her house as her guest. Good one, Irvine. Pat yourself on the back."

He removed his sneakers, socks, all seasons duty jacket (sans badges and patches, but with a warm fur collar), shirt, undershirt and jeans, then quickly slipped his pyjama pants over his boxer briefs. As he switched off the room light and slid under the bed linen, he also hoped he hadn't ruined his friendship with the red head after what he had said. He would apologise once again at breakfast.

Neither occupant of the little house in Hackensack knew that their apologies would come just a few hours later and certainly not the way either of them had planned.

Outside the house... in the middle of the street... just after 3 in the morning.

* * *

"Are you alright being in here? We can move out the baby's bed and change table if-"

The shaggy blonde held her hand up as she unpacked her luggage, "It's fine Olivia, trust me. It's not something I haven't dealt with before. Please don't change things around just because you know what happened in mine and Kelly's past."

"You sure?"

"Positive," Mel replied with sincerity.

After they bid each other goodnight, Olivia stopped at the door. "Mel, just to let you know... I'm still having nightmares about what happened in the cabin. So if you hear any moaning or screaming during the night, it's not-"

"Alex and you in the throes of passion?" Mel teased.

Olivia laughed lightly, "I only wish."

* * *

"Are you thinking about what happened at the precinct?" Alex queried as she closed the master bedroom door. The ADA noticed that Olivia had been a little subdued since the incident outside the 1-6 with Amaro, and while Mel recounted the story of their son and the incident that occurred between the Sheriff and the Doctor before Kelly left for the Philippines. The brunette had been much like herself during dinner with Vanessa and Alan, but now that subdued state had returned in the privacy of their bedroom.

"Nope," Liv replied as she stood at the foot of their bed.

"I didn't believe him for a second when he accused you of cheating on me with Melanie," Alex confirmed, remembering how Olivia thought she had cheated on her by sleeping with Brian one last time.

"I'm not thinking about that."

"You're thinking about  _something_ ," Alex commented as she faced Olivia and wrapped her arms around Liv's waist.

Olivia whispered, "You're not going to leave me, are you?"

Alex jaw dropped, not expecting that question. "Leave you?!"

"You're not going to go and join the ICC again?"

"No! Absolutely not."

"If you're thinking about,  _please_  tell me now."

"Olivia Benson, I have  _no_  intention of leaving you or rejoining the ICC."

"You've left me before!"

"The first time I had no choice in the matter. I  _had_  to leave, you know that. I did the ICC tenure because I had to help those women like Nardalee. We both know it was a different time between  _us_  back then, not like now."

"But-"

"But nothing. I have you and we have a daughter on the way. I'm not going  _anywhere_. Is this insecurity all stemming from what happened between Mel and Kelly?"

Olivia gave a small shrug, "Mel and Kelly are married and Kelly up and left to help on the other side of the world without any warning for Mel."

"Melanie and Kelly  _aren't_  you and me, Liv. Our lives don't copy theirs. There might be some similarities, but that's all. The  _only_  time I'm leaving to go  _anywhere_  is with  _you_  and  _our little girl_  by my side," Alex could see the element of doubt in Olivia's eyes as she cupped the brunette's cheek in reassurance. "I don't know what I have to do to convince you? Do you want me to give up my passport? I'll do it if I have to."

"No, don't be silly."

"I'll quit SVU and be a stay at home Mama."

"Don't you  _dare_  do that! SVU  _needs_  you!"

Alex wanted to say that SVU needed Detective Benson too, but she kept her thoughts quiet. Instead she asked, "Then what do I need to do to convince you? What will put your mind at ease and erase all doubt? Because  _whatever_  it is, I'll do it."

Olivia toyed with the Abhaya Sanskrit plaque at the base of Alex's throat for a moment, before gliding her hand around the back of the blonde's neck to pull her closer and rest their foreheads together. "Sweetheart, you don't have to do anything. I'm just being silly... hormonal or something."

"And here I was thinking you were going to propose to me," Alex said with smirk.

Liv ignored the jibe because she wanted to keep Alex in the dark about when she would propose, "Actually... there  _is_  something you can do."

"What's that?" Alex pulled back slightly.

"You can kiss me."

"Is that all?"

The brunette bartered, "Actually... I want make out with you."

"Do you now?"

"Yeah, and I think I want to take another step."

"Are you  _sure_?"

"I  _want_  to take another step tonight," Liv confirmed, knowing that they were at a crossroad now. Their last few make out sessions had been shirtless, but now Olivia had to decide whether to remove their bras or their pants. The idea of seeing Alex in just her bra and panties was very appealing, but seeing the blonde naked from the waist up was just as appealing tonight. "I'd like for us both to... end up having our shirts off and bras off."

"We can do that."

Liv leant in and caressed Alex's cheek before softly kissing her lips. She untucked the hem of Alex's blouse and deepened the kiss, causing Alex to moan. Alex placed her hand on top of Olivia's as the brunette reached to begin unbuttoning the ADA's blouse and panted, "What are your safe words?"

Olivia's shoulders slumped, "Do we have to run through my safe words  _each_  time?"

Alex replied, "I think it's a good idea for  _both_  of us to be clear with each other, especially in these early stages and when you decide to take another step... don't you?"

"You're right." Liv confirmed, knowing they had discussed this at length when she had said she wanted to talk about sex after talking with Margo. Olivia had voiced her fear of being triggered, and Alex's own fear of triggering Olivia. They talked about what Margo had suggested and sorted out clear safe words. They had decided more than one word would be better, just in case Olivia began to remember, flashback or panic and couldn't think of the single specific word.

"Now tell me your safe words, knowing that you can use them at  _any_  time."

"Wait is  _yellow_  and  _amber_. Stop is  _red_  and  _cease_... and  _wait_  and  _stop_  are a given, of course."

"And what do we always want to do?"

"We always want to end on a good note."

"I love you," the ADA removed her hand from atop of Olivia's.

"I love you too." Liv waggled her eyebrows, "Can we continue now?"

Alex pressed a soft kiss to Olivia's lips in response. Their mouths began to glide together as Olivia took her time to unbutton each little mother of pearl bead before parting open the pale blue blouse. Liv pushed the blouse off Alex's shoulders and down her arms before it fell silently to the floor. Breaking apart, the brunette drank in the sight of Alex Cabot standing there in grey pinstripe suit pants, an ice blue lace bra and her black framed glasses. Their eyes never broke contact as Alex unbuttoned the maternity blouse and slipped it from Olivia's body, leaving her dressed in only her jeans with the maternity belt extender and a beige bandeau bra.

They wrapped their arms around each other, feeling the warmth of their bodies pressed against the other. Gently touching and caressing while they kissed lazily, rememorising each other's bodily curves. There was no need to hurry, they weren't in a motel room with a short amount of time before Alex would be whisked away. Truth be told, they liked it this way. It was a level of intimacy they hadn't previously had in their relationship, and each woman relished it. Olivia's hands slid up the expanse of Alex's back and unhooked the bra with ease, before she pulled the straps down and removed the bra completely. Liv's tongue swiped along her lips as she saw pink perky nipples tightening.

"Cold? Or excited?" Olivia said huskily.

"Both," Alex smiled.

"Do you want me to... warm them up?"

"No objections."

Olivia breathed a warm breath on Alex's right nipple before sealing her lips around it and swirled with her tongue. Her right hand teased Alex's left nipple as she ran her left hand over Alex's abdomen, feeling it ripple and quiver beneath her fingertips. She lavished the same attention on the left nipple with her mouth before trailing a line of tiny kisses up Alex's chest and neck before kissing her again. Coming up for air, Alex pull down the bandeau bra and pressed their bodies together again as her hands wandered Olivia's uncovered body.

Alex's fingertips brushed over the shield and question mark burns on Liv's shoulder blades which caused the brunette to stiffen slightly. Quickly, Alex moved her hands further down to the small of Liv's back which caused her to relax again. Olivia never reacted like that when Alex applied the vitamin E and cocoa butter cream, she only reacted like that when they were being intimate. None of the other scars that Lewis inflicted on Olivia's body elicited that response either. She never flinched when Alex touched or kissed the cigarette burns that peeked out from the top of her bandeau bra on the upper curves of her breasts. She never reacted when the ADA kissed the centre of her palms where the burns from the coat hanger wire intersected. She never worried when Alex caressed or pressed her lips to the numerous cuts on her torso or the ones over the baby bump. Nor had she react when the blonde touched the question mark burns on her upper arms.

But those 2 major burns on Olivia's back would make her hold her breath and freeze.

Alex vowed to talk about that one day soon with Olivia, but not tonight.

Tonight was for the both of them as Alex took Olivia's left nipple in her mouth.

* * *

A towelling robed Olivia looked up Mel. The brunette closed a folder which had a NYDP seal on the front as she began to reach for one of the 3 sandwiches she had stacked on the plate at the dining table, "Did we wake you?"

Mel, dressed in a full length satin robe over her long satin slip nightgown, shook her head while eyeing off the sandwiches. "What's on the menu?"

"Classic PBJ, an Elvis, and-"

"An Elvis?"

"Peanut butter, banana and bacon. Not to be confused with a Fool's Gold which is PBJ and bacon. I also have a Fluffernutter. You want some? Or would you like me to make you something else if they're too... gross?"

"Even though I love bacon, I'm New England girl at heart. It's gotta be the Fluffernutter, if that's alright?"

"Go ahead, it's the one on the top." Liv took the next triangle half on the stack, the PBJ, and spoke before she took a bite. "Sorry for waking you."

"You didn't."

"You don't have to cover. I know I woke up screaming from a nightmare, then Alex got a call not 5 minutes later needing a warrant. She's been gone about 30 minutes now."

"Olivia, you and Alex didn't wake me." Melanie held up her phone, "Kelly did just a short while ago."

"She did?"

"Yeah," Melanie smiled, remember the conversation just a little earlier...

_Mel woke with a start from her fitful slumber as the sound of Kelly's assigned ringtone cut through the silence of the room. She answered the cell phone hastily hoping she wouldn't wake the other occupants of the apartment, "Kel?"_

_"Hey Melly."_

_Melanie gasped as she heard the voice of the salt and pepper haired woman, "You haven't called me Melly in years!"_

_"I know, and I'm sorry I haven't I."_

_"How long can you talk for?"_

_"A couple of minutes at the most. They want to keep the lines open as much as possible. What's the time over there?"_

_"3 in the morning."_

_"Sorry to have woken, babe. 12 hour time difference here. Didn't even think to check because I just had to hear your voice."_

_"Kelly, are we going to alright? Or should I brace for divorce papers after what I said?"_

_"The only thing I **want**  from you..." Kelly's voice softened, "... is your love, support and understand Mel. You and I both know we've been through worse than that fight."_

_Mel hummed sadly._

_"Femme, you know what I'm talking about."_

_Melanie whispered, "David."_

_"David," Kelly confirmed._

_"Olivia and Alex know about him now."_

_Kelly sighed heavily, "We both knew they might ask one day. I'm truly sorry I wasn't there when you told them, babe. I'm also sorry for making the decision to rejoin and not talking to you about it first."_

_"I'm so sorry for what I said to you in anger and fear."_

_"You know I'm over here for a reason, don't you?"_

_Mel nodded, even though Kelly couldn't see her. "You're over there to honour David's memory the best way you can by helping those that need the most help right now."_

_"I'll catch the next flight back if you don't want me over here because I might break down... You're more important to me."_

_"You might break down, but I'll catch you if you fall, you know I will. Now, Kelly Josephine Leonard... you stay and make Melanie Patricia Genevieve Zimmerley and David Benoît André Leonard even more proud that what we already are of you."_

_"And you make me proud by keeping Winthrop safe for our family and friends... and my **wife's**  name is Melanie Patricia Genevieve Leonard."_

_"And don't you **ever**  forget it, Mrs Leonard!"_

_"I **never**  will, ma femme."_

_"Umm... Olivia and Alex would like to know if you'll be a special aunt to their daughter. I said I'd ask you when I heard from you."_

_"I would love nothing more than to be a special aunt to baby Brianna. I know you will too."_

_"I wish you were here right now."_

_"I wish I was too. There's so much devastation over here... recovery is going to take years. But I'll be back before you know it, babe. Just you wait and see!"_

_"You have to go now, don't you?"_

_"I better. I'll be in contact in few days, babe. Might try and say hello to Olivia and Alex too. Mon coeur est à vous!"_

_"Because you loved me... My heart belongs to you too! It always has and always will."_

_"À bientôt!"_

_"See you soon, honey. Stay safe for me."_

_"You too." Mel waited for Kelly to end the call..._

Mel put her phone back in her robe pocket, "No divorce papers. I think we're going to be fine."

Olivia reached over and gave Mel's hand a reassuring squeeze, "I'm glad. You and Kelly have something very special."

"I like to think we do. I don't think I'd be the woman that I am now without her. No, I  _wouldn't_  be the woman I am now without her."

Liv yawned as she reached for another sandwich half.

Melanie chastised, " _You_  should go back to sleep!"

"I would if Alex was still in bed, but I find it difficult to sleep without her by my side now." Olivia mentally added, 'especially after a nightmare'.

"I know  _exactly_  what you mean," Mel nodded in agreement before taking another bite of her sandwich.

* * *

Alan washed his hands after using the toilet (being mindful to lower the seat back down) and switched off the main bathroom light, leaving the room in a soft glow of a night light. He clicked on the tiny flashlight keychain to descend the stairs when he heard a frightened cry from the room opposite.

"Vanessa?" he called out.

" _... Noooooo!..._ " came the strangled cry from the bedroom.

Without a second thought, he quickly opened the door and saw that the room was shrouded with light from a bedside lamp. He hastily scanned the room, half expecting to see someone else within hurting the red head. But there was no intruder, just Vanessa with a pained expression on her face. His eyes landed on the framed photograph of himself and Vanessa, taken the night he had been informally presented his Combat Cross bar and had danced. In front of it sat the heart shaped river stone, placed on top of the brief hand written note in Latin he had posted only hours of her departing Winthrop.

A pained whimper drew his attention away from the items and directly to her. She was clearly caught in a terrible nightmare.

"...  _Don't!... No!... ...Stop!... Help... Alan..._ "

"Vanessa? It's me. I'm here," he said softly to try and calm her.

" _... Stop!... hurt... me... No!... Liv... Noooooo!..._ "

As Alan gently placed his hand on Vanessa's arm, she woke with a start and screamed a ear splitting scream in terror.

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

"Vanessa, it's Alan!"

"YOU'RE  **NEVER**  GONNA HURT ME AGAIN!"

"I'd never hurt you, Vanessa!"

"GET AWAY FROM ME!"

The red head lashed out with her clenched fists, striking Alan squarely in the chest with surprising force. He stumbled back a step before leaving the room in haste. He shouldn't have gone inside, shouldn't have invaded her privacy. His presence was scaring Vanessa even further, and the only solution he could think of was to leave. The sooner the better. He took off down the stairs as swiftly as he could.

"Stupid! Stupid idiot!" Alan muttered as he pulled his duty jacket and sneakers back on. He stuffed the other items of clothing into his duffel bag and headed for the door. Hopefully Vanessa would understand his sudden departure. Even though they were just friends, he cared for her too much, but him being there in her house was making things worse for her.

Vanessa's breathing began to calm as her eyes darted around the room. Lewis had been attacking her... she punched him in the chest... her hand was throbbing in pain right now because of it... No, that's not correct. Lewis was  _dead_... Alan had shot him... she need to call Alan. She reached a trembling hand for the cordless phone and... wait, Alan was here visiting... Alan was down stairs on the fold out lounge... She inhaled a calming breath through her nose and could smell the remnants of his pleasant aftershave lingering... Alan had been in her room... but she was being attacked by Lewis... Oh no!... Had she?

The closing of the front door made Vanessa realise what had happened and what she had done. She grabbed her keys, scrambled out of bed and ran down the stairs.

Alan locked the door and placed the key in the mail box before picking up his duffel bag and walking away. He didn't know where he was in Hackensack, but began walking the way Vanessa had driven. He would look at his phone to find where a nearby bus terminal or taxi rank could be located when he was at the end of the street. Maybe he could stay with Olivia and Alex on their couch for the rest of the evening, then find a motel room later on?

"Alan!" Vanessa threw open the front door and gave chase in her flannel pyjamas. "Alan!"

"Don't worry Vanessa, I'll let you know where I'm staying when I find another place!" he said and continued to walk away.

"Alan!... Alan Irvine, if you don't stop or get your backside back here this minute I swear I'll... I'll..."

"You'll what?" he remained stopped in the middle of the street, illuminated by the nearby street light, not daring to look back.

She used the only bargaining chip she could think of, "I'll  _never_  talk to you again!"

He turned around slowly, looking like that same scared little boy before he had revealed his own sexual abuse to her. "I have to go, Vanessa. I scare you too much in your own home. Twice in one night is twice  _too_  many."

Vanessa approached hastily, "Alan, you  _don't_  scare me!"

"Yes I  _do_!"

"Please believe me when I say I wasn't reacting to  _you_!"

"You were!"

"No! I was reacting to the  _situation_... the same as I did earlier this evening. I get triggered and I have to deal with that in my own way. I wake up crying almost every night after what Lewis did to me, that's why I call you sometimes at ridiculous hours of the night! My brain didn't think it was  _you_  in my room, it thought  _Lewis_  was because I had been having a nightmare  _he_  was hurting me and I was reliving what happened in  _that_  moment... Now I kind of understand how Liv thought her work partner was  _him_  and how she reacted the way she did when she thought Alex was in danger."

"You thought  _you_  were in danger?"

"Yes, but  _not_  from  _you_... from  _him_... from  _Lewis_!"

Seeing the red head beginning to shiver in the cool November air, Alan removed his all seasons duty jacket with the fur collar and cautiously placed it around Vanessa's shoulders.

Vanessa slipped her arms through the sleeves while she continued to explain, "I was dreaming that I was upstairs in the cabin, and Lewis was hurting... raping me... again. A lot of the time he... he raped me when I wasn't drugged... he liked the fight I would try and put up. He would laugh when I struggled against him... But in my nightmare tonight, it was different! For the first time I said to him... that  _you_  would kill him and rescue Liv and myself... save  _me_... so  _he_  couldn't hurt  _me_  again... Lewis grabbed my arm to restrain me with the hand cuffs, but I pulled my arms away and then I was punching  _him_ , but I now realise I was punching  _you_!"

"You certainly pack a mean punch!" Alan replied. "Vanessa, I would  _never_  hurt you but I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. I'll go and stay somewhere else," he turned to leave but was stopped when Vanessa's hand rested on his bicep.

"I'm  _not_  uncomfortable around you! You're the  _only_  man I'm comfortable being around since what happened to me in that cellar, and I want nothing more than for you to stay in my house! But you have to let me work through these things at my pace... my own way! You know I usually call you sometimes, but you being  _here_  is a little different."

"See, it's different! You admit it!"

"Different in a  _good_  way! I can talk to you  _face to face_ , and I feel even  _safer_  now."

"I'm not sure about you feeling safer."

"It might have seemed like I was pushing you away or I was frightened of you, and I'm sorry if it looked that way to you... but  _nothing_  could be further from the truth! Alan, I trust  _you_. You're my  _rock_ , remember?"

The Sheriff Officer nodded slightly in confirmation as Vanessa made him turn back around to face her.

"Don't leave, because I  _need_  my rock now."

"Ok," Alan breathed.

Vanessa wrung her hands together, "Now... can I have a hug from you? Please?"

Like he always did, Alan opens arms to allow Vanessa to go at her pace. Wrapping her arms around his waist, Vanessa rested her head on Alan's bare chest, feeling the unseen tension melt from her body as his arms held her protectively. "I'm sorry, Alan."

"I'm sorry too," Alan murmured before he placed a soft kiss top of Vanessa's head. Both of them realised what had just happened, but neither of them said anything. They just continued to hold each other like they were.

Vanessa began shivering again, "Let's go back inside, it's cold out here in the middle of the street."

Picking up his duffel bag, Alan laughed "Cold?! This is  _not_  cold. You wait until you visit in a few weeks for my award ceremony. Maine in December... you'll know cold then!"

They stopped at the mail box to retrieve the spare key before returning inside.

"Alan?" Vanessa paused at the fold out lounge.

"Yeah?" Alan placed his duffel bag on the ground.

"Please don't run if I do something like that again. I don't want to loose you because you're important to me."

"I promise I won't run."

"Thankyou." She felt so safe in his arms, and wanted him to hold her while she tried to fall asleep again, but she wasn't sure 'just friends' did that sort of thing. Vanessa took a step back, "I-I'll see you in the morning... well, a few hours time."

He smiled his dimply smile as he sat down on the fold out lounge, "I'll cook you breakfast... whatever you want."

Back in the seclusion on her room, Vanessa removed Alan's jacket and looked over at empty space on the left side of her bed. She imagined Alan being there, holding her protectively. She picked up the spare pillow and stuffed it inside Alan's jacket before placing it on the left side of the bed. The red head picked up the heart shaped river stone as she got under the bed linen and snuggled bodily close to the jacket covered pillow. She inhaled deeply, his scent and aftershave calming her more. As she lay there in bed, Vanessa rested her right hand clasping the river stone where Alan's heart would be... if she were snuggled up against him right now.

Alan turned on his side and looked at the empty space to his right before placing his hand there, imagining Vanessa was there beside him now. He knew Lewis Williams had done terrible things to her in that cabin, and knew that those memories wouldn't ever be erased fully. He knew that from his own personal experience. However, he hoped over time that he could help lessen the fear and pain Vanessa continued to feel.

Neither occupant of the little house in Hackensack could find sleep again in the hours that preceded dawn.

_**In the dark of night,** _  
_**These faces they haunt me,** _  
_**Well I wish you were so close to me,** _  
_**Yes I wish you were,** _  
**_By my side._ ~ INXS (By My Side)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, you were all probably expecting Alan and Vanessa's first kiss, but I think what Alan did was much sweeter. They will kiss... eventually.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After a small examples back in previous chapters (esp ch26), I hope this chapter will show readers just how playful I see Mel and Kelly when they're not working :-).

Exiting her bedroom with Alan's duty jacket draped over her arm, a pyjama and robe clad Vanessa proceeded down the stairs. She hadn't slept since the 'incident' only a few hours earlier, but she wasn't tired either. She had stayed snuggled close to the jacket encased pillow, her mind replaying what had transpired over and over again. Laying in bed, she couldn't help but snicker as she remembered Alan walking who knows where at that ridiculous hour in the morning in Hackensack dressed in only his flannel pyjama pants, sneakers and duty jacket, just so she would feel safe in her own home. It, the thought of Alan leaving, panicked her for various reasons, something she would vehemently deny, and yet it was also such a sweet gesture. She remembered feeling grateful when he took of his own jacket and placed it around her shoulders when she began shivering, more worried about her wellbeing than his own. Feeling safe and secure in his arms, resting her head on his bare chest... in the middle of the street of all places!

Then, Alan kissed the top of her head.

She was pulled from her musings when she failed to see a certain curly haired rookie in the lounge room, but heard noise from her kitchen.

"Alan?" Vanessa called out as she approached, startled to see his toned back while he looked inside the cupboards above the bench.

"Sorry. I was just familiarising myself with your kitchen," Alan commented as he closed the doors and turned around.

Her breath hitched, not only for seeing Alan bare chested for the first time in natural light, but also seeing a slight bruise and reddish mark on his chest around where her fist had made contact. Vanessa fumbled with the duty jacket as she struggled not to stare, "I-I forgot to give this back to you last night. I-I mean this morning. I-I mean, you know... earlier."

Oh for goodness sake, could she be any more of a schoolgirl right now?! It was just Alan... her rescuer, her rock, her boyfr... male friend. Just friends... friend.

"I'm sure you weren't going to steal it from me. Even if you were, I know where you live to arrest you for theft!" Alan joked while he took the jacket and loosely slipped it on, not bothering to zip it closed.

She vaguely indicated his chest, "I'm so sorry for hitting you."

"Don't worry about it," he downplayed the small injury. Once again he kept his mood light and jovial, "I know you didn't intentionally assault a Sheriff Officer, yet another arrestable offence."

"I'm surprised you didn't say that I hit like a girl," Vanessa mumbled.

"Why would I say you hit like a girl?"

"Because I  _am_  a girl."

"Vanessa Meyer, you're not a  _girl_. You're a formidable  _woman_  who I now know  _never_  to get on the wrong side of. I told you last night you pack a mean punch."

"Formidable?!"

"Yes. You're also tenacious, persistent, a little stubborn and quite feisty... just to name a few of your personality traits." Alan indicated the bruising and reddish mark, "If  _this_  is what you can do when you _didn't_  mean it, I don't think I want to see what you could do if you  _did_  mean it. How's your hand?"

Vanessa unconsciously rubbed her right hand with her left at the mention, "It's ok."

"Let me see?" the curly haired man offered his hand for Vanessa to make her decision.

She hesitated at first before eventually placing her hand in his. She could never fathom how his hands, though slightly calloused, could be as soft and warm as they were. But after the gnarled fingers and cruel hands that brutalised for all those days in that cabin, anything seemed better. Taking her hand in his, Alan could see the fading handcuff scar that encircled her wrist, and the 'X' shape scar that cut across the back of her hand. Alan knew that there was matching scars her other hand, wrist and 'X' scars on both palms, all courtesy of Lewis Williams. He gently brushed his thumb across her cigarette scarred joints of her fingers then the major knuckles before he lowered his head while bringing her hand closer to examine it more closely. Turning her hand this way and that, Vanessa's hand was slightly bruised and reddened, just like his chest, but no skin was broken. Alan hummed in contemplation as he ceased moving his thumb.

"What?" Vanessa wondered as his hazel brown eyes made direct contact.

"You'll be fine," Alan pressed a featherlight kiss to her knuckles before lowering her hand back down and letting go. His voice was calm as he spoke, however his heart rate was anything but, having been so bold to do that. "Now, what do you want for breakfast? Scrambled eggs and bacon? Omelette? Pancakes? Something else entirely so I'm not using a skillet? How about breakfast muffins?"

The red head was too gobsmacked to respond immediately, the ghost of his lips still lingering on her skin. Did Alan just kiss her hand?! Or had she just imagined it? He must have kissed her because her pulse was beating faster, in a good way. Did just friends do that sort of thing?!

"Vanessa?"

"Huh?!"

"Breakfast?"

"P-pan... pancakes."

"You sure?"

Vanessa nodded in confirmation as Alan went to the pantry and began rummaging around for the ingredients.

"There's pancake mix in there somewhere," Vanessa remarked, her eyes darting from the pantry, to her hand, and back again.

"I said I was going to  _cook_ , not add water and shake." Alan placed the flour, sugar, baking soda, baking powder, vanilla and salt on the bench before returning to the pantry. "Where's the vinegar?"

"V-vinegar?!"

The rookie popped his head around the door and nodded, "Gotta sour the milk to make the pancakes fluffy. Don't worry, the sugar and vanilla will counteract any vinegar flavour you think you might taste. I can use lemon juice if I have to."

"There's a bottle of lemon juice in the fridge."

"No real ones?"

"Sorry."

Setting aside the milk and lemon juice to sour, Alan spoke while he measured and combined all the dry ingredients from memory. "I... ahh... I went to that meeting in Augusta you suggested... for male sexual abuse and rape victims."

"Survivors," Vanessa gently corrected. "Male sexual abuse and rape  _survivors_."

"Survivors," Alan reiterated. "I didn't speak too much about what Pop did to me when we went camping. I just said that I was abused... raped by a male family member for a decade. I didn't talk about what my ex-girlfriend did to me either. Just admitting what Pop did was a lot for me."

"I'm proud of you for even going to the meeting. It took a lot of courage to do that, and to speak about what happened. I've only just started talking about what happened to me in my group sessions."

"What surprised me the most during the meeting was to find out that 1 in 6 men were sexually abused as children. I honestly thought I was the only one. Every man at that meeting thought the same as me."

"That's 1 in 6 too many. All the stats for rape, sexual assault and abuse for women, men and children... is too many."

They fell into a comfortable silence as Alan assembled the batter and began cooking, while Vanessa made coffee. Each kept sneaking glances at the other, sometimes getting caught, but neither saying anything when they were.

"Ice cream?" Alan placed some in front of Vanessa.

"Ice cream?!"

He dug in the freezer, "Oh yeah! Only acceptable time it can be eaten for breakfast."

Vanessa smiled, "What the hell then. Ice cream... maple syrup too."

"The only way to have it," Alan put a scoop of choc chip ice cream on each plate before drizzling on the syrup.

"These are  _good_! I could get used to this," Vanessa said with a genuine smile after her first bite.

"To what?" Alan swallowed the mouthful he was chewing.

"I could get used to you cooking for me."

The rookie's dimples came out of hiding, "So could I."

* * *

"Where's Gloria? I thought she was going to take the spare ticket tonight?" Liv said after greeting Doom and Rafael outside the Gershwin Theatre, following the introductions of the Winthrop workers and Vanessa to the SVU workers. The male couple had been unable to attend the dinner before the group went to see  _Wicked_.

"Unfortunately, Mom's going on a coach tour of upstate New York with the retirement home in the morning for a few days. Too short notice for her. I asked Rollins if she wanted to come, but she's on duty tonight. She's not on duty for  _Kinky Boots_  in a couple of nights though."

"Who's not on duty tonight?" Olivia asked, hoping to catch up with other SVU members.

Doom cleared his throat, "Amaro."

"I think we'll cut our losses then and use the seat for coats and purses," Mel said at the mention of  _that_  name.

The doors to the theatre opened and the group of 7 began to make their way inside after the initial surge.

"During the interval, I need Doom's, Rafael's, Liv's and your help for something  _after_  the show," Mel whispered conspiratorially to Alex.

The ADA was about to ask what, but saw the Winthrop Sheriff discreetly point to Alan and Vanessa a few steps ahead of them.

As the lights eventually dimmed in the theatre, Vanessa slipped her left hand into Alan's right, each relishing the contact that noone else in the group could see.

* * *

Exiting the theatre after the show, the group of 7 saw there was a horse and carriage not far from the entrance.

"Looks like my ride is here," Mel commented.

"Your ride?!" Alan queried with a chuckle.

"Yes, mine. I had booked it for me and my  _wife_ , but seeing she's not here... which one of you lovely couples would like to take it so it's not wasted? Just step forward."

Alex and Olivia took a discreet step back, as did Rafael and Doom as Melanie went and spoke with the driver for a few moments before returning.

Mel beamed, "Alright! Alan and Vanessa, if you want the ride-"

Vanessa groaned, "Oh no, you're not setting  _us_  up!"

"Setting you up?! I'm offended at that suggestion. I asked a question and you both stepped forward!"

Alan folded his arms, "Excuse me?! Those 2  _couples_  stepped back."

"Of course I stepped back! I can't get up in a carriage, I'm pregnant!" Liv rested her hand on her stomach to emphasise her point.

"Melanie's already been accused of having an affair with Liv, I'm sure she doesn't want to be accused of having one with me as well," Alex said.

Rafael replied, "A carriage ride is not really mine and Joseph's... thing."

"Definitely not our thing," added Doom.

Vanessa was having none of it, "It's _your_  carriage ride, Mel."

"Yes it is! And I'm giving this almost $350 carriage ride to you and Alan because a ride for one is just  _sad_. You both take it, see the New York sights."

Alan began to speak, "We're just-"

Mel rolled his eyes, "Oh my god!  _Just friends_  do this sort of thing! It's just a horse and carriage ride that leaves from here on Broadway, and does the Central Park Big Loop, Rockefeller Center, Times Square... it's  _not_  a romantic interlude or first  _date_! Look, I'll take the bottle of wine so it's not as  _romantic_  as I had planned it with my  _wife_. Happy now?"

Alan and Vanessa were steadfastly unmoved.

Melanie continued, "If you want, I'll take the carriage ride with Vanessa, or I could take it with you Alan... but as Alex pointed out, I've already been accused of having an affair! Not sure I want to be accused of having one with either of  _you_. The choice is yours, otherwise this horse and carriage ride will go to  _waste_ , just like  _Kelly's_  ticket!"

"We'll take the damn ride then!" Vanessa snapped after Mel retrieved the wine bottle.

"Good!" Mel snapped back as the red head and rookie stalked towards the carriage.

"You had that planned all along, didn't you?" Olivia said as Alan helped Vanessa up, before he hopped up too.

"I most certainly did  _not_!" Mel replied indignantly before grinning devilishly as the carriage departed, "Well... not until this morning when I saw the reminder on my phone. Think about it though, their first date... even if they don't think or want to call it that... includes dinner, a Broadway musical and now a carriage ride. I don't think you could get much more romantic than that! And the Broadway show being _Wicked_... she might be Nessa, but Alan's definitely her  _Fiyero_."

* * *

"I laughed when I heard that the witch of the East was named Nessa," Alan said out of the blue as he draped the rug over their knees.

"You know... you can call me Nessa if you want," Vanessa said.

"Maybe one day. But I like calling you Vanessa, it's a beautiful name."

"It's a made up name that doesn't mean anything," the red head sulked.

"Doesn't mean anything?! Jonothan Swift, the man who wrote  _Gulliver's Travels_ , made up the name as a nickname for his  _lover_ , Esther Vanhomrigh. The name wouldn't exist if he hadn't written the poem ' _Cadenus and Vanessa_ '. Vanessa is also a genus of butterfly... and those butterflies have mostly orange and red colourings," Alan reached out and hooked a loose tendril of hair behind Vanessa's ear before looking away, almost bashfully.

"How did you know all that?"

"I do my research. Like I said, Vanessa's a beautiful name... for a beautiful woman."

"What else do you know?"

"I know that the name Nessa means pure, chaste... resurrection, miracle...  _lamb_. I also know for a fact that you're  _not_  a lamb,  _Ms Feisty_!" Alan grinned, which resulted in a playful smack to his bicep. "See! You just proved my point!"

* * *

"I nearly started laughing during ' _Dancing Through Life_ ' when Boq and NessaRose were singing," Mel giggled in the lounge of Alex and Liv's apartment as she poured herself a glass of wine.

"Dare I ask why?" Rafael sipped his scotch.

"Because instead of ' _Dancing Through Life'_ , all I kept thinking was... Dancing 'Round Feelings."

"Dancing 'Round Feelings?"

Melanie explained, "Kelly and I have the _Wicked_  soundtrack, and we made up a song regarding a certain rookie and a certain red head using the lyrics of that song a few weeks ago. We do stupid little things like that all the time, it's what keeps both of us sane in our crazy lives."

Doom laughed heartily before taking a mouthful of beer, "You do insane things to keep you sane?"

"Pretty much. Been doing it for years! What the hell do you do to stay normal with work?"

"Shooting range," Doom stated matter-of-factly.

Melanie shuddered, "Urgh, too close to work for me. Liv?"

"Take the car for a drive with the roof off, or cultural things like museums."

"Alex?"

"Like Liv said, anything cultural. Art galleries, museums... or running in Central Park."

"Rafael?"

Barba swirled the remains of his scotch and ice and smirked, "I prefer sailing on yachts."

"Fair enough on the ocean, but we're surrounded by lakes and ponds in Winthrop. I think I'll stick to my craziness with my wife. More laughs that way for the both of us."

"Like?" Olivia pressed.

"Like... lots of things. The singing, of course, and... when we do the grocery shopping, we look for all the lesbian food."

Doom nearly choked on his beer, "Lesbian food?"

"Well, the whole fruit section has an abundance! The obvious one is lemons... Bananas that are sold by the finger, or the hand... Lady finger bananas are especially funny... Pink Lady apples... juicing carrots... any fruit described as juicy. Then there's the homosexual food in general... rainbow anything. We can thank Kelly's parents for that little bit of lunacy. Juicy Fruit gum also very funny. We're just glad my sister-in-law owns the store and understands our silliness, otherwise I think we'd get kicked out more times than not. Kelly and I both have bizarre senses of humour, and things like that for us never get old seeing we were both such closet cases when we were young little lesbians."

"Speaking of  _old_ , guess who found a grey hair and freaked out!" Doom patted Barba's thigh.

"Joseph!"

"Well, you're in your 40's now Rafi. Stuff like that's to be expected, old grey boy!"

Mel snorted, "Doom, a little tip: Don't call it grey, you'll get cut off from sex. I should know because I learnt the hard way. Call it taupe, silver or Kelly's personal favourite... salt and pepper."

"Rafi, you can be my... silver fox."

"Keep on talking about it Joseph and I'll take up Mel's suggestion of cutting you off from all forms of... man love, as you put it."

Doom asked, "When did your wife start going grey? So Rafi here doesn't feel so bad."

Mel struggled not to laugh as she took a sip of her wine, "She was at the ripe old age of 28!"

"You're kidding?!"

Melanie shook her head, "Nope. More towards 29 though, but she was 28. She would point blank refuse to even acknowledge she was going grey and kept dying it until she was 36, like as if I wouldn't know! So one day I dyed my hair with the hair dye she kept hidden, and I acted like nothing was different like  _she_  did all the time. Kel said I looked ridiculous when she saw me, and I replied 'Spoken like a true professional,  _Madame Gris_ '. The end result of it: I ended up on the couch for a month, no sex for 2 months, and Kelly finally stopped dying her hair. It's also the reason I have short hair now. I cut it all off after the dye fried it, and she fell in love with me all over again. She cut hers because the very thought of long grey...  _salt and pepper_... hair was  _horrifique_ , and I fell in love with her all over again." She indicated the group photo of the Winthrop workers and the Manhattan ladies, "The length of Kel's hair now is how short I had it when I cut it all off."

"When did you know she had fallen for you, or vice versa?" Liv questioned.

"We did the whole dancing around our feeling for a little while, but I knew for certain when I caught Kelly singing Rick Springfield's ' _Jessie's Girl'_  and she had altered the lyrics to " _You know I wish that I was Melly's girl! I wish that I was Melly's girl! Why can't I have a woman like that?_ ". She was mortified I'd caught her, but I admitted to her that I'd sung the same song on many occasions since I met her and altered the lyrics to ' _Kelly's girl_ '. The rest is history and now we make up songs about other people... see, one of our crazy things."

Alex quirked an eyebrow, "Other people?"

"Sure! My brother and sister-in-law was easy with John Cougar... whatever name he goes by now... Mellencamp's  _'Jack and Diane'_."

"Got one for Benson and Cabot yet?" Doom wondered.

"Not yet because we've jumped on the Alan and Vanessa bandwagon, but give us time and we might come up with something for Alex and Liv. Then again, Alex and Liv mightn't like what we do with these songs especially what we did with  _'Dancing Through Life'_  to become  _'Dancing 'Round Feelings'_  to become Vanessa and Alan's song. I will say that all songs are done with love and lighthearted teasing in mind, they're not meant to be mean in any way, shape or form."

"So Leonard, do we get to hear this... song?"

"Do you want me to make your ears bleed, Doom? Because I can't sing for shit. Only my wife can stand my singing."

"I don't know about you 3, but I gotta hear this song!"

"I should've kept my mouth shut," Melanie muttered.

"Yep! But I think a little compensation of embarrassing yourself will be compensation enough," Doom said.

Mel stood up, "Alright then... all recording devices  _must_  be handed over."

"What?!" Doom was affronted.

"Oh please Dumas, I'm not a rookie. Do you see 'Greenhorn' written on my forehead? I've been around too long and I know what law enforcement people are like. There will  _no_  incriminating evidence gathered if I'm going to share with the class." The Winthrop Sheriff held out her hands and beckoned for electronic devices, "You too lawyers, phones  _must_  be relinquished."

After placing the phones well out of reach, Mel finished the last of her wine. "It starts when Glinda sings to Boq... Ahem...  _See that tragically beautiful girl... The one with red hair... It seems so unfair... That we should be in relationships glee... and not she!... Gee! I know someone who **is**  her hero... Now, if that someone were... To finally go and tell her... Well maybe, Alan could finally tell her?... Oh really? Do you think he would?... He would do anything for Miss Nessa!..."_

Everyone roared with laughter.

Rafael shook his head, "You're going to hell, you know that."

"As a non practicing Catholic lesbian who hasn't set foot inside a church since her confirmation at age 10, except for funerals and weddings... and not even her  _own_  wedding which happened to be with another woman... I don't think it  _really_  matters! If I go to hell, well at least I'll have had fun along the way. Now are you all ready for the next part?"

"Wait, there's more?"

"Oh yeah! We have a sizable chuck of the song done. So, we skip to the part where NessaRose is singing to Elphaba. To be honest, it's really appropriate particularly for tonight!...  _Finally on this one night... Nessa's about to have a fun night... With the Bangor boy... who found and rescued her!... And we only wish there was... Something we could do for them... To help them along... Can't they see... They deserve each other... And fate helped it come true... They deserve each other... Alan and Nessa... Even though they're **just friends** , everyone please, try to understand..."_

"WE DO!" everyone said in unison.

"Then Boq singing with NessaRose... _Listen, Nessa!... Alan?... Uh, Nessa... I've got something to confess-a!... I love you!... But I haven't got a clue,... how to tell you!... Oh, Alan! I know why... You do?... It's because we're **just friends**!... And you feel the need to hide your feelings for me... Well isn't that right?... No! No! It's because... uh... Because... Because you are so beautiful!... Oh, Alan! I think you're wonderful!... And they deserve each other... Don't they see, this is their chance? They deserve each other... Don't they friends... You know what?... Let them dance!..."_

Mel returned cell phones to their respective owners, "And that's all you get to hear because we haven't done the whole song yet, but we're working on it. Maybe we'll have it finished by the time they actually reveal their feelings to each other? But it's not as fun doing things like that without my better half."

"Why give yourself so much time? At least hold off until their wedding reception!" Doom joked.

* * *

Exhaling a shaky breath, Vanessa wiped her tears as she sat up in bed. After such a wonderful evening out, she had hoped the evening would continue with a peaceful night's sleep. However her subconscious had other ideas. Yet another nightmare involving Lewis Williams, but tonight's seemed even more torturous than ever. It was as if everything she had endured during her 128 day ordeal was replayed in full. She grabbed the heart shaped stone from her bedside table and went down the stairs. The red head could see Alan's prone silhouette on the fold out lounge in the dim light. Not wanting to disturb him, Vanessa turned to leave.

She gasped when Alan spoke, "You ok?"

"Can... could I... would you mind... if I stayed here... with you... for a while?" Vanessa's voice trembled as she regained her composure.

Alan slowly sat up, once again bare chested. "It's your house Vanessa, you can be wherever you want to be."

"I just want to... talk," she sat down on the edge of the bed, her back facing the rookie. "It wasn't any different than normal... he was hurting me again... except it was just everything he did... I was bombarded with everything... and I couldn't wake up... I couldn't wake up." Vanessa sniffled as she wiped her tears again, "Does it ever end?"

"The nightmares?"

She looked back over and nodded.

"They take time... but never fully end," was all Alan said, finally admitting to Vanessa that he too had endured them, and still did.

Vanessa eventually broke the long silence as she stood up, "Can I have a hug?"

"Of course you can," Alan confirmed as he opened his arms like he always did.

"Actually... will you... hug...  _hold me_... for a while?" she asked.

The Sheriff Officer nodded, not trusting himself to say anything as she pulled back bed linen on the right side of the fold out lounge. Vanessa snuggled bodily closer to Alan while she adjusted the linen covering them as they both laid down. Resting his arms around her body after some initial hesitance and Vanessa pointing out that he wasn't holding her like he said he would, Alan inhaled sharply as he felt something cold press to his chest, directly over his now pounding heart.

"What's that?!"

"The little rock you gave me," Vanessa murmured.

"Oh."

"Goodnight Alan."

"Goodnight Vanessa," he whispered before pressing a soft kiss to her forehead. Like the previous night, both knew exactly what had just happened, but neither said anything. Alan rested his left hand on top of Vanessa's right hand clutching the smooth river stone, his thumb lightly tracing back and forth on one of the scars that criss-crossed the back of her hand while he continued to hold her securely.

Neither occupant of the little house in Hackensack cared if  _just friends_  did or didn't do that sort of thing.


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill, I'm not a medical doctor so if what the OBGYN says is wrong, please take up your complaints with Doctor Google ;-)

Olivia was already up on the examination table in preparation for her regular Thursday ultrasound regarding baby Brianna's development and progress when a male technician entered. The brunette was immediately on edge as he quietly closed the door and dimmed the lights, "You're not the usual ultrasound technician."

"No, Jenny's got this week off... the lucky lady!" he replied as he adjusted the surgical mask covering his face.

"I'm  _not_  comfortable with someone else performing my ultrasound," Liv stated matter-of-factly.

He approached with cocky swagger, "Oh? Why's that?"

Olivia ignored the man's question, "Is there another technician available?"

"Is it because I'm...  _male_?"

Once again Olivia repeated, "Is there  _another_  technician available?"

"Is it because you're unsure if you were...  _violated_?"

Liv struggled to sit up at hearing that very personal question, but somehow her legs were now spread open, her feet and ankles shackled firmly to the examination stirrups. He pulled down the surgical mask and grinned like a Cheshire Cat at the defenseless, panicking woman.

"No!" Olivia cried, seeing those menacing features looking at her.

"You're  _still_  unsure if you were raped or not... aren't you,  _Detective Benson_?" Lewis Williams grasped his rough, gnarled fingers on Olivia's shoulder, forcefully pushing her back down on the examination table. She struggled violently, but eventually he managed to handcuff a wrist to a chain on the wall behind her head before repeating the shackling process with Liv's other wrist. " _Still_  wondering... _always_ wondering if I did...  _something_... to you."

Lewis removed the surgical mask from his face completely, clearly enjoying taunting the brunette. "I can't tell you the number of times you looked  _exactly_  like this on your mattress in the cellar as my gracious guest in my humble home... all restrained and spread open...  _so_  many memories for  _me_ , and  _none_  for  _you_! But maybe I can help rectify that right now? Maybe I can help you remember our...  _fun times_?" He loomed over Olivia menacingly, examining her vulnerable position critically. "Well... for one thing, I think you're wearing  _too_  many clothes. Let's start with that, shall we?"

He held aloft a pair of trauma shears in front of Olivia's face, opening and closing them several times, the sound of them repeatedly cutting and snipping the air echoing within the small room. Lewis pressed the blunt points to Liv's cheek, lazily dragging them down the contours of her face, chin and neck, pausing at the valley of her breasts. Meticulously, Lewis snipped off each button from the button down shirt Olivia was wearing before parting open the material.

"I see you still carry the scars of my handiwork!" Lewis brushed a finger over the cigarette burn on the upper swell over her bandeau bra covered breast, before skating it down to drag along a laceration on the swell of her stomach, "You always will... for the rest of your life. Every time your daughter asks how  _Mommy_  got these marks on her body, you'll once again be reminded of our time in the cellar."

Lewis circled around the examination table to now stand between Olivia's splayed open legs in the stirrups, opening and closing the shears again. As Liv fought not to whimper in fear, Lewis pressed the blunt points of the trauma shears to Olivia's skin of her swollen stomach. He languidly dragged them down the centre of the maternity belt extender, detouring left and down her jean clad thigh, over her bent knee and down to her shin as he his tongue darted out and licked his lips.

"Still too many clothes to remember our fun times, Detective. Let's get you undressed... I'm sorry,  _dressed_... like you were in the cabin!" Lewis laughed while he hacked at the jeans hem at Olivia's outer ankle. Within seconds he had sliced up to her jeans waistband, before doing the same to the other jeans leg and halting at the waistband. "Just 2 little snips to go!" he said before completing the task, removing the cut jeans covering her before taking the other half of the jeans from under her, while Olivia's eyes snapped closed.

"Uh-uh-uh!" Lewis Williams tutted, dragging the trauma shears across Olivia's stomach again. "Eyes open, Detective! How will you remember if your eyes are closed? If you don't open them, I'll hold them open myself... ...That's better! Now... you  _never_  wore boy short underwear while you were in the cabin, so let's get rid of those right away!"

 _"GET AWAY FROM ME!"_ Olivia spat, her eyes wild in terror as Lewis Williams fingers rested on her knee. He dragged the deformed digits up tanned thighs, keeping his touch consistent as they skated up her inner thighs for a moment, then traversed to her hip before coming to rest on her stomach.

"I don't think so, Detective Benson!" Lewis hooked his fingers at the waistband of the boy shorts under her navel, slowly snipping the elastic and fabric at each hip until he cut through both boy short legs then yanking the material away.

_"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T YOU **EVER**  TOUCH ME!"..._

* * *

_"Get away from me!... Don't touch me!... Don't you **ever**  touch me!"_ cried Olivia out as she jerked awake in a panic.

The bedside lamp was already on and Alex was sitting up, ready to placate the brunette as she always did from Liv's nightmares. "It's alright, Olivia. Just another dream. We're in  _our_  bed, in  _our_  apartment, and we're  _all_  safe."

"D-don't t-touch m-me!" Olivia said, her voice trembling along with her body as her eyes darted to the left. "D-don't touch me right now. J-just give me a few moments..."

Liv saw the brief flash of hurt in Alex's blue eyes as soon as the words escaped her mouth, even though Alex hadn't attempted to initiate any contact as yet. It was the first time since she found out that she was pregnant that Olivia had pushed Alex away, and her remorse in doing so was instantaneous. "I'm sorry, sweetie. Could you put your hand next to mine, please?" Liv placed her left hand on the bed while she sat up, desperately hoping Alex would acquiesce her request. As soon as she felt the mattress dip near her hand, Olivia took Alex's hand in hers like she was holding on for her life, needing to control the contact she so desperately needed from the woman she loved. Olivia froze as she looked at Alex, "We need to get out of bed."

"Why?" Alex asked gently.

Liv lowered her head in humiliation, "We need to change the sheets and I need a shower, new pyjamas and underwear."

* * *

Alex knocked on the bathroom door with fresh sleeping attire and underwear in hand, waiting for Olivia's response. She had already changed the bed sheets and mattress protector, and put the laundry on while Liv had a shower. A sheepish Olivia peered around the partially opened door before allowing Alex entry inside.

Olivia took the fresh underwear and slipped them on under her towelling robe, "Did I wake Mel?"

"I don't think so. Even if Melanie did wake, I doubt she'd admit it. She's a good friend like that," Alex replied as Liv pulled up her drawstring sweatpants. When Olivia went to remove her robe, Alex asked "Do you want me to reapply some cream to your back?"

Hanging the robe on the hook behind the door, Liv shook her head. "No, not now. But there is something I'd like you to do."

"Anything."

"Could you remove your pyjama top and hold me?" Tears were brimming in Olivia's eyes as she turned back around to face the blonde. A large tear escaped and slipped down her cheek when she added, "Please?"

Without breaking eye contact, Alex unbuttoned her silk pyjama top and slipped it from her shoulders before stepping into Olivia's embrace, as the brunette's body shook with heavy sobs. The ADA knew it was one of Olivia's way to know that she was in the here and now, and not still stuck in one of her realistic nightmares. Feeling their soft, naked skin of their upper bodies against each other with a hint of intimacy, but nothing overtly sexual. Both women knew that if either of them did this with other people in their past relationships, it would most certainly lead to sex, but both knew their relationship was more than that. It was an intimacy that both had craved in the past which neither had found, and both women were glad to finally find that someone that shared exactly what they wanted and needed. Alex threaded her hand through the fine hairs at the back of Olivia's head, reassuring her with murmured words of love while her other hand rested on the small of Olivia's back.

Avoidance of those 2 major scars on her scapulas was paramount right now.

In her own time while her face was buried in the curve of Alex's neck, Olivia told Alex what occurred in her nightmare. Her lips lightly brushing pale skin, her tears slipping down her cheeks and continuing their journey down Alex's back, pooling where Olivia's arms wrapped around the blonde's body. She felt Alex's arms tighten around her when she recalled what Lewis did with the shears just before she woke, but once again Olivia was still in the dark if she had been raped or not. Alex continued to hold her in her arms, no more words needed to be spoken. Their arms wrapped around each other told them everything they already knew.

Liv raised her face from the curve of Alex's neck and looked deeply into those blue eyes she loved as her tears ebbed away, "I'm so sorry for saying that I didn't want you touching me when I woke up. I need you to know that I didn't even want to touch me. I just felt so...  _dirty_... in that moment, and then I realised I'd lost control of my bladder again."

"Olivia, I'm not upset." Alex thumbed away the remaining trail of tears from Olivia's cheek.

"I saw the look you gave me."

"I admit, hearing you say that you didn't want me touching you hurt me for a moment, but I understand  _why_  you said it."

"Not everyone in our situation would understand... I'm grateful that  _you_  do." Olivia kissed Alex softly, "No wonder I want to marry you."

Alex raised an eyebrow in curiosity, "Soo... was _that_  my proposal?"

Liv shook her head, "No, that  _wasn't_  your proposal."

"That's a real shame because I would've said yes," Alex pouted playfully, making Olivia smile.

"You'll  _know_  when I propose."

"If you don't do it... soonish...  _I_  might end up proposing to  _you_  myself."

"Really?"

"Why not? As the song almost goes:  _If you like it, then you should put a ring on it._ "

"Thankyou  _Beyoncé_  Cabot. Now who was it that told me in a certain motel room that  _'patience is a virtue'_?"

"That's sounds like something I  _might_  have said," Alex muttered.

"So  _be_  patient." Olivia saw the pout on Alex's features and she grinned in response, "You don't like that  _I_  just used something against  _you_  that  _you_  used against _me_ , do you?"

"No," the blonde sulked before grinning as well. Her eyes darted downwards to their breasts for the briefest of moments, before connecting with brown eyes. "You're getting cold, aren't you?"

"Just a little... just like you," Liv stifled a laugh.

"Want to go back to bed now? Try and get some sleep seeing you and Vanessa had a big day showing Melanie and Alan around the city yesterday, and you actually have the regular ultrasound in about 12 or 13 hours time."

Olivia's answer was in the form of a slow, gentle kiss. "Will you be coming to the ultrasound this afternoon?"

"I wouldn't miss it for the world," Alex reassured.

Reluctantly ending their embrace, both women dressed in their pyjama tops and exited the bathroom. Instead of heading for their bed, Olivia headed towards the kitchen.

"Where are you going?"

Liv shrugged, "Ahh... a small... snack?"

"If you mean something chocolate-y and peanut-ty, I have a Peanut Butter Cup in my pocket."

"You do?" Olivia whirled back around.

Alex nodded, pulling the orange coloured packet from her pyjama pocket and handing it to the brunette. "Got it for you after I put the laundry on. I had a tiny hunch you might want something like it."

Liv opened the candy wrapper and began devouring its contents with gusto, "See!  _This_  is why I want to marry you!"

"Was  _that_  my proposal?"

"No!"

"Just checking," Alex said before kissing off a smear of chocolate near the corner of Olivia's mouth.

* * *

Mel scanned the cabinet, "Which one do you think Alan was looking at?"

"Huh?" Olivia looked up from the engagement ring display in the jewellery store after lunch. There were still a few hours to fill before Olivia's ultrasound appointment later that afternoon.

"While you were scanning the engagement rings on Monday, Winthrop's rookie Sheriff Officer was looking at necklaces in  _this_  cabinet."

"Was he?"

"Yes, he was! Now I want to know which one!"

"He could have been just looking for ideas while we were waiting?" suggested Liv, looking up for a brief moment. "Nessa's birthday and Christmas are just 2 days apart."

Melanie wandered back over to Olivia, "Yeah, you're probably right. It would be easier for him to buy something in Augusta, especially if he wants to surprise his  _just friends_  friend."

"Now you know why I'm looking at these rings while Alex is at work."

Mel hummed as she and Olivia scanned the engagement rings, "This brings back a lot of memories... even though I've never been engaged."

"Says the woman who's  _already_  married."

"What? I told you: commitment ring and wedding ring," Melanie held up each hand at the mention of the relevant piece of jewellery. "No engagement whatsoever... technically. I guess Kelly and I could call our commitment rings our engagement rings, but that's us. Neither of us really worried about buying another ring after same sex marriage became legal in Maine. However, we both put a lot of thought into our commitment rings."

"Obviously there's a reason or reasons behind the rubies and emeralds then."

"That's correct. When I thought about Kel's ring, I opted for emeralds for her eyes, even though her eyes aren't emerald green. But also emeralds are associated with love and healing, so I thought them quite appropriate for a doctor. We found out later on that emeralds were supposed to help with female fertility... well, we both know what happened there. Kelly chose rubies for my commitment ring because that gemstone also symbolises love, and they're attributed with the ability to protect the wearer from injury. Me being law enforcement... I'm sure you get the idea. And middle finger-"

"I might not be a lesbian, but I understand the lesbian symbolism there."

"You guessed that symbolism correctly," Mel laughed. "So what are you thinking for Alex's ring?"

"Her birthstone is emeralds, but I can't see her wearing emeralds. Alex's eyes are blue, but I can't imagine an engagement ring on her hand with sapphires either. Maybe an _eternity_  ring, but not an engagement ring. I can't picture Alex with rubies either. To be honest, for me an engagement ring is just diamonds... and I believe Alex would think similar. I don't want to sitting to high on her hand so it can't catch on anything... and no claws, so no possibility of any stones falling out. I think something like a rub over or bezel set... maybe a channel set ring? Actually, I like the style of your commitment ring but want something a little different for Alex."

The shaggy blonde queried, "Are there any rings in the cabinet you keep looking at?"

Olivia scanned the display and nodded, her eyes zeroing in on a particular ring.

"Is it in your price range?"

"If I pay it off over the next few weeks, yes."

"Do you know Alex's ring size?"

"Oh yeah. The ring she currently has on her left finger is the ring my Mom gave me for my 18th. It usually fits on my right ring finger but Alex has been wearing it while my knuckles heal. I guess I could've gotten the ring back by now, but I like seeing a ring of mine on her finger."

"So what are you waiting for? Ask to look at the ring and try it on."

"What if Alex doesn't like it?" Olivia chewed her bottom lip in worry.

"Do you really think Alex would turn her nose up at an engagement ring from the woman she loves?"

Liv gained the attention of the sales assistant, "Hi. Could I please take a look at the ring in the 4th row... 3rd from the right."

The sales assistant unlocked the cabinet and passed the ring over, explaining it was a 1 carat Bezel Set Round Diamond Engagement Ring with 12 Channel Set Baguette Diamonds in 18k white gold. The 12 Baguette Diamonds were a little over 1.5 carats in total too. The ring was elegant, stylish and ticked all the boxes of Olivia's ideas for Alex's engagement ring. Olivia held her breath as she slipped the ring on her right ring finger.

A perfect fit.

"What do you think?" asked Olivia as she showed Melanie.

"I think if  _you_  gave  _me_  that ring, I'd have to turn you down because Alex and Kel wouldn't be to happy about it!" Mel teased. "On the other hand, if  _Kelly_  gave  _me_  a ring like that... I'd marry her in a heartbeat, no questions. I'm certain Alex will do the same when you give it to her."

"I really hope she will," Olivia removed the ring and passed it back to the sales assistant. "Can I pay this off over the next month and pick it up just before Christmas?"

"We can arrange that, most definitely. What sort of ring box would you like for the ring? We have the standard velvet, leather or novelty."

"Novelty?"

"There are several types... lady bug, turtle, dolphin, whale or a penguin. We also have a top hat, a handbag, a strawberry, a Holiday stocking, or a rose."

"A rose?!"

"That's available in a flower bud or a long stem. Always popular around Valentine's Day, but acceptable at any time of the year."

The sales assistant showed the brunette an example of both from under the counter.

"Alex wouldn't expect something like that. She'd expect a small square velvet box... so I think I'll go the long stem rose ring box, thankyou."

As Olivia paid a sizable deposit on her credit card and made arrangements to continue paying over the next month, Mel took another look at the necklace cabinet Alan had shown so much interest in. Most of the necklaces were fine chains that had different letters, pendants, lockets and charms attached... some even had small gems.

"For the record, I'd also remarry my wife if she gave me a Ring Pop. Particularly if it were raspberry or strawberry flavoured," Melanie said as she and Olivia exited the store. They walked a little way down the street and got inside the Mustang. She tilted her head to the side as her attention was drawn to someone walking the sidewalk, "Oh my, Liv... Alan's going inside the jewellery shop!"

Olivia leant closer, seeing Alan pull open the door and walk inside. "Nessa's got a therapy session right now, so he's obviously filling in time."

"I gotta see this!" Melanie went to exit but Olivia rested her hand on the Sheriff's arm.

"No, don't! You'll scare him."

"You're right. We'll wait and see if he leaves with something."

"Are you suggesting we stakeout Alan?"

"Stakeout sounds _too_  police-like. More like surveillance... or reconnaissance," Mel justified with a giggle.

Olivia shook her head and laughed, "Oh yeah! Because those sound a lot  _less_  police-like."

"How about... covertly observing from afar?"

"Just admit we're spying on him."

"Are you going to admit to that, Olivia?"

"No way in the world! Are you?"

"Hell no! Now be quiet so we can continue... not spying... on my rookie."

"I can live with... casually monitoring," Liv suggested after a short silence.

"Casually monitoring him it is!"

About 10 minutes later, Olivia and Melanie watched as Alan exited the jewellery store. He opened a small box to view its contents before closing and slipping the small box inside his duty jacket hand pocket, and heading back down the street towards Doctor Lindstrom's office. When he was a good distance down the street, Mel jumped out the car and headed back inside the store before Olivia could say anything. Not even 2 minutes later, the Winthrop Sheriff reentered the car with a huge smirk.

"Definitely a necklace! The sales assistant was rearranging that necklace cabinet's display when I walked back in and asked for a business card."

* * *

"You're both a little early for dinner tonight," Olivia ushered Vanessa and Alan inside the apartment.

"Just a little. Actually... Liv, you've got your ultrasound in a little while at the OBGYN's, haven't you?"

"That's right. I'll be leaving in about an hour."

"Would it be possible to go with you? They rang me to tell me they have my results... I don't think I can hear them by myself... a-and you've been with me since this all began, and..." Vanessa trailed off, tears shining in her eyes.

"We can go right now if you'd like," Olivia grabbed her keys, purse and a Peanut Bar for good measure.

Once Olivia and Vanessa said their goodbyes and left, Melanie turned her attention to the curly haired Sheriff Officer. "Soo... what did you do while Vanessa was in therapy?"

Alan tried not to sound too worried or defensive, "Just waited. Why?"

"Oh, no reason." Mel shrugged. She waited until Alan began to relax before adding, "I just thought I saw you enter a jewellery store."

Alan's facial features remained neutral, but his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed gave him away.

* * *

Vanessa asked as soon as the OBGYN closed the door, "Just tell me, do I have cancer?"

"You can stop worry about uterine or ovarian cancer, Vanessa. As I suspected, you have PCOS... Polycystic Ovary Syndrome."

Olivia felt Vanessa's grasp of her hand loosen at the confirmation.

The OBGYN continued, "I know your next question will be: What do we do about it? There are several different treatments we can try. The main question I have to ask you is: Do you want to get pregnant?"

The red head nodded, "Yes, definitely. Well... not right  _now_ , but maybe in a couple of years?"

"If you wanted to get pregnant now, you'd have to wait until you started menstruating anyway. When you were regular again, I'd give you progesterone tablets or an injection such as Provera, then start you on clomiphene citrate, better known as Clomid or Serophene, to help stimulate ovulation. But seeing you're not wanting to start a family in the foreseeable future, I'll just start you on some oral contraceptive pills to induce a regular menstrual cycle. Keep in mind, if and when you  _do_  want to start a family, you may still need to take the clomiphene. There are some side affects you should be aware of if that path needs to be taken. These include enlarged and tender ovaries, breast tenderness as well, hot flashes, nausea, headaches, mood swings. There's also an increased chance of multiple births with clomiphene. More than likely twins."

Vanessa hummed at the information, "Already have a family history of twins."

* * *

While Vanessa went to get her prescription filled, Olivia waited for her ultrasound appointment. As the scheduled time neared, Liv's pulse began to race when she saw an unknown male technician enter the regular ultrasound room.

Panic began to set in.

Her breath started getting shorter, shallower.

Even though she knew Lewis Williams was dead, she didn't want her nightmare from that morning becoming a reality.

Olivia's attention was drawn to Alex's voice calling her name, calm washing over her as the blonde approached. Liv took Alex's hand in hers as soon as Alex was within arms reach.

"Are you alright?" Alex whispered as she sat.

"I am now," Olivia confirmed as Jenny, the regular ultrasound technician, indicated for the both of them to enter the other examination room to begin the ultrasound.


	47. Chapter 47

Olivia and Alex interlocked their fingers, both studying the ultrasound image of their daughter on the screen while Jenny, the regular ultrasound technician, took growth measurements.

"She looks like a grumpy old man," Olivia chuckled before pulling a similar scowling face at the screen in response.

Alex's eyes went back and forth from the screen to Olivia's face number of times and deadpanned, "Like mother, like daughter."

"Hey!"

"Both beautiful, and very easy for me to fall in love with... and love," Alex pressed a gentle kiss to Olivia's forehead.

"Good save, Cabot."

"And I meant every word of it, Benson."

Olivia turned her attention to the ultrasound technician, "How is she, Jenny?"

"Well..." Jenny finished the measurement on the screen she was currently taking, then compared them to the last ultrasound. "... Baby Benson has grown some more, but not as much as the last time we measured."

Olivia made a sound of disappointment as she looked back at the screen, her grip tightening in Alex's hand a little.

Jenny continued, "She had a little growth spurt last time, but she's  _still_  growing and that's all we want. If she keeps growing at the rate she is, combined with your steady weight gain, we'd expect her to be somewhere around 5 to 5 and a half pounds...  _if_  she's born earlier than her due date in February. The longer your daughter can stay inside and grow, the better."

"Isn't 5 pounds low for a baby's birth weight?" asked Alex. "I'm sure that was mentioned in one of those birthing DVD's we watched."

"You have to remember that babies can vary in birth weight dramatically. Less than 5 and a half pounds would be classed as having 'low birth weight', although 1 in 12 women give birth to low birth weight babies. We understand Olivia's been under stress since conception, which can also contribute to low birth weight. However, if Baby Benson keeps growing the way she is, and Olivia keeps doing what she's been doing and can carry to full term, the doctors will be more than happy!" Jenny turned on the doppler so Olivia and Alex could hear the baby's heart beating, "Take it from me, her heartbeat is strong. That's more important right now. If her heartbeat was weak or irregular, we'd be more worried. So let the doctors do the worrying, and you do the baking of the bun in your oven, Olivia."

Both women couldn't help but laugh at Jenny's comment. They continued observing their daughter until the ultrasound session was complete.

As Olivia cleaned off the remains of the gel from her stomach, Alex asked "What are you doing Monday?"

"Mel and Alan will be flying back to Winthrop on Monday after lunch, so I'll be taking them to the airport because Nessa has her regular appointment with Doctor Lindstrom... but apart from that, not much. Tuesday's my next appointment with Doctor MacKenzie. Why?"

"Seeing we've been out a few times with Vanessa, Alan and Mel... and also Rafael and Joe... and Sunday night with all of them and Amanda as well for  _Kinky Boots_... I would like to take my beautiful woman out on a romantic evening on Monday night, just the both of us."

"Is this one of those romantic evening you'd like to tick off your bucket list?" Liv asked, tossing the wipes in the trash.

"Yes. I want us to get dressed up and go out by ourselves. You choose the restaurant."

Liv thought as she adjusted her clothing, "Umm... how about that little Italian place not far from the Court House that we've been to before on some of our dinner dates?"

"It'll be really nice to go there on a real date with you," replied the blonde before pressing a soft kiss to Liv's mouth. When Alex pulled back, she smiled and studied Olivia openly.

Olivia was clearly puzzled, "What?"

"I just noticed your hair is getting a little longer... a little shaggier."

"I thought I might let it grow out a little bit," Liv ran a hand through her short brown locks.

Hand in hand, they exited the ultrasound room and scheduled the next appointment before catching up with Vanessa in the waiting area. The red head informed Alex of her diagnosis as they headed for the door.

* * *

"I-I don't know what you're talking about, Mel." Alan tried to cover while stuffing his hand inside the pocket of his jacket which the Sheriff had observed him put the jewellery box.

The shaggy blonde shrugged, "Huh. Must've been someone that looked like you then."

"The Big Apple is a  _big_  city," Alan went to gesture with his hands, but his hand got caught and the velvet box tumbled out of pocket onto the floor of the apartment.

Melanie pounced on the box just before Alan could. She scrambled around to the other side of the lounge room to give herself some distance, grasping the box tightly behind her back.

"Give it back," Alan began stalking around the lounge suite as well in an attempt to get the velvet box back into his possession.

"No!"

Alan made a lunge, "Mel!"

Melanie zipped around the furniture, "Tell me what it is you bought!"

"A  _gift_!"

"Obviously!" drawled the Sheriff.

"May I  _please_  have the box back."

"Yes you may... once you admit you're in love with Vanessa." The Sheriff brought the box from behind her back to in front of her, "I'll give it back without looking at it too."

Alan stayed resolutely silent before attempting to snatch the velvet box back once again.

"You should have just said it," Melanie said.

"Melanie, it's not for your eyes!" Alan cried as the shaggy blonde opened the box.

Her eyes darted from the open box to Alan, "A keyring?! You bought an NYPD spinner keyring?!"

"What? You don't think it's a good gift? I thought it was quite cool!" Alan said with all seriousness.

"That's a  _terrible_  gift."

"You're right. I should get one from Maine, huh? Or maybe a Winthrop trucker hat?"

Melanie rubbed her temple in frustration as she handed back the box, "Oh good lord!  _That's_  what you want to give Vanessa?!"

Alan laughed at his superior's frustration as he stuffed the box back in his pocket, "I bought the NYPD spinner keyring for the Secret Santa that Brad mentioned happened every year at the Winthrop Sheriff's Department. You may have just ruined your own Secret Santa gift."

"What?"

"See Mel, I saw you in Olivia's car parked on the street when I approached the jewellery store. People that own classic cars seem to notice other classics quite a lot. Olivia's Mustang is distinctive and I recognised the number plate. I can only hope my Plymouth Fury looks as good as that Mustang once I've finished restoring it. If you were trying to spy on a fellow law enforcement officer, you failed."

"I wasn't spying!"

"You were what then? Discreetly watching?"

"Would be a better descriptive."

"Next time try doing it in something a little  _less_  distinctive, like a Crown Vic. I knew you'd want to see what I bought... so I purchased a spare velvet box to put the keyring in just to mess with you!" Alan removed another blue velvet box from his other jacket pocket, "This might be the box you want to see the contents of."

Alan laughed again as Melanie grabbed and opened the box, "Oh no, it's not! That's the St Michael's pendant and chain Olivia gave me."

Mel snapped it closed and thrust the box back into Alan's hand, clearly unimpressed.

"I admit, I really like Vanessa." Alan's inner thoughts added 'a lot'. He was certain his feelings were leaning towards love, but he wasn't ready to voice that to anyone just yet. He continued speaking aloud, "However, she has a lot to more to deal with in her recovery than a guy like me that likes her the way I do."

"You should tell her how much you  _like_  her."

"I don't want to ruin the friendship I have with her, because I like what Vanessa and I have... whatever it _is_  we have. If she only want to be ' _just friends_ ' with me right now, I'll take it."

"You know she's coming to see you get your Combat Cross in just a couple of weeks and stay in Winthrop for that weekend. Most people who have been through something like Vanessa and Olivia did wouldn't want to be within a 100 mile radius of where they were held... but she wants to come back and see  _you_. That says a lot about her and how much  _she_  likes _you_  without saying any words to you... and I bet whatever you bought Vanessa at the jewellery store says just as much without saying anything."

He debated internally before he reached inside his duty jacket to the inner breast pocket and removed 2 more velvet boxes. Keeping them both firmly in his grasp, Alan opened them before showing the Sheriff their contents.

"That is a  _beautiful_  necklace and matching earrings," gasped Mel, eyeing off the delicate jewellery. "They'll go nice with the Fearlessness pendant she wears."

"That's what I thought when I saw them. Please don't tell Vanessa about these. I want to give her the necklace for her 30th birthday, the earrings for Christmas... or vice versa. I haven't decided which way yet."

"You have my word, I won't say anything to Vanessa... but I won't let up on the teasing until you tell Vanessa that you  _like_  her."

"I wouldn't expect anything else," Alan replied, letting his boss know that he was fine with the ribbing and teasing he had been subjected to regarding his feeling towards Vanessa. He took one last look at what he had purchased for the red head before closing the boxes and putting them back inside his inner breast pocket. "Do you think she'll like them?"

"She'll love them when you give them to her in Ohio."

"They're not too much, are they?"

"No, they're not."

After a short while they settled on the couch and clicked on the television. They had been watching a show about car restorations for almost an hour to fill in time when Mel's phone rang.

"That's Kelly!" Mel said, seeing the video call before answering. She held the phone in front of her and waved, "Hey babe!"

_"Hey Melly!"_ Kelly waved, dressed in a MSF shirt.

The curly haired rookie snorted, "Melly?! That's-"

Melanie rounded on him, "Don't even  _think_  of finishing that sentence, or I'll keep calling you  _Mopey_  when we get back to Winthrop!"

_"Is that Alan there with you?"_

"Hey Doc!" Alan leant into the view of the video camera and waved.

_"Hi Alan! Anyone else there?"_

Alan shook his head, "Not at the moment, but they shouldn't be too much longer."

Mel explained for Kelly's benefit, "Olivia's having an ultrasound, and Vanessa's getting her OBGYN results too. Hopefully they'll both have good news. How is it over there?"

_"I'd rather hear more about what you've done and been doing in New York."_ Kelly gave a tight lipped smile, _"Actually babe, I'd rather be talking to you for a completely different reason, but that's beside the point."_

Mel could hear the hint of desire in Kelly's tone and knew that emergency doctor was referring to phone sex. But now was not the time or place for that. "I let Alan and Vanessa have our carriage ride after _Wicked_..." the Sheriff said before blurting out, "... and Alan bought Vanessa a necklace and earrings!"

"Mel!" chastised Alan.

"What? I said I wouldn't say anything to  _Vanessa_ , I never said anything about not telling Kelly."

_"Melanie, give the phone to Alan!"_ The curly haired rookie took the phone out of Mel's grasp before Kelly spoke to him, _"Alan, I won't say a word to your Snow White. Your secret is safe with the both of us. If Mel even breaths a word, I'll tell you things that you can use against her as leverage. Now, my wife's not teasing you too much, is she?"_

Alan stood up and took a few steps away from the couch, "No more than normal, Kelly. And thankyou for keeping Vanessa's gift quiet... By the way, while I was buying Vanessa's birthday gift, Mel bought you something too!"

_"She did!"_

"I WHAT?!" Mel jumped up from the couch, realising Alan had just thrown her under the bus.

"I'm not allowed to tell you what it is either because it's your Christmas present, but Mel also bought you jewellery. Kinda expensive! You'll see it when you get back or maybe at Christmas?" Alan managed to say with a devilish evil grin before Melanie snatched the phone back.

_"Aww, babe. You shouldn't have!"_

"Well, you know me and surprise gifts... but Alan should have kept his  _big mouth shut_!" Melanie struggled not to be flustered, making a mental note that she now needed to buy jewellery as Alan tried to suppress his laughter.

"So should  _you_!" Alan rebutted as the apartment door unlocked. "Vanessa, Olivia and Alex are back! Come quickly, Kelly's on the phone!"

The 3 recently arrived women hastily gathered around the smart phone in Melanie's outstretched arms, each saying hello to the absent salt and pepper haired doctor.

"Where are you right now in the Philippines?" Olivia asked on behalf of everyone.

_"Samar Island for the time being. We did 25 surgeries yesterday and I'm gearing up for a similar numbers of surgeries today. Queues are growing... patients are suffering pneumonia and diarrhoea now. That's when things go from bad to worse before things start getting better. Once a field hospital has been set up in Tacloban, that's in the Leyte Province, I might be relocated to there. I'll know in a few days for certain though. I'm truly sorry to all 5 of you that I broke my promise to be there in New York to visit and ruined the holiday. I don't know how I'll make it up to all of you, but I will make it up to each and every one of you when I get back. Especially you, Melanie."_

Mel smiled, "I know you will, and I've already forgiven you."

_"Did you give Olivia and Alex the gift we have for their daughter?"_

"Not yet... but I guess now is a good as time as any," Mel passed the phone Olivia as she made her way to the spare room.

_"How was your ultrasound, Liv?"_

"The technician was happy that she's still steadily growing. She had a growth spurt last time ultrasound, but not this time. They think she might be born with low birth weight if I deliver early, but they tell me that I just have to keep doing what I've been doing."

_"This doctor says follow those doctor orders, or I'll get Alex to kick your butt. Any hints on baby Brianna's first name?"_

Liv shook her head, "Apart from Amy, Sophie, Zoë or Chloe... no."

"I think I know which name I'm going to cross off on my side of the list in December!" Alex replied.

"You do?" Olivia turned to face Alex.

"Yes. I also think you know which name you're going to cross off your side of the list, Liv."

"I'll neither confirm or deny that statement at this point in time, ADA Cabot."

_"When you've narrowed it down, tell Melanie so she can tell me. Alex, what's happening?"_

Alex took the phone, "I thought you might like a heads up before you start hearing the rumours... Olivia and Melanie have been accused of having an affair by a coworker of mine."

_"Really? An affair? I guess that's a step up from Melanie being asked or assumed that Brad's her husband when she still went by Zimmerley. If my woman and your woman are having an affair now, then you and me can hook up when I get back to even the score."_

"Done!" chuckled Alex. "I'll pencil it in to my schedule."

_"Vanessa, Mel said you were getting your results."_

"That's right. I got diagnosed with PCOS," Vanessa confirmed as she was handed the smart phone.

Alan wondered aloud, "What's that?"

Even via the video call, Kelly could see Vanessa struggling to put into words what she had been diagnosed with and helped the red head out,  _"Alan, it's managable lady problems."_

"Oh! Ok then," he said.

Kelly continued, _"She's obviously always had it, but the stress she was under would have exacerbated the symptoms."_

"That's what the OBGYN said," Vanessa confirmed.

_"They put you on some type of **pill**?"_

"Yes, a type of  _pill_." The red head was thankful that Alan was seemingly oblivious to the connotations. Or if he was aware, he was doing a convincing job pretending to be none-the-wiser.

Melanie returned with something behind her back and took back the smart phone as she stood in front of everyone so Kelly could see, "On behalf of my absent wife and myself... here's a little something my sister-in-law Heather made for when your daughter is a little older and bigger."

The Winthrop Sheriff presented Olivia and Alex a toddler version of a Winthrop Sheriff's Department uniform on a little child's plastic coat hanger, complete with an embroidered 'Honourary Sheriff' Winthrop Sheriff's Department gold star exactly like Mel's, and official Winthrop Sheriff's Department patches on both arms that had a little man called 'Squire Winthrop' on them.

"Oh my goodness!" Alex took the outfit from Melanie's outstretched hand and placed it on top of Olivia's stomach, "It's so cute!"

Olivia couldn't help but beam widely at the little uniform, "I  _love_  it! Thankyou Mel and Kelly... and Heather too!"

"That is the most adorable thing I've ever seen!" Vanessa cooed.

Mel smirked, "Just wait until you see Alan in his dress uniform for his award, then you can reevaluate that statement."

Alan groaned, glaring daggers at his boss.

"Aww, don't worry Alan. I get to wear mine too seeing I have to attend the ceremony as well, and mine's a little fancier than yours!" sympathised Mel.

_"Mel babe, don't talk about your dress uniform when I'm all the way over here. That's **very**  cruel," _Kelly whined.

Melanie turned the phone back towards herself and poked her tongue out, knowing the salt and pepper haired doctor loved that dress uniform and wouldn't say her usual 'Don't poke it out unless you intend to use it' in front of everyone else.

Kelly rolled her eyes, _"Unfortunately, I need to go and get ready for my next shift and I'd like to bid farewell to everyone before I talk to **you**  privately for a few minutes."_

Olivia, Alex, Vanessa and Alan all took turns to farewell the absent doctor before Mel walked back to the spare room and sat on the bed.

The Sheriff held the phone a little nearer in hope that it would make her wife seem closer, "What did you want to talk to me about?"

_"First up, when's Alan's award ceremony again?"_

"Saturday, December 7th at 3pm in Augusta."

_"From memory those ceremonies take a while."_

"A couple of hours for the whole ceremony seeing there will be other Maine Sheriff Department's receiving their awards too. I'm sure Vanessa will stay with Alan for dinner at the very least if she's not comfortable staying with him for the first night. She seems to be fine with him being at her house, but it could be a different story if she stays at his cottage. She knows she has a bed at our house if she wants to use it."

_"Good idea. When you get back our house after the ceremony, I want you to stay in your dress uniform and call me. I'll make sure I get the morning of December 8th off."_

"So you can get off?"

_"Maybe we both can."_  Kel waggled her eyebrows before turning serious, _"Melanie, I know we spoke about why I volunteered again last phone call. I need you to know and hopefully understand why... it's not just David... I need to know if **I**  can do this... volunteer... and not break down afterwards. I was going to tell you this... but you wouldn't talk, and then you didn't answer your phone..."_

"I know," Mel lamented.

_"I had to make a decision, and I made that decision in anger. I'm truly sorry, babe."_

"I'm sorry too. I said horrible things... and you did things... we both hurt each other, and I know we didn't mean to do that."

Kelly held up her left hand to show her wedding ring,  _"Mon coeur est à vous."_

"Because you loved me," Mel copied, displaying her wide wedding band and finishing their wedding vow.

_"Melanie... Je t'aime pour toujours et à jamais."_

"I love you forever and ever, too."

Kelly looked down at her watch, _"I better go now, babe. I'll call you again in a couple of days. À bientôt, ma femme."_

"I look forward to hearing or seeing you again, honey. See you soon and stay safe!" Mel blew a kiss. Her heavy heart returned as Kelly's face disappeared from the screen after the doctor had reciprocated the loving gesture.

Upon reentering the lounge room, Mel could see that Alan had an odd look on his face, as if he was trying to comprehend something or was overwhelmed at something, and a tear shining in his eye.

"What's wrong with him?" Mel sidled up next to Alex.

"Liv just asked him to be a special uncle to our daughter, like you, Kelly and Vanessa are being special aunts. We think from his reaction, he wasn't expecting to be asked... but for Olivia and I, asking Alan to be a special uncle is a given."

* * *

The brunette almost pounced on Alex as the blonde closed their bedroom door.

"You're... a little... frisky... tonight!" Alex managed to pant while Olivia kissed her with fervor.

Olivia began tugging Alex's shirt out from her suit pants while still claiming Alex's mouth, "You have... no idea... how horny... I am right now."

"I got... an inkling... when... you couldn't... keep your hand... off my knee... and thigh during... dinner."

"Nessa... and Alan... were oblivious... but I think... Mel suspected... something... when you dropped... one of... your chopsticks... for the... third time."

"Thank goodness... the dining... table wasn't... made of glass," quipped the ADA as Olivia's hand stroked over her abdomen, making it quiver and ripple. On cue, the sensual touch made Alex moan with desire.

"Alex... take your blouse... and bra off... so we can... make out... please."

"Safe words, Liv!... Safe words!"

"Safe words...  _wait_ ,  _yellow_ ,  _amber_...  _stop_ ,  _red_  and  _cease_... and we always... want to end... on a good note... Blouse and bra... off... now!"

Both women hastily shed themselves of their upper body garments and resumed their insatiable kisses and heavy petting. Alex avoided that sweet spot near Olivia's ear as she kissed a trail down the brunette's neck and chest before greedily pulling a dark nipple into her mouth, her hands resting on the small of Liv's back. The ADA teased with her tongue and gently tugged with her teeth before bestowing the same attention on the other nipple as Olivia's hand threaded through her long, blonde hair. Alex leisurely kissed her way back up to Olivia's mouth, her hands instinctively following upwards to rest on the scars on the older woman's scapulas. Instantly stiffening at the contact, Olivia ended their kiss then shifted uncomfortably, her raging libido beginning to quell at the thought of how and why those scars came to be on her shoulder blade.

Alex decided it was time to broach the subject, her hands returning to the neutral territory of the small of Olivia's back. "Tell me why you always stiffen when I touch them."

"I-I don't."

"You do. It's only ever those ones on your shoulder blades." Alex moved her hand higher to touch the question mark scars once more, "See! You just did it again."

"They're painful, alright!" hissed Olivia when Alex again touched them for a third time when she didn't answer immediately.

"Painful? You always say they don't hurt since they healed."

" _Emotionally_  painful, not physically!" Olivia tried to extract herself from Alex's embrace, however the blonde continued to hold her tenderly, but firmly.

"Liv, you told me Lewis did those burns  _because_  of me."

There was a long silence before Olivia spoke, "He did... not all of them, but a number of them."

"No, you took them  _for_  me. You said this one was to represent A-L-E-X," she drummed the tips of her fingers on the cigarette scars that were the question mark full stops. "I can see it as representing my name as Lewis Williams intended them to be... but I see it as representing L-O-V-E."

Olivia was incredulous but kept her voice low, "How can you see it as  _love_?"

"You willingly put your life on the line to save mine... to protect me with no regard to your own safety.  _That_  is what a person who loves someone does... that is what a  _hero_  does. A majority of people would say that sports stars, actors, actress and so-called 'celebrities' their heroes... Olivia Benson,  _you_  are  _my_  hero."

"No, don't-"

"Whether you like it or not,  _you are_. Vanessa too in that regard. You told Vanessa and all the rape victims you've talked to over the years to  _empower_  themselves. That they're not rape victims, but rape survivors. Olivia, empower  _yourself_ so when I touch those scars on your shoulder blades, I want you to remember not what _he_  did to  _you_... but what  _you_  did for  _me_.  _Forget_  what he did-"

"I  _can't_  forget!"

"-and start  _remembering_  what  _you_  did. So, what does those question marks represent _now_?"

"Alex," Olivia almost whined, trying to pull away but Alex just tightened her arms around Olivia even more.

"Wrong answer. What do they represent?"

Tears eventually flowed down Olivia cheeks, "L-O-V-E."

"Tell me!" prompted Alex, being mindful not to use the term  _'Say the words'_  like Lewis Williams had during Olivia's incarceration.

"Love."

"Tell me  _again_."

"Love."

"Tell  _me_  what those 4 question marks represent like you  _mean_  it."

" _Love_."

"Now tell  _yourself_  what they represent like you  _mean_  it."

" _Love_."

"Elaborate more."

"My love for you."

"Again."

"They represent my love for you."

"What  _don't_  they represent now?"

A sobbing Olivia looked directly at the blue eyes in front of her, as if she was looking directing into Alex's soul. "They don't represent what  _he_... what _Lewis Williams_  did to me... They represent my love for you... my commitment to you... what I will do to protect you."

"Turn around," encouraged the blonde. It took a few passing moments before Olivia complied with Alex's request. Alex snaked her right hand around Olivia's waist to gently caress the brunette's swollen stomach before she traced with her left index finger over each question mark scar on Olivia's left scapula. "From this moment forward, every time  _I_  touch these scars I want you to remember that those scars are  _your_  love for  _me..._ and every time  _I_  touch them, I want you to remember  _my_  love for  _you_."

"I love you, Alex."

"I love you too," Alex kissed the back of Olivia's neck, before pressing her naked breasts against Liv's back. The blonde moved her hand from the question mark scars to also rest on Olivia's stomach before Liv placed her own hands on top of Alex's. They remained locked in their embrace even as they both began to shiver in the cool November night, Olivia's tears still falling.

Even though sometimes Olivia felt like she was stumbling with her recovery, and at times even falling apart, especially after her all too real nightmares; she knew that by confronting the issues and insecurities that reared during the night head on, Alex Cabot was helping piece Olivia Benson back together.

**_(Turn around, bright eyes)_**  
**_Every now and then, I fall apart;_**  
**_(Turn around, bright eyes)_**  
**_Every now and then, I fall apart;_**  
**_And I need you now tonight,_**  
**_And I need you more than ever,_**  
**_And if you only hold me tight,_**  
**_We'll be holding on forever._  ~ Bonnie Tyler (Total Eclipse of the Heart)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The MSF information Kelly talked about regarding Typhoon Haiyan comes from the MSF articles on their website... msf dot org/article/typhoon-haiyan-msf-starts-treating-patients


	48. Chapter 48

**_You hear my voice, you hear that sound,_**  
**_Like thunder gonna shake the ground._**  
**_You held me down, but I got up (HEY!)_**  
**_Get ready 'cause I've had enough,_**  
**_I see it all, I see it now,_**  
**_I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire,_**  
**_'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar!_  ~ Katy Perry (Roar)**

"Good morn- Jesus,  _that's_  not something I get presented with each morning," Melanie spluttered upon entering the lounge room just as Alex shifted from Cobra to Downward Facing Dog pose. The Sheriff quickly moved around to sit on the couch on the left side of the ADA, "I should  _really_  convince Kel to start doing yoga when she gets back from the Philippines."

Alex struggled not to bark out a laugh as she held the yoga pose. She maintain her composure and breathing focus as best she could while moving into Lunge, "And good morning yourself, Mel!... I haven't done any yoga or pilates for a while... and seeing Olivia's still sleeping... because she didn't have any nightmares last night thankfully... I thought I might have been able to do... a little workout before breakfast."

"I thought the way Olivia couldn't keep her hands off you under the table last night..."

"No,  _that's_  still a way off yet... even though she was a little handsy." Alex shifted to Forward Fold, "We're taking small steps to get where we want to be... but it's all at Liv's pace... We've made out more in recent times than we ever have... so that's a new experience in our relationship... However, Liv did have a little bit of a breakdown last night."

"Oh no. I'm sorry."

"Don't be, because I'm not..." Alex arched back and inhaled, "That little breakdown also resulted... in a bit of a breakthrough... for us in her healing process."

"I guess that's a good thing then?"

"That's how I see it," Alex said before returning to Mountain pose, then letting her arms fall to her sides. "I don't know about you, but I could do with a coffee now after all that Sun Salutation."

"I love the way you think!" Mel followed Alex towards the kitchen, "Have you been up all night?"

"No. I woke up about an hour ago and watched Olivia sleep for while then came out here to do yoga about 30 minutes ago," the ADA replied, keeping to herself that Liv had said a few mumbled words in her sleep for the first time that weren't whimpered in fear, or screamed in terror in her usual nightmarish lucid state. Only Alex would know that Olivia had mumbled a declaration of love for the blonde as Liv unconsciously fondled Alex's breast. "Why?"

Melanie indicated the dining table currently scattered with various pieces of papers, pamphlets and an opened manila folder. Alex gathered the papers before rearranging them into an obviously known order, then did the same with the pamphlets before putting them inside the folder and closing it, an NYPD seal clearly visible on the front of the folder.

"You know... Olivia was looking at that folder the first night I stay here... you were called out during the night," Mel stated as she prepared the coffee machine.

Alex nodded, picking up the folder and hugging it close to her body. "I know she's been looking through it, don't worry about it. She's only left it on the coffee table twice, and on the desk about half a dozen times. I put it back in the drawer for her in the exact order she always keeps it in and let her believe she's returned it herself, because I know she doesn't want me knowing that she's looking through it. Whether she's forgetting to put the Sergeants exam folder back in the desk drawer through lack of sleep or if she's got 'baby brain'-"

"Sergeants exam? I thought Olivia was quitting her job at SVU?"

The ADA gave a small shrug, "Liv also has all of her rape crisis counselling pamphlets, booklets and information in there too. She thinks I'm utterly unaware that she gets up some nights and stays in the office, or the lounge, or at the dining table for about an hour or so to look through all of it. Sometimes it's after her nightmares, and sometimes it's after her supposedly non-existent cravings hit her with a vengeance. I know Olivia says she's quitting, but I think she's undecided on what to do. Some nights I've seen her timing herself while studying the images for recall and delegation of a mock situation. A couple of times I've observed her writing nonstop to show her communication and organisation skills. I've also seen her reading and rereading the rape crisis counselling booklets and pamphlets while completely ignoring the mock Sergeants exams altogether."

"You haven't talked to her about her decision on her job?"

"There's nothing I can say that I haven't already told her. It's  _her_  decision to make, and when she makes it... whatever decision she  _does_  makes... I'll support her unconditionally. All I know is that Liv has to make her decision by December 2nd because that's when the Sergeants exam is." Alex indicated the folder, "I'd better put it back before Olivia wakes up."

Mel was cracking several eggs in a bowl when Alex returned, "Seeing I only have a few days left here in New York, and with Thanksgiving, the Holidays and New Year not too far away now... I know Olivia won't be able to fly with the possibility she could give birth early, also with Kelly being away until May... would you like me to come back down and visit after New Year?"

"Are you sure you can?"

Melanie began beating the eggs, "Yeah. I mean, I won't be on my cruise. Brad and Heather can change the dates so it's more towards their wedding anniversary if they want... And it might be a while before I get to see you and Olivia again after your daughter is born, because I know it's a big learning curve for new parents... learning different cries, lack of sleep, setting new routines. Otherwise it might be after Kel returns from the Philippines in May before we get to see each other again. Besides, I'm the Sheriff,  _I_  can take time off when  _I_  want."

"I think coming back to New York in the new year would be a lovely idea. We'll work something out during our weekly catchups and I'll arrange it so I get the week off work this time. I'm really sorry I've had to work while you've been here in New York."

"It's fine. I'm really sorry Kelly decided to go and rejoin MSF without any warning. She  _will_  make it up to everyone when she gets back."

"Like you said, it's fine. So, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?"

"It was supposed to be mine and Kelly's turn to host Thanksgiving this year with Brad, Heather, the kids and Dad all coming over to the house. So I guess it'll be back to Brad and Heather's house yet again and Kel and I will make for it next year. Hmm... I'll ask Alan to join us for Thanksgiving seeing there'll be plenty of food to go around. He might even want to help with the cooking. What are you and Olivia doing?"

"Olivia and I will be having lunch at the Stabler's house in Queens, then a small Thanksgiving dinner with Rafael, Joe and his mother, Gloria, at Rafael's apartment."

While Mel crumbled some feta, she noticed Alex looking studying the list of baby names, "Any hints?"

Alex looked back over her shoulder to make sure Olivia wasn't lurking before she pointed to a name on her side of the list, "Please don't tell Liv I've told you what my final choice is."

"Nice choice!" Mel winked, "Your secret is safe with me."

The shaggy pixie cut blonde certainly wasn't going to tell Alex that she had already asked Olivia the same question while they prepared another plate of sandwiches during the early hours of that first morning, and was already aware of Olivia's name choice for baby Brianna. Now the Winthrop Sheriff was the only one that knew for certain what Brianna's first name would be, and would keep it secret.

She would keep Alex knowing that Olivia was looking at the Sergeants exam secret.

She would keep Olivia buying Alex's engagement ring secret.

She would keep Alan's gifts for Vanessa's birthday and Christmas secret.

And she would keep the 2 other awards that Alan was to receive, as well as his Combat Cross, secret... even though she had already told Olivia what they were. But she knew Olivia certainly wasn't going to say anything to Alan about them.

Alex and Melanie were finishing off their scrambled egg, feta, spinach and bacon breakfast burritos in the lounge when Olivia scurried past them to the dining table. The brunette stopped in her tracks at seeing a cleared table before noticing both blondes looking at her in curiosity.

"I didn't leave..." Olivia trailed off.

"Leave... what? What are you looking for, Liv?" Alex prompted as popped the last mouthful of the burrito in her mouth.

"My..." Olivia stopped and chose her next words carefully, "... dirty dishes? I-I had a little snack in the early hours of the morning... I was  _sure_  I left the  _dishes_  on the table. I know you don't like anything being left messy."

Alex shrugged, "Nope. You must've put them away in the dishwasher after you finished with them."

"Yeah, I must have put them away." Liv muttered, not sounding completely convinced.

Alex watched Olivia retreat down the hall, "Where are you going?"

Olivia called back over her shoulder, "Bathroom!"

Mel whispered to Alex, "She's heading for the office, isn't she?"

"Yep," confirmed the ADA.

"I think you should resume your yoga before Liv gets back," Melanie waggled her eyebrows as she took Alex's plate from her hand.

"You think?"

"Oh  _yeah_. You do that...  _thing_... while I go and make Olivia her breakfast burrito. It'll make Olivia  _really_  forget about leaving her folder on the table."

With Mel in the kitchen, Alex skipped the beginnings of Sun Salutation, moving directly to Cobra then once again to Downward Facing Dog pose. She held the position as the brunette reentered the lounge room from the hall, Liv's choking gasp quite audible.

"Geez, Alex! Warn a woman when you're going to be doing  _that_!"

* * *

Alex exited the 16th Precinct, spying the black Mustang and the 2 women waiting a little further down on the opposite side of the street. They were on their way to the Whitney Museum of American Art for the last opportunity to see the Plein Air Painters exhibit before it finally closed forever on Sunday night, and would be meeting Vanessa and Alan at the restaurant within the art gallery. She gave Olivia and Melanie a brief acknowledging wave before adjusting her cream peacoat and walking down the sidewalk.

The door to the flew open and Nick Amaro ran after the ADA, "Cabot! He's good for it! I know he is!"

The blonde continued walking, "I don't doubt he is, Nick! But I can't do anything right now because having a  _hunch_  that he's good for it is just a little different when there's no  _evidence_  of him doing it."

"Can't you... I don't know... call in a favour from Donnelly or someone?"

"A  _favour_?! Do you think Judge Donnelly's my fairy godmother or something?"

"I thought-"

"Or should I call in this  _favour_  because Judge Donnelly was the Bureau Chief of SVU at one time? Hmm? I wouldn't waste  _my_  time or  _hers_  trying to get a warrant with what you have right now. You know the drill: find some probable cause, or hearsay evidence against Mr López and I'll get you a warrant. Right now, I'm out for the evening. Goodnight, Detective."

"But-"

"Do your  _job_  and find what you need, Amaro! Call me when you've got some... I'll even deliver the warrant to you on a silver platter if you'd prefer!" Alex retorted, her sarcasm evident.

"I bet you'd get the warrant if  _Liv_  was the one asking for it!" Aramo snarked bitterly.

Olivia saw the subtle change on Alex's face as she abruptly stopped in her tracks before whirling around and stalking back, "Detective Amaro, if  _Detective Benson_  was asking me to secure a warrant like  _you_ are, I'd tell her the same damn thing I'm telling  _you_ : DO YOUR GODDAMN JOB AND FIND SOME  _FUCKING_ EVIDENCE!"

"Shit! I thought  _I_  could get angry!" Mel whispered out the side of her mouth.

"I've seen her angrier," Olivia replied quietly with a hint of pride, remembering Alex blowing up in the squad room during the Sam Cavanaugh case.

Nick implored, "DAMNIT, CABOT! CAN'T YOU JUST-"

Alex cut him off and let fly, "NO, I CAN'T  _'JUST'_  DO ANYTHING, AMARO! AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF SAYING THAT I'M OUT OF LINE, BECAUSE I'M  _NOT_! I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO IN  _MY_  JOB AS AN ASSISTANT DISTRICT ATTORNEY, I'VE BEEN DOING IT  _LONG_  ENOUGH! I WOULD'VE THOUGHT  _YOU_  BEING A SECOND GRADE DETECTIVE WOULD FATHOM HOW TO DO  _YOUR_  JOB TOO... SO WHY DON'T YOU  _FUCKING_ START DOING IT! I CAN'T DO  _MY_  JOB TO PUT THESE BASTARDS AWAY UNLESS  _YOU_  PUT SOME EFFORT IN AND DO YOUR JOB AS WELL! AND NEWSFLASH:  _DETECTIVE BENSON_  WOULDN'T BE ASKING ME BECAUSE SHE'D KNOW WHAT  _PROBABLE CAUSE_  OR  _HEARSAY EVIDENCE_  WOULD BE REQUIRED BEFORE EVEN  _CONTEMPLATING_  APPROACHING MYSELF OR BARBA FOR A SEARCH WARRANT! SO STOP BEING SO  _FUCKING_  LAZY AND DO YOUR JOB,  _DETECTIVE_!"

While Alex was letting Nick have it with both barrels, Olivia and Melanie hastily crossed the street and John Munch had exited the 1-6 and approached.

John rested his hand on Amaro's shoulder as soon as Alex stopped, "Nick, what's your problem? Cabot told you in the squad room she couldn't do anything. You think badgering her is going to get you a warrant?"

"I just..." Nick rubbed his face with his hand in frustration, "I want to get this sick bastard, Munch!"

"I do too! We  _all_  do!"

"And Cabot's..." Amaro stopped and sighed in defeat upon seeing Olivia and Mel ready to tear him to shreds like Alex just had.

"Doing her job. So let's go do  _ours_." Munch firmly pressed the keys to the Crown Vic into Nick's hand, "Now, go and bring the car around for me, so we can get what Alex needs. I'm not as young as I used to be."

Nick just stood there, his eyes moving from Alex to Olivia, then Melanie before returning to Olivia. He opened his mouth to say something to the brunette but was nudged by the elder SVU member.

"What are you waiting for Amaro? The valet parking attendant? Go, car, now!" John prompted. As Amaro departed, John turned his attention to the brunette and beamed widely. "It's been  _too_  long, Liv."

"I know, John. I know," Olivia nodded, blinking away the tears suddenly threatening to fall before fiercely embracing the tall, lanky man. She had much respect for the seasoned NYPD Sergeant who she hadn't seen since before she had been kidnapped. Liv knew this wasn't only just a 'good to see you again' hug, but also John's unspoken apology for not getting to her in time before Lewis took her, and for not being able to save Brian as well.

John spoke after they ended their hug, "Alex tells me that you're having my love child!"

"Yeah, I'm pregnant with a  _Munchkin_!" Liv rested one hand on her stomach, the other slipping into Alex's hand.

"I'll hold off on the  _Mazal Tov_  to the both you lovely ladies until after your daughter is born. Instead:  _B'sha'ah Tovah_!"

"What's that mean?"

"It literally means 'at a good hour'. It's a Jewish prayer that your daughter will be born when  _she's_  ready. Now..." John turned his attention to Melanie while still addressing Olivia, "Are you going to introduce your  _beautiful_  friend?"

"Sergeant John Munch, this is Sheriff Melanie Leonard from the Winthrop Sheriff's Department, Maine."

John shook Melanie's hand, "Ah! Your rescuer from the state that gives us mouth watering lobsters... oversized kitty cats... and the highest population percentage of French ancestry in the country.  _Enchanté._ "

Alex bit the inside of her cheek while Liv rolled her eyes and snorted, "Munch, don't waste your breath trying to find out if Mel could be the potential 6th Mrs Munch."

Munch clutched his heart, "Olivia, I'm offended!"

"I've known you  _too_  long," rebutted the brunette.

"I'm just showing the lovely Sheriff how  _charming_  I can be."

Alex explained, "John, Mel's already married... and even if she wasn't, you have the  _wrong_  genitalia."

"Point taken.  _Je m'excuse_ ," John apologised.

"Apology accepted.  _Et ma femme parle couramment le Français,_ " replied the shaggy blonde.

"Obviously I'm right out of my depth now. I could understand 'wife' and 'French', but..."

Mel smiled at Munch's admission, "I said 'My wife is fluent in French'. My wife, Kelly, she grew up in a bilingual household. I learnt French from an early age at grade school seeing we're so close to Québec, and as you pointed out about French ancestry population in the state. Also, a family acquaintance started _L'Ecole Française du Maine,_  the only French immersion school north of Boston. It was originally based in Winthrop before it relocated to its current location of Freeport."

"Looks like you're fluent in French yourself, Sheriff."

"More proficient than fluent, Sergeant. Kelly likes to remind me through her lighthearted teasing that when  _I_  speak French, my Maine accent butchers it... so I don't speak it too often in her presence. By the way, you also forgot in your spiel about Maine the obligatory mentions of moose, blueberry pie and the carbonated beverage known as  _Moxie_." Mel teased.

"I didn't want to overdo it too much," John laughed as the Crown Vic pulled up along side them all. The SVU Sergeant turned his attention to the ADA, "We'll get you what you need, Alex."

"I'm sure you will, John. I'll have my phone with me, otherwise you'll find us at the Whitney if you can't get hold of me."

"Lovely to have met you, Sheriff Leonard... and thankyou for returning a very special woman to all of our lives. Liv... I'm glad you finally told Alex that you loved her with your voice and not your goo-goo eyes."

"Me too," Olivia replied before looking at Alex lovingly.

All 3 women watched Munch enter the Crown Vic before it sped quickly away along W 45th Street as soon as the passenger door was closed.

"So what was all that about with Nick?" Olivia questioned.

"Apart from every single one of us being pissed that Rafael and I both lost in court today? It's exactly what it was... Amaro wants a warrant and I can't give it to him. Let's get now."

"Nick must have-" Whatever Olivia was going to say was halted when Alex's lips capturing hers in a soft, lingering kiss.

Alex spoke quietly when they ended their kiss, "Liv, I don't want to talk about work when I can be looking at beautiful art and eating great food with the company of wonderful friends, and sharing it all with my breathtaking girlfriend."

* * *

Vanessa, Alan and Melanie were all currently admiring different Winslow Homer paintings all on loan from various art galleries around the world within the Whitney after their dinner in the restaurant. The red head and the rookie were studying  _'Sunlight on the Coast'_  and _'Weatherbeaten'_ , both painting side by side, showing off the wild and unforgiving weather of Prouts Neck, Maine. Alan was relaying to Vanessa that he could vaguely remember going to that location in Scarborough with his mother before she died. Mel, on the other hand, was wistfully admiring  _'A Summer Night'_ , mentally inserting herself and Kelly in place of the 2 dancing women near the water's edge in the moonlight.

Hand in hand, Olivia and Alex wandered to the seating at the back wall of the gallery and sat down.

"This seems somewhat familiar to me, Alex."

The blonde couldn't help but smile, "6 months ago we were here... right  _here_."

"Has it been that long already?"

"Uh-huh. That night, you said you wanted to be happy. You said wanted to see me... start a relationship... and then we kissed."

"You kissed me," corrected Olivia. "Thankyou for kissing me."

"So, do I make you happy?"

"I know we didn't get off to a great start in our relationship seeing I was taken, but you have  _no_  idea how much you make me happy..." Olivia took their interlocked fingers and placed them on her stomach, "...how much you make  _us_  happy."

"You and our daughter... whatever her first name will be... make me both happy too." Alex replied, her eyes scanning the gallery. "Another thing we talked about that night was our personal canvas. Is your personal canvas still like a Jackson Pollock?"

"I think my canvas went from a Jackson Pollock to be completely black at one stage, but now it's morphing to be like yours was... entirely grey except for a small circle in the middle. I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel," Olivia whispered before her eyes darted down to Alex's parted lips. "Is it wrong to want to kiss you right now?"

"No. It's just that last time there was noone around. This time... Vanessa, Alan and Mel are here, as are all those other people up the far end near the Eugene von Guérard paintings on loan from the National Gallery of Victoria, Australia. I know neither of us are ones for gratuitous public displays of affection in front of an audience like we would have right now."

"If it was only just Nessa, Alan and Mel here right now, I'd kiss you."

"I would hope you would because I'd most definitely kiss you."

"You'll have to suffice with this then," Olivia raised their entwined fingers and chastely pecked the back of Alex's hand. They openly studied each other's face before they fixed their attention to each others eyes, a silent conversation passing between them. Each telling the other how much they were loved without any words needing to be spoken. The spell was broken by the sound of someone discreetly clearing their throat a few feet away from them.

"Alex and Liv... I apologise to have to disturb you both, but can I borrow ADA Cabot for a few moments?" John Munch asked quietly.

Olivia nodded, watching the professional mask slip into place as Alex reluctantly let Olivia's hand go.

"Couldn't you get me on my cell phone?" Alex stood up and began digging in her small purse, hoping the battery hadn't died once again.

"Actually our inquiries led us to be in the vicinity, so we thought it would be easier to talk to you directly."

As John and Alex walked some distance away for some privacy, Olivia observed Nick Amaro hanging back near the entrance of the Plein Air exhibit, scanning the open expanse. Nick looked away when Mel looked in his direction, looking as though he wanted to be anywhere but where he was right now. When Alex raised her smart phone to her ear and addressed Judge Donnelly, Olivia and Nick eventually made eye contact across the gallery. However, neither made any effort to approach the other to try and clear the dark cloud currently hanging between them. Neither of them knew that would occur on Monday evening when Olivia would pick Alex up from the 16th Precinct for their planned romantic dinner at the little Italian restaurant.

Nor did anyone know that something else would happen that evening that would help Olivia Benson decide if she would return to Manhattan SVU, or if she would walk away from the NYPD forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will be saying goodbye to our Winthrop workers for a few chapters in the next chapter. We'll see them again when Vanessa returns for the award ceremony. I know I could keep Mel and Alan in New York and Hackensack a lot longer, but I need to keep moving the story along if we want certain things (ie: proposal/birth, Kelly's return etc) to happen ;-)


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the huge Alex/Olivia interaction in the beginning of this chapter seeing this is the chapter that Mel and Alan return to Winthrop, but I'm not sorry for what takes place :-). I promise we will see Winthrop workers again in just a few chapters when Vanessa returns for the award ceremony.

**_We found love,_**  
**_So don't fight it._**  
**_Life is a rollercoaster,_**  
**_Just gotta ride it._**  
**_I need you,_**  
**_So stop hiding._**  
**_Our love is a mystery,_**  
**_Girl, let's get beside it._ ~ Ronan Keating (Life Is A Rollercoaster)**

Quietly closing the master bedroom door, Alex toed off her Jimmy Choo pointed toe pumps near the end of the bed. She observed Olivia sitting on the edge of the bedroom stool, painting her now dark blue toenails with a clear topcoat that matched her freshly lacquered fingernails, a set of pink love heart toe separators in place. Liv placed the cap back on the nail polish, walked the few steps over to her side of the bed before shifting 90°, extending her sweatpant clad legs out in front of her while remaining in a upright position against the pillows and bed headboard.

"I was going to do that for you," said Alex as she sat down on the edge of Olivia's side of their bed.

"It's alright. I had nothing else to do seeing the only TV shows on were those crappy reality shows I despise so much. There's only so many times you can watch different people sing, dance, cook, model, receive makeovers and get kicked off islands or out of houses before it gets repetitive. Besides, I have my own interactive reality show happening in my belly right now, and you'll have to do my toes for me when I get even bigger."

"She being a little boisterous right now?"

"Just a tad. She kicked me in the left rib just after you left. Let me tell you, that's not a barrel of laughs. But she's shifted position now thank goodness and is kicking a little lower."

"I'm really sorry I had to leave so abruptly like I did."

"Alex, I understand the job, so you don't need to apologise. Anyway, we all left the Whitney only a short time later when Mel started getting a flurry of texts from Kelly. Mel said it was because the Doc had some down time before her next shift started, but I have a suspicion that Kel might have been sending the Sheriff some sexually explicit messages."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because no matter how hard she tried to show no emotion, Mel seemed very... flustered... after reading each message she received." Olivia rested her left hand on her stomach, her right interlacing with Alex's hand, "So... did the warrant help?"

"Oh yeah. I shouldn't be telling you any of this, but Mr López is currently sitting in Rikers for not only the repeated sexual assault of his soon to be ex-wife, who have been battling each other with a bitter divorce for the past year and each party fighting for sole custody of their 2 daughters proceedings, but also the sexual misconduct of both of their pet dogs."

Olivia's face contorted in utter disgust, "He raped the  _dogs_  as well as his  _wife_?! That's just  _sick_!"

Alex's eyes hidden behind her black frames reflected that same disgust but her voice remained impassive, "All assaults were captured on the forgotten motion activated nanny cam hidden in the clock while off his face on crystal meth over a 24 hour time frame just under a week ago. Wife first, then the dogs several hours later. Whilst bestiality or zoophilia is only classed as a misdemeanor in New York, sexual misconduct with an animal charges have been laid against Mr López for the assaults on both dogs. Maximum of 10 years in prison and $1000 fine for each misdemeanor. I'm not sure how long those charges will be kept quiet in Rikers until his arraignment though. You know how the guards like to let little tidbits like  _that_  be known to the other inmates."

"No wonder Amaro wanted to get him so much."

"Mr López's alibi seemed credible... too credible for our liking... that was until Amaro and Munch had a little chat with Mr López's recently fired nanny slash housekeeper slash personal assistant after they left the precinct. We didn't know about the dogs until after Nick and John found the nanny cam. Not to make light of what he did to his wife whatsoever, but we're just thankful that the children were staying with their maternal grandparents at the time otherwise there may well have been more charges against him."

Alex broke the lingering silence, "I know I said I didn't want to talk about it earlier, but have to say you didn't react the way I thought you were going to when Nick started yelling at me outside the precinct."

"Believe me when I say I was going to if you hadn't ripped into him like you did. Mel was certainly in awe of your oratory skills, and truth be told... I got a little turned on when ADA Cabot tore him to shreds. It's been a while since I've seen  _her_."

"You see me everyday, Liv."

"I see  _Alex Cabot_  everyday, and I cherish every moment I'm able to share with you. I haven't seen  _ADA Cabot_  in 6 months... she was still with Homicide when I last saw her commanding a court room."

"Saw me? More like  _ogled_  me!"

"I wasn't  _ogling_ you that afternoon. I was very focused-"

"On my  _ass_!"

"Your ass  _may_  have been observed on occasion during that afternoon, and various court proceedings previous to that particular day. The same ass which you proudly  _displayed_  this morning while doing yoga! Or should I say  _presented_?"

Olivia's heart soared when Alex threw back her head and laughed heartily at the memory, the ADA's mouth opened wide and teeth on display. The brunette loved it when Alex laughed like that. It was as if the blonde only ever laughed like that just for her in their own private company.

"Soo... you got a little turned on when I tore Nick a new one. Did you get turned on when you ogled my ass this morning?"

"You have no idea how much. That very image of you bent over like that was seared into my mind, and still is. After you left for work, I took longer in the bathroom than I usually do. A  _lot_  longer."

Alex couldn't help give a cheeky smile, "Did you?"

Olivia tried not to blush, "The pulse setting on the hand held shower head got a good workout and resulted in the most wonderful orgasm I've had since I started following Margo's advice."

"That's great!"

"I guess," shrugged Olivia, not sounding very convinced.

"What do you mean you  _guess_?"

"I still haven't had the courage to even attempt penetrating myself. If I can't do it myself, how am I supposed to move forward and let you try? If I just knew..."

"Liv, it's not even been 2 months since you were found. These things take time! While I suspect... no, let me rephrase, while I know we both  _want_ to jump each others bones, I don't expect us to even try until you're 100% ready. And we move forward like we have been with taking those little steps: making out like we have been, remove items of clothing when  _you're_  ready. If you hadn't noticed, I really enjoy making with you."

"I really enjoy it too. Maybe I might choose take another step in the very near future and have us make out in bra and panties... I might even be able to sneak a tiny peek at that little peace sign tattoo of yours on your right hip."

"Maybe, maybe not!" Alex teased, not wanting to spoil the surprise Olivia would get when she discovered the additional body art low on her left hip. She continued, "Also, I think you  _wanting_  and  _having_ orgasms by your own hand is a step in itself, no matter how weak or intense they are, or have been."

"I think it's because I know it's water from the shower head, and that it's  _my_  hand. But I imagined it's you holding the shower head, and your fingers when I have masturbated."

"Same for me," Alex leant closer and whispered in Olivia's ear, "That shower head has been held by Olivia Benson more times than you've ever actually held it, Liv."

The frank admission made the temperature in the room of both women rise several degrees. Both women raked their eyes over the other's body and cleavage, drinking in each other's undeniable beauty.

"I'm not ready to take that next step just yet, but ahh... you want to make out like we have been doing?" asked Olivia before giving a lop sided smile.

Alex's eyes gave Olivia's body another once over, "Once you've removed those toe separators, yes."

Liv looked down over her belly at her feet and wiggled her toes, "Sweatpants, a long sleeve t-shirt and toe separators not sexy enough for you?"

"Trust me when I say you're plenty sexy, Olivia. I was thinking more about practicality," Alex replied before plucking the pink foam from between Liv's toes.

After running though their mutually agreed upon ritual of safe words and always ending on a positive, Olivia shifted to the middle of their bed, her legs still extended out in front of her. Alex slipped off her jacket, climbed over and straddled Liv's thighs and hips, but keeping most of her weight on her own business pant suit covered knees. Delicately cradling Olivia's face in both her hands, Alex's lips descended on Olivia's as the brunette's nimble fingers made short work of the tiny buttons holding the ivory blouse closed. Alex reluctantly broke the kiss to removed her blouse when it gathered and bunched at her elbows after Liv pushed it down off her shoulder, also making short work of her own balconette bra. When the ADA turned her attention back to Olivia, Liv raised her arms above her head to allow Alex to remove the long sleeve t-shirt and bandeau bra covering the brunette's upper body.

Alex couldn't help but immediately zero in on Olivia's luscious breasts. They were definitely getting fuller, and her nipples and areolas were a shade or so darker than their normal hue. Even though Olivia's olive tanned skin was marred with merciless, barbaric scars, it glowed. Couple that with her gradually swelling stomach, one thing Alex knew for certain: pregnancy definitely suited Olivia. She became lost in a haze of arousal as Olivia's mouth sealed around her right nipple, tonguing the little pink bud as Olivia's hands and fingers drew random patterns on Alex's erogenous abdomen, causing her to moan. Alex's own hands snaked around to Olivia's lower back to hold the brunette closer, her eyes involuntarily closing to revel in the intimacy being shared and bestowed. The blonde didn't know how much time had passed before Olivia began to lavish the same attention to her left nipple.

" _Wait!_ "

Alex's eyes immediately opened, her hands pausing where they were on Olivia's scapulas, mere millimeters from touching the question mark and shield scars as Liv began to relax.

Seeing the look of concern Alex was giving her, Olivia quietly explained the use of one of her safe words after exhaling a shaky breath. "I know what you said to me about those scars last night... what they represent  _now_. It just might take me a little while not to react like I have been to you start touching them, that's why I said ' _wait_ '. I don't want us to stop what we're doing right now, but I need to take a moment to remind myself of what you said."

Nodding in understanding, Alex watched while Olivia repeated words in a silent mantra, her brown eyes nearly closed in concentration. The ADA could effortlessly lip read what Liv was convincing, reminding herself.

_'They mean love... they mean love... they mean love... they mean love...'_

Several long moments passed before Olivia took a steady, calming breath then opened her eyes and smiled. "I'm alright now."

Alex still wasn't totally convinced, "You sure?"

"Positive," Liv reassured. "Actually... I want you to touch them."

Having unconsciously moved her hands a little lower while Olivia had been repeating her mantra, Alex slowly shifted the tips of her fingers of her right hand from a lower cut line scar on Olivia's back. Moving her hand upwards on Olivia left scapula while maintaining eye contact with the brunette, Alex's fingertips settled on each of the 4 question mark full stops that scarred Liv's shoulder blade in a row. Alex kept them there as her left hand inched higher to brush over the raised and gnarled, yet soft skin that was the shield burn. She swept her fingertips over the lower rectangle, feeling the 4-0-1-5 branded on Olivia's skin. She heard a tiny hitch in Olivia's breath as she circled counter clockwise around the medallion scar, silently but consciously counting the small points that made up the Detective shield of the NYPD.

9 in total.

Alex covered the large branding burn with her palm before covering the 4 question marks with her other palm and fingers resulting in a small, sincere smile from Olivia.

"I love you," the blonde murmured.

"I know you do," replied Olivia before kissing Alex gently. "I love you too... we both love you."

Automatically, Alex's eyes looked down at the swollen stomach between them. She didn't know she could love someone as much as she did that she had yet to meet, but she loved baby Brianna with every fibre of her being. Alex knew she would fall in love even more with their daughter the moment she would lay eyes on her. She wanted nothing more than to meet the little girl growing inside of Olivia, but knew the longer their daughter would stay inside of Liv, the more time she had to grow. And even though she wasn't religious, she silently prayed to whichever deity would listen to her right now, that Olivia would carry to full term. Alex moved her hand from covering the question mark scars to caress Olivia's stomach.

"The baby just moved," Alex gasped in awe.

"I'm well aware. I said she was being a tad boisterous earlier."

"N-no, I-I mean... I just  _saw_  the baby move. I  _saw_! I've only really felt her so far, but... I saw that!"

"I'm fairly sure it was her foot. You want to see some more movement from her?"

"Of course!"

"Just poke her," Olivia replied nonchalantly.

Alex gave her an incredulous look, " _Poke her_?! I'm not poking our daughter!"

Olivia couldn't help but grin, "Trust me! Me and her... we've been doing this a lot while you're at work."

"You're  _poking_  her?!"

"Sweetheart, she's in a sac filled with amniotic fluid inside my uterus, it's not hurting her! Just, let me show you..." Liv guided Alex's hand to the spot on the left side of her stomach, pressing 2 of Alex's fingers gently yet firmly against her skin before moving them away. A few moments passed before their daughter responded with a visible movement. The brunette repeated the ritual again, and their daughter responded in kind.

"Like I said, my very own interactive reality show. Now, your turn!" Olivia encouraged.

Alex pressed her fingers on Olivia's stomach and as if on cue, there was movement from their daughter in response. This pattern continued for several more times until...

"OWW!" Liv grimaced.

"What?!" Alex panicked.

Olivia coughed lightly, "Kicked in the rib again."

"Then I think that's a good time to stop  _poking_  her. And you, little one..." Alex leant closer to the baby bump, "Don't hurt Mommy too much."

"After what Lewis did to me...  _this_  pain, getting kicked in the ribs by our daughter... it's worth it," Olivia said, her voice cracking. She discreetly cleared her throat before continuing, "Now Mama... you want to continue what we started a little earlier?"

Alex response to the question was to place one of Olivia's hands back on her small, pale breast before kissing the brunette.

* * *

Saturday had been set aside for a morning visit to the American Museum of Natural History and an afternoon rest for Olivia, before seeing  _Kinky Boots_  with Vanessa, Alan, Doom, Rafael and Amanda that night. Vanessa was concerned that Amanda would hate her for defending Lewis Williams, and Amanda was concerned that Vanessa would hate her for pursuing Lewis Williams; each being worried that their actions directly contributed to Olivia's kidnapping. But each woman needn't have been concerned as they profusely apologised to the other after Olivia took it upon herself to voice and put to rest what she knew Vanessa and Amanda would be thinking.

During dinner before the show, Amanda had told Olivia that she had sold her old furniture and the money had been used to purchase a $350 gift certificate at a baby store. It was Rollins' way of saying thankyou to Liv for allowing her to live in Olivia's fully furnished apartment, and to Alex for her Uncle Bill's generosity to pay for her time in Bellevue. It was also Amanda's way to make up for not being able to contribute as much as she wanted to at the time to the gifts the SVU squad had chipped in for. Vanessa felt a flash of jealousy when Amanda seemingly began to show interest in Alan, asking about his time at the academy and what it was like to be the 'new guy'. A look from Olivia reassured the red head that the blonde SVU Detective wasn't interested in the Winthrop rookie in that sense. She remembered that Liv had said on more than one occasion during their time in the cabin that she had a niggling feeling her co-workers Rollins and Amaro were ' _something_ ' brewing. Vanessa felt that green eyed monster dissipate when Alan interlaced his fingers with hers under the table and gently squeezed in reassurance while he talked to Amanda.

They may have been adamant they were ' _just friends_ ', but the red head and the rookie knew they were definitely only each others ' _just friends_ '.

Each night since seeing  _Wicked_ , Vanessa had climbed into Alan's bed on the fold out around 3 in the morning after a nightmare, and each time the curly haired young man just held her like he had the first time. His arms around her securely, her head on his chest, the heart shaped rock in her grasp pressed over his heart, and a soft kiss to her forehead. Both would just lay there quietly, content in each others arms, until sleep reclaimed them. If Vanessa had been held like this with her old boyfriend, eventually his hands would have been all over her... just like Lewis Williams... but Alan's hands remained exactly where he placed them.

* * *

"Liv, how far are you along now?" Mel asked before taking a bite of her blueberry bagel.

Olivia instinctively looked down at her left wrist, but she was still yet to put her Breitling watch back on, before looking up at the calendar on the kitchen wall. "It's November 17th, so I'm... 28 weeks pregnant today."

"28 weeks? That's the beginning of your 3rd trimester."

"That's right," Liv nodded before shovelling a spoonful of mixed berries into her mouth.

Mel quirked an eyebrow in surprise, "And all you have are those few pieces of furniture and those gift baskets in the spare room?"

"Yes?" Alex wondered where Mel was heading with these questions.

"You need  _more_  stuff than that."

Olivia replied, "We've got plenty of time! I'm not due until-"

"Doesn't matter what time you're due. You've got Thanksgiving, the Holidays and New Year looming. That doesn't give you much time to get stuff if you deliver early. This is my last full day here before I fly back to Maine tomorrow, and you've got that gift certificate of Amanda's to use... so let's go shopping."

"I hate shopping!" groaned the brunette. "Alex is the one that loves shopping."

"As long as it's not grocery shopping!  _That_  shopping I hate," the ADA corrected.

"Liv, you're going to be a Mommy soon. You have to do  _Mommy_ -things like baby shopping."

"Are  _you_  sure? I mean..."

"Trust me, I have no problem doing baby shopping. If I was uncomfortable, I wouldn't be suggesting it."

* * *

Melanie looked down at the list printed off from a baby website, "So that's the diaper pail sorted. What about diapers themselves? Disposable or cloth?"

"Cloth diapers," Olivia said without hesitation.

Alex asked, "You want to cloth diaper?"

"I know we haven't talked about it, but I've been doing research on different baby things to keep myself occupied while you've been at work and in between my therapy session and I want to cloth diaper. Maybe we can use disposables for the first few days until the meconium stops, but I really want to use cloth diapers after that. It'll only be a few of extra loads of laundry a week if we get pre-folds and diaper covers, or we can use a diaper service. Besides, the diapers aren't like the towelling squares we grew up with that you have to fold like origami paper, and you don't have to use those huge safety pins either. They have velcro hooks and loops, or have snaps these days and the covers can grow with the baby! And look at all the different colours and patterns on the covers!... Basic plain colours, as well as polka dots, flowers, ladybugs, owls, cow print, gingham, plaid, starry... or an adorable ruffle butt!" Olivia pointed to the ruffled diaper cover on the rack.

"Oh my goodness!" Alex's eyes widened.

"What?" Olivia and Melanie said in unison.

Alex turned to Mel, "Liv's just become one of those clucky moms-to-be that she didn't want to be around in the birthing classes!"

"No,  _I haven't_!" Liv retorted.

Mel looked Olivia up and down before turning her attention back to Alex, "You're right. Even though Doctor Leonard's not here, as her wife I safely can say Olivia's clearly displaying all the symptoms of the highly contagious  _sucré bébé_. Everything to do with the baby is  _adorable_ , and her voice got all syrupy and gooey when she pointed to that ruffle diaper cover. A classic case sweet baby overload. I've seen it 6 times with Heather, and Kelly and I both suffered it when she was pregnant."

Both blondes couldn't help but start laughing at the disbelieving face the brunette was making.

"I have  _not_!" Liv folded her arms defensively, resulting in Alex and Melanie laughing even more. She knew it was a blatant lie though. "Alright, I'm  _pregnant_! I'm  _allowed_  to be clucky! Especially after all the shit I've been through!"

Alex pulled Olivia into a warm hug, "You  _are_  allowed to be clucky, especially after everything you've been through. We're just teasing!"

The brunette pouted, "I really want to cloth diaper our daughter!"

"Ok, we'll cloth diaper. I don't mind."

"Good! And I want that ruffle diaper cover for when she's a little older too."

Alex negotiated, "Only if we can get a cow print one, because that's just too damn cute!"

"Oh dear lord, it's spreading!" Mel deadpanned.

"I've  _already_  been doing all the clucking over baby stuff, Liv's just catching the disease now!" Alex winked.

Melanie threw her hands up in defeat, "Alright, I'll reinfect myself. As a special aunt can suggest the ladybug print... and the plain purple on Kelly's behalf because that's her favourite colour."

Having sorted out different body and sleep suits, onesies, long shirts, long pants, wool beanies, socks and bibs, Olivia and Alex opted to use Amanda's gift certificate to cover the cost of a nursing chair. However, the Winthrop Sheriff veered off in a different direction as they approached the furniture section.

"Where are you going?" Alex called out.

"I have special aunt  _items_  to go and find! I'll be back in a little while, don't worry! Just don't go near the toy section."

As Alex and Olivia were arranging to have the nursing chair delivered that afternoon, Melanie returned with 2 large bags, one in each hand.

"I know Kelly and I live some distance away, so even if we aren't able to visit as often as we like... though we will as often as we can... special aunts will still be around special nieces and very dear friends in spirit. Alex, you can open this bag... Olivia, you can open the other bag."

Alex opened her bag to see a large stuffed Maine Coon grey tabby cat with a tiny gold button in its ear.

"We'll say that's from Kelly being grey...  _salt and pepper_  coloured," Mel grinned.

Liv held up the large same brand toy in her hand, "A reindeer?"

The shaggy blonde was aghast, "A  _reindeer_?! A rein- It's a damn  _moose_! Just look at those  _huge_  antlers!"

Olivia burst out laughing, "I know it's a moose, you Mainer! Your face when I said reindeer though...  _priceless_!"

* * *

"You're not  _scared_ , are you?" Vanessa teased.

"No. I've just never been on a rollercoaster before."

" _Never_  been on a rollercoaster?!"

"Why is that so hard to believe?" Alan sighed. "Vanessa, you have to remember I hadn't been on a plane or out of the state of Maine until almost a week ago!"

"Please don't remind me that your time here is almost over."

"Hey! You'll be seeing me again in just under 3 weeks, then I'll get to show you around."

"I'm only staying in Winthrop for a few days though."

"Plenty of time. Might even be snowing a little when you visit."

"You're doing a great job of avoiding the subject, you know that?"

Alan smiled his dimply smile, "Am I?!"

"I  _still_  want to ride Coney Island's famous Cyclone rollercoaster. I haven't ridden it in years, and I would like to ride it with you."

"How about we... ride it when I comeback down for the day before we fly to Ohio for the holidays? Which, by the way, we have to purchase tickets for."

"It'll be closed for the off season when you fly back down, and we'll sort out plane tickets to Ohio and accommodation when I come up and see you. Now, come and ride the rollercoaster with me!" Vanessa tugged at his arm.

Alan stuffed his hands inside his duty jacket pockets while looking up at New York City Landmark, "I don't know. I think I'm  _too_  old."

"I'm  _older_  than you!"

"Maybe I'm too short? Isn't there a ' _You must be this high to ride this rollercoaster_ ' sign? I'm sure rides like that have those types of signs."

Vanessa scoffed, "I'm  _shorter_  than you!"

"I don't know."

"Pleeeeeease!" Vanessa whined then pouted like a puppy.

Alan relented, "I'll ride it-"

"YES!" the red head fist pumped the air in glee.

"On  _one_  condition."

"What?"

The rookie removed his left hand from his jacket, "You hold my hand... and  _never_  let go."

Vanessa looked down at Alan's proffered hand then back up his hazel brown eyes. Something unspoken passed between the ' _just friends_ '. It wasn't just about the old wooden and steel structure they were standing in front of, was it? Surely it was something... more.

"You're my little rock, Alan." The red head slipped her hand in his and gently squeezed, "I  _never_  will."

Alan returned the gentle hand squeeze and kissed her forehead, "I won't either because you're my butterfly, Vanessa."

* * *

"Liv, you don't have to wait with us at the gate if you don't want to."

"Apart from getting ready for a hot date with Alex tonight at a little Italian restaurant, I've got nothing else to do. It was really great to catch up with both of you. I'm just sad this week flew by so fast, and that I won't get to see you get your award, Alan."

"I'll be sure to get an official DVD copy from the Sheriff's Department and send it down so you and Alex can see Alan getting his award. Once again, sorry about Kelly not being here."

"It's fine. Come back down in the new year... both of you," Olivia said before hugging both Winthrop workers fiercely.

With the final boarding call for their flight an hour later, Mel reassured Olivia that she would let the brunette know when they landed safely and would Skype on Sunday evening as they always did.

"You got your jacket with you? You know it'll be colder when we land in Augusta," the Sheriff questioned.

"It's in my duffel bag," Alan lied smoothly, buckling his safety belt.

He had no intention of letting the Sheriff know that he had 'accidentally' left it on Vanessa's bed. Then again, he hadn't told Vanessa he had left it there for her either. That was a surprise for her to discover after she finished her session with Doctor Lindstrom. Vanessa, on the other hand, had left a little surprise for Alan on a little piece of paper inside his wallet. It would be a couple of hours before he would discover the small hand written note and then have to translate it using the same internet translator he has used previously to.

_Ego te requiro tantum_.

Latin for 'I miss you so much'.


	50. Chapter 50

"Cabot!" the ADA answered her smart phone in a clipped, no nonsense tone while she continued to write on her legal pad.

"Sweetheart, you know it's me. You saw my name on the screen before you answered the phone."

Alex couldn't help but smile as she held her smart phone to her ear, "Number 1: I love it when you call me that. And number 2: you said you hadn't seen or heard ADA Cabot for some time, so I thought you might like her to answer the phone."

"I love calling you sweetheart...  _sweetheart_. And you can answer the phone with a 'Cabot' for me any time."

"Duly noted. What's up?"

"I thought I'd let you know that Mel and Alan are safely back in Maine. Mel says that Alan's already being mopey and she's not that for behind him seeing they're both separated from their ladies now."

"I have a feeling you and I know what that's like. Vanessa too."

Olivia hummed in agreement. She rested a hand on her stomach, "Anyway, I'm still picking you up from the DA's office tonight?"

"I'm at the 1-6 right now and I don't see myself needing to return to the DA's office, so can you pick me up from here?" Alex asked before bringing her coffee mug to her lips.

"Sure, I can do that. Now... what are you wearing?" Liv asked distractedly, lightly poking her stomach in response to where the baby just kicked.

The blonde began choking and spluttering on the dark, sweetened liquid she had just sipped. After Olivia had asked her several times if she was alright, Alex hissed, "I'm glad I don't have you on speaker right now if you're wanting to have a sexually explicit conversation over the  _phone_!"

Olivia stilled her hand, " _What_?!"

"You asked me and I quote:  _'What are you wearing?'_. That's usually the main precursor to  _phone sex_!"

" _Tonight_! I meant  _tonight_! What are you wearing  _tonight_  for our  _date_ at the Italian restaurant!" Liv quickly corrected her unintentional error.

Alex tried to suppress a laugh, "You didn't say  _that_!"

"I'm saying it  _now_!"

"And what made you so distracted? You're not bothering the baby, are you?"

The brunette swiftly moved her hand away even though Alex couldn't see, "Nope."

The noise Alex made in response was of one of being unconvinced.

"Can I go back and start again seeing I'm currently suffering baby brain? Alex: What are you wearing  _tonight_  for our  _date_ at the Italian restaurant? I'd like to know so I can choose one of the dresses I bought yesterday while we were shopping."

"I'm going to wear a lovely red dress. I think you'll really like it," Alex commented.

"It's not the one you wore when you went on a date with  _Langan_?"

Alex sighed in annoyance, "Firstly: it wasn't a  _date_  when he asked me. It was a  _business dinner_  that Trevor conveniently forgot to invite other people to, which I found out relatively fast when he said the people that were supposed to be there weren't. I told you all this the next day, remember? Secondly: it was over 10 years ago! You and I weren't together, but I'm glad we are  _now_. Thirdly: I don't have  _that_ particular dress any more. All of my clothes were donated to charity after I entered WPP. Fourthly: the dress I'm going to wear  _tonight_  is even better than the one I wore back then. Lastly: I won't be dining with an enemy. I'll be dining with  _you_... the woman I love and the mother of our child."

Olivia could only smile at the last 2 points Alex made. "Hang on, I don't recall you taking a dress bag with you to work this morning. Are you picking one up from the dry cleaners?"

"No I didn't take one with me, nor am I picking one up from the dry cleaners. I bought the dress during lunch today. I'll have a quick shower and freshen up in the ladies showers before we go after spending most of the day in court."

"You have toiletries at the precinct now?"

"I  _may_  have commandeered part of your locker since you were found. I hope you don't mind?"

"Not at all."

"So now you know what I'm wearing, which dress are you going to wear?" Alex asked with the knowledge that Olivia's dress would be either aquamarine or mulberry, her own mind wandering to the dress bag hanging inside Olivia's locker.

"You know what? I think I'm going to surprise you seeing you'll be surprising me. I better let you get back to work. Love you!"

"Love you too!"

The brunette placed her phone back on the kitchen table after ending the call and turned her attention back to the various pieces of paper and pamphlets scattered in front of her from the manila folder with the NYPD seal.

* * *

Olivia adjusted the shoulder sash straps of the Mulberry Silk Multiway Maternity Evening Gown to cover the branding on her biceps before slipping on her black knee length wool coat and crossing W45th street. Even though her scars on her biceps and arms wouldn't be seen, it was a self conscious habit that would take time to overcome. In Alex's presence, she didn't care if they were seen. Nor when she was with Vanessa, or any of the Winthrop workers because they all knew and understood (especially Vanessa), how they came to be on her body. However after the experience in the birthing class, it showed her how judgmental some people could be and playing on niggling insecurities.

Liv had called Alex to let the blonde know she was leaving the apartment, but the call went straight through to voice mail. The same thing happened when Olivia called after arriving at the precinct just now, and Liv assumed it was more than likely the battery in Alex's phone had died. She signed the visitors book and steadied herself before entering the elevator. She recognised a couple of the police officers already inside, but none from name, nor were any of them from the 6th floor. She channeled a certain ADA's cold, icy glare when the young male NYPD officer looked her up and down and winked at her before he disembarked for the 3rd floor.

Exiting on the 6th floor, Olivia approached the SVU bullpen. She raised her eyebrow in curiosity when she saw a large bunch of fresh mixed Zinnias in a vase on her desk... Alex's desk as she approached.

"Whoa, Benson! Lookin'  _fine_!" Doom called out from his desk opposite Munch's. He got up and gave Olivia a warm hug, "How's my niece? Alex told me about her kicking you in the ribs last night."

"Baby Brianna is fine, Uncle Doom. I'm certain she's sleeping right now. Doom, 2 questions for you. Why are there mixed Zinnias on my... Alex's desk?"

"It's Monday, duh!" Doom replied as if that was a stupid question.

"I know it's Monday. Care to elaborate?"

"A fresh bunch of those flowers have arrived each and every Monday since I've been here... actually, since Cabot started working here again. She said they'd keep arriving until you say stop. Obviously you've not said for them to stop coming."

"Of course," Olivia replied with a single nod of her head. She had forgotten Alex had said that when they came to the precinct to see Cragen after returning from Maine.

"What's the other question?" Doom prompted, flopping back down in his chair and pulling a DD5 towards himself.

"Where's Alex? Is she still getting dolled up for our date?"

Doom pointed over Olivia's shoulder, "Cabot's in the kids Interview Room with a suspected vic. They came in about an hour ago and she's been in there about 15-20 minutes."

Just as Olivia was going to ask further questions, Don Cragen approached from the Juvenile Interview Room viewing area. "Olivia, Alex asked me to tell you know when you got here that it might be a little while longer. Your date is  _not_  called off, but it might be a little while before she can leave."

"Cap, what's happening? Why is Alex in the soft Interview Room?"

Cragen explained, "Woman came in with the 6 year old girl... her niece. She suspects the little girl's possibly being abused and/or being used for child pornography."

Olivia's response was automatic, "Why does she say that?"

"Little girl's mother has been in and out of hospital for the last few months with preeclampsia. That was until the mother went into labour this afternoon and the girl stayed with her aunt and uncle. The girl started taking off her clothes when the aunt got the camera to take some pictures of the craft items they made for Mom while she's in hospital. Dumas has been the one to get most of the child victims to open up since he joined us, but the little girl went into complete shut down mode when he entered the room. Same reaction when Fin tried, and Rollins didn't get much more than a look from the girl when she attempted to interact with her. The only reason she's even acknowledging Alex is because the little girl is named Alexis... little girl prefers Lexie, though."

"She's made a connection with name familiarity," Liv surmised.

"However, even with the similar names, Alex hasn't made much progress in the 20 minutes she's been in there. She's not giving up trying to get something or somewhere with the little girl," Don rubbed his face in frustration, before breaking the heavy silence. "Liv? Would-"

"You want me to try and interview her, don't you?" Olivia asked before Don could finish.

"I wouldn't ask under any other circumstances, and you have every right to refuse."

Liv sat down on the chair at her... Alex's desk. "I'm on mandatory leave, remember? I  _can't_  help, Cap."

Cragen gave a tight lipped smile, "I apologise, Liv. I have no right to ask you to do that. I'll go and let Alex know you're here now."

Olivia watched Don return to the Juvenile Interview Room viewing area. She saw that Rafael Barba was observing the interview for neutrality as Don tapped on the glass. Alex popped her head out of the interview room a few moments later, then gave the brunette an apologetic wave before retreating back inside. Olivia turned her attention back to her... Alex's desk. It was relatively unchanged, except for the flowers in a vase and birthday card with a simple, yet elegant 'Happy Birthday' on the front in gold calligraphy, with an embossed floral border. It had been 6 months since Olivia wrote inside that card.

_Alex,_  
_We promise according to our hopes, and we want according to our fears. ~ François de La Rochefoucauld_  
_Love, Olivia_

Her hand unconsciously went to the Fearlessness plaque at the base of her throat. She tried not to laugh at the 'photo' of herself and Barack Obama that John had digitally manipulated for her as a joke. She smiled at the photo of herself, Elliott and Alex that had been taken after Alex returned from her ICC tenure but before Elliott retired. Her brown eyes eventually landed on the one of herself and Serena.

Mother and daughter.

The person why Olivia Benson had joined the NYPD.

The reason why Olivia Benson had joined the NYPD.

Mother and daughter.

Liv rested her hand on her swollen stomach as she felt baby Brianna move, various conflicting thoughts swirling in her mind.

* * *

Don and Rafael jumped in surprise when they heard someone behind them clear their throat about 10 minutes later.

Olivia avoided both surprised gazes, "I'm on mandatory leave from the NYPD right now... what red tape needs to be cut so I might help?"

It took a few moments for it to register with the SVU Captain what Olivia had just said, "You leave the red tape to me."

Olivia nodded, "I-I'll need my shield... and some spare change."

"Spare change?" Rafael asked, clearly puzzled at the request as Don headed for his office.

"For the vending machine. I really need a snack and I know how temperamental that machine can be with notes."

Rafael dug some coins out of the change pocket of his suit pants, "You still craving-"

Olivia growled, "I'm  _not_  craving! I just haven't eaten in a while."

" _Not_  craving... got it!" Rafael handed Olivia all the coins he had before she departed.

Liv pushed the correct amount of coins into the vending machine near the elevator and pressed the corresponding buttons for a packet of Peanut M&M's. She hastily opened the packet, popped a few in her mouth and stashed the packet in her coat pocket before returning to the Captain's office. Don was sitting on the edge of his desk with a gold Detective shield in a new leather belt clip/neck hanger combo holder in his grasp.

"You don't have to do this. As you said, you're on mandatory leave... quitting the NYPD even."

"I know," Olivia nodded and held out her hand. She looked down at the gold shield now in her palm. It was immediately apparent to the brunette that even though it was her badge, the 4-0-1-5 confirmed it, this badge was much too shiny and there wasn't any chipping to the blue enamel that she knew there should be near the 'D' of Detective after Lewis dropped it on the cold, hard floor of the cabin after the first time he branded her.

It wasn't the one that hurt her.

It wasn't the one that burned her.

It wasn't the one that branded her.

It wasn't the one that blistered her skin.

It wasn't the one that Lewis Williams taunted he was going to press to her pretty face to make her unrecognisable if she didn't tell him who 'Alex' was the next time.

He was going to hurt her.

He was going to burn her.

He was going to brand her.

He was going to blister her skin.

He was going to make her scream again just like he made Nessa scream.

Scream in pain.

Scream in terror.

Scream in agony.

Scream in anguish.

Scream in unbridled fear and despair while enduring all the mental, physical and emotional torture Lewis Williams would subject her with to protect Alex at all costs.

"Liv?"

Olivia breath hitched in shock, the sound of Don saying her name drawing her out of her memory of the dimly lit cellar.

"Are you ok?" Don asked with concern.

"Yeah," Liv nodded.

"NYPD reissued a new one. It was too banged up for 1PP's liking," Cragen explained.

Liv looked down at the gold shield again. Lewis Williams was dead, the cabin demolished, and the badge in her hand wouldn't and couldn't hurt her. Normally she would just clip it to the right side of her belt near her gun holster, but she wasn't wearing a belt. Inhaling a deep, steady breath through her nose, Olivia unfurled the neck chain and slipped it over head. She slowly exhaled as the leather holder settled on her torso below her breasts.

* * *

Hearing the door open, Alex's eyes widened in surprise behind her black framed glasses as Olivia entered the Juvenile Interview Room. To her right side, the little girl, an African American with numerous two strand twists to her shoulders, continued colouring the petals of the flower on the piece of paper, utterly ignoring Liv. The blonde saw the gold shield hanging from around Olivia's neck but kept her features neutral.

"Hi Alex," Olivia smiled before closing the door. The sight of Alex Cabot perched on a small chair was quite amusing to the brunette.

The ADA recognised the tone of Olivia's voice. It would best be described as Liv's 'child victims' voice. Non threatening, soft, soothing and caring. It was the tone Olivia had been using to talk to their daughter in more recent times, especially at night before going to sleep.

"Hi Olivia," Alex replied in a similar soft tone.

Olivia remained near the door, "Can I sit with you?"

"Umm... let me just ask my new friend. Lexie? Can a friend of mine sit with us?"

Lexie gave a shrug of indifference and continued to colour, not looking up from her paper.

"You can sit with us, Olivia. We're colouring pictures right now," Alex said, reaching over and pulling the adult chair closer to the round table to her left side. There was an outline of a macaw on a branch on Alex's piece of paper with the tail, head and chest sections shaded red.

Liv sat down, thankful for the adult chair. "Alex, want to introduce me to your new friend?"

"Olivia, this is my new friend Alexis Henderson... but Alexis prefers to be called Lexie. Lexie, this is my best friend Olivia. She's a police officer."

"Hi Lexie!" Olivia replied, but the little girl remained focused on her colouring.

Alex gave Olivia a pained smile, both women knew this might take some time. The brunette pulled a piece of paper with an outline of a teddy bear holding a bunch of balloons towards her, then took a green pencil from the holder and began colouring too. Her mind replayed the very limited information she had been given while she quickly shaded the chosen area. With a balloon shaded, Olivia put the pencil back in the holder and rested her hand on her stomach.

"What colour now, baby?" Olivia asked, waiting for a reply that wouldn't be said. "That's what I thought! A pink balloon next!" She reached over and took the aforementioned colour pencil from the holder, "OOH!"

"Are you alright?" Alex's voice was full of concern.

Olivia smiled brightly and gave Alex a wink, her voice still soft and soothing. "I think the baby just wanted to say hello because she wasn't introduced to your new friend."

Lexie looked up from colouring to see Olivia gently rubbing her hand on her stomach, "You're having a baby?!"

"I am!" Olivia replied, grateful the little girl had taken an interest as she had hoped she would. They would keep talking about babies until Olivia felt she could steer the subject towards what needed to be known. If Lexie shut down early, there would be no hope in getting her to talk later.

"My Momma's having a baby today."

"Is she?!"

Lexie nodded enthusiastically, swapping her yellow pencil for a blue one, "Yeah! I'm gonna have a lil' brother. His name's gonna be Randall after Daddy."

"Randall. That's a great name for a little brother," Olivia said.

"That's what Daddy says! Are you having a lil' boy too?"

"No, I'm having a little girl in a few months time. She still has a bit of growing to do."

"Does she have a name?"

"She has a middle name after  _her_  Daddy."

"What's her middle name then?"

"Brianna."

"That's a pretty name!"

"We thought so too! Alex and I are still trying to decide on her first name though. We made a biiiiiig list of names, and we've been narrowing them down. Now I have a name picked out from my side of the list of the 2 names I have left."

"And I have a name picked out from my side of the list of the 2 names left, but Olivia and I just haven't told each other what names we've chosen."

"You should do what me an' my best friend Latisha do!"

"What's that?" Alex asked.

"Both write it down at the same time so ya can't see, an' then show each other on the count of 3!"

Alex's voice was barely audible as she leant closer,  _"We said we'd wait until December."_

_"Just go with it. Keep her talking and interacting with us,"_ Liv's response was just as quiet. She address Alex in her 'children voice' again, "What do you think Alex? Can we do that?"

"I don't see why we can't do that right now."

Lexie placed a piece of plain paper in front of Alex then one in front of Olivia, "Ok, write it down! An' no peeking!"

Each woman made a show for Lexie of not allowing the other to see the name they were currently writing before each folded their piece of paper vertically to hide the name.

"Now you hold up the paper an' on the count of 3, you open it up to let the other see!"

"Is that  _on_  3 or  _after_  3?" Alex asked.

Lexie rolled her eyes, "It's 1, 2, 3,  _then_  open it, silly!"

Alex gave a thumbs up, "Got it!"

"Me too!" Olivia confirmed with a grin.

"Ok!... 1!... 2!... 2 ½!..." Lexie giggled at making them wait a little longer. "... an' 3!"

Each woman opened the piece of paper in their hands simultaneously. On Olivia's piece of paper was the name Zoë. Alex's piece of paper had the name Chloe. They couldn't help but laugh a little at their choices, and were now one step closer to naming their daughter.

Alex spoke, "You know what, Lexie?"

"What?"

"You're the  _first_  person to know that baby Brianna's first name might be Chloe or Zoë. Noone else knows!" the blonde stated. Well it was true... to an extent. Neither woman was aware that the other had already told the Winthrop Sheriff.

"Whoa!" Lexie gasped in awe. "When will you decide which name will be Brianna's first name?"

"When I give birth and we meet her for the first time."

"Hopefully I'll meet my lil' brother soon. Momma said it might take hours before he pops out!"

"She's right. It could take hours," Liv took a few M&M's from her pocket and popped them in her mouth as the little girl resumed colouring. "Lexie, has your Momma had an easy pregnancy?"

"What d'you mean?"

"Has she had to go to hospital a lot or not too much?"

"Momma's had to go to  _hosbidal_  a few times. The doctor told her that she has  _clam see-saws_."

"Preeclampsia?" the brunette corrected.

"Yeah, that's the word!  _Pre-clam see-saws_!"

"And when Momma's been in the hospital, who's taken care of you?"

"Aunt Shonda an' Uncle Daryl... but Uncle Daryl's just come back from Iraqastan, so it's been Aunt Shonda."

"You mean Uncle Daryl's been in Afghanistan?"

"That's what I said! Iraqastan. He an' Daddy have been over there 'cause they're Marines. Uncle Daryl came back last week, but Daddy won't be back until March. He's gotta wait even longer before he sees Randall!"

"Lexie, has Aunt Shonda had anyone else look after you when you've stayed with her?"

"No," Lexie shook her head vigorously.

Olivia continued her questions, "Has anyone  _else_  looked after you when Momma's been in the hospital?"

"Kalinda has."

"Who's Kalinda?"

"Latisha's Momma. They live next door in 7J."

"Has anyone else looked after you while you've been at Kalinda's?"

Lexie shook her head once again and resumed colouring. Olivia decided to back off a little and give Lexie a break. She knew children could get tired answering questions which could result in them shutting down. She resumed shading and indicted for Alex to keep colouring too. Once another 2 balloons were finished, Liv swapped for a blue pencil.

"What happened to your hand?" Lexie's eyes widened at seeing the 'X' shape scar that criss-crossed the back of Olivia's right hand.

Olivia pondered the question. How does anyone explain to a 6 year old that they were kidnapped, brutally tortured and possibly raped for 128 days? She could brush it aside as an accident but she didn't want to frighten the little girl either. She simply answered, "A really bad man hurt me and a friend of mine."

"Why?"

"Because me and my friend wouldn't do something he wanted us to do. But you know what, Lexie? The police helped me and my friend, and that man can't hurt me or my friend or anyone else any more."

"But  _you're_  the police. Alex said so, an' you got a badge!" Lexie pointed to the shield hanging around Olivia's neck.

"Even police officers need help sometimes. We need help to put the bad men  _and_  women away so they can't hurt people like me and my friend."

"Is that bad man in jail now?"

"Like I said, he can't anyone any more," Olivia had no intention to tell Lexie that Lewis Williams was shot dead.

All 3 occupants of the Juvenile Interview Room began colouring their pictures again, but Olivia kept most of her attention on Lexie. She needed to start finding out why this little girl began talking her clothes off. Well, the 'why' was sadly obvious to Olivia, but the 'who' question needed to be addressed.

"I've finished colouring this picture for Momma!" Lexie held her picture up in triumph.

"That's some great colouring!" Alex said and saw the look of bashfulness Lexie gave at the compliment.

Olivia hoped her next statement wouldn't trigger something for the little girl, "I agree with Alex. That's great colouring! I'd take a photo of it to keep as a memento before you give it to your Momma, but I don't have a camera."

"Cameras aren't for photos, phones are, silly!" Lexie stated as fact.

To most people, that statement was definitely true, especially in this day and age. However, to someone who had worked at SVU for as long as Olivia Benson had, it raised more questions than it answered.

"Most phones have cameras though. How else to you take a picture?"

"Phones are for  _photos_... cameras are  _different_."

Olivia pressed on, "Different how? What are cameras used for?"

"Cameras are for happy snaps," mumbled Lexie.

That certain raised alarm bells for both Olivia and Alex. They exchanged looks, each knowing what the next question needed to be.

The brunette resumed, "Lexie, what are happy snaps?"

The little girl became silent again.

"Is it a secret?" Olivia guessed aloud.

A slow nod was Lexie's reply.

"You know, sometimes certain secrets need to be told."

Tears began to well in Lexie's brown eyes, "He said he'd hurt me and Momma if I told. I don't want him to hurt me or Momma!"

"I know you don't want to get hurt and you don't want Momma to get hurt either. Remember what I said before, the police can help. If you can be really brave... a brave big sister and tell me, the police can make sure he can never hurt you or your Momma."

Liv changed course in her questions when Lexie remained silent, "Can you tell me what happy snaps are?"

"Photos with no clothes on."

"And someone's taken happy snaps of you, haven't they?"

"Uh-huh," Lexie nodded sadly.

"Can you tell me who?"

Lexie shook her head.

"Do  _they_  take their clothes off?"

"No."

"But they make  _you_  take yours off?"

"Uh-huh."

"Do they touch you anywhere on your body when they take the happy snaps?"

"No."

"Do they make you touch them anywhere on their body?"

"No."

"Lexie, do you remember why they start taking happy snaps of you?"

"I was playing hide an' seek an' I hid in their room an' they got angry when they found me 'cause I found their smiley face and princess crown candies under the bed."

Alex whispered to Olivia,  _"Smiley face and princess crown candies? Drugs."_

_"Ecstasy more than likely,"_ Liv whispered her reply before addressing Lexie, "Then what happened?"

"He said if he took the happy snaps he wouldn't be angry any more."

"Who's room did you hide in?"

"Tyrone's."

"Who's Tyrone?"

"Latisha's brother."

"You're doing great, Lexie! Really great. Do you know where Tyrone keeps the camera that has the happy snaps on it?"

"Yeah."

"Can you tell me where it is?"

There was a long silence before Lexie spoke, "Behind the lady with no clothes on. That's on his wall in his room... an' that's where he keeps his candy too."

A knock on the glass of the Juvenile Interview Room indicated to Olivia and Alex that they had enough information.

* * *

"Thankyou, Detective... Olivia," Captain Cragen corrected himself.

Olivia removed her gold shied from around her neck and handed it back to Don, "Glad I could help, Cap."

Don inhaled as if to ask a question, but instead he smiled at Liv, "I'll let you go and wait for Alex. Once again,  _thankyou_  for your help. Really appreciate it."

Alex was waiting beside Olivia's... her desk as Olivia exited the Captain's office, "I'm going to have a quick shower and then we can go to dinner."

Liv gave Alex a discreet kiss near the corner of her mouth, "I can't wait to see this red dress of yours."

"Well, you'll just have to wait a little bit longer. I'll be back as soon as I can. By the way, you look beautiful in that dress."

Alex departed and Liv settled down in her... Alex's chair, resting her hand on her stomach. She was so preoccupied with various thoughts of baby names and red dresses that she didn't hear the footsteps approaching.

"Can we talk?" Nick Amaro asked as he stood on the opposite side of his desk that butted up against her... Alex's desk.


	51. Chapter 51

**" _May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears._ " ~ Nelson Mandela**

Olivia's reply was instant, "I don't know if we can, Nick. Are you going to accuse me of  _cheating_?"

"Are you going to hold a  _gun_  to the back of my head?" Nick shot back just as fast.

They eyed each other critically.

"Sit down," Olivia rubbed her forehead and sighed as Amaro sat in his chair. "Do you even  _comprehend_  why I did what I did, Nick? I thought Alex was in grave danger when you led her away like you did!"

"I was only going to  _talk_  to Cabot, not  _hurt_  her!"

"I DIDN'T KNOW THAT!" Liv stopped herself and took a calming breath while gathering her thoughts. She didn't want an all out screaming match in the squad room. Not now, not ever. She wanted to talk rationally and clear the air with Amaro seeing it was one of the therapy steps she needed to take. She remembered back to the little 'test' Doctor Galen MacKenzie did with her during her first therapy session and used it to help explain her actions.

Liv looked across at Nick, "Sorry. I need to explain some things... my actions on that day, in particular. I admit I didn't see  _you_  when you led Alex away from the squad room that day... I didn't see Detective Amaro, not even _Nick Amaro_. I saw a tallish, dark haired, well built man leading away someone I care  _deeply_ for... the woman I  _love_. You have to try and understand I was repeatedly threatened, mentally and physically assaulted, and tortured for 128 days in a dimly lit cellar while chained to a wall by a sadistic, tallish, dark haired, well built man. I had to listen to another woman scream for her life as she was being repeatedly brutalised, and I couldn't do anything about it... not a damn thing! That sound... it's ingrained in my memory... it still haunts me in my nightmares... I doubt it'll never leave me. When he... when Lewis heard me say Alex's name in my sleep... or a drug induced stupor, I'm not sure which one... Perhaps it was both? Anyway, he then wanted to know who Alex was... he said he would stop torturing me if I just told him who this 'Alex'  _gentleman_  was."

"Gentleman?"

"I wasn't going to correct his assumption of Alex's gender, but every time Lewis said Alex's name, I knew who he was referring to... And I sure as hell knew what Lewis was capable of because he already he had killed Cassidy in front of me in my bedroom."

"Brian didn't-"

"I mean, we were both of the  _assumption_  that he had shot and killed Brian in my bedroom." Olivia looked down at her hands, "Do you... do you remember what Lewis Williams did to Alice Parker's body with the coat hanger, cigarettes and keys in her own apartment?"

Amaro nodded solemnly, he remembered all too well.

Olivia held up her hands, flipping from the backs to the palms a few times for Nick to see, "These scars... they were just a test run of what was to come for  _my_  torture when Lewis wanted to know who 'Alex' was... after he tired of trying to get me to say ' _Pease don't hurt me, I'll do anything you want'_. You don't want to see the rest of my body... my arms... my legs... my back in particular... You don't want to see what he did with cigarettes... the coat hanger... a knife... my own Detective shield, for crying out loud! But no matter what he did, I wouldn't give him what he wanted. I protected her with my life, and I don't mean that as a figure of speech. What would  _you_  do to protect someone you love? What would you to to protect Zara? Gilberto?... Maria?"

Nick sighed, "Maria and I are over."

"Then someone  _else_  perhaps?"

"I'd do  _whatever_  I could...  _whatever_  it took."

"Even willingly put your own life on the line?"

"Yes."

" _Exactly_!" Olivia said, taking a few more M &M's out of her pocket then popping them in her mouth. "Nessa... Vanessa Meyer was also tortured by Lewis just like I was to find out who 'Alex' was, but  _she_ wouldn't say anything either. She protected Alex's identity as much as I did, and she didn't have to do that... she could've easily said something to save herself. But Nessa realised quite early on how much Alex meant to me seeing I talked about Alex so much to her. Talking about Alex kept me sane... kept me hopeful... it was a tiny sliver of optimism in a fucked up situation."

"I didn't know."

Olivia's tone wasn't harsh, "No, you didn't. Nick, I deeply regret holding your own gun on you, and I'm truly sorry I did. If it hadn't of been for Alex talking me down... I'm not sure either of us would be sitting here having this conversation right now. I'm 99% certain I'd be in Rikers... the other 1% I'm sure you can figure out yourself."

Nick let all of what Olivia said sink as he wrung his hands together. It was several minutes before he spoke, "I'm sorry for saying you were cheating."

"It's not just me you should be apologising to though."

"Is the Sheriff still here in New York?"

"No. Sheriff Leonard returned to Maine this morning. You missed your opportunity. I can give you the address and phone number for the Winthrop station, or you can wait until she returns in the new year if you'd prefer to apologise to Melanie face to face."

"I think I'll call her first, but also apologise when she comes back."

Olivia wrote the information down on the legal pad, tore it off and passed it across, "By the way, she could very well have joined Nessa and myself in that cabin if it hadn't of been for a co-worker of hers that killed Lewis Williams... a first year rookie... just so you know."

Amaro began to explain himself after he folded the paper and tucked it inside his jacket, "When you were first taken by Lewis, I didn't realise how much Cabot loved  _you_. She rejoined SVU at the beginning of July and basically took over  _your_  desk as  _hers_  from Day 1. I thought it was maybe just a silly one sided crush on you or something, because you were with... had been with Brian. I thought she was being a little over dramatic or overly sensitive because we were  _all_  hurting that the heart and soul of SVU was gone... vanished without a trace, but for the taunting of those photos that Lewis kept sending. Over the weeks I watched Alex just stare at those photos of you, her and Stabler... the silly photo Munch made of you and the President... and of you and your Mom... but always playing with the necklace she was wearing, like she was lost in thought or memories. It took me a while to figure out the necklace she was wearing was basically the same as your Fearlessness one you wear now, but with different writing."

"Sanskrit... it's Fearlessness in Sanskrit."

"Makes sense," Nick replied. "It also took me a while to realise that Alex was...  _is_  in love with you. When we got word that you were finally found, I just automatically assumed that I'd be the one going to Maine being your work partner. I didn't think Alex would be your medical proxy or anything like that, but right away she set me straight that she was... she even said she expected the reaction I gave from Stabler, and not  _me_. Since Alex returned to work after you were found... the dark, heavy cloud that had been constantly hanging over her has been lifted... It made me realise she was working on autopilot while you were gone, and I've seen how much happier she's been that you were found... When you held my gun to my head and Alex talked you down, she said she trusted you with her life and asked you if you trusted her. You said she was the only one you trusted... I knew then that you loved her, and would do anything to protect her."

Olivia broke the long silence, "Still doesn't explain the fact that you accused me of having an affair with Mel."

"You have to understand from where I was it  _looked_  like you were kissing Sheriff Leonard. People that find out someone's cheating-"

"I  _wasn't_  cheating!"

"Let me finish explaining!... People that find out someone's cheating on someone usually give this stupid ultimatum that the person who's cheating tell the other person in the relationship or the person who saw the infidelity will do it for them. The person who's cheating usually makes up some lame ass excuse to the person they're cheating on cover their tracks."

Olivia felt her anger spiking again, "And what? You thought by telling Alex that I was having an affair without letting me have a chance to explain myself that you'd score brownie points with her? Maybe you thought Alex would turn to  _you_?"

Nick shook his head in denial, "No!"

"Perhaps she'd fall in love with  _you_...  _you_  could help mend her broken heart because you and Maria are finished now?"

"It's  _not_  like that! Not like that at all!"

"Then  _how_  is it, Nick? Paint the picture for me because I'm  _not_  seeing it any other way!"

"It's not like that because..."

"Because  _what_?"

"Because I like Amanda, alright! I like Amanda, not Alex... and I didn't want to see Alex get hurt by you. It's just at the time, telling Alex what I  _saw_... what I  _thought_  I saw... it seemed like the right thing to do."

"Well it wasn't. Mel was right when she said it was a shit thing to do. Nick, we're partners...we were partners. You of all people should know to  _trust_  me."

"But it was a bit hard to trust you after you held a gun to the back of my head, remember?" Nick reminded her.

Olivia exhaled heavily, "Fair enough. Still, you should've given me the opportunity to explain what happened at Shakespeare's Garden between Mel and myself... why she was crying and why I kissed her on the cheek,  _especially_  to Alex. You didn't jump to a conclusion, you  _leapt_!"

"Leapt and landed feet first into a big pile of shit."

"We both did, Amaro. We  _both_  fucked up... we both fuck up  _royally_."

"I sincerely apologise for accusing you of having an affair with the Sheriff without any evidence. If I could take it all back...  _everything_  that happened... I'd do it in a heartbeat."

"I would too... I would too," Olivia mused.

"Liv?" Nick waved his hand back and forth between them, "Are we... cool?"

"We're cool," Olivia nodded as her attention was drawn to Alex, carrying a shopping bag stuffed with her work attire and a knee length wool coat over her arm, approaching from the crib. The blonde was dressed in a Biba Asymmetric One Shoulder Maxi Dress, her hair hanging loose and her black framed glasses replaced with contacts that made her eyes even more blue.

Ethereal, elegant and exquisite.

Liv stood up and met her half way as Alex did a quick 360° for her to see. The brunette couldn't help but let out a low whistle before smiling and taking Alex's free hand, " _I've never seen you looking so lovely as you do tonight..._ "

Alex quirked an eyebrow, "Really?!"

_"I've never seen you shine so bright..."_

"Liv!" Alex tried to hide her embarrassment from their single person audience.

" _I've never seen so many men or women ask you if you wanted to dance... But tonight I'm looking for a little romance, given half a chance..."_

"Stop it!" chastised the ADA.

_"I have never seen that dress you're wearing..."_

"I told you I bought it today."

_"Or the highlights in your hair that catch your eyes..."_

"I do  _not_  highlight my hair!" Alex admonished.

_"I have been blind..._ "

Alex rolled her eyes, "Olivia, you can stop serenading me with ' _Lady in Red_ ' now."

"Damn, you recognised it."

"You altered the lyrics slightly, but yes I recognised Chris de Burgh's song."

"Well, everything I said was true. You look... breathtaking."

"You don't look half bad yourself... Stunning, actually." Alex stated, passing the bag to Olivia, slipping the coat on then taking the bag back. "Are we ready to go to dinner?"

"Yes, we are. Let's get out of here," Olivia placed her hand on the small of Alex's back and guided her towards the elevators.

"Hey Liv..." Nick called out from his desk, pulling a DD5 towards him. "Are you coming back to SVU?"

Olivia looked back over her shoulder and gave a tight lipped smile, "Goodbye, Nick."

After pressing the elevator button, Liv discreetly popped another few more M&M's in her mouth, resulting in a raised eyebrow from the blonde.

"I'm  _not_  craving!" Olivia covered her mouth as she spoke.

Alex rolled her eyes in utter disbelief while entering the empty elevator.

Olivia shoved the M&M's packet deeper inside her coat pocket, following a step behind, "I'm  _not_!"

"No, of course not..." Alex deadpanned as the elevator door closed, "You're  _just friends_  with peanuts."

* * *

"Olivia! Alex!" A young girl's voice called out as Olivia unlocked the trunk of the Mustang for Alex to put the bag inside.

Both women turned to see Lexie Henderson crossing the street with her aunt.

"Aunt Shonda? Can I give Olivia an' Alex something from my backpack that we made this afternoon?"

"Lexie, I don't think they'd want what you made. It's silly things, and these ladies are all dressed up and about to go to dinner."

"Pleeeeeeassse!" Lexie begged.

Alex addressed Lexie's Aunt Shonda as Olivia closed the trunk, "It's alright. If Lexie wants to give Olivia and I something, we don't mind."

"YES!" Lexie gave a little jump in enthusiasm.

"A lot of children that come to the precinct give us drawings and little items... Honestly, it helps children  _and_  the detectives more than you think." Liv explained quietly to Shonda while Lexie crouched down and dug inside her backpack. "Did the SVU detectives give you information regarding child therapists?"

Shonda nodded, "Yes. Detective Tutuola and Rollins stayed with me while you interviewed Lexie, and they gave me some cards for a couple of different ones before they left with Detective Dumas. I'll make sure my sister-in-law, Chantelle, gets them."

Lexie stood back up and held out her hand, "Umm, Olivia... I want you to have this. It's a fishtail pattern rubber band bracelet an' I made it with Aunt Shonda! Well, Aunt Shonda showed me how to start it on the loom, an' she put on the clips too, but I did the rest while she watched me do it. I used my favouritist colours for it... pink, purple an' blue... an' I was gonna give it to Momma, but I want you to have it 'cause  _you're_  gonna be a Momma."

Olivia looked down at the bracelet, "Oh, sweetheart. If it's for your Momma, you give it to her."

"I'm gonna make 'nother one for Momma with Momma's favouritist colours... that's green an' yellow. I want  _Oey_  Brianna's Momma to have this one... an' that's you."

" _Oey_?" Liv questioned.

"You said you still gotta decide her name, an' seeing both Chloe and Zoë end in ' _Oey_ ', I thought it'd be easier to call her ' _Oey_ ' than Chloe-Zoë or Zoë-Chloe."

" _Oey_  Brianna, I love it." Liv laughed lightly. Child logic was always so innocent, simple and cute. She held out her hand, "Thankyou for the bracelet, Lexie."

"You wanna put the bracelet on now? It'll look  _really_  pretty with your dress!"

Olivia swallowed reflexively at the suggestion. Could she wear the newly crafted bracelet to please the little girl? Vanessa had put her watch back on right away, but Olivia's Breitling was still on the bedside table. She hadn't had anything around her wrists since the handcuffs that secured her to the chain on the wall in the cabin. Sure, she had medical band while she was in the small hospital in Winthrop, but that didn't affect her because the bandages around her hands and wrists separated the loose band from her skin. Even though Lexie was smiling, Liv could see the little girl almost pleading with her eyes as she held the bracelet in her hand. Olivia's eyes searched for the blue ones beside her, before she looked back at the young brown ones looking up at her.

"Umm... s-sure... sure." Liv pulled up the right sleeve of her coat just a bit, "Y-you put it on for me, ok?"

Liv held her breath as Lexie clipped the colourful rubber band bracelet in place. It took a few moment for Olivia to realise it wasn't like in the cabin. It wasn't hard, cold, chaffing metal biting into her wrist. It was soft, supple, flexible rubber loosely encircling her wrist.

"See! It looks  _really_  pretty with your dress!"

Liv exhaled, "It sure does! Thankyou so much."

"Alex, I don't have 'nother rubber band bracelet, but seeing your my new friend, I want you to have..." Lexie removed another item from her backpack, "... the tubes an' macaroni wheels necklace I was gonna give Momma. See, it's green wheels an' plain tubes... an' they're Momma's favouritist colours! I know I'm not s'posed to, but I ate the couple of tubes that were left over when I finished making the necklace."

The ADA crouched down to Lexie's eye level, moving her blonde hair to one side. "I'm going out for dinner, and I will  _happily_  wear my new friend's  _ziti_ and  _rotelle_ necklace all night long."

"Alex, who's Rotelle? An' why she got zits?" Lexie asked curiously, slipping the long necklace with alternating pasta and red wool over Alex's head. "Does she work with you? An' has she been eating too much chocolate?"

"It's not a pers-..." Alex attempted to correct but stopped when she heard the stifled laughs of Olivia and Shonda. Shonda received a text message as Alex asked, "Lexie, you must  _really_  like making jewellery?"

"I wanna make all diff'rent jewellery when I'm grown up!"

Alex stood up, "Well, you keep making all this  _gorgeous_  jewellery... and Olivia and I will keep an eye out for some of your creations when you're famous and all the celebrities are wearing  _your_  jewellery on the red carpet."

Olivia added, "We'll be able to say we were friends with Lexie Henderson and knew all about her talent for jewellery making before everyone else knew her."

Lexie gave the same look of bashfulness that she gave in the Juvenile Interview Room.

Shonda slipped her phone back in her handbag and addressed her niece, "Lexie, you're a big sister now!"

"I am! Can we go see Momma an' Randall in the  _hosbidal_? Pleeeeeeassse!"

"In the morning, baby. Your Momma and Randall are really tired, and Uncle Daryl's only staying with her until visiting hours are over."

"Aww!" Lexie whined, slinging her backpack on to her shoulders.

Shonda reminded her, "Don't forget that you've got to make Momma a new bracelet and necklace, and we have to make dinner."

Lexie took her aunt's hand, "Aunt Shonda, can we have _basketti_  an' meatballs?"

"We can have spaghetti and meatballs. We better say goodbye to your new friends so we can go make dinner, and they can go to dinner too."

"Bye Alex! Bye Olivia!" Lexie waved.

* * *

Alex and Olivia strolled leisurely, hand in hand, down the newly refurbished Steeplechase Pier at Coney Island. The old pier had been severely damaged due to Hurricane Sandy, and had reopened just last month. Vanessa had mentioned to Liv, after her therapy session with Doctor Lindstrom earlier today, that she and Alan had spent some time at Coney Island the day before and that Olivia and Alex should take some time to see it. And seeing Olivia had promised Alex that they'd take Betty for a spin during their last date, they found themselves in Brooklyn after their dinner. Olivia had commented before dinner that she had been certain that Alex would have picked Amy as her final choice for Brianna's first name. Alex replied that she had been convinced that Olivia would have chosen Sophie. But neither could change their minds now, nor did either woman voice their similar thoughts that perhaps... one day... those names that hadn't been chosen could be used for other... purposes.

At the Italian restaurant, they were to be seated in the main dining area like they usually were, but were thankfully reseated towards the rear of the restaurant to be closer to the restrooms for Olivia after Liv asked. Being reseated where they were also afforded them more privacy, which they were both thankful for. Alex had wanted to sample the chef's special of crab stuffed calamari on a bed of linguine, but opted for the roast pumpkin and ricotta ravioli, much to Olivia's relief. Liv chose a simple chicken and vegetable risotto for her main course, and their usual bottle of wine was replaced with a bottle of sparkling mineral water. Olivia said to Alex that if the blonde wanted a glass of wine with dinner, she wouldn't care. Alex responded that if Olivia wouldn't be drinking, neither would she. A serving of panna cotta with raspberry coulis, and a serve of peanut butter chocolate tiramisu were shared for dessert... although Alex got to sample the tiramisu a lot more then she expected. She figured it must have had something to do with sly  _'just friends'_  comment.

"I don't think the waitress appreciated my necklace," Alex commented, adjusting the pasta necklace slightly.

"I can't believe you wore it."

"Why not? I told Lexie I would, just like you've kept her rubber band bracelet on."

"I just... I didn't think you'd do something like that."

Alex paused under one of the lamps near the railing, "Liv, if our daughter made a macaroni, drinking straw or milk bottle lids necklace, a rubber band bracelet or potato chip packet shrinky dink earrings and asked me to wear them when we went out to dinner, I'd wear them. I remember making things like that for my mother and she wore them with pride. Some of her friends thought she looked ridiculous, but she didn't care. She wanted to make me happy."

"Unfortunately, my mother wasn't like that. I'd make her things and she'd say she'd wear them later... she never would, or she'd wear them for just a few minutes to please me for a moment. I remember one time, I was probably about the same age as Lexie, Mom got quite angry at me for wasting pasta on something trivial like a necklace, because she'd spent all the grocery money on vodka... I ate the uncooked pasta that I'd used to make the necklace for dinner after she passed out," Olivia's voice cracked at the memory. Alex's arms were around her immediately as she blinked away the threatening tears, before resting her chin on Alex's shoulder. "So if our daughter ever makes us pasta necklaces, I'm wearing them with pride too."

They remained in each others arms for a time before Olivia began to hum _'Lady in Red'_ , each gently swaying and shuffling around in a small circle, thankful that the pier was currently quite deserted of locals and tourists at this time of year. Sure, there were other people along the pier, but they were few and far between. Doing something like this in the summer months would result in leering men, wolf whistles, cat calls and offers to 'join in'.

"Can I ask you something?" Liv asked, continuing to slowly dance with Alex.

"Of course."

"Do you have  _any_  regrets?"

"What do you mean?"

"In your life... what you've done in the past... do you have any regrets? And if you could change anything, would you?"

Alex pondered the question thoughtfully for some time before answering, "I regret going after Zapata... No, let me rephrase that. I regret not staying with you when you offered, I  _don't_  regret going after Zapata... I regret telling my  _supposed_  best friend in high school that I was bisexual. I trusted her, and she and the entire class made my life hell in senior year... I regret not telling you that I was in love with you before I entered WPP... I regret not keeping my promise to tell you the moment I left WPP... I regret not telling you that I was in love with you when I returned from the ICC... I also regret getting bangs. _That_  was a bad decision on my behalf... But in all honesty, I don't think I'd go back and change any of it."

"Why not?"

"Who's to say we'd be standing here right now having this very conversation? Would we still be dancing around our feelings? Would you be in your 3rd trimester? I doubt we'd be friends with Vanessa, Alan, Melanie and Kelly. So, I'll throw the same question back at you... what do you regret?"

"I regret not telling you that I loved you before you were shot and presumed dead... I regret getting bangs too."

Alex pulled back, "You had bangs?! When was this?"

"After being undercover as Persephone James with those eco-warriors in Oregon, I needed a change. I remember how different you looked with them, so when I came back, I got bangs. Never again though... never,  _ever_  again."

"I second that statement," Alex resumed holding Olivia as she had been.

"I regret outing a football star. Me of all people should know what that's like... I also regret Kurt Moss, urgh!... I sometimes regret running my DNA through the kinship analysis and finding out that Simon was my half brother... I regret  _our_  fight when you first came back to SVU... I regret not sweeping you up in my arms and kissing you at the airport when you returned from the ICC."

Alex murmured, "I wanted to run into your arms, wrap my legs around you and shower you with kisses so badly."

"At the time, I regretted sleeping with Brian one last time... but not now, not with our daughter on the way... I regret going to my apartment instead of going down to the DA's office and taking you to dinner back in May... But you know what? After  _everything_  that's happened, especially in these last 6 months, even all the bad stuff and the stuff I don't whether happened or not, there's one thing I  _don't_  regret."

"What's that?"

"This," Olivia tilted her head and captured Alex's lips in a slow, gentle kiss. Neither hungry or demanding, but a tender and loving reminder of their love and how far they had come in their relationship since Olivia had been found.

Alex smiled into the kiss, "I definitely  _don't_  regret that either!"

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Let's get out of here... Take Betty for more of a drive before we call it a night."

"I like the way you think."

* * *

As both women returned to were the Mustang was parked, 2 males in their early 20's, in a white Porsche 911 Carrera Cabriolet with the roof off were admiring the vintage car with the canvas roof on beside them.

"The dude that owns that car must know his cars!" the passenger said.

The driver replied, "It looks a sweet ride. I'd love to shake the dude's hand for having such a kick ass car! No homo though."

" _Definitely_  no homo."

But they changed their attitudes when they saw Olivia and Alex unlock and enter the vehicle.

"You're fucking kidding me! A  _woman_?! Bitch probably stole her husband's keys after she made him a sandwich!" the driver guffawed, giving the passenger a high five.

"Or they both did slutty things like the sluts that they are to afford a car like that!"

"Bet you she don't even know how to get it out of first gear."

"Should teach them how use a stick shift... tag team style!"

"Stick 'em in all their slutty-"

Without saying a word to the unwarranted, vile and childish comments being bandied about, Olivia roared the engine, threw the car into reverse and sped away with a screech.

"Assholes," Liv muttered under her breath. She turned her attention back to Alex, "Where do you want to go, sweetheart?"

"Nowhere in particular, but as far away from those  _creatures_  as possible."

"How about we head for home but take a long route?"

"Go via... Queens?"

"Sounds like a plan to me," Liv pulled up at the traffic light, but a moment later heard honking and jeering from the vehicle beside them. "Oh, you have  _got_  to be kidding me!

"C'MON YOU HOES!" the passenger yelled as the driver revved the Porsche.

"Are they serious?" Olivia turned to Alex.

"Liv, let it go. They are just testosterone filled little boys in Daddy's car that are butthurt-"

" _Butthurt_?!" Olivia snorted.

"Isn't that what the kids call it these days when they're pissed off about something? I'm sure I heard that term recently."

Liv checked her mirrors and smirked, "Alex, do you trust me?"

"Of course I do! But-"

"I need driving music!" Olivia pressed the CD player, the familiar guitar riff began as the brunette revved her Mustang's engine.

"Liv, you're  _pregnant_! Don't do this!"

"Let's show these  _butthurt_  little pricks a thing or 2 about driving."

Olivia checked her mirrors and revved again, and received a long rev in response.

The lights changed and the Porsche took off at high speed, whereas Olivia accelerated with caution. Mere moments later, an NYPD Highway Patrol Police motorcycle with its lights flashing and sirens wailing took off after the Porsche, resulting in a hearty laugh from both women.

"How did-"

Olivia reached a hand over and brought Alex's hand up of her lips, "Saw the motor officer in the mirror, and I know there's a precinct nearby... the 60th, I think. Besides, I had  _no_  intention of racing those little bastards whatsoever. The speed limit's 30 miles around here, and at the speed that car was travelling, I think he'll have his licence suspended... if it's not already."

Both women continued laughing as they passed the now pulled over Porsche and the NYPD Highway Patrol Police officer obviously asking for licence and registration papers.

* * *

"Did y'have nightmare?" Alex yawned, checking the bedside clock.

2.35am.

They had returned home from their date about 4 hours earlier, crossed off Sophie and Amy from their respective sides of the list and snuggled in bed before going to sleep.

Olivia kissed Alex's shoulder, "No nightmare. I'm just going to the bathroom. Go back to sleep, sweetie. I didn't mean to wake you."

Alex made a small noise in acknowledgement before burying herself under the blankets.

After using the bathroom, Olivia didn't return to bed. Instead she wrapped herself in her fluffy towelling robe and headed for the office. She quietly removed the NYPD folder from the drawer and took it to the spare bedroom. Sitting down on the spare bed, Olivia opened the folder and scattered the contents into various piles before picking out one of the Sergeants exams and one of the main rape crisis counselling booklets. She took both and shifted to the nursing chair. She took her time to read through both, her eyes glancing to the rubber band bracelet on her right wrist from time to time. After almost an hour and a half of reading and rereading all the different exams, booklets and pamphlets, Liv placed the papers back on the bed before returning to the chair.

She rested hands on her stomach and began gently rocking in the nursing chair, "What do you think,  _Oey_? Can you help Mommy decide? Can you let me know which one you think is the right decision for me... for  _us_."

Olivia began reciting the choices in her mind, over and over again, until baby Brianna moved sharply.

"You think that's what Mommy should do?"

The baby moved again.

Liv smiled at the choice, "I think so too. We need to go and tell Mama."

* * *

"Alex?"

"Mmm?"

"Alex."

"Huh-wha?"

"Can we talk?"

"It's..." Alex searched for the bedside clock, Olivia pressed up against the blonde's back, "... 4.20 in the morning."

"I know, and I'm sorry, but I really need to talk to you. It's important."

Alex rolled over to face Olivia, a single bedside light illuminating the brunette's side of the bed. "Wha... what about?"

"My job. I've made a decision, and I want to talk to you about it."

Alex yawned, "Alright."

"Do you mean what you've said? That's you'll support  _whatever_  decision I make?"

"Of course I mean it. Whatever you decide, I'll support it 100%."

"Good... good. It's just that after everything that's happened to me and Nessa... and we're going to be Moms in a few short months... I've done a lot of thinking these, especially tonight, and I've decided that the best thing for me is to become a rape crisis counsellor. Are you alright with that?"

Alex felt her heart sink a little. She had been sure... hoped... that Olivia would return to SVU, especially after the interview with little Lexie Henderson only hours earlier. She had been the only one to get that little girl to open up about what had happened to her. If it hadn't had been for Olivia, would they still be questioning her? Would Tyrone still be taking 'happy snaps' of that innocent victim? But after everything Olivia had been through during those 128 days, she understood why Olivia was going to walk away.

"I'm alright with that. I told you I would respect whatever decision you'd make... and I know for a fact that you'll be just as good of a rape crisis counsellor as you were as an SVU detective."

"I'm glad you support my decision. It means a lot to me to have your support..." Olivia pressed a tiny kiss to Alex's lips, "... because I'm going to sit the Sergeants exam, and do one more year at SVU to catch up for the year I've missed after giving birth and taken maternity leave. I'm going help with the transition seeing Cragen and Munch are retiring, before I retire on  _my_  terms... and  _then_  become a rape crisis counsellor."

"You mean?!"

"15 years at SVU sounds like the right number of years for me... I want to watch our daughter grow up and not miss those special milestones in her life because I'm pulling a body out of the East River... or getting calls at 3 in the morning and then I don't see her or you for the next 3 days... or I'm running on autopilot because I haven't slept in 48 hours other than a quick nap in the crib. I saw what that did to Elliott over the years, and I don't want to do that. I want us to be able to go on vacations... go and visit Mel and Kelly up in Maine, Alan too... I want us to go to Paris one day... see other parts of the world too... but I also want to give Ed Tucker the ultimate and most satisfying  _'fuck you'_  by declaring our relationship to the NYPD and the DA's office."

"I think the decision you've made is the right decision for you," Alex leant forward and kissed the tip of Liv's nose. "Looks like you better start studying for the Sergeants exam then."

"Alex, you know damn well I've been studying."

"Excuse me?" Alex feigned ignorance.

"The rape crisis pamphlets and booklets... the order in which I  _always_  put them in the folder is pink, blue, white, red, green, yellow, grey."

"No it's not. The order is pink, blue, white, green, red, yellow, grey."

"How would you know the order if you've never opened the folder?" Olivia asked teasingly.

Alex smiled sheepishly.

"I could also hear you in the hall when I was in the lounge or at the dining table... and I left the folder out on purpose the morning you presented your  _ass_  to me."

"What about the other times you left the folder out?"

"There were other times?!" Olivia asked with a hint of uncertainly before smiling, "Just kidding. The first time was, but I wasn't sure if I was affected by baby brain or not. So I left it out a couple more times to see what you'd do.  _Thankyou_  for letting me make the decision at my own pace and not push me to make a decision when I wasn't ready to make it."

Liv chose her next words carefully after a brief pause, "There _is_  one thing I need to talk to Cragen about when I return though."

"What's that?"

"Something that needs to change... and if it can't be changed, I won't return and I'll hand in my resignation letter as promised on December 2."


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See if you can spot the very slightly altered 'Internal Affairs' quote ;-)

_"Hello?"_

"Good morning, Mel! FYI: you're on speaker," Liv placed her cell phone on the dining table while she and Alex ate breakfast.

_"Good morning, New York ladies! What's with this unscheduled Tuesday morning call? Do you miss me already? Or has something happened? Oh no, Liv, have you gone into premature labour?!"_

"Yes, we miss you already. But no, nothing like that has happened, so stop panicking!" Alex placated the Winthrop Sheriff.

_"Oh, thank god!"_ Mel replied, the relief audible over the phone.

"We just thought we'd let you know that we narrowed down baby names last night, so we're down to the final 2 options."

_"Ah, so you've both finally told each other that your choices were Chloe and Zoë? About time."_

Olivia and Alex looked at each other simultaneously, "You told Mel?!"

_"Now ladies, no getting upset at each other. Neither of you could keep your choices under wraps and were bursting to tell **someone**. That someone just happened to be  **moi**!"_

Alex asked, "Dare we ask if you've 'accidentally' told Kelly yet?"

_"As I promised both of you, I kept the names you each chose to myself... although I was quite tempted to tell Kel around an hour ago when she called me. But now you've both **officially** told me, I'll let her know when she contacts me again... screw it, I'll text her and let her know ASAP."_

"You do that with our blessing," the ADA said before sipping her coffee.

Olivia added, "You can also let Kelly know that I'll be returning to SVU for another year after maternity leave before I become a rape crisis counsellor."

_"Thought you were putting in your papers, Benson?"_

"I was, but I did a  _lot_  of thinking last night... and the decision I've made is the right one for me."

_"That's great news to hear! I'll be sure to let Kelly know that as well."_

"It all hinges on a certain proviso though," Liv commented.

_"Oh? Which is?"_

Liv explained the condition to Melanie, which she had already told Alex last night.

Melanie replied, _"Olivia, if I were your superior officer at SVU, or if you were with the Sheriff's Department up here in Winthrop, I would agree to that term. No hesitation."_

"Let's just hope my Captain thinks the same as you and Alex do," said Olivia.

_"For the short time I spent with Don up here after you were found, he seemed a fair and reasonable man. And what you're asking as a condition to return, it's not an unreasonable request."_

"I guess I'll find out after this morning's therapy session," Liv mused.

* * *

"Those are  _my_  terms for returning to SVU and sitting the Sergeants exam, Captain." Olivia stated as she sat opposite Don Cragen inside his office on the 6th floor. Even though the squad room was currently empty, the blinds in his office were tilted for privacy. She added after a pause, "While it's not an unreasonable request, it's  _not_  negotiable either."

Don sat back on his chair, "And if I can't grant that... specific request?"

The brunette opened the Sergeants exam folder, removing the resignation letter. She then took a pen from the desk set and signed it with determination before sliding the letter across the desk.

Olivia spoke as Don picked up the letter, "Then I stand by what I wrote in that resignation letter the day you gave me this Sergeants exam folder. It might be dated that I'll resign December 2, but you and I both know it will be effective immediately."

Cragen read the letter thoroughly, "You're serious?"

"I have never been more serious in my career than I am right now. If you can't or won't grant me this one request, I'll have no hesitation to clear out my desk the moment I set foot outside this office. I can't return to SVU any other way, Cap."

Rereading the letter, Don pondered his options before placing the letter in the paper shredding machine beside his desk. Both Olivia and Don showed no emotions as the machine quickly destroyed the piece of paper into dozens of enlongated strands that fell into the catcher. Cragen opened the desk drawer and placed the newly reissued detective's shield on top of the desk, "You'll need this as identification to sit the Sergeants exam on December 2... Welcome back to SVU."

Liv made no effort to take the gold shield, "I also have to officially remind you once again that I'm in a relationship with ADA Cabot... and she is informing Bureau Chief Cutter and the DA's Office of her relationship status some time today. I don't want any chances of anyone coming back with calls of bias or impropriety of anything I investigate, when I return permanently of course, that goes to court and Alex is the prosecuting ADA."

"As I said previously, your relationship won't 'officially' be registered with the NYPD until December 2, as per your official return date. But thankyou for the reminder."

"I also have therapy twice a week, and ultrasounds needed every other week, but I'll try my best to schedule those  _after_  work hours. I'll take my maternity leave as at January 3 2014, just in case I deliver early. That'll give me 4 weeks work... excluding the Sergeants exam."

"You'll also take Christmas Day and New Year's Eve off, that's an  _order_. Is there anything else?"

Olivia shook her head in the negative, pocketing the gold shield into her leather jacket inner breast pocket.

* * *

Cragen was waiting in the squad room as the SVU team exited the elevator simultaneously. Tutuola and Rollins had returned from court, whereas Munch, Amaro and Dumas had just arrived back from Washington Heights, "Listen up people. We have an additional detective joining SVU on December 3... we will continue rotating partners until further notice however."

A heavy silence descended over the 4 detectives and the seasoned sergeant, each member thinking the same thing.

"Team, it's ok. Nothing changes... except what has to," Don said simply. He knew that they were all thinking that the true heart of SVU wasn't returning, and some upstart 'wet behind the ears' detective was joining them. "For the record: Fin, you'll be partnered with Rollins... Munch and Amaro will now be teamed up... and Dumas, your new partner..."

Cragen tapped on the glass of his office door and waited. There were audible gasps from the SVU members as they saw who exited.

"Hey Doom," Olivia gave a small wave.

"Benson! Alright! C'mere partner!" Doom crossed the squad room and gave Olivia his usual warm bear hug.

Don called out as he returned to his office to answer the ringing telephone, "Amaro, Dumas... swap desks by the end of your shifts."

Olivia could see Nick hanging back as John, Amanda and Fin each welcomed her back with open arms after ending her embrace with Doom. She expected this reaction from Amaro. Sullen, sulky and petulant... almost a carbon copy of Elliott Stabler sometimes.

"Fin, are you wanting a study partner for the next 2 weeks?" Liv asked ending their hug.

"As long as our bet still stands!" Fin raised his fist.

Olivia bumped her fist against his, "You better believe it! Come over tonight if you can, or let me know your current hours and we'll work something out."

"Cabot's apartment, right?"

" _Our_  apartment," Olivia corrected.

"FIN! ROLLINS! Get down to Tribeca," Don handed over a piece of paper with more details of a new case. "An elderly woman has been found in Albert Capsouto Park... unconscious and naked from the waist down."

Amanda took the note from Cragen, "An SVU Detective's work is never ending. See what you'd have missed, Liv."

"Like a hole in the head," Olivia retorted with a laugh.

As Fin and Amanda departed, Nick approached. "Can we talk?"

He didn't wait for a reply from Olivia as he headed for the Juvenile Interview Room. She hoped his reaction to this news wouldn't reflect the room's official title.

* * *

"I thought you said we were cool last night?" Nick paced back and forth as Olivia closed the door, the hurt in his voice audible.

Liv confirmed, "We  _are_  cool."

"I find that a little hard to believe  _now_.  _We_  are partners, Liv!  _You_  and  _me_."

"We  _were_. I made it clear to Cragen that the one condition for me to return to SVU was that you and I weren't partners any longer."

Amaro folded his arms across his chest, "So what we said last night to each other was just bullshit? You don't forgive me at all, do you?"

"Nick, I  _do_  forgive you. But we  _can't_  be assigned work partners... not in the forseeable future anyway. Last night, we  _both_  admitted we lost trust in each other... me holding a gun to the back of your head was the catalyst, and you accusing me of cheating and not able to trust me to tell Alex what happened with Mel compounded it. We both know that once that trust is lost in a working partnership, it takes a long time to regain it...  _if ever_. Don't get me wrong, you are a  _great_  detective and a hell of a partner, but this was not negotiable for me. I don't want to find myself in a situation again where I don't see  _Detective Nick Amaro_  but instead I see a tallish, dark haired, well built man... and I pull the trigger. If I'm partnered with someone else, I doubt very much I'll have that moment where I'm questioning my judgement, or Alex isn't there to talk me down... or if something happens and IAB's called in and you're questioning or doubting if what I've told you is the truth or not. Fin and Amanda are great partners, and I know you and Munch have a fantastic rapport. You saved my life up at Hammond Island Wildlife Reserve and you'd only been at SVU just on 6 months. Nick, I feel so privileged and honoured to have had you as my partner these last couple of years, and maybe one day before I retire I'll get to have that honour again... but for the time being, Doom will be my partner at SVU."

"So, you're not asking for a new partner because of what  _I_  did?" Nick clarified quietly.

"No, I've requested a new partner because of what  _I_  did. It's not in retaliation, but for me personally, it's the right thing to do. Think of it as... a non-romantic  _'it's not you, it's me'_  parting of ways. We'll still be co-workers, just not assigned work partners. Anyway, I'm not jumping back into work right off the bat. I'm only back at SVU for a month before I take maternity leave, and during that time I'll be on desk duty."

Nick gave a half laugh, "You? Grunt work?"

"Yes, the boring grunt work we all despise doing."

"I got a pile of DD5's sitting on my desk," Nick hitched his thumb over his shoulder, a broad grin suddenly appearing.

"I'm not back at work until December 3, the day after the Sergeants exam, so do your own damn 5's... or save them up for me. Also I'll only be doing soft interviews. I can't carry my gun until I'm recertified and I won't be taking the test until after maternity leave. Now, I'll ask you what you asked me: are we cool?"

Nick held out his hand for Olivia to shake, "We're cool."

Olivia ignored the outstretched hand, instead she hugged Nick. Ending the embrace, Liv asked, "You want to update me on the latest conspiracy Munch has going?"

Amaro snorted as they both headed for the door, "He's got this idea that there could be something going on between Dumas and Barba. I told John he's crazy!"

Doom had already placed his box of meagre possessions on Amaro's old desk as Nick and Olivia reentered the bullpen, "I didn't touch any of your stuff, Amaro... but Munch took the liberty of packing the contents of your desk drawers. Well, more like upending the drawers into the boxes."

"John!" Nick scowled, seeing the mess inside the boxes.

Munch shrugged, "Just thought I'd save you some time...  _partner_."

As Nick began placing the items from on top of his desk in the box, Liv whispered to John, "Want to hear a new romantic conspiracy that been brewing for some time?"

John curiosity was piqued, "Do tell."

"Nick and Amanda."

"That's not new, per se. That rumour's been circulating for a while. Now Barba and Doom-"

Olivia cut the Sergeant off, "But that's the thing, John.  _Not_  a rumour any longer. Nick  _told_  me last night that he  _likes_  Amanda."

"Really?!"

"Yes, really... so leave Doom and Barba alone. Got it?" Olivia gave the Sergeant a pointed look.

"Got it," John gave a quick nod in understanding. He then rubbed his hands together and grinned broadly, "Which portmanteau is better? Amarollins? or Rollaro?"

Olivia patted Munch on the back, "That, my friend, is up to you."

"I'm really going enjoy having Amaro as my partner now... Just as much as we love having you back on the team. Welcome back, Olivia."

* * *

Taking a break from quizzing each other with multiple choice questions, Olivia placed a fresh cup of coffee down in front of Fin, "How's Ken and Alejandro?"

"Still engaged, but it looks like they're going to get married some time in the new year. They're even talking about maybe having kids in the future. Ken seems to be leaning towards a surrogate, whereas Alejandro is more towards adoption."

Liv laughed, "I can see it now: Grandpa Fin. Maybe Poppy Fin... No, wait... G-Dawg Fin."

"Oh don't you start. I already feel old seeing Ken'll be 30 in February. Even though we've had our ups and downs over the years and have had a strained relationship for most of it, I can't believe I'll have been a father for 30 years."

"I'm still coming to terms that I'll be a Mom some time in the next few months."

"I think  _Mama_  Benson suits you, Liv."

"Mommy," Liv corrected. "Alex is Mama."

"So you and Cabot are serious?"

"Oh yeah, very serious... Ken and Alejandro serious."

Fin was surprised, "You're engaged?!"

"Not yet, but before the end of the year I'll be asking Alex to marry me. She already knows I'll be proposing, I just have to work out when exactly."

"I always wondered not _if_ , but  _when_  you and her would get together. I thought you and Alex were getting closer a couple of years ago... you and her both arrived on scene at that rape of the actress during her theatre performance  _very_  quickly. When I asked Alex about being there so early in the game, she just said that she was, and I quote  _'in the neigbourhood'_."

"She told the truth. She was in the neighbourhood...  _we_ were in the neighbourhood. We had gone out to dinner, then went ice skating at Rockerfeller Centre. We were going to go for coffee when I got the call."

"You went on an ice skating  _date_?"

"Yes, but at the time we were calling them nothing more than innocent but friendly 'dinner dates'. Sometimes we'd go to dinner, then the theatre; other times it was dinner, then an art exhibition. That time just happened to be dinner, then ice skating because it was close to the holidays."

December 15, 2011... to be exact.

An idea began to form in Olivia's mind. Even though she would be 7 months pregnant at the time, perhaps revisiting that particular 'dinner date' would be the ideal time to propose? Sure, she wouldn't be able to ice skate being 7 months pregnant, but she could watch Alex from the sides if the ADA wanted to skate for a while. Christmas Day had been her initial plan to propose, but maybe this particular date would be more special? They hadn't arranged their next monthly romantic evening seeing the last one had only occurred the night before, and it would be another hour before Alex would get home from her weekly meeting at the DA's office for dinner.

"Earth to Liv!"

"Huh?" Olivia was pulled from her thoughts as she unconsciously toyed with the rubber band bracelet.

Fin laughed, "You spaced out for a moment."

"Did I? Sorry about that. You just gave me a little food for thought, that's all."

"I did?"

"Thanks Fin."

"Glad I could help?" Fin offered, still a little confused about what he had actually helped with.

* * *

Alex smiled as Olivia's eyes fluttered opened, "It's nice you hear you mumble and murmur my name again in your sleep."

"I was dreaming a wonderful dream... reliving a wonderful time between us," Olivia yawned, taking in her surrounding. She was sitting in the nursing chair in the spare bedroom, the Sergeants exam paperwork scattered on the bed, floor and her lap, and Alex was on the edge of the spare bed. "How long have you been home?"

"Unfortunately, the meeting took a lot longer than anticipated, so only about half an hour. I'm sorry I couldn't get home in time for dinner, but I'm glad you kept it warm for me. How was studying with Fin?"

"It was good. He's worried that he's going to do poorly, or maybe even fail, but I told him I feel the same way seeing I've been out of action for the last 6 months... so to speak. How did Cutter react when you told him about us this morning?"

"He congratulated me. I have a feeling because Mike knew what happened to you and how much your kidnapping affected me helped him accept it more easily, rather than drop an unsuspecting bombshell on him."

"Anyone say anything at the meeting?"

"No. Thankfully the DA's office has become more accepting of same sex relationships since same sex marriage laws were introduced in New York in 2011. It's not like it was when Serena came out to Arthur Branch back in 2005. However, give it a few days and the snide sexuality comments should start filtering out into the open from those close minded people, but I  _don't_  care. The people that matter  _most_... our close friends and co-workers at SVU... accept us, and that's all I care about. How did Nick take the news that you aren't going to be his partner any longer?"

"Once I explained my reason why, he understood."

"Did you talk to Doctor MacKenzie about your decision too?"

"I did. He said that what I decided to do regarding my job was a sensible decision too... not rash or hasty like it was initially. He described it as a kind of... middle ground. He thinks I may have regretted my decision to quit like I was going to, but this way I can ease myself out on my terms, then start the next phase the same way."

Alex stood up, closed the distance between the bed and the nursing chair before leaning down to kiss Olivia as the brunette began shuffling the papers that had remained in her lap.

"What was that for?"

"I have to have a reason to kiss you?"

"Definitely not," Liv shook her head. She began to protest when Alex took the exam papers from her grasp.

"No more studying tonight. I'd like to catch up on some 'you and me time' seeing I got home late. Maybe snuggle like we did last night after our date?"

Olivia got to her feet while the blonde placed the papers back in the folder, "I like the sound of some you and me time. Speaking of our romantic evening last night... seeing as though you arranged the dinner, I'd like to arrange the next one."

Alex slipped her hand in Olivia's as she switched the light off and headed for the master bedroom, "That's fair enough. When?"

"How about the middle of December? I think I'd like to relive a dinner date we had a few years back."

"That sounds very  _specific_ ," Alex switched on the master bedroom light.

"You'll just have to wait to find out closer to the date, won't you?" Olivia replied as she excused herself to use the bathroom. Upon her return, she sat down on Alex's side of the bed beside the blonde, "Now, about this you and me time. I certainly liked snuggling last night."

"I did too. It was the perfect way to end the evening. Just holding each other in bed... do you want to do that again?"

"Maybe later, but not right now."

"So what is it you want to do right now?"

"Make out... take another step."

"We can do that."

Liv's voice became quieter, "I know we've been making out braless lately, and I really, really like that we do... but I want to do these steps right. Can we have shirts off, pants off, but bras and panties still on? I-I mean, maybe after a while we take our bras off? But just for the beginning, we leave them on?"

"However you want to take these steps, Olivia." Alex's smile was coy, "Besides, I think making out in just bras and panties is a wonderful idea seeing I'm wearing a new matching set."

"You are?"

"You'll find out soon enough," Alex lightly caressed Liv's cheek while brushing her thumb over the brunette's lips. "Now, your safe words?"

"My safe words are  _wait_ ,  _yellow_ ,  _amber_...  _stop_ ,  _red_  and  _cease_."

"And?"

"And we always want to end each session on a positive," Olivia said before shifting her head to press a kiss to Alex's thumb resting by the corner of her mouth.

The brunette asked that Alex straddle her thighs like last time they had made out, as that position was more comfortable for her with her feet starting to swell. She unbutton the maternity belt extender, slid her jeans off and positioned herself in the middle of the bed like last time with her button down shirt still on. Her legs had suffered cuts and cigarette burns, but nowhere near as bad as her upper body, and was thankful they were still smooth from shaving them before their date last night. She watched as Alex made a show of facing away to remove her suit pants before bending over to pick them up off the floor and hang them over the bed end. A hint of ultramarine blue satin boy shorts with black lace edging peeked out from the hem of her dark blouse.

"Tease!"

"I was wondering if you'd chastise me for presenting my ass!" Alex crawled onto the bed, carefully straddling Olivia's thighs but keeping her weight on her own knees.

In this position, the jagged self inflicted scars on Alex's thighs were pale yet prominent than ever to Olivia. She noticed they were the same shade in colour as the puckered bullet scar that marred her currently covered shoulder as she rested her hands on Alex's outer thighs.

"You can touch them," Alex encouraged gently, dispelling any concern the brunette may have of doing so. Olivia couldn't help but tear up a little while her right thumb brushing back and forth along a somewhat horizontal, thin scar.

"Liv?" Alex could see the emotions flitting over Olivia's features.

"Sweetie, you've been so good to me... been here for me, and I wasn't there for you when you needed me."

"Oh, baby. You would have been there for me had you known, wouldn't you?"

"Absolutely," Olivia almost whimpered.

Alex brushed a lock of hair back behind Liv's ear, "That's all either of us need to know. Neither of us can change what happened in our pasts, but we both know we'll be there for each other  _now_... every step of the way."

Olivia gave a smile as she nodded, " _Every_  step of the way."

"Don't  _ever_  forget that," the ADA reminded Liv as her lips against the brunette's.

Mouths and tongues slowly became reacquainted as each woman began to unbutton the other's shirt, each parting the material open before removing their own shirt. True to her word, Alex was wearing a matching ultramarine blue satin bra with black lace edging. Olivia, on the other hand, was clad in pink cotton boy shorts and a beige bandeau bra that was beginning to show signs that it was struggling to contain her growing breasts. Proper maternity bras would be needed in the not to distant future. Hands and fingertips caressed and traversed curves and skin, but purposely avoided what was covered by underwear. Alex's hands paused below Liv's scapula scars until Olivia let her know that she was ready to let them be touched.

"What?" Alex asked as Liv smiled into the current kiss.

Resting her left hand on Alex's right hip, Olivia used the pad of her thumb to draw a light circle over the top of the material, "Your tattoo is right...  _there_."

"One of them, yes."

Alex grinned as she watched Olivia attempt to comprehend what she had just said. The brunette's mouth opened and closed a number of times as if to ask something but never doing so.

"Liv, are you alright?"

"Did... did you say...  _one_  of them?" Liv questioned.

"Uh-huh."

"Y-you... have...  _another_  tattoo?"

"Uh-huh."

"Where?" Liv croaked. She didn't know why, but there was something very alluring to her about tattoos on Alex.

"On the other side... right here," Alex guided Olivia's right thumb to brush low on her left hip.

"When?"

"I got it after I came back from my ICC tenure. Apart from myself and the tattoo artist, noone else has ever seen it. You will be the only other person that  _ever_  sees it."

Olivia shifted both thumbs back up to Alex's hips, "W-what is it?"

Alex just smirked as she shrugged her shoulders.

The brunette's eyes lingered on the area before taking a guess, "Is... is it another peace sign?"

"No, but it goes hand in hand with peace."

"Is it a dove with an olive branch?"

"I thought about that, but decided against it. Though, in a way, I can see both of my tattoos as representing you and me."

"Not my badge number?"

"No. I had considered that too, but it would have been a little presumptuous of me seeing we weren't together when I got the tattoo. I guess in a way I had that little speck of hope that one day we  _might_... but this way if we hadn't, it still made sense to me, because both of these tattoos can also represent 2 quotes that mean a lot to me. Now, if a _police officer_  might be deemed to be the keeper of peace..." Alex lowered the waistband of the right side of her underwear just enough to reveal the peace sign before covering it again, then moving to the left side, "... a  _lawyer_  might be deemed the keeper of?"

"Justice?" Liv offered.

Alex lowered the waistband on the left side to reveal a simple Scales of Justice tattoo low on her left hip. Perfectly balanced, not leaning to one side or the other, and no bigger than the peace sign on her right hip.

"What are the quotes?" Olivia asked as Alex covered the tattoo back over.

"The first quote is one my father and Uncle Bill both had engraved on plaques on their desks when I was a young girl. President Eisenhower said during the Suez Crisis:  _'Peace and justice are two sides of the same coin'_. The other quote I read during high school was said by Jane Addams, the first American woman to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize. She said,  _'True peace is not merely the absence of war, it is the presence of justice'_. Those quotes are kind of what lead me to follow in Uncle Bill's footsteps and become a lawyer. I had been contemplating getting the other tattoo before WPP, but that went out the window once I was in the program. At one point early on, the Marshals even suggested that Emily Richards get the peace tattoo lasered off. I told them what they could do with  _that_  suggestion."

Olivia couldn't help but bark out a small laugh at the mental imagery.

"After I came back from the ICC, I finally decided to get the other tattoo." Alex added after a brief pause, "What do you think?"

"I think... as much as I want to lick that tattoo right now...  _both_  tattoos right now, I'll wait until we move towards being intimate like that. Until then..."

Without breaking eye contact, Olivia kissed the pad of her right thumb before slipping it beneath Alex's waistband and brushing it over the newly discovered body art, causing Alex to moan with desire.


	53. Chapter 53

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The dates given regarding NYPD Captain and Lieutenants exams in this chapter are/were correct. The actual Sergeants exam for NYPD was October 19, 2013 but I knew that date wasn't able to be used seeing it was too close to when Liv was rescued, hence why I made it December 3 in the story :-).

"C'mon, stay a little longer!" Elliott implored as Olivia shrugged into her jacket. "Look at all the food Kathy, Maureen and Kathleen cooked. We're going to have leftovers for a week!"

Olivia laughed, "El, with the number of Stablers and the few extra boyfriends and girlfriend that Maureen, Kathleen, Lizzy and Richard have, I doubt that very much."

Alex added, "We would love to stay longer Elliott, but we're having a small Thanksgiving dinner with Gloria, Joe, Rafael, and Gloria's new gentleman friend this evening."

"Gentleman friend?" Kathy said as she headed for the kitchen.

Liv called out, "Doom says Gloria told him that he's new to the retirement home and they became more acquainted on the last coach tour upstate. So she's invited him the join us for dinner seeing Doom and Barba have had Thanksgiving lunch with Barba's family."

Kathy reappeared with a round, flat dish covered with foil, "Here. Take this pecan pie for your dessert."

"We can't do that, Kathy."

"Yes, you can. We still have a sweet potato and a pumpkin to get through," insisted Kathy as she handed the pie to Olivia.

"As least it'll survive the journey back to the Upper East Side being  _pecan_ ," Alex retorted with a chuckle, resulting in a glare from Liv.

* * *

"Glitter tits! Cabot and Benson are here!" Doom called out as he headed for the brownstone door.

" _Joseph_!" Rafael chastised, closing the oven. "You  _promised_  to behave!"

"Rafi, I promised I'd behave  _when_  they got here. Not before though," Joe said with a cheeky grin. He smiled broadly when he opened the door to greet Alex and Olivia, "Ladies! Happy Thanksgiving! How's my little  _Oey_?"

"Happy Thanksgiving!  _Oey's_  great, Doom. We had our regular Thursday appointment yesterday for obvious reasons, and we brought the DVD with us. We know how Gloria's always wanting to see her each time we catch up," Olivia replied as she and Alex placed their coats on the stand by the door.

Joe took the round dish from Alex's grasp, "Mom's not here yet, so you'll have to wait to show her."

Olivia was surprised, "Not here yet? Gloria's always early."

"Tell me about it. I think this new gentleman friend is a bad influence on her," Joe replied with a laugh while he indicated for them all to head for the kitchen.

"You don't like him?" Alex asked as she and Olivia greeted Rafael with hugs and 'Happy Thanksgivings' and Joe placed the pie on the bench.

Joe shrugged, "I dunno. I've never met the guy and I don't know his name either. All I know from Mom is that he's moved up from Florida; he lost his wife some years ago; his 4 children are in various part of the US and the world which is why Mom's invited him for Thanksgiving; and he seems to be making her happy. If he makes her happy, then I'm happy for her. She's been alone for some time after she and Dad got divorced."

Rafael handed Joe his bottle of imported beer, "I hope you don't mind some Cuban inspired Thanksgiving dinner and side dishes courtesy of the Barba family. My nearly 90 year old  _abuelita_ tends to go overboard each year and she thinks I'm not eating enough home cooked meals, so she made a few extra dishes especially for our dinner."

"Like?" Alex asked, wrapping an arm around Olivia's waist.

" _Lechón Asado... Pavo relleno con congrí... Sorullitos de maíz... Fufú de plátano..._ and traditional green bean casserole."

Joe pouted, "Rafi, I love when you speak Spanish, but you know I didn't pay attention in class. You had to translate everything your family was saying to me."

"Perhaps you should've listened is class?" Rafael retorted.

"Perhaps if the teacher had been as handsome as yourself, I  _might_  have! But I gotta say, the moustache Señorita González had was mighty impressive! It definitely put my high school peach fuzz to shame!"

Rafael mock sighed, "We're having Roast Pork; Turkey with a orange and herbed marinade, stuffed with rice and black beans; deep fried corn meal sticks, plantain fufu, and the last one I don't have to translate."

"What was that fufu one again?" Joe asked, searching his memory.

"Cuban comfort food," Rafael simply said. He wasn't sure how Joe would react to the thought of eating not as sweet cooking bananas, onions, garlic, salt, pepper and lemon juice. Most people recoiled at the very thought of those foods combined when they were told what 'fufu' was. But when they were told it was just comfort food...

"Oh yeah! That mash was  _soooooo_  good!" Doom indicted both women, "You gotta make sure you try some of it."

"Ladies, what would you like to drink?" asked Rafael.

Alex turned to Olivia, "Do you mind if I have one?"

"Not at all, sweetheart."

"I'll have gin and tonic if you've got it, thankyou."

"I can make that." Rafael turned to Olivia, "Liv?"

"Umm... a juice of some sorts will be fine."

"Would cranberry juice be 'Thanksgiving-y' enough for you?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"Rafi? What was your granny saying about my arms as we left?" Doom asked.

"I don't remember," Rafael brushed aside the comment as he poured Alex's drink.

"Sure you do. She grabbed my biceps and squeezed them, said something about them, then you were all... kinda weird."

Barba avoided eye contact, "My  _abuelita_ commented on your  _músculos_."

"My muscles, see! Was she impressed with my 'guns' or something?" Joe flexed his left arm.

"Well..." Rafael handed Alex her drink, "... she asked me if your biceps were indicative of your other..." he kept a straight face as he glanced at Joe's crotch, "...muscles."

Alex and Olivia burst into fits of laughter.

Doom covered her face with his hand, "Your granny was asking about my...  _size_?! Geez, Rafi!"

"What can I say? She likes you!" Rafael shrugged.

"By commenting on my  _manhood_?!"

Rafael gave him a pointed look, "I don't know why  _you're_  getting all upset.  _You're_  the one who had no qualms about talking about parts of our sex life in front of his own mother, Olivia and Alex. Joe, you're the first man I've taken to a family gathering that she's commented about like  _that_. I think it's her way of saying that she approves of you... approves of  _us_."

"She approves of me?" Joe asked, almost disbelievingly.

Rafael nodded, "She does. She told me years ago when I came out to her that all she wanted was to see me happy, no matter who I loved... and she said she saw that happiness today."

Olivia and Alex saw the look of love and adoration shared between Rafael and Joe before Doom discreetly kissed Barba near the corner of his mouth. Like Olivia and Alex, Joseph and Rafael weren't ones for overt displays of affection in public, but were comfortable enough with people that knew and accepted their relationship. Each one had their little quirks, Barba with his love of colourful ties, socks, pocket squares and pant braces, and Dumas with his love of sports, rock concerts and different beers. It was those little quirks from both men that complimented each other. Most people assumed Doom was all brawn, and if he had to be like that with perps, he would be. But only those that truly knew Joe Dumas, under all that brawn was a charming and sensitive guy. It was that softness and empathy that hid behind the beef and muscles that helped the child victims open up to him while Olivia had been absent from SVU... and was what Rafael Barba had fallen in love with.

A knock at the door indicated that Gloria had arrived.

"Hey Mom!" Joe greeted his mother with a kiss.

"I apologise for my tardiness, Joe. Happy Thanksgiving!"

Joe looked out the door, but noone else was there. "Where's your gentleman friend? I was looking forward to meeting him."

Gloria's mood darkened, "He's back at the retirement home, and I don't  _ever_  want to see or hear of him again."

Joe closed the door and lead Gloria to the kitchen. Everyone greeted her with hug, a kiss and a 'Happy Thanksgiving'.

"So what the hell happened? I thought you were really liking this guy," Doom asked.

"I was... until we were getting ready to leave to come over here. He stopped me and asked,  _'Is what you've told me about your son true? Is he really one of those homo fags?'_ , then he made a limp wrist gesture and blew me a kiss. I reacted..." Gloria searched for the right word, "... poorly."

"What did you do?" everyone seemed to ask at the same time.

"I, ahh... I slapped him across the face and said in no uncertain terms not to  _ever_  use those terms describe my son or his partner. Another resident at the home called the police... Your old work partner, Sutton, from the 94th Precinct came and let me off with a warning."

Doom rubbed his temple while he shook his head, "Mom!"

"Joe, I know it was the wrong thing to do, and I'm ashamed to say that I used those terms myself when you first came out to me in your early 20's... but  _noone_  will  _ever_  call my son  _those_  terms in  _my_  presence. I am nothing but proud of you, Joseph, and I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than be with a man who's charming towards me but doesn't accept my gay son and his male partner. I shudder to think what he'd have said with regard to the mother of my granddaughter and her female partner. Now, I'd like a stiff scotch to calm me down, I've never had the police question me like that!"

Once Barba had poured the drink, Joe and Rafael let Gloria, Olivia and Alex catch up while they set the table and checked the food for their Thanksgiving dinner.

"How was the ultrasound yesterday?" Gloria asked once they were settled in the leather chesterfields.

Olivia rested her hand on her stomach, "It was good, Gloria.  _Oey_ 's grown more and-"

" _Oey_?"

Alex explained, "We're transitioning from calling her Brianna to  _Oey_  seeing it's down to Zoë or Chloe. Didn't Joe tell you?"

Gloria looked toward the kitchen and raised her voice, "No, he didn't! He told me that he and Olivia will be work partners at SVU, but that's all. Nanna's need to know these things, Joseph!"

"Sorry Mom!... Hey Mom! Brianna's now being called  _Oey_. Now you know, and you can't say I didn't tell you!" Doom gave his mother his patented charming boyish smile.

Gloria just rolled her eyes then focused her attention back to Olivia and Alex as Liv resumed, "We had the ultrasound at the hospital my OBGYN's affiliated with like normal, then Alex and I went up a couple of floors to the birthing suites afterwards and had a tour of the facilities. And before you ask, I'm choosing the birthing suites inside Mount Sinai Roosevelt so if there's any complications, the specialists and medical support are just a floor above."

"Are the facilities nice?"

Alex nodded, "Yes. We like them because not only are they quite modern, we can have a private suite which allows for a partner to stay as well."

"We also like it because I can have up to 2 people in with me during the birth, as well as my OBGYN... but I don't think I want anyone else in helping me other than Alex and my OBGYN at the present time," Liv added, sipping her drink.

"In my opinion, I think less is better. Don't be like when I gave birth to Brian. I was in labour for 28 hours with him, surrounded by nurses and a doctor."

"28 hours?! Don't wish that on me," Olivia blanched at the thought.

"Hope for how long it took me to give birth to Joe instead."

Alex asked, "How long?"

"Just 2 hours... and I gave birth to him alone in the bathroom of the hospital ward after the doctor said I still had several hours to go, not 10 minutes beforehand. A nurse found me a few minutes later... the doctor was shocked to say the least!" Gloria reminisced. "As long as you let  _me_  be the first call you make after the birth of my granddaughter, then I'll be a happy Nanna."

"Gloria, you'll be the first call we make when Olivia's waters break," Alex corrected.

Olivia asked the question that had been niggling her thoughts for a while, "Are you going on any more coach tours, especially in the new year? I'd be disappointed if you were away and I did give birth early."

"The retirement home has another coach tour on December 9 to 15. I'll be going on that one because we'll be going all the way to Ottawa, but that's the last one I'll go on. I want to be home for the holidays and I especially want to see both your faces when you see what I've bought for Brianna...  _Oey_... on my travels. Don't worry, it's just clothing and maybe a special Nanna gift... but you'll both have to wait and find out what it is."

"Ladies! I'm sorry to interrupt, but dinner is ready," Rafael approached and offered his elbow to escort Gloria to the table. Alex stood up and helped Olivia to her feet before they entwined their fingers and followed.

Joe and Rafael sat on one side, Olivia and Alex on the other, with Gloria at the head of the table. Each raised their glass and said, "Happy Thanksgiving!"

* * *

"You nervous?"

"Hell, yeah! You?"

"I'm already peeing enough being pregnant... now I'm peeing even more with how anxious I am to get these exams out of the way!" Liv replied before standing up.

"Where you going?" Fin asked.

"Bathroom."

Tutuloa teased, "You sneaking study notes again?"

"I'm peeing,  _again_. You wanna hold my hand?" Liv retorted with a wink.

Fin waved Olivia away. They had studied together for several evenings at Alex and Olivia's apartment, with Cragen giving Fin from Thanksgiving through to the weekend off to concentrate solely on studying for the Sergeants exam. Exams, to be more accurate. With multiple choice questions devoted to 2 different memory recall photographs, spatial and written comprehension; written exams regarding delegation and giving orders; and even oral exams reacting to mock situations would make up the NYPD Sergeants exam over the next 6 hours with breaks every hour within the Gramercy Park NYPD Academy. Olivia and Fin knew this was their only chance for promotion as the next Sergeants exam wouldn't occur for another 3 years. Captains exams would be next on September 13, 2014 and Lieutenants exams would be April 18, 2015. Fin knew he had a couple more years left in him at SVU, but would he  _want_  to take the exam in 3 years time? Nope, it was now or never.

Olivia reappeared a few minutes later, then she and Fin headed for the desk to find out where each would begin their exam. They had to wait for several other detectives before it was their turn.

"Surname, first name, badge number and precinct, please."

"Tutuola... T-U-T-U-O-L-A... Odafin... O-D-A-F-I-N... Badge number: 3-1-9-8... 16th Precinct," Fin reeled off his information and showed his badge like the other detectives before him.

The male desk clerk typed in the information, "Detective Tutuloa, you will start your exam on... the 7th floor, room 3-0-6. Next!"

"Thanks." Fin turned and gave Olivia a pat on the arm before heading for the elevator, "Good luck, Liv!"

"You too, Fin."

The desk clerk cleared his throat in a sign for them to hurry up, "Surname, first name, badge number and precinct, please."

Olivia flashed her badge, "Benson... B-E-N-S-O-N... Olivia... O-L-I-V-I-A... Badge number: 4-0-1-5... 16th Precinct."

"Detective Benson, you will start your exam on... the 2nd floor, room 5-9. Next!"

Olivia remained where she was, "I'm over 6 months pregnant, so I may need to use the bathroom apart from the designated times during the exams. Is this going to be a problem?"

The desk clerk sighed heavily, "You have a certificate or paperwork from your doctor to  _prove_  it?"

"Yes," Liv said. She felt like adding a snarky comment about having a baby in her uterus and a swelling stomach to prove it, but she held her tongue. She wondered why this NYPD officer was a desk clerk because he had no people skills whatsoever.

"Should anyone need to use the bathroom during any part of the examinations, you'll be escorted to the bathroom by a officer of the same gender and you'll have leave the door open to prove you're not trying to  _cheat_. Same rule applies for  _everyone_  taking any NYPD exams. Next!"

Olivia didn't bother thanking the clerk as she headed for the elevator. She was grateful that she had overcome her fears of being in elevators after what Lewis Williams had done, but she was still cautious. She allowed the other detectives to enter first before she did. She would have preferred to be at the back, but being the last in, she couldn't. Liv turned on an angle so the elevator door and the other occupants of the elevator were all in her vision for the short journey. When the doors opened, Olivia allowed the other detectives to depart first before she exited. It only took a minute to find Room 59 down the corridor.

As Olivia was assigned her desk, she pointed out her pregnancy to the uniformed female Lieutenant, who was a lot more courteous and understanding than the desk clerk. However, even though she said she could see that Liv was pregnant, and understood the need to urinate more seeing she had 3 children of her own, she still had to see the certificate from Olivia's OBGYN for verification. The Lieutenant said she would escort Olivia to the bathroom, should Olivia need to go during this part of the exam, and to just raise her hand.

Olivia sat down at her desk and waited.

A uniformed Captain walked to the front of the room and spoke, "Detectives, on my  _first_  signal, you may turn the exam booklet over and write your name, your badge number, the room number, and your seat number... NOTHING ELSE. You may read the first page ONLY. Read it thoroughly! It is a basic outline of what will happen during this part of the exam and what I am telling you right now. You will be given 5 minutes to do this. At the  _second_  signal, you will have 10 minutes to study the photograph inside the yellow envelope on your desk. This will be the ONLY thing you will look at during those 10 minutes. You CANNOT and WILL NOT not take notes. On the  _third_  signal, you will put the photograph back in the envelope and seal it closed before you may open your exam booklet and answer the questions pertaining to the photograph you just studied. After that, you may continue with the rest of the exam. Anyone disobeying any of the instructions I am giving you or the ones found on the front page of the exam instruction booklet will be disqualified and receive a zero on the entire test! This includes  _writing_  when you're not supposed to,  _reading_  when you're not supposed to. Do I make myself clear?... You may turn the exam booklet over. Good luck!"

Olivia quickly wrote her name, badge, room and seat number on the indicated area before placing her pen down and reading the instructions thoroughly.

There was no turning back now.

* * *

"BENSON! MY OFFICE!" Don bellowed from his office door before he closed it louder than expected.

John looked over at Olivia from his desk and cringed, "Geez, Dad's mad at you!"

"I can't have screwed up anything because I haven't done anything yet! Hell, I've only been back at work..." she looked down at the Breitling watch on left wrist. Today, December 3, was the first time she had put it on since Lewis Williams had removed it. The pink, blue and purple rubber band bracelet was still on her right wrist and was only ever removed when she showered, "...5 minutes, and half of that was to go to the bathroom!"

The brunette got up from her desk and entered the Captain's office, being mindful to close the door, and took a seat. She studied Cragen for a moment, noting a small NYPD flag pin on the lapel of his jacket. The flag consisted of 3 green and 2 white horizontal stripes, a navy blue top left corner and 24 stars in 3 circles representing all of the cities, towns, and incorporated villages that were amalgamated into the City of Greater New York back in 1898. She hadn't noticed the other occupant of the office until she saw movement out the corner of her left eye.

Lieutenant Tucker.

He must have arrived when she'd gone to the bathroom, the SVU detective surmised. Olivia knew she had nothing to worry about. She and Alex had declared their relationship with the DA's office and the NYPD. They had followed procedure and done everything by the book. If Tucker was going to try and revisit what he had insinuated during the IAB interview in Winthrop, she was going to let him have it with both barrels.

Tucker's voice couldn't contain his glee as he skimmed his eyes over the open manila folder in his lap, "IAB has information regarding an  _incident_  that occurred in SVU's squad room that wasn't reported, as per protocol. Detective Benson, did you or did you not hold a gun to the back of Detective Amaro's head?"

Liv felt the blood drain from her face while simultaneously a heavy, sinking feeling grew in the pit of her stomach. Don had told her that no complaints had or would be lodged. Had Nick decided otherwise because they weren't going to be partners any longer?!

"Answer the question, Benson!" Tucker prompted with a satisfying smirk.

She looked at Don, searching for answers regarding what to do. Should she be asking for a PBA representative right now? However the look Don was giving her indicated that there was no use denying it and that she should tell the truth.

"Y-yes," Liv choked out.

Realisation began to sink in. Her career with the NYPD was over. Her time studying and sitting the Sergeants exam was a wasted effort. The only detective shield she would carry from now on was the vicious burn on her right scapula. She should have stuck with her original decision and quit the force, securing her NYPD pension.

"Lieutenant Tucker, I think we could come to some sort of..." Cragen searched for the right word with a wave of his hand, "... arrangement."

Tucker raised an eyebrow slightly, "Arrangement?"

"An understanding of sorts to make this little misunderstanding go away...  _permanently_ ," Don rummaged around in one of the upper desk drawers, then placed a thick business envelope on the desk in front of him. The window made the contents and the brown currency strap clearly visible. "That's 5. How much more?"

Tucker eyed the envelope but remained impassive.

It took a moment for Olivia to register what Don was doing, "Captain!"

Cragen stood up from behind his desk, "Benson, you're done for now."

"No! You can't-"

"Detective, stand down  _right now_  or I'll make sure you not only lose your badge but your pension!" Don hissed before throwing open the door, "Sergeant Munch! Escort Detective Benson to her desk and make sure she stays put until  _I've_  finished fixing this clusterfuck of _her_  doing with Lieutenant Tucker."

"Captain, no! You can't do this!" Liv pleaded. She would willingly fall on her sword. Everything Tucker had said was true and the Captain was going to bribe Tucker to make it go away. She couldn't let the man she thought of as a fatherly figure break the law like he was going to do. Even though he was nearing retirement, Captain Cragen would lose everything. He wasn't a crooked cop. He shouldn't and couldn't break the law like that for her.

Don just gave Olivia a tight smile as Munch guided her back to her desk and made her sit down.

Olivia cried out, "He  _can't_  do this, John!"

Munch leant closer and whispered, "Do you trust Cragen?"

"Of course I do! But-" Liv tried to stand but Munch kept a hand on her shoulder.

"But  _nothing_. Sit down and keep quiet! Got it?"

* * *

Don closed the door and tilted the blinds before resuming his seat, "Back to business. How much will it take to make your investigation against the allegations of Detective Benson... disappear?"

Tucker avoided the question, "You've never been one to ask for my... help. Why now?"

"You and I have been around long enough to know that little things can get blown out of proportion, and even though I'll be retiring in September next year, I  _want_  this unit to look superb upon my retirement. I don't want  _any_  blemishes on my watch for the last year of being Captain. I'll do what I have to do, and if that involves..." Don indicated the envelope on the desk, "... a little  _helping hand_ from yourself, I'll take it."

"Are you bribing me?" Tucker challenged.

"Are you seeing it as a  _bribe_?" Cragen retorted. "We both know that our pensions won't cover everything when we all eventually put in our papers... Or is what I've heard about  _you_  from the Captain from the 12th Precinct just all filibustering bullshit?... Oh don't look surprised, Tucker. Us Captains talk amongst ourselves. Sure, there are  _crooked_  cops... but what cop doesn't take care of himself or his colleagues in some form or another?"

Tucker rebutted, "Only the crooked ones get caught."

"Exactly. Now if you play ball with me..." Don pushed the envelope a little further across the desk, "... I will be able to put in a  _very_  favourable request for Lieutenant Tucker to become the next commanding officer of Manhattan's SVU when I retire."

"I scratch your back, you scratch mine?" Tucker said, eyeing the envelope again.

"I know how much you've wanted and tried to get an SVU posting all these years. Here's your chance for that wish to become a reality by helping this little incident disappear."

Cragen watched as the blueish grey eyes of the IAB Lieutenant landed on the thick envelope in front of him.

The corners of Tucker's lips curled, "Another, say... 20... should make everything of Detective Benson's alleged assault... disappear."

"$25,000 in total?"

"And a recommendation for me to become Manhattan SVU's next commanding officer."

"Of course!" Don agreed as he removed 4 more envelopes from his desk and stacked them beside the original one.

"Do you always happen to have all this money laying around?" Tucker continued to eye the envelopes.

"You might be IAB, Lieutenant, but I knew this day would come the moment the incident with Detective Benson occurred. I've had money put aside for just such an incident, though I always though I'd have to use it on Elliott Stabler before he retired... and I also had an inkling that you'd appear the day of Detective Benson's first official day back on the job, although I thought you might have arrived after lunch."

Lieutenant Tucker stood up and placed 4 of the cash filled envelopes in his briefcase, the other inside the breast pocket of his jacket. He extended his hand, " _Pleasure_  doing business with you, Captain."

Cragen shook Tucker's hand firmly, "Always."

* * *

Olivia watched as Tucker gave her a satisfying sneer and headed for the elevators. The IAB Lieutenant was taken aback when the doors opened and IAB Sergeant Cole Draper exited with 2 additional IAB Sergeants.

Sergeant Cole Draper kept his voice even, "Lieutenant Tucker, please come with me... I'm sure you don't want us to make a scene."

Tucker snorted, "What are you talking about, Draper? You're supposed to be over on Staten Island investigating the 123rd Precinct regarding that shooting."

Draper stood his ground in front of Lieutenant Tucker as the 2 other IAB Sergeants moved to stand behind the Lieutenant and removed the briefcase from Tucker's grasp. Sergeant Draper took a step closer before he pulled the left side of Tucker's suit coat open and removed the thick business envelope from the breast pocket.

"Lieutenant Edward Tucker, you are under arrest for bribery solicitation. You have the right to remain silent..."

Tucker saw Cragen standing near Olivia's desk, "You set me up, you bastard!"

"... Anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney..."

"Draper, you should arrest Cragen too!  _He's_  the one trying to cover up an incident of Benson's doing!" Ed Tucker yelled. If he was going down, he'd take Cragen with him.

"... If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand the rights I have just read to you?"

"Yes!" Tucker spat.

Sergeant Draper tilted his head, "Cover up? I don't think so. Captain Cragen's been working with  _us_  to uncover your little... side business." Draper waved the envelope in front of Tucker's face. "You've been under investigation by IAB for some time. Get him out of here! And the $25,000 needs to go back to Major Case as soon as possible."

As Tucker was led away, Sergeant Draper held out his hand which Don Cragen placed the NYPD flag pin in.

"You got everything?" Don asked.

"Everything was caught on the camera hidden within the stars of the pin, and the microphone on the back. The technology these days makes these investigations that little bit easier. Thankyou for helping in our investigation, Captain... Lieutenant Ed Tucker is going to lose his badge and his pension, and maybe do a little jail time too, I'm going to make sure of it... Detective Benson,  _very_  convincing acting in the office regarding the fake assault."

"But-" Olivia began, but was cut off when Don spoke.

"She's had time to practice while she was studying for her Sergeants exam. I'll take the time to debrief Detective Benson as per our arrangement, Sergeant Draper. Detective Benson, please wait in my office."

* * *

Cragen began explaining to Olivia as soon as he closed the door, "I told the higher up's at 1PP about Tucker's little vendetta against you and his conduct regarding the IAB interview in Maine. During that meeting, it was revealed that Tucker was under investigation for numerous vendettas, 'cooking the books', making allegations disappear, and taking bribes. IAB had been trying to work out how to get Tucker when I approached them with an idea. I suggested that information be forwarded to Tucker after you returned to duty that you had assaulted a fellow police officer and there had been a cover up of the incident."

"But I  _did_  assault Nick."

"1PP still doesn't know that, and they  _never_  will. I'm the one that suggested to IAB a  _false_  incident against you after you unofficially confirmed to me that you were returning to SVU on November 19."

Liv's eyes widened, "You lied and yet told the truth at the same time?"

"It was easier this way to help bring Tucker down. NYPD doesn't need someone like him on the force any longer than necessary... and sometimes you have to lie, or bend the truth a little, to protect people you care for."

"Cap, what would have happened if I hadn't returned to SVU?"

"We'll never know, will we?" Don opened the door, "Now that pile of DD5's won't write themselves, Detective."

* * *

"Delivery for a Detective... Olivia Benson?"

Liv turned to see a tallish, well built man holding a large bouquet of long stem yellow roses in a tall vase. Somewhat wary, Olivia took in his attire as he fumbled with his hand held scanner. She could see that his polo shirt was embroidered with the florist's logo, as was his knit cap; he had a photo ID lanyard around his neck that bore the name of the florist; and the logo on the ID card matched the logo on his shirt and knit cap. As he looked up from his scanner, she knew it wasn't Lewis Williams.

"That's me," Liv gave a small acknowledging wave.

"Ah, so  _you're_  the illusive Detective. I've been delivering flowers here each week for months and you've never been here to personally receive them. Looks like today's the day. Sign here please," the delivery guy placed the flowers on her desk, then handed over his proof of delivery scanner and electronic pencil. As Olivia signed for the flowers, she noted that the number of roses was 3 dozen. She handed back the scanner to the delivery guy who turned to leave.

"Oh! Almost forgot! You have a card as well," he opened his backpack and removed an envelope from a clipboard folder. "Have a great day!"

She waited until the delivery guy had disappeared behind the closing elevator doors before she opened the envelope. Inside was a stylish gold and silver embossed card with flowers. Olivia opened the card and recognised Alex's writing immediately.

 _Olivia,_  
_No more Mixed Zinnias because you're not an 'absent friend' any longer. Today, a bouquet of Yellow Roses for you._  
In Victorian times, they symbolised jealousy. Today, these flowers can mean joy, happiness, friendship, delight, and above all... 'welcome back'.  
_All my love, Alex._  
PS: Yellow Roses also mean 'I care', which I most certainly do.  
OXOX

She smiled and placed the card in front of the vase before resuming working on the DD5. A few moments later, the familiar telltale sound of high heels approaching from the elevators made Olivia smile even more. The brunette kept her head lowered when the click-clacking stopped beside her desk.

"Counsellor," Olivia looked up and her heart skipped a beat.

Alex shifted the paperwork before perching on the corner of Olivia's desk and crossing a long, pale leg over her knee. The blonde couldn't help but smirk, "Detective."

Olivia's eyes zeroed in on the bare leg that was so tantalisingly close. With her libido suddenly spiking, she leant back in her chair for a better look, her fingertips itching to reach out and caress the flesh before her. Instead, her brown eyes travelling down the slender calf before they wandered back up towards Alex's thigh. After the exhaustive 6 hour Sergeants exam yesterday, they hadn't made out like they had planned. Instead, they had just cuddled and interacted with a boisterous  _Oey_  for a while before Olivia had drifted off to a nightmare free slumber. Her eyes lingered on the top button of the ADA's blouse near her cleavage before they darted up the blue eyes behind the black framed glasses, "You didn't wear a skirt when you left for work this morning."

"I know. I put it on just for you before I left the DA's office. I bought you a few things before I take you to lunch... Cragen's orders."

"Oh?"

Alex reached into her attaché bag and handed Olivia a silver keychain, "I've held onto this since the day you were found in Maine, so I thought I'd better give it back to you. Although, you were  _supposed_  to get rid of it!"

It was the Wisconsin State Quarter keyring that held Olivia's spare locker key.

Liv couldn't help but grin, "You and I both knew I had no intention of ever getting rid of it."

Alex removed another item from her attaché bag, "I also thought you might like to have this on your desk."

" _Our_  desk," Liv corrected.

"Our desk," Alex reiterated, handing Olivia a framed photograph. It was a copy of the photo taken in Winthrop of Alex, herself, Vanessa, Alan, Melanie and Kelly.

"I think that's a great item to have on our desk," Liv placed the silver frame to the right of the photo of herself, Elliott and Alex. "Anything else from your carpet bag, Mary Poppins?"

With a cheeky smile, the blonde removed one more item and placed it in front of the brunette.

A peanut bar.

"Just in case you can't wait until we get to the sandwich shop," Alex waggled her eyebrows.

Olivia huffed, "I'm  _not_  craving any longer."

"You aren't? Alright then, I'll eat it myself!" Alex shrugged and began unwrapping the bar.

"Gimme that bar!" Liv snatched the bar, took a large bite and moaned wantonly.

"You're never going to admit craving, are you?"

"Never!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For those wondering about why Tucker was arrested: When I was originally writing the story, a FF reviewer wanted Cragen to 'get' Tucker after his attitude and relentless questioning of Olivia and in ch24. At the time I wasn't even sure if Olivia was going to return to SVU. That was until another reviewer commented about the incident between Olivia and Nick at the precinct in ch33 ;-). So while it may seem random to some, believe me, it wasn't ;-)
> 
> Next chapter: Alan's award ceremony ;-)


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know the dress uniform that Alan and Mel wear is probably more 'military' to most readers than 'law enforcement', but when I googled 'Sheriff Dress Uniform' when I was researching this part of the story, there was a large variety so I picked the bits that appealed to me to build a uniform in my head for the ceremony... then I found a 'build a uniform generator', so I did! It's probably best described as an Honour Guard dress uniform, but it's just Maine Sheriff's Department dress uniform in the story ;-). FYI: This is a more Mel, Alan and Vanessa-centric ep than Alex and Olivia (but they do appear!). I was pretty much abused by an anon when I initially wrote this chapter "for not focusing enough on Cabenson". It saddened me so much that I even considered deleting the story altogether but thankfully another writer talked me out of it. Please understand that while this is VERY much a Cabenson story, Melanie, Kelly, Alan and Vanessa are all dear to my heart too. They have their own little storylines that I want to tidy up, and their lives are very much intertwined with Alex and Olivia's (this extends to Barba and Doom too)

Straddling Olivia's thighs in the middle of their bed, Alex's hand traversed slowly towards the intended destination, her eyes watching Olivia closely for any signs of discomfort or distress. Liv had said she'd like to take another step tonight after her first full day back at work. Olivia had taken great joy of informing the ADA during lunch about the downfall of Ed Tucker, and had a positive session with Doctor MacKenzie after work. Liv had also taken the time to phone Elliott and tell him about Tucker too. Elliott's reaction to the news had reflected Olivia's with more expletives than Olivia had used during lunch. After such a good day, Olivia had hoped that joy would continue...

" _Red_!" Olivia gasped and grabbed Alex's advancing hand just before it touched. Tears suddenly threatened to fall and Olivia's bottom lip trembled as she moved Alex's hand to the blonde's scar covered thigh, "I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I-I'm not ready... I-I thought I was, but..."

"Don't  _ever_  be sorry for using your safe words, Liv. That's what they're for. That's why we go through them each time we do this," soothed the ADA. "I'm so proud of you, don't ever forget that."

Olivia sniffled, "I really thought I was ready for you to touch me... even if it was only on top of my panties."

Alex reached up and caressed Olivia's cheek, "Each step we take is a big step, and sometimes we need to take a step back before we take a step forward. I think we've come a long way in these last few weeks just to get to the point that we have. I love you, Olivia."

"I love you too, Alex. I  _want_  you to touch me, but I'm scared... I'm so scared I'll remember Lewis doing something," Liv whimpered as she buried her face in the curve of Alex's neck and silently cried while pressing their naked torsos together.

* * *

Melanie looked up at the arrivals board and sighed for what seemed to be the hundredth time. Unfortunately for the Winthrop Sheriff, it still displayed the same thing it had last time she had glanced.

**Flight 812: Newark - Augusta DELAYED**

The shaggy pixie cut blonde leant back in the uncomfortable airport chair and folded her arms with a huff. Her high gloss Oxford dress right shoe peeking out from her work uniform trouser leg crossed over her left knee continuing to jitter rapidly.

Fucking typical!

Everything had been planned perfectly. Today, Saturday, December 7th, Vanessa's plane was supposed to have landed just after 11am and Alan pick her up from the airport. Mel had generously given Alan early leave from the station so that the 'just friends' could return to Alan's cottage at Carlton Pond, have lunch, then Alan could change into his dress uniform and Vanessa freshen up before leaving for the award ceremony in Augusta because award recipients had to be there by no later than 2.30pm for the 3pm start. Being the Sheriff, Mel had to be at the ceremony just as much as Alan did, but at least she had until 2.45pm to be there. The Maine Sheriff's Department State Commissioner would be the one handing out various awards to other Sheriff's Departments from different cities, towns and counties as the respective Sheriffs addressed the audience watching proceeding in the auditorium. Various Department citations, marksmanship bars, numerous merit awards, and a single Sheriff Combat Cross would be handed out during the ceremony. She knew Alan wouldn't want the other 2 awards he was getting, but she had no say in the matter.

Instead, Melanie had received a call from Alan at 12.45pm to say that Vanessa's plane hadn't even left New Jersey yet! Some tourist with their attention focused squarely on their tablet computer had entered a restricted area, forcing the airport to be completely evacuated and everyone rescreened at security. The curly haired rookie asked if Melanie could come to the airport and wait so he could go back to his cottage and get ready. Fortunately, Melanie had been sensible and placed the garment bag containing her Sheriff dress uniform in her car to change at the auditorium before the ceremony. Mel was sure that as soon as she arrived at the airport that Alan would say Vanessa's plane had just landed, sorry to have wasted your time... or the plane was only minutes away as the rookie left to return to Carlton Pond. But now it was just after 2pm and still no word, and Mel was getting frustrated to say the least.

There would be hell to pay left, right and centre if Kelly's plane was delayed like this when she finally returned home from the Philippines. And that was another thing! The Winthrop Sheriff was on edge because as soon as the award ceremony was over, she'd be immediately heading back to Winthrop and making a very long video call with the salt and pepper spiky haired doctor. Kelly had managed to schedule the day off by working extra hours in the days previous, and even though it would be early morning in the Philippines, it wouldn't worry Kel seeing she was the 'early bird' Leonard, whereas Mel was very much the 'night owl' Leonard.

It was a recipe for disaster if anything went awry today. Take 2 sexually frustrated married lesbians that had healthy, almost voracious sexual appetites; separate them from each other by distance and time; throw a law enforcement dress uniform into the mix; needing everything to come together on a perfectly timed schedule; and wait for the fireworks to begin... especially if the shit it the fan.

Only one thing was going through Mel's mind right now: Who the heck had she pissed off to have these meticulous plans thrown into disarray right now? It mightn't have been her fault or doing, but it certainly felt like she was being punished. If Vanessa's plane didn't hurry up, Mel would have to get Bradley or Heather to wait for the red head or they would  _both_  miss the ceremony... and Melanie didn't want Vanessa to miss Alan's ceremony. She knew how much it meant to have a loved one (no matter how much Alan and Vanessa proclaimed otherwise) at these types of ceremonies, especially seeing that the major award Alan was receiving was in connection to Vanessa's rescue.

Mel looked up again.

Still nothing.

Damnit! If that fucking board didn't show an estimated time of arrival in the next 15 minutes, the revolving dash light would be needed to get to the ceremony on the other side of Augusta!

The board changed just as the Sheriff went to look away

**Flight 812: Newark - Augusta ETA: 2.15pm Gate 3**

Halle _fucking_ lujah! Hehehe, the revolving dash light would probably still be needed, Mel though as she got up and made her way to the assigned gate.

The plane taxied to the gate just on 2.15pm and Melanie scanned the disembarking passengers for a certain red head. Mel struggled not to bark out a laugh when she saw Vanessa wearing a familiar looking Sheriff All seasons duty jacket over her tailored suit. It wasn't the first time Mel had seen Vanessa wearing Alan's jacket seeing it was the rookie's coat she had used to cover Vanessa with when they had discovered her and Olivia in the transient cabin. Hang on, Alan had made no mention of leaving his jacket in New Jersey. In fact, he had been wearing it this morning at the station and when he left the airport when Mel arrived! Obviously he had left his spare jacket with Vanessa, or he had been wearing his spare since returning from New York.

"Vanessa! Over here!"

"Melanie!" Vanessa scurried over and began following after the Sheriff as Mel took Vanessa's carry on from her. "Are we going to be late for Alan's ceremony?"

Mel headed for the parking lot, "Not if we hustle. I'll have to change at the auditorium, but might need you to put these clothes I'm wearing now into my garment bag while I change to save some time, if that's alright."

"Sure, I can do that."

"That's an  _interesting_  jacket you have on. Kinda like the one I'm wearing."

"Alan accidentally left it behind... I said I'd return it to him when he picked me up," Vanessa brushed aside the observation. The jacket had been once again stuffed with a spare pillow every night since Alan's departure.

"I'm sure he did...  _accidentally_ , of course. But you might want to hang on to it though," Melanie clicked the button to unlock the trunk. She placed Vanessa's bag inside then removed her garment bag.

"Why's that?"

"They're predicting light snow tomorrow. Oh, by the way, can you open the glove box and get the revolving dash light out when you get inside the car?"

* * *

"Was that legal to use the flashing light to get us to the other side of Augusta?" Vanessa asked as they screeched to a halt in the parking lot next to Alan's Plymouth Fury.

Mel reached over to grab the garment bag, "Are you going to question a uniformed Sheriff who has an emergency situation?"

"I guess not."

"Good. I didn't  _break_  the law, but I may have bent it ever so slightly... so I won't tell anyone if you won't!"

"Deal."

Melanie lead the way for Vanessa to follow after locking the car. She showed their tickets and headed for the change room off to the right side.

"There's a bathroom next door if you need to use it. The ceremony will be about an hour... hour and a half tops. Your ticket will have your seat number on it... it's down near the stage, so nice and close. I'll come and sit with you after I've said my bit, but Alan will stay up on the stage until  _all_  the awards have been handed out," Mel said as she entered a change room and closed the door.

"What do you mean your...  _bit_?"

"I have to  _blah blah blah_  to the audience about why he's being awarded the Combat Cross... Sheriff-y protocol crap."

"Is that the official definition?" Vanessa snorted as the garment bag was tossed over the door, which she picked it up off the ground.

"Yep. Do you like it?"

"Sounds good enough for me!"

A few moments later, an all seasons duty jacket, a khaki long sleeve shirt and black tie was tossed over. "Vanessa, would you unpin my shied from my shirt? I have to put it on my jacket... ...Urgh, I hate these dress shoes! Glad I don't have to wear them everyday... ...Oh! Before I forget, the tickets are in my duty jacket breast pocket!..." A pair of dark charcoal greyish green trousers were flung over, "... I'll need one to come back in after I take the garment bag back out! Take yours too."

Vanessa unpinned the Sheriff star and grabbed both tickets before placing the items of clothing in the garment bag, "Anything else?"

"Nope. Zip it up. I'll be out in a few minutes."

True to her word, Mel exited a couple of minutes later. She was in a black dress uniform shirt and black tie; black high collar coat with gold buttons and piping; a pair of black pants with gold braiding down the outside legs; and the high gloss Oxford dress shoes. There was a black felt campaign upside down in her hand that held a pair of white cotton parade gloves and a heap of gold cord with pointed tips. She handed the hat and contents to Vanessa to hold and adjusted her black leather belt to sit square. There were 2 award bars on Mel's jacket. One was a green and white horizontal bar with 3 gold vertical bars separating them, with a number 4 in the middle of the central gold bar. The other was a pale blue with the number 2 in the centre. Whatever those awards were, Melanie had obviously been awarded them more than once.

"What did you receive your bar pins for? If you don't mind me asking?"

Mel downplayed her career achievements, "The blue one is just Department Citations, the other is for Excellent Sheriff Duty. Nothing special really."

"And what's that?" Vanessa indicated the cord and pointed tips in the hat while Mel began buttoning her jacket.

"That's an aiguillette," Mel replied. She saw the look of confusion on Vanessa's features and added as she pinned her Sheriff star in place on her coat, "Shoulder cords with pointed tips. Mine is a double worn on the left side to indicate I'm a Sheriff. Bradley has a single cord being a Deputy... Alan doesn't have any seeing he's a Sheriff Officer. The State Commissioner wears a double aiguillette like mine, as does the Deputy Commissioner but they wear theirs on the right side. The Commissioner will also have gold epaulettes on his shoulders... he'll be the one giving Alan his award."

"The State Commissioner?!"

"Ah, yeah. Did you think I was joking when I said it during the mock ceremony at my house?" Mel unbuttoned the passant strap on her left shoulder before taking the aiguillette and threading her left arm though the major braided loop, then rebuttoning the passant strap. She adjusted the gold cords so they sat correctly, then put her white gloves in her pockets and placed her felt campaign hat on her head. She would put her gloves on after putting the garment bag back in the car.

"I thought you were just teasing Alan when you said that."

"I was, but I was telling the truth!" Mel winked. She took the garment bag back from Vanessa, "Alright, if you wait outside the auditorium door, I'll show you where to sit as soon as I come back."

* * *

"We're getting a Department Citation. Outstanding performance in sustaining a high level of service to the City of Augusta," the Sheriff Officer to Alan's left said pompously. His name tag displayed on dress uniform was 'Quinn', "What are you getting today... Irvine?"

"Umm... a commendation award," Alan downplayed is his achievement as he discreetly scanned the auditorium.

"Nothing ever happens in Winthrop. Did you help a little old lady across the street or something?" the Augusta Sheriff Officer guffawed. "You want action, ask for a transfer to the  _City_."

"I like where I'm stationed, but thanks for the suggestion... Quinn."

"Your loss, Winthrop boy... Holy shit! Who's the hot little ginger being shown her seat by a Sheriff down there! I'd definitely tap that piece of sweet ass... Hey, do you think the ginger's carpet matches her curtains?"

Alan watched as Vanessa sat down and placed his duty jacket in her lap, "I'm sure that woman wouldn't appreciate being spoken about like  _that_...  _any_  woman for that matter."

"Oh Jesus, you're one of  _those_  guys. Go back to high school,  _Irvine_. I bet you that fire crotch wants a real man like  _me_ and I'll have her phone number by the end of the night."

"I don't bet," Alan placed his campaign hat on his head as Mel walked past and took her seat with the other Sheriffs near the podium.

"Scared you'd lose, Irvine?" Quinn taunted as the lights dimmed to indicate for the award recipients to take their seats.

Alan remained impassive, knowing that he'd already won.

* * *

Everyone in the auditorium clapped as the Department Citation for Quinn's Augusta Department was awarded to its 10 members. Once their pale blue bars were pinned and the audience quietened, the Master of Ceremonies returned to the podium spotlight.

"For the next award, I would like to invite Sheriff Melanie Leonard from the Winthrop Sheriff's Department to the microphone."

Melanie walked to the podium and took a moment before speaking, "On September 25th, 2013 I had an NYPD issue service weapon levelled at my head by a sadistic mad man ready to pull the trigger. I didn't have service weapon on me at the time because it was one of my rare days off to spend with my spouse. At the time, noone at the Winthrop Sheriff's Department knew that this psychopath had kidnapped and brutally tortured an NYPD Detective and his defense lawyer for 128 days previous in a secluded transient cabin near Lake Cobbosseecontee, or that he had shot and maimed an NYPD Officer who subsequently passed away from the gun shot wounds he had sustained. I could very well have joined those ladies if it hadn't of been for this Sheriff Officer... those ladies could very well have been tortured still to this very day if it hadn't of been for this Sheriff Officer. With the levelheadedness of a seasoned Officer, my rookie Sheriff Officer drew his service weapon and repeatedly warned the man to drop his gun or he would shoot. The perpetrator suddenly turned his weapon on my rookie, and just like he was trained to do, my Sheriff Officer fired 2 rounds into the largest target to stop the immediate threat to his life. He saved the lives of 3 women that day and assisted in rescuing the 2 kidnapped women from New York and New Jersey. One of kidnapped women is here to watch this ceremony... the other is here in spirit, though she wanted to be here in person... and I am  _honoured_  to have him as my assigned work partner. Because of his actions that fateful afternoon, he is being awarded the Sheriff's Combat Cross. This award is given to Maine Sheriff's Department Officers for successfully and intelligently performing an act of extraordinary heroism, while engaged in personal combat with an armed adversary under circumstances of imminent personal hazard to life... which he most certainly did that day. Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine, please step forward to receive the Sheriff's Combat Cross from State Commissioner Andrews."

As the entire auditorium clapped enthusiastically, Vanessa watched as Alan saluted the State Commissioner, who returned the salute. The Commissioner removed the long green neck ribbon and gold Maltese cross from the leather bound, velvet lined presentation box and slipped it over Alan's hat and head. The Commissioner extended his hand which Alan shook before the Commissioner saluted the rookie, which Alan returned. As the Commissioner stepped aside, Melanie took his place. Once again as protocol dictated, Alan saluted Mel, which she returned before she pinned the same small green medal bar pin underneath Alan's Sheriff Officer shield. Shaking hands, Mel then saluted Alan, which he returned.

"Stay where you are," Mel whispered before Alan went to return to his seat.

"What do you mean?" Alan kept his voice just as low, confused at what his superior was suggesting.

"You'll see."

The State Commissioner cleared his throat as he stood at the podium, "Congratulations, Sheriff Officer Irvine. I'm positive any Maine Sheriff's Department would be proud to have you on their team, and I know for a fact that Winthrop's Department  _is_. I think some Sheriff Departments might even be a little jealous once you receive these other awards you're about to... For those that don't know, within the various law enforcement departments throughout the United States, there are awards for shooting accuracy. Within the Maine Sheriff's Department, we have what is called the  _Commissioner's 20_. This medal is awarded to only 20 active Sheriff Officers, Deputies and/or Sheriffs at one time that are proficient in both pistol and rifle... having to wait for a previous recipient to retire or sadly pass away in the line of duty before another can be awarded. Because a Deputy Sheriff from Portland retired at the end of October, this allowed for a new Sheriff's Department member to become a recipient of  _the Commissioner's 20_. The retirement of that same Deputy Sheriff also freed up a spot for a similar award: the _President's 100_. There are only 2 recipients of that particular award for each state of the USA, within  _all_  Sheriff Departments. And as you can imagine, this award is only for the best and most accurate shooters... the top 2, to be precise. This afternoon, I am proud and honoured to personally award both the _Commissioner's 20_ and the _President's 100_  to Sheriff Officer Alan Irvine."

Once again, Vanessa watched as the State Commissioner pinned both the  _President's 100_  brassard and the  _Commissioner's 20_ pin to Alan's jacket below his Sheriff's Combat Cross pin, and then as Melanie presented Alan his crescent patches that would be sewn onto his left sleeve of his dress coat above his Winthrop Sheriff Department patch. Vanessa felt so proud for the curly haired rookie to receive such prestigious awards. She knew in her heart that Alan's mother, father and grandmother would have been just as proud of him... were they all alive to see this ceremony. She had a feeling that Olivia, Alex and Kelly would be too if they had been able to attend, but she knew that the Maine Sheriff's Department official video cameras capturing every moment of the ceremony would have to suffice. Mel had mentioned that she'd get a copy on DVD for those absent friends.

* * *

"Those are quite impressive awards, aren't they?" Vanessa whispered to Mel as the Sheriff took her seat beside the red head in the audience. "The  _Commissioner's_  and the  _President's_ ones, I mean."

Mel removed her felt campaign hat, "They are, but Alan won't blow his own trumpet and shove those awards in anyone's face for receiving them because he's just doing his job. To be honest, he's probably more embarrassed to get them than anything, but he has no say in the matter... neither did I. The Sheriff's Department chooses who the recipients of those type of awards will be."

It was another 20 minutes before the final award was handed out and the ceremony complete.

"Would you like some photos with your Prince Charming?" Melanie asked as the auditorium crowd began moving and dispersing.

Vanessa growled in exasperation, "He's  _not_  my Prince Charming! We're _just friends_!"

Mel just rolled her eyes, " _That_  response is getting really  _old_."

"Alright, yes! I'd like a photo with Alan to go with the one that we took at your house, but  _not_  with the official photographer. Those camera flashes..." Vanessa began fidgeting with Alan's duty jacket in her lap.

"Too many memories?" Mel asked softly, remembering the polaroid type instant camera and photographs she had seen on the small side table after entering the cabin.

Vanessa nodded, rapidly blinking away tears that threatened to fall.

"How about I get some on my phone and I'll print them out for you before you and Alan come over to dinner tomorrow night?"

"Tomorrow night?"

"Yes, it'll be Sunday night tomorrow. Alan comes over and cooks for me and Kelly, remember? Well, just me since Kel went over to the Philippines."

"That's right. You skype with Liv and Alex that night."

"Yeah, we do. So... about those photos with Alan?"

"Ok. I'm just going to use the bathroom first."

"I'll go rescue Alan because now every other Sheriff in Maine will want to try and convince him to transfer to their station. Meet you back here in a little while."

* * *

Vanessa was taken aback when just as she exited the ladies bathroom to return to the auditorium, a Sheriff Officer held out his hand for her to shake it.

"Hello!"

"Uhh... hi?"

"I'm Sheriff Officer Quinn, Augusta Sheriff's Department... but you can call me Dirk."

"You got an award today," Vanessa commented as she tried to return to the auditorium, but Quinn wouldn't let her pass. All the red head could think was: Dirk was clearly a jerk.

"I did! I mean, my Department did."

"Congratulations then."

"Thankyou... I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name."

"That's because I didn't give it to you."

"Come on now,  _Ginger_ , don't be like that!"

* * *

"We'd be happy to have you in Bucksport, Irvine."

"Thankyou for the offer, Sheriff Collier, but I'm quite happy being stationed at Winthrop."

"If you  _ever_  change your mind, please consider us!" the Sheriff handed Alan a card before congratulating him once again and departing.

Alan placed the card in his pocket to join the other cards from the Sheriff's of Portland, Brunswick, Augusta, Waterville, Bridgton, Skowhegan, Lewiston, and his home town of Bangor. He felt an arm on his shoulder as he heard a voice.

"Sheriff Officer Irvine! Would you like to-"

"Sheriff, I'm quite happy- Oh! It's you, Melanie!"

Mel moved her campaign hat to under her left arm, "I take it you've been bombarded with offers to consider going elsewhere."

"I have, and I've turned them  _all_  down. I like Winthrop... it's home for me." Alan looked around, "Umm, where's Vanessa?"

"She was going to the bathroom before I got some photos of the both of you, but I would have thought she'd have been back by now. I'll go find her."

Alan placed his campaign hat on his head, "No. Let me."

* * *

" _Ginger_?!" Vanessa was incredulous. "I suppose next you're going to ask me if I have a  _soul_?"

Quinn chuckled, "Do you? Maybe you'd let me find out later tonight?"

Vanessa felt her anger beginning to turn to panic, "Excuse me, I have go find my  _husband_."

Quinn blocked Vanessa's path, "I don't see a wedding ring on your finger... so I  _don't_  think you're married at all. I  _do_  think you're playing a little hard to get though, I like that in a woman. What's you name, cutie pie?"

Vanessa's fear began to rise as Quinn invaded her personal space. It was that same eerie, menacing, looming presence that Lewis Williams taunted her with before he drugged her... assaulted her... burned her... raped her. All her self defense training suddenly left her and she was frozen to the floor.

"Hey, there you are!" Alan rounded the corner.

Relief flooded Vanessa's body at the sound of her name as the curly haired rookie approached, "Alan!"

Alan took Vanessa's left hand in his cotton gloved right and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze. He had seen the fear in her eyes and recognised it was the same fear when Vanessa's father had grabbed her wrist when he had returned her to the hospital after Vanessa had wandered off after her Major Case interview. The red head leant bodily closer to Alan and reciprocated the squeeze as her confidence slowly returned.

"Quinn, I see you've met my wife," Alan kept his tone even.

"Y-your wife?!" Quinn was stunned to say the least as he saw Alan standing there with his Combat Cross around his neck, the  _State Commissioner's 20_ and the  _President's 100_  pinned to his chest.

"Yes, my  _wife_... Nessa Irvine. Nessa, this is Sheriff Officer Quinn. He got a Department Citation today," Alan stopped short of returning the insult 'for helping little old ladies across the street'.

"So I saw. He got his just before you got yours," Vanessa stated.

"Hey Irvine, I'm sorry... especially earlier. I-I didn't realise she was your wife. I-I didn't see a ring on her finger, a-and I thought-"

Alan cut off the pathetic explanation, "It  _shouldn't_  matter if she was my wife, or if she wasn't. What you said before the ceremony began was one of the  _most_  disrespectable things I've ever heard. I'd feel so sorry for any woman that dates you... I'd pity her actually. I'd hope she realise sooner rather than later what type of person  _you_  are."

"Dirk, Pookie! I've been looking  _everywhere_  for you!" a voluptuous, honey blonde woman whined as she approached.

Quinn gave a charming smile to the woman, "Hey, Cupcake! I was just-"

"Leaving. You were just  _leaving_ ," Vanessa said with finality.

"Come on, Pookie!" the woman looped her arm through Quinn's elbow. She looked at Alan, "Oh! You're the Officer that got the Cross, the  _20_ , and the  _100_!"

"I am."

"Congratulations!" she addressed Vanessa, "You must be  _so_  proud of your husband!"

Vanessa nodded in agreement, "I'm  _very_  proud of him."

"Sorry to drag my fiancé away, but we have to pick up our kids from the babysitter! It was lovely meeting you both. Let's go, Pookie!" 'Cupcake' said.

Quinn hesitated for moment before he turned on his heel and departed with his 'Cupcake'.

Alan waited until they were gone, "Are you alright?"

"I'm glad you came when did," Vanessa smiled. "You ahh... you call me your wife."

"You didn't correct ' _Cupcake_ ' when she assumed you were my  _husband_."

"You also called me Nessa."

Alan's dimples appeared, "I did... it seemed like the right thing to say at the time. I still prefer calling you Vanessa though."

A flurry of Sheriff Officers and their families walked past, all calling out 'well done' and 'congratulations' to Alan.

Vanessa commented, "Seems you're the man of the hour, Sheriff Officer Irvine."

"It'll all die down in a few days, then I can go back to being just Alan... the faster the better, I say."

"As long as you don't go getting a swelled head, or you don't forget your friends  _before_  you were famous."

"Do I know you, ma'am?" Alan joked, receiving a whack to his bicep for his troubles. "I could never forget you Vanessa, you're the woman that keeps  _assaulting_  me!"

"Sorry. Can I give you a hug instead?"

"Always," Alan opened his arms as like he always did to allow Vanessa to go at her own pace. "Thankyou for coming today. It meant a lot to me...  _you_  mean a lot to me."

"You mean a lot to me too."

Ending the hug but not the embrace, a moment passed between them. Their eyes darted down to the parted lips of the other, then up to blue and hazel brown opposite them. Hesitantly, they leant closer to close the gap between their lips for their first real kiss.

"Hey, there you... Oh! Sorry!" Mel cringed as Vanessa and Alan practically jumped back from each other.

"Impeccable timing," Vanessa muttered darkly as Alan tried to act nonchalant.

"Yeah... I need to be somewhere, so I want to get these photos taken but by all means continue with your... whatever you 'just friends' were doing."

Alan cleared his throat to cover his annoyance, "Where do you need to be in such a hurry?"

"Umm... I need to be... at... home... yeah, home... There's a...  _heap_  of paperwork I need to get finished...  _lots_  and  _lots_... and I  _can't_  do it at the station," Mel covered pathetically. Her brain was focusing on the future, not the present.

"That sounds like the lamest excuse... Wait a minute, you're going to call the Doc, aren't you?" Alan teased.

Mel glared daggers, "Look  _Mopey_! I didn't see you nearly kiss your Snow White and I  _need_  to go home... so let us  _never_  speak of this again. Photos, now! Chop chop!"

* * *

Walking towards the Plymouth Fury, Alan and Vanessa watched as Mel raced to her car and drive away, the revolving dash light lighting up the interior of the vehicle.

"She really misses Kelly, doesn't she?" Vanessa laughed as Alan opened the passenger door.

"She does. Then again, I know how much I miss you when I got on the plane to come back from New York. I can only imagine what it would be like being apart from someone you love for  _that_  long."

Alan closed the door and walked around to the drivers side, removing his parade gloves as he went. Just as he was about to start the engine, he heard Vanessa say "Shit!"

"What?"

"Mel has my luggage," Vanessa sighed. She had planned to stay with Alan, but it would be awkward going to the Leonard house just to get her clothes to then return to Alan's cottage.

"Don't worry. It's not a school night and you're still having dinner at my place just like we planned. Besides, I think Mel would rip us to shreds if we turned up...  _unexpectedly_."

"She would, wouldn't she?"

"Oh yeah!"

* * *

Vanessa had been so focused on what Alan had been saying, she didn't realise they weren't at Alan's cottage when he pulled up and stopped the engine. She looked around to get her bearings, "Why are we at the Sheriff station?"

"I've gotta get someone. It'll only take a couple of minutes." Alan hopped out the car, walked around and opened the door for Vanessa, "Come with me."

"What is this all about?" Vanessa slipped her hand in Alan's, relishing the contact without the cotton gloves now.

Alan walked up the single step and opened the station door for Vanessa to walk through, "We're just picking up my little girl."

Vanessa was stunned silent and stopped dead in her tracks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The additional awards Alan got are based on the "President's Hundred" and "Governor's Twenty" which are actual Marksmanship awards, but I tweaked the reasons of how they are awarded to make them more exclusive.


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, this is very much a Vanessa, Alan and Mel chapter. There is no Cabenson, so for those readers that might be thinking that Alex and Olivia are "fading into the background" while Alan, Vanessa and Mel "hog the spotlight" for just a couple of chapters (like the anon told me), I'm sorry if you might feel that way. Alex and Olivia will feature quite heavily in the next chapter, trust me ;-). Also, this chapter explains why I didn't opt for baby Brianna's middle name to be Cassidy (as I was initially asked this when Brianna's middle name was first revealed)

Alan's words reverberated loud and clear in Vanessa's ears: " _I've gotta get someone... We're just picking up my little girl._ "

My. Little. Girl.

He had just lobbed a bombshell that she clearly wasn't prepared for.

Given, she had only known Alan for a little over 2 months, but sometimes it felt like she had known him a lot longer than that. During that time, they had become each others rock. Vanessa telling Alan her progress of her therapy sessions with Doctor Lindstrom and in her rape crisis group therapy, and Alan the same with his own male support group. Most of the time though, they would talk at length about everything and nothing... and there had been no mention of any daughter during their conversations. Not a murmur when they talked about Liv's pregnancy with little ' _Oey_ '. Heck, there hadn't even been a whisper of a pet. He had talked about his beloved Grandma and Mom at length, some mentions of his Dad from what he had been told by his Grandma and Mom, a mention of his Pop on the odd occasion... even after what that man had subjected Alan to for 10 years of his childhood on those camping weekends. Same with regard to Alan's old girlfriend from college. The progress of restoring his Plymouth Fury was also a much talked about subject.

But Alan had just said so himself... he had a little girl.

Vanessa's lawyer mind went into overdrive.

What if she was the result of Alan's own rape by his old girlfriend during college? What if Alan had only just found out of her existence? What if Alan had kept quiet about his daughter to her through fear of being judged? What if it wasn't his little girl biologically and Alan's old girlfriend was just trying to set him up by falsifying paternity? What if Alan had joint custody? What if Alan only had limited custody on every other weekend, or one weekend a month and the Sheriff's station was the agreed upon exchange point? What if Alan's old girlfriend just dumped their daughter with him whenever she felt like it? What if Alan's old girlfriend was inside and she was a vindictive woman, and wouldn't allow Alan to take custody of his daughter because she was friends with Alan? What if-

"Vanessa? Are you ok?" the curly haired rookie's voice was full of concern.

"Huh?"

"You drifted off there for a few moments. Did you have a flashback because of that Quinn guy?"

"N-no."

"You can tell me if you did. You know you can tell me anything."

Vanessa questioned, "Do  _you_  tell  _me_  everything?"

Alan was taken aback, "What's that supposed to mean?"

"You never told me you had a little girl."

"Are you sure?"

"I'd remember you mentioning someone as important as a daughter!"

"Vanessa, I-"

"You're unbelievable! I thought you and I...  _Why_  wouldn't you tell me about her?"

"I just-"

"What with the constant talk about Olivia's pregnancy, and you being asked to be a special uncle to  _Oey_ ,  _those_  would have been an easy segue to tell me!"

"Do you want me to tell you about her  _now_?"

"Please do!"

"She's 2 years old, she has silky red hair like yours, beautiful little dark brown eyes and I hope she likes you as much as I do... because she's found her forever home with me."

Vanessa pinched the bridge of her nose as the last part of Alan's sentence sank in, "She's a fur baby."

"She is," Alan grinned.

The red head's hand moved to cover her eyes to hide her growing embarrassment, "And now I feel like a  _complete_  and  _utter_  ass."

"And yet even after your erroneous assumptions, I still want you to meet her... I still want you to have the dinner I'm going to cook for the both of us tonight... I still want you to stay with me, but  _only_  if you're comfortable to do that... and I'm still your rock if you're still my butterfly," Alan reached out and gently moved Vanessa's hand away from her face. " _If_  I had a daughter with my old girlfriend, I'd know about it. I broke up with her after she raped me, but I still saw her in the classes we shared.  _Never_  during those years after I ended the relationship did I see her pregnant. The last thing I heard about her was that she had moved to Arkansas with her boyfriend, and there was no child back then either... and  _that_  was when I was doing my training at the Academy."

"I'm  _so_  sorry for assuming-"

"I guess I could have chosen my words more carefully. I probably should've told you about her, but she's only come into my life  _very_  recently."

"How recent?"

"The day after we came back from New York, Melanie arrived at the station to find a box here on the step. Whoever it was dumped the box some time during the night."

* * *

"Where?" Alan mouthed to the Winthrop Deputy Sheriff at his desk.

Brad covered the mouth piece of the telephone he was cradling between his ear and shoulder, "Hasn't moved from under your desk since Mel took the other one home with her."

"The  _other_  one?" Vanessa asked as Alan led the way.

"There was 2 of them inside the box," Alan stopped at his desk. All of a sudden with a sharp yap, there was a small, silky canine dancing around Alan's high gloss shoes, whining to be picked up. Mostly white with rusty red around her eyes and ears, and a handful of spots on her body. Her curled, silky white tail wagging non-stop as Alan picked her up and held her to his chest. "Hey! Did you miss me?... Argh! No face licking! Stop that!" Alan pulled back from the onslaught. After her initial burst of _'You came back for me Daddy!'_  licks, the little dog's tongue poked out as she panted while Alan scratched behind her pointed ears.

"Vanessa, meet my little girl."

The sight of the curly haired rookie in his dress uniform with a tiny fluffball dog in his arms was adorable to the red head. For some reason, Vanessa had imagined Alan to be a cat person, or a larger dog person. Something like a German Shepherd, a Rottweiler or a Labrador, not a... whatever it was. She couldn't pick the breed. It wasn't a Chihuahua, but she knew there were long coat varieties and this dog in Alan's arms didn't look like it was. Nor did it look like a Pomeranian because it didn't seem fuzzy enough. She remembered that little fuzzball of a dog that was on _'The Nanny'_. It was also the breed of dog Scully had been 'bequeathed' in an episode of  _'The X-Files'_ before he met a grizzly end with a 'monster of the week creature' some episodes later. It wasn't a Shih Tzu either, but had a similar long, silky coat.

Vanessa asked the obvious, "What is she? What's her name?"

"She's a Papillon. It's French for Butterfly... see the butterfly pattern from her face mask and ears? As for her name, it's Papi. And before you call me out on my poor naming skills, it was the name on the tag of her collar she was wearing," Alan indicated the small bone shaped tag on the thin red leather collar. "It now has my details engraved on the other side."

"Papi the Papillon?" Vanessa snorted as Papi tilted her head at the mention of her name.

"The other dog was named just as good... or poorly, depending on how you look at it."

"What do you mean?"

"The other dog is drop eared Papillon, which is a Phalene. So..."

"It was named  _Phalène,_ " surmised the red head.

"There was no collar or tag on her, but she got all excited when the vet said the word. It's French for Moth, which explains the dropped ears. The Sheriff has adopted  _Phalène_  but I'm not sure she's told the Doc yet."

"I wonder how Kelly will react when she finds out Mel's done that?"

"Melanie says she's got until May to figure it out," Alan laughed. " _Phalène_  is a little black and white one, about the same age as Papi and possibly from the same litter or were born around the same time. They're both house trained, know basic commands and were already spayed... that's what makes it so sad."

"So they were someone's pets and they just dumped them?"

"Looks like it. Melanie and Brad both said that it's not the first time animals have been dumped on the steps of the station, especially around the holidays. Even though Papi had a collar and tag, there was no address or phone number, and no microchip either. No microchip with  _Phalène_ either. They both had worms and were a little underweight, but apart from that they were in relatively good health. I had to take them to the animal shelter after I got to work, and I grew attached to this little one because she reminded me of another red headed butterfly I know."

"Are you... are you comparing  _me_  to a  _dog_?!"

"Are you comparing  _yourself_  to a dog? I see someone who I'd like to spend my time with... someone who I know will hold a special place in my heart... and someone who I could fall in love with very easily," Alan flirted before pretending he had been talking about the little dog in his arms, "... Isn't that right, Papi?"

Vanessa was thankful she wasn't one to blush because she would be beet red right now. How did Alan manage to make her feel this way so often?

Alan continued, "When Papi came up for adoption after her vet treatment and making sure noone wanted to claim her back, I couldn't resist. I guess I didn't tell you I'd adopted her just in case Papi and I didn't get along, but the cooling off period ended just a couple of days ago..." He directed his dimply smile only reserved for Vanessa at the red head, and maintained direct eye contact with her blue eyes, "... and I have a good feeling that this little butterfly might like me."

He did it again. He damn well did it again! How did he keep doing that?!

Vanessa asked, "Do I get to see if your dog likes me? Might be awkward if she doesn't."

Alan placed Papi on the ground and she immediately did a full body shake off resulting in her delicate legs splaying on the linoleum tiles, her silky coat and ear fringes puffing out a little more. Once she had gathered her footing, she trotted back towards Alan before a new but familiar scent piqued her interest. She followed her nose to Vanessa, who crouched down and held her hand out for the little dog to sniff. Papi touched her wet nose to Vanessa's fingers then focused her sniffing intently on Vanessa's jacket, which was actually Alan's duty jacket. She placed her front paws on Vanessa's knee and whined, wagging her curled, silky tail and pleading with her little brown eyes.

The seal of approval had been given... perhaps with the help of Alan's duty jacket.

Vanessa tenderly picked up Papi who quickly licked the tip of Vanessa's nose as soon as she was close enough to do so.

"I think Papi likes you," Alan laughed as Vanessa moved the little dog a little lower and scratched behind her ears. "She's got good taste, I'll give her that. What do you think, Papi? Can we keep her?" Alan teased again.

Papi made a noise of contentment as Vanessa continued to scratch.

"Hey, do you think your family will mind if I take Papi with us to Ohio for the holidays?"

"Umm... how about we talk about that later tonight?" Vanessa said, a hint of uncertainty in her tone that wasn't lost on Alan.

During this time, Deputy Sheriff Bradley Zimmerley had ended the telephone call. He observed the interaction between the Winthrop rookie and the woman he had helped rescue. Even he could see how much they were enamoured with each other even though he had never seen them interact with each other.

"Nice outfit, Mister Combat Cross recipient. Let me see your shiny badges!" Brad teased, getting up from his desk chair.

"Oh geez, don't  _you_  start!"

"Sorry I missed the ceremony, but some of us had to  _work_. It's nice to meet you under different and much more pleasant circumstances, Vanessa."

"Likewise," Vanessa shook Brad's outstretched hand.

"Mel said it was a nice ceremony when she picked up  _Phalène_  earlier. But my god, she was like a tornado! In and out in less than 30 seconds. I think she's probably going to call Kel tonight."

"She is," Alan said.

Vanessa chastised, "Alan!"

"You heard what she said before she took those photos of us. She  _needed_  to get home!" Alan reminded her.

" _Needed_?!" Brad's grey eyes lit up. "She specifically said ' _needed'_?"

Alan nodded, "Yes,  _needed_."

Brad rubbed his hand together in glee, "Time for some serious payback, sis."

"Don't do that!" Vanessa replied.

"Vanessa, I know how much Mel's teased you and Alan with all the Mopey's, Prince Charming's, Snow White's... shit like that," Brad stopped short of mentioning the song that was still a work in progress. "I know my sister because I've been subjected to it all with Heather when we first started dating back in high school. Hell, we still get it today after all these years! Then again, I've subjected Mel to similar as well with Kelly... starting with the goo goo eyes they made at each other during that first meeting at the Stanton family barbeque. It's our way of showing we care, and I think it's a  _great_  time for me to repay some of the love she's been bestowing on you both."

"What are you going to do?" Alan asked cautiously.

"Piss her off like only a younger sibling can do!" Brad sat down on the leather office chair, put his feet up on the corner of his desk, picked up the phone and pressed the button that was programmed for the Leonard house, giving both Alan and Vanessa an evil, cheeky smile. The phone was answered on the 4th ring.

 _"Hello?"_  Mel snapped.

"Heather, I- Oh, hey sis! Why are you at my house answering the phone? I thought you were going straight home?"

_"I am at **my**  house!"_

Brad answered with mock surprise, "You are?!"

_"Damnit, I think I know where I am! You dialled the wrong number!"_

"Shit! Sorry Mel," Brad replied. "I must I need a dialing wand. Bye!"

Bradley placed the phone back down to hang up, his smile getting more cheeky. The Winthrop Deputy waited a few moments before picking the receiver back up pressing the same preprogrammed button. This time it was answered on the 3rd ring.

_"HELLO!"_

"Mel, I forgot to ask while I had you on the phone. Have you done the rosters for the upcoming weeks?"

_"Tomorrow! I'll have them done tomorrow!"_

"And when do you need those DD5's?"

_"Tomorrow! You can give them to me tomorrow!"_

"What about-"

_"TOMORROW! Whatever it is Brad, it'll be TOMORROW! It's my night off, so: GOOD NIGHT!"_

Once again, Brad hung the phone up and waited almost a minute before pressing the preprogrammed button then an additional button on the desk telephone. He was struggling not to laugh by this time.

 _"WHAT!"_ Melanie screeched.

"Mel, are you alright? You sound a little high strung right now. You sure you don't need to give yourself a  _helping hand_  to take the edge off? Perhaps a phone call to Kelly might be a suggestion."

_"WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M TAKING TONIGHT OFF FOR? WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK I'M WAITING FOR? THE FUCKING TOOTH FAIRY?! I'M AS HORNY AS HELL AND I'M WAITING FOR MY WIFE, WHO'S ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD, TO SKYPE WITH! BRADLEY JONOTHAN FREDERICK ZIMMERLEY, I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL FUCKING REACH THROUGH THE FUCKING HANDSET, RIP YOUR TESTICLES OFF AND SHOVE THEM DOWN YOUR FUCKING THROAT IF YOU RING THIS PHONE ONE MORE **FUCKING**  TIME!"_

"Sis! Language! You're on  _speaker_ ," Brad drawled before he, Alan and Vanessa couldn't contain their laughter any longer.

_" **FUCK!**  I  **HATE**  YOU!"_

"I love you too! Say hello to your  _femme_  from all of us while you're having video phone sex with her!" Brad laughed heartily and quickly ended the call.

Once their laughter died down, Alan said "She's going to give you terrible roster hours."

"Nah, I doubt it. I guarantee she will if I call her again though. So, now Mel's thoroughly pissed as well as embarrassed, she'll back off with the teasing for a while. Now, Combat Cross,  _Commissioner's 20_ and  _President's 100_  recipient Sheriff Officer Irvine, get out of here. Vanessa, I'm sure your stay in Winthrop this time around will be much nicer."

Vanessa looked down at the little dog in hers arms, then over to Alan. She smiled, "I know it will be."

* * *

Alan retrieved the black soft sided pet carrier from the back seat of the Plymouth Fury now parked in the timber garage, while Vanessa, holding the leather bound case containing the Combat Cross, took in the surroundings of the small red roof cottage near Carlton Pond in the fading light. There were trees surrounding the cottage for privacy yet a clear view to the road; a large woodpile against the garage wall and a chopping block between the garage and the cottage; and a small, empty garden bed with a bird bath in the middle. She now realised that she had been about a mile away from Alan's cottage when she went for her walk after the Major Case interview.

A flash of silky white and red shot past Vanessa's feet and stopped the base of a pine tree. With her attempting to get as high as she could on her hind legs and her tail swishing across her back nonstop, Papi growled and yapped as loud as her Papillon bark would allow.

"She chased a squirrel up that tree this morning so I guess she's letting it know she's still around and hasn't forgotten," the rookie explained as he closed the garage door.

Vanessa commented, "She's a feisty little thing."

"Sounds familiar," Alan hummed in agreement.

"I walked right into that, didn't I?" the red head replied after a beat.

"I never said a word!" Alan proceeded to a door of the cottage near the chopping block and unlocked it, "Come on in, make yourself at home... Papi, inside!" He waited until Vanessa and Papi were both inside before closing the door and switching on the lights. "If it gets too cold, let me know so I can build a fire for you... the bathroom is the first door on the left down the hall. I'll get Papi fed and our dinner started once I'm changed out of this uniform."

"I can feed her for you," Vanessa offered, handing over the leather case to its rightful owner.

"Thanks. Just a scoop of dry food in the cupboard next to the fridge, no matter how much  _she_ begs for more and no matter how much  _you're_  tempted to give her more because she gets a raw chicken wing or drumstick in the morning... and make sure Papi sits before you put the bowl down. I want her to show you her manners."

While Alan disappeared to change, Vanessa filled Papi's food bowl and topped up her water, making sure the little dog sat before placing the bowl down. She wandered over to the lounge, spying the acoustic guitar on its stand in the corner. That was a surprise to the red head. Alan hadn't ever mentioned being able to play. Oh, he was definitely going to play for her while she was here. She spied the photos on the mantle and took a closer look. Vanessa couldn't help but smile at the photo of Alan with a head of curly hair on his 5th birthday, hugging his mother. If that wasn't the most adorable photograph imaginable, she didn't know what was! Alan in a prom tudexo, and in his graduation cap and gown hugging his Grandma. There was the group photos taken during Alan's informal presentation at Kelly and Mel's house in matching frames... but front and centre amongst all the frames was the photo of her and Alan. The same photo that sat on her bedside table.

A noise drew Vanessa from her musings. There by the point of her shoes was a mini tennis ball and Papi sitting down on her hindquarters, wagging her tail in anticipation.

* * *

"You know she won't stop until you do," Alan reappeared 15 minutes later having showered and changed into a grey woollen turtleneck and black jeans.

"I don't mind keeping her occupied while you're making us dinner. What are we having?"

"I don't want to be too stereotypical, but how does Maine Lobster Chowder and No-Bake Blueberry Cheesecake sound?"

"Sounds devine!"

"That's good. I made the cheesecake when I came home to get changed. The chowder will take about an hour to cook in total, but once I've got the vegetables and broth simmering we can go online and book our tickets for Ohio."

Vanessa made a noncommittal noise, focusing her attention on tossing the mini tennis ball for Papi while Alan gathering the ingredients. She knew spending the holidays in Ohio was something the rookie had been looking forward to, especially seeing he hadn't travelled very far in his life, and she had specifically invited him to accompany her. She just hoped Alan would understand.

"Soo... I see you have a guitar over in the corner," she made conversation while Alan peeled some potatoes.

"Yep."

"Will you play for me?"

"Nope."

"No?! Why not?"

Alan shrugged, "I don't play for anyone but me."

Vanessa tossed the ball across the room which the little Papillon skittered after. When Papi dropped the ball back near Vanessa feet, the red head asked, "Have you played for Papi?"

"Yeah, last night but-"

"Oh, so you'll play for _Papi_ , but not for  _me_. Huh. I guess I know who your favourite butterfly is."

"Vanessa," sighed Alan.

The red head pretended to be affronted, "No, no. I'm  _not_  offended. Papi is  _clearly_  preferred. I  _can't_  compete with silky ears and a swishy tail." She grinned a toothy smile, "But I  _might_  be able to compete with puppy dog eyes though."

"Oh  _this_  I  _have_  to see," Alan said, rinsing the peeled potatoes under the faucet. He placed the potatoes back on the chopping board, wiped his hands on a kitchen cloth then folded his arms across his chest in anticipation, "Go ahead."

Vanessa tilted her head downwards and pouted, her blue eyes looking back up at the hazel brown watching her.

"Not bad... not bad at all. I'd better compare though. Papi..." Alan waited until the dog was near his feet, looking up at him. "Do you want... a  _treat_?"

Papi's ears pricked up at the last word and got very excited to say the least.  _A treat! A yummy turkey jerky strip! Yes, Daddy!... Daddy, why aren't you getting the treat?... It's in that cupboard there, just open the door!... Oh, please Daddy! A yummy treat for Papi! Pleeeeeease!_

Alan couldn't help but laughed at the pitiful whine Papi gave him. He couldn't deny a whine like that.

"That's not playing fair," huffed Vanessa.

" _You_  can whine if you think it might work," Alan said opening the cupboard and retrieving half a turkey strap from an air tight jar. He made sure Papi sat before rewarding her with her treat. Papi carried the strip to her plastic mat a short distance away to where her bowls resided, plopped down and ate the treat with gusto. Alan shook is head in amazement. How could anyone have dumped such a great little dog? Both dogs for that matter. He focused his attention back to Vanessa. Once again, Vanessa tilted her head down, pouted, looked back up at Alan's hazel brown eyes.

" _Pleeeeeease!_ " Vanessa whined, fluttering her eyelids for good measure.

Both of then burst out laughing after Alan rolled his eyes in response.

"So?" Vanessa prompted for an answer.

Alan began chopping the potatoes, shaking his head. "I'll  _think_  about playing a song... for  _Papi_ , of course."

Vanessa smiled in triumph, "Of course!"

* * *

The aroma of leeks, onions, garlic, pancetta and herbs still lingered in the air as Alan poured pre-made clam juice, seafood stock and chicken broth in the pot, then added the potatoes and reduced the heat.

"It has to simmer for 30 minutes before I add the lobster meat, then another 30 minutes before we eat. So, I'll fire up my laptop and we can book our tickets from Newark. I'll fly down to you first and have a day together before we fly to Ohio," Alan indicated the desk on the other side of the lounge room.

Vanessa worried her bottom lip, "Umm... yeah, about that..."

"If your family doesn't want me to take Papi, I can leave her with Mel or Brad. The dogs stay with us at the station most of the day seeing someone's always there, even if there's a call out. But I'd prefer to take her with us. You can see how well behaved she is this weekend."

"How would you and Papi like to stay in New Jersey instead?" Vanessa said simply as she guided Alan to the sofa.

"What do you mean?" Alan sat down on the left side so Vanessa could sit beside him on his right.

"I mean, I want you to come to down to New Jersey for my birthday, Christmas and New Year."

It took a moment for Alan to comprehend what Vanessa wasn't saying, "It's not Papi... _I'm_  not welcome, am I? Your father doesn't want me there in Ohio."

The red head sighed heavily, "My father made it very clear to me last night that you weren't welcome. I made it very clear to him that if you weren't welcome, neither was I."

"Vanessa, it's  _your_  family gathering! You go, I can stay-"

"Alan, no! Everyone in our family is allowed to invite a guest, and  _you_  are  _my_  guest. My father won't dictate to me who I can and can't invite to these types of gatherings, and if  _he_  can't accept that  _you're_  in my life, that's his problem, not mine!"

"I don't want to cause problems in your family."

"You're not. My father is. And if it wasn't you, I guarantee it would be someone else. He still thinks I'm a child, not a grown woman who can make her own decisions. He still wants to know what happened in the cabin so he can make everything right or better to fix his broken little girl, and I sure as hell am  _not_  going to tell him what happened other than the basics that he already knows... Kelly said that sometimes you have to leave a family to make your own... that's what I'm doing. I can't live my life with him in it right now. I'm still on great terms with Ronnie, and good terms with Val and Mom, but at this point in my life I want nothing to do with my father. He's never apologised for his treatment of you when you took me back to the hospital... he's never even thanked you for rescuing me. I doubt he ever will because that's the type of man that he is."

"I just wish I wasn't the cause of this."

Vanessa rested her head on Alan's shoulder, "You're  _not_ , believe me. It's been a long time coming, you just happened to be the 'excuse' at the time. It's  _his_  loss if he never gets to see me get married one day, or see any children I might have."

Alan draped his right arm across Vanessa's back and rested his hand on her waist to hold her closer, "You think about having kids? Even after everything that happened?"

"One day... with the right man, of course. You?"

"I do... with the right woman, of course. I already have a name picked out."

"A name? That's a bit presumptuous."

"It's gender neutral, so it covers all bases."

"Will you tell me?"

Alan nodded, "Cassidy."

"That's the last name of  _Oey's_  father, Brian."

"I know it's a last name... it just that the name Cassidy means _'descendant of the curly haired one'_." Alan tugged a tuft of his hair at his forehead to emphasise the point, "Seems appropriate, don't you think?"

"I think it's a great name," Vanessa agreed.

Neither occupants of the little cottage in Carlton Pond knew that the other was thinking the same thing: _'For our child'_. Nor did Alan and Vanessa know at that very moment in time, Cassidy Irvine would be a reality in the years to come.

"Alright," Alan broke the silence. "I'll spend your birthday, Christmas and New Year with you in New Jersey on 2 conditions."

"Which are?"

"We go to Times Square to watch the ball drop to bring in 2014. I've seen it on the television so many times, I'd like to be there for real and watch it drop at least once in my life."

"The other?"

"Papi can come with me."

"Deal. You don't have to negotiate that. I know you and Papi are a packaged deal now. She can explore Central Park... plenty of squirrels to chase there," Vanessa giggled.

"What would you like to do tomorrow? Keep in mind it could start snowing," Alan asked once they both stopped laughing.

"Something that you probably don't want me to do."

"Like?"

"I want to go back to the cabin."

"The cabin doesn't exist any more. It's been demolished. They'll be making a tranquility garden in the spring."

"Where the cabin  _was_  then."

"Are you sure it's a good idea?"

Vanessa shrugged, "I talked to Doctor Lindstrom about it, and he thinks it might help bring me a form of closure for what happened. I could break down crying, or yell and scream... I might even feel nothing at all, but I believe I need to do it. I'd like you to be there with me, I know I'll need my rock with me."

"You don't have it in your pocket?"

"I meant my  _human_  rock," Vanessa fished the heart shaped river stone from her suit coat beneath Alan's duty jacket and held it in the palm of her right hand for the previous owner to see, "I always carry my little rock with me everywhere."

"I'll take you to where the cabin was," Alan moved his left hand in front of him, palm facing up. "Hold my hand?"

"Never let go," Vanessa placed the smooth river stone in Alan's hand before covering the stone with her right, their fingers interlocking together.

Alan raised their hands, pressing a soft kiss to the middle of the 'X' scar that marred the back of Vanessa's hand. "I  _guess_  I could play a song while our dinner cooks... for Papi."

"I think Papi would love to hear you play for her."

"Papi, come here!" Alan called as he reluctantly let go of Vanessa's hand to retrieve his guitar from its stand in the corner of the room.

The little red and white Papillon trotted out of her soft sided pet carrier which doubled as another bed. She stopped at Alan's feet, who had just sat down on the coffee table opposite Vanessa and removed the plectrum interwoven in the strings at the neck. Vanessa picked up Papi, placed the dog in her lap and waited in anticipation, slipping the smooth river stone back in her suit coat. She knew that the song wasn't for Papi, but it was easier for the both them to pretend, to use the dog as a conduit. She only expected Alan to play the guitar, not serenade her with an acoustic version of a teen pop song written almost 10 years ago, but she didn't care.

The lyrics spoke volumes on every level, and it was the biggest declaration of love so far... even if they continued with the adament guise of 'just friends'.

_**I don't want another pretty face,** _   
_**I don't want just anyone to hold,** _   
_**I don't want my love to go to waste,** _   
_**I want you and your beautiful soul.** _   
_**You're the one I want to chase,** _   
_**You're the one I want to hold,** _   
_**I won't let another minute go to waste,** _   
_**I want you and your beautiful soul.** _ **~ Jesse McCartney (Beautiful Soul)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know readers were probably expecting the skype "conversation" between Melanie and Kelly. I promise that's next chapter too ;-).


	56. Chapter 56

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sorry for the length of this chapter because I wouldn't want to be criticised for Mel and Kelly "hogging the spotlight" for a whole chapter ;-) So readers are basically getting 2 chapters in this one. Not sorry for the Sheriff/Doctor interaction, Liv's thoughts, or Liv and Alex... ahem... So there's some lady loving in this chapter ;-).

_**Girl relax, let's go slow,** _   
_**I ain't got nowhere to go,** _   
**_I'm just gonna concentrate on you,_  
 _Girl, are you ready? It's gonna be a long night._ ~ Boyz II Men (I'll Make Love to You)**

Olivia smiled as her eyes connected with Alex's in the mirror of their bedroom. The blonde had finished applying the cocoa butter cream to the scars that mutilated Liv's back a little earlier, and now it was time to reconnect. Currently being the night of Saturday December 7, it had been 4 days since she had returned to SVU. 4 days since Tucker's downfall. 4 days since she had said her safe word to halt. Liv knew those words were her safety net, but she never imagined she'd have to stop. Not with Alex. In the nights since that Tuesday evening, she and Alex had cuddled and shared kisses; played music to  _Oey_  via Liv's phone resting on her expanding stomach, including humming the Mr Softee song; debated _Oey's_  first name at length, but there hadn't been any more attempts to further their intimacy.

Liv had sifted through paperwork for a majority of the day. Whilst monotonous for the most part, it was easy work for her. Not only was it helping ease herself slowly back into 'SVU life', it was also giving Liv a taste of what being a Sergeant could be like... provided she passed her exams. She and Fin wouldn't know their results until January 3, her last day before she took maternity leave. Olivia also assisted Joe Dumas interview a male to female transgender sexual assault victim, who was initially reluctant to open up to Liv and Doom about her assault. Liv wanted to see how she and Doom operated as a team, having observed his aggressive perp interview technique from the viewing area in the days previous. Olivia knew asking for a new partner was the right decision to make, and for the SVU team as a whole. It also helped Doom have that closer connection to  _Oey_. Doom had informed Olivia that no matter what name she and Alex chose for their daughter, he'd probably still call her  _Oey_  because it was such an 'Uncle' thing to do.

After work, Olivia travelled to the East Side and talked to Margo at the Rape Crisis Centre on how to move past the current stagnation regarding intimacy. Margo reminded Olivia that stumbles with progress were to be expected and not to be too hard on herself, because Liv should be pleased with the progressed she and Alex had made so far. Liv didn't have the heart to tell Margo that her libido was a raging inferno right now, especially after hearing Alex gasp out her name in the bathroom this morning. When Olivia observed Alex exit the bathroom with a slight flush to her pale skin, all she wanted to do was back Alex up against the bathroom door; hitch up the charcoal pencil skirt the blonde was wearing; slip aside the crotch of her lace panties; push 2 fingers inside, then a 3rd for good measure; and watch Alex come apart before her very eyes.

Claim Alex's mouth as her forearm and wrist burned from exertion.

Listen to Alex scream her name as she felt her fingers being clenched and drawn further inside Alex's warm core.

Refamiliarise herself with Alex's unique essence that coated her fingers... but then Liv's libido would wane because she knew Alex would want to reciprocate the pleasure she had received. Olivia desperately wanted to receive that glorious pleasure. The mere thought of Alex's face buried between her thighs; the ADA's mouth and tongue alternating between teasing her opening and her bundle of nerves would make her sexual desire skyrocket as high as the  _Burj Khalifa_  Tower. However the fear of the unknown, all thanks to Lewis Williams, was outweighing the want. It was like a damn seesaw of relentless horniness and apprehensiveness.

That was until Margo reminded Olivia of an idea to take to try and get back on track. To hopefully overcome the anxiety of Alex touching her intimately. It made sense when Margo said it and Olivia couldn't figure out why she hadn't thought of that suggestion herself. Before she left, Olivia informed Margo of her decision to become a rape crisis counsellor after her final year at SVU.

Before returning to the apartment, Liv made a stop at the jewellery store to make another payment on Alex's engagement ring. She would make the final payment next Saturday and take possession of the ring, allowing her to propose to Alex the very next evening, Sunday December 15. That particular date would also mark 32 weeks of pregnancy for the brunette. She had booked a table at the Rock Centre Café, the same restaurant she and Alex had gone to on their 'dinner date' at Rockerfeller Centre, asking for a private table to overlook the Ice Rink and Christmas tree. Alex had asked a number of times for clues regarding their next romantic evening, but each time Liv refused to divulge anything apart from suggesting perhaps dressy casual attire. She had contemplated asking Alex to wear that red dress again, but how would Alex ice skate in that off the shoulder maxi dress? Also keeping their attire dressy casual, it would help conceal the purpose of the evening. Even when Alex guessed the location for their next romantic evening, Olivia just shook her head and suggested the blonde keep guessing, just like she had done for each other 'dinner date' location Alex had offered. Olivia wanted to keep Alex in the dark as much as possible because she didn't want anything to ruin the proposal that was now only 8 days away.

Olivia watched their reflections as Alex's lips descended on the curve of her neck, the sensation of the ADA's pebbled nipples brushing against her back making her sigh. Thank goodness Alex had turned the thermostat up some more this evening, but Liv knew the temperature had no bearing on their bodily reactions right now. Safe words had already been reaffirmed, the purpose of this exercise discussed, all clothes except panties removed, and Liv hoped that she wouldn't have to stop altogether like the previous time. Alex's hands snaked around to rest on Olivia's growing stomach, the tip of her left index finger running up and down some of the developing fine _linea nigra_  bisecting Liv's torso from below her enlarging breasts to disappearing beneath her boy shorts. A majority of pregnant woman developed a  _linea nigra_  in their second trimester, some could develop one at any time during their pregnancy, or some no line at all.

Pressing flush against Olivia's back now, Alex settled her left hand to cup Liv's breast, her thumb teasing the darkened nipple. Her soft lips nibbled up the column of Liv's neck, her tongue darting out for the briefest of swipes on that particular sweet spot near Olivia's ear. The gesture earned her a hum of approval from the brunette as Olivia's hand rested on top of hers. Alex's right hand traversed downward towards Olivia's hip, not daring to go any further when her fingertips felt the boy short waist band.

"Whenever you're ready," whispered Alex, her left hand still toying with the breast it covered.

"Uh-huh," Olivia nodded, not bothering to rush the pace any time soon. She was relishing the gentle touches from the blonde, and the intimacy in general. She couldn't believe it had taken her so long to tell Alex she loved her and now she couldn't imagine her life without the younger woman. The gilt of gold on Alex's left ring finger caught in the bedroom light, making Olivia smile at their reflection. In just over a week, that thin band would be returned to its rightful owner and replaced with the engagement ring.

Still smiling, Liv looked back over her shoulder before Alex closed the gap between them. Their mouths, lips and tongues sliding together, over and over again. The sensation of Alex sucking on the tip of her tongue sent Olivia's libido into overdrive. It had been too long since Alex had sucked her tongue like that, and it was just as erotic as she remembered. As their mouths slid together again, Olivia placed her right hand on top of Alex's resting on her hip and guided their combined hands lower ever so slowly.

Margo surmised Olivia could touch herself or masturbate without reacting (including when Liv imagined it was Alex's hand when she did), it was more than likely because Olivia was in control of the action. Perhaps Olivia being in control of Alex's hand for the next phase might help them move forward. With the lamb shanks still cooking in the slow cooker, they had time to try. Liv could stop or pause at any time until she was confident to let Alex take over. Margo said it might take several attempts before Olivia was ready for Alex to do that. But until such time, Olivia was in control of the pace.

Ending the kiss, Liv took a calming breath through her nose and paused. She had only moved their hands a little over an inch closer to the intended destination on top of her panties, but it was huge step to take. The fear that she would remember something loomed over her. Just as Lewis Williams loomed over her vulnerable body before her eyes would slide out of focus and lose consciousness when she had been drugged. Though that Beast still terrorised Liv at night, invading her dreams to make them nightmares, Lewis Williams had taken more of Olivia Benson's life than he should be ever have been allowed, he wasn't going to take any more.

"Liv?" Alex asked, seeing Olivia had closed her eyes. They weren't closed tightly as if in fear or panic, just closed like she was about to have eye makeup applied.

" _Yellow_... I'm at  _yellow_ ," Liv murmured, her eyes still shut. She took another deep, calming breath and let it out. "Love you, sweetheart."

"I love you too."

Olivia's eyes opened lazily and reconnected with the blue ones at her shoulder. She pressed her lips to Alex's for the briefest of kisses before turning her head to face forward. Liv arched her neck slightly to the side in hope the blonde would understand what she wanted without words. Brown eyes slid shut once again as the sensation of Alex's lips descending on that sweet spot near her ear overwhelmed Olivia. Moaning throatily at the contact, Liv moved their combined hands lower once more. She was thankful Lewis hadn't ruined that erogenous zone for her. Only a handful of past lovers knew of that spot, but only the most important one of all mattered now. And right now,  _that_  lover was working that zone's magic with a languid lick. Even in the haze of intimacy, Liv was still cognizant to take stock of each movement closer to between her legs.

Alex felt the left hand she was toying Liv's breast with being given a gentle squeeze in acknowledgement. Even though Olivia wasn't verbalising anything right now, the tiny gesture spoke volumes to the ADA. She splayed her fingers open and allowed Liv to interweave her own fingers between the gaps. Once again, Alex's right hand was being moved lower. Even on top of the cotton boy shorts, she could just feel the pad of her middle finger come to rest at Olivia's folds. Still pressing up against the brunette, Alex felt the expansion as Liv inhale deeply once more. Even if Olivia stopped right now, Alex knew there had been significant progress made so far tonight.

"Still  _yellow_?" Alex whispered, her tone a little huskier than intended.

"Uh-huh," Olivia swallowed thickly, her eyes still closed.

It was several minutes before Olivia gathered the courage moved their combined hands again. Except this time she held her breath, waiting for the flashbacks, the memories, or the terrifying unknowns to overwhelm her as she boldly let Alex's hand with her own on top slide into place and cupped herself delicately.

Alex studied the brunette in the mirror, waiting for the fear and panic to take hold. She watched as a tear slipped from Olivia's closed eyes and silently slid down her cheek.

Then another.

And another.

"Liv?" The concern in Alex's tone was quite audible.

Olivia's upper body shook when she finally took a breath. Her mouth twisted into an odd, pained smile before she opened her eyes. Only one word was choked out by the SVU detective, "Nothing."

"Nothing?" repeated the ADA, still concerned for Olivia's wellbeing.

"Nothing..." Liv looked back over her shoulder at Alex, "... no  _red_."

Without giving Alex a chance to respond, Olivia closed the gap and kissed Alex softly. She felt relief wash over her as their mouths slid together again.

Another step taken.

Another hurdle overcome.

Liv pressed Alex's hand a little firmer to between her legs. The small amount of friction sent the brunette's sex drive skyward, their kissing more insistent, more fervent. Those thoughts of desire from this morning mingling with others from the past made Olivia moan more throatily in arousal. It had been over 8 years since Alex had heard a moan like that from Olivia yet she knew exactly what was happening to Liv.

"What are you thinking?" Alex panted as they ended the kiss and rested their foreheads together.

"How much I want you  _right_  now... how much I  _can't_  have you," Liv lamented with a gasp.

"Who says you can't?"

Olivia swallowed, "I say. You'd want to reciprocate what I want to do to you, you know I'm  _not_  ready for that."

"We'll get to reciprocating later... tell me what  _you_  want to do to  _me_ right now."

"Remember our night together?"

"How could I  _ever_  forget."

"I'd relive some of it, change some of it."

"Which part?"

"Right now, I'd sit on the edge of our bed and have you stand between my legs... I'd kiss your abdomen for a while because I know what it does to you... After a time, I'd pull down your panties... lick those tattoos and bruise the skin so you won't forget in a hurry... Then, I'd make love to you with my mouth... taste you again like I've wanted to do for the longest time... make you orgasm  _over_  and  _over_  again until you couldn't stand up any longer."

Alex felt the incessant throb between her own legs increase after Olivia painted a very clear picture for her. Her lips brushed against the shell of Olivia's ear, "I  _want_  you to do that to me. I  _want_  to taste myself on your lips again."

"But-"

"No buts. Liv, if  _you_  want to do that to  _me_ , then  _I_  want _you_  to do that to me. Think of it as a kind of reward... for  _both_  of us."

"You won't want to reciprocate?"

"I've told you, we'll get to that  _later_... when  _you're_  ready. Right now,  _you_  want this and so do  _I_. Now if you're not going to do what you said you wanted to do to me, I'm going to have to take matters into my own hands like I did this morning."

"Bed," was all Olivia could manage.

The brunette turned and headed for her side of the bed, their combined hands still between her legs and on her left breast creating mind blowing friction. She was thankful that Alex kept pace with her for the short distance as she stopped. Liv reluctantly moved their combined hands away, sat down on the edge of the bed and parted her thighs. As soon as Alex stepped inside the gap, Olivia wrapped her arms around Alex's thighs and pulled the blonde even closer. Her nose and left cheek gently nuzzling Alex's abdomen, making it ripple and quiver. Alex placed a hand on Olivia's shoulder, the other threaded through shaggy brown hair and cradled the back of Liv's scalp.

Looking up at the darkening blue eyes looking down at her, Liv's tongue dipped inside Alex's navel with a flick. The moan from Alex that it caused made Olivia laugh breathily, which in turn caused Alex to laugh lightly too. Even though this was yet another serious step to take tonight, both delighted in the easy playfulness that was currently occurring. Olivia dipped her tongue in Alex's navel again then began scattering open mouth kisses on pale, toned flesh, her hands caressing hips and thighs. All of a sudden, Olivia halted.

"Wha?" Alex mumbled under a fog of growing arousal.

Olivia panted, "I was just waiting for Jack Hammond to knock at the door to interrupt us."

Alex shook her head, "Not gonna happen... he's retired now."

"Good!" Liv smiled, hooking the tips of her fingers into the sides of Alex's lace panties.

Just like their first time together, Olivia waited until Alex nodded her permission before sliding the panties down just enough to reveal the 2 small works of body art. Both women licked their lips in anticipation knowing what was to happen next. Olivia gave Alex a lop sided smile before swiping her tongue broadly over the Peace sign, then similarly over the Scales of Justice. Her teeth gently grazed the newer tattooed flesh before sealing her lips over and sucking enough to mark the surrounding skin. While Olivia bestowed the same attention to the older tattoo, she lowered Alex's panties until gravity took over.

Once Alex had kicked her panties out of the way, her eyes closed involuntarily as she felt Olivia's hands slide from the back of her thighs and rest on her ass. The ADA's breath hitched sharply when Liv pulled her hips forward and press an open mouth kiss to her bare folds. Alex's fingers clenched Olivia's shaggy hair tighter to steady herself as the brunette's tongue finally ran the length of her slit. Olivia took a moment to savor the essence on her lips and tongue that was purely Alex Cabot. It had been far too long since she had tasted the woman she loved, but she knew it wouldn't be years before it happened again.

This, tonight, was just the beginning of Olivia and Alex's forever... no matter how much time it took before Olivia was ready for Alex to reciprocate this type of intimacy.

The SVU detective focused her attention on the blonde's bundle of nerves as she slipped 2 fingers between Alex's folds to coat them with wetness before entering her core. Her thrusts slow, her curling deliberate to hit that spongy, front wall inside of Alex, making the ADA whimper and mewl with pleasure. Olivia heard Alex's breathing become shorter, more ragged before Alex gasped her name as the orgasm took over the blonde's body. With her fingers still buried inside Alex, Olivia got to her feet as fast as her pregnant body would allow so Alex wouldn't crumple to a boneless heap on the carpet. Olivia carefully extracted her fingers and cupped Alex protectively as she allowed Alex to rest against her.

Alex groggily lifted her head from Olivia's shoulder after several long moment and kissed the brunette, finally tasting herself on Olivia's lips again after all these years. Both women held each other tenderly, each murmuring their 'Thankyous' and 'I love yous' over and over again.

* * *

"Fuck!" Mel threw the cordless phone down on the sofa in disgust. It was bad enough being called out by Alan in front of Vanessa after the ceremony, but to have your own brother do it at the station with Alan and Vanessa laughing in the background... OH SHIT. The other Winthrop Sheriff Officer, Sheriff Officer Pollack, better not have been there and heard! She tightened the knot that cinched her satin robe closed, "Bradley, when I do the rosters tomorrow, you are  _so_  not having sex with  _your_  wife for the next month now because of  _that_  little stunt! Night duty  _every_  night, and you're going to be on call Christmas Day AND New Year too! You can explain it to Heather, because I sure as hell won't be!"

The little black and white drop eared Papillon was dancing on her hind legs to be picked up, which Melanie promptly did. The Sheriff's anger and frustration dissipated as  _Phalène_  promptly licked her chin.

"Aww, I'm sorry for raising my voice  _Phalène_. Uncle Brad made Momma get angry because she can't wait to see  _Maman_ on the computer screen. Only a few more minutes to go!" Mel scratched  _Phalène's_ head as she wandered back to the kitchen for a drink.

Once Mel had taken a large mouthful of juice, she placed the carton back, closed the fridge and resumed talking to the dog, "And  _Maman's_  probably not going to be too happy with me for adopting you!... No, she won't! But I know  _exactly_  what I have to do to get  _Maman_  to agree to let me keep you, because  _I_  have  _Maman_  wrapped around my finger! Well... I only wish I could have her wrapped around my fingers right now... buried deep inside her... ...and I'm so grateful you have  _no_  idea what I'm talking about right now!... So if  _Maman_  says no today, it won't matter because we have until May before she comes back! Kelly won't be able to say no after all that time... You want to know what else is so good about you, _Phalène_? You won't tell  _Maman_  how much bacon Mac and cheese I've been eating while she's been away, or how much I've been drinking straight out of the juice carton... No you won't!... No you won't!... But you're going to have to stay out of the bedroom for some time while  _Maman_  and Momma have a little... _tête-à-tête_. See, Momma and  _Maman's_  planned _tête-à-tête_  is not for little eyes, even if they are only canine eyes."

Mel placed  _Phalène_  back down on the ground before grabbing the small dog treat ball she had purchased the day before and filling it with a scoop of dry dog food. She adjusted the setting, placed it on the ground and whistled softly.  _Phalène_  trotted over and immediately began pushing the treat ball around her nose, her tail wagging incessantly. She knew how this game was played having played it before! Move the ball, get some food. Move the ball more, get even more food!

Melanie didn't want to leave  _Phalène_  alone while she talked with Kelly... and did other things... so this was the easiest way to keep the little dog occupied for the length of the call. The shaggy blonde picked up the cordless phone and placed it back on its charger, then set the answering machine. Nothing was going to disturb her plans now. She raced and grabbed her tablet computer from the office then headed for the master bedroom. Making sure she left the door ajar, just in case  _Phalène_ needed her, Mel set up the tablet on the bedside table in preparation. She discarded her robe and replaced it with the high collar dress uniform coat including her aiguillette shoulder cords and Sheriff badge. Mel opened the bedside drawer and removed 2 preferred items before she settled on her side of the bed and waited.

Thank goodness she didn't have to wait too long.

The telltale sound of the incoming call made the Sheriff jump.

* * *

Kelly triple checked the door was locked to her cramped demountable room and the 'Do Not Disturb' sign was still in place. Even though it was only 6 in the morning, there would be hell to pay if any of her coworkers disturbed her. For the most of her deployment thus far, the spiky salt and pepper haired emergency doctor had been at Tacloban in the Leyte Province after initially being at Guiuan on Samar Island. She had been working tirelessly since she arrived, performing minor surgeries and treating the sick and injured locals. She had also travelled to some of the smaller outlying islands of Samar Island via small charter planes and ferries with other MSF team members as part of a mobile clinic. There were still remote areas that hadn't received as much aid as hoped for, however with the difficulties associated with wet season and the utter devastation from Typhoon Haiyan made for even more complications. However, the MSF teams were doing the best they could under the circumstances.

Once a day, Kelly had sent Melanie a short text so her wife wouldn't worry as much as she knew Mel would be. Every 2 to 3 days a short phone call just so they could hear each others voice, but it was the once a week video calls that Doctor Leonard looked forward to the most. She was thankful and grateful that her own phone, and phone technology in general, had advanced quite a lot since her time in Haiti.

She padded back to her single bed, removing the cotton sports bra she had slept in and replaced it with a loose camisole top. The sleep shorts could stay put. She ran a hand over her head to 'brush' her hair, not that it really needed it. After increasing the small table fan's speed and grabbing her phone, Kel settled on the bed, adjusted the pillows against the metal bed frame and made the call.

" _Femme,_ " Kelly purred when she saw Melanie on the screen in their bed. The Sheriff had put some subtle makeup on, but the soft red lipstick was a welcome surprise.

"Hello, my beautiful wife."

Kel scoffed, "Oh yeah, I look-"

" _Beautiful_. You look  _gorgeous_ , honey. But I know I'm very bias towards you... and Doctor Cuddy, but she's a fictional character, therefore you  _so_  much more!"

"But Lisa Edelstein  _is_  real, Melly."

"And yet I'm married to  _you,_  you hot piece of ass!"

"I'm hot alright. The humidity is terrible right now. Although, I  _am_  hot to trot right now!"

"Aren't you always?"

"Aren't  _you_?"

"See, we're so compatible and that's why we got married!"

Kelly held up her left hand at the phone,  _"Mon coeur est à vous."_

"Because you loved me," Mel mirrored the gesture.

" _Soooooo_... what are  _you_  wearing apart from your dress uniform coat?"

Melanie pursed her lips then beamed, "A smile!"

"Don't tease, babe."

"Under my dress uniform coat, I'm wearing just my tie... and that sheer black thong with the little red bow at the front that you bought me."

" _Baise-moi!_ "

"I intend that  _you'll_  fuck _me_  thoroughly very soon. It just depends on how you'll do it? Fingers?..." Mel waggled the fingers of her right hand at the screen, "... Vibrator?..." She held up the non phallic slender purple silicone toy with a slightly curved tip in her left hand, then held up a non phallic blue silicone dildo at the juncture of the shaft and bulb with her right hand, "... or strapless strap on?"

Kelly licked her lips, "I'd use my mouth right now if I could."

"I know you would," Mel replied before poking her tongue out.

"Don't poke it out unless you intend to use it!"

"Kel babe, I  _do_  intend using it the day you come home. Come to think of it, I doubt we'll leave the house for a week. Now... how do you want to fuck me tonight? Or do you want to make love to me?"

"I want to make love to you with..." Kelly considered the options before eventually settling with, "... the vibrator. You've charged it?"

"Of course! I'm going to move the tablet to your side of the bed... make it seem like you're right here with me," Mel said before put the strapless strap on back in the drawer. She propped the tablet to rest against the pillows, positioned herself as if she were straddling Kel's hips, then focused her attention back to her wife, "So what do  _you_  want  _me_  to do, Doctor Leonard?"

"First of all, I want you to unbutton your coat and open it wide for me."

Kelly watched in rapt fascination as Melanie unbuttoned then parted open the black coat. True to her word, a black dress tie hung between the Sheriff's breasts and she was wearing that thong. So sheer that Melanie's strip of trimmed blonde curls could be seen. The doctor's hand itched to reach between Mel's breasts, grab the tie, pull her wife closer and kiss her passionately. Instead, Kelly began unconsciously rubbing herself on top of her sleep shorts.

"Play with your nipples... pretend it's my hands and mouth on them," Kel instructed.

Mel kneaded her breasts, pinching and tweaking her nipples as her imagination played along with the suggestions. The Sheriff's arousal was beginning to grow from the pleasure she was giving herself, make her groan and sigh. Even though she was on the other side of the world, the spiky haired doctor recognised those little noises of pleasure being made by her wife.

Kelly continued, "Now take your coat off and toss it to the end of the bed. I want to see  _you_ , babe. It's been  _too_  long."

Melanie made a show of removing her coat and lobbed it to her side of the bed. It promptly slipped off the quilt covering the bed and onto the bedroom floor. Kelly also removed her camisole and tossed it on the floor of her cramped room while Mel took off her coat. Picking up the phone, Kel's hand slipped beneath her sleep shorts and resumed its pleasant rubbing.

"Now what, honey?" Mel asked, her hands resuming their teasing of her own nipples.

"I think you should tease yourself with the vibrator just like I'd tease you."

"Which setting? You know there's 10 different rhythms to choose from."

"Put on the 3rd setting seeing that's your favourite, Mel. Nipples first, then... we'll see where we to go from there."

Kelly's nostrils flared when Mel picked the vibrator and waved it lazily in front of the tablet before licking the length of the purple shaft and kissing the curved tip. She knew exactly how talented that mouth was and she missed it so much. The doctor's fingers sped up their ministrations beneath her sleep shorts as the Sheriff chose her preferred setting, turned the vibrator on and drew random patterns over her breasts and nipples. Kel wanted nothing more than the seal her lips over those taut buds, swirl them with her tongue, tug them lightly with her teeth.

"Take your panties off."

"Bossy much?" Mel scoffed, turning the vibe off.

"Please take off your panties so I can see you in all your beautiful, naked glory."

"The tie?"

"Keep it on for me," Kelly said with a wink.

Melanie scooted back to the end of the bed and turned around. She gave her toned ass a little teasing wiggle to the screen before easing the string waist band down to her knees, then removed it completely. Mel turned back around, resumed her original position of kneeling and sitting back on her feet, her thigh parted open even more this time around.

"Miss me?" Mel asked with a hint of cheeky innocence.

"Like you wouldn't believe."

"I would, because I miss you just as much. But  _this_  right now... it's all for you, babe. So what do I do now with this..." Melanie waved the vibrator again, "... personal massage device?"

"Run it up and down your landing strip until I say otherwise."

Kelly watched her wife tease herself with the purple toy, the little noises of ecstasy coming from Melanie increasing with each stroke. Kelly's own hand sped up to keep pace with the Sheriff. It was the doctor's intention that they would come together, or as close as possible. But after her partial hysterectomy, it took Kel a little longer to be wet enough without Mel's mouth or the use of lubricant.

"Now tease your labia."

"Babe, stop teasing  _me_! I want it on my clit!"

" _Femme! Attendez!_ "

"WAIT?!" Melanie was incredulous. "WAIT?! THAT'S  _NOT_  FAIR, BABE!"

"Honey, put it on your clit when I say to, not before! Now run it up and down your labia."

Mel's eyes narrowed at the denial, then she smirked. "Kelly?"

"Yes?"

"Can we get a cat?"

"Yea- WHAT?!" Kelly screeched.

Mel repeated, "Can we get a  _cat_?"

"JESUS MEL! WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME THIS NOW?!"

"I just wanna know if we can have a cat?"

"NO! NO CAT! There are only 2 pussies in our house!  _Yours_  and  _mine_! Now take the vibrator and-"

"That's good, because I adopted a  _dog_."

"WHAT?!"

"I adopted one of the dogs that were dumped on the step of the station. Now you wanted me to take the vibrator and what?"

"MELANIE! NO!"

"No vibrator?"

"NO DOG!"

"Oh!... Oh, ok then. Well, I'd better take her back to the shelter right away then. Bye babe!" Mel waved before reaching her hand towards the screen.

"Melanie  _Patricia Genevieve_  Leonard, don't even  _think_  of ending this call! I can't believe you did that! I can't believe you adopted a dog without asking me! We always talk about these things!"

Mel gave Kelly a withering  _'You've got to be kidding me, right?!'_  look.

Kel cringed, "Fair enough. I can't throw  _that_  excuse about under the current circumstances."

"Kelly  _Josephine_  Leonard, I'm lonely,  _alright_!" Mel snapped before her voice softened, "I'm  _lonely_ with you not being here at home, especially at night... and unlike when we tried to adopt after David, noone's going to take her from us at the last moment."

"Mel, we've  _never_  had a pet before."

"Because we've always lived in an  _apartment_. We have our  _own_  house now with a yard."

" _Incroyable,_ " Kelly muttered.

"I'm unbelievable?!"

Kelly remained silent, shaking her head. The silence between the married women was deafening. Rubbing her forehead with the back of her hand in frustration, Kelly watched as Mel hopped off the bed disappeared from view. "Babe?... Oh, come on! You can't expect me to be happy when you dump something unexpected like  _this_  on me! And in the middle of having video phone sex!... Mel? Melanie!"

Mel returned some moments later, dressed in her satin robe and a small dog in her arms.

"Oh, good grief! It's the size of a rat! Her name better not be...  _Tinkerbell_ or... _Princess_!"

"It's  _Phalène_."

"Moth?! Her name is Moth?!" Kelly scoffed, watching the little dog desperately trying to lick Melanie's chin.

"Because she  _is_  a  _Phalène_."

"You sure it's not a Cavalier King Charles with  _those_  ears?"

"A drop eared Papillon is a  _Phalène_. I adopted the black and white one, and Alan adopted the red and white Papillon named Papi."

"You're kidding."

"No, I'm not. I think Papi reminded Alan of a certain red head that he nearly kissed this afternoon."

"Nearly?"

"I kinda interrupted them after the ceremony," Melanie cringed at the memory.

"MEL!"

"It was an  _accident_! I wanted to get back home in time to have sex with  _you_  after I took some photos."

"Are you going to embarrass them by telling Olivia and Alex you caught the  _'just friends'_?"

Mel avoided the tempting suggestion, "Kelly, I'm  _trying_  to focus on  _convincing_  you to keep the dog! Stop being distracted with the possibility that Alan and Vanessa  _nearly_  kissed... When I saw  _Phalène_  in the box _,_ she reminded me a bit of you when we first met ... long black hair... and she couldn't keep her eyes off  _me_. And when  _Phalène_  is a lot older, she'll be  _gris-_  I mean  _salt and pepper_  just like you. So... _we can keep her_?" Mel whined, making the most pitifully sad puppy dog face she could muster with  _Phalène_  trying valiantly to lick the Sheriff's face.

Kelly rolled her eyes and sighed, "Yes, we can keep the fur baby if it makes you happy!"

Melanie grinned in triumph, "I  _soooooo_  have you wrapped around my finger!"

"You only  _wish_  you did. She better be potty trained by the time I get back!"

"She's already potty trained!"

"And no stupid doggy outfits. I draw the line at a simple dog coat if it gets too cold."

"Aww, and here I was wanting to put her in a pink tutu when I take her to the station tomorrow," Mel said sarcastically. "I'm  _not_  going to dress her in clothes, so stop freaking out."

"And there's  _no way in hell_ that she's sleeping on the bed! That includes the guest beds too!"

"She has her own little bed... beds."

"Beds?!"

"We've got a pretty big house and  _Phalène_ 's a little dog! There's one near the laundry, one near the glass doors for the deck, one near the dining room and her carry bag for the car is near the front door... and yes, it a  _practical_  bag."

"Ok then," Kelly finally agreed. "Can we get back to having  _sex_  now? I'm still  _quite_ horny."

"Let's! Back in a moment," Mel purred.

Kelly observed Mel carrying  _Phalène_  back outside the bedroom then closing the door. The Sheriff then headed for the ensuite to obviously wash her hands. As Mel approached the bed again, she removed her satin robe and let it fall to the floor, neck tie still in place. She resumed her position with her thighs parted.

"Labia, was it?" Mel asked nonchalantly turning the vibrator back on.

"Uh-huh," Kelly nodded. "Tell me if you're getting to close before I tell you to put it on your clit."

As Mel resumed teasing herself with the toy, Kelly drank in the sight on the phone screen. She watched as Mel took a moment to back away from the edge as her own fingers continued driving herself closer.

"You can put it on your clit now... and slip it inside whenever you want," Kel panted. As much as her eyes wanted to close, to enjoy the sensations she was having, they remained steadfastly watching the screen. She loved to see her wife come undone, even after all these years. The doctor knew Mel wasn't far off when the purple shaft disappeared inside.

"I'm... I'm gonna... gonna come, babe!" Melanie croaked.

"I'm right with you... I'm coming too!" Kel panted before she arched off the bed, the phone slipping from her grasp and onto the bed.

It took Kelly a few moment to gather the phone back up in her hand. The image on the screen was of Mel flopped on her left side with her knees bent, still recovering from the orgasm that ripped through her and the vibrator beside her.

"Melanie," Kelly sing songed to rouse the Sheriff.

"Hmmm?" the shaggy blonde hummed in acknowledgement.

" _Je t'aime plus que la vie même_."

Mel smiled goofily at her wife on the screen, "I know you love me more than life itself. I love you just as much, honey."

 **_Throw your clothes on the floor,_ **  
**_I'm gonna take my clothes off too,_**  
**_I made plans to be with you,_**  
**_Girl, whatever you ask me, you know I will do._**  
**_I'll make love to you, like you want me to,_**  
**_And I'll hold you tight, baby, all through the night._ ~ Boyz II Men (I'll Make Love to You)**


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a Vanessa, Alan and Melanie focused chapter. However, Alex and Olivia do appear within the chapter to set up things for future chapters which they will feature heavily in, just like normal. This is the last of the chapters that focus more on the other characters in the story and not on Cabenson. I hope readers understand that these other characters are all connected to Olivia (and therefore Alex) and their storylines are integral to the overall story :-). Also Melanie gets some payback with her brother ;-)

_**Time moves without us; This room will be untouched,** _  
_**We're safe beneath the truth now; Both safe within this love,** _  
_**So hold me in your arms,** _  
_**Hold me in your arms,** _  
_**So my love,** _  
**_Hold me in your arms._  ~ Southern Sons (Hold Me In Your Arms)**

After dinner and dessert, Alan had booked his plane ticket online for Newark instead of the Cincinnati/Northern Kentucky International Airport with a pet friendly airline. He didn't bat an eyelid when Vanessa pointed out that the cost of taking Papi with him to New Jersey for the holidays would cost half of his own ticket each way. Alan replied that  _certain_  butterflies were worth spending a little bit of money on. Once the tickets had been sorted, he and Vanessa sat on the sofa, just talking and sneaking not so secret glances at each other.

Both had continued to toss the mini tennis ball in various directions for Papi until she decided she'd had enough and she just curled up on the fluffy fake lambskin bedding inside her carry bag. With the side of the carry bag opened, Papi could keep an eye on her new Daddy and... was that lady her new Mommy? Well, that lady sitting next to Daddy could definitely stay here with them for all the ball throwing, head scratching and food giving she had done so far! Papi would protect her maybe Mommy from that squirrel, just like she protected her Daddy this morning.

Alan looked at his watch, noting it was a little after 10pm now. "I better take you over to Melanie's house soon."

"I don't want to move," Vanessa replied, unconsciously snuggling closer to the rookie on the sofa. His right arm was once again draped across her back, his right hand resting comfortably on her waist. Unlike her old boyfriend, Alan's hand remained exactly where it was. Never creeping higher to try and cop an 'accidental' feel, or lower to 'whoops, my hand slipped' grope her. Also, Alan Irvine the antithesis of Lewis Williams. Once Vanessa had said 'the words', it was as if that Beast owned her, could do anything he wanted to her... and he did. Lewis made her fearful, made her cry, made her feel weak. Alan made her feel safe, made her laugh, made her feel strong.

Alan explained, "If I don't take you, Melanie have a field day in the morning with teasing comments about you spending the night... probably some 'walk of shame' innuendo thrown in for good measure."

"Brad said Mel would lay off on the teasing after those phone calls at the station."

"I still wouldn't put it past Melanie to probably try and say  _something_. Stay at Mel's tonight, then when I pick you up in the morning, you'll bring your carry on with you. We'll then go to where the transient cabin is... was... when  _you_  want to."

"First thing tomorrow. I want to get it out of the way."

"Ok then, we'll go there first up. After that, I want to take you somewhere...  _different_. Papi too."

That statement piqued Vanessa's curiosity. It also made Papi raise up her head that had been resting on her paws at the mention of her name.

"Where?" Vanessa finally asked.

Alan smiled his dimply smile, "You'll find out tomorrow."

"Not even a hint?"

"Somewhere in Winthrop... and that's all you get. We'll come back here to the cottage after lunch, then we'll go have dinner with Melanie seeing it'll be Sunday night. After dinner and our weekly catch up with Olivia and Alex, you can come and stay the night."

"But Mel will start  with the teasing then," Vanessa huffed.

"And we won't have to hear it because we'll be leaving to return here. It's a win-win situation."

Vanessa pondered her options for some time. She was aware that Melanie had offered to let her stay at the Leonard house, Alan had told her after ending her phone conversation with her older sister Ronnie at Alex and Olivia's apartment. She didn't think anything of it at the time, but maybe staying with Mel for a night was a good idea? Maybe it would also be beneficial for Melanie if she stayed seeing Mel was alone until Kelly came back. Vanessa knew how lonely it could get after having someone to talk to.

"Ok. I'll stay at Mel's tonight seeing my clothes are there now... and I'll stay here with you tomorrow night. Let me just use the bathroom before we go."

Alan got up from the sofa after Vanessa closed the bathroom door and grabbed his car keys. He returned to the sofa and picked up the duty jacket that had been in Vanessa's possession since he had stayed with her. A thought crossed his mind as he waited. He checked the pockets as he walked towards his bedroom, but there was nothing inside them. He slipped the duty jacket on and zipped it up before switching on the light and grabbing his other duty jacket off the hanger on the closet door.

Vanessa exited the bathroom and saw Alan standing there with his duty jacket on and another one draped over his arm.

"I promised I was going to give you back your jacket after you left it at my house" Vanessa said.

Alan held out the jacket for the red head to take, "You keep it a little while longer."

"Are you sure?" Vanessa was hesitant.

"You'll want it tomorrow, I guarantee it. They're predicting light snow."

Vanessa took the jacket and slipped to over her suit coat, "You won't need it?"

"Not for the foreseeable future. And as you can see, I've got this other one I can wear."

It took a few moments for Vanessa to discover that the duty jacket she had put on had a much stronger scent of Alan's pleasant aftershave than it had when she was on the plane. It was as strong as when she first discovered he had left the duty jacket with her. Alan tried his best to show no emotion when she realised he'd clearly swapped duty jackets with her, but those dimples were beginning to appear once again. He looked away almost bashfully and headed for the door near the kitchen. Vanessa zipped up the duty jacket and discreetly inhaled the lingering scent.

How did Alan always make her feel so... everything? Happy, strong, confident, protected, joyous, liked... loved?

Papi raced outside as soon at the door was opened and headed for the pine tree, barking with as much gusto as a Papillon could manage while Alan went and unlocked the garage.

"Yeah, you let that squirrel know who was boss!" Vanessa couldn't help but laugh from the door as Papi stopped barking and peed near the base of the tree.

* * *

"So, I'll see you in the morning around... 9?" Alan said as he and Vanessa stopped at the front door of the Leonard house. The porch light was on, but the inside was shrouded in darkness. They had joked on the way over if Melanie would be waiting up, or if she'd still be having a video phone call with Kelly and would they be interrupting at a very inconvenient time?

"9 will be ok," Vanessa agreed. "Alan, thankyou for dinner and playing the guitar... for  _Papi_."

"I think she liked it," Alan looked back at the car knowing the dog was on the back seat in her carry bag. He turned back to face Vanessa, "Maybe I'll play again tomorrow afternoon?... For  _Papi_."

"I'm positive she'd like that again."

"Thankyou for coming up and seeing the award ceremony," Alan added after a beat.

"I wouldn't have missed it for anything... Thankyou for rescuing me."

Alan brushed off the praise, "I've told you I was just doing my job that day."

"Not just at the cabin... this afternoon with that  _creep_ ," Vanessa replied softly.

"I think if that Quinn guy would have laid a hand on you, you would have moved past that moment of panic and gone into fight mode. You would have done exactly what you've been taught at your self defense classes: stomp on his foot and get out of his grasp... and probably kneed him in the groin for good measure." Alan added jokingly, "Please don't ever do that to  _me_. I can handle the repeated whacks to the chest and biceps, but  _that_... no."

Vanessa looked away on embarrassment, "I'll never do  _that_  to you... but I can't guarantee I won't whack you on your biceps or chest again."

"Good to know," Alan nodded.

They smiled at each other, and just like at the auditorium, a moment and a look passed between them. Maybe this time? Each took a small step closer, the nervousness radiating off each other in waves. They cautiously leant closer their first real kiss, half expecting to be interrupted like last time. Their lips had barely touched when the front door was suddenly yanked open. A flash of silky black and white shot past, barking and yapping just as loud as a certain other red and white Papillon.  _Phalène's_  barking set Papi barking in response.

"Oh my god! Do you have a  _radar_  or something?!" Vanessa fumed at the Sheriff as she and Alan hastily stepped back from each other.

"Radar? No. I have  _Gaydar_  though, and..." Melanie, dressed in ratty jeans and thick sweater, indicated Vanessa and Alan with a wave of her hand, "... there's definitely no pinging here. Myself, on the other hand... _Ping! Ping! Ping!_  Why are you making out on my front porch? I thought there was a prowler when  _Phalène_  started barking."

"You've obviously forgotten that you've got my carry on in your trunk! And we  _weren't_ making out!" Vanessa rolled his eyes, then muttered under her breath, 'Didn't get to  _that_  part!'.

* * *

"Work roster for the next 4 weeks, as promised! Don't forget I need those DD5's on my desk by the end of your shift too!" Mel slapped the piece of A4 paper on the desk in front of Brad before returning to her office. Sitting back down at her desk, the Sheriff lifted the steaming cup of coffee to her lips and blew gently to cool the liquid. She knew it wouldn't be too long before...

"Hey, sis!" Brad appeared at the office door looking somewhat perplexed.

"Yyyyyyes?" Mel replied innocently, struggling to ignore the pleading eyes of  _Phalène_  near her feet wanting a tidbit of the cookie she was about to munch on.

Brad approached, "I think you made a  _little_  error with the rosters."

"Oh? Let me have a look," Melanie dusted her hands off and picked up a pen from the mesh pencil and pen holder. As Brad sat down opposite, Mel took the paper back and seemingly studied the details of each day carefully, clucking her tongue to pass the time. "Ah, yes. It seems I did!"

Brad leant back in the chair opposite and shook his head at his sister's ridiculous error. Anyone could see the glaringly obvious mistake that had been made. Alan's time off from December 21 through to January 3 had been pencilled in accordingly. Seems Mel's head was still focused on other things... like wanting to be buried between his sister-in-law's legs. Or still on a high for having video phone sex last night.

"Sheriff Officer Pollack is having Christmas Day and New Years Day off and I forgot to pencil that in!" Mel amended the copy and slid it across the desk, "There we go... fixed. I'll make you an official updated copy ASAP."

Brad quickly sat upright and stared at roster, then at his sister.

"Anything else?" Mel prompted after a beat.

"Mel, you have me on night duty  _every_  night as well as working Christmas Day and New Years!"

Melanie hummed in agreement, a huge smirk slowly appearing as she sipped her coffee again.

"Oh, c'mon sis!"

"Bradley, if you have a problem with your schedule, you'd better talk to your superior officer... Oh, that's right. That's  _me_!" Mel pointed to herself with her thumb, her tone almost gleeful. "So, what  _seems_  to be the problem?"

"Mel, a mon-"

"I'll remind you that there's a gold star  _and_  circle on my jacket,  _Deputy_  Sheriff Zimmerley."

Brad exhaled heavily. The sibling rivalry that was there when the Zimmerley's were growing up was always bubbling under the surface. Working with his sister was great for the most part, but sometimes it pissed Bradley off. Then again, he pissed Melanie off quite well yesterday. He was surprised Mel even answered the phone the last time he called, but he knew there would be hell to pay if he called a 4th time.

" _Sheriff_ Leonard. A  _month_  of night duty?! You're being unreasonable."

"No, being unreasonable would be making it night duty every night until May!"

"May?! Why May?!"

"Because that's when Kelly gets back from the Philippines!"

"That's not-"

Mel interrupted, "But don't freak out,  _I'll_  be on call for Christmas Day and New Years too. Now go tell your month long night duty sob story to someone who cares,  _Braddy-boy_!" She had used the nickname Brad had been given when he was a kid. She knew how much he hated that monkier.

"Why?!"

"Don't you get it? I thought you were a smart Zimmerley... Huh, guess I was wrong."

"Is this in retaliation because of the phone calls yesterday?!"

"See, I  _knew_  you were a smart Zimmerley. So, if _I_  can't have sex with  _my_  wife for another month, neither can  _you_. Come to think of it, Heather will probably thank me for letting her have a month of snoring free sleep!"

"What about the ' _Rule of 3_ '?!"

Mel shrugged, "What about it?"

"I played by the ' _Rule of 3_ '! I only rang 3 times!"

"And?"

"I did  _nothing_  more than our normal teasing and I get slapped with a month of night duty!"

"Yeah, you  _did_  and you  _do_. If it had been in front of Heather, I probably wouldn't have worried. However, in front of Alan and Vanessa was overstepping the mark just a little and now you're paying for it."

"Jesus Mel, it was a  _joke_! Noone else was in the station when I did it!"

"And I'm  _pissing_ myself laughing right now because _I'm_  the Sheriff, _I_  make the work rosters and  _you've_  got night duty for a month!" Mel stated firmly, then mocked with a hint of childishness, "What are  _you_ going to do? Tell the  _Commissioner_  that your  _big sister_  was _very mean_  to you and gave you  _shitty_  hours and now  _you_  won't get laid for a  _month_?...  _Braddy-boy_ , you should know that when you mess with the bull, you get the horns."

Brad muttered darkly, "Says the  _Taurean_."

Mel puffed out her chest slightly, "Yes, I  _am_  a Taurus and  _proud_  of it!"

"I don't know how your wife puts up with  _you_!" Brad snarked and headed for the door knowing there was nothing he could do about his work hours. He hadn't been slapped with night duty for some time thankfully, and knew it would have been sooner or later that he'd be given some again.

"It's easy, because Kel's a Capricorn. Match made in heaven! By the way, I want those DD5's before lunch now!" Melanie called out and was given a one fingered salute in response as Brad exited. The shaggy blonde laughed as she picked up  _Phalène_  and scratched behind her ears, "And  _that's_ how you piss off Uncle Bradley... yes, it is!"

* * *

Vanessa had been very subdued since Alan arrived on Sunday morning to take her to where the transient cabin had been located.

Last night had not been a good night.

Whether it was because she was back in Winthrop, she couldn't say. The red head wondered if it would have made a difference if she had stayed with Alan instead of with Melanie, but it didn't matter now. She had been crying in her sleep as she did most nights and woke  _Phalène_ , who in turn had woken Melanie. Vanessa apologised profusely for waking her, but Mel told her not to worry about it because she was a light sleeper. Mel informed Vanessa that Olivia still had nightmares while she stayed with Liv and Alex but not to let Olivia know that she heard the screams. Mel didn't ask questions about the nightmare, nor did she say anything about the pillow stuffed inside the duty jacket beside Vanessa. Melanie did however ask if Vanessa would like  _Phalène_ to keep her company for a while because the little drop eared Papillon was good at that. The only thing Mel asked Vanessa to do was to not tell Kelly whatsoever that  _Phalène_  had been on the bed.

With  _Phalène_  in her arms, Vanessa waited a little longer than normal before she called Alan to talk.

The nightmare itself was one of the worst she'd ever had.

_Olivia was uncuffed yet locked in the dimly lit cellar, and Lewis Williams had carried Vanessa up the few stairs to the main part of the cabin. With her hands cuffed behind her and tossed on the mattress like a ragdoll, she knew what was going to happen. It didn't matter how much she screamed or tried to fight back, Lewis just laughed mercilessly as he prepared himself to take what he wanted. Melanie and Alan were outside the cabin desperately trying to break in rescue her and Olivia. Vanessa could see Alan through the window, shooting at the door knob and lock. But no matter how many times Alan pulled the trigger, the bullets would just ricochet. The rookie emptied the gun and replaced the magazine as Melanie tried kicking and shoulder charging the door, but still it wouldn't open. Alan resuming firing at the lock while Mel attempted to break the windows with an expandable autolock baton, but the metal baton would just bounce off the glass no matter how forceful Melanie would strike the window pane. Olivia was violently pounding on the cellar door, goading Lewis to come and brand her just so he would leave Vanessa alone. Alan loaded another magazine into his service weapon and began shooting at the windows, but the bullets continued to deflect away. And when Vanessa started crying as Lewis Williams began viciously assaulting her, the tears flowed in reality._

"Why are we stopped here?" Vanessa asked as she took in the surroundings. Alan had only pulled off to the side of the road near Lake Cobbosseecontee.

Alan pointed towards the secluded dirt road a little further ahead, "I have to open the gate."

Vanessa nodded and adjusted the cream coloured knit cap on her head to cover her ears more. While it wasn't snowing yet, the weather was bleak and the temperature had dropped. Alan had even put a little dog coat on Papi, which he said was made from Irvine tartan. Alan returned and proceeded down the dirt road, glancing every so often at Vanessa, who was now fidgeting with her Fearlessness pendant. It wasn't long before Alan pulled up and cut the engine.

"We're here," Alan said after several long minutes of silence.

"Uh-huh," was all Vanessa said in reply.

"Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yep," the red head nodded yet made no effort to move.

A few more minutes passed before Alan exited the Plymouth Fury and walked around to the passenger side. He took Papi out of her dog carry bag from the back seat first in the hope that Vanessa would exit in her own time, but she remained where she was. Almost trance like and lost in her own little world. With Papi in his right arm, Alan opened the front passenger door, allowing the swivel seat mechanism to move Vanessa closer to exiting the vehicle. When she still didn't move, Alan said the only thing he could think of.

"Hold my hand."

Those words made Vanessa awaken from her stupor. She saw Alan standing there with his left hand extended for her to take it.

"Never let go," Vanessa murmured in response, placing her hand in his and finally exiting the car.

Vanessa took in the surroundings as they approached. Even in the overcast weather, she could see it was so peaceful and overlooked a tiny sliver of Lake Cobbosseecontee. Nothing was left of the structure that had been the transient cabin except for a large rectangle area of dirt, rubble remains and weathered timber shingles.

"Where was the door?" the red head's voice cracked.

"The front door to the cabin was-"

"No. The other door... to the cellar."

Alan walked over and indicated the general area where the door would have been. Vanessa reluctantly let go of Alan's hand and moved to her left a number of steps then stopped. Her mind recalling everything in clear detail as she stuffed her hands deep inside the duty jacket pockets.

Her mattress.

Her wall.

Her chain.

Her toilet.

Back wall.

The shelf on back wall.

Their clean clothes and towels on the shelf on back wall.

Their empty buckets for washing themselves.

Olivia's wall.

Olivia's chain.

Olivia's mattress.

Olivia pacing... always pacing when she wasn't passed out from torture.

Olivia's toilet.

The wall with the door.

The door to the rest of the cabin... where HE... where Lewis Williams repeatedly raped her.

Back down into the cellar to the cold stone floor.

Ceiling.

The low wattage light bulb hanging from ceiling.

With tears threatening to fall, Vanessa indicted behind her with her elbow, "This is my wall...  _Was_  my wall."

"I saw you first when Melanie and I found you and Olivia... you were passed out... Olivia was on the other wall... she was saying 'go away' over and over again," Alan said as he placed Papi on the ground to let her wander. "I screwed up-"

"No, you didn't screw up."

"I did."

"No. If he'd have only been arrested for impersonating an officer of the law, what's to say he wouldn't have said anything about me and Liv being here to you or Mel? We could've died in the cellar and noone would have been any the wiser. The way it played out... Liv and I were found, and we can never truly repay our gratitude."

Vanessa couldn't help but snort when Papi finally stopped sniffing around and peed on the dirt near where the back wall of the cellar would have been.

"That's what I think of this place too, Papi!" Vanessa said with a halfhearted laugh before her emotions finally overwhelmed her. With her face twisting and contorting with anguish, she wanted to drop to knees and pound the ground with her fists, but she somehow remained upright. She opened her mouth to scream her despair at the 128 day ordeal she and Olivia withstood and the aftermath they both continued to endure, but nothing came out. Heavy, heartbreaking sobs wracked her entire body as the personal catharsis of her kidnapping and repeated brutal assault at the hands of Lewis Williams began.

"I hate you... I HATE YOU!... I HATE what you did to me!... I did my JOB and TRUSTED you, and YOU broke that trust!... You LIED to me!... You DECEIVED me!... You VIOLATED me!... You ASSAULTED me!... You BURNT me!... You RAPED me!... ...YOU  **RAPED** ME!... Some people say that the only way to move on is to forgive and forget... I can't do that... I WILL move on with my life... BUT I WILL  **NEVER**  FORGIVE YOU!... And I HATE that I will  **NEVER**  FORGET what you DID TO ME!... But I hope in time I  **WILL**  forget YOU!... I WILL CONTINUE TO HATE YOU UNTIL THE DAY I DIE!... ...No, I won't continue to hate you because you're NOT worth the effort... I will feel  **NOTHING**  FOR YOU LEWIS WILLIAMS! BECAUSE  **YOU**  ARE NOTHING!  **YOU.**   **ARE. NOONE**! And I hope you  **ROT**  in  **HELL**!... Rot in hell for the rest of eternity."

She lashed out when Alan embraced her in his arms as she felt her legs beginning to give out from under her. She struck in him in the chest with lacklustre punch from a half closed fist, but the fight from her was gone as soon as it began. Vanessa rested her head on Alan's chest and let the tears flow unabashedly, her eyes becoming red rimmed and her face somewhat ruddy. Alan let a few of his own tears silently trickle down his own cheeks as he just held the red head tenderly, his own body feeling Vanessa's bodily sobs.

"I'm glad you shot him," Vanessa mumbled as the tears slowly began to ebb away.

Alan muttered very quietly, "I should've shot him between the eyes, Vanessa... I should've shot him between the eyes when I had the chance... and I'm glad he's dead too."

Vanessa lifted her head slightly, wondering if the curly haired rookie was referring to Lewis Williams or his Pop Maybe what Vanessa had said regarding her sexual assault was helping Alan deal with his own sexual assaults? Maybe what she had said was aiding him with his own cleansing and healing?

Both just stood there on top of the dirt and remaining rubble of the transient cabin, holding each other in their arms.

Vanessa eventually spoke, her voice still raw from her emotions. "I can't say it made me feel any better, but coming here and doing this... it makes me feel... kind of lighter. Like a weight has been lifted off me."

"I know what you mean. I did pretty much the same at Pop's grave after Grandma died," Alan said softly and handed the red head a clean handkerchief from his duty jacket.

"I want to leave this place now, but I want to come back when it's changed into the tranquility garden."

"The Winthrop town council says that will start in the spring," Alan informed her, then pressed a tiny kiss to Vanessa's forehead. "Let's go somewhere...  _different_."

* * *

"Where are we now? And what are we doing here?"

"Don't you trust me?" Alan grinned as he opened the trunk.

"I trust you. I just want to know where this somewhere  _different_  is and what we're going to do," Vanessa said as she held the extendable leash that was clipped to the D-ring of Papi's harness that peaked out from under her little dog coat.

Alan hoisted the hiking backpack from the trunk and over his shoulders, "We're at the base of Mount Pisgah and I thought we could go up to the top. Papi can come with us because it's a dog friendly trail."

Vanessa made a face that showed her dubiousness. Her and hiking weren't the best of friends.

Alan saw the face Vanessa was making and stifled a laugh, "Don't freak out. Mount Pisgah is more of a big hill than an actual mountain and the entire trail up and back is just a couple of miles. It's just that when you were in Winthrop the first time, if you can call it  _that_ , you and Olivia were basically enclosed underground in a very small area with no windows. I would like for you to see and experience the complete opposite of that. Up high, vast expanses and fantastic view of Winthrop and surrounding area."

"All from the top of a big hill?"

"That's what the locals say because at the top of the walking trail there's a 60 foot high old firetower. They say you can even see Mount Washington on a clear day from Mount Pisgah."

"Mount Washington?"

"It's in New Hampshire." Alan could see Vanessa still didn't understand the significance, "It's  _only_  the highest peak in the Northeast. It's part of the Presidential Range in the White Mountains."

"Ah."

"I also thought you and I could have a warm picnic lunch up in the firetower... Papi too, of course. So, what do you say?"

"I say... it looks like we're going for a walk," Vanessa confirmed.

Papi barked her approval, her tail wagging nonstop. She knew what the word ' _walk_ ' meant!

* * *

It had taken a little longer than anticipated with Papi having to sniff everywhere and everything but eventually they all made it to the Mount Pisgah firetower. Even though the firetower was metal with glass windows, the heavy trap door in the floor kept the wind out, making it a little more cosy than anticipated.

Vanessa looked out over the Winthrop and Monmouth areas from inside the firetower while Alan unpacked the thermos flasks and storage containers from out of an insulated cooler bag from within the backpack, as well as a blanket. The rookie said he had made carrot, zucchini and parsnip frittata fingers; caramelised onion, pumpkin and goat's cheese tartlets; a thermos of hot cocoa; a thermos of leftover lobster chowder; he had also packed a couple of leftover no-bake cheesecakes, and a raw chicken leg for Papi (which she was currently devouring on her own dog blanket in the far corner). The red head noted that even on a bleak day such as this, she could still see for miles. The sun was struggling to break through the clouds. It managed to for a few minutes every so often before the clouds would gather again. Alan had been correct, up here in the firetower was the complete opposite of the cellar of the transient cabin.

"Which lake is that?" Vanessa asked, pointing to a body of water in the foreground before accepting the thermos lid cup of cocoa with a marshmallow floating in the middle.

Alan swallowed the sip he had taken then replied, "Not a lake. It's 3 smaller ponds."

"What are the  _ponds_  then?"

"That's Wilson Pond... Dexter Pond... and Berry Pond," Alan rattled off and pointed to each respective one. He turned around and pointed to a different body of water, "And the one over there is Nancy's Bog."

"What about the big one with the island over there?"

"That's Lake Androscoggin," Alan said then struggled not to start laughing as Vanessa turned and looked at him.

Vanessa eyebrows furrowed in confusion, "What?"

Alan put down his cup on the small binocular ledge near the window they had been looking out of, unable to contain his laughter any longer.

"What?!... ...WHAT?!" Vanessa didn't like being the butt of someone's joke. She put her own cup a little more forcefully than expected and glowered at the curly haired rookie, "Alan Irvine, if you don't tell me what's  _soo_  funny, I swear I'll climb down this tower, walk back to Winthrop by myself and stay at Melanie's house tonight!"

"Moustache," Alan pointed to his top lip then at Vanessa as he continued to laugh.

Vanessa's hand shot up in to cover her mouth, then she turned away in mortification. Of all the embarrassing things to happen in front of Alan. She was a nearly 30 year old woman and couldn't drink a cup of cocoa without making an utter idiot of herself.

Why  _her_?!

Why  _now_?!

Alan suggested after a few moments, "Let me see if it's all gone."

"No!" Vanessa refused to turn around and face the rookie even though she had wiped her lip. She couldn't face Alan now. Could the earth just swallow her up now? Please!

"C'mon, I've seen you red eyed and crying your heart out. I can handle a cocoa and marshmallow moustache."

"Says the guy who was laughing his ass off moments ago!"

"It was... unexpectedly funny and I promise I  _won't_  laugh at you any more."

Vanessa sighed and wiped her mouth again. Alan was right. He had seen her much worse state than this, and knew what had happened to her.

"You stupid ass!" the red head snorted when she turned around and faced Alan again.

"What?" Alan feigned ignorance to what Vanessa was referring to as his dimpled struggled not to make an appearance. He knew exactly what she was referring to.

"You've got a little..." Vanessa indicated his top lip as she valiantly tried not to laugh but failing. The curly haired rookie obviously had taken a large mouthful of his cocoa while Vanessa was looking away and now had an impressive cocoa moustache of his own.

Alan purposely wiped his chin, not his top lip. "Did I get it all?"

"No, you left a  _little_  behind."

He then wiped the sides of his mouth with his forefinger and thumb, "How about now?"

"Not quite!"

"A little help maybe?" Alan suggested with a hint of teasing. "I don't have a mirror."

Vanessa took a step closer and began thumbing away the chocolate milk blemish while cradling Alan's cheek with her right hand, "Why'd you do it?"

Alan shrugged, "I just wanted to make you laugh and not make you feel like the only silly one here. I love hearing you laugh, and if giving myself a cocoa moustache makes you laugh, I'll do it. If making a fool of myself makes you laugh, I'll gladly make a fool of myself for you."

Even thought the cocoa was gone, Vanessa's hand remained where it was, her thumb now brushing lightly over Alan's lips. He pressed a tiny kiss to the pad of her thumb when it stilled. Once again, a moment and a look passed between them. Could this  _finally_  be it? Was this the right time for a first kiss? Vanessa's thumb shifted away as Alan took a tiny step closer and cautiously rested his hands on her waist. Each could feel the warm puffs of breath from the other, making their pulses beat that little bit faster as they hesitantly began to close the gap between their lips.

"Wait!" Vanessa pulled back slightly.

"What?" Alan asked, his concern quite audible.

Vanessa tilted her head to look over at the trap door on the floor for a few moments before looking back at Alan, "I was half expecting Mel to pop her head through the door to interrupt us...  _again_."

Alan shook his head and grinned, "I guarantee she won't this time."

"How can you be so sure?"

"I told her I was thinking about maybe taking you to Bangor for the day. But just to be absolutely sure she won't pop her head up through the trap door..." Alan took Vanessa's hands to guide her with him as he walked a few paces backwards and stood half off and half on top of the trap door. "Better?"

Vanessa nodded her approval, "Much."

Both smiled and laughed lightly before finally closing the gap and pressing their lips together. It wasn't an overly hungry or passionate kiss, nor was it a chaste kiss, but somewhere in the middle.

A perfect first kiss.

Soft, gentle and tender, it conveyed their budding and blossoming love for each other. Neither were trying to dominate or control the pace being set as their lips lightly brushed and slid together. Vanessa was thankful Alan wasn't trying to shove his tongue in her mouth right now. Lewis Williams thought making the red head almost gag while crushing her throat and assaulting her was one of the better ways to terrify her.

Papi looked up from her bone to see her Daddy and maybe Mommy obviously licking each others faces and mouths. She and  _Phalène_  licked each others faces all the time when they saw each other. The little Papillon turned her attention back to her bone. Daddy and maybe Mommy had their priorities all wrong. Licking faces was kinda special, but not when there was a bone to eat!

"We're still 'just friends', aren't we?" Vanessa asked quietly when they eventually ended the kiss.

Alan though a moment before answering, "I think we both know we're a little more than  _that_... but whatever 'we' are, I like it."

"I like it too."

"However... " A cheeky grin made Alan's dimples reappear, "... I think we should keep playing 'just friends' card for some time yet... just to mess with their heads."

"I like the way you think!" Vanessa reciprocated the grin, closing the gap between their lips once again as the first snowflakes began to fall outside the firetower.

* * *

"Liv?"

"Yeah, Nessa?" Olivia looked at the image of Vanessa and Alan with Papi in his arms on the computer screen as Alex sat down beside her and handed the brunette a mug of tea.

"I think you should to come back to Winthrop...to where the cabin was to get some closure. I went there today and... I think it's helped a bit."

"Doctor MacKenzie and I have talked about it just recently and I've decided I will after  _Oey's_  born."

Mel popped her head between Alan and Vanessa's head with  _Phalène_  in her arms and blurted, "Caught these 2 were making out on my porch last night!"

"We  _weren't_  making out! Get it through your head... WE'RE. JUST. FRIENDS!" Vanessa snapped. "At least we weren't telling people over the phone that we were  _horny_ -"

"Ok! That's enough tattling on each other now!" Melanie retorted as Olivia and Alex struggled not to laugh.

Alex asked, "Alan, have you booked your tickets to Ohio?"

"I've booked my tickets for the holidays, yes!" Alan replied. He wasn't lying, he just wasn't going to correct the error of the new location.

"Nessa? What about you?" Olivia added.

"Nope."

Neither Alex or Olivia hid their surprise as they said in unison, "No? Why?"

"Because I'm staying Jersey."

"Surrrrrre, you are!" Mel drawled before she, Alex and Olivia just laughed.

However, Alan and Vanessa knew who would really be having the last laugh as they exchanged a quick glance and coy smiles. They would be sharing a bed and a few more kisses before Vanessa eventually returned to New Jersey Monday afternoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something about a time jump to a particular Sunday in December next chapter. Don't say you haven't been warned ;-)


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You are not prepared. That is all ;-)

Olivia gave Vanessa a toothy grin as she placed her mug back down on the café table, "Could you repeat that?"

"You heard me!" Vanessa shot back immediately.

"No," Liv shook her head, resting her hand on her stomach. "No, I don't think I did. Must be baby brain affecting me right now."

Vanessa scoffed, "Baby brain? Yeah, right."

"Excuse me, baby brain makes pregnant women forgetful and I've already forgotten the question, so you need to repeat it for me!" Olivia replied.

Truth be told, Liv didn't need the question repeated, she just wanted to see the red head squirm. She and Vanessa had finished Saturday sessions with their respective therapists a little earlier, and were catching up for the first time since Vanessa had returned from her short visit back to Winthrop at a small café a few doors down from the therapists office. The DVD containing the award ceremony had arrived in the mail on Friday, which Olivia and Alex promptly watched that very evening. Olivia had wanted to see the ceremony in person, but with the possibility of delivering early, her OBGYN had advised her not to fly.

Vanessa vaguely indicated the Fearlessness pendant at the base of the throat that Olivia had given her, "Do you know if they have items like this for... men?"

"Why?" Olivia smirked.

"Why do  _you_  think?"

"You tell me, Nessa."

"I'm looking at  _maybe_  buying a Christmas gift for... A-"

Liv suggested, "Alan?"

Vanessa corrected, "A  _friend_!"

"Alan's a friend. You're  _always_  saying you and him are  _just friends_."

"I have a  _friend_... who is  _male_... and I'd like to know if there is  _something_  that might be a nice  _gift_  for him for  _Christmas_."

"Uh-huh," Liv replied as took another sip from her mug, utterly unconvinced.

Vanessa sighed, "I  _just_  want to know if there are jewellery items like this for men!"

"Yes, I believe there are items for men."

"Can you tell me  _where_?" Vanessa prompted.

"I can do better than that."

"What do you mean?"

"I can take you there because I'll be going to the jewellery store in a little while to pick up Alex's engagement ring."

"Engagement ring?!"

"I told you many times that I love her, and I'm going to ask her to marry me."

"I know you told me  _numerous_  times and I'm really glad you're going to propose to her. But I can't believe this is coming from the woman who was too  _chicken shit_  to even  _admit_  to Alex that you loved her only a little while ago."

"After what happened to us, I realised life's too short to keep putting things off."

"Good for you."

"Although, talking about being chicken shit... that's  _really_  funny coming from you now."

"How so?"

"While we were in the cellar, you would call me out for not having told Alex I loved her for all those years... and yet, you're too  _chicken shit_  to admit you like a certain curly haired Winthrop Sheriff Officer named Alan Irvine."

Vanessa swiped the plate that had Olivia's yet to be eaten large peanut and chocolate brownie, "You can't admit your pregnancy craving is peanuts."

"Completely different circumstances," justified the brunette.

"No, it's not."

" _I've_  admitted I love Alex... I've told her to her face, and I'm proposing to her tomorrow night because it's an anniversary of sorts for us.  _You_ , on the other hand, keep throwing this utterly transparent _just friends_  crap around. Everyone can see it, you just need to finally admit it."

" _Everyone_?"

"Everyone important... myself, Alex, Mel, Kelly, Doom, Rafael, your sister Ronnie-"

Vanessa picked up the brownie and began to move it towards her mouth, "Liv, if  _you_  admit you crave peanuts, then  _I'll_  admit I like Alan."

Olivia's tone was low and threatening, "If you take a bite from that brownie, I'll-"

"You'll...  _what_?"

" _You'll_  have a pregnant woman to deal with, that's  _what_! Now put that brownie back on the plate and noone gets hurt."

" _You_  can't admit it."

"Neither can  _you_."

Vanessa placed the brownie back down and slid the plate back over to Olivia, "Win-win situation for both of us."

Liv picked up the brownie and took a large bite, moaning her pleasure as she chewed.

Vanessa couldn't help but smirk as she nibbled on her gingerbread snowflake cookie. The red head knew Liv wouldn't admit her pregnancy craving, therefore still giving her leverage with the  _just friends_ excuse. Of course they used it when they left Melanie's house that Sunday evening when Vanessa was in Winthrop. Alan had initially offered to sleep on the sofa when he and Vanessa returned to his cottage and were ready to go to bed. However, Vanessa said they would share Alan's bed just like they shared the fold out bed in Hackensack... even though they only shared the fold out bed when Vanessa wanted comforting after a nightmare.

That Sunday night at Alan's cottage, Vanessa did have a nightmare. Alan realised when he was roused from his sleep by the sound of a muffled cry near his ear before he felt warm tears land on his bare chest. As he held Vanessa, he whispered repeatedly that his butterfly was safe now and her little rock would be there for her. When Vanessa did wake, she was prepared to lash out at the male body next to her, thinking it was Lewis Williams, but it took her a few moments to realise where she was. She didn't want Alan to think she was a violent person, seeing he seemed to be the one bearing the brunt of her outbursts, but thankfully Alan said he understood. He also let Vanessa know that if he felt his own safety was truly threatened, he would remove himself from the situation. He added that as she could see, he hadn't left because he knew Vanessa wasn't violent or abusive. She was thankful that Alan was so understanding considering everything that had happened.

Alan and Vanessa had shared a soft, lingering kiss at the departure gate after some initial hesitation, neither caring who saw them in the end because noone knew them. To anyone that did see Alan and Vanessa kiss at that moment, it would have been assumed that it was just a husband kissing his wife goodbye before she boarded the plane for New Jersey for business. Vanessa's heart sank when she did finally board the plane. December 21 just seemed so far away at that moment. However, this time next Saturday, Alan would be waiting at Augusta airport with Papi to eventually arrive at Newark at 4.30pm.

"Alright... everyone knows I crave peanuts right now and I really  _don't_  care who knows."

"Huh?" Vanessa was pulled from her musings. "What was that?"

Liv cackled almost gleefully, "I  _crave_  peanuts."

"What?!"

"Your turn!"

"But..." Vanessa was gobsmacked to say the least.

"That didn't go  _quite_  according to your plan, did it?" Liv asked, raising the brownie to her mouth again. She prompted the red head before taking another bite, "It's worth admitting I crave peanuts just to hear you admit you like Alan. So, off you go. Admit it!"

The deafening silence was broken by Olivia, "I've been waiting a  _long_  time to do this."

"Do what?"

" _Brrrrk! Brrrrk! Brrrrk!_ " Olivia clucked under her breath.

Vanessa hissed, "I am  _not_  chicken shit!"

"Could have fooled me, Nessa. You said to me, and I quote: 'If  _I_  admit I crave peanuts, then  _you'll_ admit you like Alan'."

"Alan and I are  _just_ -"

"Just  _friends_. Yes, of course. Here I was forgetting  _that_  little bit of information from baby brain," Olivia rolled her eyes.

"We  _are_!"

"So, it wasn't  _quid pro quo_  after all?"

"You want  _quid pro quo_?"

"Seems only fair to me because it's what you were initially aiming for."

Vanessa said after pause, "Well, I do have  _something_  I can tell you."

Liv prompted for Vanessa to continue with a wave of her hand as she took another bite of her dwindling brownie.

The red head lowered her voice a little, "I'm... ahh... I'm menstruating for the first time since I was put on the oral contraceptive by my OBGYN."

Olivia's tone was nothing but genuine as she reached across and placed her hand on top of Vanessa's after swallowing, "Good for you."

"I never thought I'd be so happy to say I've got my period," Vanessa said with a half laugh.

"I'm so happy for you, especially after knowing what you went through."

Vanessa gave a tight lipped smile while blinking away the threatening tears, "I'm not sure I would've survived without you being with me in the cellar, Liv. Not just physically, but emotionally and mentally too."

"You and me both, Nessa." Olivia blinked away her own building tears as she gave Vanessa's hand a reassuring squeeze, "You and me both."

* * *

"So, tonight's the night?" Doom asked as he and Olivia sat down for some lunch at a nearby deli. They had just spent the last 2 hours interviewing 3 young brothers suspected of being molested by their Sunday School teacher, but hadn't gotten anything concrete during the interviews. As soon as the interviews were over, Cragen told Dumas to take Olivia to lunch and give themselves a breather.

"Yeah, tonight."

"Are you nervous?"

Liv exhaled a long breath, "Nervous... excited... scared... It's why I asked to work today so I can focus on something else. I think I'd be a pacing up and down the hall if I was at home right now."

"But Cabot will say yes, so stop panicking! You got the ring?"

Olivia patted her coat to indicate it was in the inner breast pocket.

"Do I get to see it? Or do I have to wait until it's on Cabot's finger?"

Before Liv had a opportunity to reply, the waitress came over and took their orders.

"So?" Doom prompted once the waitress disappeared.

"This isn't the box it'll be in though," the brunette removed the black velvet box from her pocket. "It'll be in a novelty rose stem. Some might think it's a little tacky, but what I've got planned... I think it'll be perfect."

"You better not be getting down on one knee, Benson!" Doom joked as Olivia opened the box.

Olivia handed the open box over, "With this growing belly? No way."

"Holy shit! That is a  _nice_  ring. She's gonna love it! Feels like you're putting pressure on me."

"You thinking about your future with Rafael?"

"Sometimes. I mean, we've only been together for a little while but... Rafi could have  _anyone_  he wants, but he wants  _me_  and that makes me feel like the luckiest guy in the world. He makes me want to be a better person... and it feels like he completes me."

"That's how I feel about Alex. I've loved her for a long time and I want to spend the rest of my life with her."

"I don't know if Rafi's into marriage. Some people just aren't. I know he loves his colourful pocket squares, ties and pant braces, but the thought of seeing Rafi in white tie and tails... I'd like that."

"Better make sure you and him catch the bouquet and garter when Alex and I get married then."

Doom closed the ring box and passed it back to Olivia, "I thought you'd might want the  _just friends_  to catch them."

Olivia stowed the ring box back inside her breast pocket, "Oh, get this! Nessa still won't admit she likes Alan, but yesterday while I'm making the final payment on the ring, she wants me to believe that she and Alan kissed."

"That doesn't make  _any_  sense!" Doom started laughing. "Why would you not admit liking someone but then say you've kissed them?"

"I know, right!" Liv agreed as the waitress approached with their drinks.

* * *

Doom asked as the elevator doors opened, "You think Munch and Amaro are gonna be pissed we didn't bring back anything for them?"

"Probably. I'll just say I ate theirs on the way back because  _Oey_  was hungry," Liv replied.

Both SVU Detectives exited and headed towards the squad room. John, Nick, Don and Rafael were over near the television, seemingly transfixed to whatever was on the screen. Doom and Olivia headed towards their desks when Rafael turned around.

The male ADA almost stormed towards them both, "Why haven't you answered  _any_  of my calls!"

Doom was initially taken aback at Rafael's somewhat exasperated tone. In all the time they had been together, they had never fought before apart from a little sassy comment here or there during work, but that was always to be expected. However this... this was definitely personal, particularly being in front of the other SVU squad members.

Immediately, Doom went on the defensive with his own sarcastic tone. "Oh, I'm  _sorry_. I didn't realise I was at  _your_  back and call,  _Counsellor_. I don't get the day off to... I don't know... go sailing on  _yachts_. _I've_  been slumming it with work so  _you_  can have slam dunk cases for the DA's office. If I've screwed up a DD5 by not crossing a 'T', dotting an 'I' or missing a punctuation mark, I'll fix it when  _I_  get to it. Now let  _me_  get back to work and  _you_  can go back having the day off."

Barba mumbled, "You don't know?"

"Know  _what_? Like I said  _Barba_ , I've been  _working._ Benson and I have been _working._  I switched my phone off to conduct an interview and I haven't turned it back on because I was at lunch! Now, if you don't _mind,_  I'll-"

Rafael's voice softened, "Joseph, there's been an accident. It's all over the news. I've been  _trying_  to call you to see if you  _knew_! I came down here when my calls to you kept going to voice mail"

"What do you mean?" Doom asked as he approached the television.

_"...and Carmelo Anthony's 35 points helped the New York Knicks beat the Atlanta Hawks 111 to 106 at Madison Square Gardens last night... Now, going back to our major headline: A bus heading southbound has lost control and crashed off the South Nyack side of the Tappan Zee Bridge. The bus, believed to be on charter for a Brooklyn retirement home, collided with 4 other cars before careening off the bridge at speed and into the Hudson River..."_

"Mom?" Joe's thoughts instantly went to the pressing concern.

_"... One of the cars, an SUV, is still balancing precariously on the edge of the bridge with 2 people inside... Wait, I'm getting word... Yes, the bus has now been confirmed to be on charter from a Brooklyn retirement home. It had been on charter to Ontario as was due to arrive back in Brooklyn a little over an hour ago with 30 residents, and 2 drivers from the bus company. The New York State Harbour Unit are struggling to deal with an accident on this scale..."_

"Rafi?" Joe said turning to face Rafael, trying to comprehend what was being said. He didn't care that his coworkers may have heard the shortened version of Barba's name. He didn't care if they knew he and Barba were in a relationship. He didn't care what they would say because he would never deny his sexuality, but he would never flaunt it either. The only thing he cared about was his mother, Gloria. Surely this was all just a bad dream?

_"... 2 male survivors have been rescued from inside the submerged bus at this stage. Sadly, 6 bodies have retrieved by police divers and will continue searching until all 32 people are accounted for. Our thoughts and prayers go out to those families who’s loved ones haven't survived this unfolding tragedy. It doesn't look like there will be a repeat of the 'Miracle on the Hudson' this time..."_

Joe Dumas felt numb as the graphic images of the submerged coach bus in the Hudson River from the news helicopter displayed on the screen, "No!... NO!"

* * *

We are all born, and we all die. The length of time we spend living on this earth is the variable. Some die the day we are born. Some live to be over 100 years old. Some never get to do anywhere near what they hoped to achieve in their lifetime. Some tick off every single item on their bucket list. Some people sadly take their own lives. Some people sadly are taken from us through no fault of their own. For most people, if we knew exactly when and where we were going to die, we wouldn't show up anywhere near that location. More than likely, we would be on the opposite side of the earth sipping cocktails with a smile. Some people would probably even stand on the other side of the street giving the Grim Reaper the one fingered salute while laughing their asses off.

But the fact remains: everybody dies.

It's inevitable.

"How is he?" Olivia asked softly, observing Doom staring intently at the closed coffin out of the corner of her eye. The question seemed so hollow to ask before the funeral, but she was concerned for Joe's wellbeing.

Rafael remained stoic, "As best that can be expected. He lost Brian in May, now Gloria. His father sent condolences from Seattle, but he's not coming."

"Not coming?"

The hint of bitterness in Barba's voice was quite audible, "He used the excuse that he can't get a flight at such short notice."

"You've got to be kidding me? Short notice? Gloria died 5 days ago! She was one of the first to be identified from the accident."

"Joseph said he expected his father to say something like that. The divorce wasn't as amicable as it could have been, and when Joseph came out... you get the picture."

"He washed his hands of them both."

"Basically. What about you? How are you coping?"

"I'm slowly coming to terms with it," Liv nodded, knowing Rafael was also concerned for not only herself but also for  _Oey_.

Of the 32 people on board the bus, only 11 had survived, each suffering various degrees of hypothermia. 6 men and 5 women, all Brooklyn retirement home residents that had managed to find pockets of air within the vehicle after it submerged. A majority of passengers were still strapped into their seats and drowned, Gloria included. The remainder suffered bodily trauma being thrown around the bus on impact from not wearing their seat belts. The autopsy on the 58 year old male bus driver revealed a large brain aneurysm that ruptured causing almost instant death. A hemorrhagic stroke.

Rafael asked as the blonde sat down beside Doom on the wooden pew, "What about Alex?"

"Better than she was this morning."

Rafael narrowed his eyebrows in concern, "What do you mean?"

"She's been so strong with everything that's happened since my kidnapping... some things even before then. Except it finally caught up and overwhelmed her after breakfast," Liv explained briefly, remembering what had transpired...

_Olivia rinsed her toothbrush under the faucet then placed it back in the holder. She felt like she was on autopilot since it had been confirmed that Gloria hadn't survived the accident. Snatched from their lives in the blink of an eye. Her funeral was this afternoon, just 5 days before Christmas, at the same funeral home where Brian's funeral and subsequent memorial service had been held. Doom had lost his half brother and now his mother... Oey had lost her father and her Nanna before she was even born. Liv removed her pyjamas shirt and bra when something caught her attention regarding the underwear she had brought into the bathroom to change into after showering. She rolled her eyes realising she had grabbed an old bandeau bra to wear, not a new maternity bra. Whether it was to do with baby brain or her attention wandering with Gloria's sudden death, she couldn't say. She slipped the pyjama shirt back on and buttoned it at her cleavage before grabbing the bandeau bra and exiting the bathroom._

_Upon reentering the bedroom, Olivia saw Alex sitting on Liv's side of their bed, clutching Olivia's pillow tightly to her chest. Her whole body shook with heavy sobs while her face was buried into the pillow to muffle the sounds._

_"Sweetheart?"_

_Alex jumped at the sound of Liv's voice. She hastily wiped away her tears, almost as if she were embarrassed at being caught while she placed the pillow back to its rightful place. "Sorry!"_

_"Why are you apologising?" Olivia asked as she sat down beside her._

_The blonde shrugged, "I don't know if I should be crying. Maybe I'm being silly... Am I being silly?"_

_"Why shouldn't you cry? You're not a heartless woman."_

_"I didn't really know Gloria, yet..." Alex trailed off._

_"Alex, you mightn't have known Gloria as much or for as long as I did, but you're allowed to feel grief and grieve for her. Oey's Nanna died... Doom and Brian's mother died... the woman who approved of you being with me and being Oey's Mama died. Honestly, I'd be worried of you weren't crying."_

_"It's not just Gloria dying though... it's... ...everything."_

_"What do you mean?"_

_A fresh wave of tears overwhelmed Alex as she wailed and leant her body against Olivia's for support, "It's... Gloria dying... it's my father dying when I was 13... it's me being shot and effectively dying... it's my Mom dying when I was in the program and I couldn't go to the funeral... ... it's Brain being shot and killed... it's you being taken by Lewis Williams... it's you being tortured... it's you not knowing if you were raped or not.. ... and it's me thinking you were dead... I didn't **know**  if you were alive or dead... ...Each time Don said there was a new photo of you... I held my breath expecting to hear that it was a photo of you dead... it was like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop because you were taken, and I'd never see you again after we  **finally**  got our chance to be together... I didn't think I'd ever get to tell you that I  **love**  you... I thought I'd never see you again, and the next funeral I would be attending was going to be  **yours**!"_

_So much had happened in their lives over the years, and more so in the last few months. Right now, both women needed each other more than ever. To lose a loved one at any time is hard, but around a major holiday or special occasion made it that little more heartbreaking._

_"You have been **so**  strong for me since I was found, and you've been there every step of the way. Don't you ever forget I'm there every step of the way for you too. It's my turn to be strong for you," Olivia pressed a soft kiss to Alex's forehead. "Come on, lay down on the bed with me."_

_They each scooted back a little before they lay down across the bed and turned to face each other. Olivia moved as close to Alex as her pregnant body would allow before taking Alex's left hand and placing it on her stomach, then putting her own right hand on top to hold it there. Oey currently had the hiccups so the movements were quite short and regular. When Liv was sure Alex wouldn't move her hand away from her stomach, Olivia reached over and cradled Alex's cheek. Liv's fingers and thumb gently touching and caressing in reassurance while whispering words of heartfelt love as Alex let her tears flow freely. Olivia let herself cry once again when she pressed a soft kiss to Alex's lips._

_Olivia eventually asked her major concern after kissing the tip of Alex's nose, "Are you feeling like hurting yourself?"_

_"No, I don't want to do that... I just want to cry... I just want you here with me while I have a good cry about everything that's happened. And I don't want you to die! I know it's a stupid thing to want, but-"_

_"I'm not going to die, and neither are you... not for a long, long time. You and me, we're going to grow old together."_

_"You don't know that," Alex croaked._

_"No, I don't. But I am going to do everything I possibly can to make it happen. We're going to be in the same nursing home room, playing checkers in our rocking chairs... making out when the nurses aren't looking... maybe we'll even chase each other around the room with our walking frames."_

_Alex couldn't help but give a halfhearted snort at the idea._

_Liv continued, "We're going to be Moms to a beautiful daughter very soon... We're going to get married-"_

_"You haven't proposed yet," the ADA said quietly._

_Olivia smiled sadly as a few more tears escaped her eyes, "I was going to propose to you on our date night. I'd booked a table at the Rock Centre Café because it would have been the anniversary of that dinner date when we went ice skating after you came back from your ICC tenure."_

_"But you said it wasn't there."_

_"I had to keep you in the dark to surprise you seeing you know I'm going to propose. After dinner, you were going to go ice skating while I watched you from the sides. I envisioned that when you skated over to me, I was going to present you with a long stemmed rose jewellery box and ask you... but then the accident happened. I can propose right now if you want."_

_"No. You can't do that."_

_"Why not? Gloria would want me to propose. She wanted Doom to be happy, she wanted Brian to be happy, she wanted me to be happy. I want to propose to you. Proposing to you will make me happy. You accepting will make me happy."_

_"You already know I'll say yes," Alex said. She gave a small smile, "I might keep my threat of proposing to you if you don't soon."_

_"I have a few other possible days to propose up my sleeve. Give me until... my last day at SVU before I take maternity leave. If I haven't proposed to you by that night, then I'll let you get down on bended knee for me."_

_"January 3? Ok, then."_

_"Maybe I'll propose to you in the squad room?"_

_Alex made a face, "I'd prefer you wouldn't."_

_"Squad room it is then," Olivia teased, then gave Alex a long, soft kiss. She felt Alex's hand skate from her stomach to cup her breast before Alex's thumb gently brushed her nipple for a moment, then stilled._

_"Liv?" Alex whispered, moving her hand away._

_"Hmm?"_

_"You're leaking."_

_"What?"_

_Alex indicated Olivia's pyjama top, "Your breasts are leaking."_

_Olivia looked down while struggling to sit up, "Oh geez!"_

_Even with the sadness of Gloria's sudden passing, both women couldn't help but laugh at the current situation..._

Rafael's voice brought Olivia back to the present time, "We're all here for each other, you know that?"

"I do. We do. Right now, we're the only family Doom has... and he needs us more than ever," Olivia confirmed. She saw the funeral director approach Joe and indicated to Rafael, "We better take our seats."

Olivia and Rafael walked past the small gathering of friends and sat down beside their respective partners at the front of the room. Each couple interlaced their fingers in silently support as the funeral service for Gloria Dumas began.

**_In the arms of the angel,_**  
**_Fly away from here,_**  
**_From this dark, cold hotel room,_**  
**_And the endlessness that you fear._**  
**_You are pulled from the wreckage,_**  
**_Of your silent reverie._**  
**_You're in the arms of the angel,_**  
**_May you find some comfort here._  ~ Sarah McLachlan (In the Arms of the [Angel])**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry!... Not sorry. Do to me what you will with your pointy pitchforks and burning torches.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I make NO apologies for the lady loving between Alex and Olivia ;-) Nor for the M/M tenderness between Doom and Barba regarding Gloria's passing. It's nothing overt or gratuitous, so please don't disregard or skip that part of the chapter :-).

**_I'll be your dream, I'll be your wish, I'll be your fantasy;_**  
**_I'll be your hope, I'll be your love, be everything that you need;_**  
**_I love you more with every breath, truly madly deeply do;_**  
**_I will be strong, I will be faithful, 'cause I'm counting on:  
A new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah._  ~ Savage Garden (Truly, Madly, Deeply)**

In her barely awake state, Alex rolled over to face Olivia. It was getting harder for Liv to hold Alex during the entirety of the night like she did after walking boot finally came off, but the brunette made the effort until she knew Alex was asleep. When Alex would rouse during the night, the blonde would turn to face Olivia and gently rest her hand on Liv's stomach before falling back to sleep. It was after this occurred that Olivia would usually have her nightmares, or sometimes start talking in her sleep. The former still taking prominence over the latter, but the balance had been slowly starting to correct itself. Unfortunately since Gloria's death, Olivia's nightmares had taken precedence again.

Gloria's funeral, only 12 hours earlier, was more a celebration of her life than of mourning her tragic passing. Joe said it's how Gloria would've wanted it. The Lord's Prayer and certain passages of scripture were read aloud, including Psalm 23, but the ceremony also included a video graphic tribute to Israel 'IZ' Kamakawiwoʻole's  _"Somewhere over the Rainbow/What a Wonderful World"_  medley. The images included Gloria in her youth and growing up; images of her with a baby Brian; a proud Gloria with a toddler Brian and baby Joseph; Gloria with both Brian and Joe graduating the NYPD Academy; Gloria looking so proud when Brian and Joe were each promoted to the rank of Detective; Gloria in various locations on her travels over the years; and the final image displayed was of Rafael, Joe, Gloria, Olivia and Alex taken in Rafael's apartment at Thanksgiving. That same photo now sat beside the photograph of Brain, Olivia and Alex on the mantle.

Alex reached her hand out and was initially confused when she was met with nothingness. She reached her hand out a little further and was again met with emptiness and cold sheets. The ADA slowly sat up, switched the bedside lamp on then put on her glasses before getting out of bed, wrapping herself in her fluffy robe and putting her slippers on. At least Olivia wouldn't be sneaking a look at the Sergeants exam folder, trying to decide what her future would be any more. Alex expected the SVU detective to be in the kitchen sneaking a snack or placing some gift under the small artificial Christmas tree in the lounge room. They had both agreed that they would only buy each other a single gift, and of course small items to fill the stockings now hanging off the mantle, and all other gifts would be for  _Oey_. Most of the gifts under the tree were clothing, simple books, and toys for when their daughter was a little older, but neither women cared. The handmade stockings themselves had been found in Gloria's room in the retirement home when Doom went there to begin the arduous process of emptying her room. One delicately embroidered with  _Mommy_ , one with  _Mama_ , the other with _Oey_. Whether the stockings had been purchased during one of Gloria's coach tours before the accident, and she then had someone add the names; or whether she commissioned one of the other retirement home residents to make them, Doom couldn't tell. He knew for a fact that Gloria wouldn't have made them though. Gloria Dumas and sewing didn't mix. But one thing was for certain:  _Oey_  would always be their daughter's special nickname.

As she made her way down the hall, Alex didn't expect the light to be on in the spare room. She pushed the door open and saw Olivia dumping the contents of the hospital bag on the bed to join what seemed to be the contents of  _Oey's_  hospital bag, and the contents of all the baby drawers. Alex couldn't help but give a small smile seeing Olivia was going through the nesting phase. When Elliott had assembled the 4 in 1 bed, Olivia had gotten him to rearrange the room 5 times before she was satisfied with the location of everything. Even after Melanie had stayed, Liv had voiced her concern that when the Winthrop Sheriff would return there mightn't be enough room. Alex placated the brunette with a compromise that they could rearrange again.

"Hey," Alex said softly when Olivia looked back over her shoulder. "What are doing in here at this hour?"

"Couldn't sleep," Liv sighed, picking up an opened prefold diaper and refolding it into thirds.

"Did you have a nightmare?"

"I did," Olivia nodded, taking a moment to decide which of empty drawers on the bed to put the diaper in before doing so.

Alex was puzzled, "Why didn't I wake up then? I always wake when you have a nightmare. You start moaning and whimpering... that's how I know."

Liv placed the 2 packs of maternity pads back in the hospital bag, "That's the weird thing. I woke up before anything bad could happen in my nightmare because I somehow  _knew_  I was having a nightmare."

"Like a lucid dream?"

"Yeah. It's the first time it's happened since the nightmares began. Also thinking about Gloria and Doom too. Unfortunately, I couldn't fall back asleep. So I decided to..." Olivia waved her hand to indicate everything on the bed as she picked up another prefold.

"Upend everything?" joked the blonde.

" _Tidy_."

"Well, if you hadn't of emptied the contents of everything into the bed-"

"It has to be right before I give birth!  _Oey_  could arrive at any moment and I want to be prepared as much as I possibly can," Liv rested her hand low.

Alex tried to quell her rising panic, "Are you having contractions right now?"

"Just the usual Braxton Hicks, that's all."

"You sure?"

"I'm  _sure_ ," Olivia confirmed after a few more seconds. She moved her hand away and resumed folding the diaper.

"Would you like some help... tidying?"

"No, it's alright. I want do it. You go back to bed and get some more sleep. I'll be back in as soon as I've finished this."

"I'll leave you to it then," Alex pressed a soft, lingering kiss to Olivia's lips before quickly darting her tongue inside Liv's mouth for an all too brief moment. "I love you."

With her libido suddenly spiking from that kiss, Olivia watched in rapt fascination as Alex exited. Was she... sashaying? Surely she wasn't. Alex was just walking normally back to their bedroom... her hips... her ass... her legs... her breasts... her body... naked body... Alex naked... very naked... Oh boy!

Olivia looked down at the prefold still in her hand, then at the disarray on the spare bed, then back towards the door. She pressed her thighs together to relieve some of the growing throbbing. How did Alex make her feel this way so fast from such a small gesture?

So much tidying.

So very horny.

Was there an official time frame from attending the funeral of your unborn daughter's grandmother to being intimate with the woman you intend to propose to? Would Gloria see it as disrespectful that she suddenly wanted to make love to the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with? No. Gloria wouldn't see it that way. Gloria only ever wanted happiness for Joe and Olivia, and she could see that Rafael and Alex were providing that happiness for her now only son and the mother of her granddaughter. It was one of the last things she said to Olivia and Doom before leaving Rafael's apartment after Thanksgiving dinner.

Liv tossed the prefold back on the bed and hurried after Alex, untying and shedding her own robe along the way.

With only the single bedside lamp illuminating the bedroom, Olivia gently spun Alex around just before the blonde could climb back into bed and kissed her passionately. Alex could sense the desperation, hunger and desire and returned it with as much eagerness. Both women wanting and needing to reconnect and reaffirm their love, quickly abandoned their sleeping attire down to their panties. Long moments past before the desperation subsided and the tenderness they truly craved finally took over.

Hands roaming, recommitting known curves to memory.

Gentle touches and pinches to tease and excite.

Languid kissing and tugging of lips and nipples.

As she slipped her hands beneath Alex's panties and kneaded the blonde's toned ass, Olivia ran through her various safe words then added, "I know it's almost 3 in the morning, but I want to try something."

"What like?"

"Will you straddle my face?"

Alex didn't mask her apprehension, "I-I've... We've never done that."

Liv stilled her hands, "I think it'll be a while before can do that with you, but-"

"I don't think I've ever felt comfortable enough to do that with anyone before," Alex clarified. "It's a vulnerable position to be in."

"Oh! Ok. We don't have to then. I just thought... don't worry about it."

"Tell me what you wanted to do," Alex prompted.

Olivia shook her head, "Forget I asked about it. We can do what we've been doing previously with you standing between my legs."

"No. It's something  _you_  want to do."

"Not if you're uncomfortable with it. I'd  _never_  force you to do something you don't want to do."

"I never said I didn't want to do it, I just said I'd never done it before. Tell me exactly what you want to do."

Olivia explained, "If I were lying on the bed and you were there on my face while holding on to the headboard of the bed, I could bring you to orgasm... and your hand could be on top of mine while I bring myself to orgasm, because I want to come  _with_  you. I want us to come at the same time. It'd be another step closer to possibly reciprocating."

Worrying her lip, Alex took her time to mentally picture what Olivia wanted to do. She finally voiced her choice, "Lay down on the bed for me."

"No, you don't have to do it just to please me."

"You've been taking these steps for us to be intimate, I think it's time I take one myself. I  _want_ to do this, Liv... I feel safe with you."

"Would it be selfish if I still keep my panties on though?"

" _Your_  steps are just as important, if not more. You keep them on if you want," Alex said.

Once Olivia had positioned herself in the middle of the bed and propped up against the pillows, Alex removed her panties and straddled the brunette's thighs like many times before. The women resumed their gentle touches and slow kisses, each taking their time to love and worship the body of the other.

When Alex could feel her arousal growing, she kissed that sweet spot near Olivia's ear then whispered huskily, "Lay back."

The ADA shifted to allow the brunette to lay back but with her head still propped up on a pillow before positioning herself over Olivia's face.

"Put your hand on top of mine," Olivia said, placing her own at the hem of her boy shorts.

Alex looked back over her left shoulder, placed her left hand on top of Olivia's right before securely grasping the headboard with her right hand to steady herself. She still felt vulnerable but not nearly as vulnerable as she always assumed she'd feel. Then again, Alex trusted Olivia above all others. The blonde maintained her focus over her shoulder as the detective moved their combined hands beneath the underwear, finally feeling smoothness and some wetness with the tips of her fingers for the first time since that night in the motel all those years ago. Alex had to remind herself not to move her hand when she felt Olivia's middle fingers disappear between the brunette's own wet folds. Olivia swept a slow, deliberate lick to Alex's inner thigh to get her attention and distract her.

"Are you alright up there?"

Alex nodded, "Yeah. I'm ready when you are."

"I love you," Olivia waggled her eyebrow response and waited for Alex to lower herself a little more.

The ADA's breath quickened when Liv alternated between kissing and licking both her inner thighs to tease her with anticipation.

When Olivia finally laved her tongue through Alex's folds, she began moving their combined hands between her own legs. Each time Olivia moved theirs hands lower to gather more moisture, she pressed her tongue inside Alex's opening. Each time she focused her attention of Alex's bundle of nerves, she did mirrored the same attention with her own fingers. She was cognizant that Alex was rocking back and forth on her knees at a slow, steady pace, but whether Alex was consciously aware she was doing this, Olivia couldn't tell. She could tell, however, that Alex was getting closer to orgasm from the all too familiar whimpers of pleasure the blonde was currently making. Liv chanced a look up to see Alex trying to palm her right breast for an all too brief moment before steadying herself on the headboard again.

Alex groaned in appreciation when Olivia skated her left hand from Alex's thigh up to palm the pale breast for her. She began rocking faster and gripped the headboard tighter before her orgasm suddenly ripped through her body. Moments later, Olivia gasped Alex's name as her own orgasm crashed over her. As unsteady as she felt, Alex carefully shifted from her position over Olivia's face to settle beside the brunette, not wanting to collapse forward to smother Liv or collapse backwards to injure their daughter.

Just as Alex went to reach down to cover their bodies with the eiderdown, Olivia removed her thoroughly coated fingers between her own legs from and offered them to Alex. Though it was probably still going to be a little while yet before Alex could reciprocate their love making like they envisioned, Liv wasn't going to deny Alex any of the basic pleasures of making love to a woman. After Olivia removed her fingers from Alex's mouth, the blonde kissed Liv hungrily. Alex wasn't going to deny Olivia those pleasures either as they both tasted their combined essences for the first time in over 8 years.

* * *

Joe and Rafael were continuing to sort through Gloria's belongings to donate to charity, or keep for sentimental reasons, when a voice was heard near the open door of the self contained apartment, "I'm sorry for your loss, Mister Dumas."

A number of other people had passed on their condolences as they passed by the door. Many of them also had lost a family member in the accident and were going through the belongings in nearby apartments. A few even lost both parents. Olivia and Alex had offered to help with the cleaning out Gloria's room, however, Doom declined. He needed to do it his way, at his own pace. He had started on the December 18, 3 days after the accident, and immediately broke down as soon as he entered the room. With the DA's office winding down for the holidays, Rafael dropped everything and went to the retirement home as soon as Joe called. The blonde SVU detective couldn't even utter a single word, but the male ADA knew exactly that Joe needed him.

Doom walked over to the man and shook his hand, "Thankyou, sir."

The man had a full head of dark grey hair, a pencil moustache, a houndstooth jacket and a cravat. Honestly, he looked very much like an older and greyer Clark Gable.

"Please, Theodore Du Plessis-Carrington... the 3rd."

"I'm sorry, I'm not sure my Mom ever mentioned you to me."

"I'm a newer resident here. I was supposed to be on that coach tour to Ottawa, but decided against going. Gloria was a delightful woman to be around. She and I were becoming friendly... until she slapped me."

Doom's attitude swiftly turned cold at that admission, "Oh!  _You're_  the guy that assumes all... now what was the term Mom said you used? That's right...  _homo fags_... You think all  _homo fags_  are limp wristed, flamboyantly effeminate boys that blow air kisses to everyone and sundry. I suppose you think we speak with a stereotypical lisp and call everyone...  _'Darling', 'Girlfriend',_  or _'Princess'_..." Doom over emphasised the last few words with a lilted tone before his voice returned to normal, "... like Carson Kressley from 'Queer Eye'? Or that we flail and prance about when we get excited? Perhaps you think we like to dress in women's underwear, or put on leather chaps with nothing else on whenever we can? Maybe you think we're perverts that like little children... especially  _boys_?"

"I... I..." Theodore spluttered while Doom continued talking over the top of him.

"Maybe you think you've caught some disease just from shaking my hand, or that you're now a  _homo fag_? Perhaps you think I'm instantly attracted to  _you_  just because you're a male? Maybe you're thinking _'Backs to the wall'_  right now so we won't sexually assault you when you turn to continue on your way, because that's the  _only_  way we can have sex? Well, you know what  _Mister Theodore Du Plessis-Carrington... the 3rd,_ I'm glad my mother slapped you! Because if you'd said and done what you said to my Mom to me at my partner's apartment at Thanksgiving, my fist would knock your teeth-"

"Joseph," Rafael said calmly as he placed his hand on Doom's leather clad shoulder.

Doom shrugged off the gesture, spun around and walked over to the window that overlooked the well manicured gardens of the retirement home. He folded his arms across his broad chest in an effort to calm his rising ire.

Rafael addressed Theodore in what only could be described as his 'court voice', "Thankyou for your... supposed concern regarding Gloria's family,  _sir_."

"I just-"

Rafael didn't allow the man to explain himself, "We  _don't_  want to hear what you have to say. We respectfully ask that you now leave us in peace so  _we_  can deal with Gloria's passing, and  _you_  can continue living what's left of your narrow minded life. Have a happy holidays. "

When Theodore attempted to say something else, Rafael growled with a tone of finality, " _Feliz Navidad_."

Barba waited until Theodore had left before closing and locking the door to Gloria's self contained apartment. He walked over to where Joe was standing and pulled Doom into a comforting hug, knowing Joe was on the verge of tears again.

It wasn't just what Theodore had commented about to Gloria on Thanksgiving, or what Doom had just said only moment earlier. Both men were secure with their sexuality and had dealt with blatant homophobia and clichéd assumptions regarding gay men over the years. It was just the whole situation of Doom remembering Gloria as it was just over 24 hours since her funeral. Joe had remained stoic throughout the funeral service, but when he and Rafael returned to Barba's apartment, the tears flowed freely. It broke Rafael's heart to see such a strong man... the man he admired and loved... be so emotionally raw, however Rafael knew how much Gloria meant to Joe. Sure, Doom had cried after Brian's passing, but it had been easier for Joe to accept that there had been no hope of recovery for his older brother. It could even be put that Brian's death at the hands of Lewis Williams occurred in the line of duty.

But Gloria's sudden passing was purely a tragic accident.

" _Llorar a lágrima viva_ ," Rafael murmured, his hand running soothing lines up and down Doom's broad back. The Cuban could feel Joe's arms wrap around his smaller frame as the SVU detective began sobbing again.

Joe didn't need to ask for the translation having already learnt that phrase from Rafael after Brian's passing, and having heard it again since Gloria's passing. It basically meant, 'Mourn, cry your eyes out'. He didn't feel comfortable breaking down in front of anyone except Barba. They stayed holding each other for several minutes, Rafael silently shedding numerous tears as well.

"Why couldn't _he_  have died? Why'd it have to be Mom and all the other residents?" Doom choked out as he finally began to calm himself and ending the embrace. "Sorry... I know I shouldn't wish anything like that on anyone. It's just not fair what happened to Mom, and pricks like  _that_  get to live!"

"Don't be sorry," Rafael removed a clean handkerchief from his jacket and handed it to Joe as they both sat down on the end of Gloria's bed. "Not wanting to play up our steroetype, but that cravat was  _so_ 2 years ago. And don't get me started on that pencil moustache!"

Doom couldn't help but begin chuckling as he hastily wiped away his tears with the handkerchief. Even though Rafael Barba was serious at work, he always managed to make Joe laugh in their own private company. "Thanks for being here with me, Rafi."

"I wouldn't be anywhere else, Joe. You mean too much to me," Rafael interlaced their fingers together before pressing a gentle, lingering kiss to Doom's mouth. A kiss of reassurance, compassion, comfort, admiration and above all, unwavering love.

Joe discreetly cleared his throat after ending the kiss, "Hey Rafi... can I ask you some legal advice?"

"With regard to?"

"There's a couple of things really. First up, I wanna update my own will... change my medical proxy and Power of Attorney, that sort of stuff. I should of sorted it after Bri died seeing he was mine... and now Mom being gone," Doom sighed, taking a moment to gather his thoughts. "What I'm  _trying_  to say is... will you be my medical proxy and Power of Attorney?"

Barba nodded, "Of course. What's the other thing?"

" _That_  involves Benson, Cabot and  _Oey_... myself... I guess it also involves you too, when I think about it." Doom could see the look of uncertainty on the ADA's face, "It's not what you think, Rafi... it's  _not_ about custody of  _Oey_  or anything like that."

"A trust fund?"

"Kinda," Doom once again took some time before he explained in detail to Rafael what he wanted to do.

Rafael exhaled after fully comprehending what Joe wanted to do, "I'd have to look into the legalities, but I'm fairly certain that's doable."

"I want to do it ASAP."

"How soon?"

"Before Christmas?"

Rafael snorted, "Joe, it's December 21st today. Christmas is 4 days away!"

Doom couldn't help but give a cheeky grin as he playfully bumped Barba's shoulder, "I thought you'd like the challenge,  _Counsellor_."

"I  _love_  a challenge,  _Detective_."

* * *

Snugging closer to the warmth next to her, Vanessa yawned silently and couldn't help but smile, even though her eyes were still closed. Today, Monday December 23, was her 30th birthday. She assumed that she would feel old or like the world had come to a screeching halt, and maybe a few months ago it would have been that. Maybe even a few weeks ago. But now... nothing could be further from the truth. She felt exactly the same as she had since Alan and Papi's arrival on Saturday evening.

Alive, content, perhaps even loved... and in love.

Although neither her or Alan had voiced the 'L' word to each other.

She hadn't even been aware that she'd been bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet in anticipation when the arrivals board displayed that Alan's plane had landed and was taxiing to the designated gate. That was until the woman standing next to her commented that the red head seemed excited. She beamed when Alan eventually came into view with the black carry bag containing the little Papillon. Without putting Papi's carry bag down, Alan wrapped his left arm around the red head's waist, lifting her a few inches off the ground and kissing her ever so softly on her lips before placing Vanessa carefully back on the ground. Papi had whined all the way from Newark to Hackensack because Alan wouldn't take her out of the carry bag to greet Vanessa, but Alan only kept Papi in there because he wanted the little dog to stay safe for the journey. As soon as they were at Vanessa's house, Alan let Papi out to relieve herself. Once that was out of the way, Papi couldn't contain her excitement for seeing Vanessa again.

Alan had expected that he would sleep on the fold out like he did last time, but Vanessa said they would be sharing her bed upstairs. That was until Alan couldn't stop laughing while Papi struggled to climb any of the polished wooden stairs up to Vanessa's bedroom. They were just too high and slippery for the little Papillon to ascend and she voiced her disdain with numerous barks and whines at the bottom of the stairs. Vanessa felt so sorry for the dog and went back down carried Papi up the stairs. She doubted Papi would have struggled if there had been carpet on the stairs, but she'd never had an animal in this house before. Truth be told, she'd never had a pet before. When Vanessa returned to the top of the stairs with Papi in her arms, she said there wouldn't be enough room for anyone else with her and Papi in her bed and Alan would have to sleep downstairs on the fold out before closing the bedroom door in the rookie's face. It took Alan a moment to fathom what had just happened, but he knew Vanessa was only joking because she began having a loud conversation with Papi about  _'little butterflies having to stick together because of mean ol' rocks that laugh and tease them for being so small, and only a grovelling apology would make amends'_.

Vanessa had opened the bedroom door after Alan began singing  _'Please Forgive Me'_  by Bryan Adams, only to see the curly haired rookie down on both his knees. Although the red head said he could stop singing half way through, Alan shook his head and said Papi hadn't forgiven him yet and continued singing the whole song... including an air guitar solo. Alan deliberately avoided Vanessa's gaze when he sang the line _'One thing I'm sure of is the way we make love'_ , knowing neither of them were anywhere near ready to take that step. Both still had a long way to go in dealing with, and coming to terms with their respective sexual assaults. Once Alan had finished the song, Vanessa and Papi forgave him.

They had spent a great deal of yesterday in New York, letting Papi enjoy the sniffs, sounds and squirrels of Central Park for several hours. They enjoyed walking around in anonymity, noone caring about them or their relationship status. Olivia, Alex and Mel were still of the opinion that they were both in Ohio for the holidays, and Olivia actually laughed when Vanessa admitted she and Alan had kissed when the brunette had made the final payment on Alex's engagement ring. Instead, it was Vanessa and Alan who were having the last laugh in that regard.

Vanessa cracked an eye open as Alan began kissing her good morning for her birthday... no, licking her mouth and nose with a wet tongue. She recoiled in horror, "Urgh, Papi! Stop that!"

She sat up and looked around, grabbing a tissue to wipe her mouth and nose clean. Papi was on the bed with her little dog coat on, wagging her silky tail. The only thing beside Vanessa was the spare pillow with Alan's jacket around it.

Where was Alan?

And what was that faint thumping noise?

It took a few moments for Vanessa to recognise the noise.

He wasn't doing it again, was he?

Vanessa slipped on her robe and ugg boots, hastily went to the bathroom, washed her hands and face, then brush her teeth. Returning to the bedroom, she picked up Papi off the bed and went down the stairs as fast as she could. The aroma of freshly baked breakfast muffins lingered in the air but Alan was nowhere to be seen in the kitchen, but the thumping noise was clearly coming from the small back yard. Vanessa crept over to the door and shifted the curtain to peek out. Her breath hitched at the sight she saw. It was the same thing she saw after returning from Mount Pisgah.

There was Alan, dressed in only a pair of jeans and boots, with the waist band of his Calvin Klein underwear peeking out, chopping wood for the open fireplace.

Oh.

My.

God.

Sure, Vanessa had seen Alan shirtless before... but this took it to a whole new level. His biceps, pectoral and abdominal muscles all covered in a sheen of sweat. She was mesmerised as the rookie placed a small log on the large, round chopping block; swung the axe above his head and cleaved the log in half in one swift blow. As the 2 log halves tumbled to the ground, Alan picked up a towel from a nearby log and quickly wiped his face and brow. Vanessa thought she'd never look at another man the same again after what Lewis Williams did to her, but Alan was proving her wrong time and time again. The red head watched in rapt fascination as he placed the towel back down and set another log on the chopping block to repeat the process again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Pervert.

She snapped out of her hypnotic state as Alan carried a armful of firewood wrapped in the towel towards the back door.

"Hey!" Vanessa called out from the bottom of the stairs, pretending she's just come down from the bedroom. She placed Papi down on the ground and tried not to stare.

"Good morning!" Alan placed the firewood next to the fireplace and gave Papi a quick scratch. Slinging the towel over his shoulder, he turned his attention back to Vanessa, "I was going to and wake you after I got the fire started."

"Papi woke me up," Vanessa replied, her inner dialogue adding _'Alan, you already started the fire a long time ago.'_

"Would you like breakfast first? Or your birthday present?"

"Present first, please."

"I'll be right back," Alan tossed the towel into the laundry room before taking the stairs 2 at a time. He returned a minute later, a blue and grey flannel shirt on but not buttoned up, and sat down beside Vanessa on the sofa. He picked Papi up into his lap and removed a small parcel from his front left breast pocket, then an envelope from his front right breast pocket. " _Felix natalis tibi sit_."

Vanessa thanked Alan for saying 'Happy birthday to you' in Latin. She opened the envelope to find a handmade card with a number of quilled flowers, lace and pearl embellishments and a large quilled butterfly on the front. She looked over at the rookie, "Did you make this?"

Alan stifled a laugh, "Ah, no. Heather, Mel's sister-in-law, she makes different craft items in her spare time and sells them in the General Store. I think with Brad on night duty for a month it's allowed her to make a lot more things."

Vanessa chuckled and read what was written inside the card.

 _To a special butterfly,_  
_The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller_  
I hope you have a happy birthday, and many more.  
From a little rock.

Vanessa blinked the tears that threatened to fall. How did he always make her feel so special? Like she was the only one that mattered? She distracted herself by opening her gift. Her eyes widened when she opened the velvet box and saw the item of jewellery inside.

"Like it?" Alan asked hesitantly.

"I love them," Vanessa nodded. She leant over and kissed Alan softly on the lips, "Thankyou."

"I'm glad. I was worried you think it was stupid."

"They're not stupid. You know what else I'd love, Alan?"

"No, what?"

Vanessa tilted her head and grinned, "I'd love to have a little fun with Liv and Alex after they finish work tonight."

Alan returned the grin with his own dimply grin, "What do you have in mind?"

* * *

_"Hey Liv! Can I come around for dinner for my birthday? I'm lonely."_

Liv placed the cell phone on the bench and pressed the speaker icon, "Nessa, I know you're in Ohio with Alan. I got the selfie just a few moments ago."

It was true. Just a few minutes earlier, Olivia received a selfie of Vanessa, Alan and Papi with some snow in the background with an attached comment of:  _Having fun with my friend! ;-)_

Vanessa sighed, _"That was taken in Winthrop after climbing Mount Pisgah."_

"Sure it was... Wait a minute, someone's at the door."

_"I know! It's me!"_

Olivia looked though the peep hole and opened the door, "What the hell, Nessa?!"

"I  _told_  you I wasn't going to Ohio. Here, dinner's on me!" Vanessa pocketed her phone and indicated 2 bags of takeaway in her other hand.

Closing the door, Liv was trying to comprehend what was happening, "But..."

"What?" Vanessa prompted.

"Where's Alan?" Liv finally managed, pocketing her own cell phone.

Vanessa shrugged and made a noise of uncertainty as she placed the bags of takeaway food on the table. She gave the approaching blonde a wave, "Hey Alex!"

Alex stopped in her tracks, "What are you doing here, Vanessa?"

"Thought I'd come over for my birthday. Hope you like Thai."

"Aren't you supposed to be in Ohio?" Alex asked. She looked over at Olivia for some explanation and received a shrug from the brunette in response.

Vanessa began unpacking the containers from the bags, "I'm certain I told you both I wasn't going to Ohio for the holidays. If I recall correctly, you both laughed at me. I guess you both should've believed me."

"Where's Alan?" Alex asked.

"I don't know! He definitely booked his plane tickets, he said so when we skyped with you in Winthrop... so he could be anywhere! Now, are we just going to stand here talking about where Alan and myself are  _supposed_  to be, or are we going to eat?"

A sudden knock at the door added to the confusion of Olivia and Alex.

Olivia checked the peep hole and reeled back. Alex saw Olivia's reaction and checked the peep hole herself. All she could see was a familiar Papillon at eye height and nothing else. They opened the door and saw Alan moved Papi away from the peep hole lens.

"Hey! Papi and I were in the neighbourhood and thought we'd drop in..." Alan looked further into the apartment, "Oh! Hey Vanessa! I didn't see you there."

As Alex closed the door, Olivia asked the obvious, "Alright! What's going on here?"

Vanessa explained while Alan placed Papi on the floor, "Dad made it very clear to me that Alan wasn't welcome for my birthday or the holidays in Ohio with the family. I told him if Alan wasn't welcome, neither was I."

"Doesn't he understand it was because of Alan that you and Olivia were found?" Alex wondered aloud.

"Nope," Vanessa shook her head sadly. "So, Alan and Papi are spending the assigned time off with me in Hackensack rather than change our holiday plans completely."

Alex and Olivia exchanged glances before Liv asked, "What have you got planned for Christmas Day?"

Alan replied, "We were going to just going to get a couple of turkey drumsticks at the supermarket tomorrow and make a few little side dishes, that's all."

Liv queried, "Would you like to join us, Doom and Rafael for Christmas lunch here in the apartment? We've had it organised since before Thanksgiving... Rafael and Doom had Thanksgiving lunch with the Barba family so we'd have Thanksgiving dinner together. We agreed to swap it around to have Christmas lunch here and Gloria was going to cook, then Rafael and Doom could have Christmas dinner with the Barba's. All the food's ordered and will delivered tomorrow afternoon... it's just none of us feel much like cooking."

"I don't mind cooking Christmas lunch if you'll let me, Olivia. I used to enjoy helping Grandma prepare and cook on Christmas Day," Alan offered.

* * *

The aroma of turkey, stuffing and vegetables roasting in the oven filled the air, along with freshly baked gingerbread and Christmas pudding inside Alex and Olivia's apartment.

"Nice earrings, Nessa."

"Thanks. Got the matching necklace today," Vanessa fingered the gold filigree butterfly pendant sitting above her Fearlessness tag pendant. There was a tiny diamond in the body of butterfly which Alan said was a little rock that a special butterfly deserved to have... but she wasn't going to tell Olivia that part of their Christmas morning conversation. "I like your ones!"

"Alex's gift for me today," Liv tucked her hair behind her ear to show off the moonstone marquise drop earrings. In certain light, the earrings looked like they were a turquoise colour.

"Sorry to interrupt. Olivia, can you try this?" Alan held out the spoon in his left hand, his right hand hovering underneath just in case anything dripped. Around his right wrist was a men's natural leather and sterling silver Fearlessness tube bracelet, which was Vanessa's Christmas gift to him. He had also received some small fluffy red dice for his Plymouth Fury, but he had received that particular gift on his 'half birthday'... which was Vanessa's birthday. Whether it was fate that Alan's birthday was June 23, which would be Vanessa's 'half birthday', neither would say or question it.

Liv hummed her approval, "That's really good!"

"Well you said you'd prefer something other than gravy with your serving of turkey, so I thought you might like some satay instead."

"Do I get to try it too?" Alex asked, unconsciously toying with the gold octagonal hinged bangle around her right wrist she had received from Liv.

Olivia stated, "You can  _taste_ , but you don't get any at lunch because it's for...  _Oey_."

Over near the Christmas tree, Papi was trying to destroy her plush dog bone toy after having had the squeaky one taken away from her after one too many squeaks. She couldn't understand why her Daddy would give her a cool squeaky toy to then only take it away again. But the little Papillon thought this was even better as she shook her head from side to side. If only this plush bone was a squirrel!

Doom and Rafael were already on their way up to the apartment having sent a quick text. Christmas this year wasn't going to be a merry occasion but it was going to be as enjoyable as it could be under the circumstances. As Kelly Leonard said, family is what you make it, and in a very short while Olivia, Alex, Vanessa, Alan, Joe and Rafael would be their own eclectic family.

Partners, lovers, best friends and  _'just friends'_.

Future mothers, special aunts and uncles, husbands and wives to be.

Friendships forged through unexpected adversity.

None of them knew what their futures would bring, and only time would tell how big their 'family' would grow.

Maybe Christmas 2013 was the beginning of a new holiday tradition for everyone expected for lunch? Although it would have been wonderful if Melanie and Kelly here right now as well. Maybe for the holidays in 2014 the Leonards would be able to join them here in New York for  _Oey's_  first Christmas?

"No craving, huh?" Alex quirked an eyebrow in challenge.

Olivia was nonplussed, "I've already admitted it."

Alex snorted, "No you haven't."

"You ask Nessa."

Vanessa piped up at the mention of her name, "Ask me what?"

"Did Olivia admit she craved peanuts to you?"

"Yep. And in return I had to admit something too... Hey Alan?"

As Alan turned to look at Vanessa while he continued to chop herbs, the red head cradled one his cheeks and kissed him soundly on the lips as she held something green and leafy above both of their heads. Olivia and Alex stared wide eyed in disbelief at what was occurring in front of them.

"You just... you just kissed Alan," Olivia was stunned.

"I see how you became a detective, Liv. Very observant! I  _told_  you I kissed him and you didn't believe me! Besides, I have mistletoe. It's mandatory."

Liv rolled her eyes, "That's not mistletoe. That's  _sage_!"

Vanessa shrugged, "Close enough."

"So... is this what I think it means?"

Alan took the sage from Vanessa, "Yes, we like each other."

"Finally!" Alex cheered.

Liv added, "We never thought we'd get  _that_  confession."

Vanessa retorted, "Oh please, you both took 10 years to tell each other! Now, can you keep it quiet and not tell anyone until  _we're_  ready? This is really new for the both of us and we're taking things very slowly."

"So we can't tell Mel on Sunday night?" Olivia wondered.

"Definitely no!" Alan said firmly as a knock on the door could be heard. "Same goes for Doom and Barba!"

"Just checking!" Liv called back over her shoulder before checking the peep hole and opening the door. She greeted Doom and Rafael each with a warm hug and kiss on the cheek.

"That's Mom's gift for  _Oey_ ," Doom handed Olivia a soft parcel wrapped Christmas paper and discreetly led her towards the tree. He then pulled something from his jacket and gave it to Liv.

Olivia was puzzled, "What's this?"

Doom lowered his voice, "Something for you, Cabot and  _Oey_. Just... can you keep it safe until after the  _just friends_  leave later tonight? It's kinda private, but I want to be here when you and Cabot open it though... in case you have any questions."

"Sounds important," Olivia said looking at the sealed envelope in her hand.

"Kinda," Doom nodded, taking the proffered beer from Rafael's hand.

 ** _I want to stand with you on a mountain,_**  
**_I want to bathe with you in the sea,_**  
**_I want to lay like this forever,_**  
**_Until the sky falls down on me._ ~ Savage Garden (Truly, Madly Deeply)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The earrings that Olivia got from Alex are the ones that she always wear on the show these days. The hinged bangle is the one SMarch wears (easily seen in many of her Instagram pics). Next chapter is THE chapter so many readers have been waiting for, I guarantee it ;-). Something about a... proposal? *shrugs*.


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know readers have been waiting a long time for this particular chapter. So have I ;-). Readers, please let me know what you think :-)

**_But I won't hesitate no more, no more,_**  
**_It cannot wait, I'm yours._**  
**_Well open up your mind and see like me,_**  
**_Open up your plans and damn you're free,_**  
**_Look into your heart and you'll find love, love, love, love._  ~ Jason Mraz (I'm Yours)**

"Daddy? When are ya gonna get da snip?"

Sitting in his comfy leather recliner, Brad Zimmerley almost choked on his high caffeine cola then stared his daughter in disbelief as the 5 year old stared back at him innocently.

"W-why would you ask that, Jackie?"

The little girl with wavy, brownish blonde hair dressed in Disney princess pyjamas leant against her father's leg, "B'cause Mommy says when ya get da snip, we can get a doggy like Aunty Mel!"

Melanie and Heather couldn't contain their laughter any longer from the long leather lounge on other side of the entertainment room inside the Zimmerley house. The Winthrop Sheriff's station telephone had been diverted to the house in case any calls came through tonight seeing both Melanie and Brad were on duty for the holidays.

"So are ya gonna get a snip, Daddy?" Jacqueline 'Jackie' Zimmerley asked with expectant gummy grin, having lost both of her lower front teeth in the last few day. She began climbing up on to the arm of the recliner, "I really wanna doggy like  _Phalène_!"

"Umm..."

"Daddy? Is a snip a kinda haircut? B'cause you'd have t'grow yours heaps an' not get a buzzy for a while," Jackie reached out and brushed her hand over Brad's short, prickly buzzcut having settled on the arm of the recliner.

"Some certain type of hair would have to get shaved for Brad to get _'the snip'_ ," Heather said to Mel before cackling.

Mel wiped away her tears of laughter, "I think Brad's caught by the  _'short and curlies'_  right now!"

"You women are both terrible when you get together!" Brad directed his comment to his wife and sister.

"LLBFF's... without the  _Rizzoli and Isles_  subtext," Heather said before sipping her wine.

"So, Daddy? Can we get a doggy? I wanna lil' white one so we can call him  _Olaf_ , or a lil' brown one so we can call him _Sven_!" Jackie giggled.

Brad was puzzled, "Who's  _Olaf_  and _Sven_ , Jackie?"

Jackie rolled her eyes dramatically and huffed, "It's ' _Frozen_ ', Daddy! Elsa makes  _Olaf_  wif her snow for Anna, an'  _Sven_  is Kristoff's reindeer!"

"What's ' _Frozen'_?" the Deputy Sheriff felt out of his depth right now.

"Aunty Mel took me!"

Mel called across the room, "It's a movie, Daddy. Get with the program!"

"I thought we were loving Rapunzel a few months ago?" Brad rebutted.

Heather replied, "That's ' _Tangled'_ , and that's  _so_  last month. Keep up, Daddy."

Bradley rubbed his temple, "I'm trying to."

"Daaaaaad-dyyyyyy? Can we get a doooooog-gyyyyyy" Jackie singsonged. "Pleeeeeease?"

Brad finally said, "How's this, Jackie? Mommy says we'll get a doggy when Daddy gets the snip, right? Daddy says we'll get a doggy when Mommy gets her tubes tied!"

Jackie slid from the recliner arm, ran across the room with  _Phalène_  at her heels, and climbed into Heather's lap, "Mommy! Mommy! I can tie my shoelaces now! Will that help wif th' toobs?"

Heather stifled a laugh at her daughter's innocence, "No, Jackie. It won't help."

"You sure, Mommy?"

"Positive, but thankyou for offering."

Disappointed, Jackie flopped to the floor to play with  _Phalène_  again.

Heather took another sip of her wine, "Brad, get a vasectomy."

Brad took another mouthful of cola, "Heather, get tubal ligation."

"I've told you there will be _no_  tying of my lady parts."

"And I've told you there will be  _no_  snipping of my man parts."

Husband and wife exchanged determined stares across the room.

"Hey, Jay-Z!" Mel used the nickname bestowed on her niece since she was born, "I think it's time you go to bed. Mommy and Daddy still haven't sorted out if... you can have a dog or not. Maybe Mommy and Daddy should each get snipped and tied for fairness?"

"I wanna stay up, Aunty Mel! Mommy an' Daddy might let me have a doggy!"

"Jay-Z, your Mommy and Daddy have been talking about...  _getting a dog_... since before you were born. One of them has to...  _Let it go! Let it go!_ "

Jackie squealed, "That's Elsa's song!"

"Shhh!" Mel winked. " _Conceal, don't feel, don't let Daddy know! Well, now he knows_!"

Jackie joined in, " _Let it go! Let it go!... umm, lah lah lah... an' lah lah lah... Da cold never bov'ered me anyway_!"

"That's right. Now, kiss Mommy and Daddy good night and I'll tuck you in."

"I wanna see th' new year wif  _you,_  Aunty Mel!"

"You'll see next year  _tomorrow_."

"But-"

Heather spoke firmly, "No more buts, Jacqueline! It's already  _well_  past your bedtime."

"Yes, Mommy."

Once Jackie had bid goodnight to her parents, Mel crouched down and allowed her niece to clamber on to her back then carried the 5 year old towards her room, with  _Phalène_  instinctively trotting after the Sheriff. The shaggy blonde wondered if this was what it would've been like if David had lived? Bedtime battle of the wills. It was the 3rd attempt to get Jackie to sleep tonight, with Heather and Brad each having already attempted unsuccessfully. Mel spied Heather settling on to Brad's lap as she turned the corner and headed for the bedroom at the other end of the house, hearing the sound of the music coming through the speakers in the entertainment room. With the 5 Zimmerley boys were all staying at various friends for the evening to see in 2014, this was going to be the first time since the Indonesian Tsunami that Melanie would be seeing in a new year without Kelly. Patrick, the Zimmerley patriarch, had departed about an hour ago to return to his own house saying he was 'too old to stay up until midnight these days to see in the new year'.

Jackie climbed into bed after using the bathroom, "Aunty Mel? Can I have a story?"

Mel settled on the chair and deposited  _Phalène_  on the bed, "Book story or something before you were born story?"

"Before I was born!"

"Ok. Umm... let's see... your Daddy looked a lot like  _Kristoff_ when he was growing up."

Jackie scoffed while patting  _Phalène_ , "No he didn't!"

"Yes he did! He had hair like  _Kristoff_  when he married your Mommy."

"That's funny b'cause Daddy has a buzzy!"

"I know! Wanna know what else is funny, Jay-Z?"

"Yeah!"

Melanie whispered conspiratorially, "I had long hair like Elsa, and Aunty Kelly had long hair like Anna."

"No!" Jackie's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Yeah!"

"Wha' about Mommy?"

"Her hair was a little longer too, but not as long as mine."

Jackie scoffed, "Don't believe you!"

"I'll show you the photo albums at my house next time you're over."

"Aunty Mel, can I sleep over wif you again?"

"When Daddy and Mommy go on the cruise I booked for me and Aunty Kelly, you'll stay with me for a whole 21 days! We can eat lots of Mac and cheese, and you'll get to play with  _Phalène_  for all that time!"

"Cooooool! When?"

"At the end of January, after I go to New York to see my friends Olivia and Alex again."

"I won't miss school when Mommy an' Daddy go away?"

"No, you'll still go to kindergarten during the day just like you have been."

"Is O-livi-a da one havin' a baby?"

"That's correct.  _Oey_  could be born really soon, but we hope she's born later because we want  _Oey_  to be bigger, don't we?"

"Yeah. Aunty Mel, maybe Mommy an' Daddy can lemme have a lil' sister instead of a doggy?"

"Probably not... but not out of the realm of possibility knowing  _your_  parents!" Mel snorted.

"Maybe you an' Aunty Kelly can have a baby?" Jackie asked innocently.

Mel gave her niece a pained smile, "We did. Remember, we've talked about David before."

Jackie thought for a time, "You an' Aunty Kelly said God needed an angel in heaven wif Granny Hannah an' he choosed David."

"That's right. But Aunty Kelly and I never forget him. He'd be a year older than you if he were still with us. And Aunty Kelly and I can't have any more babies, but we can be awesome aunts!"

"Yeah! You an' Aunty Kelly are the  _awesome-ist_!... Aunty Mel, I miss Aunty Kelly."

"I miss her too, Jay-Z. Really,  _really_  miss her."

"When she comin' back?"

"What's the month that's my birthday?"

"Umm... April!"

"What's the month after April?"

"May."

"Aunty Kelly comes back in May."

"Where is she again?"

Mel walked over and picked up an old atlas from the bookshelf, then returned to the chair. "What country in the world do we live in?"

"U-nited States of A-merica!"

"And which state?"

"Maine!"

Mel opened the book at the back inside cover and pointed out Maine on the political map of the USA, "We're here, Jay-Z... and this is where Maine is in the world..." Mel then flipped to the front of the book that depicted the political map of the world. She pointed out the Northeast corner of the USA to indicate Maine's location, "Right there. And Aunty Kelly is all the way over..." The Sheriff found the cluster of islands in Southeast Asia, "... here. That's the Philippines. Aunty Kelly was in city called Tacloban until just before Christmas, but she's been relocated to Guiuan again. She's helping lots of sick people because there was a really big storm over there."

"B'cause Aunty Kelly's a doc-tor!"

"That's right. Do you wanna be a doctor like Aunty Kelly when you grow up?"

"Nope."

"Do you wanna be... a Deputy Sheriff like Daddy?"

"Nope."

"What about a Sheriff like me?"

Jackie shook her head, "Nope. I wanna be like Mommy an' have a store."

"Is it gonna be a General Store like Mommy's?"

"Nope. I'm gonna have a store that has lotsa dresses!"

"Sounds like a plan. You can be whatever you want to be, Jay-Z."

"An' I can love who I wanna love b'cause we don't d'crim'nate."

"That's right, we don't discriminate. Alright, time for you to go to sleep."

"Aww."

"No aww'ing, Jay-Z. The faster you go to sleep, the faster the new year arrives. Gimme a hug and a kiss and I'll see you next year."

Having stayed until Jackie was drifting off to sleep, Mel placed  _Phalène_  back down on the floor, then headed for the bathroom to take a moment to compose herself. The Sheriff splashed a handful of water on her cheeks before she patted her face dry on the guest towel. Sometimes the most innocent questions from a child could be the most heartbreaking questions of all. Mel headed for the kitchen and grabbed herself another high caffeine cola. She would've loved to down a beer right now, but she was on duty and would never compromise herself or her job if she needed to be called out at a moment's notice.

Melanie reentered the entertainment room to see that the lights had been dimmed. The Deputy Sheriff slipped his cell phone back into his jacket before resuming slow dancing with his wife to the closing stanza of ' _She's Got A Way_ ' by Billy Joel. It was the song that was playing at the school dance when Bradley finally worked up the courage to ask Heather to dance with him. It was also a song that Melanie loved because it was the personification of her currently absent wife.

Bradley ended the dance, and grabbed the remote for the entertainment system. He pointed the remote and clicked a number to times, the opening line of ' _Because You Loved Me_ ' by Celine Dion was instantly recognised by the Sheriff.

Mel gave her brother a withering glare, "Turn it off."

"Ahh... no!"

"Turn. It. Off. Right now!" Mel placed the cola down heavily on the coffee table and stormed towards Brad.

Shaking her head, Heather raised her hands in surrender and retreated to the leather recliner. She knew after all these years how much each Zimmerley sibling liked shit stirring the other. Right now, Bradley was pushing the envelope... especially after the 'telephone' incident at the station a few weeks earlier.

With the remote behind his back, Brad took a few steps back and smirked, "What's your problem, sis? It's just a  _song_."

"Turn it to another  _fucking_  song, Bradley!"

" _Non!_ "

"Do it! You know damn well know it's  _my_  wedding song and Kelly's  _not_  here to dance with me!"

The sound of an unsuspecting voice near the door broke the growing tensity between the Zimmerley siblings, "She is,  _femme_."

Melanie whirled around in shock, "Kel?!"

"May I have this dance, Melanie Patricia Genevieve Leonard?" Kelly approached, all rugged up in winter clothes and a grey knit cap with cat ears covering her short, spiky hair.

Mel stayed rooted exactly where she stood, "Y-you... y-you're here?!"

"Yeah, a little later than expected."

"What do you mean later?! You're away until May. You said you were in Guiuan when we last spoke just a few days ago."

Kelly shook her head, "No. I should've been home last week at Christmas, but this polar vortex that's hitting the Northeast states put those plans into disarray for me. I've been stuck in Boston the last few days _trying_  to get home before New Year. That's where I was when we last spoke, not Guiuan. A small yet necessary lie to surprise you."

"I-I'm  _not_  understanding. What are you  _doing_  here? You said you were away with MSF for 6 months!"

"No, babe.  _You_  assumed and said 6 months before I could correct you and say 6  _weeks_. You cut me off, and... we both know what was said next in the conversation, and what happened after that. I was only going to help set up and establish things with MSF... the minimum stint was 6 weeks. I honestly didn't think you'd react the way you did, but I didn't think of the consequences for rejoining MSF either. I guess you're wanting to ask right now: _'Why didn't you just tell me?'._  Mel, I know how you get when you're upset with  _me_  and I have to let you calm down in your own time... But you said those things and I was hurt just as much as you were that night. I thought if you assumed I was gone for 6 months, then I could really surprise you at 6 weeks, which was  _supposed_  to be Christmas. So as you can see, I'm a week late... and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. Patrick's dropping my luggage back to our house right now because he picked me up from Augusta airport. Bradley was  _supposed_  to pick me up, but he said he was on duty tonight and couldn't make it."

"Brad?" Mel was trying to comprehend what was being said. Surely this was all a dream?

Kelly explained, "Bradley's the one that drove me to Augusta General to join up with Andrea Smith; her ex-husband, Peter, and a few other nurses and so we could all get to Boston for immediate departure with MSF after Typhoon Haiyan hit. Andrea and Peter are both staying because they need OBGYN's over there. Bradley's the  _only_  one that's known since I left that I'd only be away for 6 weeks. I don't think he even told Heather."

"He didn't, that's for sure!" Heather confirmed, folding her arms in annoyance. "Bradley Zimmerley,  _I'm_  your wife! You're supposed to tell me these type of things!"

Melanie rounded on her brother and hissed, " _You knew_?!"

Brad gave his sister the biggest shit eating grin he could manage while he scooted around the long leather lounge suite, "Yep! I had to tell Dad so he could pick Kel up from the airport tonight, though. She texted me just a few moments ago to let me know she was outside to surprise you... Surprise!"

"YOU KNEW ALL THIS TIME?!" Mel screeched and launched after her brother. "I'll  _kill_  you!"

"Sis, I  _tried_  talking to you when you left for New York to visit Olivia and Alex, but you shut me down each time!"

"What a fucking bullshit excuse! I'm still going to kill you!"

Brad continued explaining as he scrambled around the lounge with Melanie in hot pursuit, "And I  _tried_  telling you when you mentioned night duty until May for me, but you cut me off again! You really are a bull headed Taurean, you know that!"

"BRADLEY JONATHON FREDERICK ZIMMERLEY! YOU. ARE. FUCKING. DEAD!"

"Save me, Heather!" Brad pleaded when he zipped past.

"Nuh-uh. This is between you Zimmerley siblings... Stanton's don't get involved," Heather said and welcomed Kelly home with a warm hug.

" _Honey_..." Melanie paused beside Kelly and smiled sweetly, "... Help me kill my  _shithead_  of a brother!"

"Sorry babe. I'm an honourary Stanton after being disowned, remember?" Kelly replied, ending the hug with Heather.

Mel took off after Bradley again, chasing him around then out of the entertainment room, down the hallway towards the bedrooms. " _Braddy-boy,_ I won't shoot you! Too much paperwork!... I'll wrap my autolock baton around your head instead! Night duty  _every_  night until May for real this time,  _then_  I'll fucking kill you! And I'll get away with killing you because _I'm_  the Sheriff!"

Finally trapped in Heather's craft room, Brad removed something from his duty jacket, spun around and held his hands up in surrender. "Sis, stop! STOP! Here... take Kelly on your cruise just like you planned."

The shaggy blonde folded her arms and sighed, recognising the envelope that held the cruise tickets, "I gave you and Heather those tickets. They're yours now."

"I had  _no_  intention of using them because I knew Kelly would be back in time for your honeymoon. I have, however, upgraded your suite. It's my way of apologising for not telling you about Kelly being away for only 6 weeks."

"That would've cost you a few dollars to upgrade."

"It did," Brad confirmed, not mentioning that he'd also added another surprise to the cruise. The Leonards would discover  _that_  little surprise when they boarded on January 18.

"Does Kel know about the cruise?"

"No, I never told her, so you can still surprise her tonight... or on her birthday. Also, take Kelly to New York to see Olivia and Alex before you go. You said that Olivia could deliver early and your cruise doesn't start until your wedding anniversary. Besides, I'm hoping on taking Heather away in about... March?"

"You'll have to discuss time off with your superior officer," Melanie took the cruise tickets and stowed them inside her duty jacket.

"I will... when Sheriff Leonard's back on duty  _after_  her wife's birthday in a few days time because I'm sure she'd want to reconnect with her wife after all this time away. Kel  _did_  say that you didn't have sex before she left, hence the big phone call tease after Alan's award ceremony. I knew how sexually frustrated you'd be! Now for  _fuck's_  sake, stop ripping me a new one and stop ignoring your wife in the entertainment room who you haven't physically touched in 7 weeks! Go home and make love to her... bring in the new year with a  _bang_!"

"Thankyou," Mel embraced Brad in gratitude, then swiftly placed him in a strong headlock. "You  _fucking_  little  _shit_ ,  _Braddy-boy_!"

"AARRGGHH!" Brad cried out as Mel's knuckles grinded firmly into his scalp for several seconds.

Melanie quickly let go and walked to the door, turned around to give Bradley an  _'I've got my eyes on you'_  gesture then headed back to the entertainment room. The Sheriff's breath hitched as she surreptitiously observed Kelly trying to avoid being licked on her face by  _Phalène_  while she sat on the leather lounge suite. Mel wondered if this was the same feeling Alex had when she finally saw Olivia for the first time after being rescued.

"This isn't a cruel dream, babe?" Melanie struggled to remain composed as stepped inside the entertainment room. Her emotions were all over the place, still unable to believe Kelly was here at this very moment.

Kelly placed  _Phalène_  down, stood up and closed the gap between them before she wrapped her arms around Melanie's neck, "No dream, babe. I'm home for good because I've retired from volunteering for MSF. I'm getting too old to go  _galavanting_  around the world... unless I have you by my side."

Melanie's hands kneaded Kelly's ass for moment before the Winthrop Sheriff hoisted the Emergency Doctor off the ground and up onto her hips, feeling Kel's legs wrap around her body for security and stability. Their lips tenderly came together for a loving kiss. It may have only been 7 weeks apart, however it definitely felt like 6 months for the Leonards. Their mouths began to slide together, their tongues touching and probing to reaffirm their long standing love. Struggling not to get too caught up in the moment, they reluctantly ended their kiss and rested their forehead together to relish in the fact they were reunited.

" _Je t'aime à la folie_ ," Kelly said, her lips brushing the shell of her wife's ear as she hugged the shaggy blonde fiercely. A basic translation would be: 'I love you madly'

Mel responded with the only words that were suitable, " _Folie à deux_." A madness shared by 2.

Kelly cringed, "Honey, your Maine accent is butchering your  _Français_."

" _Soyez silencieux, Madame Bilingue_!" muttered the Sheriff.

" _Baise-moi_!" the salt and pepper haired woman said huskily, gently biting Mel's earlobe. " _Dépêchez-vous_!"

With Kelly still clinging to her body, Mel hastily turned to face Heather and Brad, "Umm... so we're gonna go home and umm..."

Heather waved the women away, "Go. Leave  _Phalène_  here for the night though. I think Jackie'll like that and it might soften the blow of not seeing her Aunty Kelly tonight."

"Make it the next few days. I think  _Phalène_  might be ignored or forgotten with all the catching up Mel and Kelly will be doing!" Brad retorted, receiving a whack to his bicep from Heather as Mel carried Kelly out the entertainment room and towards the front door of the Zimmerley house.

"Happy New Year, honey!" Kelly whispered as Mel placed her wife back on the ground beside their car and unlocked the doors.

Melanie ran around to the driver's side, "It will be! Now get the revolving dash light, babe!"

* * *

"10... 9... 8... 7... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!"

With snow, confetti and ticker tape falling around them in Times Square, an embracing Vanessa and Alan smiled at each other then kissed.

"Are you alright?" the rookie asked, sensing the red head's disappointment after breaking apart. Their kiss had been no different from the ones they had shared since their first kiss in the fire tower.

"Umm..." Vanessa looked down at her hands and gave a shrug, "I guess I imagined us kissing... a little longer. It's New Year after all."

Alan brushed a hand over his curly hair to get rid of some of the ticker tape, "I did too. I just... I don't want you to be scared or cause you a flashback."

Vanessa looked up at Alan, "Are you going to try and  _force_ your tongue into my mouth?"

"No."

"I don't want you to force your tongue inside my mouth.  _He_  did that... too many times."

"I'd never do something like that to you."

"I think I might be alright if your tongue happened to... slip... inside my mouth for a few moments though." Vanessa covered her face with her hand in embarrassment, "Oh god, I'm a 30 year old woman negotiating how I should be kissed by my... " Vanessa stopped herself. What the heck was she and Alan? Boyfriend and girlfriend? Too childish. Significant others? They hadn't known each other  _that_ long. Lovers?  _That_  was a long way off.

"Vanessa, you can negotiate how you should be kiss by your..." Alan gently moved Vanessa's hands away from her face, "...  _special someone_ , who cares deeply for you. How about you take the lead and kiss me how you'd like to be kissed for the New Year? Just so I know for future reference."

"My  _special someone_?"

"I don't know what else to call  _us_. We can keep up the  _just friends_ , but..." Alan trailed off.

"I like that.  _Special someone_  sounds right for  _us_ ," Vanessa confirmed with a shy smile.

"So... about that kiss?" Alan prompted with a dimpled grin.

Cradling his baby faced cheeks, Vanessa waited until Alan closed his eyes before kissing him. Vanessa smiled into the kiss when Alan inhaled sharply through his nose. Her tongue had just made contact with his for the first time.

"Maybe kind of like that?" the red head suggested at the end of their kiss.

The rookie exhaled, "I don't think I'll ever forget  _that_."

"That's a pity."

"Why?"

Vanessa gave a cheeky grin, "I won't be able to give you a refresher course then."

"You know what? I think I've forgotten already. Care to remind me?"

Just before Vanessa's lips were about to touch his, Alan whispered, "Happy New Year!"

"It is now!" Vanessa replied with a wide smile and closed the gap between them.

* * *

Lying side by side on top of Rafael's bed, Doom and Barba looked away from ' _New Year's Eve Live with Anderson Cooper'_  on CNN and shared a kiss. Doom had taken personal leave since Gloria's death but would be returning to SVU on January 6, just 3 days after Olivia was set to take maternity leave.

Joe said cautiously, "I hope I say this right, Rafi.  _Feliz Año Nuevo... ...Te quiero_."

There. He'd said it. He'd finally said it. He'd never said to anyone else before, Rafael Barba wasn't anyone. The Cuban had been there with him through the 2 most heartbreaking times of his life, and Joe Dumas wanted Rafael to know how much he meant to the SVU detective.

" _Te quiero?_ " Rafael reiterated.

Doom nodded.

Rafael's face fell slightly, "I was hoping you'd say _'Te amo'_. I would say _'Te amo'_  to you."

"What's that?"

"I love you."

Joe blew out a breath in frustration, "The internet translation site said that's what _'Te quiero'_  was!"

"There's different ways to say I love you in Spanish, Joe."

"And I said the wrong one," Joe muttered in disappointment.

Barba explained, "I would say _'Te quiero'_  moreso to my family and friends. I'd reserve _'Te amo_ ' for that someone special... like you."

"You love me?"

" _Te amo,_ Joseph." Rafael confirmed with a brief kiss, " _Te amo_."

" _Te amo,_  Rafi."

Barba rolled away, opened the bedside drawer, fished out a condom and a small bottle of lubricant. He placed them on the bedside table before throwing his own trouser clad leg over and straddling Joe's jean clad thigh. " _Feliz Año Nuevo_!"

"It is now..." Doom grinned before snapping Rafael's elastic pants braces against the Cuban's bare chest, "... Glitter tits!"

* * *

Olivia carefully extracted herself from Alex's embrace on the lounge and head towards the bathroom. She couldn't help but laugh lightly seeing Papi running and baring her teeth in her sleep as she passed by. Alan and Vanessa would still be some time before they returned to the apartment from Times Square. She had wanted to propose to Alex at exactly midnight, but had fallen asleep flicking between ' _New Year's Eve Live with Anderson Cooper'_ and _'Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve'._  With Doom on personal leave, Olivia had been doing more at SVU to help pick up the slack that she could seeing she'd be taking maternity leave in just a few days. She was supposed to have had New Year's Eve off, as per Cragen's 'orders' when she rejoined SVU, but had worked most of the day with 2 soft interviews and copious amounts of paperwork for the other detectives.

Having used the bathroom, Olivia sat at the office desk to retrieve the novelty rose stem jewellery box. She had hidden the rose stem and the actual ring in 2 different parts of the apartment... just in case. She shifted the large envelope Doom had handed her as she dug for the rose, remembering back to Christmas Day...

_Alex and Olivia had unwrapped Gloria's gift about 10 minutes after Joe and Rafael's arrival. It contained a large hand knitted blanket, wrapped around a framed photograph of Brian in his dress uniform graduating the NYPD Academy; and christening gown. Doom explained that Gloria knew that neither Olivia and Alex were religious, but she wanted Olivia to have their christening gown... and by 'theirs', Gloria had meant Brian and Joe's. The possibility of a naming ceremony for Oey had been mentioned by Alex and Olivia during Thanksgiving dinner when all 6 special aunts and uncles could get together again, of course. Now with the christening gown, the naming ceremony was more likely than not._

_After Vanessa and Alan departed around 4pm, Olivia went and retrieved the envelope from the office._

_"So, what's this?" Olivia indicated the yellow document envelope, sitting down beside Alex on the lounge suite._

_On the lounge opposite, Joe moved his hand from Rafael's knee, shifted forward and clasped his hands together. "Inside that envelope, there's 2 other envelopes. Can you open the white envelope first?"_

_Olivia unwound the string holding the document envelope closed, reached in and removed 2 envelopes. One white, one yellow. She opened the white envelope and began reading._

_"What is it?" Alex asked, looking over._

_Liv passed the documents to Alex, "Joe's going to open a trust fund for Oey when she's born."_

_Doom explained, "Bri left me all of his money and assets in his will. I haven't touched any of Bri's money since the will was formally read, but I did sell his apartment in Brooklyn. I think Oey should have the money for when she's older."_

_Alex scanned the papers, "You didn't need to do that, Joe."_

_Joe shrugged, "Probably not, but I feel it's the right thing to do for my niece. I think Bri and Mom would want me to do it too. You ladies are going to have enough costs with raising a child in this day and age, it's the least I can do. Oey will have partial access when she turns 18, but won't be able to have full access it until she turns 25 though."_

_"What's the other envelope?" Olivia broke the long silence that had descended over the group. No words right now could even come close to expressing her or Alex's gratitude._

_"Mom and Bri dying has made me think a lot about mortality and how precious life is..." Doom took a deep breath before continuing as Alex opened the other envelope and began reading, "... I've made a deposit at the sperm bank that you can access if you ladies would like to have a child biologically similar to Oey in the future. You don't have to use it if you don't want to, and I don't want to presume that you'll want to either... but just know it's there if you do consider having another child or even children in the future. I'd hate for something unexpected happen to me like what happened to Mom and Bri, and extraction of sperm isn't an option... if that's what you might want to consider."_

_Alex and Olivia each shared similar looks of stunned silence again as they began to truly comprehend what Joe Dumas had done for them..._

Olivia's hand found the rose stem at the back of the drawer. They hadn't discussed any other children. Heck, they were still getting used to the idea of being mothers to  _Oey_. But neither women could deny the generosity of Doom. Maybe one day in the future they'd talk about the possibility of other children, but at this moment in time, neither woman felt comfortable broaching the subject. Liv exited the office and peered down the hall. She saw Alex lazily stretching her hands above her head before she heard the blonde yawn loudly. Olivia entered the spare room and rummaged in her hospital bag. She had hidden the ring in one of the internal pockets with the knowledge Alex wouldn't dare touch the bag after repacking it yet again. Liv opened the box and removed the ring before placing the ring inside the rose stem box and snapping it closed.

The SVU detective returned to see Alex making a cup of coffee and a cup of cocoa in the kitchen. Vanessa and Alan were going to sleep in the guest bedroom instead of trying to return to Hackensack when they eventually returned from Times Square. Olivia sat down and waited, steeling herself for what she was about to do. She may have seemed calm, but she was anything but. Her heart was pounding and her mouth was parched, but there was no turning back.

Tonight was the night.

"Don't sit down," Liv said when Alex placed the cups on the coffee table.

"Why?"

"Alexandra..." Olivia paused when she heard Alex gasp. The brunette rarely called the ADA by her full first name, much preferring the shorter form, but addressing Alex with her full name seemed appropriate. It also had the desired effect to catch the blonde's attention, "... I don't want you to sit down because me sitting down is the closest I can get to getting down on bended knee for this."

"You're proposing?" Alex breathed.

"I can't wait any longer, and I'm probably going to ramble on, but just bare with me." Olivia took Alex's left hand in both of her own, "Alexandra... growing up, my mother liked to tell me in her drunken stupors that noone would love me or want me because of how I was conceived, and for a long time I believed her... and same sex marriage was just a distant dream that I never thought would become a reality... But I don't think my mother ever imagined me falling in love with a woman... and to be honest, even though I identify as bisexual, I didn't think I would either. That was until I met  _you_... We've known each other since September 2000, and we have been in and out of each others lives since... sometimes through no fault of our own because we were just doing our jobs. For a time I thought you were dead, and I know that for some time you didn't know if I was alive or not... Even though I was with Nessa in that cellar, it was thoughts and memories of  _you_  that kept me going... I can't tell you amount of times Nessa teased me for being chicken shit for not telling you how much I love  _you_  for all the time I've known you... but I am  _so_  grateful Mel and Alan found us because I finally got to tell you that I love _you_... Alex,  _you_  are my everything. Being with you has made me realise that _you're_  that someone who loves me for me,  _you're_  that someone that understand me,  _you're_  that someone that makes me feel whole... noone else had made me feel like that before, but  _you_  do. I can't imagine my life without you in it, and I don't want to imagine my future without you... Waking up beside you every morning, you make me feel like the luckiest woman in the world...  _You_  make my heart soar,  _you_  make my stomach do flips... and I don't know if I should include that  _you_  make me aroused very easily, but I just did... I want to introduce you to people as not only the Mama of our daughter,  _Oey_... and perhaps maybe even other children in the future, but also as my wife... Alexandra Cabot, will you marry me?"

Olivia removed the rose stem hidden within her thick cardigan, opened the box and presented it to Alex. The ADA's hand shot up and covered her mouth when she saw the ring, tears shining in her eyes hidden behind her black frames.

Alex finally spoke, "I'll accept your proposal on... 2 conditions."

Liv tilted her head, "Your negotiating my proposal?"

"Absolutely."

"Such a lawyer. Alright, what are the conditions, Counsellor?"

"I get to be Alex Cabot-Benson, but still remain Alex Cabot for work purposes only."

"If you're negotiating, so am I."

"Fair enough."

"I'll accept that condition on the proviso that I get to be Olivia Cabot-Benson in our private life, but still remain Olivia Benson for work."

"Done!" Alex gave Olivia a toothy smile.

"What's the other condition for you accepting my proposal?"

Alex sat down, removed something from the pocket of her cardigan before she held out a velvet opened ring box in the palm of her hand, "You marry me?"

Olivia's jaw dropped in surprise. It was almost exactly the same ring as the one she had purchased for Alex except the centre stone was oval cut and a little larger, whereas Alex's was round cut.

"You said I had until my last day at SVU before you'd propose to me!" Liv tried blinking away her growing tears.

Alex shrugged, "Like you said, I couldn't wait any longer to propose either."

**_Listen to the music of the moment people, dance and sing,_**  
**_We're just one big family,_**  
**_And it's our God-forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved, loved._**  
**_So I won't hesitate no more, no more,_**  
**_It cannot wait, I'm sure._**  
**_There's no need to complicate, our time is short,_**  
**_This is our fate, I'm yours._ ~ Jason Mraz (I'm Yours)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mel and Kelly are going to "hog the spotlight" for a sizable chunk of next chapter, but I have a feeling that readers probably won't complain about that too much ;-)


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not at all sorry for the M rated Sheriff/Doctor interaction in this chapter ;-)

"I think I need a doctor!"

Kelly turned around and removed her grey knit cap with cat ears as Melanie hastily locked the front door, "Mel, I  _love_  you and I'm just as horny as you are. But if you start singing the  _'Witch Doctor'_  song, you can sleep with your own hand tonight and not  _me_."

" _Ooh-Eee Ooh-Ahh_... oh," Mel pouted, now guiding Kelly backwards towards the master bedroom.

"Yeah,  _oh_. I'm not tipsy enough for that tonight and neither are you. And don't even think of starting to sing ' _Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch me_ ' either."

Mel pondered for a while before saying in a mock dramatic tone, "I still think I need a doctor. I have unexplained symptoms that need diagosing by a  _professional_."

"You want us to 'play doctor'?"

"It's been a  _long_  time, babe. And you know we have the best sex when we play one of our games...  _especially_  role playing!" Mel waggled her eyebrows in encouragement as she fumbled to open the bedroom door, "C'mon, you know you want to!"

Kelly deflected just to tease when the door finally opened, "I thought you'd want your Christmas present, albeit belated."

"Aren't you the one that said, and I quote:  _'Fuck me! Hurry up!'_ , just a little earlier? And I know for a fact that when  _you_  say _baise-moi_ , that means we fuck."

"Don't be so  _crass_!" Kelly pinched Mel's ass, causing the Sheriff to yelp. "I would  _never_  use such  _vulgar_  language."

"Like hell you wouldn't talk dirty, Kelly Josephine Leonard!" Melanie muttered before correcting, "Make love then?"

"Better. So, make love or presents?"

"As much as I'd like to give and get Christmas presents even though it's New Year, I say  _playtime_  now...  _Doctor,_ " Mel said, her husky tone not hiding her growing desire as she unzipped Kelly's thick coat.

"As long as we get to play 'Law Enforcement Officer and belligerent ex-con', or 'Law Enforcement Officer and caught-in-the-act thief' a little later on."

Mel raked her eyes over Kelly's ample cleavage, "I prefer 'caught-in-the-act thief' because I'll get to pat you down and use the black fluffy handcuffs, babe."

"Lucky me! On the bed then. I'll be back in a few minutes," Kelly gave Mel a tiny peck on the lips before disappearing into the ensuite.

Kelly stripped out of all her clothing and underwear, replacing it with only her white fluffy robe that was hanging off the back of the door. She knew Melanie would appreciate the 'look' after 7 weeks away because she only ever wore her white lab coat while performing morning and evening rounds of her patients at the Winthrop Medical Centre. The salt and pepper haired woman figured she could go and get her stethoscope from her leather medical bag to really complete the 'look', but her medical bag was near the front door, and that was too far away right now. After cinching the robe belt at her waist, she washed and dried her hands thoroughly before reentering the bedroom. Mel was sitting on the end of the bed, one leg crossed over the other and jiggling impatiently, her sturdy Sheriff boots now removed and her arms folded across her torso.

The spiky haired woman approached, "Hello, my name is Doctor...  _Cuddy_. What seems to be the problem, Ms... I'm sorry, my nurse didn't tell me your name."

"I'm Gertrude Stein."

Unimpressed, Kelly folded her arms, " _Gertrude Stein_? Really, Mel? _That's_  what you come up with?"

"Ellen DeGeneres?... No?... Portia de Rossi?... kd Lang?... Jane Lynch?... Margarethe Cammermeyer?"

"Are you just going to keep name every well known lesbian you can think of right now?"

"I guess Sappho isn't good enough either?" Mel sighed.

"Sorry, honey."

"Alright, alright. I'll think of a fake name! My name is..." Mel thought for a few seconds while staring into the green eyes watching her intently, "...  _Lesley_."

" _Lesley_?" Kelly repeated.

"Yes. My name is Ms Lesley B Anne. Although I prefer Les for short."

Kelly snorted, "Les B Anne?"

"That's right,  _Doctor Cuddy_."

"Ok, ok, Ms Les B Anne. What seems to be the problem that made you come and seek medical help?"

"I have varying symptoms and no doctor has been able to diagnose them. You're my last resort."

"And those sypmtoms are?"

"So vast! I've had faintness, nervousness,  _sexual_  desire..." Mel grinned lecherously before continuing, "... insomnia, fluid retention, and a heaviness in my abdomen."

"Anything else?"

"Oh yes! Also muscle spasms, shortness of breath, irritability, loss of appetite, and..." Melanie shifted her bare foot that was crossed over her leg and rubbed it against Kelly's exposed calf, "...  _'a tendency to cause trouble'_... so I've been told."

"I must say, that is a  _lot_  of symptoms."

Melanie suddenly clutched at her heart and pretended to sob, "I've also been told I can be hysterical sometimes!"

"Who's told you that? Your  _husband_?" Kelly asked.

"I don't have a husband," Mel shook her head.

" _Boyfriend_  then?"

"I don't have one of  _those_  either."

"Well, Ms Les B Anne... I have an idea of what you  _may_  be suffering from, but I do have some more questions I need to ask to make sure my diagnosis is correct."

"Go ahead."

"You say you _don't_  have a husband, or a boyfriend."

"That's correct."

"So there are  _no_  male suitors or companions in your personal life... _at all_?"

" _None_  whatsoever."

"Forgive me if I'm being intrusive, but do you have a wife?"

Mel's eyes widened in mock horror.

Kelly smiled kindly, "I'll remind you that anything you say will be protected under Doctor/Patient privilege."

Melanie stayed silent for some time before shaking her head, "No, no wife."

"A girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"No female suitors or companions whatsoever?"

Mel sighed dramatically, "Sadly no... but I must admit I  _do_  prefer the company of females."

Kelly placed her hands on Mel's knees and leant intimately closer, "When was the last time you were able to partake in...  _sexual_  intimacy?"

"Doctor Cuddy! I  _can't_  believe you just asked  _that_! Of all the things to ask me,  _a lonely single woman,_  in my  _very_  vulnerable, impressionable and delicate situation! You should be ashamed of yourself!"

Kelly smirked, "Well  _that_  reaction just helped with my diagnosis even more."

"Really?!"

"Ms Les B Anne, I believe you could possibly be suffering from female hysteria."

"Female hysteria?! That sounds  _horrible_. Is it deadly or contagious?"

"Not deadly or contagious, but it is a managable condition with  _regular_  treatment."

Melanie asked innocently, "So I just need to take some pills or require a prescription for some medicine then, Doctor?"

"Unfortunately no. However, if it is female hysteria, I can start treatment immediately if you'd like."

"How?"

"Well, if you'd just change out of the clothes you're currently wearing and into the robe that's hanging on the back of the door over there, we can get started."

"All of my clothes?"

"That's correct. While you're doing that, I'll get my  _medical_  equipment prepared if my diagnosis of female hysteria is confirmed."

Standing up, Melanie looked Kelly up and down seductively before pursing her lips together in flirtation before she entered the ensuite.

Kelly opened the drawer of the bedside cabinet and removed their non phallic slender purple silicone vibrator and strapless non phallic blue silicone strap on dildo. The Leonards had had numerous toys over the years of their relationship, but these were the toys they preferred nowadays. In the beginning, finding toys that didn't resemble male anatomy had been few and far between for both Melanie and Kelly's liking. Both were thankful for today's styles and varieties now catered for those that preferred less anatomically correct masculine sex toys. While making sure the vibrator was fully charged, she also removed the small bottle of water based lubricant from the drawer for herself, just in case. Even though she had years of medical training and knowledge, it had taken Kelly Leonard some time to accept that her body needed assistance after her partial hysterectomy. Like as if she wasn't a 'real' woman any longer. She knew that the chances of David surviving were slim when she arrived at the hospital all those years ago. However, to be told that not only had their son not survived but she had also undergone a partial hysterectomy to save her own life,  _that_  had been hard to accept. These days, using lubricant was just another part of penetrative sex with her wife. She placed the vibrator in one pocket of her robe, the strapless strap on dildo in the other, then placed the lubricant on top of the bedside cabinet along with their Joque harness for the both of them. Mel sometimes used the harness, but Kel always did to hold the strapless dildo securely in place.

After stripping out of all of her clothes and putting her satin robe, Melanie opened the door just enough to see Kelly sitting on the end of the bed waiting her imminent return. The shaggy blonde waited until Kelly focused on the door, then stuck her bare leg out to tease.

" _Coquette_!" Kelly groaned.

Mel sauntered towards Kelly, "Did you just say I'm a  _flirt_ in  _French_ , Doctor Cuddy?"

"Perhaps."

"I like French women."

"That's a shame because I'm not actually French," Kelly patted the bed, inviting Melanie to sit down beside to the right of her.

"You're  _not_?" Mel sat down and crossed her left leg over her right, exposing all of her leg and most of her thigh in the process.

"No. I do, however, have  _ascendance Française_."

"French ancestry. How intriguing! Tell me more about  _yourself_."

"How about I continue my diagnosis?"

Mel batted her eyelids as Kelly stood up and in front of her, "I'd prefer you do both. Can you multitask? I bet you can do a lot with your  _hands_  and your  _mouth_ at the same time."

Kelly struggled to ignore her wife's innuendo, "Look up."

"Doctor, you have  _beautiful_  green eyes. Has any  _woman_  ever told you that?"

"Look down."

Mel tugged on the robe that crossed over at Kelly's cleavage with both her hands to get a better look, "I am and I like what I see! I'd  _love_  to see more of them though."

Trying to stay in 'character', Kelly gently took Melanie's hands in her own to keep them from wandering, "Open wide and say 'ahhh' for me, please."

As the Sheriff once again rubbed her foot against Kelly's exposed calf, she stuck her tongue out and waggled it suggestively without making any noise, leaving the Doctor no room for misinterpretation.

"Yes, a classic case of female hysteria."

"Are you sure?" Melanie asked as Kelly sat back down beside her, placing her hand on Mel's exposed knee.

"Yes," Kelly nodded, her hand inching torturously slow up Mel's thigh. "I know the symptoms all  _too_  well, Ms Les B Anne. I suffer from that condition myself."

"You do?"

"That's correct. As I said earlier, there is only treatment for female hysteria... and that treatment is pelvic massage resulting in hysterical paroxysm."

"And what, may I ask, is hysterical proxy-whatevers?"

"Hysterical paroxysm means orgasms. The more treatments you have, the more orgasms you have, the better for your personal wellbeing."

"And how will  _you_  treat  _my_  symptoms, Doctor?"

Reluctantly moving her hand from her wife's thigh, Kelly removed the vibrator from one of her pockets, "I could treat you with  _this_  personal massage device. However, I believe it could be mutually beneficial to treat each other..." she removed the strapless strap on dildo and held it at the juncture of the shaft and bulb, "... with  _this_  medical aide."

"Yes," Mel purred, plucking the blue dildo from Kelly's grasp. "We should definitely use this. I like your way of thinking."

Kelly leant closer and lowered her voice, "But it would be  _highly_  unethical. There might be a possibility I could lose my medical license if someone was to find out  _I_  used this on  _you_  to treat my own condition."

"Doctor, what if  _I_  was to use this medical aide on  _you_  to treat this... female hysteria we both suffer?"

"I don't  _think_  there would be any ramifications regarding my medical license, but  _noone_  must  _ever_  know."

"I won't tell if you won't," Mel said, her lips pausing oh so close from Kelly's.

"My lips are sealed."

"With a kiss?"

"If you insist,  _coquette_."

In one swift move with the dildo still in her grasp, Melanie had pinned the salt and pepper haired doctor to the bed, her thigh between Kelly's legs and claiming her wife's mouth passionately. The wives struggled to untie their robes, both desperate to feel skin on skin contact after their time apart, each needing that comforting reassurance that their relationship hadn't suffered irreversible damage because of what had been said in anger and fear.

Ending their kiss, Mel removed her robe completely, then teased the head of the dildo between Kelly's breasts and down her torso before Mel's mouth followed the same trail ending with a shower of delicate kisses to Kelly's hysterectomy scar. The Sheriff knew her wife was desperate to move her mouth lower, allowing a long open mouthed kiss to Kel's bare folds. The shaggy blonde kissed her way back up the doctor's body before lavishing attention on each ample breast and nipple while grinding her thigh against Kelly's centre, and her own centre against Kelly's thigh. The mutual pleasuring continued, along with several desperate kisses, until Melanie could feel her arousal slicking on her wife's thigh.

Melanie grabbed the bottle of lubricant and placed it on the bed beside her, "I missed your boobs so much, babe! And I missed your moles!"

Kelly didn't hide her confusion, "My  _moles_?!"

"Your little moles below your boobs. Here... and here," Mel sat back on her heels, indicating about 5 inches below each of Kelly's breasts on the doctor's naked body with the dildo.

"They're not moles," Kelly snorted, feeling Mel's centre grind against her thigh again.

"Ah, yeah they are."

"No, they're  _not_."

"They've been there ever since I've known you Kel!"

"Melanie, they've been there since I was  _born_ , and who's the one with the medical degree to know that they're  _not_  moles?"

"Well, what fancy medical term are your _not moles,_ Doctor  _Leonard_. Lesions? Freckles? Beauty marks?"

"Polythelia."

"Stupid technical medical terminology for moles, I bet."

"Honey, polythelia means they're supernumerary nipples."

It took Mel a few moments to comprehend what Kelly had just said and responded with the only word she could think of: "What?!"

"That there's a 3rd nipple..." Kelly indicated with each index finger on each side of her body,"... and that's a 4th nipple."

"Nipples?"

"Yes. They look like little moles, but they're are not moles because they're supernumerary nipples. I thought you knew after all these years what they were seeing they're directly in line and under my breasts and that's why you always kissed them!"

" _You're_  the one with the medical degree, not me! I just always thought they were cute little  _moles_  that happened to be under your breasts and that's why I kiss them! Oh my god, my wife's a cow."

"Thanks for making me feel  _extra_  special right now,  _femme_!" Kelly retorted as she reached up and tugged the trim blonde curls hairs of Melanie's landing strip in chastisement. "Do you still love me even though I'm a 1 in 50 females  _freak_?"

"Yes, I still love you, and you're  _not_  a freak to me. Now, I want you to refresh my memory how much of a freak you are in the bedroom!"

"You and me both," the spiky haired doctor replied, watching intently as Mel slid the bulb end of the dildo through her wet folds to thoroughly coat it before the bulb end slowly disappeared within the Sheriff.

Melanie squeezed a generous amount of lubricant into her hand, coating the blue shaft with deliberate strokes, fully content in the knowledge of just how much that turned the doctor on. When Melanie saw Kel spread her legs open more after a time, she squeezed some more lubricant into her hand, then some onto the slit of her wife. She placed the bottle back on the bedside cabinet before slipping her lubricated hand between Kelly's folds. The Sheriff could hear the noises of pleasure Kelly was making as she distributed the lubricant thoroughly before slipping her middle 2 fingers inside Kel's core. Paying particular attention to Kelly's bundle of nerves with deliberate circles, Mel claimed her wife's mouth in searing kiss.

All too soon for Kelly liking, Melanie ended the kiss, pulled back and removed her fingers from within. Mel coated the dildo shaft with the remaining lubricant on her hand, wiping the excess on the towelling robe still beneath Kelly. Shifting her position closer, Mel pressed the head of the dildo to Kelly's opening, taking her time to slowly work the toy inside, allowing the doctor time time to adjust to the fullness. Kelly hooked her free leg around Mel to draw her in bodily closer so that Mel was laying on top on her, and the toy buried inside herself entirely.

" _Baise-moi_!" Kelly encouraged after yet another hungry kiss with Melanie.

The Sheriff didn't need to be told again.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Vanessa asked as she observed Olivia and Alex holding a cellphone above their hands at the dining table.

Olivia explained, "Taking a picture of our engagement rings. We're going to send it to Mel to get her reaction seeing you and Alan are the only ones that know we're officially engaged... and have been engaged for about the last... 6 and a half hours."

"We should send Melanie one of us all together here in the apartment," Alan called out from the kitchen as he dished up breakfast for all them.

"Why?" Alex questioned.

"Because she's still under the assumption that Vanessa and I are in Ohio for the holidays. I think it could add to the New Year cheer by surprising her some more."

"I like that idea!" Vanessa said before suggesting to the rookie, "Maybe we could tell Mel that we're... you know... together?"

"I think Mel would back off the teasing if you finally admit that you not only like each other but are together," Olivia offered. "Alex and I have since you did on Christmas Day, haven't we?"

Alan placed Olivia and Alex's respective bowls in front of them, "That's true, but you and Alex were never as relentless as Melanie."

"We only ever did it because we care," Olivia called out as she ate the apple, raisin and cinnamon oatmeal.

"What do you think?" Vanessa prompted when Alan returned with their bowls of oatmeal.

Sitting down, Alan gave Vanessa a dimpled smile, "I think I have an idea."

* * *

The sound of an incoming text to Mel's cell phone interrupted Kelly and Melanie's blissful slumber, having finally exhausted themselves around 3 hours earlier.

Then another.

And another.

And one more.

"If that's Brad, I swear he'll never work a day shift again!" Mel muttered, her eyes still shut and pressed up against Kelly's back.

Bleary eyed, Kelly fumbled for the cell phone on the bedside cabinet. She swiped and tapped the screen until she opened the first message, "No babe. Vanessa has send a photo of a piece of paper that reads 'Happy 2014!"

"That's nice. Is that all?"

Kelly opened the next text, "Haha! Snow White and Mopey are in New York with Liv and Alex."

"What?" Mel looked over Kelly's shoulder.

"Alex sent a photo of them in Alex and Olivia's apartment. See!"

All 4 were in the selfie picture holding the 'Happy 2014!' piece of paper.

"That little shit! He said they were going to Ohio!" Mel muttered.

Kelly shrugged, "Change of plan perhaps?"

"Or the original plan. What else?"

"This one's from Liv... ...Oh my god! Alex and Olivia got engaged!"

"What?" Mel looked at the photo of Olivia and Alex's combined left hands showing off their engagement rings with the text _'We're engaged!'._ "I told you Olivia was going to propose because I saw the ring she picked out. I didn't know when she'd propose though, and I didn't know Alex had bought a ring for Liv."

Kelly proceeded to open the final text from Alan, "Not only are Alan and Vanessa in New York, they're finally admitting they really like each other."

"WHAT?!"

The picture was of Alan and Vanessa facing each other with their puckered lips just touching. The text message left no room for doubt,  _'We're together!'_.

Mel grabbed the phone and dialled Olivia's number on skype, "Honey, I think we should respond with a little surprise of our  _own_ , don't you?"

* * *

"Hey! Happy New Year!" Olivia held the phone out in front of her so Alex, Alan and Vanessa were all in view. "Oh, Mel... you look like you haven't had much sleep... and you're still in bed."

 _"Nope, not much sleep, and yes, still in bed. Been a little...busy. It can get a little... wild... in Winthrop on New Years, being on call and everything"_  Mel yawned.  _"However, I thought I'd respond to your texts directly. Congratulations to both couples! Those texts were wonderful surprises to wake up to."_

"Thankyou," Alex, Olivia, Vanessa and Alan all said at the same time.

Alan added, "What, no Mopey or Snow White comments?"

_"No. Do you want me to? I can if you want!"_

"No, it's fine. Just... we're taking things slowly, alright?"

_"You don't have to seek my approval for your... budding relationship."_

"We weren't! Just back off with all the teasing, and little comments."

 _"No more teasing or comments,"_  Mel said before she singsonged,  _"Aww! My little rookie has a girl-friend!"_

"Hey!" Vanessa snapped.

_"I just had to! Ok, no more now, I promise! Liv and Alex, I know we haven't made any firm dates as to when I come to New York this month, but can I bring a friend when I come?"_

Alex replied, "If it's _Phalène_ , we don't mind."

 _"No, it's Kelly..."_  Mel said and turned the phone to show the salt and pepper haired women in bed beside her, waving at the screen.  _"... OH SHIT! Liv's just dropped her phone!"_

* * *

"I can't believe you have to go back to Winthrop already," Vanessa lamented, secretly hoping that Alan's flight would be delayed or cancelled due to the weather as they waited sitting side by side at Gate 7.

"I'll be back down to see you as soon as I can with Papi, and I know you'll come up and see me as soon as you can. We'll definitely spend Easter together next-... I mean  _this_  year. Gotta get used to calling it 2014 now. Don't forget, Olivia suggested that you should come back to Winthrop when she and Alex come up in May too."

"I know and I will come up to Winthrop once Liv's finalsed the date. It's just..." the red head sighed, "... it'll be  _different_  now."

"Different how?"

"You'll be working up there... and I've got to see if I can get a job with the ACLU in Manhattan!"

"So? Why are you worried?"

Vanessa mumbled quietly after a long pause, "They say long distance relationships are difficult to maintain."

" _Who_  says?"

"People in long distance relationships."

"How will our relationship be any different than what we've already been doing since we've known each other?"

Vanessa sighed again with a shrug of her shoulders.

Alan interlaced his fingers with Vanessa's, "The thing is, most people in long distance relationships have  _never_  been apart from each other before. They struggle to maintain what they've been  _used_  to in their relationship and _that's_  why they find it difficult. But you and me... we've already been doing the long distance part, even though neither of us would admit to it anyone, not even ourselves. Now, if we want to maintain what we have already, we'll put in the effort like we have been. So I don't know about you, but I'll still answer every email and text you send to me, and every skype and telephone call you make to me... even if those phone calls happen at around 3 in the morning."

"You're right," Vanessa gave Alan a smile. "It won't be any different than before. You and me are going to make this work."

It was 5 minutes later when the dreaded words were heard over the speaker.

_"Flight 812 Newark to Augusta is now ready to board at Gate 7. Please have your tickets ready to present to the boarding staff."_

"Here," Alan handed Vanessa an envelope after getting his boarding pass from his (once again) swapped over duty jacket. "Don't open it until after my plane takes off."

"What is it?"

"Just a little something I want you to know. It's in Latin, so I hope I haven't messed up the translation."

"Ok."

"I'll let you know as soon as Papi and I land in Augusta," Alan said before kissing Vanessa long and softly as they wrapped their arms around each other for their goodbye. Papi whined her sadness when Vanessa said farewell to the little Papillon and Alan headed for the gate. He turned and gave Vanessa a final wave before disappearing from sight.

As promised, Vanessa stayed until the plane taxied to the runway and took off before she opened the envelope. Inside was another handmade card with a quilled butterfly on the front. She opened the card and read:

 _'Ama me fideliter, Fidem meam toto,_  
_Decorde totaliter, Et ex mente tota,_  
_Sum presentialiter, Absens in remota.'_

Vanessa gasped at the old Latin saying. She knew the translation well.

'Love me faithfully, See how I am faithful,  
With all my heart and all my soul,  
I am with you, even though I am far away.'

* * *

Olivia struggled to maintain focused on the current DD5 in her hand. The bare calf, knee and a hint of thigh just a few inches to her left were tantalising distracting. It was even more so when the black Christian Louboutin pump began rhythmically swinging on and off of Alex's foot.

Liv scanned the immediate area while pretending to reread what was on the paperwork in her grasp. There were uniformed officers scurrying about like normal on the 6th floor, but thankfully, there weren't as many seeing it was early afternoon on January 3 and snowing. Fin and Amanda were in the interview room with their suspected serial rapist; Cragen and Barba were watching proceedings from the other side of the 2 way mirror; Munch and Amaro were somewhere between the 16th Precinct and the Upper East Side returning from a possible lead regarding a rape/murder that occurred on New Years Eve or New Years Day they had begun investigating; Doom was still on personal leave; and there was still another hour of Liv's final shift before she took maternity leave. To top it all off, neither Olivia or Fin had found out their results from the Sergeants exam yet.

"I'd like us to have a romantic dinner date tonight," Alex said, her focus remaining on the completed paperwork in her hand.

"My feet and ankles are swollen," Olivia responded, her eyes following the curve of Alex's calf for the umpteenth time. The temptation to touch Alex's skin was growing with each passing moment since the ADA perched on the corner of their desk around 10 minutes earlier.

"So?"

"So, I don't think I'd like to go out tonight. Especially in this weather."

"Who said anything about going  _out_? I'd like to see my fiancée in that breathtaking mulberry dress again at  _home_ while we have something delivered."

Liv's left hand inched closer to Alex's ankle, "Why?"

"Because it'll probably be one of the last times we get to do something romantic like that if you go into labour early. Maybe we can get some Morrocan? Or something from that new Spanish restaurant a few blocks from home?"

" _Sí, Español... bueno!_  You wear that red dress again  _and_  give me a foot massage, we'll have a very romantic dinner!" Olivia replied, the fingertip of her left index finger trailing down Alex's shin with a gentle touch. "Maybe we'll even do something in the bedroom after dinner... maybe another step?"

Alex looked over the top of the papers in her hand, "Are you ready for another step?"

"I think I am."

"You keep touching my leg like that and I'm not sure we'll make it to after dinner," Alex stated matter-of-factly.

"Really?" Olivia rested her hand on top of Alex's ankle, her fingers teasing the Achilles tendon as her thumb drew lazy circles on the ankle bone. "Have I just discovered another erogenous zone for you?"

"I'm not sure about it being an erogenous zone, it's just  _how_  you touch me. It's always so gentle, caring and loving. It's telling me more about you than you're verbalising right now."

Olivia's hand shifted and began inching higher up Alex's calf, "And what am I saying to you right now, Counsellor?"

Before Alex could answer, another voice spoke up from the the door, "Stop feeling up Cabot in the squad room, Benson!"

Doom laughed heartily as Olivia and Alex hastily tried to compose themselves while a few other detectives and uni's on the 6th floor turned to see what the sudden commotion was about.

"Benson, you look like you got your hand caught in the cookie jar... or up your fiancée's leg!" Doom sat down at his desk opposite Olivia. "Glad I arrived when I did. Who knows where your hand could have travelled to!"

"What are you doing here?" Olivia asked to change the subject, both of her hands again being occupied with paperwork. "You're not due to start back until Monday."

"Well, I'm not here to feel up  _Rafi_ in the squad room. Although, I'm sure he wouldn't object to me doing that in private," Joe gave a cheeky grin. "Honestly, I'm here to find out if my assigned partner made Sergeant or not. And it's also your last day, so I thought I'd say goodbye along with the rest of the squad."

"Oh no. There better  _not_  be a farewell party."

Doom shrugged, "It'd be news to me if there was."

Liv turned to Alex, "Sweetheart? Tell me  _now. I_ s there are party planned? Is that why you were suggesting to get dressed up for dinner?"

"Olivia, calm down. I told the entire squad that there would be a pregnant woman to deal with if there was any hint of a farewell party because you're not leaving, you're just taking maternity leave."

"No party?"

"No party. As soon as you're finished for the day, we're going home to have some one on one fiancée time."

"Good."

"And I didn't say anything when they asked about the possibility of an engagement party either," Alex reassured before added quietly, "I do think there might be a welcome back party though."

"Noooooo!" Olivia groaned her displeasure.

Alex justified, "It was the best compromise I could make with Fin, John, Amanda, Nick and Don in the last few days.  _I_  know you don't want any fanfare, but seeing there'll be 2 farewells later in the year with John and Don both retiring, I figured a welcome back party might be nice for the squad's morale."

Olivia rolled her eyes in response before muttering, "You're lucky I love you, Cabot."

"When  _are_  you coming back, Benson?" Joe asked.

"I haven't decided yet, but maybe June or July? I've officially got 12 weeks maternity leave from the NYPD and then I can take as much of my accumulated time off as I want, which I have quite a lot of. I'll make an official decision some time later," Liv said.

Doom added, "And when's the Sheriff and Doc coming to stay next week?"

Alex replied, "Melanie and Kelly are arriving on Wednesday, January 8th and staying until the 17th. Then they depart on their 3 week honeymoon cruise on the 18th from Cape Liberty Cruise Port in Bayonne, New Jersey."

Doom was about to say something when Munch and Amaro returned to the bullpen.

"Any luck?" Olivia called out.

"Waste of time. Noone ever sees or hears anything on New Years Eve and they're still in celebration recovery mode on New Years Day," Munch removed then placed his trenchcoat on the back of his chair. "Or someone knows something and they're not talking."

Nick sat down at his desk opposite John, "Here's hoping TARU can pull something from the nearby CCTV's and the M.E can find some DNA evidence, otherwise we've got nothing but a deceased Jane Doe who's been sexually assaulted."

A sombre silence fell over the group. They all knew how a lack of evidence made their jobs so much more difficult. Each member when lost in their own thoughts when Fin frogmarched his suspect to a uniformed officer to take him to the cells, with Amanda, Cragen and Rafael following behind.

Hopping off the corner of the desk, Alex asked, "How'd you go?"

"He admitted and _'justified'_  raping all 7 women to prove to himself that he wasn't gay and to quell his homosexual urges because just like his hero, former Pastor Ted Haggard, he's  _'completely hetrosexual',_ " Rollins answered, using air quotes.

"Ain't he a piece of work!" Joe muttered, expressing everyone's thoughts while a uniformed officer from the front desk of the 16th Precinct approached Don with an interoffice envelope to sign for.

The current mood was replaced with a tense anticipation. Every member of SVU, including the ADA's, knew precisely what was contained in that envelope. Olivia and Fin exchanged looks of dread when Cragen gave them their respective envelopes containing the special login codes to the NYPD Intranet to find out their Sergeant exam results. Both knew nothing could be done now, they had either passed their exams or failed. And each knew they couldn't put off finding out their results because the entire squad was there.

Olivia felt Alex's right hand rest on her left shoulder before giving a light squeeze in reassurance as she waited for the page to load after typing in her login code. The brunette touched Alex's resting hand with with her the tips of her own left hand as the screen loaded.

"So?" Munch prompted after a minute. "Am I still the only Sergeant here out of 8000 within the NYPD, or do I get to share the responsibility?"

"Looks like you have to share," Olivia looked over at John, "I passed with a rank of 48."

"That's my girl!" Cragen beamed with pride as the rest of the squad cheered at the news.

"So proud of you!" Alex whispered before pressing her lips to Liv's forehead, then softly on Olivia's lips.

"How did you do, Fin?" Amanda asked.

Fin just shrugged his shoulder and looked away. Olivia could see his was rapidly trying to blink away the mistiness growing in eyes because Odafin Tutuola didn't cry. Had he failed? She knew how much effort Fin had put in to study for the Sergeants exam for the handful of times they had studied together, and was aware how much he had studied since being given the mock exam folder.

Olivia got up and walked over to Fin. She gave him a questioning look, not game to voice the question she wanted to ask.

"Fin?" Liv prompted.

"93," Fin said simply as he stood up and hugged Olivia. "I passed with a rank of 93,  _Sergeant_  Benson."

Olivia returned the hug warmly, "Proud of you,  _Sergeant_  Tutuola!"

"So it's not just your mouth that's smart!" Munch quipped, walking over to congratulate his old partner.

Fin beamed proudly, "Hey, I just know stuff, alright!"

Olivia, Fin and John shared a group hug. The longest serving members of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit had been through a lot over the years, and now they all shared the same rank: Sergeants within the New York Police Department.

"When's the Sergeant ceremony, Don?" Alex asked.

"To be confirmed, but either late March or early April," Cragen replied while congratulating both Olivia and Fin. He might have viewed Olivia as a somewhat surrogate daughter, he also viewed Odafin as a somewhat surrogate son. Truth be told, Don viewed every member of SVU as his surrogate family. Always pleased when they succeeded, disheartened when they stumbled, but above all, always proud of their individual achievements. "Sergeants Benson and Tutuola, go home. You too, Detective Dumas... unless you'd like to finish whatever paperwork Olivia hasn't finished as yet."

Nick approached Olivia, now back at her desk, with something behind his back, "We got you a little farewell gift seeing you take maternity leave now."

"Oh no," Olivia groaned.

"It just something we know you'll like," Amanda said, taking the item from Nick's hand and passing it Olivia. A 2lb jar of dry roasted peanuts.

"Oh. That's... thanks everyone," Liv placed the jar on her desk and bid every member of SVU an individual farewell.

"Are you going take them with you?" Munch asked as Olivia led Alex to the elevators.

"No, the squad can share them. I stopped craving peanuts just a few days ago. I'll see you around," Liv called back over her shoulder. She leant closer and said while giving Alex's ass a discreet squeeze as the elevator doors slid closed, "I won't tell them I crave something else right now... or  _someone_!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't forgotten Mel and Kelly's Christmas presents. That's next chapter ;-) Along with Alex and Olivia's date and... another step?


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FYI: Liv explains my interpretation of the Sergeant rankings this chapter for those that might be a little unsure of Liv getting 48 and Fin getting 93

Olivia finished applying the last of her subtle makeup before attempting to tame her shaggy brown locks with her hairbrush and fingertips. It was at that annoying length that kicked every which way no matter what she tried to do with it, and right now it was being seemingly extra stubborn for Olivia's liking. She resigned herself to the fact that it would still be a few more weeks before her hair would grow out to a more manageable length. Moving over to her side of the bed, Liv adjusting the silk fabric of her dress at her bust, then draped the natural grey tone cashmere wrap around her shoulders. She would of loved to have worn something with a heel for this date, however even after Alex's foot and calf massage when they returned to the apartment from Liv's final day at SVU, her feet and ankles were still swollen but thankfully not as sore. With the light scent of coconut oil still lingering, Liv turned around and sat down on the bedroom chair to slip on a pair of comfortable flats then waited for Alex's signal. The ADA was in the spare room getting changed into her asymmetric dress and had hinted to Liv about a little surprise, hence the reason for waiting. What Alex didn't know was Olivia had a little surprise of her own.

"Liv?" Alex tapped at the door but didn't open it more than an inch.

"I'm ready!" Olivia called out as she went to stand up.

Alex still didn't open the door any further, "Perfect! Would you do something for me though?"

"Of course."

"Would you count to say... 30, and then meet me in the lounge room?"

Olivia made a face at the odd request, even though Alex couldn't see.

"Liv?" Alex prompted.

"Ahh, sure. Do you want me to start counting now?"

"Please. See you soon baby," Alex said and closed the door.

Remaining seated, Olivia counted aloud for  _Oey's_  benefit, responding to her daughter's current small movements with gentle pokes of her own near her navel. She wondered how much longer she would get to do little interactions like this with the niggling worry of giving birth to  _Oey_  early. Still being January 3 right now, Liv would be 35 weeks pregnant in 2 days time and  _Oey_  should have been the size of a romaine lettuce. However, she was currently about the size of a cabbage according to Jenny, the ultrasound technician Olivia now visited every week. Realistically, 37 weeks, the minimum early term, was the first goal. Any time past that and closer to  _Oey's_  due date, falling on her own mother's birthday, would be icing on the cake. Olivia continued to count past 30 to give Alex a little more time to set up whatever it was she was doing.

Reaching the count of 50, Liv gave her stomach one last rub, "Let's go see Mama."

Upon entering the lounge area with the lights dimmed slightly, Alex was currently facing away from the approaching brunette, her focus on something else on the mantle. Dressed in the red asymmetric dress and a cream cashmere wrap of her own, Alex's blonde hair was in messy low chignon. The coffee table that stood in the middle of the room had been pushed to the wall, opening up the area between the suites. When Alex didn't turn around, Liv discreetly cleared her throat to gain Alex's attention.

Both women couldn't help but gasp when Alex turned, finally seeing each other.

"You didn't wear your glasses," Olivia said softly.

"I wanted to surprise you seeing I haven't worn my contacts for a while. You didn't wear the mulberry dress."

"I wanted to surprise you too. I haven't worn this one yet," Olivia said, her hand smoothing the fabric of the aquamarine version of the Silk Multiway Maternity Evening Gown.

They laughed lightly, then Alex beckoned Olivia closer with a curl of her finger.

"What's this all about?"

"I thought we could slow dance while we wait for dinner to arrive," Alex replied.

"You ordered already?"

"As soon as you went to have a shower. I hope Sweet and Savory Beef Empanadas, Chicken and Chorizo Paella, Spanish Potato Tortilla, and Churros with Caramel and Chocolate dipping sauces are acceptable?"

"Very acceptable."

"So... slow dance with me, my beautiful fiancée and mother of our daughter?" Alex held her hand out.

Olivia interlaced their fingers together, "What song?"

Alex pressed the play button of the tiny iPod nano in the portable speaker sitting on the mantle. The familiar piano introduction of Aretha Franklin's _'(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman'_  began. She led Olivia to the open space before they held each other as close they could, relishing the intimacy. Mouthing the lyrics to each other as they stepped and shuffled slowly to the beat of the music, they rested their foreheads together. Eventually, Olivia raised her left hand that was holding Alex's right allowing the ADA to twirl at her own pace while, before coming together again.

"Woman!" they sang softly in unison with the backup singers as the first chorus ended.

Alex moved her left hand to under Olivia's chin, her fingers and thumb delicately caressing Olivia's face before finally closing the gap between their lips. Soft, gentle and undemanding, their kiss conveyed more love than spoken words. They continued slow dancing and sharing kisses through Nina Simone's ' _I Put A Spell On You'_ , Etta James' ' _At Last'_ , Ella Fitzgerald's ' _Dream A Little Dream Of Me'_ and Dionne Warwick's ' _I Know I'll Never Love This Way Again'._ The intercom buzzed at the beginning of Roberta Flack's _'The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face'_.

Alex finished another twirl before, hand in hand, they made their way over to the intercom. She pressed the button, "Yes?"

_"Delivery for... Cabenson from Delicioso Restaurante Español!"_

Olivia mouthed in confusion at Alex, 'Cabenson?!'

Alex made a face and shrugged while pressing the intercom button again, "I believe you meant to say Cabot-Benson. The name I gave for the order was Cabot-Benson."

_"I'm sorry ma'am, I didn't take the order, I just do the deliveries and the receipt says Cabenson. C-A-B-E-N-S-O-N."_

Sighing, Alex pressed the button to allow the delivery guy entrance to the apartment building.

Olivia snorted, " _Cabenson_? That's the type of portmanteau that Munch would come up with for us, if he hasn't already. He's bestowed  _Rollaro_  on Amanda and Nick."

The blonde leant back against the wall, "I  _specifically_  said Cabot-Benson when I ordered."

"And  _why_  did you do that?" Olivia placed her left hand on the wall near Alex's head, her right hand now resting on Alex's left hip.

"I wanted to get into practice seeing we're going to get married one day," Alex offered meekly as Olivia leant closer. She watched as the loving dark brown eyes darted down to her mouth then back up to her own eyes.

"Is that so? Well, I think it might be a good idea to practice our wedding kiss right now."

"Liv, the delivery guy will be here in less than a minute!" Alex hissed.

"But he's not here yet!" Olivia grinned before she captured Alex's lips with her own. Alex moaned when their tongues made contact as the kiss deepened, and Olivia's right thumb began brushing back and forth lazily on Alex's hip. The brunette's fingertips drummed against the wall in frustration when the knock at the door came all too quickly for her liking. Liv said after breaking apart, "We'll continue this later."

After checking the peephole, Alex unlocked the door, greeted then took the takeaway bags from the delivery guy. Blocking the door with her body, Olivia gave the delivery guy a glare she reserved for perps as he blatantly attempted to check Alex out when she left to get her purse. Even at almost 35 weeks pregnant as dressed up like she was, Olivia would have no hesitation to have her fist connect with the delivery guy's face should he try something sleazy or remotely sinister. When his eyes landed on her expanding cleavage, Olivia folded her arms and raised an eyebrow in silent challenge, her glare even more cold than it was. He looked away in embarrassment for being caught out and bid a hasty retreat to the elevator once Alex had paid and tipped him. Once she had locked the door, Liv attempted to help Alex plate up their dinner but was promptly escorted to the dining table. Olivia poured a glass of mineral water each as Alex placed their plates down and sat to Olivia's left to share a corner of the table.

As they began to eat, Alex took Olivia's left hand in her right and placed their combined hands on top of the table corner, "I'm going to miss being able to call you 'my detective', but I'm so proud of you for passing the Sergeants exam, Sergeant Benson."

"I'm still a detective, just a higher ranked one with a different title, better pay and more set hours."

"Speaking of rankings, you said in the squad room that you got a rank of 48 and Fin said he got a rank of 93. I take it that's good?"

"In these types of exams, whether it be the Sergeants, Lieutenants or Captains exams, you always want to aim for the top 100 rankings. Fin making a rank of 93 is something he'll be proud of, and Ken will be proud of him too. And me getting a rank of 48 is better than I thought I'd get after everything I've been through since May."

"So you and Fin both made the top 100," Alex stated.

"Yeah. Usually around 1000 or so detectives take the exam when they come up every 3 years, and about 2/3rds pass the exam. A lot of people sitting any of the exams fail for not following the verbal and written instructions, even if they get every single question in the exams correct."

"How do your and Fin's ranking compare to when John took his Sergeants exam?"

Olivia swallowed the last of her empanada after pausing to think for a moment, "You know what? Munch never revealed his ranking when he took the exam on a dare all those years ago."

"He didn't?"

"No, he didn't. It's most likely he didn't make the top 100."

"Maybe he was just being modest by not revealing his ranking?"

"Munch being modest? I doubt that. No, if you don't make the top 100, you usually don't care about your ranking. You just say you made Sergeant and leave it at that."

"Well, not only did you make the top 100, you made the top 50... and you're number 1 in my books. I can't wait to see you in your uniform at your Sergeants ceremony..." Alex lifted their combined hands as pressed a kiss to Olivia's knuckles before her tone became husky, " _Sergeant_."

Liv purred, "And I can't wait to see you naked in the bedroom,  _Counsellor_."

"I thought we could get naked before then."

Olivia's fork clattered against the plate as it slipped from the brunette's grasp. She stared at the blonde, who has a tiny smirk on her face and a twinkle in her eye. Had she heard correctly or had her ears deceived her? Olivia raised an eyebrow in silent questioning.

"Even though we've both had showers, I thought you and I could share a nice warm bath before we head to the bedroom. It's a romantic date after all," Alex added, raising the glass of mineral water to her lips.

* * *

As the bath began to fill, a now robed Olivia waited while Alex, also in her fluffy robe, lit 6 large multiwick sandalwood and vanilla scented candles then placed them around the bathroom before dimming the lights. As much as Olivia wanted it to be a scented bubble bath, the risk of developing a UTI with extra soaps, fragrances, scents and oils was increased during pregnancy. Untying the belt cinched at her waist, Olivia let the fluffy robe slip silently to the bathroom floor. She didn't try to hide the fact that a few stretchmarks now appeared on the lower part of her stomach. They were natural scars bestowed upon her, and like the scars Lewis Williams cruelly inflicted upon her, they would slowly fade over time. She doubted she would have the confidence to allow anyone else to see her marred body like she allowed Alex to see right now, but she knew Alex wouldn't judge seeing the blonde had scars of her own.

Alex didn't try and hide her look of love and adoration she gave Olivia when she turned and saw the brunette standing there naked. There was no denying that Olivia was beautiful. A naked Olivia was even more beautiful. But a naked and pregnant Olivia was a sight to behold in Alex's belief. Those shapely curves had been ingrain in Alex's memory since that night in the motel, and as each day continued to inch closer to Olivia's due date, those curves were accentuated even further. Her calves, thighs, backside, hips, stomach and breasts... just breathtaking. The ADA took a moment to add the current alluring sight of Olivia to her memory. Stepping closer, she tenderly caressed the back of her fingers against Olivia's cheeks and kissed her softly on the lips before helping Olivia into the bathtub.

"Where are you going?" Olivia asked as Alex began to head for the bathroom door instead of hopping in after her.

"I'm going to get the music," Alex replied, crouching down beside the tub and giving Liv a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll be back in a moment."

True to her word, Alex returned promptly with the portable speaker, the sounds of Billie Holiday's  _'Tenderly'_ filtering through. However, she exited the bathroom again, much to Olivia's surprise. Olivia turned the faucet off with a gentle push of her painted metallic bronze nail polished toes while she waited for her fiancée to return. The brunette look down at the engagement ring on her left finger and smiled, content with the knowledge that Alex had one almost identical on her left ring finger as well, and that they would marry some time after  _Oey_  was born. The fine band Olivia had received from Serena on her 18th birthday and that had been on Alex's finger since the day of the Major Case interview had been returned to Olivia's right ring finger. It briefly saddened Olivia to see that ring removed from Alex's finger, but her heart soared as she slipped the engagement ring on the ADA's finger after they had each proposed.

Alex's return coincided with the beginnings of Peggy Lee's  _'Fever'_ , an opened bottle of wine and 2 champagne flutes in her hand. She placed the flutes next to the portable speaker and proceeded to fill both of them about 3/4 full.

Olivia admonished, "Alex, you know I can't."

"It's an alcohol free sparkling rosé wine, so you  _can_  have a glass."

"Alcohol free? It doesn't sound very appealing," Olivia still took the proffered flute.

Alex picked up the bottle, "The description reads...  _'An attractive dry rosé wine with a nose of red berries. Soft and round on the palate, with excellent length of flavour'_. So if it's terrible, we'll suffer together. I'm just trying to set a romantic mood for us."

As Olivia took a small sip from her glass, Alex placed the bottle down, untied and removed her robe before letting it slip to the floor as well. Each time Liv saw Alex naked, including those discreet works of body art low on Alex's hips, she couldn't help but feel a throb between her own legs. She knew that she was, and would be, the only one with the privilege to see Alex like this. Mesmerised, the brunette watched the ADA pick up her own flute and take the few steps across the bathroom.

"Not bad. Not bad at all," Olivia purred as Alex approached.

"The wine or the company you have?"

"To be honest... both."

Placing her flute on the corner edge of the tub, Alex indicated for Olivia to shift forward so she could sit behind. The water threatened to spill over the edge of the bathtub as Alex settled behind Olivia, but thankfully there was an inch or so to spare. Wrapping her legs around so that her calves rested on top of Olivia's thighs, Alex gently pulled Liv back to rest flush against her body. Once they clinked their flutes together and taken a sip, Alex placed her glass back on the edge of the tub before grabbing the natural sea sponge and submerging it in the water. The sponge in Alex's right hand swept over Olivia's stomach in a wide circular pattern.

"She's getting bigger," Alex commented, feeling some movement from their daughter.

Olivia gave a genuine smile as Alex ran the sponge up and down the  _linea nigra_  of her stomach again, "She _is_  getting bigger. 35 weeks on Sunday."

Alex dipped the sponge in the water and allowed the excess water to trickle over Olivia's breasts and torso. Olivia hummed her approval as the sponge swept over her breasts, her dark nipples tightening from a combination of arousal, stimulation and temperature. Olivia moved Alex's left hand to rest on her left breast and held it there with her own left hand, her right hand drawing random patterns of Alex's right calf and shin that rested on her own thigh.

"I like this. We have to do this more often," Olivia sighed, tilting her head to the left as Alex's lips nibbled on the curve of her neck of right side.

"No objections from me. I look forward to reversing the positions... you holding me like this, your legs wrapped around me, you washing me."

"I like the sound of that." Olivia agreed. Looking back over her right shoulder, she asked without thinking, "Will you be pregnant like me?"

Alex stilled the sponge between the valley of Olivia's breasts.

The only thing that broke the current silence was Ella Fitzgerald singing  _'You Leave Me Breathless'_.

"Olivia, can we talk about that?" Alex eventually said softly, her voice even.

"You mean possibly having another child or children?"

Alex nodded, resuming her gentle strokes of the sponge on Olivia's body after switching the sponge to her left hand.

"Of course we can talk about it, sweetheart."

"I mean... sometime during this year, can we sit down and  _really_  talk about what Joe's done for us with the donation at the sperm bank?"

"We can talk about it now if you'd like," Olivia suggested, picking up her flute to take another sip.

"Are you sure?"

"Well obviously we're not going to make any firm decisions tonight on what we may or may not do. We can just talk about... air our thoughts, hopes and concerns so we're not diving head first into it later on."

"Fair enough. What are your concerns?"

"Let's be realistic. The possibility of me conceiving again in the future will be slim to none because of my age. My mom started menopause in her late 40's, and the likelihood of me starting menopause around the same time or possibly even earlier is almost guaranteed. Honestly, I still can't believe I fell pregnant in the first place! It was a combination of a fucked up situation and a miracle that I  _did_  fall pregnant. Conceiving  _Oey_  might have been my biological clock and fertility's last hurrah."

"That's a legitimate concern to have."

"I will say this though, Alex: the thought of a miniature version of you appeals to me."

"It does?" Alex questioned, a hint of happiness in her tone.

"Yeah. I can easily imagine a miniature version of you toddling after  _Oey._ "

"Well,  _Oey's_  is a little version of  _you_ , so Gloria and Joe said."

Olivia placed her own flute back down on the edge of the tub, "A little version of you toddling after a little version of me... I really like the sound of that."

"I like the sound of that too," the blonde agreed.

"Do you have any concerns?"

"It's not so much a concern, but, do you remember what it was like growing up as the only child?"

Olivia nodded, "I remember feeling envious of my school friends for having brothers and or sisters, especially whenever they would say to me that their mom was having a baby. I could never understand why when asked Mom if I could have a little brother or sister, she kept saying that would happen when hell froze over. It wasn't until I found out and comprehended my own conception that I understood why I was an only child."

"I remember that envy too. Unfortunately, my mother told me when I was older that she and my father tried, but they couldn't conceive again. I know my mother was able to give me all the attention I wanted while I was growing up, but I would've loved to have had a little brother or sister. Also, I want to have some time getting to know our daughter, but I don't want to leave this opportunity until it's too late either. I'd like to hope that we might have another child and give _Oey_  a sibling in the future. I don't want to  _not_  try seeing Joe's given us this gift when he didn't have to do that," Alex explained before picking up and draining her glass.

"You're right, he didn't have to do that for us. I'm grateful that he has though because I like the possibility of  _Oey_  having a sibling that's genetically similar rather than anonymous donor number..." Olivia plucked a random number from her head, "... 15867."

"Anonymous donor number 15867 could be... Trevor Langan."

"No!" Liv screwed up her face at the thought. She began to giggle as she downed the remains of her drink, "Number 15867 could be... Munch!"

"Eww! I don't want to carry a Munchkin," Alex shuddered at the thought as she began to giggle too. "It could... Cragen."

"Oh, that's just wrong on so many levels! It could be... Elliott."

"The world  _doesn't_  need another Stabler."

"I agree with that, and I think Kathy would too!" The brunette's voice went very quiet, "Donor number 15867 could be Lewis Williams for all we know."

"Liv, don't think like that."

"Like you said, anonymous donors could be  _anyone_. At least we know what we're getting with Doom," Olivia justified. "Blonde hair, grey-blue eyes... sounds like someone I love."

"You love Melanie? I knew you were having an affair with her!" Alex teased, lightly pinching Olivia's right nipple. "I'm going to have to keep an eye on you and Mel when the Leonards come and stay before they go on their cruise!"

"If you and I don't work out, and the Sheriff and the Doc don't... you never know!" Olivia looked back over her shoulder gave a cheeky grin, before giving the ADA a soft kiss. Ending the kiss, Olivia becoming serious again, "Rest assured Alex, I love  _you_  and  _only_  you. And our daughter."

"I love only you and _Oey_... and any future child or children we may have."

"Can I just say this: I don't want donor number 15867 near your lady parts if donor number 15867 happened to be either Langan, Munch, Cragen or Elliott!"

"And why not?"

"Because  _I'm_  the only one allowed near your lady parts, they're  _definitely_  not!"

Alex chided, "Is that so?"

"Yes!" Liv gave a firm nod. "But if we weren't successful with using Doom's donation for whichever path we decide to take... artificial insemination or in vitro fertilisation...  _then_  we might consider anonymous donor number 15867."

"Fair enough. However, if anonymous donor number 15867's description sounds anything remotely like Langan, Munch, Cragen, Elliott or Lewis Williams for that matter, we will avoid that donor like the plague. Agreed, baby?" Alex rested her chin on Olivia's right shoulder.

Liv once again turn her head to the right, "Agreed, sweetheart."

Alex and Olivia sealed their decision with a lingering kiss. Deepening the kiss, the ADA's right hand began kneading Liv's right breast, evoking a throaty moan from the brunette.

"So, you said that you're the only one allowed near my...  _lady parts_. Does the same statement apply in reverse?" Alex asked huskily after ending the kiss.

"Uh-huh," Olivia took the sponge from Alex's grasp and guided the blonde's left hand by the wrist to between her legs. As Alex's hand cupped her, Liv grinded her own hand firmly on top of Alex's to create glorious friction to her hidden bundle of nerves. Their mouths came together again and Olivia couldn't help moaning again as Alex's tongue slipped inside. Her libido was rising by the second and she didn't want either of them to end up as boneless heaps in the lukewarm water.

"Can we..." Olivia panted, indicating the bedroom with a nod of her head.

Alex nodded. Taking extra care not to spill any water over the edge, she extracted herself from behind Olivia and slipped her robe on loosely before helping Olivia to her feet and out of the tub. Alex pulled the plug from the bath and removed the pins holding her messy low chignon in place while Olivia slipped her own robe on loosely and blew out the candles before heading to the bedroom.

* * *

"Touch me," Liv breathed, her hand threading through Alex's hair.

With a hum of understanding, Alex tongue continued to swirl around Olivia's dark left nipple. Shifting slightly on the bed, Alex's left hand abandoned Olivia's right breast and skated down to between Olivia's legs to cup her delicately. Keeping her movements gentle, Alex rubbed her hand over smooth folds. She could feel the the moisture beginning to collect on her hand and continued to tease Olivia's nipple while watching the various emotions flit over Liv's features.

Olivia tilted her hips in encouragement, "Please."

Alex began circling her middle finger around Liv's bundle of nerves. This was the biggest step to date and all signs were positive. She moved her finger lower to gather more moisture and heard Olivia still her breathing until she had moved her finger back up to Olivia's clit again.

"Liv?"

"Keep going..." Olivia gasped. "Wanna come... wanna come."

Alex continued circling Olivia's clit over and over again, each time a little faster than the last. She could hear the brunette's breath begin to quicken as she continued to circle.

"Inside," Liv panted. "Inside."

Moments passed.

The only sound that broke the silence was a pained whimper.

Liv calmed her breathing and opened her eyes, focusing on the blue ones looking down at her, "You didn't go inside."

"I didn't," Alex continued to slowly circle Olivia's clitoris.

"Why didn't you go inside?"

"I couldn't do that to you because you froze."

Olivia reached down and stilled Alex's hand, "I what?"

"Even though you didn't use any of your safe words to stop me, you held your breath... you closed your eyes and went completely still... you whimpered when I went to penetrate you."

"I whimpered?!"

Alex nodded, "I know you  _too_  well, Olivia. You went from enjoying what we were doing to just... existing in the moment. Even though you gave me verbal permission, you weren't really consenting."

Liv choked back a sob before tears escaped her eyes, "I'm not ready, am I?"

"No. You're ready for penetrative sex yet."

"I  _want_  to be ready!" Olivia broke down in tears.

With tears welling in her own eyes, Alex comforted her fiancée, "I know you do, Liv. I know you do."

* * *

Donna Lieberman, the Executive Director for the New York branch of the American Civil Liberties Union scanned the folder in front of her, "Your résumé quite impressive, Ms Meyer. What made you leave Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates?"

"My decision to leave Wentworth, Burke, Davidson and Associates was by no means spur of the moment, or made lightly." Vanessa squared her shoulders, "A client from my previous employer who was assigned to me to represent him in court took it upon himself to kidnap, hold me captive, brutally torture and repeatedly sexually assault me for 128 days in a transient cabin in a small town in Maine."

" _You_  were the Manhattan defense attorney that was kidnapped along with the NYPD Detective that was all over the news last year?"

"Sergeant. She's now an NYPD Sergeant. But you're correct, that was me," Vanessa confirmed, unconsciously hooking a lock of hair behind her ear.

The female interviewer could see the fading X shaped scar on the back of Vanessa's hand as she lowered back into her lap.

"Ms Meyer, the ACLU has numerous key issues that we work daily to defend, preserve and uphold for the people of the United States. Is there any particular key issues that appeal to you?"

"No key issues that the ACLU work on are neither more or less important than any other. All key issues are just as important to preserve whether those issues be Free Speech, Human Rights or Criminal Law Reform. That being said, there are 3 key issues that the ACLU works tirelessly on that are important to me as a lawyer, and as a US citizen. Those key issues are: LGBT Rights, Reproductive Freedom, and Women's Rights...  _particularly_  Violence Against Women."

"I would love to start you off in one of those offices immediately, but seeing as though you haven't worked for a number of months due to..." Donna waved her hand, trying to think of the right words but not to make light or flippantly brush aside what happened to her potential new employee. Nor did she want to remind the red head what she went through.

"Unforeseen circumstances?" Vanessa offered with a small smile.

"Unforeseen circumstances. I would have to start you off with basic clerking here in our main office. This would also give you the opportunity to refresh yourself with current laws and bring you up to speed with newer laws."

"I have no qualms in that regard. I wouldn't expect anything else or want for any special treatment because of the circumstances of my unfortunate...  _notoriety_ , for lack of a better word. Also, I'd like to prove myself if I were given the opportunity to do so."

"Your progress will be assessed in a few months time, and I have a strong feeling you'll be moved to the Women's Right offices in due course. Welcome to the ACLU, Ms Meyer."

Donna closed the résumé folder and extended her right hand across the desk for Vanessa to shake. Vanessa shook Donna's hand firmly with her right, her left hand clasped around the little heart shaped rock in suit coat pocket. With her résumé folder back in her new attaché case, Vanessa knew there was one person she had to tell immediately before she would tell Olivia and Alex in person. She scrolled through her list of contacts and typed a quick text after exiting the interview office.

_'Guess who got a job today! Miss U & Papi XOXO'_

She received a text moments later.

_'Congrats! I knew my butterfly could do it! Papi & I miss U too. XOXO'_

* * *

A sharp knock at the apartment door broke startled Alex and Olivia while they watched television, waiting for their dinner to finish baking in the oven. They weren't expecting anyone this evening, and noone had been buzzed up. Waving away Alex's attempt to help, Olivia struggled to her feet. Her eyes widened when she looked through the peephole and saw who was on the other side.

"Alex! You're not going to believe who it is!" Olivia said as she unlocked and opened the door.

"You're  _still_  pregnant?!" Kelly gasped, her eyes falling on Olivia's swollen stomach.

"We've been away on our cruise for _all_  this time! We were sure we'd come back and you'd have given birth by  _now_!" Mel added as they were ushered inside the apartment with their luggage after a round of greetings and hugs.

Olivia gave a broad toothy smile, "I'm overdue!"

" _Overdue_?!" Mel and Kelly were stunned.

Liv nodded, "Looks like  _Oey_  hasn't finished baking yet but as you can see, she's dropped. I'm having foetal monitoring at my OBGYN's rooms every day and my OBGYN says-... Excuse me, I have to pee, _again_."

While Olivia scurried off as fast she could to the bathroom, Alex explained as she closed and locked the door, "Liv was about to say that her OBGYN will induce if nothing has happened in the next 5 days. What are you doing here?"

Melanie answered, "We thought we'd come and visit again for a couple of days seeing we've just got back. Hope you don't mind?"

Alex indicated for the Leonards to sit down at the dining table, "Not at all! The spare bed is made up like always, but the spare bed is now in what was previously the office. The nursery and the office are now combined in the old spare room."

Kelly's eyes widened, "When did  _that_  happen?"

"The day after you both left for your cruise. Olivia went into nesting phase overdrive because she thought the spare room was too overcrowded, so Joe and Rafael were the lucky ones to do all the shifting around when they came over for dinner... or unlucky, depending on how you look at it. Let's just say there was about a dozen rearrangements before Liv was truly satisfied with everything. Shouldn't you both have been back from your cruise last week?"

"We were for a few hours, then we sailed again!" Melanie replied with a wave of her hand.

Alex gave a puzzled look to both newly arrived women.

Kelly said, "How about we wait for Olivia to come back so there's no need to repeat anything."

"Have you eaten dinner?" Alex asked.

"No, not yet. But whatever you have cooking smells really good!" Mel commented.

Alex responded, "It's only vegetarian lasagne and salad, but that's what Liv wanted. It should be ready in about 10 minutes or so."

The ADA, the Sheriff and the Doctor continued chatting until Olivia returned a few minutes later, "Sorry about that, but I don't think I've ever peed so much in my life as I have lately!"

"You did have that extra cup of raspberry leaf tea this afternoon," Alex reminded the brunette.

"I didn't drink a gallon of it though!" Liv chuckled and carefully sat down. "I can't wait to give birth so  _Oey_  stops pressing on my bladder! So what are you both doing here now... not that you're not welcome to stay. You can stay for as long as you want. Your cruise finished last week, didn't it?"

Mel explained, "It did and it didn't. Not only did Brad upgrade our suite on the cruise ship, he  _also_  paid to have our cruise extended for an additional week as his way of apologising for not telling me that Kel was only going to be away for 6 weeks in the Philippines. So after we did the Bahamas and the Caribbean as initially planned for our honeymoon, we swapped cruise ships after we docked back at Cape Liberty Cruise Port, then had a week cruising up and down the Northeast Coast!"

Kelly assisted Alex to plate up dinner and prepare drinks for everyone while Melanie shifted the Leonards luggage to the new spare room. Olivia was on the receiving end of 2 withering looks and a familiar Cabot glare when she got up and said she'd help the Sheriff move the luggage. Liv sat back down, but not before rolling her eyes and muttering something under her breath about 'only being pregnant' in response. During dinner, Melanie and Kelly shared numerous stories from their honeymoon. All of a sudden, Melanie scurried away when Kelly was telling Alex and Olivia about an older gay couple they met on the cruise that had been together for the last 40 years.

Mel returned with a huge grin on her face and hiding something behind her back, "Look what we found when we went shopping on one of the islands...  _Guadeloupe_  or  _Martinique_ , I think."

"We thought we could keep our Christmas gifts inside of it," Kelly said, indicating the pearl pendant that looked like a stylised labia and clitoris that she and Melanie each were wearing on a white gold chains around their necks.

The Sheriff placed a pewter jewelley box down between Olivia and Alex. Both squealed then laughed when they saw what had been purchased.

Alex said exactly what Olivia was thinking, "I want one!"

On the lid of the pewter jewellery box were 2 naked women partaking in tribadism, specifically the 'scissoring' position.

"You can have this one," Melanie said as she sat down beside Kelly.

"No, you can't do that!" Liv admonished. "You can't give this to us!"

"Actually we can. We bought 2 of them because we thought you might appreciate the..." Kelly studied the jewellery box critically and stifled a laugh, "...  _fine craftmanship_  that's gone into making it! Think of it as our naughty gift to you both for your engagement."

Mel added, "We were tempted to purchase the jewellery box with 2 males giving each other hand jobs for Doom and Barba, but we weren't sure they appreciate the  _fine craftmanship_  that went into making it."

Everyone couldn't help but laugh.

* * *

Kelly took a moment to gather her bearings then exited the now spare room to get a glass of water from the kitchen. She didn't expect to see Olivia slowly pacing up and down the hallway of the apartment, especially at this time of night.

"Did I wake you?" Olivia asked softly when she saw Kelly exit the room.

"No, I just wanted a glass of water. Are you alright?"

"Can't sleep. I just have some lower back pain and Braxton Hicks, that's all."

Kelly repeated, "Lower back pain and Braxton Hicks?"

"Yeah. I can't get comfortable in bed and I don't want to wake Alex with my tossing and turning because she's been working so much lately. I'm fine, trust me."

The salt and pepper haired woman raised an eyebrow, "Are you  _sure_  you're not in labour?"

"I'm sure," Liv nodded then grimaced painfully as she rested her hand low on her stomach. She saw the look Kelly was giving her, "I'm  _not_  in labour! My waters haven't broken yet, and these are just slightly stronger Braxton Hicks contractions, that's all."

"When we arrived this evening, you said you urinated  _a lot_ when you came back from the bathroom."

Olivia hissed, "Yeah, I've been peeing  _heaps_  these last few days! I have a baby pressing on my bladder!"

Realisation dawned on the emergency doctor, "Your waters broke just after Melanie and I arrived... I should've realised."

"No, they didn't break! There was no...  _gushing_! I just peed heaps!"

Kelly kept her voice low, "It's not always a Hollywood 'drop a water balloon on the floor' when your waters break, Olivia! And I bet you've been doing more than just urinating. You've also been having lots of soft bowel movements."

Olivia screwed up her face, "Urgh! Must you remind me?"

"I can tell you right now that those bodily fluids and functions are a clear indication your body's been preparing itself for  _labour_."

"You honestly think I'm labour?!"

"No, I got my medical degree out a box of cereal and I'm messing with your head," Kelly deadpanned. "Olivia, you're  _overdue_! I don't  _think_  you're in labour... you  _are_  in labour!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Donna Lieberman is actually the New York Civil Liberties Union Executive Director, which is an affiliate of the American Civil Liberties Union. The actual Executive Director of the American Civil Liberties Union is Anthony Romero. I just thought I'd clear that up :-)


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I have stated in previous chapters, I am not a medical doctor. If anything medical in this chapter is inaccurate, I apologise in advance. I have never given birth and the chances of me ever giving birth is 0%. I am using a mix of Doctor Google and family/friends experiences regarding the birth of Oey ;-) But please keep in mind that every pregnancy, labour and delivery is different :-). Also, I may or may not have mentioned about the timeline of this story. I hope readers finally understand why I believe it's been so important in this chapter :-) And I can't wait for readers to finally find out Oey's name :-D Please enjoy :-)

**_A little ray of sunshine has come into the world,_**  
**_A little ray of sunshine in the shape of a girl._  ~ Axiom (A Little Ray Of Sunshine)**

"I'm in labour?" Olivia whispered in disbelief.

She knew she was overdue but she expected everything to be different even after all the birthing DVD's, websites and online videos, the single birthing class she had attended, and the numerous talks with her OBGYN and the ultrasound technician. She assumed the typical indication of painful contractions, waters breaking and trickling down her leg, huffing, puffing and panicking... Why did she feel so calm? Then again, everything about her pregnancy hadn't been typical, why should it be any different now?

"You're in labour," Kelly confirmed as she gently guided Olivia to the bathroom and switched on the light. "Now, go and see how far dilated you are."

"W-what?!"

Kelly gave a kind smile, "I'm sure your OBGYN would've shown you how. While you're doing that, I'll get my medical bag... just in case."

With her mouth agape, Olivia stared at salt and pepper haired woman, trying to comprehend what she had just said as another contraction began.

"Don't look at me like  _that_. I'm a doctor, and an emergency one at that. I  _always_  take my medical bag with me, even when I go on honeymoon cruises. It's a force of habit," Kelly admonished lightly before exiting and closing the bathroom door.

A tap on the bathroom door a minute later heralded Kelly's return. She closed the door and placed the leather medical bag next to the sink, noting that Olivia had barely moved from when she had left. Popping the dual locks, Kelly opened the split top, "How far dilated are you?"

Olivia tried to keep her emotions in check, "I-I don't know."

"If you don't know exactly, that's alright. Just show me with your fingers how far," Kelly indicated with her index and middle fingers of her right hand like a pair of scissors. "Was your cervix dilation small or large?"

"I-I didn't check."

"I can give you some gloves to wear-"

"I-I haven't... I-I  _can't_... after what happened..." Liv took a calming breath, "I still don't know if I was raped or not."

Kelly showed no signs of shock or surprise, "You haven't penetrated yourself at all?"

Liv shook her head in response.

"I'm sorry if I'm intruding in your private life right now... has Alex?"

Another shake of Olivia's head in the negative.

Kelly continued her questions, "Liv, has your OBGYN ever checked you for dilation during checkups?"

"No. She's never checked because she said the cervix can dilate and efface over several weeks, and I was happy not to press the issue any further. She's wanted  _Oey_  grow more than anything and so have I."

"Some OBGYN's don't check during pregnancy, whereas some do. A lot will check at 36 weeks though," Kelly explained. "Alright... well, we can wait until we get you to the hospital, but it would  _really_  help to know how far dilated you are if you've been in labour for as long as I think you've been. You might only be 3 centimetres and still several hours to go, or your could be at 9 centimetres and almost ready to start pushing."

"C-can you do it?" Olivia murmured quietly.

Kelly remained professional, "I  _can_... but are you  _sure_  you're comfortable for me do that if you haven't done it yourself?"

Liv chewed her bottom lip, "It's medical, right? It's  _not_  sexual. I-I think I can process it that way if you need to check."

"Do you want Alex to hold your hand while I check?"

"No," Olivia shook her head as she winced again.

Kelly kept her tone soft and soothing, "The only reason I ask is because the more relaxed you are, the easier it will be on you for me to check how far dilated your cervix is because it's not a comfortable test."

Olivia took a moment to consider what Kelly had said then nodded, "Ok. I want Alex."

"I'll go get her," Kelly said before departing.

* * *

"Alex?" Kelly lightly touched the ADA's arm in the hope she wouldn't startle the blonde.

"Huh? Wha? What's wrong?" Alex shielded her eyes from the bedroom light as she fumbled for her glasses beside the bed.

"Can you come to the bathroom, please?"

Alex sat up immediately, "Is it Liv?!"

Kelly kept her voice low, " _Don't_  panic, but Olivia's in labour and I'm thinking she's been in labour for some time now. I need to see how far dilated she is, and it's best if she's as calm as she can possibly be for me to do that. The more  _you_  panic, the more she'll pick up on it, then she could start panicking. I also want to check her blood pressure to be on the safe side."

"Olivia's blood pressure has been fine at each checkup. 115 over 75, " Alex got out of bed.

"It's just standard procedure," Kelly reassured as she and Alex headed for the bathroom.

Olivia was taking deep breaths as she paced slowly in the bathroom, much to Alex's surprise as she and Kelly entered.

"Liv, I'm going to take your blood pressure first before I check dilation, ok?" Kelly said, removing her aneroid sphygmomanometer and stethoscope from her medical bag. "Alex, can you put a clean towel down so Liv can sit on the toilet for me and another towel to cover her until I'm ready to check."

"You want my panties off now?" Olivia clarified, a hint of apprehension in her tone.

"Well, normally I'd probably wait until at  _least_  the 3rd or 4th date before getting a woman's panties off, just don't tell Melanie that because she might get jealous!" Kelly joked to lighten the mood. "Olivia, if you take them off now, you won't have to stand again seeing you need to sit while I take your blood pressure."

The doctor resumed rummaging around in her medical bag for a pair of single use latex gloves in a sterile packet and a sachet of lubricant while Alex got clean towels and assisted Olivia. Once Olivia was seated, Kelly wrapped the cuff around Olivia's upper arm, adjusted the earpieces and placed the stethoscope chestpiece on the brachial artery.

"Also tell me when a contraction begins so we can time it," Kelly said before pumping the bulb to find out Liv's systolic and diastolic readings. "Ok, 120 over 80."

"That's higher than it's been," commented Alex.

Kel removed the cuff, "And it's still within the average. I only wish a lot more of my patients would have that sort of blood pressure. 140 over 90, hello hypertension."

"Contraction," Liv groaned as Kelly squeezed the sachet of lubricant on the latex covered fingers of her right hand after washing her hands thoroughly.

Alex checked her watch until Olivia indicated the contraction was over, "55 seconds long... but we don't know how far apart yet."

"We'll find that out soon enough," Kelly reassured them both. "Liv, is that about how long they've been for some time?"

"That one may have been a little longer than the others."

"Good to know. Alright, I want you to tilt your pelvis forward for me then grab one of Alex's hands, and grab my left hand here while I check with my right hand. It's probably not going to be pleasant because I'll more than likely have to reach in a little further than what you're used to, but I'll be as quick and as gentle as I can, ok?"

Gripping both Alex and Kelly's hands tightly, Olivia struggled not to whimper as Kelly penetrated her. The brunette asked a question to focus on something else, "Why didn't I realise I was in labour?"

Kelly explained, "I believe you're not feeling as much pain as I think you probably should be because of all the physical torture you suffered. Basically, your pain threshold has increased somewhat and that's why you were assuming you were only having strong Braxton Hicks when nothing could be further from the truth... Alright, let's get you to the hospital."

Olivia asked while Alex helped her to her feet, "You think it's time?"

"I guess you  _could_  give birth to  _Oey_  here if you wanted to, but I think we should get you to the hospital because you're around 6 to 7 centimetres dilated," Kelly snapped off the used gloved so it was inside out, placed it in the unused glove, removed the unused glove the same way and tied the free end closed before placing the used gloves in the bin. "I'll go and wake Melanie."

* * *

"Contraction," Olivia puffed just as the 4 women went to exit the apartment, all having quickly dressed into clothes except Olivia who was still in her sweatpants, an oversized shirt and slippers. Melanie was carrying both Olivia and Alex's hospital bags, with  _Oey's_  bag inside Alex's bag; and Kelly had her leather medical bag as a precaution.

Alex checked her watch as she locked the door, "That's... just on 5 minutes apart."

"Ok. I'd estimate possibly 2-3 hours until delivery, but babies arrive when  _they_  want, so it could be less than an hour!" Kelly replied. "We better hustle."

Mel held the elevator while they waited for Olivia's contraction to pass before going down to the garage. Kelly waited with Olivia as Alex and Mel went to bring the car closer.

"Where's your Prius?" Mel looked around for the sedan, failing to see it in the vicinity.

"Got a new car," Alex pointed the keys and the lights on a new 2013 Lexus LX SUV flashed. "Seriously, if you want a new car, talk to Vanessa. She knows how to get a  _great_  deal on cars. It's last year's model but with what I got off by trading the Prius in, the deal was too good to refuse."

Once they had stowed the bags, Alex held the keys out to Mel, "Would you... do you mind driving us? I think I'm too nervous to get there safely."

Mel took the keys, "Sure. Which maternity hospital are we going to?"

"Mount Sinai."

Melanie reserved the car over to Olivia and Kelly, then set the GPS while Alex and Kelly helped Olivia into the rear passenger side. Kelly hopped in the rear driver's side in case Olivia's labour progress changed dramatically, and Alex rode shotgun. As Melanie exited the apartment's garage, another contraction began. For the first time, Olivia cried out in pain as the contraction seemed to rip through her lower body. Alex turned in her seat and offered Liv her hand in support, which the brunette took. Olivia would loved to have had Alex beside her, but was grateful to have Kelly close at hand as well. If the Leonards hadn't of arrived on their doorstep 8 hours earlier, Olivia wondered if she would be giving birth on the bathroom floor as she concentrated on her breathing.

Turning back around and seeing where the SUV headed, Alex barked, "Where the  _HELL_ are you taking us?!"

"The hospital, where else?" Mel replied with hint of defensiveness as she proceeded through the intersection.

"You're going the  _WRONG_ way!"

"No I'm  _not_!"

"Yes, you  _are_!"

"Hey! You said  _MOUNT SINAI_! So I typed in  _MOUNT SINAI_ to the GPS location finder and started following the directions Miss Smooth Voice told me! If I'm not going the way  _you_  normally go, I can't help that because I'm not from around here, remember."

" _ROOSEVELT_! Mount Sinai  _ROOSEVELT_! You're heading to _ST LUKE'S_ , we need to get to  _ROOSEVELT_!"

"WHAT?!"

"You're heading north along  _AMSTERDAM_ and we're  _SUPPOSED_ to be heading south along  _COLUMBUS_!"

Mel was incredulous, "There's  _MORE_ than one Mount Sinai hospital in Manhattan?!  _FUCKING HELL_! Get me the revolving dash light!"

Alex felt her own ire growing, "There's a number Mount Sinai's in Manhattan now! There's  _MOUNT SINAI_ , Mount Sinai  _ST LUKE'S_ , Mount Sinai  _ROOSEVELT_... there's also Mount Sinai  _BETH ISREA_ L! And we  _DON'T_  have a revolving dash light!"

"What sort of _FUCKED UP_  metropolis has more than one hospital with the same  _FUCKING_ name! And why the  _HELL_ don't you have a revolving dash light?!"

"There was a merger back in September among the hospitals, and we  _DON'T_  have a dash light because this isn't a  _FUCKING_ squad car!"

" _FEMME_!" Kelly snapped before Melanie could say anything else.

" _ALEX_!" Olivia chastised as the same time. The brief silence in the car was broken when Olivia continued, "Mel... Mount Sinai Roosevelt... 10th Avenue and West 59th Street... if we get pulled over... the NYPD will help... a fellow officer."

Mel turned onto West 100th Street, then onto Columbus Avenue, heading back towards West 59th Street as fast as she could.

Kelly said to Olivia, "I thought _I_  had a feisty woman."

"You should... see mine... in court... ...feisty... and sassy."

"Must be a blonde thing," Kelly laughed.

" _HEY_!" Alex and Mel cried simultaneously.

"I think... you're right," Olivia puffed with a hint of cheekiness.

" _HEY_!" the blondes said again at the same time.

* * *

"My fiancée Olivia Benson, who was due almost a week ago, is in labour. We've pre-registered here at Mount Sinai Roosevelt and her OBGYN is Doctor Fuller," Alex thrust the duplicate paperwork at the young nurse sitting at the Nurse's station.

"Why didn't you call to let us know you were on your way?" the young nurse asked, scanning the paperwork. "And Doctor Fuller is with another patient right now."

Having a sneaking suspicion that the young woman was only days into the job as a nurse, Kelly tried not to roll her eyes, "We thought it best to get here immediately because Olivia was 7 centimetres dilated when we left the apartment. Her contractions are  _now_  70 seconds long and every 3 minutes apart."

The young nurse looked the salt and pepper haired woman up and down as she entered the information for Liv's ID bracelet, "And  _you_  are?"

"Doctor Kelly Leonard..." Kel showed her doctor photo ID from the Winthrop Medical Centre, "... and before you point out the obvious, no I'm not a doctor from Mount Sinai Roosevelt Hospital. However, I'm an emergency doctor from the state of Maine. My NPI number is 2307197440, which you can check on the NPPES website to verify my credentials and I'm  _sure_  you'll do so. While  _you_  do that, could you let us know which room will be Olivia's?"

The nurse attached the now printed ID bracelet to Olivia's wrist, "Ms Benson has been assigned Room 9. I'll have a midwife in as soon as possible to fit Olivia with a feotal monitor and insert an IV for fluids. In the mean time, there are ice chips in the freezer compartment of the small fridge in the room. I'll also remind you that you can  _only_  have 2 people in the room, apart from your OB-"

"Thankyou!" Kelly hastily cut off the nurse as the group of 4 headed for Room 9, before muttering under her breath, "And  _that_  rule only applies when the OBGYN  _gets_  in the room, and they're about as prompt as lab results."

While Melanie unpacked Olivia, Alex and _Oey's_  bags, Alex helped Olivia change into a hospital maternity gown that did up at the back with press snaps, but also had snaps on either side at the front near the collarbones to allow for skin to skin contact and breastfeeding, and Kelly hastily hooked began making notations on the unused charts near the door. Even though doing that was more than likely out of Kelly's jurisdiction seeing this wasn't 'her' hospital, the more Olivia's OBGYN knew when she finally arrived, the better for everyone concerned. The emergency doctor also took the initiative to hook Olivia up to a pulse monitor sensor via her left index finger while they waited.

"Al... m'back... low..." Liv groaned as she leant her forehead and right forearm against the wall as another contraction began. She could feel the tension slowly subside as Alex rubbed slow circles on the small of her back, just like they had seen and practiced while viewing the birthing DVD's. Olivia blindly reached her left hand out and grabbed Alex's left hand before guiding their combined hands to her swollen stomach. Alex was in awe at the strong movements rippling through Liv's abdomen but continued to whisper words of encouragement.

Once the contraction had subsided, Olivia shuffled around and loosely wrapped her arms around Alex's neck before burying her face in the curve of the blonde's neck. She slowly began rocking from side to side to help find a comfortable position for her hips, "Thirsty."

"I'll get you some ice chips," Alex responded, trying to extract herself.

"Doooon't goooo!" Liv whined pitifully. "Staaaay."

Before the ADA could ask, the Sheriff was already preparing a cup of ice chips with a splash of water, a straw and a spoon.

"Thankyou... and sorry about earlier in the car," Alex said, taking the cup from Melanie.

"Already forgotten," Mel waved away the apology. "But seriously, a handful of hospitals  _all_  named Mount Sinai... that's damn lunacy!"

Alex addressed the Sheriff as she passed the cup to Olivia, "I don't disagree with you there."

"Cabot..." Olivia sipped the small amount of water in the cup as she leant bodily against Alex, "... you're lucky."

"Oh?" Alex quirked an eyebrow in curiosity.

"I can't blame you... I can't say  _'you did this to me'._ "

Alex whispered into Liv's ear, "Will I get to blame Joe if I get pregnant?"

"I don't see why no- _ooooooh_ ," Liv groaned again as she felt  _Oey_  move.

"I wish I could take your pain away right now," sympathised the ADA.

"This pain is on par with what Lewis did... ... and just like what Lewis did... ...this pain is worth it in the end too- _ooo_ ," Liv placed the cup down just in time as other contraction began.

"Melanie," Kelly beckoned her wife over, "Can you go and see how much longer for that feotal monitor."

Mel had barely taken a few steps outside the room before returning. She muttered 2 words into Kelly's ear when the salt and pepper haired woman gave her a quizzical look, "Code Blue."

"What?!" Kelly rushed to the door and peered up and down the corridors. There, 4 doors down to the left was a blue strobe light flashing outside one of the birthing suites.

Code Blue.

Respiratory or cardiac arrest.

The door was flung open and the bed was pushed towards the elevators by 2 nurses. A female doctor was using a manual resuscitator on the woman in the bed and another nurse was trying to calm the distressed man wanting to follow.

Another nurse rushed to a phone on the nearby wall, picked up the handset and pressed a single button, "Dr Fuller is on her way up!"

"Oh dear lord," Kelly said under her breath. She guided Mel back into the room, struggling not to offer assistance seeing an emergency situation was her specialty. So many times at Augusta General had 'Code Blue' occurred, it was almost a daily situation and got the adrenaline pumping. Now at Winthrop Medical Centre, emergencies still happened, but not as often as they used to. Transferring to Winthrop was also one of the deciding factors for Kelly to slow down and not burn out as some of her old colleagues did.

"Doc!" Olivia's voice called out as the door closed, "Wanna push!"

Right now, Doctor Kelly Leonard had her own situation to deal with. Whilst giving birth wasn't an emergency in itself, things could change rapidly in the blink of an eye.

Kelly began washing her hands at the sink near the door, "Liv, _don't_  push until I've checked your dilation again."

"Where's Liv's doctor?" Alex asked.

"She's right here," Kel looked back over her shoulder with a grin.

"But Doctor Fuller-"

"Is  _busy_ ," was all Kelly responded with. "What? Don't you trust me, Alex? I  _have_  delivered a few babies over the years. Mel, get some disposable underpads from that grey trolley with the drawers and put them on the bed, then help Alex get Olivia on to the bed."

Olivia kept her breathing exercises going as Kelly dried her hands again, put on a disposable gown from her medical bag and a new pair of latex gloves. She hoped she could push because the urge to do so was growing more and more with each contraction. Both blondes, Alex on her right side and Mel on her left, guided Olivia to the bed helped her get comfortable in the low Fowler's position. She kept a tight grip on Alex's right hands with her own right as Alex brushed the hair out of Olivia's eyes.

"Mel," Olivia wiggled her fingers of her left hand to indicate she wanted the Sheriff to be part of this too. She saw Melanie point to herself in a 'who me?' kind of way, and responded with a firm nod. It was the perfect combination of special people in the room for Olivia Benson. The woman she loved and was going to marry, the woman who had rescued her, and the woman who had told her she was pregnant.

Her fiancée, her best friends.

Mama and Special Aunts of  _Oey_.

After placing a towel on Olivia's torso, Kelly flipped up the end of Olivia's gown to the brunette's hips and paused, "You can start pushing whenever you're ready, Liv. I don't need to check dilation."

"Huh?"

" _Oey's_  just starting to crown. Can Alex and Mel help hold your legs open so it's easier for you to bare down and push?" Kelly asked, pulling the blue covered mobile tray of medical instruments closer then uncovering them, content in the knowledge that those items wouldn't have been arranged as they were had they not already been sterilised in an autoclave.

Liv nodded without hesitation. She trusted everyone in the room with her life, and the life of her soon to be born daughter.

"Are you ready?" Kelly confirmed.

"Uh-huh," Olivia tightened her grip on both blonde's hands. She tilted her head to the right to look at Alex's blue eyes as a point of focus.

Kelly began, "Alright then, Liv. Deep breath... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... and exhale... ...Again, deep breath... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... and exhale... ...Once more, deep breath... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... exhale... and take a little break, Liv. Alex, would you like to take a look?"

"Liv, I can see her some of her head!" Alex hurried pressed a featherlight kiss to the back of Olivia's hand, "Doing great, baby."

"Mommy, are you ready to push again?" Kelly prompted.

"Yeah," Olivia grunted, trying to regain her breath. She regripped the firm grasp she had on Alex and Melanie's hands and prepared to push again.

Kelly explained gently, "It's going to burn a little now because the widest part of  _Oey_ 's head is going to come through, but I doubt very much that you're going to tear or need an episiotomy. Ok, deep breath... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... and exhale... ...Deep breath again... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... and exhale... ...One more time for me, deep breath... hold it, and push! 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1!... exhale... and her head is out."

The emergency doctor checked that the umbilical cord hadn't wrapped around  _Oey_ 's neck because she knew that the statistics for nuchal cord to occur during labour was up to a third of all births.

"Liv, now a little push for the shoulders... and again... here she comes!... ...Time of birth... 2.15am," Kelly noted aloud, placing a  _Oey_ up onto Olivia's chest for skin to skin contact after Alex hastily unclipped the snaps, then covering the newborn with the towel. It was so uplifting for the salt and pepper haired woman to say a time of birth, rather than declaring a time of death.

An exhausted Olivia placed her hands protectively over her daughter's back, cradling  _Oey_ closer to her body. She looked down at the slate grey eyes looking back at her before  _Oey_  closed them again. Covered in vernix, and with a head of wispy darkish hair, a piercing cry came from _Oey_. After all the screaming she had heard in the cabin from Vanessa and herself, Olivia thought she'd never want to hear any more screaming in her life... but this, a baby's cry, was music to her ears.  _Oey_  wailed for a few moments longer before Olivia soothed her, her tiny fingers trying to grasp Olivia's upper chest. To Olivia, it looked like  _Oey_  had smiled at her for a moment. Liv knew it wasn't possible at only seconds old, but noone could convince her otherwise.

With tears welling in her eyes, Olivia looked up at Alex, "You know what day it is, don't you?"

"I know exactly what day it is... I could  _never_  forget," Alex blinked away her own tears. "And it's only fitting that  _Oey_  was born on this day."

Liv smiled, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mama."

Alex pressed a long, heartfelt kiss to Olivia's forehead then her lips, "Happy Valentine's Day, Mommy."

Mel didn't mask her confusion, " _Valentine's Day_?! You  _do_  realise that was 2 days ago, because it's February 16 now."

"February 16 is  _our_  Valentine's Day... and  _Oey_  is the best Valentine's Day gift imaginable," was all Alex replied with.

Exactly 9 years ago to date, February 16 2005, Olivia and Alex had been intimate for the first time in that small motel room during the Connors trial.

Today, 9 years later to date, February 16 2014, Olivia and Alex had just become their own little family with the birth of their daughter.

"Kel, don't you clamp and cut the cord now?" Mel asked her wife, still not too sure about Olivia and Alex's explanation about _'their Valentine's Day_ ', but figured the specific date meant something to them.

Kelly explained, "Some doctors clamp and cut immediately, but I believe a few minutes delay is better because  _Oey_  is still absorbing that cord blood." She addressed Alex, "Don't worry, you'll still get to cut the cord, if that's what you want."

"Definitely," Alex confirmed as she brushed the pad of her finger over  _Oey_ 's head. "Hi, baby! I've only just met you, but I'm even more in love with you than I thought possible. Mommy and I are going to try and be the best mommies we can be... Also, I know 2 of your special aunts are even  _more_  special now because they helped you into the world, and I don't think Mommy and I will ever be able to thank them enough."

"A little cuddle later on will be payment enough," Mel bartered.

"Speaking of special aunts and uncles, we need to tell Joe, Rafael, Vanessa and Alan." Alex pulled out her phone from her jeans pocket, "Want to show them instead?"

Olivia nodded slowly, "I like that idea. It'll be a nice surprise for them to wake up to. But we know Doom, Rafael and Nessa will get here as soon as visiting hours begin."

Once a first baby photo was taken and sent by Alex, Kelly handed Alex the umbilical cord scissors after clamping with forceps and a plastic umbilical clip, with Melanie having the honours of taking the photo.

Around 5 minutes later, the door to the birthing suite opened. In bustled an older woman, "Alright Ms Benson, my name's Celia and I'll be the midwife assisting with your birth. I have a feotal monitor and-"

Kelly interrupted, "Sadly  _Celia_ , you're about 10 minutes too late. Although, I wouldn't mind if you could examine the condition of the placenta. I couldn't see anything wrong with it, but it's always good to get another opinion. Then if you could point me in the direction of the on duty Head of Obstetrics, I think I'll have the answers to the questions he or she will want to ask me, and fill out any paperwork I need to. And I'd also like to make sure my patient  _isn't_  overcharged by the hospital or by her OBGYN for any procedures that _weren't_  performed."

* * *

Olivia exited the bathroom after taking a well deserved shower. It had been a little over 4 hours since she had given birth but it didn't feel like it to the brunette. She had fallen asleep while breastfeeding  _Oey_ for the first time and slept for 3 hours uninterrupted, but it had only seemed like a power nap to the new mother. It was during this time that  _Oey_  had been weighed, measured, and had her first bath with Alex assisting the midwife. Then her vitamin K shot, her hepatitis B vaccination and erythromycin eye ointment was administered, before being dressed in a pale pink and white sleep suit and matching baby hat that Gloria had purchased.

The one thing Olivia wanted to know when Alex said  _Oey_  had been weighed was: how much?

A petite 6 pounds, 2 ounces.

19 inches long.

Add that to the AGPAR score of 9, their daughter was without a doubt their little bundle of joy.

Alex had sent the photos via text after Kelly had left to talk to the Head of Obstetrics, and Doom had called immediately. He was on duty at the time, but reassured he and Rafael would be there around 7am once his shift finished. John and Nick were also aware of  _Oey_ 's birth being in the squad room at the time the text arrived. Vanessa had also called, saying she had been awake at the time of receiving the text, and would also visit around 7am before work. Alex had able to negotiate that Joe, Rafael and Vanessa could visit before normal visiting hours seeing they were family members.

Leaning against the door frame, Liv watched lovingly as Alex sat in the rocking chair with their daughter swaddled in a blanket in her arms, rocking slowly and humming the 'Mr Softee' song. She watched Alex watching over their daughter for some time before she approached, "Interesting tune."

Continuing to rock, Alex looked up with a smile, "It's was the only thing that would settle her while she was away from you."

"We did hum it to her on numerous occasions," Olivia commented, not willing to admit just how many times she had hummed it while she had been working on her recovery after Alex had returned to work back in October. "Where's Mel?"

"Gone to find some breakfast... and see how much longer Kelly will be. She thinks Kelly's probably talking shop like law enforcement officers to when they get together, and has forgotten the time."

"Sounds familiar." Olivia sat on the edge of the bed, "I like this image. I can definitely get used to it."

"What do you mean?"

"You holding our daughter like you are. I can't wait to see you feed her with a bottle for the first time after I've expressed some milk for her."

"We'll work towards that when we get home and settle into a routine. In the mean time, let her breastfeed..." Alex paused as  _Oey_  began to cry, "... like she might want to do now?"

Alex got up from the rocking chair as Olivia unbuttoned her blouse and unclipped the cup of her maternity bra. She sat down beside Liv waited until  _Oey_  was latched and feeding before asking, "What does it feel like?"

"It's..." Olivia pondered how to describe what it felt like, "... odd, but nice. I will say it's completely different to what you do to me in the bedroom."

"Really?"

"Trust me, it is. You might assume it's the same, but there's  _no_  comparison between what you do and what  _Oey_ 's doing now."

Alex continued to watch mother and daughter bond, "We have to decide on  _Oey_ 's first name."

"We do. Let's talk about it now."

* * *

Melanie rounded the corner to the small hospital café on the ground floor near the entrance and saw her wife leaning back against the wall, looking skywards.

"There you are! I've been looking all over for you. I didn't think talking to the Head of Obstetrics would take so long."

"It didn't," Kelly's voice croaked.

Mel reached her hand out and touched Kelly's bicep, "Babe? Are you alright?"

"It's just... " Kelly tapped her fingertip of her left hand to her chest as she struggled valiantly to keep her emotions in check, but her chin began to wobble. Without a single word having been said, Melanie knew what Kelly was trying to say because the Sheriff had seen this non verbal conversation before.

"I know it hurts your heart, Kel. It hurts mine too," Mel placed her right hand over her wife's hand, interlacing their fingers together as her left arm wrapped around Kelly's waist. The birth of  _Oey_  had brought back memories of their loss of David, just like it had after the birth of their niece. Neither women were bitter that Olivia and Alex had just become mothers, because they were mothers too... no matter how briefly their son had been in their lives. They stood there for several minutes, their embrace reassuring the other that they would be there for the other no matter what.

"You did good today, Doctor Leonard." Mel pressed a soft kiss to Kelly's temple, "I wouldn't have known what to do to help Olivia."

"Melanie, you would've called me and I would've walked you through it, or you would've called 911."

"In all these years, you never even helped Heather deliver any of the kids. I think she might be jealous that you got to deliver Olivia and Alex's daughter."

"Probably," Kelly agreed with a chuckle.

"Are you going to be ok, babe?"

"I think so. I've had a good cry for now. There might be some more tears here and there over the next few days, but I'll be alright. What about  _you_?"

"Same, but I'll be alright...  _we'll_ be alright."

"Hey! It's the Doc and Sheriff!" Doom called out as he, Rafael and Vanessa approached from the entrance. "Great to see you lovely ladies again!"

"Likewise!" Mel agreed.

The friends greeted each other warmly with hugs, informing the Winthrop duo that they had met up in the parking lot only a few minutes earlier. They chatted for a few minutes before the Winthrop duo let them head towards the maternity floor, saying they would be up in a couple of minutes too as they needed some breakfast.

Kelly stifled a laugh as they entered the café.

Mel said, "What?"

"I don't know what it is, but Doom reminds me of..." Kelly trailed off.

"Of?"

"A taller, more muscular version of Bradley... if Bradley didn't get a buzzcut like he does these days."

"I know, right! Doom's like... a big, gay Brad!" Mel laughed heartily, then stopped as fast as she had begun. "Don't you  _dare_  tell my brother I said that."

"That'll cost you, honey."

"What like?"

Kelly have Melanie's ass a generous squeeze, "I'll think of something."

* * *

_"I'm sorry I'm not there to see her in person,"_  Alan said, sitting at his desk at the Winthrop Sheriff station with both Papi and  _Phalène_  on his lap and his smartphone propped up against his coffee cup in front of him. _"I'm staying with Vanessa at Easter, but I'll try and get down there earlier... if my boss let's me."_

"Your boss is not listening right now because she's still in vacation mode!" Melanie, hugging Kelly from behind, sing songed at the smartphone Vanessa was holding. "Speak to her when she's back at work later in the week!"

"So, we're all here... in some capacity. Don't keep us in suspense any longer Cabot and Benson! What's my little niece's name?" Doom prompted, his arm draped across Rafael's shoulders.

Liv looked up Alex from the rocking chair, "You tell them, sweetheart."

"Olivia and I mutually decided that  _Oey's_  name is..." Alex looked down at the sleeping baby in Olivia's arms, "... Zoë Brianna Cabot-Benson."

Kelly dug her wife in the ribs with her elbow, "Ha! You owe me $50."

"You were betting on  _Oey_ 's name?!" Rafael questioned.

"Maybe?" Kelly chewed on her bottom lip. "It was Mel's idea."

"Liar!" Melanie scoffed.

"I was sure her name was going to be Chloe!" Vanessa commented, still in awe of the tiny hand that had grasped her finger a short while ago.

Alex mused, "Well, you never know... maybe there could be a Chloe one day in the future?"

_**A little ray of sunshine!** _   
_**I want to know if you think she looks good in the pink,** _   
_**That grandma has bought her... Our own little daughter!** _   
_**She can make you feel good,** _   
_**She can make you feel that it's all worthwhile,** _   
**_Only by her smile, only by her smile._   ~ Axiom (A Little Ray Of Sunshine)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please, please, please remember that the other name HASN'T been disregarded, just trust me on that ;-).


	64. Chapter 64

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Olivia's Sergeant number is yet/was never officially confirmed in the show, I'm going out on a limb and using the number I believe it is from the few photos I've seen. If it's proven to be different at a later time, I'll change it. Fin's Sergeant number is, of course, unofficial ;-) There is a small scene of dialogue from 'Surrender Benson' featured in this chapter, so credit to Warren Leight and Julie Martin. I make no apologies for the M rating of this chapter because of beautiful lady loving that happens to occur ;-)

"Zoë... ...peek a boo!"

The 8 week old kicked her legs and cooed in response as her Mama's face reappeared from behind the receiving blanket covered with yellow ducks. But then her Mama disappeared again. Where did Mama go? Her little brow furrowed in confusion as the receiving blanket covered her.

"Zoë... ...peek a boo!"

She flailed her little fists and gave a gummy smile in return when her Mama appeared again, giving her a toothy grin.

Alex carefully flipped the light blanket over Zoë's face again for a few moments before sing songing her daughter's name once more. This was the current ritual that occurred after a diaper change during the daytime. The blonde was relieved to see Zoë much happier now than she had been earlier in the day, due to the fact that Zoë had received her first major round of immunisation injections this morning. Both Olivia and Alex had struggled to remain calm as Zoë cried for a few minutes, but they knew those few minutes of upset was worth it. For Alex, immunisation was a no brainer because her uncle, Bill Harriman, had suffered the effects of polio as a boy before the polio vaccine was developed in the 1950's. As a child, Alex remembered seeing a black and white photograph of her uncle wearing a caliper on his left leg and leaning on a pair of wooden crutches with her mother standing beside him. These days, her uncle still relied on a walking cane for his mobility.

Zoë had lost 6 ounces from her initial birth weight, but had put it all back on within 2 weeks of being born. She now weighed 8 ½ pounds and had grown to 22 inches long. The paediatrician had hoped Zoë would be weighing 9 pounds by now, but was happy with her overall progress, especially when Olivia pointed out that Zoë was feeding more frequently the previous week due to a growth spurt. Her umbilical stump had fallen off at 8 days old, and at 6 weeks, she gave both Olivia and Alex her first smile during her bath.

Alex looked down at the slate grey eyes looking up at her, then pressed a tiny kiss to Zoë's cheek yet overemphasised with a loud _'mwah'_. The result was another round of cooing and babbling from the 8 week old. She wondered if Zoë's would change to be as dark as Olivia's brown eyes, and how long it would take. But until such time, she would relish the colour that they were. She double checked that the snaps on the cow print diaper cover were snug then snapped the body suit closed before putting Zoë's legs back in the dark and light teal striped sleepsuit that featured a pink cat face on the front. Today had already been a big day, but it was only going to get bigger. She and Olivia had experienced their share of sleepless nights, and Olivia a painful bout of mastitis due to engorgement 3 weeks after Zoë's birth, but were now settled into a routine.

The ADA picked up Zoë from the change table and cradled the infant to her chest, her hand delicately caressing the back of Zoë's head. Zoë's hair was still as wispy as the day she was born, but seemed to be a few shades darker these days. Her olive skin was just like her Mommy, but only time would tell if Zoë would be a carbon copy of Olivia, or if she had any of Brian's physical characteristics. Alex carried her back over to the activity mat on the floor a short distance away to fill in the time while they waited. She placed Zoë down and pressed the button to the musical star on the crossbars before she shifted the stuffed moose and Maine Coon grey tabby cat off the floor and back to the baby crib. The Leonards had stayed until February 19, helping cook up numerous meals, do laundry, change diapers, and assist with bath time so new mothers wouldn't feel overwhelmed as they adjusted to their new lives. Alex had wondered if Zoë's birth had stirred up painful memories for Kelly and Melanie, knowing what had happened to their son those ears ago. She knew deep down it would've, but the Sheriff and Doctor had hidden it well during their stay.

Alex got down on the floor and toyed with the plush puppy hanging from the crossbar. "Hello, Zoë!... Zoë, Hello!"

" _...eeh-loh..._ " Zoë babbled back, attempting to reach for the soft, baby-safe mirror.

"Oh my god!" Alex's eyes widened in shock. "Liv! OLIVIA! COME QUICK!"

Moments later, Olivia rushed to the nursery trying not to convey her panic, but the worry was audible in her voice, "What's wrong, Alex?!"

Alex looked up to see Olivia standing at the door, dressed in her navy dress uniform button down shirt, attempting to tie her dress uniform tie. Liv's hair had been lightly trimmed and was almost sitting on her shoulders these days. Blue eyes travelled down to see the edges of Olivia's black cotton boy shorts peeking out from the hem of her shirt. Her breath quickened and she felt a pleasant throb between her legs at the sight before her. If this was how she was reacting now, how would she react when she saw Olivia in her full dress uniform for the Sergeants promotion? She was pulled from her thoughts by Liv repeating her name, "Hmm?"

"What's the panic?" Olivia prompted, trying to decipher Alex's smile while she passed the wide tail of the tie over the top.

"Zoë just said  _'hello'_!"

Liv began to thread the tie through the loop, "Sweetheart, Zoë's 8 weeks old. There is _no_  way she could've said anything to you."

"I'm  _telling_  you, she said  _'hello'_  back to me after I said it to her. Isn't that right, Zoë?"

Zoë just cooed in response, waving her little arms again with a smile.

Olivia adjusted the knot of her tie then got down on the floor on the other side of the activity mat, "I think Mama's just getting a bit excited because she loves you just as much as Mommy loves you, Zoë! Yes, we love you! We love you!"

" _...eeh-uv-ooo..._ " Zoë gurgled before raising her fist to her mouth.

Olivia looked at Alex, "She just said  _'I love you'_ ,"

"I thought you just said there is _no_  way she could've said anything because she's only 8 weeks old," Alex mocked with a cheeky grin.

"Well, it was more like baby noise that  _sounded_  like words than _actual_  words." Olivia looked back down and saw the subtle cue her daughter was giving, "What I  _do_  know is  _someone_  is getting hungry again. C'mon baby, let's get you fed before I finish getting dressed."

Alex watched as Olivia carefully picked up Zoë, then got to her feet. She expected Olivia to go the nursing chair just a few feet away, not head towards the nursery door.

"C'mon Mama," Liv prompted.

"Where are we-"

"Bedroom. I want to feed her like we do at night seeing we're going to be apart for some time today... especially after the ceremony."

Alex got to her feet, interlaced her fingers with Olivia's and lead the way to their bedroom. She understood what Olivia was alluding to. After the promotion ceremony this afternoon, April 14, Joe Dumas would be taking Zoë for 2 hours so the new mothers could have some time together to be 'Alex and Olivia' and not 'Mama and Mommy'. In doing so, it would also be giving Doom and Rafael some 'uncle time'. Olivia had been given the all clear by her OBGYN to resume sexual activity at her postpartum checkup 6 weeks after giving birth, having lochia for a little over 4 weeks. But now at 8 weeks postpartum, nothing more than kissing, cuddling and heavy petting had occurred since that failed attempt after their romantic date back on January 3. However, it had been Olivia's suggestion just last week that she and Alex might resume their steps of intimacy this afternoon. Alex remembered Olivia had gripped her hand just as firmly when the OBGYN checked her cervix during the postpartum examination as she had when Kelly had checked for dilation, but not matter what would or perhaps wouldn't happen later today, it would be all at Olivia's pace.

The garment bag containing Olivia's dress coat was unzipped and hanging on the handle of the closet door, her 8 point hat and white cotton parade gloves on the beside chair, and her high gloss Oxford dress shoes on the floor. The Sergeant stripes had been added to the forearm Olivia's coat and the chevrons to her button down shirt. The old '16' gold collar insignias had been replaced with 'SVU' gold insignias, and the citation holder on Olivia's dress coat had been upgraded from having her old detective shield to now carry her new Sergeant shield.

While she would permanently carry the brutal scar of her detective shield on her right scapula, she would no longer be Detective number 4015 within the New York Police Department. In just a little over 90 minutes time, Olivia Benson would officially become NYPD Sergeant number 01139. At the same time, Fin would cease to be Detective number 3198 and instead be elevated to Sergeant number 01958.

The thing that had upset Olivia the most was that her dress uniform pants wouldn't zip or button up when she tried them on last night. She had been hovering close to a breakdown because she was convinced there wouldn't be enough time to buy a new pair and have them altered to the correct length, and that she was now overweight. Alex had reminded her that she'd given birth to their daughter just 2 months ago, that her womanly curves were perfect just like the brunette was, and noone would ever know if she used the maternity belt extender to help with the 2 inch gap that was currently taunting her. Liv had felt absurd having got so upset over something so trivial, but was grateful that Alex was the one that was able to help her through her mini crisis.

After passing Zoë to Alex, Olivia sat down on the bed and got comfortable in the middle. She flipped her tie over her shoulder, unbuttoned her shirt and unclipped the cup of her bra, then took Zoë back. Alex grabbed a pillow out of the way before she situated herself behind Olivia so the brunette could lean back slightly against the ADA's chest. This was Olivia's way to include Alex in the intimate breastfeeding bond since they had returned from the hospital after Zoë's birth. Placing the pillow on Olivia's lap, Alex watched as Olivia positioned Zoë's body so mother and daughter were stomach to stomach. On the 4th attempt, Zoë latched properly on the right breast. While Olivia had mastitis, Alex had fed Zoë with the bottle and Olivia's expressed milk. Now, the routine was Alex would feed a bottle of expressed breast milk to Zoë for the first night feed to allow Olivia more time to sleep.

Olivia felt Alex rest her chin gently on her right shoulder to look down at slate grey eyes looking up at them both. Liv turned her head and gently kissed the blonde's cheek before receiving an undemanding kiss on her lips from Alex in return.

* * *

The NYPD Sergeants Promotion Ceremony had meant to take place after the official opening of the new Police Academy at College Point. However, due to major delays in construction from Superstorm Sandy and a massive blaze requiring 25 units and 106 members of the NYFD to bring the fire under control, it meant the anticipated official opening at the Queens facility had been pushed back to July 2014 (although the rumour mill was swirling that even July 2014 for its official opening was debatable). Even so, the NYPD chose to push ahead and have the promotion ceremony at the new facility to save face instead of the usual ceremony at 1 Police Plaza.

Captain Donald Cragen, in full dress uniform, looked around the sea of dress blues and civillians in an attempt to calm his nerves. As Captain and the Commanding Officer, he had been allowed to attend the promotion ceremony with a guest, yet noone in attendance today knew his guest. Then again, he had only become reacquainted with his 'plus one' since the end of February. He was so proud of Olivia and Fin on reaching the rank Sergeant and was honoured to be able to see them get their stripes. He initially had wondered if he'd overstepped the mark to make Liv and Fin take the exam, but he knew they both had the knowledge, fortitude, experience and nous to not only sit, but pass the Sergeants exam.

A hand gently touching his arm pulled him from his musings, "Found you!"

"I'm so glad you could make it!" Cragen smiled broadly. He went to place a kiss on the woman's cheek but stopped himself when he saw 4 members of the SVU squad approaching. He saw the raised eyebrows, discreet looks and hushed comments being shared, but he didn't care. Don was well aware that he didn't know everything about the private lives of those approaching, or the entire squad for that matter, just like they didn't know everything about his. However, a small part of that was going to change in the next few moments.

"Captain," Fin acknowledged on behalf of himself and the others.

Don took charge of the introductions before anyone could ask any questions, "Allow me to introduce an old but recently reacquainted friend of mine... this is Eileen Switzer. Eileen, this is Sergeant Odafin Tutuola... Detective Joe Dumas... Sergeant Olivia Benson... and Assistant District Attorney Alexandra Cabot. They're all integral members of Manhattan's Special Victims Unit... and this little one strapped to Alex's chest is my honourary granddaughter Zoë Cabot-Benson."

"I've heard so much about each of you!" Eileen commented after the introductions. She saw the looks of surprise among the squad members, "And I have a strong suspicion that none of you know anything about me. Why not, Donald?"

"I-I can explain," Don turned to Eileen.

Olivia elucidated, "Eileen, you have to understand... an SVU squad is quite different from other squads, like say... Major Case or White Collar, because the cases we deal with are very personal for all involved. And even though our work lives and personal lives can intertwine among squad members through strong friendships and even relationships from time to time, we  _all_  like to keep parts of our personal lives private."

While she rocked slightly from side to side to keep Zoë asleep in the baby carrier, Alex added, "While it would've been lovely to know of you before today, Eileen, we're all truly please to meet you. Please don't see it as a poor reflection on Don's character for not saying anything about you to us. We can assure you he didn't do it to be ashamed, rude or selfish."

"I'll forgive Donald this time," Eileen reassured.

"Fin, who are your 2 guests?" Cragen asked. He could see that Olivia's guests to see her promotion were Alex and Doom. He also knew none of the other SVU members were in attendance today having been at the precinct earlier.

"Ken and Alejandro," Fin replied. "They held back leaving on their honeymoon so they could see the ceremony."

While the group waited for Ken and Alejandro to arrive, Don and Eileen took the time to explain that they had known each other in their younger years but were involved with other people at the time. Each had lost contact and then gone on to marry other people, Don to Marge, and Eileen to Walter, who had passed away 10 years earlier. A chance meeting at the Stiles Farmer's Market on 52nd Street at a sweet and savoury preserves stall had reunited the old friends. Noone dared to ask if there was anything more than friendship between Don and Eileen, but it was clear to Olivia, Alex, Fin and Doom that a weight lifted off of Cragen's shoulders. They all knew the SVU Captain deserved happiness after all these years alone since Marge's passing. After Ken and Alejandro arrived, another round of introductions were performed with a few minutes of chatter before Olivia gave Alex a discreet kiss and a tiny peck on a still sleeping Zoë's head just as she and Fin departed to assemble with the rest of the Sergeants.

"Cabot, stop staring at Benson's ass!" Doom whispered as he picked up the diaper bag at Alex's feet. He was grateful that Alex and Olivia had opted for the practical black backpack with detachable cooler today instead of the floral quilted bag he had seen on a number of occasions that screamed 'Mommy diaper bag'.

"I can't help it! That uniform on Liv..." Alex could only exhale heavily as she and Joe began to make their way to their designated seats, but not before she took one last look at Olivia's backside.

Adjusting her parade gloves, Olivia asked as they walked, "Did you ever imagine this day would happen, Fin?"

"You kiddin' me?" Fin laughed and paused to place his 8 point hat on his head. "I never imagined even graduating the Academy back in the day! But I have to tell ya Liv, I wouldn't want to be promoted to Sergeant with anyone else but you... Sergeant Benson"

"Right back at ya, Sergeant Tutuola!" Liv held up her gloved fist.

"No need to be gansta, baby girl!" Fin ignored the opportunity to fistbump, instead he pulled Olivia into a congratulatory hug.

As the Sergeants were lined up in alphabetical order to repledge the NYPD oath and accept their certificates on the stage after the congratulatory speeches had occurred, there was only one niggling concern Olivia had: Would she react to the camera flash from the official photographer? She hoped she wouldn't. She hadn't reacted with the photos taken at the Leonards, or at Rafael's brownstone during Thanksgiving, nor during the photos that she and Alex had taken with Zoë, but those photos hadn't used large flashes. Even though the polaroid type camera that Lewis Williams used didn't have a large flash, the brightness was enhanced due to the dimness of that cellar.

The new mayor of New York City, Bill de Blasio, was on hand to reaffirm (or spruik, depending on which side of the 'political fence' people sat) the promises he had made during his campaign to end the stop and frisk searches during his speech, which didn't go down well with the bigwigs of 1PP. William Bratton, the reappointed New York City Police Commissioner, was also in attendance and would present each Sergeant with their Certificate of Promotion. Bratton was also the one that led the oath the for attending officers to  _'solemnly swear that they will follow the constitution of the United States, and the constitution of the State of New York, and to faithfully discharge their duties as Sergeants in the New York City Police Department, to the best of their abilities'_.

There were 4 other Sergeants that received their promotion certificates before Olivia's name was called. She heard the collective hushed murmurs within the room as she ascended the stairs. Of course everyone knew who she was. Numerous APB's and BOLO's had been issued within various law enforcement agencies in the tri-state area, and her and Vanessa's kidnapping had been all over the news. Even though the kidnapping had happened 11 months earlier, it was still relatively fresh in officers and their families memories because Olivia Benson was one of their own.

The first camera flash went off when Olivia saluted Commissioner Bratton. She maintained her composure, but her pulse quickened. The next camera flash, this time directly in her face, came when Olivia simultaneously shook Bratton's hand and accepted the framed certificate.

She stopped breathing.

She stood stock still.

She was like she was suddenly transported back  _there_  with _him_.

The pain.

The cruelty.

The torture.

The screams.

The taunting.

The unknown.

"Sergeant?"

Olivia breathing returned with a sharp gasp as Commissioner Bratton questioned quietly.

She knew she wasn't in the dimly lit cellar, chained to the wall after yet another round of torture with Lewis Williams looming over her with the polaroid camera. She was in Queens receiving her promotion to Sergeant with her family looking on.

"Commissioner," Liv acknowledged her superior just in the same hushed tone as he had as she regained her composure.

"You were the Detective that was kidnapped last year."

"That's correct," Olivia confirmed.

"I'm sure your loved ones are not only relieved, but also immensely proud of you today."

Olivia's eyes scanned the audience, immediately spying Alex who gave her a beaming smile as her hands rubbed circles on the baby carrier to soothe Zoë. To Alex's right was Joe, to her left was Cragen and Eileen, and behind the ADA was Ken and Alejandro. Brown eyes found the loving blue ones hiding behind black framed glasses again. Olivia returned the ADA's smile, "They are, Commissioner."

Bratton smiled, "Congratulations on your promotion, Sergeant Benson."

"Thankyou, sir."

Clasping her framed certificate tightly, Olivia left the stage to resume her seat and wait for Fin to receive his promotion. She chanced another look at Alex as she passed by and couldn't help but give the blonde a crooked smile.

* * *

Olivia, still in full dress blues and clasping her framed certificate, felt her heart sink. She observed Alex, who had just kissed their daughter goodbye, hand over the keys for the Lexus to Doom kerbside in front of their apartment building. It was the first time she and Alex would be apart from Zoë for any length of time since her birth, and Liv never assumed it would make her feel this way. She remembered Elliott voicing his lament when he had to be away from each his children for the very first time, but she never imagined it to feel like this. She saw Alex had the same look of sadness that she currently felt as they exchanged glances. Even though Rafael's brownstone was only on the Upper East Side, it was beginning to seem like the other side of the world for the new mothers.

"Stop worrying," Joe placated. " _Oey_  and I are gonna have a highly educational afternoon. First, we're gonna learn some  _Español_  on the online translator to try and impress Uncle Rafi. Then we'll learn from Uncle Rafi that the word placement was wrong or that there was a different word that we should've used, so he'll correct us. After that,  _Oey_  will have a musical history lesson starting with either Bruce Springsteen or Bob Seger, I haven't decided who yet."

"She's 8 weeks old, Doom."

"The perfect age to start learning about American Heartland rock, Benson! She'll have a bottle of Mommy's milk and change a diaper or 3... piece of cake!" Doom grinned before speaking with sincerity, "I won't let anything happen to my niece, Liv."

Olivia's eyes widened at Joe's use of not only her first name, but the shortened version. She couldn't recall a time Doom ever calling her that.

Joe continued, "It's just for 2 hours and you said so yourself she'll probably sleep for another half hour yet. I'll text as soon as I get to Rafi's, and when I'm about to leave to bring  _Oey_  back so I can get my car from your garage, alright?"

"Alright," Olivia relented after a moment of reconsideration and passed the frame to Alex. She climbed in the rear passenger side and gave Zoë, sound asleep in her baby capsule in the middle of the rear seats, a goodbye kiss.

"Cabot!" Doom hissed. "Stop staring!"

" _Not_  staring!" Alex scowled.

Joe scoffed, "Could've fooled me."

Olivia exited the SUV and gently closed the door. The trio exchanged goodbyes, with Olivia and Alex stayed rooted to the sidewalk as Doom drove away and the Lexus was out of sight. Hand in hand, Alex and Olivia returned to the apartment.

"You ok?" Alex asked after locking the door and placing the frame on the kitchen bench.

"Yeah," Olivia nodded, removing her 8 point hat and running her fingers through her hair. "You?"

"Same as you. I miss Zoë already, but we promised Joe... and  _ourselves_."

"That we did," Olivia stood in front of Alex and placed the hat askew on the blonde's head. Receiving a coy smile, Liv wrapped her arms around Alex's waist and pulled Alex flush against her body before capturing the ADA's lips with her own. Before the kiss got too heated, Olivia reluctantly pulled back. "I know it's not the sexist to say to you right right now, but let me go and express so I don't start lactating at the most inopportune time... or become engorged again."

Alex nodded in understanding. She remembered the pain Olivia had been in just a few weeks earlier and didn't want her to experience that again. Alex grasped the lapels of Olivia's dress coat and gave her a peck on the lips, "While you're doing that, I'll slip into something more... "

"Comfortable?"

"Revealing," Alex purred as she backed away. "Oh, and  _Sergeant_  Benson... keep those pants on when you come and find me in the bedroom.  _I_  want to be the one to take them off you."

The brunette couldn't help biting her lip to suppress a moan.

* * *

In the bathroom, Olivia wiped the clean damp washcloth over her breasts then patted them dry with a towel after having finished expressing. She had found using a manual pump cumbersome, and the thought of an electric pump seemed too much like being hooked up like a dairy cow for her liking. So Olivia settled for expressing by hand, even though it took longer. Still, there was a little over 90 minutes before Doom, who had texted as promised, would return Zoë to the apartment. Liv slipped on a grey nursing camisole with spaghetti straps then washed and dried her hands before making her way to the bedroom.

Closing the door, Liv took in the sight before her on the bed, "Not  _quite_  what I envisioned, Counsellor."

Alex, her fluffy robe on and tied at the waist, looked up from the book she was reading. She marked the page and placed the book on the bedside cabinet before padding across the room to Olivia. She draped her arms around Liv's neck then gave the brunette a soft kiss.

"Looks can be  _very_  deceiving, Sergeant."

"Never judge a book by its cover?"

"Absolutely  _not_ ," Alex shook her head lazily. " So... do you want to unwrap me to see what I'm wearing? Or do you want me to unwrap myself and show you?"

"As much as I want to unwrap you myself, I want you show me."

Alex took a few steps back and gave Olivia a sultry smile. The brunette watched in earnest as the robe fell to the floor to reveal a floral lace sheer blue baby doll négligée with matching sheer thong... so sheer that Alex's tattoos were still quite visible.

Olivia stepped closer and rubbed the hem of the fabric between her fingers, "Very nice. What do you plan to wear on our wedding night?"

"You'll find out when we get married... whenever that will be."

"One day in the future, you know that. I love the thought of Zoë being our flower girl, even if she only toddles down the aisle."

"I like the sound of that too."

"How about we get married after I retire from SVU?"

"So about... mid 2015?"

"Yeah."

"Deal!" Alex went to kiss Olivia, but the brunette tilted her head away to tease.

"Right now..." Olivia's hands shifted to knead the plaint flesh of Alex's ass. In one swift motion, Liv hoisted Alex off the ground and into her hips, "... I want you."

Instinctively, Alex wrapped her legs around Olivia's body and her arms around Liv's neck, even though she knew the brunette wouldn't let her fall. Mouths crashed together in a heated kiss as Olivia began to walk. Before too long, Alex's back was pressed against the bedroom wall. Olivia broke the kiss and trailed a line of kisses down Alex's neck and chest. Her teeth lightly tugged on the pink perky nipple still covered in sheer blue lace and was rewarded with a throaty groan. Bestowing the same attention on Alex's other nipple resulted in the same response. With Alex pressed against the wall, Olivia's hands crept up to caress the blonde's sides. Purposefully, Liv brushed her thumbs back and forth on Alex's torso to make it ripple and quiver like she knew it would. She knew she would never get tired of doing that.

"Bed," Alex panted before claiming Olivia's mouth. She felt herself being moved off the wall then being gently deposited on the edge of the bed a few moments later. Alex batted Olivia's hands away when she went to unbutton her dress pants, "I said  _I_  want to be the one to take them off you."

Olivia watched as Alex took her time to unbutton the belt extender, before feeling Alex's left hand shift beneath the waist band of her dress pants and boy shorts to give her ass a generous squeeze. With a wiggle of her hips and the assistance Alex's right hand, Olivia's dress pants fell to the floor before stepping out of them. As Liv removed her camisole, Alex planted a kiss on the  _linea nigra_  between her navel and the waist of her boy shorts.

"Open your legs for me," Liv said, then knelt down in the gap between Alex's thighs. She placed her hands behinds each of Alex's knees and pull the blonde closer to the edge of the bed.

The sudden movement made the hem of the baby doll négligée ride up, exposing the triangle of the sheer thong... not that it provided any modesty anyway. It also made Alex off balance and fall backwards. She propped herself up on her elbows so she could see her fianceé. Olivia hooked her fingers at the inner thigh of the scrap of material and pulled it to the side before she blew a long stream of air on the exposed swollen folds.

Alex whimpered at the tease while she felt her arousal grow. Another stream of air resulted in another whimper from the blonde. Alex looked down to see a twinkle in Olivia's eye as Olivia teased with yet another stream of air. She knew if Olivia kept this teasing up, she wouldn't last very long once the brunette finally touched her.

"Please!" Alex panted.

Olivia relented and dragged her tongue up Alex's slit causing the blonde's breath to hitch in surprise. Liv repeated the motion again and again before pulling Alex's clit between her lips and teased the bundle of nerves with her tongue. Hearing the telltale little noises and feeling the wobble of Alex's left thigh, Olivia knew Alex was close. Without warning, Olivia pulled away.

Alex screeched, "LIV!"

"Up," Olivia chuckled lightly and tugged at the thin strings in an attempt to remove Alex's thong.

Once removed, the brunette laved a broad lick over swollen folds before slipping firstly 2 fingers, then 3 inside Alex's core. Pumping and curling her digits to hit the spongy front wall inside, Liv alternated between sucking and teasing Alex's clitoris. As Alex's hips bucked off the bed, Olivia continued making love to Alex with her fingers and mouth until a second orgasm ripped through Alex's body.

"Wipe that smug grin off your face," Alex muttered as she cracked an eye open when she felt Olivia lay down next to her.

"Wipe it off for me!" Liv retorted with a cheeky grin.

Once she had taken off her négligée, Alex shifted to lay on top of Olivia and tasted herself on the brunette's lips and tongue as they shared a lazy kiss. Each woman relished being pressed against each other as the kiss ended. While Olivia's fingertips skated up and down her spine, Alex asked, "How long was I out?"

"Just a few seconds... long enough for me to take my underwear off for you."

"Did you now?" Alex pressed her lips to Olivia's mouth, "What would like me to do for you in return?"

"I think I still have some issues with the possibility of full penetration for the time being and I have to work through those issues, but..." Olivia looked into the loving blue eyes watching her, "Will you make love to me with your mouth?"

"Only if that's what you want me to do," replied the ADA.

"It's what I want. My safe words are  _wait_ ,  _yellow_ , _amber_ ,  _stop_ , _red_  and  _cease_... and we always end on a good note."

Reaffirming their love for each other with a long, undemanding kiss, Alex's lips nibbled their way to the sweet spot on Olivia's neck, evoking a sensuous moan from the Sergeant. Travelling down tanned skin, Alex scattered open mouthed kisses on neck, breasts and torso before slipping off the bed and kneeling between Olivia's thighs. The younger woman resumed her open mouthed kisses on Olivia's inner thighs before bestowing the most intimate kiss of all on smooth, wet folds. Alex's tongue darted out to relentlessly tease the bundle of nerves peaking out, delighting in the noises Olivia was making with every passing moment.

"Inside," Liv gasped. "Please."

Acquiescing the request, Alex pressed her tongue inside Olivia's opening, penetrating her shallowly. The hand suddenly cradling at the back of Alex's neck was indication enough that Olivia was far from panicking, and the quickening of her breath reassured the blonde further. She pressed her tongue inside again before sealing her lips around Liv's clit and began sucking.

Olivia cried out in ecstasy as her orgasm peaked, her hand gripping Alex's nape for a moment before relaxing. Alex continued to gently tease the bundle of nerves to extend Olivia's pleasure until the brunette lightly tugged on the fine hairs at the base of Alex's head in an indication to stop.

Once Olivia had pieced herself back together, both women shifted to the middle of the bed before Alex pulled the Egyptian cotton sheet up to their waists. Facing each other from their respective sides of the bed, they shared a tender kiss. A silent 'thankyou' for taking the biggest step in intimacy to date. Alex knew if what had just happened between herself and Olivia was as intimate as she and Liv would ever be after what Lewis Williams may or may not have done, she would still be the happiest woman alive. She didn't know that Olivia was thinking the exact same thing as she was, but Alex could tell Olivia was happy by the look of love she was currently giving the ADA.

"I love you, sweetheart."

"I love you, too."

Eyelids began to droop and eventually both women drifted off to sleep...

* * *

_Olivia looked around the dimly lit cellar as she had many times before._

_"Hello, Detective Benson!" Lewis Williams grinned, holding something in his arms. He looked down at the bundle of joy, "My, my, my... she's a pretty little girl!"_

_"You **stay away**  from my daughter!" Olivia growled, sitting on the low back chair with her wrists handcuffed behind her back. She struggled against the cuffs that were cinched tightly but getting more loose with each passing moment._

_"Or **what**?" Lewis challenged. He placed the baby in the Moses basket next to Olivia's mattress on the floor before pacing back and forth in front of the brunette, "I might be a rapist but even  **I**  draw the line on certain things, Detective. Raping a baby? That's just  **sick**! But on the other hand, my first girlfriend's Mom in Lexington, Kentucky... the roommates in Montgomery, Alabama... my lawyer girlfriend in Maryland... sweet old Alice Parker in New York City... Vanessa Meyer in Maine... well, they all asked for it!"_

_"They **never**  asked for it. Noone ever asks to be raped."_

_"They gave me permission... they let me do what I wanted. Just like you did!" Lewis caressed his gnarled fingers against Olivia's cheek._

_Liv ignored the touch, "I **never**  said the words! I never said them because you like the scream... you like the struggle... the terror in the woman's eyes... the power you had over them... I denied you what you wanted, and you had blue balls  **EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.**  Every single time we interacted I denied you... no words, no Alex... and we both know that's  **not**  a hypothetical."_

_Lewis twitched at the truth._

_"Yeah, gotcha!" Liv smirked as she showed that she was no longer handcuffed. In one swift move, Olivia sprang from the chair and tackled Lewis to the mattress. She snapped the handcuffs tightly to Lewis' right wrist, wove the other cuff over the chain on her wall and clamped it around Lewis' left wrist._

_"YOU BITCH!" Lewis struggled as the handcuffs began to bite and chafe his wrists._

_"Like I've never been called **that**  before. Got called worse than that by own mother," Olivia replied nonchalantly. "I didn't give  **you**  want you so desperately wanted, Lewis. Because of that, I don't think you ever raped me."_

_Lewis scoffed, "I could've raped you as many times as I raped Vanessa... maybe more. I saw you naked, remember? Each time I changed your clothes after being drugged... I could've done so many things... so many times... my mouth... my fingers... my penis."_

_"Yeah, you could've, but I think if you **had**  raped me, you would've told me... boasted gleefully even, because that's the sort of person you are. You never even boasted to me with a hypothetical rape like you did when we were in the interrogation room regarding Alice Parker."_

_"You'll never know, Detective. Always wondering, never completely certain. You'll **never** ,  **ever**  know."_

_Olivia crouched down in front of Lewis, "You know what I'd like to do to you right now? I like to wrap a metal bar around your head... like a bedpost, or maybe even an expandable baton... Pity I don't have one on me... I'd like to hear you scream out in pain as I physically torture you, like you did me... Steel cap boots sound good for what I want to do... I want to kick your teeth in... break your legs... break your arms... break your back... break your face... ...Maybe I should just choke you with Nessa's wall chain and make you beg for mercy?"_

_"Do it! Do something please, god! This little speech is the most pathetic thing I've heard in my **life**!"_

_"But that's the thing Lewis... you're **dead**!" Olivia mouth twisted to a wicked grin as she forcefully pressed her fingers to Lewis' chest, receiving a sharp inhaled breath in response. "Shot in the chest... twice."_

_"Just like your Brian. He couldn't survive being shot either."_

_"Brian already survived being shot once before... I helped him survive the first time. And you didn't kill Brian then and there in my old apartment. He survived the shooting for a number of days... and he lives on through organ donation and via my daughter."_

_"So you saved your precious Brian once... you also saved your precious Alex. How noble of you, Detective. Protecting her like you did... not telling me who 'Alex' was."_

_"You don't get to talk about her!"_

_"Why? Because you know I would've done the same to Alex as I did to Vanessa!" Lewis taunted._

_"Shut up!"_

_"Alex would've said 'the words' for me!"_

_"I SAID SHUT UP!' Olivia hand shot up and gripped Lewis' throat squeezing just enough to make him gag. "I know this is just a dream, but the facts remain: Alex is safe, Brian fathered my daughter, I'm alive... and you're **dead**! Nothing will ever change."_

_Lewis coughed as Olivia eased her grip, "You're right... you're absolutely right, Detective! Nothing will **ever**  change. Every time you close your eyes, I'll be here... waiting."_

_"And every time I open my eyes, I know that Alex will be there for me... every step of the way!"_

_"You'll never be rid of me! I'm in your head!" Lewis chuckled._

_"You might be in my head, but Alex is in my heart!" Olivia stood up, "Goodbye Lewis Williams."_

_The 'Beast' grinned, "See you tomorrow night, Detective Benson!"_

_"Tomorrow night? I don't think so. Maybe in a week or so because you're slowly fading from my nightmares," Olivia picked up Zoë from the basket and cradled her daughter close to her body. "Oh, and Lewis... that's **Sergeant**  Benson now."_

_Ignoring Lewis Williams goading her, Olivia walked up the few stone steps from the cellar to the main room of the cabin. She saw Vanessa stand there, the old antique handcuffs on the floor near her feet. As soon as Olivia took Vanessa's hand in her own, the main door opened to reveal Alex, Alan, Melanie, Kelly, Joe and Rafael waiting outside. The previously kidnapped women walked outside to join with their respective loved ones and closest friends before the main door to the cabin closed..._

* * *

Olivia awoke with a start when she had attempted to snuggle closer to Alex but was met with nothingness. Bleary eyed, she looked at the clock and saw it was over an hour after Zoë's intended return. Liv sat up hurriedly but relaxed when she saw a casually dressed Alex approaching with Zoë in her arms.

"Joe brought Zoë back right on time... but there was a little diaper explosion just as Rafael got her out of the capsule and handed her to me, so we've had a bath."

Liv commented, "That's the first time that's ever happened."

"It only happened because neither checked that the prefold was inside the diaper cover after they changed her, just before they left. I've promised that next time they have Zoë, we'll make sure they have some 'all in ones' so it won't happen again."

"I bet Barba was happy to be holding Zoë when her diaper exploded," Liv giggled.

"The look he gave was a mixture of mortified and unsure because he was still dressed for court... he was like a deer in headlights. Joe thought it was hilarious though."

"I'm sure he did!"

Olivia couldn't help but laugh more when she saw which of the sleep suits Zoë had on as Alex handed her over. Alan had brought it when he had seen Zoë for the first time, 2 weeks after her birth. The word _'ROOKIE'_  was embroidered across the chest, but the letter 'O's had been replaced with closed handcuffs. That had been the beginning of a mini war among the aunts and uncles. Mel had sent a  _'My Aunt is a Sheriff'_  body suit with a Sheriff star; Doom had bought a  _'My Uncle can arrest your Uncle'_  long sleeve shirt with a police car; Rafael managed to find a  _'Prosecutor in Training'_  bib with a gavel; Vanessa with a  _'Future Lawyer'_  sleep suit with a Scales of Justice; and Kelly with a  _'Relax! My Aunt is a Doctor'_  t-shirt with a Rod of Asclepius. Liv knew she'd make sure Zoë would be wearing this particular suit when the Winthrop rookie would be coming down in just 4 days time to spend Easter with Vanessa.

Seeing the telltale attempts of Zoë rooting, Liv shifted forward to allow Alex to join in breastfeeding like they had earlier in the day.

"Is everything alright?" Alex positioned herself comfortably.

Once Zoë was latched, Olivia leant back against Alex's body. She turned her head and placed a kiss on the ADA's cheek, "Everything's perfect."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, the tie scene at the beginning is based on the Mariska/Carson Daly photo. For those who haven't seen that (or have no idea what I'm referring to) or would like to see Alex's négligée, and numerous other items that I've mentioned during this story, they have been added to a Pinterest board I created. The link is on my lookup ;-)


	65. Chapter 65

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the "chapter long" ramble I'm about to embark on in this AN ;-). When I began this story back in May 2013, I never imagined it would have resulted in being this long in word count, nor taken this long timewise to write because it was my first real fanfic. My initial assumption was 6 months, 30 chapters and about 100,000 words. I've superseded those numbers and expectations a LONG time ago. A few things in the story have changed along the way (the major things being: Who was initially earmarked to die instead of Gloria; Alan being given a major role instead of being a 'passing' character; Kelly going to the Philippines etc), but this is exactly where I wanted Olivia and Alex's relationship to be at by the end of the story. Whether or not it's where readers want me to end, well... that's whole another story entirely ;-) BTW - Don't unbuckle your seatbelts because the rollercoaster ride hasn't finished just yet ;-). To those who have been on this journey from day 1, or jumped on board later, and have taken the time to read, comment, leave kudos etc regarding this story: Thankyou to each and every one of you :-) *HUGS*. You have no idea how much it means to not just me but any writer to get feedback, even if it's just a 'well done, good job' or a rambling essay on what part make you laugh, cry, cringe or made you a little hot and bothered ;-) Please take the time and let me know what you think :-)

"Vanessa, how have you found these past few months at the ACLU?" Donna Lieberman, the Executive Director for the New York branch of the ACLU, asked as she closed the door to her office after lunch.

The red head observed her boss crossing the room, "It's great to be working again because I never thought I'd be able to after what happened to me almost a year ago."

Donna sat down at her desk, "You've taken courses to refresh yourself with various laws and brought yourself up to speed with newer laws, and you've been clerking in the main office non-stop since Day 1."

"That's correct, Donna."

"You've done  _everything_  I've asked of you since I hired you... except tell me the truth."

"Excuse me?" Vanessa's eyes widened in surprise.

"I asked you how you've found these last few months at the ACLU, and you avoided answering the question like a good lawyer."

Vanessa's mouth opened and closed like a fish, not knowing how to respond to her superior.

Donna smiled at her employee, "You and I both know you're happy to be working but... please pardon my language... you're bored shitless doing basic clerking."

Vanessa was thankful that she wasn't one to go red when she blushed because she could feel her cheeks getting warmer at being called out. She relished working again, but these last couple of weeks of clerking had begun to bore her.

"I know you've asked for next week off because of the one year... for lack of a better term...  _anniversary_... of your kidnapping, and you already know I'm happy to give you that week off. What I'm asking is: Are you ready to go upstairs and start working for Women's Rights and Violence Against Women when you come back?"

Nodding enthusiastically, Vanessa replied, "Yes, absolutely. Securing gender equality and making sure legislation such as the 'Violence Against Women Act' gets passed is even more important to me than I ever thought imaginable."

"Good! That's what I wanted to hear," Donna opened her desk draw and rummaged around. "How about you pack up your items from your cubicle so you can move them 4 floors up to the office with your name on it?"

"My own office?!"

Donna dangled the key from the key chain in her outstretched hand, "Yes, your own office. It's not huge like a Directors office, but it's better than a cubicle. Once you're ready to move your belongings to your new office, come back and see me so I can show you where. After that, I'll let you take the rest of the afternoon off."

Vanessa took the key, "Really?"

"Think of it as an early start to the weekend for you. But I expect you here bright and early when you start back on Monday, May 26."

"I will be, guarantee it!" Vanessa said before the telephone on Donna's desk started to ring.

Standing up, Vanessa whispered her gratitude to her boss as the ACLU Executive Director answered the phone. She exited Donna's office and headed back to her cubicle, tapping out a message to Alan on her phone as she went.

_'Got a surprise to tell U!'_

She knew she could've held off and told Alan when she got home to Hackensack. Or even tomorrow morning when she would fly up to Maine and tell the rookie face to face, but she couldn't wait. Arriving at her cubicle, she grabbed an empty file box and began placing her possessions inside. She couldn't help smiling when she placed both double hinged photo frames on the top of the pile. One double frame contained the photo Melanie had taken of her and Alan after his award ceremony in December; and the other was the selfie of her, Alan and Papi taken at the base of the Winthrop firetower after climbing Mount Pisgah. The other double photo frame contained a photo of Olivia, Alex and Zoë taken at Easter with Zoë wearing a grey crochet floppy rabbit ear hat; and the final photo was of Vanessa and Alan holding Zoë taken the same day.

Having only few personal possessions in her cubicle, it didn't take long for Vanessa to finish packing. The ACLU stationery could stay for the next employee, she surmised, as she went to say goodbye to the other ACLU employees on the 18th floor she had gotten to know since mid January.

Donna was waiting outside her office, tapping a short message on her smart phone as Vanessa approached with her file box and attaché case. A small pang of sadness hit the red head. Alan hadn't replied to her text. He was always prompt with a response, even if he was busy working and couldn't speak, he'd send a winking smilie face just to let Vanessa know he'd read her message. She knew that wasn't possible when he was at his little cottage in Carlton Pond, however she'd only been texting him during her lunch not half an hour ago and Alan said he was at his desk inside the Winthrop Sheriff station. Knowing that the reception bars on her phone would drop to zero as soon as she and Donna entered the elevators inside the 125 Broad Street building, Vanessa realised it would be even longer.

As soon as the elevator doors opened on the 22nd floor, Vanessa's phone indicated a newly received text and immediately knew it was from Alan by the assigned tone. Vanessa juggled her file box to under her arm and fished for her smart phone while she followed her boss to her new office. She was grateful when Donna took the office key from her grasp and unlocked the door while she checked her phone.

_'Call me ASAP! Got a surprise for U 2!'_

Vanessa's mind began to spin as she entered the office and placed the file box and attaché case on the chair opposite the desk. She would be seeing him in less than 24 hours time. What surprise could Alan have that he didn't tell her during their lunch conversation? Could he be getting promoted too? He'd been at Winthrop almost a year now and wouldn't be classed as a rookie much longer. She was pulled from her thoughts when Donna handed back her key.

"I'll introduce you to the Director of Women's Rights when you come back from Maine, because she's in a conference in California right now with other ACLU state branch representatives."

"Thankyou, Donna."

"I'll leave you to unpack. I hope going back to Maine gives you some type of closure after what you've been through."

"I got a degree of personal closure last time I went back. This time it's closure for both myself and Olivia, and to make some wonderful memories."

Donna gave Vanessa a smile and departed the office. The red head tapped the 'call' icon on her phone and waited, her eyes sweeping the room to familiarise herself with the layout. The opening lyrics of Dolly Parton's  _'Love Is Like A Butterfly'_  suddenly echoed around the small office. Cautiously, Vanessa rounded the desk and saw Alan's cell phone sitting there next to the desk phone, gently vibrating, a photo of herself displaying on the screen revealing the caller. While Vanessa was trying to understand what was going on, something silky brushed against her leg.

"Papi?" Vanessa gasped as she looked down.

The little red and white Papillon began whining and dancing on her hind legs to be picked up.

"You can end the call now," a familiar voice said from the door.

Vanessa whirled around, "Alan?!"

With a mylar butterfly helium balloon in his grasp, the curly haired rookie gave a dimpled smile reserved for only one person, "Surprise!"

"What are you doing here?! I'm flying up to Maine  _tomorrow_!" Vanessa said, taking a couple of attempts to end the phone call.

Alan approached and pocketed his phone, "I know. Papi and I flew down today because we couldn't wait any longer to see you... and we wanted to congratulate you on your promotion."

"And  _how_  do you know about my promotion already?" Vanessa questioned, taking the proffered balloon from Alan's hand.

Donna popped her head around the door, "Because I told Alan when he arrived during your lunch hour looking to surprise you. So we concocted a better surprise... another reason you can have the rest of the afternoon off. So, I swear if you don't high tail it out of this building right now, I'll having you refilling all the staplers in every ACLU office."

Vanessa knew the threat was hollow, but she would take Donna's generous offer and leave early.

"How long have you had this planned? Coming to surprise me?" Vanessa asked as she picked up her attaché case. She would set up her office when she returned.

Alan gave a sheepish smile as he picked Papi up off the floor, "Spur of the moment decision this morning seeing it's actually my day off today. I packed Papi's bag and a backpack for myself, drove to the airport and bought our tickets."

"The tickets would've cost you a fortune at such short notice!"

"Papi and I think you're worth it," Alan replied, placing a soft kiss on Vanessa's cheek. He put Papi back in her carry bag with much reluctance, but knew it was the safest place for her until they got to Hackensack.

"Let's get out of here!" Vanessa suggested as her hand interlaced with Alan's, content in the knowledge that she didn't have to wait another night before she and Alan would share the same bed.

* * *

"What's all this, Rafi?" Doom looked at the pile of paperwork that had just been plopped in front of him after dinner. "I'm already in vacation mode! If these are DD5's that need correcting, I won't be happy."

"Not DD5's. This is something I should've done at the same time you did," Rafael stated, placing a pen on top of the pile.

Joe waited for the ADA to elaborate as Barba sat down at the dining table beside him.

"I would like you to be my medical proxy and Power of Attorney. I don't like to think about those sort of things just like everyone else in the world. However, as someone in the legal fraternity, I think it's... beneficial... to have these things sorted before something happens, not after."

"You want me?"

"Yes. You know my wishes are the same as yours regarding everything medical and legal... I'd just like to make it official." Rafael placed his hand on top of Doom's, "Joseph, I've never been more serious about a relationship than our relationship.  _Cada día te amo más que ayer y menos que mañana_."

"I got the 'I love you' part, but..."

"I said: Every day I love you more than yesterday, and less than tomorrow."

" _Lo mismo_... the same," Joe moved their combined hands and kissed the back of Rafael's hand. "Now, I swear if you correct my pronunciation or say that I used the wrong words just then... you're not gonna get  _any_  man love tonight."

" _Muy bien_ ," Rafael kissed Joe briefly on the lips. "Very well. Will you sign the paperwork for me, please?"

" _Sí_ ," Joe picked up the pen and began to sign and initial all the indicated pages.

* * *

Alex swaddled Zoë in her blanket and placed her back inside her crib with a kiss before she switched off the night light and took the empty bottle back to the kitchen. Zoë had settled into a routine of waking somewhere between 10pm and 11pm for her nighttime feed with Alex, and again around 3am for another feed with Olivia. However, Zoë was going through another growth spurt and currently preferred nursing from Olivia for her first nighttime feed, then from her bottle with Alex around 3am.

She returned to the master bedroom, letting her robe slip from her naked body before crawling back under the covers. With the sliver of moonlight coming through the not quite fully drawn curtains, Alex could see the flesh surrounding both her tattoos was even more purple than it had been just hours earlier after an exhaustive round of love making. The mere thought of anyone else marking her like that vexed the ADA, but Olivia Benson certainly wasn't anyone else. Olivia still hadn't allowed Alex to penetrate her except with her tongue, and even then it was still hit and miss. Given, it was only a month since Olivia had allowed Alex to make love to her with her mouth for the first time. Safe words were still in play, with ' _yellow_ ' and ' _wait_ ' moreso than ' _red_ ' or ' _stop_ ', but that wasn't to say things had been smooth sailing for the engaged couple.

The first time Alex had penetrated Olivia with her tongue before the brunette had been mentally prepared for it, just a week after the first successful time, resulted in both women in tears. Alex's tears were for making Olivia feel uncomfortable enough to use her safe word to stop, whereas Olivia's tears were for upsetting Alex rather than for Alex penetrating her before she was prepared. Both women knew it was a 'two steps forward, one step back' waltz, but they would take their time and not unravel all the progress they had made.

Moving the pillow from Olivia's grasp that she had used in place of herself, Alex rolled onto her left side and draped Liv's arm over her waist. Olivia snuggled bodily closer to Alex's back, a sigh of contentment breaking the silence. That was until...

_"...Alex..."_

"Hmm?"

_"...Alex..."_

Alex couldn't help smiling. It had been a considerable amount of time since Olivia had talked in her sleep that didn't correlate to nightmares.

"Yes, Liv?"

_"...mmm...Alex..."_

_"...love...you...Alex..."_

"I love you too, Olivia. I'll tell you that again in the morning, and every single day of our lives."

_"...Alex...you...marry...me..."_

Alex knew there was no need to hesitate answering this time, "We _are_ , Liv. We're going to get married next year after you retire. Zoë's going to be our flower girl."

_"...Zoë...our...lil...girl..."_

"Yes, Zoë's our little girl. Our beautiful daughter."

_"...Alex...'nother...baby?..."_

The blonde chewed on her bottom lip. This was a question that she didn't have a definite answer to. Alex responded as reasonably as she could, "Maybe one day in the future Zoë will have a little brother or sister. Joe has given us a wonderful gift to hopefully make that dream come true."

_"...hope...so...Alex..."_

"Me too, Liv. Me too."

Quiet descended the master bedroom for a few minutes before...

_"...Mel...Kel...Alex...mine..."_

Olivia's hand slid down between Alex's legs and cupped her smooth centre protectively.

"Always yours. Never anyone else's," Alex confirmed, placing her own hand on top of Olivia's. The change in names from Elliott and Kathy to Melanie and Kelly wasn't missed by the ADA. A lot of time had passed since her initial discovery that Olivia suffered somniloquy, and even though old friendships remained, newer and stronger friendships had been formed.

_"...safe...Alex..."_

_"...protect...Alex...Zoë..."_

"I have no doubt in my mind you'll always protect our family, Liv. It goes without saying that you'll also protect our other child, should we be successful with Joe's sperm donation in the future."

_"...protect...family...always..."_

Olivia snuggled even closer as Alex began to drift off to sleep...

_"...Alex..."_

_"...Alex..."_

"Yeah?" Alex stifled a yawn.

_"...my...Alex..."_

"Your Alex."

The master bedroom inside Alex and Olivia's apartment fell silent once again.

* * *

" _Femme_!" Kelly batted Melanie's hand away, "Will you stop stealing my fruit salad!"

"I'm hun'ry al'ight!" Mel, dressed in her standard khaki Sheriff uniform, justified with a mouthful of watermelon.

"Like I haven't heard  _that_  before. If you wanted your own bowl for breakfast, I would've made more!"

"I'm quite happy with my bacon, eggs, hash browns, tomato and toast, thankyou very much."

"And  _my_  grapes, banana, orange, apple, watermelon, pineapple, strawberries and blueberries!"

Mel grinned lecherously, "Well, I need to replenish all that energy we spent in the bedroom last night, Mrs Leonard."

"Then you should drink the juice I made," Kelly pushed the large glass towards her wife.

Mel pulled a face and pushed the glass back, "That nasty looking green drink crap isn't getting  _anywhere_  near my mouth."

"Why not?"

"Because it's not cop food!"

"Not cop food?! Then what do you call it,  _Sheriff_?"

Mel blanched, "That's...  _disgusting_  healthy shit!"

"And what's fruit salad then?"

"Not as vulgar as that godawful liquid you call 'juice'."

Kelly was unconvinced, "Uh-huh."

"Babe, that green drink is... it's uhh... it has just  _too_  many vegetables! My body couldn't handle it."

"Riiiiiight," Kelly drawled, stabbing a chunk of pineapple.

"Look, that green drink is a 'you' drink and I bet it's probably an Alex type drink. It's probably not an Olivia type drink and it's sure as hell not a 'me' drink."

Kelly snorted and rolled her eyes at her wife's explanation as she chewed.

"You just don't understand because you're not in law enforcement. Olivia would understand and agree with me because she's a cop, and I'll prove it when they get here in a few hours."

"Tonight," the salt and pepper haired doctor corrected.

Mel's brow furrowed in confusion, "What do mean  _tonight_?"

"Olivia, Alex, Joe and Rafael are driving up,  _not_  flying."

"Driving up?! I thought Alex was just kidding when she said that on skype. They'd be here in just over an hour and we'll be seeing our special niece again even faster! And how she looked on skype on Sunday, Zoë's getting bigger each day."

Kelly picked up her now empty fruit salad bowl and headed towards the kitchen sink, "Liv decided she didn't want to be cooped up in the plane even if it was for only over an hour. Joe and Rafael will have the Lexus and Olivia, Alex and Zoë will be in the Mustang. If Zoë gets hungry or her diaper needs changing, they can just pull over and take their time. I have to say, I like the idea of driving all that way in a Mustang like that!"

Melanie seized on the opportunity when her wife returned to the table, "Kel honey? Can we get a Mustang like Olivia's and name her Sally instead of Betty?"

"No."

"Ok. What about a... little red Corvette?"

"Ahh... no!" Kelly replied before sipping her juice with a straw.

"A little Deuce Coupe?"

Kelly lowered her drink, "Are you just going to name every song you can think of that features a car?"

"If it gets me to having a kick ass classic car like Liv's or Alan's... yes!"

"In your dreams, babe!" Kelly retorted, patting Mel's arm piteously.

Mel continued after a few moments thinking, "Pink Cadillac?"

"The _hell_  we are ever having a pink car, Melanie!"

"Alright, alright. How about... a late 1950's Thunderbird with whitewall tyres?"

"A T-bird... What song is that?"

"That would be ' _Fun, Fun, Fun_ ' by the Beach Boys."

"Hey babe," Kelly paused in thought. "Can it be a... blue T-bird?"

Melanie couldn't quell her growing excitement at the possibility of owning a classic car, "It can your favourite shade of purple for all I care! So what do you think? Can we get late 1950's Thunderbird?"

"I think... " Kelly stood up and leant intimately closer to her wife. She caressed Mel's cheek, pressed a soft kiss her lips then whispered, "... you should go and get  _Phalène_ from outside after you've picked up any mess she's made. Then you should go to work and keep dreaming, Sheriff."

* * *

From her bouncer rocker in the lounge room floor, Zoë kicked her legs and began to laugh as her Mommy came back into view again.

Olivia chuckled at the sound of her daughter laughing as she did another modified push up directly in front of the bouncer rocker. She couldn't believe that Zoë would be 13 weeks old tomorrow. Their little girl was growing and getting stronger by the day, and right now Zoë was at the stage of her development where everything made her laugh. There seemed to be no detriment to Zoë's development thus far from the Rohypnol and GHB that Lewis Williams had drugged her with and Olivia hoped it would continue to be that way.

Zoë laughed once more as her Mommy bobbed back up again.

Alex watched mother and daughter interacting from the kitchen. Each time Olivia completed another push up, Zoë's laughter filled the apartment. Even dressed in yoga pants, nursing sports bra and a tank top, Olivia was still as attractive as ever to the blonde. Olivia's major scars on her scapulas, biceps and hands were still visible, but were slowly fading. The smaller cuts and cigarette burn scars were a few shades paler than Olivia's natural tanned tone.

"What are  _you_  laughing at?" Olivia paused with a wide grin. "Do you think Mommy's funny? Do you? Do you think Mommy exercising is funny?"

Another laugh was Zoë's response.

"Oh, you do! Well then, I need to eat something to keep my energy up and I think Zoë's toesies are a great little snack..." Liv did her best Cookie Monster impersonation, "...  _Om nom nom nom_!"

Zoë squealed in delight, her little arms and legs flailing as Mommy tried to eat her toes.

Alex, dressed in a pair of sleep shorts and cami, approached after placing the tray on the coffee table, "I think breakfast would be more sustaining than baby toes, Mommy."

"I don't know, Mama. Zoë's toesies are very tasty...  _Om nom nom nom_!" Olivia relished the sound of Zoë's laugh as she once again pretended to chomp down the tiny toes.

Zoë's attention was eventually drawn to Mama kneeling down beside Mommy. She gave Mama a gummy smile and laughed again when Mama blew a light raspberry on the sole of her foot.

"You want to know something really funny, Zoë? Mommy talks to Mama in her sleep," Alex kissed Zoë's foot then blew another light raspberry.

Sitting back on her feet before standing up, Olivia rubbed her forehead to cover her embarrassment, "What did I say this time?"

"Nothing you haven't said to me before. You love me... you proposed again... just the usual," Alex replied as Olivia held out her hand to help the ADA to her feet.

Walking a few steps backwards, Olivia sat down on the comfy lounge suite and pulled Alex down onto her lap. Her hands delicately cradled Alex's cheeks before sharing a slow, lingering kiss. When she felt Alex's left hand beginning to creep under her tank top, Olivia broke the kiss and gently took the wandering hand in her own.

"I have a crazy idea," Liv said, began rubbing her thumb over the engagement ring on Alex's finger.

"Do tell."

"Let's get married."

Alex stifled a laugh, "We are, remember? July 2015. We agreed on that after your Sergeant ceremony."

Liv explained, "Today's May 17 and we're leaving to going back to Winthrop for the first time since I was rescued in just a couple of hours..."

"Yes? And?" Alex prompted.

"And in 3 days time, it'll be the anniversary of my kidnapping. Lewis stole that day away from me when he took me and Nessa, and we're taking that day back as Zoë's naming day at the Tranquility Garden. How about we reclaim it even further and make it our wedding day too? Nessa, Alan, Doom, Barba, Mel and Kelly are all going to be there for the naming day ceremony all dressed in smart casual... why not get married at the same time?"

Alex pulled back slightly to look directly into Olivia's eyes, "You're serious?"

Liv nodded, "The woman officiating the naming ceremony is also a marriage celebrant. We can call her right now and get the paperwork put aside so as soon as we get to Winthrop, we can get a marriage license. We'll have ID on us, neither of us have been married before so no need for divorce decrees or death certificates, we can put copies of our birth certificates in our bags if that's needed."

"It's Saturday, Liv. What if she can't do it being the weekend?"

"Then we'll do it Monday so we can get married on Tuesday."

"Do we tell everyone?"

"No! Let's surprise them all."

"What about... wedding rings?"

"We can get them in Augusta."

"Outfits?"

"Also Augusta."

Alex spoke quietly, "What about the wedding we've been talking about having here in New York? My Uncle Bill... the rest of the squad... Serena, Casey... the Stablers?"

"We can still have it. I could retire from SVU a little earlier than I planned to in July 2015... we can renew our wedding vows on May 20 next year here in New York and Zoë can still toddle down the aisle as our flower girl. Then we can go to Paris like we talked about for our honeymoon. Well, our second honeymoon seeing we'll be in Winthrop for our first honeymoon. Also, seeing you negotiated having a welcome back party for me before Munch and Cragen retire and not an engagement party, we don't have to worry about upsetting anyone."

"You're crazy, Benson."

"That'll be Cabot-Benson in a few days if we get married, Mrs Alexandra Cabot-Benson."

"You're crazy, Mrs Olivia Cabot-Benson."

"So, we're married?"

Alex beamed, "We're reclaiming May 20 as not only Zoë's naming day but also as our wedding day because we're getting married!"

"Zoë..." Olivia singsonged. She waited until their daughter was looking up at them both, "Mommy and Mama are getting married. What do you think about  _that_?"

Still in her bouncer rocker, Zoë kicked her legs and laughed again.

* * *

"Welcome aboard... " The flight attendant check the ticket, "... Mr Irvine. Your seat is 22B. That's almost halfway down the aisle on the right hand side. I also see you have a ticket for your small dog. Please be sure to place the carrier under the seat in front of you. Thankyou for flying with us today."

Alan took back his ticket, "Thankyou, Ma'am."

"Welcome aboard... " Once again, the flight attendant check the proffered ticket, "... Mrs Irvine. Your seat is beside your husband at 22A. Please be sure to place your carry on bag in the overhead locker. Thankyou for flying with us today."

"Thankyou," Vanessa took back her ticket and followed after Alan.

"Mrs Irvine?" Alan asked after stowing Vanessa's carry on bag in the overhead locker.

"What?" Vanessa shrugged and buckled her seat belt. "It's not like I haven't pretended to be married to you before."

With a dimpled grin, Alan buckled his seat belt, "I think I'm falling in love with you."

Vanessa slowly turned and faced the curly haired man that had captured her heart, her eyes wide in surprise. It was the closest thing to a first official 'I love you' in their growing and blossoming relationship.

"What?" Alan shrugged. "It's not like I haven't wanted to say that to you before."

"I think I'm falling in love with you too," Vanessa replied, pressing a quick kiss to Alan's cheek.

* * *

Melanie parked the Winthrop Sheriff's Department Ford Explorer patrol vehicle in the designated area at the side of the station and hopped out.

"C'mon  _Phalène_. We'll have to try and think of something  _else_  to convince Kelly so that we can have an awesome car too," Mel said as she grabbed her leather messenger bag and the dog carry bag from the back seat then locked the patrol vehicle. She removed and placed the black and white drop eared Papillon on the ground and headed for the main door of the station. Watching  _Phalène_  trot ahead and disappear around the corner, Mel assumed that today (just like every other day lately) would be filled with having to deal with the growing influx of tourists on the various lakes and ponds not knowing the local bylaws and petty crime.

However, nothing could be further from the truth.

The shaggy blonde rounded the corner to the station and saw a box on the step.  _Phalène_  was sniffing intently, her silky tail wagging excitedly.

"Fucking hell! What  _is_  it with Winthrop locals?!" Mel vented her frustration aloud as she began digging for the station keys in her messenger bag. "Spay and neuter your damn animals! My station steps are _not_  a dumping ground for your unwanted pets! Well, I guess if it's another dumped dog, Jay-Z will finally get her wish for a dog named Olaf or Sven. If not... I wonder if Doom and Barba would want a pet cat? I'm not sure Liv and Alex would want a pet at this stage with Zoë... or maybe they would?"

A noise coming from inside the box drew the Sheriff's attention. She knew right away that wasn't the sound of a dog or a cat. Melanie crouched down and pulled open the interwoven cardboard box flaps.

"Jesus Christ!" Mel felt the blood drain from her face when she saw what was inside.

In an instant, the Sheriff grabbed the box and sprinted back to Ford Explorer.

"Did you manage to convince Kelly?" Bradley called out as he hopped out of the Winthrop Sheriff's Department cruiser he had just arrived in.

"NOT NOW, BRADLEY!"

Brad chuckled, "Where's the fire, Mel? Are you-"

Mel interrupted her brother, "DEPUTY! YOU OPEN UP THE STATION!  _PHALÈNE_ , STAY!"

With lights and sirens on, the Sheriff took off as fast as she could towards the Winthrop Medical Centre. There wouldn't be enough time to call ahead and give the medical staff a heads up because she would be there in less than 2 minutes, and right now, every second counted. The patrol vehicle screeched to a halt in the emergency drop off zone outside the main entrance.

"KEL!... KELLY!" Melanie bellowed as she raced inside the small hospital with the box firmly in her grasp. "DOCTOR LEONARD!"

The nurse at the Nurses station chastised the approaching woman, "Sheriff Leonard, will you stop your screaming inside this hospital! We have patients!"

Ignoring Beverley, Melanie continued to scream in desperation for her wife while she ran towards the emergency exam rooms.

The salt and pepper haired woman in her scrubs and lab coat came running from the direction of the ward wing, " _Femme_? What's wrong, Mel? Has something happened?"

Out of breath, the shaggy blonde allowed her wife to look inside the cardboard box.

Kelly gasped in shock when she looked inside, "It's a goddamn baby... with... unilateral complete cleft lip on the left side... and polythelia."

"T-the box was on the steps of the station when I got there... a-and the towel was keeping him warm," Melanie explained as Kelly hastily ushered her to the available emergency exam room. "I-I heard him cry and I came straight here as soon as I found him."

"Him?" Kelly reiterated while she donned a pair of latex gloves. "You checked?"

"N-no. But there's a hand written note inside the box... It says his name is Noah, a-and to find him a family."

"He's been abandoned?!" Kelly was aghast as she removed the baby from the box. She immediately saw that the baby boy was still attached to the placenta and probably no more than an hour old. The bloodstained note scrawled haphazardly on a scrap of paper was still able to be read:

 _My name is Noah._  
_Please find me a loving family._

"It looks like it," Mel answered and took a step back to allow Kelly to start a thorough examination, still trying to comprehend as to who would abandon a beautiful new born baby on the steps of the Winthrop Sheriff's station.

* * *

Doom removed his and Rafael's luggage from the trunk of Rafael's car and placed them inside the Lexus alongside Olivia and Alex's luggage and all of Zoë's baby items needed for the week long visit to Winthrop. It was safer to have Rafael's BMW parked in the garage of Alex and Olivia's apartment for the duration of their vacation than it parked on the street outside his brownstone on the Upper East Side. With Zoë asleep in her baby capsule at her feet, Alex handed Rafael the keys to her Lexus while Olivia double checked she had installed the baby capsule base securely on the back seat of the Mustang.

"Did you reprogram the GPS from Miss Smooth Voice to Mr Suave Voice for Joseph?" Rafael asked Alex as Doom closed the rear door of the Lexus.

"Just like I promised I would. Now, we'll catch up to you in Boston for lunch. Just let us know where you are."

"We'll do that," Rafael confirmed as the 4 of them shared goodbye hugs, reassured each other that they would drive safely before the uncles gave Zoë tiny goodbye kisses.

"Cabot, can I have a word?" Joe moved a few feet away and waited for Alex.

Rafael and Olivia watched the interaction between their respective partners for a few moments before Rafael spoke up, "What are the both of you conspiring about over there?"

Doom shook his head, "Nothing. Let's hit the road, Rafi. We'll see you ladies in Boston."

Both women waved goodbye as Doom exited the garage with Rafael in the passenger seat, then Olivia secured Zoë's capsule to the base on the back seat and gently closed the Mustang door.

"What was that about?" Liv expressed her curiosity.

"Joe wanted to know if I was pregnant."

"WHAT?!" Olivia gawped.

Alex relayed to Olivia the brief conversation she had with the SVU Detective just moments ago...

_Doom lowered his voice to barely above a whisper when Alex stopped beside, "I don't want to speak out of turn, but... are you pregnant?"_

_The blonde ADA didn't hide her shock even though she kept her voice just as low, "What?!"_

_"Oh shit! You're not and I just put my foot in it, didn't I?_

_"Why would you ask me that? Are you saying I'm fat?!"_

_"No! Nothing could be further from the truth! It's just... you're glowing! And it kinda seems to me like you're bursting to tell someone... **something**. I put 2 and 2 together and-"_

_"You jumped to a conclusion. Joe, Olivia and I haven't decided when we might consider having another baby, but when we do and if we're successful with the donation you've given us, we promise you will be the first to know."_

_"I'm really, really sorry!" Doom apologised as Rafael called out..._

Olivia asked as she wrapped her arms around Alex's waist before her hands slipped inside the back pockets of Alex's capri shorts, "So you didn't let onto Doom that we're getting married?"

Alex followed Olivia's lead and slipped her hands into the back pockets of Liv's jeans, "No. We'll have a nice surprise to drop on our friends on Tuesday."

"Good," Olivia kissed Alex softly before their mouths and tongues slid together as the kiss slowly grew. Reluctantly ending the kiss before things got too heated between the engaged couple, Olivia said, "Let's head back to Winthrop. You want to drive?"

"Me?! You've never let me drive Betty before."

The brunette dangled the keys for Alex to take, "I guess there's a first time for everything. Besides, I think I might get distracted with those lovely legs of yours, so you better drive first."

Alex took the keys from Olivia's grasp and gave her another kiss on the lips and headed to the drivers side. The blonde put on her prescription sunglasses, buckled up her seat belt and adjusted the mirrors while Olivia rechecked Zoë's capsule was secure and her diaper bag was in reaching distance. Both women would have loved to have driven with the roof off all the way to Winthrop on this fine spring day, but with Zoë in the back seat, they didn't want their daughter getting sunburn or possibly catching a chill.

"Driving music?" Olivia questioned once she was in the passenger side and her seat belt secured.

"Of course!" Alex replied as the engine of the Mustang roared to life.

The SVU Sergeant pressed the button of the CD player and waited for the familiar guitar riff to begin while the ADA reversed the classic car.

As Alex exited the garage of their apartment building on 78th Street on the Upper West Side of Manhattan, Olivia slipped on her own mirror aviator sunglasses and ran her fingers through her mid length brunette hair out of habit. She wondered what the future would bring for Alex, Zoë and herself as they continued navigating and negotiating their lives.

 ** _So baby now,_**  
**_Take me into your loving arms,_**  
**_Kiss me under the light of a thousand stars._**  
**_Oh darling, place your head on my beating heart,_**  
**_I'm thinking out loud,_**  
**_That maybe we found love right where we are._**  
**_Oh maybe we found love right where we are,_**  
**_And we found love right where we are._  ~ Ed Sheeran (Thinking Out Loud)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. I hope you enjoyed reading my story as much as I have enjoyed writing it :-). I know that's a really evil place to leave the story, but it's what my muse told me to do ;-). Who knows, maybe she'll be kind and let me revisit this universe at a later date if there's interest for me to do so? *shrugs*.


End file.
